8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown. 2013 Special: One.
First broadcast 12th April 2013.
Jimmy Carr
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
Rob Beckett
Lee Mack
Rhod Gilbert
Tim Key
Jimmy Carr
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
Rob Beckett
Lee Mack
Rhod Gilbert
Tim Key
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:31Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
00:35playing the numbers game, it's John Richardson.
00:39Rod help us, it's Rod Gilbert.
00:42And facing them tonight, standing in for Sean Locke, it's Lee Mack.
00:48Back to school, it's Rob Beckett.
00:51In Dictionary Corner, he's lost for words, it's Tim Key.
00:56To put a spell on you, it's Susie Dent.
01:00And you can count on her, it's Rachel Riley.
01:04Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
01:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:13Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:17a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:20Did you know, for example, there have been over 5,500 episodes
01:24of Countdown since its launch in 1982?
01:27I know what you're thinking, it feels like more.
01:31And new words are always being added to the dictionary.
01:34The word chocoholic was first used in 1961
01:37to describe someone addicted to chocolate,
01:39whereas the word cockaholic was first used in 1981
01:42to describe your mum.
01:45Right, let's get started.
01:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:55OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, it's Jon Richardson.
01:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:02Jon's friends call him Rico, which goes somewhere towards
02:05explaining why I've never heard anyone call you Rico.
02:09In 2003, Jon was living as a lonely, friendless,
02:12unloved single man in Swindon, but all that's changed now.
02:15Jon now lives in London.
02:18I don't care. I'm on Countdown again.
02:22Very terrific, isn't it? And Jon's team-mate is none other than Rod Gilbert.
02:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:31Rod speaks Welsh fluently, which is why tonight
02:34he might pick nine consonants and no vowels.
02:38I hate to interrupt you so quickly in this show,
02:40but I don't speak Welsh fluently.
02:42How much Welsh do you speak?
02:44It's very hard to quantify a language.
02:46About 73% of it.
02:50Up against them this evening are one of the funniest,
02:52best-loved and most hilarious comedians in Britain.
02:55Couldn't make it because he's unwell.
02:57So here, instead of Sean Lock, it's Lee Mack.
03:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:04And Lee's team-mate is Rob Beckett.
03:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:11Rob is really looking forward to getting his teeth into Countdown,
03:15which means there won't be much of it left.
03:19Bloody hell, Jimmy, pot kettle black!
03:24OK, over in Dictionary Corner we have poet Tim Key.
03:27APPLAUSE
03:30Tim Key is a poet and philosopher,
03:32which is a nice way of saying long-term unemployed.
03:35LAUGHTER
03:37Are you excited to be here?
03:39Yeah, I love this show, so it's quite a thrill.
03:42I never missed an episode.
03:44LAUGHTER
03:46There's been 5,500.
03:48Oh, yeah. No, I've missed about 5,500.
03:51LAUGHTER
03:52I've seen ten episodes.
03:54LAUGHTER
03:55And with Tim, as ever in Dictionary Corner, it's Susie Dent.
03:58APPLAUSE
04:01Susie is the current president of the Johnson Society,
04:04which rather disappointingly celebrates the life of Samuel Johnson.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:08And, of course, in charge of numbers is Rachel Riley.
04:11APPLAUSE
04:15With her striking good looks, blonde hair and tight mini dresses,
04:18it's safe to say that Rachel's probably killed off more old men
04:21than a winter cold snap.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:25Now, how do you think you two are going to work as a team?
04:28We'll be all right, won't we?
04:30I'm slightly anxious.
04:31Can I just point out I've never seen Countdown?
04:33LAUGHTER
04:35So you're on the show, you've been on more episodes than you've seen.
04:38So far, yes.
04:40LAUGHTER
04:41If I can be asked to watch this back, it'll be a draw.
04:44LAUGHTER
04:46Doesn't bode well, does it?
04:48I'm slightly dubious about the fact that you think there's an H in rod,
04:51to be honest. That's a fact.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:55APPLAUSE
04:59Can I use Welsh words, anyone?
05:01Susie?
05:02There are two Welsh words in the dictionary, corgi and penguin.
05:05There you go.
05:06APPLAUSE
05:10There are two Welsh words in your dictionary?
05:12No, there are probably a lot more.
05:14But the ones that you wouldn't guess to be Welsh.
05:16So what was that fact, non-fact?
05:18I didn't know penguin was a Welsh word.
05:20I'm not sure penguin isn't a Welsh word.
05:22If you're in a post office and you need something to write with,
05:25you say, can I have a penguin?
05:27LAUGHTER
05:29APPLAUSE
05:32Rob, are you good at spelling?
05:34Not great at spelling.
05:35I didn't realise mortgage was spelled with two Gs until I googled it.
05:38That's probably why they won't give me one.
05:40Is it too late to ask for a different person on my side?
05:43LAUGHTER
05:45I was getting shown.
05:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
05:50All I've been to is, I've been doing Team Spirit.
05:53I might not get the right answers, but we can have a laugh.
05:56Have a bit of fun.
05:58I'm more competitive than that. I'd rather have a miserable time and win.
06:01I might have sex.
06:03I'm all in for Team Spirit, but I'm not having sex with you.
06:08Have you got a mascot, Jon?
06:10Oh, yeah, I brought a little picture to spur me on.
06:13I brought a little picture of Shane. That's the dog I sponsor.
06:17You sponsor a dog?
06:19And it's got my mascot on the back.
06:21Look at that. That's me.
06:23A little picture of Jon.
06:25How come you sponsored a dog, not bought a dog?
06:27Because some people get dogs and turn out to be dicks.
06:30You've sponsored him in the long term.
06:32I thought you meant for a one-off event like the marathon.
06:36I've never seen him, though. I got a letter saying,
06:39if you come and see Shane, you should be advised you're not allowed to touch him.
06:43I'm sort of hoping they're sent to everyone who sponsors him.
06:47I mean, he was born in 2002,
06:49so there's a chance he's dead and they haven't told me.
06:54I'm just going to pop him there.
06:56The other part of this is numbers, isn't it?
06:58Yes!
07:00Yes, it is.
07:03I don't know...
07:05I don't know if people are gambling on this at home,
07:08but if you are, I would say this is a good time to back Lee and Rob
07:11and know at least what the show is going to involve.
07:14I know what is involved in running a marathon. I couldn't do one.
07:18I'm not very good at numbers, you know.
07:20I went out after a Wales victory and got so drunk
07:23that for the first time in my life
07:25an actual tangible bit of my brain has disappeared.
07:30I've had my PIN number for about 25 years.
07:34And it's gone.
07:38Actually gone.
07:40Rachel, what's his PIN number?
07:42I'm just slightly worried for him
07:44if his version of maths is remembering his PIN number.
07:47Can you explain that, Rachel? Seriously?
07:49It'd be great if halfway through the show you remembered it
07:51and you went, oh, it's 1864!
07:53Can't use it now!
07:56No, it's not... Why would that happen?
07:58She's not a brain surgeon.
08:01I think you're mixing up maths with mental health.
08:06She could help you with that.
08:08I've got this rash on the inside of my thigh.
08:11What's that mean, nervous?
08:13Mate, I'll sort it out for you.
08:16Right, tonight our teams will be competing for this countdown teapot.
08:23How well trained are you as an audience?
08:26Still a surprise.
08:28Time for the first game. Lee and Rob, you get the first pick of the letters.
08:32Er, yes, thank you, I'll have a letter.
08:36Two types of letters!
08:39Do we guess on this as well, or is it just them?
08:41Have you been living in Britain at all?
08:46Shall we have a vowel? Yeah, let's do that.
08:48Now, what do you think we should do next?
08:50We need a bit of both, don't we?
08:52Consonant.
08:55B.
08:56U, B.
08:57Hey, U, B, lovely.
09:03I'll do all the letters, then the next round you can do all the letters.
09:06I'm really not bothered about choosing, to be honest.
09:09Can I have a consonant, please, Carol?
09:11Sorry, that's it.
09:20Can I have a consonant, please, Rachel?
09:24W.
09:25W.
09:26A consonant, please.
09:28H.
09:29Ooh, I like Hs.
09:31The vowel one, please, the vowel one.
09:33A.
09:34Pardon?
09:35A.
09:39Another vowel, please, another vowel.
09:42E.
09:43E? I'll just write that down, I'll be with you in a moment.
09:46Right, I've got a word here, I'm trying to work out what letter I want next.
09:49I've got it, I've got it, I'll have an F, please.
09:53An F?
09:54No, an F, I need an F.
09:55Have you ever seen...?
09:56What is it?
09:57Have you not got a monitor?
09:58Oh, yeah, we do, we've got... Oh, look at this!
10:02I didn't know about that!
10:04You're in here!
10:06I thought that was a little borrower that had got trapped.
10:10I thought if you got bored, it was something else on.
10:13It's hard for me to watch you on a screen,
10:15because usually when I'm doing that, I have to shut the curtains.
10:19Sorry.
10:24This has descended so fast!
10:28N.
10:29Vowel.
10:30Last one.
10:31Vowel.
10:32I.
10:33Well, for the first time today, let's count down.
10:35Wait, I'm not ready.
10:36Oh, God.
10:48LAUGHTER
11:08What have you got?
11:09Can I just check? Is that going to be...
11:11Can we be doing that constantly? I can't concentrate with that.
11:14That's actually happening, isn't it?
11:16It's in my ear. I'm trying to concentrate.
11:18It's big, isn't it?
11:21How did you not think that was going to be making a noise?
11:23I just thought it was something they put on the post-production.
11:26I didn't think it was going to be going...
11:28You thought we would just be having some quiet time.
11:31OK, so how many letters? Rob?
11:33Three, four, six.
11:35Six, OK. The fact that you went three, four, six.
11:38OK, Lee, how many letters?
11:40Er, six.
11:43Jon?
11:44Er, I've got a seven, but it's definitely not a word.
11:50We'll come to that in a second.
11:52Er, Rod?
11:54I've got six, but it needs another letter, really.
11:59OK, well, we'll start off with the sixes.
12:01Rob, you first.
12:02Erm, wince.
12:04Wince.
12:05W-H-I-N-C-E.
12:06Is that a word, Susie?
12:07It's a word, but not with the H, so it's only a five.
12:10See, we can't allow that, because you've...
12:12You put a H in, which is unlike you.
12:14Yeah.
12:17Oh, so I can't have that?
12:18No.
12:19That's demoralising, isn't it?
12:20I've got a six, we'll be all right.
12:22Lee, what was your six?
12:23Monkey.
12:26Monkey's a word, isn't it?
12:28It's a word. It's not a word in here, though.
12:31No.
12:32Have you got to use those letters?
12:36I thought you had to...
12:38I thought you had to think of the longest word you could think of.
12:43All right, so in that case, it's three.
12:47What's your three-letter word?
12:48Ben.
12:49You can have no.
12:52See if it means something else. You never know.
12:54Ben will be a weird word, like it'll be some sort of, you know,
12:57type of spatula.
12:58Yeah, in Scotland, it's a high mountain or a mountain peak.
13:01Ben, there we go.
13:02Of course.
13:03Rod, what have you got?
13:04Well, the one I was really pleased with was chewing,
13:07except there was no G.
13:09But I had chew-in, like with an apostrophe.
13:13We can't let you have that.
13:14Literally couldn't give a toss.
13:17He's looking like Ben could win this.
13:23The first person to get a three-letter championship, Ben.
13:27Jon.
13:28If you can beach a whale, then maybe you can unbeach a whale.
13:32You know, like Greenpeace do when they pour water on it
13:35and tip it back in the sea.
13:37Unbeach.
13:38Or, like, if you've been to Morecambe and you've had a lovely weekend,
13:41you say, come on, kids, unbeach yourself, get in the car.
13:44Please let Ben be the winner.
13:46I think it might be. Unbeach is not in, I'm afraid.
13:50So, Lee, you get your team three points for the word Ben.
14:00Susie, who do they have done any better?
14:02Well, yeah, they could.
14:03I've got a few.
14:04I've got he.
14:08Be.
14:09We.
14:10In.
14:11And, fairly annoyingly for you, a.
14:15You can have wahine.
14:17That's the name of a monkey.
14:21Just remind them of wahine.
14:24I think Lee's going to have to apologise to Maori women everywhere.
14:27Cos that's what they are.
14:28I wish that was in English.
14:29There's no way that's possible.
14:32If you're too lazy to say washing machine,
14:34I can see how that word is useful.
14:36There's no way that's in English.
14:39OK, so at the end of that, Lee's team have three,
14:41Jon's team have zero.
14:46On to our first numbers round. Jon, you to pick the numbers.
14:49Shall I do this, since you have no idea what's going on?
14:52Probably best.
14:53Hi, Rachel.
14:54Hi, Jon.
14:55Can I have...
14:58Can I have one big one and five small ones, please?
15:01You can. Thank you, Jon.
15:02One big one and five little ones.
15:04Oh, the sexual tension is killing me.
15:08And they are...
15:14And your big one, 100.
15:21Let's count down.
15:34CLOCK TICKS
15:54Have you got to try and add them up into the number at the top?
15:58What did you get?
15:59The number I'm supposed to get.
16:02What did you get, Rob?
16:03I think I got 768.
16:04Yeah, that's what I got.
16:05OK, Lee, I got 768.
16:07I got 768, but I haven't written it down.
16:09Oh, there we go.
16:11You might as well write down 769, though, I noticed.
16:26Too brutal. Whose side are you on?
16:30Jon, talk me through your working. What did you do?
16:32I said 100 minus 4...
16:35100 minus 4, 96.
16:37..times by 8...
16:38Yeah, you're there.
16:39..is 768.
16:40Well done.
16:45It's a very basic way of doing it, I guess.
16:48Rod?
16:49I think I've just gone horribly wrong here.
16:52100 times 7 is 700.
16:549 x 8 is 72.
16:56That's 772.
16:58Take away 4.
17:00Well done. 768.
17:01Thank you.
17:02Can I just say I did it exactly the same way?
17:04Yeah, I did the same thing.
17:05Bertus?
17:07Is that all right?
17:08What's that say?
17:09Fuck you.
17:11Is that premature?
17:13Is that premature? Sorry.
17:16I did do it the same way. Look, it's on there.
17:19OK, so ten points to each team there.
17:25OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
17:27Tim, what have you got for us?
17:28I've got an acrostic.
17:30An acrostic?
17:31An acrostic. Do you know what that is?
17:33No.
17:34You need to see a doctor about it.
17:36An acrostic is where you...
17:37I've got a poem but it's written as an acrostic
17:39where the letters come down on one side
17:42and then you make a poem going across
17:44using the letters from the word that's going down.
17:46That sounds very difficult to do.
17:48This is based on Countdown.
17:50Right.
17:51So I've got... It's the show.
17:52And so Countdown goes down there
17:55and then I've written a poem using the words going across
17:59with the letters starting the words.
18:01Shit yourself when you got to that W, didn't you?
18:03Someone was overconfident with the CL.
18:05Yeah.
18:12Only on Countdown did you hear the phrase,
18:14you shit yourself when you got to that W.
18:18I'm dying to hear this now. Go on, Tim.
18:20Yeah, but also it's a haiku as well,
18:22so it means that the first line has got five syllables
18:25and the second one seven and the third one five
18:28and the theme is Countdown.
18:30And because of all of those restrictions, it's shit.
18:36OK, consonants useful.
18:39I missed the O.
18:50Numbers too difficult-ish,
18:53because it needed to be seven,
18:55so numbers too difficult-ish,
18:58which just leaves five syllables and O-W-N.
19:01I've nailed it.
19:02Only Whiteley knows, and there's no's without the K.
19:13OK, let's have a quick check-in on the scores.
19:15Jon and Rod are on ten, Lee and Rob are on 13.
19:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:22And here is your teaser.
19:24The words are achy tits and the clue is refraining from pleasure.
19:28That's achy tits, refraining from pleasure.
19:31See you after the break.
19:42Welcome back.
19:43The answer to the teaser, the words were achy tits
19:45and the clue was refraining from pleasure.
19:47And, of course, chastity.
19:51OK, Lee and Rob are in the lead.
19:53It's time to mix things up a bit.
19:55You've been playing in teams so far,
19:56but this letters round is for Lee and Jon only.
19:59So, Lee, your turn to choose the letters.
20:01No help?
20:02No help.
20:03Oh, like that, is it?
20:04I mean, last time you wrote...
20:05I mean, you've got Ben on your own, so you'll be fine.
20:08Thank you very much.
20:10Can I have a consonant, please?
20:12S
20:13Oh.
20:14Vowel.
20:16Please be an M. I've got another name coming.
20:19Consonant, please. If it's an M, we're in.
20:21G
20:23Oh, I hope we've got a G and a Y and a tits.
20:28Can I have a consonant, please?
20:30M
20:31Oh, that's really sag-a-loo as well.
20:33All right.
20:34Vowel, please.
20:36E
20:37Can I have a consonant, please?
20:40T
20:41And a vowel.
20:43I
20:44Back on for tits, mate.
20:47Consonant, then. Consonant.
20:49S
20:50I can still do it. Give me that consonant. Come on.
20:52The last one.
20:53D
20:54OK, let's count down.
21:17So, what have you got, Lee and Jon?
21:19Er, I've got a nine.
21:21A nine.
21:23And, Jon, what have you got?
21:26Have you?
21:28Oh, shit.
21:30I've definitely got an eight.
21:32You've definitely got an eight.
21:34I've got loads of eights.
21:36Have you got a nine?
21:38I've got a nine.
21:40I've got a nine.
21:42I've got a nine.
21:44I've got loads of eights.
21:46Have you got a nine?
21:47OK, so what is your eight, Jon?
21:49Er, sandiest.
21:51Sandiest. Like, the sandiest.
21:53As in, we all unbeached ourselves, but I had...
22:02OK, what have you got? What's your nine-letter word, Lee Mack?
22:06Steadings.
22:08Oh, amazing.
22:10It's in.
22:14No.
22:18Steadings.
22:20You see, I don't know very much all or nothing.
22:23I'm very much a multiple of three person.
22:26I used to have a name of six.
22:28Be honest, Lee, are you as surprised as everyone else,
22:30and that is a word?
22:31I'm on the outside, I'm trying to look cool.
22:33Inside, I'm going, I can't believe it.
22:35This reminds me of the first time I had sex.
22:37Lee...
22:38How did that happen?
22:40How the hell did that happen?
22:43What does it mean?
22:44What does it mean? Well, you put your penis inside a...
22:48Well, a steading is a sort of...
22:51Something to do with maybe farms or something,
22:53like an area of land.
22:55A homestead.
22:56A farmstead, yeah.
22:57A farmstead.
22:58Well, I'm...
22:59Literally, I've lost the ability to speak.
23:03Nothing makes sense anymore.
23:06Well, I'm going to retire now.
23:08Can we get a close-up on Jon's face?
23:09I've never seen anyone look more shocked and disappointed
23:11at the same time.
23:14The most embarrassing thing about getting it,
23:16and never in the history of the show,
23:17has Dick Cheney-Corner ever gone...
23:21This will bring down the whole show!
23:23I'm going to just look into the eyes of the dog you've had killed.
23:27I'm not sponsoring him anymore.
23:30To live with me on my steadings.
23:34Sponsor me.
23:39So, Lee, you got 18 points for that.
23:41Just out of interest...
23:42You get double points, do you?
23:43You get double points, yes.
23:44Wow. Wow, I didn't know that.
23:45That's a right result.
23:47Just out of interest, Tim,
23:48could they have done any better than that?
23:50I almost got goat.
23:53No-o.
23:54She got steadings.
23:55Of course she got steadings.
23:57She's got a massive book to help her out.
24:00Can you just put your arm round the book like that,
24:02just in case they are...
24:03OK.
24:04I think Lee can see across.
24:05There you go.
24:06The ability to see a dictionary from this distance
24:08is more impressive than getting steadings.
24:12If the next answer's English, we know he's cheating.
24:16You must be a bit annoyed, John, cos...
24:18I'm fucking fine about it!
24:27The confidence that you had, Sandesh,
24:29you've underlined it.
24:31Do you know why I underlined it?
24:33I know you've underlined it, cos you underlined it...
24:35Cos last time I wrote something else down,
24:37I felt like an idiot.
24:39It's funny, cos you put Sandesh and underlined it,
24:42and I wrote steadings and framed it with a little...
24:46Can we just do the fucking conundrum?
24:49Yeah, do the conundrum.
24:50I'm quite good with nine-letter ones.
24:56You won't let me know if I'm getting too cocky, will you?
24:58I'm not going to engage me.
25:00So, John and Rod have ten points,
25:02Lee and Rob have 31.
25:04Wow!
25:07Right.
25:08Now time for Rob and Rod to go head-to-head in this numbers round.
25:12It's just you guys.
25:13So, Rod, you're to pick the numbers.
25:15Yes, I do, you little prick.
25:22What am I doing?
25:23You're picking the numbers.
25:24If you pick the numbers,
25:25nice Rachel will give you the numbers.
25:27I'll just pick a seven...
25:28I've got four big ones.
25:30I'm just going to go off the shelf and have four big ones, please.
25:33You know, that's the hardest combination.
25:35No, maybe not, then.
25:36Four big ones.
25:37No, maybe put three of them back.
25:42And five little ones.
25:43I don't mind how many, whatever.
25:44Yeah, OK.
25:46So, one big one and five little ones.
25:48Right, your little ones are
25:50one, five, eight, nine,
25:54another eight and the large one, 50.
25:56And your target...
25:57427.
25:59Are we out, or is it just these two?
26:00Just these two.
26:01Oh, right, OK.
26:02427 is the target. Let's count down.
26:03Wait, wait, wait. Oh, shit.
26:07What's it? 427.
26:28Shut up!
26:29I'm saving.
26:37Rob, what have you got?
26:39A headache.
26:41I've got to...
26:42Oh, that's embarrassing.
26:43I've got to 500.
26:45And that finished.
26:48So, Rob, no points for you, because you weren't close enough.
26:50No, I was really not near it.
26:52I mean, I was going to do eight times eight
26:54and then take that off the 500, but I just couldn't do it.
26:58I sort of know what it is, but I just...
27:00That's going on. There's a lot of people here.
27:04I went to a comp and I did big maths classes,
27:06but this is ridiculous.
27:08OK, Rob, what did you get?
27:10Well, it depends.
27:13Well, it shouldn't depend. I mean, you should have something that...
27:16I can do 423, I reckon, if you push me.
27:19423, so how did you do it?
27:21I did it like this.
27:2550 times eight.
27:2650 times eight, 400.
27:28Plus nine, plus eight, plus five, plus one.
27:30Eight, nine, and five, and one, and 23.
27:35Boom.
27:36Four away, seven points.
27:38You get seven points for that. That's pretty good.
27:40Tim.
27:43Tim, please.
27:44Well, unless it's like a trick question,
27:46this one's quite easy, isn't it?
27:48No.
27:50Tim, how would you have done it?
27:52Well, get the 400 and then make 27.
27:5650 times eight.
27:5750 times eight for the 400.
27:59Yeah.
28:00And then eight minus five...
28:03Is three.
28:04Could you find us a nine?
28:05I could find you a nine.
28:06OK, 27, and then...
28:08Yeah, add it on.
28:09Et voilà .
28:16Let's check in on those scores.
28:17Jon and Rod are on 17, Lee and Rob have 31 points.
28:22And here is your teaser.
28:23The words are DICKSPIT,
28:25and the clue is SOMETHING LONG AND COVERED IN OIL.
28:30That's DICKSPIT, SOMETHING LONG AND COVERED IN OIL.
28:33See you after the break.
28:44Welcome back.
28:45The answer is DICKSPIT,
28:46and the clue is SOMETHING LONG AND COVERED IN OIL.
28:50Welcome back.
28:51The answer to the teaser, the words were DICKSPIT,
28:53and the clue was SOMETHING LONG AND COVERED IN OIL.
28:55It was, of course, DIPSTICK.
28:58OK, before we move on,
28:59Rachel, I've noticed that Susie always has a sidekick,
29:02so I thought it was only fair that you got one too.
29:05Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
29:06Rachel's top personal assistant, Joe Wilkinson.
29:20APPLAUSE
29:25Joe?
29:26Joe, are you excited to be Rachel's assistant?
29:28Oh, God, yeah.
29:29Yes.
29:30I'm going to sit down, actually.
29:31Oh, you'll sit yourself down?
29:32Yeah.
29:33Yeah, yeah.
29:34Very excited.
29:35I'm ready.
29:36I've got a...
29:39That could have been a lot worse when you opened your coat, yeah.
29:43I've got me Countdown utility belt and fanny pack on this.
29:48I've got everything Rachel will need during the show.
29:53Pens, pencils, Post-it notes, got some Johnnies.
30:01Calculator, thing for drawing.
30:05Got a tranquiliser dart.
30:09And in the fanny pack, I've just got some gammon.
30:16Right.
30:18APPLAUSE
30:22What do you think Rachel needs the most assistance with?
30:25The main issue is, apparently, Rachel tends to sniff the toxic pens.
30:31Even high as a cart, she's blinded at this, so...
30:34Keep her steady, that's the main thing.
30:36Steady as shit, that's what I mean.
30:38That's why I've got the gammon.
30:41Well, Rachel, Joe's going to be with you throughout the rest of the show.
30:44I can't believe your luck.
30:45Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
30:46Brilliant.
30:47APPLAUSE
30:52So you're playing as teams again.
30:54John and Rod, time for you to pick the letters.
30:56Hi, Rachel.
30:57Hi, John.
30:59Hello, John.
31:00Oh, I remember you from last time.
31:02Different glasses, sat next to me, ruined it for me.
31:07Can I have a consonant, please?
31:09I'll do it, I'll do it.
31:10Do you want to do the vowels?
31:11Yeah, I'll do the whole lot.
31:12Have a pickle gherkin, I'll do it.
31:14Consonant, pop it in the middle.
31:16Am I supposed to open it?
31:18Oh, you can have it, yeah, I'll do that in a minute.
31:20I'll have a vowel, please.
31:21Have a vowel.
31:35Can I have another consonant, please, mate?
31:38I'll have another vowel, please.
31:40I've got... Yep.
31:41Er...
31:44Add a consonant.
31:45God, bloody, old greedy buzz.
31:50Add a consonant.
31:51Er...
31:53And another vowel.
31:54Add two, sod it.
31:58All right, then.
31:59I've got to remind you, there's a bit of a twist.
32:01I've got to remind you, there's a bit of a twist.
32:03I've got to remind you, there's a bit of a twist.
32:05All right, then.
32:06I've got to remind you,
32:07there is a consonant hidden behind one of the Es.
32:09Which one?
32:10I'll have one last consonant.
32:20OK, your time starts now.
32:36CLOCK TICKS
33:02What have you got?
33:04Four.
33:05OK, a little bit of honesty there. Lee?
33:07Six.
33:08OK, Jon?
33:09Seven.
33:10I've got no jokes.
33:11Just, we need the points now, so that's...
33:14OK, Rob, what have you got?
33:16Six.
33:17OK, let's go Rob first.
33:19Mol.
33:20What, sorry?
33:21Mol.
33:22As in...
33:23M-O-L-E.
33:24Right.
33:25It's very hard to get a one-syllable word that's making it sound so common.
33:29OK, what have you got, Lee?
33:31Lemon.
33:32You could both put the Es on, but one more.
33:34Lemon, sorry, it was lemons, I forgot to say...
33:36Lemons.
33:37Oh, lemons.
33:38I could have had moles, couldn't I?
33:42What did you get, Rob?
33:43Well, to be honest, I forgot about the other E.
33:46So I had lemons, but I've got a seven now that the other E's up there.
33:50Is it the one that you've seen written down on my pad?
33:52Yeah.
33:56What have you got, Jon?
33:58I've got females for the first time in my life.
34:02APPLAUSE
34:06Susie, Tim, could they have done any better?
34:08Well, you could have, because it's a bit obscure,
34:10flamens, who in Roman history were priests serving particular gods.
34:15I thought you could have enflames, but I failed.
34:17I thought it was there for eight, but it wasn't.
34:19Could you have...?
34:20So, seven was my best.
34:21Would a little girl mole be a female?
34:25Joe, do you think they could have done any better?
34:27On!
34:28LAUGHTER
34:31OK, after that, let's just check in with the scores.
34:33It looks like Jon's making a comeback with 24.
34:35Lee is still in the lead with 31.
34:37APPLAUSE
34:42OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner again.
34:44Tim, what have you got for us?
34:45Yeah, I've written a poem about Rachel Riley.
34:48Oh.
34:49And it's an actual poem.
34:53OK.
34:54Rachel Riley took her letters and her board thing on a date
34:59and only spoke using them.
35:02"'You look lovely,' her dopey date said.
35:06Riley took a consonant, another consonant, a vowel,
35:10a consonant, another consonant, another consonant,
35:15a vowel and a final vowel and wrote,
35:17"'Thank you.'"
35:20Then she cleared the board and took a vowel, a consonant,
35:26a consonant, a vowel, a consonant,
35:31a vowel and a consonant and wrote,
35:33"'I'm bored.'"
35:37Let's pack up.
35:39"'Can I at least get your number?'
35:41She threw all the tiles at him and wrote,
35:43"'It's in there somewhere.'"
35:46And then she wheeled her board back out into her truck
35:49and sped back to her mathematics lair.
36:02I love poetry.
36:03I think it's a lovely way for virgins to express how lonely they are.
36:08Here's your final teaser.
36:09The words are anal time and the clue is
36:13you can overlay a surface.
36:15That's anal time, you can overlay a surface.
36:18See you after the break.
36:30Welcome back.
36:31The answer to the teaser, the words were anal time
36:33and the clue was you can overlay a surface.
36:35It was, of course, laminate.
36:37OK, time for our final letters game.
36:39Lee and Rob, your turn to choose.
36:41Yep.
36:42Vowel.
36:43I thought extendable pointer.
36:45Shall I just put the gherkins on the chair?
36:47Yeah, yeah, bugger me.
36:48Great.
36:49You need one of these.
36:50Thank you.
36:51Should I read them?
36:52Pop it in the middle.
36:53No, no, don't bother.
36:54I.
36:55Can we have another vowel, please?
36:57No, don't pop it in.
36:58A.
36:59Another one?
37:00You can't have all, can you?
37:01No, I don't think so.
37:02I don't know what I've done without you all these years.
37:04I know.
37:05O.
37:06Got two peas in a pod, haven't we?
37:08The other one?
37:09G.
37:10That's OK?
37:11Yep.
37:12Consonant.
37:13Is that all right?
37:14Yeah, put it...
37:15Cheers, mate.
37:16Erm, again.
37:17Yeah?
37:18Vowel now, please.
37:19I'll do it.
37:20And I'll let you two, you can choose one each.
37:21Oh, I'll have a vowel.
37:22I'll have another vowel.
37:23APPLAUSE
37:24Rachel's taking issue with that.
37:25Well, I know he's in training, but we have to have four consonants.
37:26I can't do it.
37:27I can't do it.
37:28I can't do it.
37:29I can't do it.
37:30I can't do it.
37:31I can't do it.
37:32I can't do it.
37:33I can't do it.
37:34I can't do it.
37:35I can't do it.
37:36I can't do it.
37:37I can't do it.
37:38I can't do it.
37:39I can't do it.
37:40I can't do it.
37:41I can't do it.
37:42I can't do it.
37:43I can't do it.
37:44I can't do it.
37:45I can't do it.
37:46I can't do it.
37:47I can't do it.
37:48I can't do it.
37:49I can't do it.
37:50I can't do it.
37:51I can't do it.
37:52I can't do it.
37:53I can't do it.
37:54I can't do it.
37:55I can't do it.
37:56I can't do it.
37:57I can't do it.
37:58I can't do it.
37:59I can't do it.
38:00I can't do it.
38:01I can't do it.
38:02I can't do it.
38:03I can't do it.
38:05LAUGHTER
38:22Lee, what have you got?
38:24I've got a risky ten.
38:28LAUGHTER
38:31LAUGHTER
38:33What have you got? I've got an eight.
38:35You've got an eight? Oh, well, OK.
38:37A dubious four.
38:39LAUGHTER
38:40OK. Jon, what have you got?
38:42A six.
38:43A six? OK.
38:44Normally you're a little bit more competitive than this, but that's OK.
38:47I've got a fucking six, mate.
38:49LAUGHTER
38:50OK, Rog.
38:51All I've got is gherkin, but I couldn't tell if I was looking at the jar or...
38:55LAUGHTER
38:57APPLAUSE
39:01APPLAUSE
39:04I think we need our age, don't you?
39:06Yeah, you do need the age, but the bloody jar of them is there.
39:09It's the power of suggestion and putting the gherkins up there.
39:12OK, so that doesn't count.
39:13I think I was playing catchphrase.
39:15Right, what was your four?
39:17Um, my four was gnorc.
39:19LAUGHTER
39:21Not in gnorc.
39:23LAUGHTER
39:24Beautifully done.
39:25Is there an addict to me? Is it?
39:27Is there an addict to me? Yeah. You can have a single.
39:29What's the description of a gnorc?
39:31It just says a woman's breast.
39:33OK, and Jon, what was your six?
39:35Er, regain.
39:36Very nice.
39:37APPLAUSE
39:41And Lee, what was your eight?
39:43Re-oaking.
39:45LAUGHTER
39:47Let me tell you a story.
39:48I recently, er...
39:50We put oak flooring down in our house.
39:52LAUGHTER
39:53But, er, you know, we were, well, we were oaking the floor
39:56when we were doing it, and, er, we made a bit of a mess with it.
39:58Before you knew it, we were re-oaking it.
40:00LAUGHTER
40:01Is re-oaking in?
40:02What do you think, is that a word?
40:03Re-oak is not in.
40:05Well, have a look again.
40:07LAUGHTER
40:08I'd like you to change mine to three oaks.
40:10LAUGHTER
40:12Tim, could they have done any better?
40:14I don't think so.
40:15LAUGHTER
40:18I meant more, was it possible not there?
40:21LAUGHTER
40:22It's very possible, there's loads.
40:24LAUGHTER
40:27I've got anorak.
40:29Very good.
40:30Anorak's good.
40:31Yeah.
40:32Inuit word, that's very good.
40:33OK, six points to Jon's team there.
40:35APPLAUSE
40:37But we're still winning, right?
40:39OK, so Jon and Rob have 30, Lee and Rob have 31.
40:44There's only one point in it as we go into our final game.
40:47Jon and Rob, pick your numbers.
40:49One bigun, two biguns, one bigun, two biguns, one bigun,
40:52two biguns, one bigun. I'm going to keep saying it.
40:54OK.
40:55One bigun, two bigun, three bigun, four bigun, one bigun.
40:57Scott.
40:58One bigun.
40:59One bigun.
41:00Five littluns.
41:01Do you want me to do this?
41:02Yeah, yeah, I'm on my break anyway, so I'll just...
41:04LAUGHTER
41:06We'll have two big ones this time.
41:08Let's have two big ones this time, can we?
41:10Two big ones? Yeah, you can change mine.
41:12Maybe instead of one of the little ones.
41:14This is like being with Jimmy Savile at a pick and miss.
41:16LAUGHTER
41:18LAUGHTER
41:24We've got seven, three, six...
41:29..100, two and 25.
41:32The target, 801.
41:34OK, good luck, everyone.
41:48LAUGHTER
42:07APPLAUSE
42:11What have you got?
42:13I've got 801.
42:15801? Yeah.
42:17Good considering.
42:19Lee, what have you got?
42:21I've got 801.
42:23OK. Jon?
42:25I've got 800.
42:27I haven't got 801.
42:29LAUGHTER
42:31I have.
42:33I've got 803.
42:35Raj, what have you got?
42:37Well, I haven't used everything, but I've got nine.
42:39LAUGHTER
42:43OK, well, talk me through your nine.
42:45Six and three.
42:47LAUGHTER
42:49Is that what you've genuinely got?
42:51Yeah, I could have used the seven and the two, but I thought,
42:53I've got it, why waste time?
42:55LAUGHTER
42:57Lee, how did you get 801?
42:59Right, I want you to add the 100 and the two together.
43:02100 and the two, 102.
43:05Now, mine is 25.
43:07Mine is 25, it's 77.
43:09Right, now add the six.
43:11Now add the six, 83.
43:13I'm going to send that number to Jimmy Carr's account
43:15and he'll just make it up.
43:17LAUGHTER
43:19APPLAUSE
43:29I think you'll find the number will be significantly lower than that.
43:33I haven't got it.
43:35To be fair, if I hadn't have done the joke,
43:37I could have added six and two and times it by 100, couldn't I?
43:39You could have done that, mate.
43:41LAUGHTER
43:43APPLAUSE
43:47Jon, how did you get 800?
43:49I did six plus two is eight.
43:51Six plus two is eight.
43:53Times by 100.
43:55Yep, one away, 800.
43:57Do you want 801?
43:59Yeah.
44:01Seven minus three.
44:03Seven minus three is four.
44:05Times two.
44:07Times two, yeah, can you get it?
44:09Plus 26.
44:11LAUGHTER
44:13Minus the 25.
44:15LAUGHTER
44:17Where's the 26?
44:19In the middle there.
44:21LAUGHTER
44:23APPLAUSE
44:29Could they have got 801?
44:31Yeah, do you want to see how?
44:33Yeah, go on.
44:35If you say 100 minus three, 97.
44:37OK, they're for 776,
44:39and I've got the 25, 801.
44:41APPLAUSE
44:47Thank you, Jo.
44:49OK, so, Jon, you've got seven points there for being one away.
44:51That means Lee's now got 31,
44:53Jon's got 37, he's in the lead.
44:55APPLAUSE
44:59It's all to play for as we go into our final round.
45:02OK, fingers on buzzers for today's crucial countdown conundrum.
45:07LAUGHTER
45:09Have you got it? Got it.
45:11What is it? Stopwatch.
45:13APPLAUSE
45:15Let's have a look.
45:17CHEERING
45:21He didn't even know he was looking at the stopwatch.
45:23Who would have thought that,
45:25knowing that the Welsh word for stopwatch is twat-chops...
45:27LAUGHTER
45:29One second in...
45:31Yeah, less than that, probably.
45:33I haven't seen it in a while.
45:35I haven't seen it in two places since I got Steddings.
45:37LAUGHTER
45:39I was just looking at it going,
45:41I might have lamb chops for dinner.
45:43LAUGHTER
45:45I suppose if you've spent your life being called twat-chops,
45:47you've started working out games for food.
45:49LAUGHTER
45:51OK, so the final scores are,
45:53Lee and Rob have 31 points,
45:55Jon and Rod are the winners with 47.
45:57CHEERING
46:01Congratulations, gentlemen.
46:03Here's one or two cards.
46:07Thank you all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
46:09and to all of you watching at home,
46:11that's it from us, goodnight.
46:13CHEERING
46:17Same time, same place next week
46:19for another episode of 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
46:21Tomorrow night on 4,
46:23more disorganised chaos
46:25when Russell Brand takes the form of Aldous Snow.
46:27Get Him To The Greek is on at half nine.
46:29Next tonight, though,
46:31live music, guests galore
46:33and an oversized cloche full of refreshments.
46:35Alan Carr Chattyman is on the way.
46:37APPLAUSE