deaddogsmoking
deaddogsmoking
  • 2 months ago
First broadcast 26th November 2013.

With strangers as witnesses Alan and Celia marry in a registry office.

Anne Reid ... Celia
Sushil Chudasama ... Azeem
Derek Jacobi ... Alan
Alexis Platt ... Dave
Ant Bacon ... Registrar
Nicola Walker ... Gillian
Sarah Lancashire ... Caroline
Dean Andrews ... Robbie
Tony Gardner ... John
Josh Bolt ... Raff
Katherine Rose Morley ... Ellie
Nina Sosanya ... Kate
Louis Greatorex ... Lawrence
Edward Ashley ... William
Maxine Burth ... Midwife
Alice Andrews ... Passing Midwife
Ronni Ancona ... Judith
Felix Johnson ... Angus
Paul Copley ... Harry
Susan Cookson ... Yvonne

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Happen we should just get on with your wedding and not tell anyone until it's all over and done with.
00:08I've never been a best man. It's something I'd like to do, once, before I die.
00:13When I come back, we really do need to work out what's what and who's is what and all the rest of it.
00:19I think I'm a little bit in love with you.
00:21I need to tell you this thing.
00:23She slept with John.
00:24It's just a disappointment, isn't it? An ongoing disappointment.
00:28Who?
00:29Ellie.
00:30Girlfriend.
00:31She's not my girlfriend.
00:32Gillian's coming.
00:34Gillian?
00:35Yes. Oh, and Kate's moving in.
00:38They've got an appointment to get married at 11 o'clock this morning.
01:29How long will it take?
01:39Oh, I don't know. Not long, I shouldn't think.
01:46This is Dave. He's kindly agreed to be our other witness.
01:51This is Celia.
01:54How do you do?
01:55And this is Azzine.
01:57Do you know how long it's going to take?
02:00Half an hour, 20 minutes.
02:02About that, yeah.
02:03I'm wondering if you'd be better off finding somebody else.
02:06Oh.
02:07Sorry.
02:08Are you on duty? Is he on duty?
02:11He shouldn't be wasting half an hour being a witness in a registry office if he's on duty.
02:16I don't mind.
02:17Would you be all right finding somebody else, Grandad, if I do bugger off?
02:20Yeah, obviously, I'll have to.
02:23What if I gave you a £20 note?
02:25Oh, well, yeah.
02:28OK.
02:31£20 note?
02:32Yeah.
02:33Each?
02:34Yeah.
02:35Not between us?
02:36Yeah, both of you.
02:39Well, that's sorted.
02:41And now we're ready.
02:44He's a policeman.
02:46He shouldn't be fleecing pensioners.
02:48And Azzine obviously needs to be somewhere else.
02:52You're fine, love.
02:53I'll just say I got delayed.
02:57Do you know Paul Jattry?
03:00Should I?
03:03Celia Dawson and Alan Buttershaw?
03:06Yeah, that's us.
03:07Oh, that's us.
03:08Are you ready to come out?
03:09Yep.
03:10Yep.
03:24I'm not too late.
03:27Alan Buttershaw and Celia Dawson.
03:30Just upstairs.
03:34And could you just confirm your date of birth for me, please, Alan?
03:3715th of December, 1936.
03:40No!
03:41Fine, you carry on.
03:43Don't tell us.
03:44We don't mind.
03:45We're just your daughters.
03:47Is Caroline here?
03:49No, Celia, she isn't.
03:50Because you can't get from Harrogate to Halifax in the space of 15 minutes.
03:55Not unless you're Captain Spock.
03:57And you can disappear up your own backside in a cloud of glitter with a cheesy sound effect
04:01and land on another planet two seconds later.
04:03I don't think even Caroline can do that.
04:06I may be wrong.
04:07She means Mr. Spock.
04:09Who's he?
04:10That's Azzine.
04:11Halifax's finest halal.
04:13Rawson Street, just down here.
04:15Well, it's not mine.
04:16It's my uncle's.
04:17How did you know?
04:18Down the side of the city.
04:20I didn't know what to think.
04:22And you know what, Dad?
04:23It's fine.
04:24You go live in Harrogate with your posh pals.
04:27Don't bother speaking to me for two weeks.
04:29Don't invite me to your bloody wedding.
04:33We used to talk to each other.
04:35Do you remember?
04:36Before you had your head turned.
04:38Don't you start on Celia.
04:40I suppose it hasn't occurred to you to ask why?
04:43I don't want to hear your crappy little excuses.
04:45You would never have done something like this before.
04:48You would never not have thought about me and Raph.
04:51But that's fine.
04:53If that's the way they do things in Harrogate.
04:56Enjoy.
05:03Have you any, any idea how worried and upset I've been?
05:08Eh?
05:09You haven't a bloody clue.
05:16Are we, uh, carrying on then, or what?
05:20Oh, damn.
05:21I feel a bit shaken now.
05:23Would you like a few minutes just to gather your thoughts?
05:27Maybe I should ring Caroline.
05:29That's up to you.
05:31Have a seat.
05:32I should be busy.
05:35I haven't turned your head, have I?
05:41I haven't turned your head, have I?
05:45Ignore her.
05:47Oh, damn.
05:49You must have fallen out of me pocket.
05:53It was just meant to be a bit of fun, you see.
05:57Getting married in secret.
05:59Well, and romantic.
06:03We were just going to tell them all afterwards.
06:07We thought they'd think it was funny.
06:10We thought they'd be pleased for us.
06:14Doesn't seem the same now if they know.
06:17Well, they do know, clearly.
06:20We weren't doing it just for effect.
06:23We are actually in love with each other.
06:26We have been since we were kids.
06:29I don't think we should let it make any difference.
06:37I don't think we should let it make any difference.
07:08I can't take your call just now.
07:11But if you leave a message, I'll ring you back.
07:15Julian, it's Caroline.
07:16I'm sorry I couldn't talk properly earlier.
07:18I was just, um...
07:20Are you all right?
07:22Look, ring me if you want to.
07:24I'm sure they'll just...
07:27I don't know. I'll try again in a bit, OK?
07:29Bye-bye.
07:33Caroline, John's on the phone.
07:36Put him through.
07:47Hello, hello.
07:48Hiya.
07:50You all right? Been better.
07:54What time's your dinner break?
07:57John.
07:59It's me.
08:00Yes.
08:04Hello?
08:05Can I talk to you?
08:07Yes.
08:08No, I meant face-to-face.
08:11When?
08:12Sooner rather than later.
08:15Are you having a lunch break today or just working through?
08:18What do you want to talk about?
08:20Me, us, everything.
08:24I can give you half an hour at half past one if it's important.
08:28Where?
08:29Well, it'd have to be here in my office.
08:32I think you're overreacting.
08:33He thinks the sun shines out of her house and I'm just scum.
08:37Well, he might think the sun whatever,
08:39but why does that mean he suddenly thinks that you're scum?
08:42Oh, just...
08:44He's just...
08:46He's taken up with her.
08:48He's in love.
08:49It's nice.
08:51You can't be jealous.
08:53I'm not jealous.
08:54Well, what is it, then?
08:56Well, is it normal?
08:57Not inviting any of your nearest and dearest to your wedding?
09:00Well, I could understand you being upset
09:02if they'd invited Caroline and not you, but they didn't.
09:05They obviously wanted this little secret do.
09:09I think it's romantic.
09:11I think Caroline's right, they just want to...
09:13Oh, bloody Caroline.
09:16What's up with Caroline? I thought you were married.
09:18Nothing.
09:19She walks on water.
09:20She's perfection in human form
09:22and I'm just brain dead, low-life trailer trash.
09:26Oh, yes.
09:27Is there something else going on?
09:29He's been on arrogant two weeks
09:31and I've rung him four or five times
09:33because I'm worried about him and he knows I am
09:35and he barely has time to speak to me
09:37and when he does, it's all very...
09:40tepid.
09:42Have you argued about something?
09:46No.
09:47You said something that's upsetting?
09:48No.
09:52I think she thinks I'm a bit of a one.
09:57Which I might be, sometimes.
10:00So what?
10:01My dad's never minded before.
10:03Well, yes, but...
10:04I think she thinks our house is a ripe muck hole.
10:07I can tell by the look on her face.
10:08It's a farm, get over it.
10:10Just cos I'm not sodding perfect like Caroline.
10:17Do you want me to ring him?
10:18No.
10:21No.
10:22Oh, it's...
10:24Oh, it's...
10:26No.
10:29Shall we get married and not tell anyone?
10:36I don't know what's happening to me.
10:38I don't know who I can... I can't...
10:42There's no one I can...
10:43What do you want?
10:46I didn't mean I meant generally, in life, now.
10:50What do you want?
10:51Focus on the future, not the past.
10:53I want you.
10:55I want everything to go back like it was.
10:58Right.
11:15I've moved on.
11:17You are going to have to get used to that, and when you do...
11:20My publisher's dropped me.
11:21Really?
11:23Really?
11:24Yeah.
11:25Oh, shit.
11:29Well, I'm...
11:31God, I'm sorry.
11:33I've squandered everything that mattered.
11:35I don't recognise myself.
11:38Could you get more work at the university?
11:40Yes, that's... It's...
11:43I can ask, but...
11:51Would you like some tea?
12:21Fuck!
12:52I may have...
12:56..overreacted.
13:03You going to say anything?
13:04It was just meant to be a bit of fun.
13:08Bit of an adventure.
13:10Nobody was excluding anybody.
13:14As such, it was just...
13:15Yeah, right.
13:16Why would you think it were all about you?
13:18I didn't tell Caroline.
13:21Cos...
13:23Cos of that, what you said.
13:25Last time I saw you, about me mother.
13:29And then you don't speak to me for two weeks, hardly.
13:32And I have to rely on Caroline, this woman who...
13:37Let's be honest.
13:39I hardly know.
13:40Having the courtesy...
13:43..to pick up the phone to me once afloat, to know you're not...
13:46..back in hospital or worse.
13:49We came up with plan
13:51before we ever even had that conversation about your mum.
13:55We just didn't want to fuss, love.
13:58Your dad didn't and neither did I.
14:01It was nothing to do with anything else.
14:03It's between me and him.
14:04I would really appreciate you not speaking to Celia like that.
14:07I don't believe you anyway.
14:09All right.
14:11You don't... You don't want to fuss?
14:13Fine.
14:15But why would you not want to share all of that with any of us?
14:19With Raph? With your mates?
14:21Not just me.
14:22I mean, Harry and Maurice were wetting themselves.
14:24They were desperate.
14:25I've said what I've said.
14:26It's truth.
14:27If you're not prepared to accept it, there's very little I can do.
14:32What have you done to him?
14:34He didn't say anything.
14:36He didn't say anything.
14:38What have you done to him?
14:40He didn't used to be like this.
14:43You'll be voting for Snooty Dave and his chums soon.
14:47Dad, you'll be buying a dead mule.
14:49I think we'd better go.
14:50Back to Erica, is it?
14:52I'll phone you when we arrive so you'll know we've got there safely.
14:56If you've time.
14:58I don't know how you can fashion talking to your dad like this
15:02when you know how poorly he's been.
15:06Don't go.
15:08Dad.
15:09Well...
15:11The thing is, we're married now.
15:13So...
15:18You did it.
15:19Of course we did it.
15:22So I'm going back to Harrogate with Celia
15:24because that's always what planned were.
15:27Planned were to come and tell you first,
15:30because you're here,
15:31and Caroline second, because she's there.
15:33We had a bit of a debate about that, the logistics,
15:36because we didn't want Caroline to feel she was any less important,
15:40but we couldn't think of a way round it.
15:43Short of telephoning,
15:45but we wanted to see people's faces when we told them,
15:49because we thought they'd be happy for us.
15:52Right.
15:54Well, if you'd had us all there, you could have seen all our faces
15:58all at the same time,
15:59but obviously that wasn't what you wanted.
16:02Well...
16:04Perhaps we have made a mistake.
16:07Well, we have, clearly,
16:09because this doesn't resemble in any way, shape or form
16:12the happy moment we hoped it might be.
16:18I'm sorry.
16:21I've overreacted.
16:24I'd have found that card, I'd never have known,
16:26and you'd have just turned up all happy,
16:28and I'd have probably been very happy to see you,
16:34but still pissed off
16:36that you hadn't spoken to me properly for two weeks.
16:39Yes, you don't have to remind me
16:40that there was a reason for not speaking to me.
16:59PHONE RINGS
17:15Hello?
17:16Mum, it's me.
17:18Hiya.
17:19Is it all right if I bring Ellie home?
17:21For tea.
17:23Ellie?
17:24Yeah.
17:25Is she not a vegetarian or anything dozy, is she?
17:29Well, actually, yes, she is.
17:31Right, well, I might have a carrot somewhere.
17:35Your grandad's got married.
17:36My grandad?
17:38Yeah.
17:39What?
17:40Yeah.
17:41When?
17:42This morning.
17:43Tell me all...
17:45Were you there? Who were there?
17:46Nobody.
17:47Nobody was there.
17:49Your grandad's got married?
17:51How come?
17:53Your grandad.
17:56Is she laughing?
18:16Have you had a good day?
18:23Married?
18:24Well, I don't know whether they actually did.
18:27Granny's got her mobile permanently on voicemail,
18:29so you know as much as me.
18:31Bring Alan's mobile?
18:32I don't think I've got his number.
18:34It's been Gillian again.
18:35I've rung her four times
18:36and I don't think she's speaking to me.
18:38Why?
18:39Oh, she was upset because they hadn't invited her,
18:41whereas I just thought,
18:42well, I wouldn't have time to go anyway.
18:44Yes, you would.
18:45Kate, I haven't got time to get divorced,
18:47never mind going to other people's weddings.
18:49You are going to find time to get divorced.
18:51Where's Dad?
18:52He's at Judith's, I expect.
18:54I don't know.
18:55Angus said he saw him in school today.
18:57Yes, he was.
18:59Briefly.
19:00Why?
19:02We had something to discuss.
19:04Angus said he looked hungover.
19:06Yes, well, Angus has a very fertile imagination.
19:09What did he want to discuss?
19:11I'll tell you later.
19:15I know why they didn't invite us.
19:16Why?
19:18Rocket science, is it?
19:26You don't think they didn't invite anyone because of me?
19:29Us, you and me?
19:32What makes you think that?
19:39Thanks.
19:42What's she like?
19:43The lady who's married.
19:45She's kind of glamorous.
19:46How?
19:47My grandad thinks she is.
19:49And look at that car she persuaded him to buy.
19:51Yeah, well, he's mesmerised by her, isn't he?
19:53She's nice. She's funny.
19:55She's a bitch.
19:56What are you on about?
19:57I'd never have had that heart attack
19:58if she hadn't been so nasty and small-minded about Caroline.
20:03She's got this daughter.
20:05She's posh, you know, really brainy, really clever, really nice.
20:08On what planet is Caroline nice?
20:10She is.
20:11That night Celia and my grandad went missing,
20:13she was, like, really supportive and kind.
20:15She was once sat in this very chair,
20:17blubbing her eyes out, going,
20:18Oh, I've been depressed.
20:20It was me, me.
20:22Bloody me.
20:24Do you mind not swearing at the dining table, Mother?
20:26Do you mind not cracking these people up to be things they're not?
20:31She's got a doctorate in chemistry from Oxford.
20:34So what?
20:35I bet she doesn't know how to deliver breached twin lambs
20:39at three o'clock in the morning in a blizzard.
20:43I bet she does.
21:01Well, Mrs Buttershaw.
21:03Well, Mr Buttershaw.
21:05It's been quite a day.
21:07Every day with you seems to be quite a day, one way or another.
21:11Do you know I can't remember what I did with myself all day before I met you?
21:15No, I don't think I can.
21:17I just used to fart about and do bugger all.
21:20Oh, I'm quite fond of farting about and doing bugger all.
21:23I think it relaxes you.
21:25Hobbies include farting about and doing bugger all.
21:30I might put it on my CV.
21:32Have you got one?
21:34Have a hell.
21:36I don't need one. I'm a woman of leisure.
21:38And means.
21:40I've been for some significant time.
21:43I'm quite a catch, let's face it, in oh so many ways.
21:47And modest too.
21:49Oh, hell no.
21:50When did being modest ever get you anywhere?
21:53So?
21:55So?
21:58The wedding night?
22:00Mm.
22:02Sixty years later than anticipated, maybe, but...
22:06well worth the wait.
22:08Well, we'll find out, won't we?
22:14Are we not better knock on Caroline's door first?
22:18Oh, God.
22:20I wonder what Gillian's told her.
22:23Where's Kate?
22:24Oh, she's gone home.
22:26Just tonight, just to sort out a few things.
22:28And the boys?
22:30William's got a job in town, washing up in a restaurant.
22:33He won't.
22:34He won't be back till gone midnight.
22:36And Lawrence is upstairs sulking.
22:39Oh, why?
22:40Because I've taken him off at the knees.
22:42I've wiped the floor with him.
22:43What's he done?
22:44He's upset Kate.
22:45Why? What's he said?
22:47Apparently I didn't hear it.
22:48I was trying to fathom the gospel.
22:50He said the reason you hadn't invited any of us to the wedding
22:53wasn't rocket science.
22:54It was because you didn't want Kate there.
22:56Cheers.
22:57Congratulations.
22:59Here's a muddle in your eye.
23:01Which I said was nonsense.
23:02It is nonsense.
23:03It were not to do with anyone else.
23:05It was just meant to be a bit of fun.
23:07It's fun, I know, as long as we're clear that it is nonsense.
23:10It's nonsense, and you can tell her that from me.
23:13Or you can tell her yourself the next time you see her.
23:16Right.
23:17Right.
23:19So, just out of interest, now you're married,
23:22where were you thinking of living?
23:24Ah, well...
23:25We've not really thought...
23:27No, that's one of the things, you see.
23:29We were getting bogged down in practicalities of this,
23:32and so then we ended up thinking,
23:34well, we'll never get rid of this rate.
23:36OK.
23:38Well, I'm just going to run this past you.
23:41John's publisher's given him the shove.
23:43Oh, shit!
23:45So, this is the thing.
23:48He can't afford to buy me out.
23:50My half, my share, which I was imagining he could,
23:52but he can't, so way, hey.
23:55Anyway, now I'm contemplating ways
23:57in which I can buy him out rather than sell up,
24:01which obviously is an option.
24:03OK.
24:04I've not had the house valued yet,
24:06but based on what I imagine we'd be looking at,
24:09and if you did want to live in the flat together...
24:12But we'd have to make a contribution.
24:14It's...
24:16That's...
24:17I've already put money into this house.
24:19The bottom line,
24:22unless a number of factors kick in financially,
24:24is that we would have to sell up.
24:27Well, what sort of figure would you be looking for from me?
24:30From us?
24:32100 grand.
24:34One along here sold for 850,000 a few weeks ago.
24:37It's ridiculous.
24:39You could afford the rest yourself.
24:41No, I was going to ask Kate.
24:42Ask Kate what?
24:43To sell the house.
24:45I haven't said anything to her yet.
24:47I wanted to talk to you first.
24:50Look, don't... Nobody has to make any instant decisions.
24:53I just...
24:54And it's the boys you see as well.
24:56I'd just like to be able to give them that stability,
24:58at least until they've finished their education and...
25:04Oh, God, I'm sorry.
25:06It's your wedding night.
25:08I shouldn't be inflicting all that on you now.
25:12We'll talk about it tomorrow.
25:14Here, take this.
25:18Could you give us a minute?
25:21Yeah, oh, yes, yes, of course I can.
25:23Thank you, Carola.
25:24Oh, it's a pleasure.
25:26I'll see you in the morning.
25:28I'll see you in the morning.
25:36What?
25:40It wasn't about Kate.
25:42Us getting married like this, it hadn't occurred to me.
25:45It was because of what the consultant said
25:48that morning Alan left hospital.
25:50What do you mean?
25:52We just wanted to get it done with quickly,
25:55with as little fuss as possible.
25:58Why?
26:00Look, you're not to say anything.
26:02He won't talk about it.
26:04He likes to pretend there's nothing wrong with him
26:06and we just got married for a bit of fun, which we did.
26:10And Gillian doesn't know this.
26:12What?
26:14A sensible approach is the key, Mr Buttershaw.
26:17Because, not to put too fine a point on it,
26:21you wouldn't survive another heart attack,
26:24even a relatively small one.
26:31Oh, good Lord.
26:33Yeah.
26:35Yeah.
26:38I just wanted you to know.
26:41And you can tell Kate so she knows.
26:45It really wasn't about anything else.
26:58I need to tell you something.
27:00Actually getting on?
27:01Can she stop?
27:02Here?
27:03Yeah.
27:04Tonight?
27:05Yeah.
27:06No.
27:07You can give Ellie a lift down Rippenden when you go,
27:09can't you, Robbie?
27:10Yeah.
27:11I'll be setting off in about half an hour or so.
27:14Right.
27:16OK.
27:18Well, the thing is...
27:23..she's pregnant.
27:27It's mine.
27:29She's eight months.
27:31She told her mum and dad and they went mad.
27:33They've chucked her out.
27:44Oh.
27:49Has something happened?
27:51No, not... Well, yeah, yeah.
27:53Someone's...
27:55Raf's got himself into a bit of bother and...
27:57Oh.
27:58There's nothing to worry about, Dad.
28:00I don't want you getting stressed.
28:03Just...
28:05..it might benefit him if you're around a bit.
28:09That's all.
28:11If...
28:13If you...
28:15Right, OK.
28:17Well, we can pop over.
28:19Who is it?
28:21Well, that'd be...
28:22Can you give me General, um...
28:25He's...
28:27He's...
28:29He's wanting to leave school.
28:32And chuck his life down the drain.
28:35Like I did. And I don't want him to.
28:37Well, why?
28:38Why is he suddenly thinking of doing that?
28:40I thought he were doing very well with his A-levels.
28:44He is. He is.
28:46It's a bit complicated.
28:48There's a girl involved.
28:50It's a man thing.
28:52It's best if you come over.
28:54If you can.
28:56I'm going to have to drive over to early marks.
28:58Is Robbie not around?
29:00You can't drive. You're not allowed.
29:02Bugger that.
29:03You know, you're the only person he ever really listens to.
29:05I'll drive you.
29:07It's out my house.
29:09It's mad, but you see, I think this is working, you and me, don't you?
29:12Well, there's Lawrence.
29:14And the ever-constant threat of John dropping by.
29:17Pissed. With Judith.
29:18I'm dealing with all that.
29:20And your mum.
29:21Although, maybe Celia and Alan want to go and live somewhere else anyway.
29:24Now they're married, so...
29:26Well, no. The thing is, I probably need her input as well.
29:28My mother's financially, so...
29:30So, she'd be staying?
29:32Well, I...
29:34I think she's been on a steep learning curve the minute I do.
29:36And they'll probably spend most of their time over at Gillian's anyway, so...
29:38I don't know.
29:40Fine.
29:42I'm not saying they shouldn't last.
29:47Good. It's fine. Look, I don't...
29:49Let's not dwell on it.
29:50No, actually...
29:52You know what? If it was just about you and me,
29:54I'd be worried it was far too quick and that you'd regret it.
29:56Oh, Kate, I wouldn't have asked you if I thought I'd regret it.
29:59I like that house a lot, but I'm not blinkered.
30:03I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
30:07I hope I'm not shallow enough to be asking you for the wrong reasons.
30:10It's just a bit sooner than we might have anticipated.
30:12That's all.
30:13Really?
30:14Really.
30:16Look, say no if you really think it's wrong.
30:18Say no, but think about it.
30:20It's not something we have to decide this second.
30:24I can't kiss you again.
30:27No, no, no, you really can't.
30:29No.
30:31We'd need to know the exact figures.
30:33Mm-hm.
30:34I've got someone coming to give me a valuation later this afternoon.
30:38I'll get mine valued.
30:41So is that...
30:43There's just one other thing to say,
30:47which I would have brought up further down the line had things progressed.
30:50But seeing as we're possibly moving forwards slightly faster than...
30:54Yeah.
30:56You know I'm 42 next week?
30:58Yes, I did know that. Right.
31:00OK, so...
31:04This is equally...
31:05OK.
31:08I want a baby.
31:11I want to have a baby.
31:14I've always wanted a baby, and...
31:17If we are going to do this properly, permanently,
31:20you need to know that, and...
31:22It's good that it's cropped up now, because time's not on my side.
31:28No.
31:30No, Caroline.
31:34I'm serious.
31:41I love you guys.
32:04CAR DOOR CLOSES
32:18So...
32:20What's up?
32:23Celia.
32:25Gillian.
32:29You know I told you Raph's, er...
32:31got a girlfriend?
32:33Is this the one that blows hot and cold?
32:35That's right.
32:36Ellie?
32:37The one who only bothers with him if she hasn't got a better offer on the table.
32:40What about her?
32:41She's here.
32:43She's inside.
32:45She's pregnant.
32:46Eight months. They both reckon it's his.
32:48Her mum and dad gave her an ultimatum which,
32:51allegedly, she didn't like.
32:53It involved not seeing our Raph anymore.
32:57So...
33:00Why did she not think to get shut of it?
33:04She didn't know she was pregnant, she says.
33:07She managed to convince herself it was any number of other things.
33:11And you can't tell, you know, until you know to look.
33:14It's hardly showing.
33:16So, it's too late to...
33:19Five months too late.
33:21I made her an appointment at the surgery.
33:25I'm driving her down in half an hour.
33:27And is it definitely his?
33:31He is convinced that it is.
33:35Oh, God.
33:37But you're not to get upset.
33:39Whatever's happened, we'll sort it.
33:42What's the plan?
33:44The plan?
33:46What?
33:47He's not leaving school, I've told him.
33:49He's a bright lad.
33:51He's going places.
33:53I'll do what I can for him, but...
33:57I've told him in words of one syllable.
33:59I am not a nanny.
34:01Well, it's two syllables.
34:03And I'm not made of money.
34:05What about her parents?
34:08They obviously think our Raph's not good enough for her.
34:11Which is interesting, cos frankly, I'd have said it's the other way round.
34:14Did he not take precaution?
34:17These are the wrong questions, Dad.
34:21Time's passed.
34:24She's inside. Raph's gone to school.
34:28Do you want to come and say hello?
34:38Ellie!
34:40This is Raph's grandad.
34:42Hello, love. Alan.
34:44And this is Celia.
34:46My wife, Celia.
34:47I've just had a bath.
34:49Congratulations.
34:51I think it were a bit hot.
34:53I think I'm having, like, contractions.
34:57Oh, heck!
34:59We'll get her to hospital.
35:01You go pick Raph up from school.
35:04Oh!
35:15It's a mess. That's what this is.
35:17A right total sodding mess.
35:20Yeah, I know. I know, all right? I know!
35:23And how do we know it's yours? Really, eh?
35:25I've been through this. I told you, I know the knife.
35:27No, come on! Maths!
35:29If she's only eight months, why's she gone into labour now?
35:31It's early.
35:32Oh, you so want to believe it, don't you?
35:34She probably isn't even eight months, the size of her.
35:36She's never slept with anyone else.
35:38She says.
35:39Yes, she says.
35:40I reckon you'd better ring her mum and dad.
35:41I'm not ringing her mum and dad.
35:42Oh, well, that's grown up.
35:43They hate me.
35:44Well, they need to know.
35:45They need to share some of the responsibility.
35:47She's their daughter. That'll be their grandchild.
35:49Unequivocally theirs.
35:51Whereas I don't have the luxury of such certain knowledge.
35:54She wouldn't lie. Why would she lie?
35:56Because she knows she can rely on you, you pillock.
35:59Cos you're so bloody smitten with her.
36:01So unreliable, and that's bad. Why?
36:04Because you've got your whole life ahead of you.
36:06You've got choices.
36:08What choices will you have if you're saddled with a baby at 17?
36:11And it's not even yours, for sure.
36:14She'd dump you for this other lad.
36:16Who else has she been wriggling around with, eh?
36:21No-one.
36:22God, you're naive.
36:24Yeah.
36:25Yeah, and you're a dirty, mighty old cow.
36:27I beg your pardon?
36:29Stay out.
36:41You having to stress your granddad?
36:43I'm not stressing my granddad.
36:45If anyone will be stressing my granddad with shouting, it's you.
36:48You're doing what?
36:50Delivering babies.
36:52Well, a baby.
36:53Unless it's twins.
36:55Which would be a very surprised size of her.
36:58Well, why are you...?
37:00Whose is it?
37:02That's the $64 million question.
37:05Shall we start at the beginning?
37:07Well, surprise, surprise.
37:10It turns out Raph's a bit of a mucklum.
37:13Just like his mother.
37:14And do you know what?
37:16She insisted on Alan racing over here.
37:19She wanted to tap money off him.
37:22They're already hard up, now with a baby on the way.
37:25Sorry, so...?
37:27Raph's put his girlfriend in the pudding club.
37:31And she's not dared tell anybody until it's too late.
37:34And she just got into labour, just now.
37:37Just this morning, that's why we're here.
37:40But you needn't worry, love.
37:42On the money front, I'll not be taken in.
37:46Did you talk to Kate?
37:48Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
37:50And?
37:52Is she on board?
37:54In, yeah, theory.
37:56You don't sound convinced.
38:00No, she's...
38:01Obviously, it's a big thing to ask, isn't it?
38:04Now, don't take this the wrong way.
38:06What?
38:07Isn't it a bit soon
38:09to be asking her to buy a house with you?
38:12I know you're very fond of her,
38:14and I'm not saying anything about that,
38:16but you've only been together five minutes.
38:20I can't sell that house.
38:24No.
38:26Oh, I'll have to go, love.
38:28I'll talk to you later. Bye.
38:30Where is she?
38:31They're through here.
38:38He'll be here any minute.
38:40I'm sorry.
38:41What was your name again?
38:43Alan.
38:44I'm Grandad, apparently.
38:46Deep.
38:47Really pale.
38:50Grey Grandad.
38:51Sorry?
38:52Grey Grandad.
38:53All newbie, it's Grey Grandad.
38:55Oh, aye.
38:59It's one of these.
39:01It's one of these.
39:03It's one of these.
39:05It's one of these.
39:08Are you looking for someone?
39:10Um, Ellie?
39:11Ellie Weaver.
39:12Just down here.
39:15I don't want a baby.
39:17I'm too young to have a baby.
39:20I don't even know what you do with babies.
39:22We'll work it out soon enough.
39:24What if I don't like it?
39:26What if it's got something wrong with it?
39:29What if it's got more than one head?
39:31No, there's no sending it back.
39:32It won't have.
39:34Why haven't we evolved better?
39:36This is medieval.
39:38I'm going to be split in two.
39:40I'm going to die.
39:41No, you're not.
39:42I'm not ready for this.
39:43I'm not even here.
39:45You're going to be absolutely fine.
39:48Did you two get married yesterday?
39:51We did, yeah.
39:53I'm not telling anyone.
39:55That's right.
39:56Why?
39:58Just to be different, really.
40:01Romantic.
40:03How was it?
40:05Well...
40:09Everybody happy?
40:13Say cheese.
40:15Cheese.
40:18It were memorable.
40:22Oh, now who've we got?
40:24It's my grandson.
40:25This is so weird.
40:27And you're the father?
40:28Yeah.
40:29Are you all right?
40:30And I'm his mother.
40:31I'm not really comfortable with the fact that this is happening.
40:34In fact, I'm inclined to suggest that it isn't.
40:37I am firmly of the opinion that I'm not really here.
40:41She's been at the end of knots.
40:43Right.
40:44So, she is between three and four centimetres dilated.
40:48It's going to be a good few hours yet before the fun really starts, so...
40:52I'm not actually her mother.
40:54Her mother isn't actually here.
40:57Ellie?
40:58Ellie?
41:01Have you wrung your mum?
41:05No.
41:07Do you think you should?
41:09Because if you don't, I will.
41:13SIGHS
41:24The night Caroline was born, I lost three pints of blood.
41:28I nearly died.
41:29Did you?
41:30Mmm.
41:32I could feel myself going down this tunnel.
41:36But the odd thing was, I didn't mind.
41:39I just thought, so this is it?
41:42This is what it's like?
41:46And I nearly got to the end.
41:49And then it got slower and slower.
41:52And I realised I was going backwards.
41:54Back the way I'd come.
41:56That must have been when they gave me the blood transfusion.
42:02Do you think it is his, Ralph's?
42:05Oh.
42:06They put it at a party.
42:08I asked him if they'd been drinking.
42:11Malibu or somewhere.
42:13And, er...
42:16I think they're genuinely very fond of each other.
42:21They're the same age we were.
42:23That day you asked me out at the top of Elizabeth Street in 1953.
42:27Do you remember?
42:29I just started at Jessop's.
42:31I had a new suit.
42:33You just started at, er, Co-op.
42:36God.
42:38We'd have never carried on like that at that age, would we?
42:41No, but we do now, so...
42:44People had more self-respect.
42:47Oh, we hadn't had the benefit of swinging 60s in 1953, had we?
42:52You're not going to make out like it's a good thing.
42:58I'm very good with babies.
43:02I'm sure you are.
43:04They tend to like me. I don't know why.
43:07They probably sense you're just as daft as they are.
43:10Yes, that'll be it.
43:14Oh, I never thought I'd live to be a great-granddad.
43:19Well...
43:21We're not entirely sure that you are one yet, are we?
43:25Yes, I'd have to help them out.
43:27In the money department, that's what's needed, you know.
43:30You know that, don't you?
43:32Well, having that lad leaving school,
43:34he could get you at the university where he's heading.
43:39Well, OK.
43:41Just as long as you know that I can't see Caroline Short either
43:46over this house business.
43:50How's it going?
43:52Slowly. Poor kid, she's terrified.
43:54I can't get hold of her mum and dad.
43:56I've left messages to ring me on both their mobiles and the landline,
44:00and nothing.
44:02What's up with them?
44:04Well, they're probably in shock, aren't they?
44:07Same as everybody else.
44:09Still, you wouldn't think they'd turn their back on her, would you?
44:13Perhaps they're Christians.
44:15Listen, I've got stuff to see to at home.
44:17I haven't fed stock in Lowerfield. It won't take me long.
44:20Can you hang about here just for a couple of hours,
44:23just till I get back, just in case Raf needs a bit of support?
44:27Can we?
44:29I don't think he believes it's happening either.
44:31Of course we can.
44:40I let myself in.
44:42What's all this?
44:43I've collected some of my stuff from the house.
44:46Going to look at getting a flat near the university.
44:51What happened to you digging your heels and pissing her off?
44:55They've dropped me.
44:56Kershaw and Whittle, Francis Hilliard, sent me an email last week.
44:59Safe.
45:02I don't know why I'm that surprised.
45:05It's been obvious for ages that you've lost it.
45:07What are you talking about?
45:09I don't even know if you ever really had it.
45:11Had it? What?
45:13That fire, that real passion.
45:16I think you were just lucky for a while.
45:18You have no idea.
45:20You know, the trouble with you is that you've never really lived life on the edge, have you?
45:24You've never really taken a risk with anything.
45:26You never really dared to do anything properly dangerous.
45:30You just fiddle-faddle around near the boundaries of it, don't you?
45:35Pretending.
45:37But you never actually pushed them like a real writer.
45:40You're terrified.
45:42Given the choice, if she'd have you back, you'd go crawling back to Carolyn, wouldn't you?
45:47With your tail between your knees.
45:50What do you want, Sean? What do you really, really want?
45:54You don't have to answer that.
45:56I'm not really interested.
45:58But whatever it is, can you piss off out of my flat
46:02and chase after it for once in your life
46:05instead of just clinging on to what's familiar?
46:09Do they snog?
46:11I don't know.
46:13Do they do sex?
46:16I don't know.
46:19Why don't you go do it with your dad?
46:21Mr. McKenzie's going to start telling the boss fibs about you.
46:24I might do.
46:30I don't know.
46:33I don't know.
46:35I don't know.
46:42Like I say, if you think it's a non-starter, then I...
46:46I mean, I do know it's a minefield.
46:48I do know you might not want to go through all that again,
46:50and certainly not with a child that isn't...
46:53But it would be yours, is the point, ours.
46:56How? I mean, how, how would, would you...?
46:59Oh, er, well, obviously, a donor.
47:02Mm-hm. Who?
47:04So, there's this person I was at university with,
47:08and ever since I've, you know, not been married to Richard any more,
47:12I've often occasionally thought that if I ever did manage
47:15to decide to have a baby, he, he, he's someone I would ask, possibly.
47:20Who is he?
47:22He's called Greg, and I went out with him for a bit
47:26when we were at Durham.
47:29We slept together, is the point.
47:32So, he's nice, he's clever, he's good.
47:35He's a really good person.
47:37He... That's why I thought of him.
47:39He's like you. He's one of the grown-ups.
47:42Won't you marry him?
47:44Will you meet him?
47:46Not part of the equation, beyond.
47:48No. No, God, Caroline,
47:50the only people who are part of the equation are you and me and the baby.
47:55So, OK, so have you, have you done any research as regards...?
48:01We could go down the medical route. Which is?
48:03Complicated, lengthy, and the thing is,
48:06well, because I have slept with him before, 300 years ago,
48:11we could just do it.
48:17I mean, he might not agree to any of this.
48:20I think he probably would.
48:22He's not married. He has been.
48:24And apparently, that is the best way of getting pregnant,
48:28rather than any sort of artificial...
48:31Have you got children from his marriage?
48:33No.
48:34Fire in blanks? Oh.
48:36Does he want children? I don't...
48:38It's not really about whether he wants children, is it?
48:40It's more about whether he's willing.
48:42Why is marriage break down? I don't know the answer now.
48:44Well, it's obviously someone you keep in touch with.
48:46Yeah, Christmas cards, when we still did Christmas cards.
48:49No, it's just the odd email.
48:51When?
48:52When his marriage broke down. When mine did.
48:54He knows about you.
48:58I need to meet him. You will.
49:00And this is all...
49:03I've not discussed it with him. You might just say no.
49:06Maybe I shouldn't meet him.
49:08It so isn't about him.
49:10No, it is.
49:12I don't want you getting sperm from just anywhere.
49:14No, of course.
49:17Do we know anyone else?
49:19Do we know anyone else?
49:21No.
49:25Why didn't you and Richard?
49:27We did. Four times. I lost them all.
49:32I didn't know that.
49:34I never got beyond 12 weeks.
49:37Oh, God.
49:40Oh, I'm sorry.
49:43Caroline, if you think it's a daft idea, just say...
49:46I don't think it's a daft idea.
49:48You've obviously thought about it a lot,
49:51and it obviously means a lot to you.
49:56I mean, it's fundamental, babies, isn't it?
49:59Who am I to say no? It's your life. It's your body.
50:01No, I know. It is.
50:03But I wouldn't want to do it on my own.
50:05No.
50:06So...
50:08I mean, we'd be talking sleepless nights and nappies
50:11and years of angst and teenage tantrums.
50:14Yeah, I can do all that.
50:15You're 46. It's not really what you planned on doing next, is it?
50:18Babies?
50:20No.
50:26I wonder how my mother's getting on.
50:28She was delivering a baby the last time I spoke to her.
50:31Your mother was delivering a baby?
50:34Well, she said she was.
50:36Whose?
50:38Oh, it's...
50:39Is there anything that woman doesn't get up to?
50:41Well, somebody else will be doing all the hard work.
50:43She'll just be standing near the door making drunk comments.
50:46I think we're ready to start pushing, Ellie.
50:48Can you turn that off, please?
50:50I'm sorry.
50:51Can you feel the contraction coming?
50:53Yes!
50:54I want you to push.
50:57I'm sorry. I'm going to have to sit down.
51:00Perhaps, Granny, you can take Raph out into the corridor for a few minutes.
51:03Come on, now, for a few seconds.
51:05What about me?
51:06You're still here.
51:07It's all right, love. You're doing very well.
51:11Put your head between your knees.
51:14I should be able to do this. I can deliver lambs.
51:17No problem.
51:29Would you like a mint Imperial?
51:33I want a thing! I want an injection!
51:36I want banglers! I want everything!
51:38I think it'd be better if you could do it without.
51:40Just keep pushing, love. Keep pushing.
51:42You're just squeezing Grandad's hands.
51:44He's not me Grandad!
51:45No, I know I'm not, but I don't mind. We can pretend.
51:49Oh, I want my Grandad!
51:51Well, I can ring him if you think he'll answer his phone.
51:54Look in my phone book.
51:55You'll have to go into the corridor to make that call.
51:58Well, what's it under?
52:00Grandad, what do you think?
52:02Oh, good. That's good. It makes sense.
52:04And what's his name?
52:05Harry. Harry Wallace.
52:07Harry Wallace.
52:08Harry Wallace is your Grandad?
52:12What's up with that?
52:13Nothing. We're...
52:15Oh, hurry up! Get him rung!
52:34Hello?
52:35Gillian.
52:37Speaking.
52:38How's things?
52:39Why?
52:40I just wanted to run something past you.
52:43Quickly.
52:46OK, well, I know you said you're seeing Robbie,
52:49but frankly, I think you and me both know that's just a disaster waiting to happen.
52:54Really?
52:55Really.
52:56You also indicated your need of some sort of investment in the farm.
53:00Your publishers just dumped you. I'm not a fake.
53:04Caroline wants to buy my half of the house.
53:07I think we'll be looking at 400, 450 grand cash.
53:14You think you can just buy me?
53:16No, I just thought...
53:21Are you doing anything this weekend?
53:25What did you have in mind?
53:27Anything. All sorts.
53:31Can we have this conversation later?
53:34OK.
54:02What you doing here?
54:03It's a girl.
54:04Six pounds, three ounces.
54:05Did you know?
54:06Well, he's my granddaughter.
54:08This is her mum, me daughter, Yvonne. Yvonne Gillian.
54:11I've been ringing you.
54:12We had no idea. We didn't even know that she was pregnant.
54:15She said you choked her out.
54:16She never even told us.
54:17Did you not get my messages?
54:18I've been in meetings all day at work.
54:20I only got wind of it when Dad phoned my secretary.
54:22Alistair's going to go mad. He's going to go through the bloody ceiling.
54:25Has your son never heard of condoms?
54:27Listen, you start on my son. What's your daughter doing, putting it about so much?
54:30Now, steady.
54:31We don't even know it is rash.
54:32Keep calm. And you.
54:36So, it's a girl.
54:39They're just giving her a few stitches, Ellie.
54:42Then we can go and have a look.
55:01It's a bit interesting that she did lie, isn't it?
55:04Don't you make judgment about me, about my family.
55:07I'm not making judgment.
55:08I'm just saying it's a bit interesting that she couldn't tell her own mum.
55:11Are you listening to this?
55:12Dad.
55:13Why?
55:14You know nothing.
55:15I know enough.
55:17Well, we've got married and had a baby in just 48 hours.
55:21We're on fire.
55:22We're cooking with gas.
55:24There's no stopping us.
55:31Mum.
55:36You're...
55:38It's poisonous, saying something like that.
55:40I mean, you don't even know us. You don't know me.
55:42You know she doesn't like you.
55:44Shit, sir.
55:45Don't you dare.
55:47Oh, they know it all, don't they?
55:49Except how to avoid getting pregnant.
55:52I want to be somebody's mum.
55:55It's true. She does want a baby.
55:57How?
55:58She's going to get very confused about who its mother is.
56:04Ambulance.
56:28AVAILABLE NOW