First broadcast 2nd January 2012.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
John Pohlhammer
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
John Pohlhammer
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00My Outro For My 20th Birthday
00:25Shaun Locke, Jon Richardson, Joe Wilkinson, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley
00:53Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
01:02Hello, and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Countdown Mashup, a show all about letters, numbers, and conundrums.
01:08Did you know, for example, Countdown is based on a French show where contestants spend 30 seconds trying to come up with a nine-letter word, and then surrender to the Germans.
01:19It took nearly 30 years to complete the first Oxford English Dictionary, but then, I am a slow reader.
01:27And Nick Hewer, of Apprentice fame, is about to take over hosting Countdown. Nick nearly didn't get the job after performing badly on the sausage-making task.
01:37Right, let's get started!
01:47OK, let's meet today's players. We've got Shaun Locke here.
01:51Thank you, Shaun.
01:55The rest of you, go screw yourselves.
01:58Shaun, it says here you're originally from Woking, you're a Chelsea fan, and your hobbies include drinking and smoking.
02:03Yes.
02:05Now, Shaun, you used to be known as the grumpy one from 8 Out Of 10 Cats, but nowadays, you're known as the other grumpy one from 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
02:12Shaun is up against John Richardson, everyone. John Richardson.
02:19Shaun, it says, until recently, you lived in Swindon, and your hobbies include cooking, for one, solitaire, and gently weeping yourself to sleep.
02:28As you can imagine, I've never seen this show before.
02:31Not really my sort of thing, quizzes.
02:33It was out-banging.
02:38You're a big fan of the show, right?
02:40Well, I've dressed up like it's my wedding day for a reason, Jimmy.
02:45It should be the best day of my life, but there's a chance I will be humiliated beyond all repair.
02:51Shaun, are you better at the letters or the numbers? What are you best at?
02:54Well, that's like asking whether you want to be mugged or burgled, really.
03:00I play along, I play along when I watch it.
03:02I have a drinking game.
03:04Every time there's a vowel, I have a tequila.
03:07For me, I'm just really happy to be here, because we could have swapped with My Transsexual Summer.
03:14That is a mash-up.
03:16Unfortunately, Kirstie Allstock is getting a penis grafted on as we speak.
03:25Now, over in Dictionary Corner with the lovely Susie Dent, we've got Joe Wilkinson. Joe, are you a big fan of the show?
03:31Love it. Absolutely love it. Yeah, I play along.
03:34I play like a sort of striptease person.
03:38Every time there's a numbers round, I take everything off.
03:42Second half, completely, yeah, nothing.
03:47I'm not sure what the audience make of you.
03:49The Countdown audience look as if they think Giles Brandreth might have gone feral.
03:54Rachel Riley, how are you over there?
03:56I'm OK, yeah.
03:58It is like having weird new people in my living room.
04:01We don't normally have as many people in here, and you're there, and it's like I've gone to sleep, and this is all a dream.
04:06It's quite a nice one.
04:08Yeah, you would not be wearing that.
04:13Time for the first game. You're first to pick there, Sean.
04:16What are we doing? Countdown.
04:19You pick the letters. What are you going to go for?
04:22I'll have a vowel, please.
04:24Thank you, Sean. Good choice. Start with E.
04:27Good choice. Don't patronise him.
04:30I'll have a consonant, please.
04:32C.
04:34And I'll have an exclamation mark.
04:38I'm feeling confident.
04:40Now, I'll have another vowel, please.
04:42I should be writing these down, shouldn't I?
04:44A.
04:45Another vowel, please.
04:47E.
04:48E? Shit.
04:51Consonant. P.
04:53H.
04:58I'll have a consonant. T.
05:01P.
05:04Shit, I've got to come up with something now.
05:08Vowel, please.
05:10I.
05:12And another consonant, please.
05:15K.
05:17And another consonant.
05:18And the last one. C.
05:20Well, it's an honour and a privilege to say for the first time today, let's countdown.
05:51So, John, how many letters?
05:53What?
05:56I've got five.
05:58You've got five? Sean?
06:02Ten!
06:06I'm using a thunder number.
06:09Can you use a thunder number on this one?
06:12Sure, you're playing your joker?
06:14I'm playing my joker. Now, I've got five as well.
06:18You've got five. OK, John, what's your five?
06:20Peace.
06:21And what have you got, Sean?
06:23I've got cheap.
06:26Cheap and pay. It's going to be a high-scoring game, is all I know for sure.
06:29Do you think they've done any better, Joe?
06:31Well, I didn't get anything because we were sort of flirting.
06:36And I was thinking about pea chicks and chickpeas, which are both F8.
06:42Yeah.
06:45So, at the end of that round, I can tell you which one has five.
06:48John has five.
06:53OK, John, your turn to pick the letters.
06:55Yeah.
06:57I know all the banter that people use.
06:59Go on.
07:00I'll have a consonant, please.
07:04R.
07:05And a better one, please.
07:08S.
07:10And an even better one, please.
07:13G.
07:14And the best vowel.
07:16A.
07:18I was expecting an L.
07:20F.
07:24Don't help him, Sean.
07:27I'll have another vowel, please.
07:29E.
07:30And a consonant.
07:32L.
07:34And a vowel.
07:38Ha, ha, ha, ha!
07:41And a slightly less funny one.
07:44Here's your O.
07:46O.
07:47And a consonant, please.
07:50And the last one.
07:51G.
07:52OK, your time starts now.
08:07LAUGHTER
08:23Sean, what have you got? How many letters?
08:25One, there's five, five, ten...
08:29Five.
08:30Five. Five again. John, what have you got?
08:32I think I've got a seven.
08:35Sean, you go first with your measly five.
08:39Gales.
08:43OK, what's the seven?
08:45Garages.
08:46That's fantastic. Well done.
08:49APPLAUSE
08:54Garages, seven, very respectable.
08:56Joe, did you do any better? Presumably you're in Dictionary Corner,
08:59quite the expert over there with Susie.
09:01I didn't... No, I got...
09:04Shit.
09:07Um, I got lager.
09:10And then we were talking about nipples, weren't we?
09:12Yes.
09:14Rachel always gives me stick about this one,
09:16cos apparently I always do the hand action.
09:18You always do the hand action for...?
09:20Areola, which is the circular thing.
09:25Yes.
09:26Yeah, of all the people to demonstrate,
09:29I did not want you to pop one out.
09:33It's got me outside of the teat.
09:36Thank you very much, Joe.
09:37That's what it says.
09:39Disgusting, that book.
09:42OK, so at the end of that, Sean has five, John has 12.
09:45APPLAUSE
09:50Right, time for our first numbers round. Sean, you're to pick.
09:53Can I have one from the top and five from elsewhere?
09:58Five from elsewhere.
09:59And if you could drop a couple, that'd be nice as well.
10:02I normally do. Right, these ones.
10:04And the five small ones for you, Sean.
10:06Two, four, three, six, nine.
10:11And the large one, 50.
10:13And the target, small, 153.
10:16Your time starts now.
10:18MUSIC
10:25LAUGHTER
10:33LAUGHTER
10:38What are you up to this weekend?
10:39Nothing, nothing.
10:41Going camping.
10:42You're going camping, all right.
10:48So, the target was 153. How did you do?
10:50I've either got it or I've made one of the worst errors on television history.
10:55OK, Sean?
10:56I couldn't believe how lucky I was.
10:58Cos it's one of the numbers I know.
11:01LAUGHTER
11:07Could you show us the working?
11:09Yeah, sure, if you want.
11:11Three times 50...
11:13Three times 50.
11:14..is 150.
11:16Six divided by two is three.
11:19Well done.
11:20And then add it...
11:21150!
11:22APPLAUSE
11:25Now, Jon, did you do the same?
11:27I did it the same way, yeah. Do I have to show you?
11:29Yeah, you do. Show him. I won't understand it.
11:31LAUGHTER
11:33Well, congratulations. Both very good.
11:35So, Sean, you have 15. Jon, you have 22.
11:38APPLAUSE
11:41OK, well, time to go across to Dictionary Corner,
11:43where Joe has an anecdote for us, I believe.
11:46I can tell you about me hobby.
11:47Hobby, yeah.
11:48I've basically got the world's...
11:50I think I've got the world's biggest collection of Susie Dent memorabilia.
11:55LAUGHTER
11:57And I've brought some of them along.
12:00I've got the usual stuff.
12:03LAUGHTER
12:09Susie Dent bunting.
12:11Yeah, it's good for fates.
12:14And, you know, bar mitzvahs and stuff.
12:17I've got Susie Dent fudge.
12:20LAUGHTER
12:23Obviously, I've got a cap.
12:27Power tools.
12:33Er...
12:35Snow globe.
12:38And then got those pens, you know, that you turn upside down and then...
12:43LAUGHTER
12:46APPLAUSE
12:52You look ever so slightly creeped out, Susie.
12:55No, I'm really flattered. I like this.
12:57I didn't see the pen, though. Can I have a look at the pen?
12:59Oh, no, no, no.
13:00I might be freaked out after the pen, I think.
13:01No, no, that's not for sharing.
13:03LAUGHTER
13:06OK, so I can tell you the scores are 15 to Sean, 22 to John.
13:10Time now for your teaser.
13:12The words are PACE ANUS,
13:15and the clue is HEATED FROM THE BOTTOM.
13:18That's HEATED FROM THE BOTTOM, PACE ANUS.
13:20See you after the break.
13:22APPLAUSE
13:34Welcome back to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Countdown mash-up.
13:37The answer to the teaser, PACE ANUS, HEATED FROM THE BOTTOM,
13:40is, of course, SAUCEPAN.
13:43LAUGHTER
13:44So, John's in the lead with 22 points to Sean's 15.
13:47Have you got a strategy for the second part of the show?
13:49Oh, mainly to look less smug.
13:52I swore I wasn't going to look smug,
13:54but I keep feeling myself just go...
13:57Sean, what's your strategy for... Obviously, you've let him...
14:00Earlier, I got hold of John's pen, I scribbled loads with it,
14:03it runs out for the second numbers game.
14:05LAUGHTER
14:07Our next round, ladies and gentlemen, is Pick Of The Letters.
14:09John, to choose.
14:11Feeling pretty good about this second half.
14:13ROCKY TWAT.
14:15LAUGHTER
14:17He's like Rocky, John. I'm coming back.
14:20The way out of the ghetto is spelling.
14:22LAUGHTER
14:25OK, John, letters.
14:27I'll start with a consonant, please.
14:29Thank you, John. Start with P.
14:31And another one.
14:33T.
14:34And a vowel, please.
14:36E.
14:37Oh, I got it!
14:38LAUGHTER
14:41And another vowel, please.
14:43A.
14:44And a consonant.
14:46M.
14:47I'm on fire.
14:48LAUGHTER
14:51And another vowel.
14:53I.
14:54And a consonant.
14:57R.
14:58And a vowel.
15:01O.
15:02And a consonant, please.
15:03And the last one.
15:05G.
15:06OK, let's count down.
15:09LAUGHTER
15:12LAUGHTER
15:37Sean, how many have you got?
15:39Six.
15:40Six?
15:41New high for you.
15:42John.
15:43Fuck off.
15:44LAUGHTER
15:48John, what have you got?
15:49Five.
15:50LAUGHTER
15:52Oh, sorry.
15:53Did I do that out loud?
15:55Yeah, you did.
15:56That's how it felt.
15:57LAUGHTER
16:00John, what's your five-letter word?
16:02The five letters you managed to put together.
16:04Great.
16:05Great. It's not that great. It's five letters.
16:07Sean, what's your six-letter?
16:09Arr!
16:11Pirate.
16:12LAUGHTER
16:14Pirate.
16:15Pirate.
16:16Dictionary Corner, any better than that? Joe?
16:19I was just...
16:20Sorry, I was doing my shopping list for letters.
16:22LAUGHTER
16:24There is a seven. Primate is there.
16:27Primate, of course.
16:28Yeah, I've got that as well.
16:30OK, Sean has 21 now, John has 22.
16:33Neck and neck. Last time for the letters now.
16:36Sean, your pick.
16:37I'll have a vowel, please.
16:38Thank you, Sean. U.
16:40And a consonant, please.
16:43H.
16:44And another consonant.
16:46P.
16:48And another consonant.
16:50R.
16:51No.
16:52And a vowel, please.
16:54R.
16:55E.
16:56R.
16:57And another vowel.
16:59O.
17:01And another vowel.
17:03E.
17:05E.
17:07That's actually in there, isn't it?
17:10And, sorry, a consonant.
17:12W.
17:14Christ.
17:15LAUGHTER
17:16And another consonant.
17:17And the last one.
17:19N.
17:20And here is the Countdown Clock.
17:22CLOCK TICKS
17:44LAUGHTER
17:52John, how many letters did you get?
17:54Er, six.
17:55Six?
17:56Er, five.
17:57Sean?
17:58Five.
17:59Five. Let's hear your five.
18:00Prune.
18:01OK, John, your six?
18:03Er, re-open.
18:04Re-open?
18:05I re-opened a can of whoop-ass on Sean.
18:08LAUGHTER
18:09APPLAUSE
18:15Gary, what's the atmosphere like in Dictionary Corner?
18:17How are things?
18:18WHOOSH
18:19LAUGHTER
18:20A lot of heat, a lot of sexual...
18:22Well, no, it's fine.
18:23Er, yeah, it's... I think we'll be chipping off in a bit.
18:26LAUGHTER
18:27If this goes on any...
18:29We're going to go for an early supper, aren't we?
18:31LAUGHTER
18:33There is a seven there.
18:34There is a seven? What's the seven?
18:35Yes, it is Whereon.
18:37The cliff whereon I walked.
18:40Can we just have a quick look at Joe's beard in that?
18:43LAUGHTER
18:44There you go.
18:45See how that...
18:46LAUGHTER
18:47Just right in there, can we just see how...
18:49There should be some food in there.
18:52LAUGHTER
18:53Do we not have whereupon, then?
18:55Hang on, hang on, there's been a late bit of news on that last one.
18:58R-E-U-P-O-N
19:03Was there a whereupon?
19:04How can I miss that?
19:05What was whereupon?
19:06LAUGHTER
19:08Was that a nine?
19:09Yes!
19:10Was that a nine letter?
19:11APPLAUSE
19:12That is the card.
19:14And I can tell you, Jon, that there are no extra points for that
19:16because you got it after the time.
19:18So Sean has 21, Jon has 28.
19:20As we go into the final numbers game.
19:22Jon, your turn to pick.
19:24I think I might have two big ones.
19:26LAUGHTER
19:29Rachel, have you got two big ones?
19:32I'll let you decide for yourself.
19:34Right, two big ones.
19:35LAUGHTER
19:38And for the last numbers game today,
19:40the small ones are two, five, three...
19:44There's the big ones.
19:45And the small ones.
19:46And the large ones.
19:4725 and 50.
19:49Ooh.
19:50Very exciting.
19:51981.
19:52That looks quite tough, I'm going to give you extra time.
19:54LAUGHTER
19:57I'll give you an extra ten seconds here.
19:59LAUGHTER
20:30LAUGHTER
20:33So the target was 981, what did you get?
20:36Oh, 978.
20:39I got 985.
20:40OK, let's hear yours, Jon.
20:43Er, two times 50 times ten.
20:46Two times 50 times ten is 1,000.
20:49Minus 25.
20:51Minus the 25, 975.
20:53And add the three.
20:54And add the three, 978, three away.
20:57And I really could have added the five instead.
21:00LAUGHTER
21:06I've already got a nine letter,
21:07why wouldn't I just fuck the numbers up?
21:09LAUGHTER
21:11Rachel, could they have done it?
21:13Er, yep, you could have said 50 times ten is 500.
21:17Yep, correct.
21:18Add the three.
21:19Yes, that's correct.
21:20503, yep.
21:21Times the two, 1,006.
21:23Correct.
21:24And take away the 25.
21:26APPLAUSE
21:34That is correct, yes.
21:36LAUGHTER
21:37So, fingers on buzzers.
21:38It's time for today's not crucial Countdown Conundrum.
21:41There are 14 points between you.
21:43I press this button when I've got it, yeah?
21:45As soon as you get it.
21:46You might want to be a little bit closer than that,
21:48cos it's going to be quick.
21:49I don't think so, I think I can kick back a bit.
21:51LAUGHTER
21:52OK, here's today's Countdown Conundrum.
21:55LAUGHTER
21:58LAUGHTER
22:24Well...
22:25LAUGHTER
22:28You know when you're digging a hole
22:30and you've got an exceptional amount of spadework to do?
22:33He's got it. Spadework.
22:35Let's have a look.
22:36APPLAUSE
22:46With three seconds to spare there, Ryan.
22:48You see, now I look like a dick because I said it like that
22:50because I was fairly sure spadework isn't a word.
22:53LAUGHTER
22:54I wondered why you would have said it like that.
22:56Yeah.
22:57Jon's being particularly wankish about this.
22:59LAUGHTER
23:01So at the end of that, I can tell you that, Sean, you have 21 points.
23:03Jon, you've got 45.
23:05That means you are the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Countdown Mash-Up Champion.
23:08You've won a teapot.
23:10APPLAUSE
23:26Thanks to our players, our wonderful studio audience,
23:29Rachel, Susie, Joe, the 26 letters of the alphabet and all ten numbers.
23:33That's it for us. Goodnight.
23:35APPLAUSE
23:45Congratulations to Jon Richardson there.
23:48Who'd have thought he'd turn out to be Ray, now?
23:51We're nearing the end of our mash-up night, but don't go anywhere
23:54because there's still lots to come,
23:56including the final part of Million Pound Rob.
23:59APPLAUSE