First broadcast 4th January 2015.
Alan and Gary hit it off very well with Alan explaining he had no idea that he had a son.
Derek Jacobi ... Alan
Rupert Graves ... Gary
Anne Reid ... Celia
Nicola Walker ... Gillian
Nina Sosanya ... Kate
Tony Gardner ... John
Elizabeth Chan ... Midwife
Sarah Lancashire ... Caroline
Josh Bolt ... Raff
Morley Katherine Rose Morley ... Ellie
Jeff Alexander ... Store Manager
Rachel Leskovac ... Cheryl
Dean Andrews ... Robbie
Kate Isitt ... Felicity
Felix Johnson ... Angus
Dean Smith ... William
Louis Greatorex ... Lawrence
Alan and Gary hit it off very well with Alan explaining he had no idea that he had a son.
Derek Jacobi ... Alan
Rupert Graves ... Gary
Anne Reid ... Celia
Nicola Walker ... Gillian
Nina Sosanya ... Kate
Tony Gardner ... John
Elizabeth Chan ... Midwife
Sarah Lancashire ... Caroline
Josh Bolt ... Raff
Morley Katherine Rose Morley ... Ellie
Jeff Alexander ... Store Manager
Rachel Leskovac ... Cheryl
Dean Andrews ... Robbie
Kate Isitt ... Felicity
Felix Johnson ... Angus
Dean Smith ... William
Louis Greatorex ... Lawrence
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:30It's a bit of a shock.
00:51Yes.
00:52For both of us.
00:53For all of us. I mean, Gillian too.
01:01I didn't sleep much last night.
01:06Yeah.
01:09I didn't want to...
01:12I just...
01:15Sorry, I realise I don't actually have anything to say as such.
01:18I just... I was intrigued to meet you, to see you, I suppose, that's all.
01:24She never told me she were your mum. She never did Gillian tell you?
01:36And Gillian's lovely, by the way.
01:38Oh!
01:40Well, she's just so funny, so sweet, so uncomplicated.
01:47Her heart's in the right place.
01:51So what was he upset for? I thought he never wanted it.
01:55Well, no, he didn't. I don't know.
01:59How about all this second-hand from Caroline?
02:02Still, I suppose if it was nearly full-time...
02:05Oh, God knows what she must have gone through.
02:09Are they even together still? I mean, were they ever, really, actually, after a certain point?
02:14God knows.
02:16Well, she's cleared off anyway. She's gone to live with her sister in St. Albans.
02:21And he's been sleeping in Caroline's spare room again, apparently.
02:25Really?
02:27She's very good to him, Caroline, given what a bugger he's been.
02:32If it was me, he'd not darken the doorstep ever again.
02:36No. No. No.
02:42How... Can I ask how you met?
02:46Um, well, I married Eileen, Gillian's mum, in 1957.
02:52But the woman I really wanted to marry, the woman I was in love with, she'd stood me up.
02:59Except she hadn't.
03:02She'd left me a message, only I never got it.
03:07Celia.
03:09That's all right.
03:12I'm very fond of Eileen, but the truth is, I got engaged to her on the rebound.
03:19I don't think they'd have called her that then, and I certainly weren't aware that that's what I was doing.
03:25But, yeah.
03:28Then I met your mum, at Jessop's Chemicals up Addersfield.
03:34She was a secretary, and she reminded me of Celia.
03:40The second I saw her, everything about her.
03:43The way her eyes lit up and she smiled.
03:47The way she walked.
03:49I felt the same feeling I felt when I was with Celia.
03:52It was... I don't know.
03:55Like... world lit up.
04:00And we were weak.
04:03We were daft.
04:05We were old enough to know better. It shouldn't have happened.
04:09But it did.
04:12Then she left.
04:14I never saw her again.
04:17Did you try to see her again?
04:21No.
04:24I suppose, if I had known,
04:30I'd like to think that I'd have done the right thing.
04:35It would have been more complicated, obviously.
04:39No, she should have told me.
04:42She should have told me at the time.
04:44However difficult it might have been for everybody.
04:50So, you're not coming to this... wedding, then?
04:55She did ask me.
04:57Only I said we were busy.
04:59And aren't you?
05:01I don't think she really wanted me there.
05:03I think she only invited me cos she thought she should.
05:06I think you've been a bit sensitive.
05:08If she didn't want you, she wouldn't ask you.
05:10You know what she's like.
05:12I don't know.
05:14Who else is going?
05:16William's coming up from Oxford.
05:18A few people from school.
05:20A couple of her pals from Oxford.
05:23I don't know about Kate's family.
05:26It's only small. It's all a bit last minute.
05:29You know, not everyone's available.
05:32Our Muriel's in Corfu, sadly.
05:36So, John's living at the house?
05:39Yeah.
05:41So, John's living at the house and Kate's on leave now,
05:45so she's at home all day with John?
05:49Well, yeah, presumably.
05:51Cos he's never at work, is he?
05:54I don't know why they pay him.
06:00Contractions are good.
06:02They're painful, but they're on your side.
06:05Your contractions happen when your uterus contracts
06:09and that's what dilates or opens the cervix.
06:14Now, dads,
06:17during labour, you may find it distressing
06:20to see your partner in so much pain.
06:23Is this your first?
06:25Not your first?
06:28It's... It's not my first.
06:30It's Kate's first.
06:32So you'll know what I'm talking about.
06:34It is distressing,
06:36but you just being there,
06:38gently encouraging her to keep going,
06:40that is so important.
06:44It's... It's not actually mine as such.
06:47I'm just...
06:51Kate's my wife's girlfriend.
06:59OK, so let's talk about pain relief.
07:07MUSIC PLAYS
07:19Happy baby!
07:31Dad!
07:33Dad!
07:34Oh, my feet!
07:36Calamity, you are getting heavier by the hour.
07:38I'll make you some tea.
07:40Well...
07:42I think I've spurned up, Alan.
07:44You better not have.
07:46Yeah.
07:47Not if we are thinking about this Australasian adventure.
07:51Are we serious?
07:53I think you are.
07:55Why are we whispering?
07:57Is it a secret?
07:59No, it wasn't.
08:01So, you've been busy?
08:04No, no, no.
08:07Right, well, I'll pop this lot upstairs and then I can relax.
08:11Can you manage?
08:12Oh, yeah.
08:13Tea? Coffee? Jagerbomb?
08:16Er, tea, thanks, love.
08:21Have you had a nice time?
08:23Clothes shopping with my mother-in-law.
08:26Stepmother.
08:28Yeah.
08:30Yeah, it was a bit of a laugh.
08:37How did you get on?
08:39Fine.
08:40Yeah?
08:41Like you said, he seems like a very nice fella.
08:44Yeah, yeah.
08:47He's a horde.
08:48What?
08:49I felt like I knew him.
08:51Yeah?
08:52Yeah.
08:53No, so did I.
08:54Yeah, from the moment I saw his face.
08:56So, what did he say? What did he want?
08:58Nothing.
08:59No, I didn't think he did. I think he just wanted to...
09:01He just wanted to talk, yeah.
09:03I wish I could have stopped with him longer, but...
09:06Anyway, he asked me if we'd like to go and have a meal,
09:10meet Felicity, his wife.
09:12Oh, so he's married, then?
09:15Yeah, they're two girls, yeah.
09:17And he meant all of us.
09:18You, me, Raveli, Calamity, Celia.
09:23He said he'd like to meet Celia.
09:26I said, well, I haven't told her yet.
09:32So?
09:34Oh, I don't know.
09:36You have got to tell her.
09:37I had Caroline on the phone a couple of days ago,
09:39and she said if you don't tell Celia, she will.
09:42Oh, what the hell were you doing telling Caroline for?
09:46I told you.
09:47And look, she wasn't being nasty.
09:49To be fair to her, it's cos she knows how upset Celia was
09:53when she found out about Kenneth.
09:55I mean, she'd been cheated on, lied to.
10:00And isn't it best to be honest, really?
10:03I'm coming from you sooner rather than later.
10:05I told Caroline that you wanted to meet him first
10:08and then you'd tell her, Celia.
10:10And she was fine with that.
10:12But now you have met him, so...
10:16OK.
10:18So?
10:19Yeah, I'll tell her.
10:21When?
10:22When?
10:23Soon.
10:24Soon.
10:29Well, why did you let him go with you?
10:32Because...
10:34I don't know, we just tagged along.
10:36Of course I was daft enough to feel sorry for him.
10:38I should have said, right in front of everyone,
10:41she's not your wife.
10:42She's your ex-wife, John.
10:44You're divorced.
10:45You should have done.
10:46She's my wife's girlfriend.
10:47She's my wife.
10:48Very nearly.
10:49You're just, I don't know, a friend of the family.
10:51Well, no, no, he's more than that.
10:53He's the father of Mr Still.
10:57No need to split hairs.
10:59I know you've had an upset, but can I just be blunt?
11:01You really, really need to move out.
11:03John, before me and Caroline get married.
11:05Yes, well, good.
11:07You should have said it.
11:08He has all that money that we had begged, borrowed and stolen
11:11to buy his half of the house.
11:12What's the problem?
11:14I don't think we've stolen anything, have we?
11:17Whatever.
11:19What is the problem?
11:21Just say it.
11:25Can't you?
11:27Sure.
11:34Yes.
11:35Damn.
11:50I'll deal with it later.
11:54I won't deal with it later.
11:57Play your game.
12:03If I go into labour, he comes nowhere near the hospital.
12:05Of course he won't.
12:09What's the matter?
12:11I don't know.
12:13I don't know.
12:14Maybe I'm just frightened.
12:17Don't be frightened.
12:22I'm not that much younger than Judith.
12:25Judith's an alcoholic.
12:27And what if there's something wrong with it?
12:29There won't be.
12:30Why would there be?
12:31And if there is, we'll deal with it, but there won't be.
12:37And you will get rid of him?
12:41I will ask him...
12:43to leave.
12:53Oh, God, I ought to ring that mum.
12:59...also began to diverge in their objectivities.
13:03The US was continuing the search for Osama bin Laden.
13:06The Northern Alliance was pressuring for more support...
13:08Hello?
13:09Mum, hi, it's me. How are you?
13:11Very well, love.
13:12Good. Good.
13:14How's Alan?
13:16Um...
13:17He's fine. Caroline says, how's Alan?
13:19He's fine, love.
13:20Good.
13:22So, er...
13:23Good, sir, I've got nothing fresh that I can think of.
13:27Have you?
13:28No, I don't think so.
13:30Have we got anything fresh, Alan?
13:32Er, no, no, no.
13:36We thought we'd drive over.
13:38Drive over on Friday, the day before the wedding.
13:42And then if there's anything worth doing, I can help out.
13:46Right, good, thank you.
13:49Is that Ellie?
13:54Hello, love.
13:55Where have you been?
13:56Supermarket, green off.
13:58Not answering your phone.
13:59Oh, has he been ringing?
14:00Oggy said you had an argument with his drepper wife.
14:02Yeah, I did.
14:03Which ones, eh?
14:04Politics.
14:05I told him, he can shove his coursework up his arse,
14:07and I've left and I've got a job at Greenoff's.
14:10You can't do that.
14:12Well, I just did.
14:14You can't not do your A-levels.
14:16What's happened?
14:18Well, no, I can not do them, and then I can earn some money.
14:21Have you spoke... Have you talked to your mum about it?
14:24No way. She's enough on worrying about me granddad.
14:26Well, I think you need to.
14:28Well, it's none of her business.
14:29No, Ellie, it is.
14:30She's going to be very upset if you're going to drop out of doing your A-levels.
14:34You can't work at Greenoff's.
14:36It's just a job. It's not a career.
14:38You're a clever lass.
14:39You don't want to just go chucking it all down drains.
14:42No, listen.
14:43It's good. It's full time.
14:46He said I can go on a fast track.
14:47He said I can be a store manager.
14:49In a couple of years, if I put the hours in and I play me cards right,
14:52there's all sorts of opportunities.
14:54Wow.
14:55It's money, Raph.
14:57It's not being dependent on every bloody body.
15:00And it isn't like I've got that many people to be dependent on now,
15:03with me granddad being such a loony.
15:06I still think you need to ring your mother.
15:09Hang on.
15:10I can't hear what you're saying.
15:12They're all just shouting at each other at this hour.
15:15Can I speak to Gillian?
15:20Gillian?
15:23It's Caroline.
15:26What's happened? What's going on?
15:28Hiya, Kaz.
15:29He hasn't told her.
15:31No, no, no.
15:33Not yet.
15:34He needs to tell her.
15:36I know. He will.
15:38He needs to tell her soon.
15:40Yes, I know. I agree with you.
15:42I'm working on it.
15:52I do like Kate, you know.
15:55I suppose if Caroline had to be that way,
15:57she could have done a lot worse.
16:01It's funny, isn't it?
16:02Babies.
16:04They're always welcome when they come.
16:07Even when they're unexpected.
16:10Like our little calamity.
16:13And now, there's this other one.
16:20I know there's something bothering you.
16:22I wish you'd let on what it is.
16:25Is this Harry?
16:27And that damn silly mess he's got himself into?
16:30Well, what then?
16:32I don't know.
16:38I've had a bit of news.
16:41What news?
16:49I've been in two minds about whether to tell you or not.
16:53What news?
16:55Oh, no, it's not.
16:57I'm not ill.
16:59I suppose there's a lot about each other that we still don't know, isn't there?
17:04Is there?
17:06Well, I've had sixty-odd years not seeing someone.
17:10There's bound to be one or two.
17:15What? One or two what?
17:20It turns out I've got a skeleton in cupboard.
17:25What do you mean?
17:28One I never even knew I had.
17:33Well, not...
17:36What? What is it?
17:39Oh, I don't care what it is, Alan.
17:41You can tell me anything.
17:44Nothing's worth making yourself ill over.
17:46Just tell me.
17:48Just say it. Just spit it out.
17:53You'll think I'm that guileless.
17:56How could you ever be like Kenneth?
18:02I've got a lad.
18:06A son.
18:08A boy I never knew I had.
18:10Well, I call him Laddie the man now.
18:13You see, I had a bit of a fling.
18:19When?
18:21Years ago.
18:23Before you were married?
18:29No.
18:34So, look, I don't want to make excuses.
18:36It happened, it shouldn't have.
18:39But I didn't know I'd been a child.
18:45When?
18:47The year our Gillian were born.
18:50Only, as I said, I've only just...
18:53The year Gillian was born?
18:56But you'd been married nine years when Gillian was born.
19:03Who was she?
19:05Oh, you wouldn't know.
19:09They lived up for Siddle.
19:16Mary.
19:17Mary.
19:19She were called Mary.
19:20Mary Kershaw.
19:25Came to work at Jessop's, she was a secretary.
19:30She, um...
19:33She had a look of you.
19:40The year Gillian was born, you were...
19:44I didn't know.
19:46No.
19:47It's like I said to Gillian, it stopped before it started.
19:50It would never...
19:52What does Gillian know about it?
19:55Her date on Valentine's Day.
20:00It weren't a date.
20:02I thought it were him.
20:08How long did it go on?
20:10How long did it go on?
20:12We didn't.
20:14Long enough to get her pregnant?
20:16Only the once.
20:18Then she left.
20:20I never saw her again.
20:23I had no idea she was...
20:31So what does he want, this Gary?
20:34Nothing. He just wanted to meet me.
20:37And he got you to?
20:39Well, the thing is, I already have.
20:42I met him this morning when you and Gillian went shopping.
20:46And he's a grandfather, Celia.
20:50He's very keen to meet you. Genuinely.
20:53He's the sort of person who genuinely seems to be interested in people.
20:58So, hang on.
21:00You just rang out of the blue this morning
21:03when Gillian and me just happened to be out shopping?
21:06No, no, no.
21:09It was arranged.
21:11Gillian arranged it.
21:13Oh, so you were just getting me out of the way.
21:16No!
21:18Look, it was delicate.
21:21Where? Where did you meet him?
21:24In a cafe.
21:26Right.
21:27Look, I understand you'd probably rather I told you first.
21:31I'd rather you didn't lie to me about what you were doing.
21:34But obviously I was worried about how you'd react.
21:37You see, this is what adultery does to people.
21:40It turns them into liars.
21:43Well, no wonder you couldn't have calamity.
21:46No wonder we had to trail around with us.
21:49It's been difficult knowing the right thing to do
21:52and the right order to do stuff in.
21:54And, of course, Gillian's been upset.
21:56But not above colluding with you about deceiving me.
22:01Nobody wanted to deceive you.
22:03It was just about knowing when and how to tell you.
22:07Well, you've told me now.
22:20Have you seen Ellie?
22:22Yeah, she was up at quarter past six.
22:24She was off to catch the ten-to-seven bus.
22:26She's a bit green after half past.
22:29She didn't discuss this with me at all. Nothing.
22:32You need to be communicating with each other.
22:35Communicating with each other more?
22:37No shit.
22:38I'm not being an unpaid nanny if she's out earning money.
22:41That's not the way the world works.
22:43This isn't cloud cuckoo land.
22:45Plus, Yvonne is slinging me cash every week for her housekeeping.
22:49I can't accept that.
22:51I'm not accepting that if Ellie's working.
22:54Did she even speak to her mother last night?
22:56No idea.
22:57Did you just not talk to each other at all about anything?
23:00Hello?
23:01All right, well, I'll have to bang on her about it then.
23:03Feel free.
23:04Well, I'll see you later. I'm on a shift.
23:06After I've done every bloody thing else for every bugger else.
23:17What's up with Celia and me grandad?
23:21What is up with Celia and your grandad?
23:23They're sat at breakfast table not speaking to each other.
23:27I assume it happened. They were up at night. I heard them.
23:30No, I don't think...
23:33He's one of them ill?
23:36No. No, nothing like that. Just...
23:43It turns out I've got a brother.
23:48A half-brother.
23:51I didn't know about.
23:53Ow!
23:56You what?
24:02Yes.
24:11I would like you to meet him.
24:15You see, I think you'd like him.
24:20He'd like to meet you.
24:23I can't imagine why.
24:28He's very, I don't know, calm.
24:32His manner, kindly.
24:35Unusual. I was nervous about going to meet him.
24:38But no, he just seemed to be wanting to make sense of it himself.
24:42And apologising.
24:44And saying that he knew it was a shock for all of us.
24:49He was being very grown up about the whole thing, I suppose.
24:53And you want me to be grown up about it too.
24:57Well...
24:59Either we can move forward together or...
25:02I don't know what the alternative is.
25:08Maybe I should go and stay with Caroline for a few days.
25:16Caroline knows, by the way.
25:19Caroline? What the hell does Caroline know about it?
25:22Gillian wanted to talk to her before she told me,
25:25after she met him, Gary.
25:28Anyway, she thought Caroline would know best way forward.
25:33So Kate will know about it as well, won't she?
25:38Does everybody know except me?
25:40No.
25:41No.
25:46Well, of course I discussed it with Kate.
25:48I'm allowed to. She's my partner.
25:50We tell each other things.
25:53You see, this is what I used to hate.
25:56What I used to hate about your dad.
25:59Him mucking about and then everybody knowing.
26:02And then you find out and you realise
26:04they've been laughing at you behind your back.
26:07Or else feeling sorry for you.
26:09All who?
26:11Oh, everybody, anybody.
26:14I don't know you lot.
26:17Not in this instance. Nobody's like that.
26:21I'm so shocked, Caroline.
26:24I thought he was different.
26:28I thought I knew him.
26:31I thought he was better than that.
26:33You know, when you haven't seen someone for 60 years,
26:37there will be things about them you don't know.
26:41I love you.
26:43I know you do.
26:45And I think he does. I know he does.
26:47And, you know, this isn't about you
26:50and I think you need to try and step back from it.
26:53He went and met him.
26:56Without telling me.
26:58Yeah. Yeah.
27:00Did you know that?
27:02Yeah. Yeah. I... Yeah.
27:05Why didn't you tell me?
27:07I was going to. I told Gillian.
27:09I said, if you don't hurry up and tell her, I will.
27:13They're all men, Rotten.
27:15No. No.
27:18A lot of them are, but I don't think Alan's one of them.
27:21If I thought he was, I'd have driven straight over there
27:24two days ago and ripped his pacemaker out
27:26and shoved it where the sun doesn't shine.
27:31He hasn't got a pacemaker.
27:34No, I know. I know. I just...
27:37I thought it sounded good, but I would.
27:39If I thought for one second that he was taking the mickey out of you,
27:43I'd deal with him. I don't think he is.
27:45I think he's a good man. I think he's made a mistake.
27:48And I bet he's doing his dandest now to make things right,
27:51because I would imagine he is terrified.
27:54Terrified of losing you.
27:56You're very wise.
27:58Mm.
28:00I wonder who I get that from.
28:04Not me.
28:06No, you're right to be upset.
28:08He was unfaithful to his wife.
28:10That's something that's going to bring back
28:12a lot of unpleasant memories for you,
28:14but it was a long time ago.
28:16That's not an excuse, but it really isn't
28:19a reflection on you personally, is it?
28:22Can you see that?
28:25I know you're shocked, I know you're upset,
28:27and come over here for a few days on your own
28:29if you want a bit of time to yourself,
28:31but you don't really want to lose Alan, Mum, do you?
28:44Yeah.
29:02Have I boogered everything?
29:11You've been a while.
29:13I went for a little drive on to the tops.
29:16We were worried you weren't coming back.
29:19I rang Caroline.
29:21Oh, is she all right?
29:23Kate's sick of John being around the house all day,
29:25but Laurence likes him being there,
29:27so she's finding it difficult to tell him to sling his hook.
29:31But, no, nothing else fresh.
29:39I really don't want to be small-minded about this.
29:42I'm not Kenneth, Celia.
29:45It happened once.
29:47I was ashamed of it, I regretted it,
29:50and it never happened again.
29:53OK.
29:55I'd almost forgotten it happened.
29:59Happened, I...
30:01blacked it out.
30:03I don't know.
30:05Right.
30:08I'll be friends.
30:11Of course we're friends.
30:16I googled him.
30:18Sorry?
30:20Gary, I googled him.
30:22You know, I said it looked like he'd done all right for himself.
30:25Well, he has, he owns Caffey Rapido.
30:28Mobile coffee shops, mobile baristas,
30:32vans selling coffee and pastries and cakes like I do.
30:36Railway stations and football matches and...
30:39Well, you've seen him around.
30:42I've never been to a football match.
30:44Yeah, all over.
30:46He started off with one van when he were 18.
30:50Now he has whole fleets of them.
30:52Up and down the country.
30:54He's an entrepreneur.
30:56He's a multimillionaire.
30:58Is he?
30:59He supports all sorts of charities and good causes.
31:04He owns Huddersfield Town Football Club.
31:08Do you want to have a look?
31:10Let me see if I can find it again for you.
31:15MUSIC PLAYS
31:30You and me need to be having a proper conversation at some point, lady.
31:35Gillian! Cheryl.
31:37How's yourself? Yeah, I'm all right.
31:40Oh, bless. How about the news?
31:43Which...
31:44That you and Robbie's been at it behind me back?
31:47Anything you'd like to say to me?
31:49Oh, yeah.
31:51You don't know what I'm talking about?
31:53No.
31:54I'm sorry, that's not good to watch.
31:56It were Robbie that'd tell me himself.
31:58Yeah, a bit of a domestic about the kitchen,
32:00him not wanting to spend money and me saying,
32:02well, it's just a breeding ground for bacteria.
32:04One thing led to another and it all came tumbling out.
32:07So, what I'd like to suggest is,
32:10next time you make him whoopie,
32:12if you could just ask him to wear one of these.
32:15Cos, obviously, I personally don't want to be picking up anything unpleasant.
32:19Oh, and as well, if you're so desperate for sex
32:22that you need to borrow other people's fellas,
32:25let me give you this.
32:29Yep.
32:31So, there we go.
32:34Have a nice day. Mind how you go.
32:40Careful now, don't get too close or she'll have your kecks off.
32:43I know! And with a face like a bust shoe.
32:46She must be releasing that sort of pheromones, eh?
32:49Ooh, white shoes.
33:11So, I said, fine.
33:14You can shove your job where monkeys shove their nuts.
33:18I've had enough of him talking to me like crap.
33:20What happened?
33:22Nothing. Just him saying how I'm always trouble.
33:26Me, I know. Always late.
33:29Really? Twice.
33:32I've had enough.
33:34I've had enough.
33:36I know. Always late.
33:38Really? Twice.
33:40In the last month.
33:43Always mouthing off, apparently.
33:45Only because I'm sticking up for people.
33:48Other people. Against him being a fascist dictator.
33:52I said, I told him, my father was a union man.
33:57I'm not apologising.
33:59And then him just going on about how I'm always...
34:02Whatever.
34:04So, I just said, fine. Fine.
34:06You know what? Fine.
34:08For me, this is win-win.
34:11So, you lost your job?
34:14No, I've resigned.
34:17How is it win-win?
34:20I get time off and I don't have to listen to that jackass
34:23telling me what to do anymore.
34:26Oh, you pillock.
34:29Where's Celia?
34:32She was here before. I nodded off.
34:35Is the Lexus out, sir?
34:38Yeah.
34:40Celia!
34:42I'm just upstairs.
34:45Did you tell her?
34:47Yeah.
34:49Yeah? And?
34:51No, she's fine.
34:53Fine how?
34:56Fine how?
34:58Well, obviously, it were a shock to start with, but...
35:01Well, I don't know, Caroline seemed to talk some sense into her.
35:06Yeah, and...
35:08Come and have a look at this.
35:12I Googled him.
35:14Do you realise who he is?
35:16You'll not believe it.
35:18He's a real move-on shaker.
35:21You'll not credit what he's achieved.
35:24He's a liar, isn't he?
35:26Yeah.
35:27God.
35:29Huddersfield town.
35:31He owns it.
35:33Maybe he'll give me a job cutting the astroturf.
35:35Well, ask him. I rang him.
35:37We're all going to tea on Friday.
35:39Tea?
35:40Oh, supper, dinner, a meal, 7 for 7.30.
35:45I'll have to tell Raph.
35:48Oh, yeah, I already told him.
35:51He was worried you were ill, so I...
35:54How did he?
35:56He thought it was well cool, I think were the exact words.
36:00The fact that you've been unfaithful to my mother
36:02appeared to go right over his pretty little head.
36:05But then again, he's a bloke, so...
36:08What are you doing?
36:10I'm going to Harrogate.
36:12Hello, love.
36:13Celia.
36:14I don't want to make a fuss.
36:16I'm happy for you to go and have dinner with this Gary.
36:19I can see you're all excited about it, and I understand why.
36:22He's obviously a very successful young man,
36:24but I personally would find it difficult, so...
36:27If it's all right with everyone here, I'd rather be in Harrogate.
36:30Celia, it's not because he's successful.
36:33It's because, well, he's flesh and blood.
36:36Yes, well, whatever it is, you'll understand.
36:39Well, he was particular in wanting to meet you.
36:41It's you he's interested in, and that's fine.
36:44Like I say, I don't want to be small-minded about it,
36:47but equally, you'll understand if I don't want to be there.
36:51And anyway, it's the wedding the next day,
36:54and she might want me over there Friday night.
36:57Guess there's anything what's doing.
36:59OK. I won't go.
37:03No, you're going. I'm not having that.
37:05You're going.
37:18I thought I might cook this evening for everyone,
37:22as a sort of thank you.
37:24I bought steak.
37:26You're not a vegetarian, are you?
37:28No. No, I can't do nuts, but other than that...
37:31I bought this.
37:35Sweet, isn't it?
37:39I always wanted a girl.
37:41I mean, I love the boys, obviously.
37:43I wouldn't swap them, but secretly,
37:45I always wanted a little girl, too.
37:47But Caroline didn't want to have any more
37:49after the boys came along.
37:54I'm really sorry about what's happened, John.
37:57Yes, I know you are.
38:02You've both been very kind.
38:09Do you want some tea?
38:12Do you want some tea?
38:29Oh, yeah, Mum.
38:31What's this about you and a vibrator and some condoms?
38:34I said not to say out!
38:36So, actually, you got sacked, in fact.
38:38I resigned. She resigned.
38:40Nothing.
38:42Cheryl came in the shop, apparently.
38:44And I wouldn't have told you about it
38:46if I thought you were going to be horrible,
38:48and repeat it in front of your grandad.
38:50Door. I'll go.
38:52What happened? I wouldn't have, Gillian.
38:54What happened?
38:56There was an incident at work involving Cheryl,
38:59who clearly has...
39:03..some form of borderline personality disorder,
39:06and who got the wrong end of the stick yet again.
39:09So, what happened?
39:21Carry on!
39:22Perhaps we should have a chat, Gillian.
39:24My office.
39:27You all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
39:31So, he said it was a final warning, and I resigned.
39:35No, hang on. Why would Cheryl do something like that?
39:38Because she's deranged. And she's thick.
39:40Not that she can help it.
39:42I heard about what happened.
39:44Just wanted to say I was sorry.
39:46I should have, er...
39:48I should have warned you that she, er...
39:50..that she...
39:54Anyway, she's moved out. She's gone.
39:57Why?
39:59Er...
40:01Oh!
40:03You've...
40:06SHE GASPS
40:07Don't you ever, ever pull that face at me again, young man.
40:11Why? What... Oh.
40:13I did tell you. Yeah. What? You told him? When?
40:17We've been invited out to tea to Gary's.
40:20Gary's? Oh.
40:22So...
40:23OK. Blimey.
40:27So, she's moved out? Yeah.
40:29Come on, we need to be setting off.
40:32Sorry. OK, er...
40:34Well, look, I'll catch up with you later. Yeah.
40:45So, they're going.
40:48He's first met them with him.
40:50Said he felt like he knew him when he met him.
40:53As soon as he clapped eyes on him,
40:55he said he felt like he'd always known him.
40:58Which, I mean, how can you?
41:00It's Gillian I feel sorry for, losing her job,
41:03and then Alan all excited about this fella being a multimillionaire.
41:08Obviously, it's complicated.
41:10She's obviously got very mixed feelings about him herself.
41:14But, ooh, no, Alan's blind to it.
41:17I mean, on the one hand, he's saying he's ashamed he ever had this...
41:21..relationship, and on the other,
41:23he seems to think this fella's the best thing since sliced bread.
41:28HE SIGHS
41:38Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, eh?
41:41Oh, no. Oh, yes.
41:43All these years.
41:45Listen, and I wasn't the other woman, she was.
41:48Me and Robbie, we just had a bit of a blip, that's all,
41:51cos of that loudmouth alcoholic bitch sticking her neb in.
41:55Which? Judith.
41:57We're not going to parade all this in front of Gary, are we?
42:00What, all our dirty linen?
42:02Oh, hell no. We don't want him thinking any of us have sex, do we?
42:06Eh, Grandad?
42:16Where the hell are we? Lost.
42:18I think it looks dead creepy.
42:20So do I.
42:22Oh, God, this is dank.
42:24I'm wondering if that was a wrong turn.
42:26That first one we took way back when we came off Main Road.
42:30Oh, now he says it!
42:34Shit! What was that?
42:36No, we're all right. We keep going.
42:38The worst that can happen is we'll end up in Slowit.
42:41It's like we're in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
42:43Yeah. You think Uncle Gary's a transvestite, Mum?
42:46From transsexual Transylvania?
42:49Hey, there's a light.
42:50Eh, when?
42:51Over at the Frankenstein place.
42:53Oh, there really is a light.
42:55Look.
42:59Wow.
43:00Good Lord.
43:02Oh, my God.
43:04Blimey.
43:12So, I was 17.
43:14This was in summer 1983.
43:16And I had five part-time jobs.
43:19And one of them was...
43:20Blimey!
43:21Why? How?
43:23I don't know. I was saving up to go to university.
43:25You never went.
43:26I didn't need to. I didn't have time.
43:27And one of them...
43:28You didn't hear that?
43:29Do you know Luigi's?
43:31It's a cafe on George Square in the middle of Halifax.
43:34I used to wash up there, anyway.
43:36There was this old gadgier machine in the stockroom upstairs.
43:39It's been there for years, gathering dust.
43:41It was defunct. It was ancient.
43:42God knows when they ever threw it out.
43:44But I reckoned I could fix it up.
43:46And I offered him five pounds for it.
43:48And he laughed and said,
43:50Gary, you take it.
43:52I'll give you five pounds to take it away.
43:55LAUGHTER
43:56That was an Italian accent.
43:58Yeah, I was wondering.
44:00So, at the same time, my grandad, my mum's dad, he retired.
44:04He was retiring. He was a painter and decorator.
44:06And he had this old van he'd used for years and years and years.
44:09It was dropping to pieces.
44:10And I said, can I have it?
44:13And he said, Gary, lad, I'll give you ten pounds to take it away.
44:16So...
44:19..I've got a coffee machine and a van.
44:23What are you going to do?
44:25You're going to put them together, aren't you?
44:27Inevitably. Yeah, obviously.
44:29That was, in fact, my idea.
44:31Well, she says this.
44:32Because it's true.
44:34So, where did you two meet?
44:36Ah, well, there's another story.
44:39You know Tyson's, the company that makes security alarms
44:43and security equipment down at Sorby Bridge?
44:45Mm-hm.
44:46Well...
44:47LAUGHTER
44:49Do you know what that means?
44:51LAUGHTER
44:53Yeah, and this is a first edition.
44:57No, not quite, no. God knows what that'd be worth.
45:00This is the first edition in America with, look...
45:05..the publisher's misattribution on the title page to Charlotte Bronte.
45:09Isn't that, you know, amazing?
45:12Amazing.
45:17I am so excited that we've met, Alan.
45:21I feel like I need to know everything, everything about you.
45:25And I want you to know everything about me.
45:27Yeah, well, we will, lad, we will.
45:35HEAVY BREATHING
45:41ALARM BEEPS
45:47SHE SIGHS
45:57SHE SIGHS
46:04Good morning.
46:07Well, hello.
46:09How long have you been up?
46:11I couldn't get comfortable.
46:13Then I got heartburn, again.
46:15Then I had to get up to pee about 19 times.
46:18Then I got all excited, thinking about being married to you.
46:21Aw!
46:26Why are you so poor?
46:28Just think, in just over three hours' time,
46:30we'll be shackled to each other forever.
46:33Have you chosen a poem?
46:35Might have.
46:36Don't want to be the only one reading out a poem.
46:38Might have written one.
46:39Have you?
46:40Might have.
46:41No, have you?
46:43My love is like a hot water bottle.
46:45That's so flattering, Caroline.
46:47My love is like a thermal vest.
46:49God, you've really missed your metier, haven't you?
46:51Shall I compare thee to my dupe, Cherokee?
46:55Go on, then.
46:57Thou art more...
47:00More...
47:02Built like a tank, and guzzles diesel like it's going out of fashion.
47:06Yeah, OK, I've not taught that one to you.
47:08Yeah, well, you've got three hours.
47:12Caroline.
47:15Caroline.
47:32Caroline.
47:39Here, I'm thinking I might wear this suit.
47:42It's one I wore when we got wed first time,
47:45in the register office in Halifax.
47:47Right.
47:49What about you?
47:51What about me?
47:52Well, what are you wearing?
47:54I'm not going.
47:56What do you mean?
47:58Look, I can't stand there smiling,
48:00and nobody's going to thank me if I stand there looking like a wet weekend.
48:03Well, I think you should make an effort.
48:05It's Caroline's big day, not ours.
48:07Big day?
48:09Getting married to another woman?
48:11But...
48:13You were just saying how nice it were when Kate popped round.
48:17Yeah, well, that was yesterday.
48:21Oh, Celia.
48:24Don't let this other business spoil.
48:28Where did you do it?
48:30What?
48:31Sex. You and Mary.
48:34I'm not going to.
48:36I'm assuming you couldn't take her back to your house
48:38because Gillian and Eileen would be there.
48:41And who did she live with?
48:43Her mum and dad, so that wouldn't have been an option.
48:45I don't want...
48:47In a stationary cupboard at Jessop's,
48:49in the back of your car,
48:51fumbling about with her knickers.
48:53In the same car, possibly,
48:55I brought Gillian back from the hospital in when she was born.
49:00Then going back to Eileen.
49:02Smelling of her.
49:05I'm not Kenneth.
49:08The night Caroline was born,
49:10the night I lost all that blood,
49:12I had to have that transfusion.
49:15I found out afterwards he'd been having it off with someone else.
49:18Kenneth, that same night.
49:22I was in hospital, I nearly died.
49:24And he was off shagging one of his tarts.
49:28Do you know what that does to you?
49:31To your self-esteem. Have you any idea?
49:36And the year Gillian was born,
49:39you're mucking about with somebody's secretary.
49:51Ten minutes, let me measure.
49:53Yeah.
49:57You're nervous.
49:59Are you?
50:03Can I tell you something?
50:05What?
50:08Can I tell you how grateful I am to you for
50:11giving me the strength and the courage to
50:16stop hiding?
50:18You're magnificent.
50:20Magnificent.
50:23Very prescient.
50:25Do you remember that day?
50:26That was so mad. Snogging in your office.
50:30It was more than a snog, pal. I had my hand inside your bra.
50:36Oh, Alan, it's open.
50:41Good morning.
50:42Yes, hello, love.
50:44Very smart.
50:45Oh, yes.
50:47Wow.
50:49We've...
50:51There's a problem with your mum.
51:03Mum, you need to get dressed.
51:07He's no better than your father.
51:09Mum, I want you to get dressed.
51:10Did you hear what I said?
51:12I did, however, today isn't about that.
51:14Look,
51:16please don't take this the wrong way,
51:18but you don't mind if I don't come, do you?
51:20Yes, yes, I do, actually.
51:22I really want you to be there.
51:24I'd only make everyone miserable.
51:26You'll make me miserable if you don't come.
51:28But Kate's mother's not going to be there.
51:30That's because she's in America.
51:32She's working.
51:33She's going to come and spend the summer with us,
51:35and all the more reason why you should be there.
51:38I was very looking forward to it.
51:41I bought an outfit and a hat.
51:44Good.
51:45Put them on.
51:48Oh, Mum.
51:51You've got to separate what's happened between you and Alan
51:53from this today,
51:55because they're not connected.
51:58I really want you to be there, Mum.
52:03Mum,
52:04get dressed.
52:07You'll have a nice day with your friends.
52:11Do you remember when I got my doctorate?
52:13The degree ceremony, and you didn't come.
52:16My dad turned up, and I said,
52:17oh, where's Mum?
52:18And he looked a bit apologetic, and he said,
52:20oh, she's not here.
52:21He'd obviously had an argument,
52:23and I was really rude to him.
52:24I said,
52:26well, there's no point in you being here if she's not here,
52:28and it really hurt him.
52:30I could see.
52:32He'd bothered to come all that way,
52:34and you hadn't, and I was rude to him.
52:37The biggest day of my life.
52:40And you weren't there because you'd had an argument with him
52:42about God knows what,
52:43but I certainly wasn't part of the equation
52:45when you decided not to come.
52:48It was always me
52:50that took an interest in everything that you did,
52:53not him.
52:54Well, the facts on that occasion would suggest otherwise.
52:57I tried to look forward to that day so much.
53:00I'd imagined it.
53:01I imagined you, both of you,
53:03in Oxford,
53:04taking you out for lunch,
53:05showing you around the college,
53:07introducing you to my friends.
53:10I had no idea you weren't coming
53:11until I saw my dad on his own down Cornmarket.
53:13I was devastated.
53:15I was gutted.
53:18I know you've had an upset,
53:19but these things are not connected,
53:21and if you do this to me again,
53:23then there's absolutely no point
53:25in pretending that we have any kind of a relationship.
53:32Please, Mum.
53:33Get dressed.
53:41Right.
53:56Right.
54:10Right.
54:16All right.
54:17What is this?
54:19Brilliant.
54:20Where's Lawrence?
54:21I don't know.
54:22I expected to come with the others.
54:36Well, Bernie, nice outfit.
54:41She says she's not going.
54:43Why?
54:47I don't want to go either.
54:49Oh, now, come on.
54:51You can stay here with me if you like, chicken.
54:54Well, that's what I just said.
54:55She's invited Angus.
54:56She can't have Angus turning up on his own.
54:58He'll have no one to sit with.
55:00And what about your mother?
55:02You're right, Grant.
55:06I'm staying here.
55:10You'll regret this.
55:12Both of you.
55:13You'll regret it.
55:16What's happened?
55:18Please.
55:19Please, both of you, think about Caroline.
55:22She doesn't deserve this.
55:24I'm sorry.
55:49Where's Lawrence?
55:50Oh, he's coming with...
55:52Hello there.
56:11Should we all be heading inside?
56:15I'm sorry, love.
56:16I tried to persuade him.
56:18Then Lawrence came round and then...
56:22He wouldn't come either.
56:28Well, there's no point in you being here, then, is there?
56:31If she's not here.
56:49What's going on?
56:50Are you not at the wedding?
56:51Nope.
56:52I, Caroline Elizabeth Dawson,
56:54do take you, Katherine Abike McKenzie,
56:56to be my lawfully wedded wife.
56:58You know I've got all this money.
56:59Why don't we get married?
57:00I think we could be comfortably off.
57:02Have I got anything to say to you?
57:03I don't want to fall out with you.
57:05You're your own worst enemy.
57:07Where are you going?
57:08Home.
57:09To Halifax.
57:10If that's what you really want.