First broadcast 28th February 2014.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
John Pohlhammer
Kevin Bridges
James Corden
Peter Serafinowicz
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
John Pohlhammer
Kevin Bridges
James Corden
Peter Serafinowicz
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:31Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
00:35Jon Richardson, Sean Locke,
00:39James Corden, Kevin Bridges,
00:43Peter Serafinowicz, Susie Dent,
00:47and Rachel Riley.
00:49Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:58And welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:01a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:03Did you know, for example, some words only exist in plural form?
01:07For example, binoculars, scissors, trousers, jeans, pants and Jedwood.
01:12Singlish is the nickname for the variety of English spoken in Singapore.
01:18Singlish is also my response if my girlfriend's away
01:21and an attractive woman asks me, are you single? Singlish.
01:25And a professor at the University of Houston
01:28said it would take 31,688 years to count to one trillion.
01:32So to do it, you'd need to love maths and be over 31,000 years old.
01:36Sounds like a job for Vorderman.
01:40Right, let's get started.
01:50OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up is Jon Richardson.
01:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:58Jon phones his mum every single day.
02:00Keep on trying, Jon. One of these days, she's bound to pick up.
02:04Do you know when you have people round for dinner,
02:06is this how you introduce them?
02:08Joining me tonight is my friend Steve, who's got a small dick.
02:13And joining Jon tonight, it's Kevin Bridges.
02:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:21Kevin has recently bought a riverboat in Glasgow,
02:23or as we call it in England, a shopping trolley.
02:25LAUGHTER
02:28I'll take that, sorry.
02:30And against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.
02:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:37Sean's face will be familiar to you if you're a regular viewer of 10 Cats
02:41or if you work at the RSPCA Complaints Division.
02:44LAUGHTER
02:49And Sean's team-mate, it's James Gordon.
02:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:56It says on James' Wikipedia page that he's a rubbish actor
02:59and he's never won a BAFTA.
03:01And that's because professional jealousy got the better of me
03:03and I changed it.
03:04LAUGHTER
03:06James, you played with Jon last week.
03:08Are you intimidated playing against him?
03:10I am a bit. He shot me with his tactical noose.
03:14And...
03:16His tactical what, sorry?
03:18His tactical noose.
03:21But Sean's team won last week.
03:24So, going to lose this week.
03:27LAUGHTER
03:29Are you going to play it differently, do you think?
03:31Because last week I noticed on one of the games
03:33you didn't play at all because you forgot to.
03:35LAUGHTER
03:36I hope that this week I can commit something to paper
03:40that's an actual word.
03:42LAUGHTER
03:43Have you got a mascot with you this evening?
03:45I do. I've brought this guy.
03:47There he is.
03:49And he's going to bring me a lot of luck, I think.
03:52What is that?
03:53He's a sponge. A sponge.
03:55So, it's great.
03:58LAUGHTER
04:00Especially for the bath time gag of, I've got crabs.
04:04LAUGHTER
04:06Not always a joke.
04:08LAUGHTER
04:10Sean, last week you beat Jon with a conundrum with one second to go.
04:13In terms of tension, that was incredible.
04:15Yeah, it was incredible.
04:17It was an incredible feeling to be there at that time.
04:20And what was going through my mind
04:22as the clock was ticking down towards the conundrum was,
04:25wow, this is a really big moment, Sean.
04:28LAUGHTER
04:30And all I did was I just looked at all the letters
04:32and tried to make the word that was there...
04:35LAUGHTER
04:37..come to life for me to say it.
04:39And that's really what happened, Jimmy.
04:42Have you got a mascot this evening?
04:44Yes, I do, Jimmy.
04:45What have you got?
04:46I've got my very lucky panda's ear.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:52And it's the only part of a panda that you can't eat.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:57I thought, the panda's ear might get a laugh.
05:00Might not get a big laugh.
05:02LAUGHTER
05:04You really surprised me with nothing, though.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:08I think we should put it away. You can ask me the question again.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:13Have you got a mascot?
05:14No.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:18Kevin, you were on Jon's team last time.
05:20Yes.
05:21Do you think you make a good team?
05:23I think the record speaks for itself.
05:25Jon has never lost when I've been on his team.
05:28We have played one and won one.
05:30Jon's done a great thing.
05:32It's just experience shines through from the man.
05:34He writes at the 75 times table.
05:36So for the rumbles game...
05:38I think that's cheating.
05:39I don't think it's cheating.
05:40It's definitely cheating.
05:41You didn't think it was cheating last week,
05:43when you broke at my 75 times table?
05:45LAUGHTER
05:46You're pretty sure it's cheating now, Ginny.
05:49Seriously, Ginny, you're not allowed to have
05:51the 75 times table printed down.
05:53They don't do that on Countdown, do they?
05:55Are they allowed to do that?
05:56That's the tips I've been giving the guys when they come on,
05:58just to write it down.
05:59Oh, this is like professional wrestling.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02This is bullshit.
06:03LAUGHTER
06:05Do you know what I'll do?
06:06I'll leave the times table there,
06:08but if a 75 comes out, I won't use it.
06:10LAUGHTER
06:12I'll tell you what, give it to me.
06:14Give it to me.
06:15And if 75 comes up, I'll give it to you.
06:19LAUGHTER
06:21I don't trust you to even know a round is happening,
06:23given last week.
06:25OK.
06:26Kevin, apparently you're learning Spanish.
06:28SÃ.
06:29Un...
06:30Yeah, I'd say that, if not...
06:31LAUGHTER
06:32Wow, are you really?
06:33I mean...
06:34Wow.
06:35That means yes.
06:36Can you give us a couple of phrases?
06:38No.
06:39No sé por qué pero me gusta.
06:41Well, you've really nailed the accent, haven't you?
06:43LAUGHTER
06:45It means I don't know why I like it.
06:47I actually learn Spanish in a fetish club.
06:49LAUGHTER
06:52I like to get gaffer taped to a bed
06:54and Rosetta Stonedusks put in my ears.
06:56LAUGHTER
06:58Have you got a mascot?
06:59Yes, I've got a mascot.
07:01I always forget I've got this.
07:02It's a bookie's pen.
07:04LAUGHTER
07:05I was a bit too early for my train this morning
07:08and I really needed the toilet,
07:10but it's quite expensive to use the toilet in a train station.
07:13It's 30 pence and I had a 50-pence coin
07:15and there was a bookie's there,
07:16so I went to the bookies to ask if I could use the toilet
07:19and they said it's for customers only,
07:21so I was going to say to the guy,
07:22I bet you I'm going to piss my pants, mate.
07:24LAUGHTER
07:26I was putting 50p on a horse and it won.
07:28This was the pen that wrote the name of the horse on,
07:30so I'm hoping it can...
07:32I don't need your countdown pens, I've got my own stationery.
07:35LAUGHTER
07:38I've also got a shuttlecock that I found backstage,
07:41so you never know when a game of badminton's going to break up.
07:44LAUGHTER
07:46OK, Jon, what's the ideal quality you look for in a team-mate?
07:50Er, black polo shirt,
07:53Er, Glaswegian accent,
07:55bookie's pen and a shuttlecock.
07:57LAUGHTER
07:59Have you got a mascot this evening, Jon?
08:01Yes, I'm launching my new character
08:04to get children into numbers.
08:06It's a brand new idea I've had.
08:08This is my new character.
08:11This is Countdown.
08:13LAUGHTER
08:16He's here to help children learn how to count.
08:19Sorry, are you talking or him now?
08:21Cos he's just mouthing weirdly.
08:23He's just, he's got a problem with his jaw, hasn't he?
08:27Is he really good with numbers?
08:29You'll have to ask Countdown, won't you?
08:31Hey, Countdown. Yes?
08:34What's 15 x 75?
08:38Too late, 1125.
08:41It's not a race.
08:43LAUGHTER
08:47Nice to meet you, Countdown. Hello.
08:50Oh, he doesn't like you?
08:54Ooh.
08:59I'm just amazed at your manual dexterity there.
09:01You can move it entirely out of sync with what you say.
09:04It can't be easy.
09:06Fuck off!
09:08Ladies and gentlemen, our teams.
09:10APPLAUSE
09:15Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Peter Serafinowicz.
09:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:23A poll recently voted Peter Serafinowicz Britain's funniest comedian,
09:27and that poll was his nan, Mrs Serafinowicz.
09:31Peter, are you a fan of word games?
09:33Well, to be honest, Jimmy,
09:36I don't think that's any of your business.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:47Apologies, Peter.
09:51Sorry if I crossed the line there.
09:55Any words you're hoping will come up tonight?
09:59Abdicates.
10:05And with Peter...
10:08And with Peter is, of course, Susie Dent.
10:10APPLAUSE
10:17Susie, is there a word you'd like to take out of the dictionary?
10:20Yeah, where do I start?
10:22Phlegm, crotch, moist, gusset.
10:25Phlegm, crotch, moist gusset. Hang on.
10:28They're all good, aren't they?
10:30Yeah, hang on. Take them out. I want nothing to text no-one.
10:38And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
10:45Rachel obtained A levels in maths and further maths.
10:48The one kid that did that at my school was a victim of bullying
10:51and further bullying.
10:53Rachel, have you got any tricks of the trade for the numbers game?
10:56There are loads, actually.
10:57I go into schools and play games with kids and teach them.
11:00My favourite one is if you add up the digits of any number
11:03and then that number's divisible by nine,
11:05then the first number's divisible by nine.
11:07That's a good one. Hang on, you've got to say that slowly.
11:10Go on, acute.
11:11You add up the digits of any number... Right.
11:13..and then you get that number.
11:15If that number's divisible by nine, then the first number is.
11:18Oh, I shouldn't have come back, should I?
11:21The game hasn't even started.
11:23The game hasn't started and I'm out of my bed.
11:28OK, the prize the teams are competing for this evening is this.
11:31It's the Countdown talking alarm clock.
11:37I'll demonstrate. You could wake up to this.
11:39Wake up, Countdown fans, you've survived another night.
11:49OK, let's Countdown, everyone. Time for the first game.
11:51James, you get the first pick of the letters.
11:53OK, OK, let's get this out.
11:59What's that?
12:01I find that the music, the Countdown music,
12:05I find it very difficult to concentrate to.
12:07It actually puts me off.
12:09And I've got music at home, which is exactly 30 seconds long,
12:12which I find very easy to concentrate to,
12:15so if you don't mind, I'd like to listen to that.
12:17No problem at all.
12:18That's well within the rules.
12:20OK, do you want to pick the letters?
12:22Do you want to pick the letters, James?
12:24Yeah, I might as well contribute something to the team.
12:27I'll take a... We'll take a vowel, please.
12:30O
12:31I'll take another vowel, please.
12:33A
12:34A consonant.
12:36N
12:37A consonant.
12:39Z
12:41A vowel.
12:43U
12:44A consonant.
12:46H
12:47A vowel.
12:49N
12:50O
12:51And Zuul.
12:55A consonant.
12:57G
12:58And A, another consonant.
13:01And the last one.
13:03T
13:04And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
13:09LAUGHTER
13:19LAUGHTER
13:38APPLAUSE
13:44Sean, couple of questions.
13:45That's a piece of music you just happen to have at home?
13:48Well, it's what I'm working, that's what I listen to.
13:50So you just work in 30-second bursts?
13:55Your mind just really just closes in and focuses on what it's going to do.
14:00This bit, I always find, I write some of my best stuff.
14:04Let's go on now.
14:11Just floods home, isn't it?
14:12Yeah.
14:13I hope he doesn't put anyone off.
14:15LAUGHTER
14:23Sean.
14:24How many letters?
14:26Seven.
14:27Seven, OK. James?
14:28I got a four.
14:30Four? OK, Jon?
14:32Six.
14:34Kevin?
14:35I got a six and then I realised there was a letter missing,
14:38so I just changed it to a wrestler and I went for five.
14:41Hulkamania is running wild this evening, Jimmy.
14:43I've got Hogan.
14:45LAUGHTER
14:47You've got Hogan?
14:48All right, so is Hogan a word?
14:50Yeah, the definition is when it comes crashing down and it hops inside.
14:54LAUGHTER
14:56APPLAUSE
15:02Hogan's in the dictionary.
15:04It's a traditional Indian hut of logs and earth.
15:07Obviously, I was joking with the wrestling stuff.
15:11OK, James?
15:12Tons.
15:14Tons.
15:15With a Z.
15:16LAUGHTER
15:18Tons with a Z.
15:20Well, we'll just double-check.
15:22I don't think so.
15:23Oh, this dictionary's got it in for me big time.
15:26LAUGHTER
15:28Er, no.
15:29Jon, your six?
15:30It's actually my friend's favourite word because he's countdown
15:34and if you count down to the very end, you get to...
15:37Nought!
15:39LAUGHTER
15:42It's fun, Lucy!
15:44LAUGHTER
15:45Nought.
15:46Nought.
15:47As in fuck all.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:51Sean, your seven?
15:52I had nought, but I went all out for fazoon.
15:56LAUGHTER
15:59Fazoon.
16:00Which is the end of a tropical storm.
16:03LAUGHTER
16:05Yeah, you just get a mist. You get a mist.
16:07Across the... And it's a fazoon.
16:09Yeah, and particularly, it tends to dwell under the fronds of palm trees
16:14on the island shores.
16:16You get a fazoon.
16:17You get a fazoon.
16:18It's like a sort of warm mist.
16:20Yes.
16:21A fazoon.
16:22In the Federated States of Micronesia.
16:24Yes.
16:25Beautiful fazoon this morning.
16:27LAUGHTER
16:28So, I think we win that one, Jimmy.
16:30Yeah.
16:31Let's move on.
16:32OK.
16:33LAUGHTER
16:59APPLAUSE
17:04I just actually had a dance called the fazoonga.
17:07LAUGHTER
17:08It's a G in the...
17:10That's not...
17:11Fazoonga.
17:12LAUGHTER
17:13It's funny, but it's not a word.
17:16LAUGHTER
17:17OK.
17:18Susie, what could they have got?
17:20I had new girl for six.
17:22I got a nine.
17:24There's a nine-letter word there.
17:26Nine-letter word.
17:27Abdicates.
17:28LAUGHTER
17:29Abdicates.
17:30LAUGHTER
17:32Abdicates.
17:33LAUGHTER
17:35OK.
17:36OK, so at the end of that, Jon has six points.
17:39APPLAUSE
17:43On to our first numbers round.
17:44Jon and Kevin, your turn to pick the numbers.
17:46One and five.
17:47One from the top, five from the bottom.
17:49Please.
17:50One from the top, five from the bottom.
17:52Calming up.
17:53You look so right with a bookie's pen in your hand.
17:55I feel like I'm studying the form here.
17:57LAUGHTER
17:58You've got one.
17:59Ooh.
18:00Three.
18:01Times three is nine.
18:02Get some sums written down.
18:03I only got four.
18:04Three times five is 15.
18:05Seven.
18:06Five times seven is 35.
18:07And your favourite six is five.
18:08Yes!
18:09LAUGHTER
18:10And the target's 769.
18:12And your time starts now.
18:22LAUGHTER
18:32LAUGHTER
18:45APPLAUSE
18:50OK, James, what have you got?
18:52I've come in with a very solid 525.
18:54LAUGHTER
18:56LAUGHTER
19:01525.
19:02Well, let's see if anyone got any closer than that.
19:04Sean?
19:05766.
19:06766, OK.
19:08Jon?
19:09Well, I'm a man of my word and I pledge not to use the 75,
19:12so I've got 201.
19:14LAUGHTER
19:19OK, Kevin, what have you got?
19:21I get 770, Jamie.
19:22770, OK.
19:23How did you do it, Kevin?
19:257 plus 3 is 10.
19:277 plus 3 is 10.
19:28That is inarguable.
19:30That's in the bag.
19:31Always has been, always will be.
19:33LAUGHTER
19:34Times 75.
19:35Ah, times 75.
19:37750.
19:38750.
19:393 plus 1 is 4.
19:40And the other 3 plus 1, 4.
19:42And then, I'd done something else, but...
19:44LAUGHTER
19:46Times 5 again.
19:47Yeah, 770, well done.
19:49That's seven points to you, Kevin.
19:51APPLAUSE
19:55Rachel, could they have done it?
19:57Yeah, if you start the same way, 7 plus 3 is 10.
20:00And then 5 minus the other 3 is 2.
20:04Add to the 75, 77.
20:06Times them together, 770, and take away the 1.
20:09Nice.
20:10APPLAUSE
20:13OK, the scores at the moment, Sean and James have no points,
20:16Jon and Kevin have 13.
20:18And here is your teaser.
20:19The words are LOCK BUNS, and the clue is, rub it all over.
20:23It's LOCK BUNS, rub it all over.
20:25See you after the break.
20:26APPLAUSE
20:28Welcome back.
20:29The answer to the teaser, the words were LOCK BUNS,
20:31and the clue was, rub it all over.
20:33It was, of course, SUNBLOCK.
20:35OK, for this round only, it's Sean against Kevin.
20:38Kevin, your turn to choose.
20:40Vowel, please.
20:41A
20:42We'll take another consonant, please.
20:45LAUGHTER
20:47Mind games.
20:49I'm done with that.
20:51ER, I'm going for.
20:53Sean can pick. I'll let you pick one, Sean.
20:56Ooh, it's tough, innit?
20:58LAUGHTER
20:59Vowel, please.
21:00Rachel.
21:01I
21:02Consonant, please, Rachel.
21:04L
21:05A vowel, please.
21:06O
21:07These are good letters.
21:09A consonant.
21:10R
21:11A consonant.
21:12Just the rest in consonants.
21:14X
21:15Are you sure?
21:16K
21:17I'll put a vowel in there.
21:18LAUGHTER
21:19And another E.
21:21OK, and your time starts now.
21:23CLOCK TICKS
21:34LAUGHTER
21:46LAUGHTER
21:51LAUGHTER
21:58Er...
22:00Kevin?
22:01Kevin, what have you got?
22:03LAUGHTER
22:05APPLAUSE
22:12Sean?
22:15Shit!
22:16LAUGHTER
22:21LAUGHTER
22:34Rachel?
22:35Yeah?
22:36Can you let us out?
22:37LAUGHTER
22:3830 seconds is a long time, isn't it?
22:40It's just tougher than it looks, is all I'd say.
22:43LAUGHTER
22:44Ta-da!
22:45LAUGHTER
22:48APPLAUSE
22:54OK.
22:55Kevin, how many did you get?
22:57Seven.
22:58Jimmy?
22:59OK, Sean?
23:00I've got a terrific four.
23:02OK, well, let's hear your four.
23:04Er...
23:05Law.
23:06L-O-R-E.
23:07L-O-R-E, Law.
23:08OK, Kevin, what have you got?
23:10Ex-liker.
23:12LAUGHTER
23:13Like somebody who used to like you.
23:15LAUGHTER
23:18I think if it was in, it would be hyphenated,
23:20but I don't think it's in. Sorry, Kevin.
23:22Four points to Sean there.
23:24APPLAUSE
23:30Susie, Peter, could they have done any better?
23:32Well, we think we may have a nine.
23:35Er, can we...
23:37LAUGHTER
23:39Yeah.
23:40Abdicates.
23:42LAUGHTER
23:44OK, so at the end of that, Sean and James have four points,
23:47Jon and Kevin have 13.
23:49APPLAUSE
23:53Right, now time for Jon and James to go head-to-head.
23:56Oh, for...
23:57LAUGHTER
23:58James, your turn to pick the numbers.
24:00Er, I would like the...
24:02Two from the top, two from the top.
24:04These two?
24:05Yeah.
24:06And the one on the bottom corner closest to me.
24:09Yeah.
24:10Yeah.
24:11The one two along from it.
24:13This one?
24:14That's right.
24:15The one above that.
24:17How many more have I got?
24:18One more.
24:19Go to the second row.
24:20Yeah.
24:21And the fourth one in.
24:22Big time. Second row, fourth one in.
24:24Fourth one in, next one.
24:25That's it, now we've got it.
24:27Your specially selected numbers are eight, four, three,
24:32another eight, and the large ones 25 and 75.
24:35Shit.
24:36LAUGHTER
24:38Your target, 587.
24:40OK, so Jon versus James, your time starts now.
24:43587.
24:45Shit.
24:46See what I mean? I get freaked out by this now.
24:48I can't... Can we have your music on?
24:50Eight plus four is 75.
24:52600.
24:53Yeah.
24:54OK, that's one of your eights.
24:55You've just got to take off 13.
24:57So how do you get 13?
24:59Eight plus four is 12.
25:01Take that off.
25:02Take that...
25:03Take that off.
25:04600.
25:0512 plus 12 makes 600.
25:06Ah, it depends on the lights.
25:08LAUGHTER
25:14So the target was 587. Jon, did you get it?
25:17I think I've got 588.
25:19James?
25:20Yeah, 588.
25:21OK, let's hear how you did it, Jon.
25:24No, I'll tell you what, much more fun.
25:26James?
25:27LAUGHTER
25:28How did you do it?
25:29I did eight times 75, which...
25:32Eight times 75 is 600.
25:34600.
25:35And then eight plus four...
25:37The other eight plus four is 12.
25:39And then take that off the 600.
25:41Yep.
25:42588, one away.
25:43Yeah.
25:44APPLAUSE
25:50You did it.
25:51Well...
25:52You did it all yourself.
25:53LAUGHTER
25:54You did a lovely picture earlier.
25:56That was a lovely picture of the boat.
25:58LAUGHTER
25:59Thanks, Sean, I appreciate that.
26:00You did that all on your own.
26:01Thanks, mate.
26:02And you do your shoes up now, it's great.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:05Jon, how did you do it?
26:06Well, obviously, we're not allowed to use the 75.
26:09What I did is three times 25 is 75.
26:12LAUGHTER
26:23He's for kids, you say?
26:25LAUGHTER
26:26And then I just did it like they did it.
26:29OK.
26:30Ooh!
26:31Well, seven points each.
26:33APPLAUSE
26:36Rachel, could it be done?
26:38Yes, you could have got to this stage and then said
26:4125 minus 12 is 13 and taken that off instead.
26:45APPLAUSE
26:47OK, the scores at the moment, Sean and James are on 11,
26:50Jon and Kevin are on 20.
26:52Here is your teaser.
26:53The words are GIMP TENT and the clue is HARD TO RESIST.
26:57That's GIMP TENT, HARD TO RESIST.
26:59See you after the break.
27:02APPLAUSE
27:03Welcome back.
27:04The answer to the teaser, the words were GIMP TENT
27:07and the clue was HARD TO RESIST.
27:09It was, of course, TEMPTING.
27:11OK, before we move on, please welcome Joe Wilkinson.
27:14APPLAUSE
27:15No. No.
27:17No.
27:18No, no.
27:19This is...
27:20This is bullshit.
27:22LAUGHTER
27:23Are you all right, Joe?
27:25No, it's bullshit.
27:26LAUGHTER
27:27You had to take a Yanird.
27:29What?
27:30I'm tired.
27:31I've tired you so many times.
27:33I know, it's bullshit, love. I'm as angry as you are.
27:36LAUGHTER
27:41I'm brilliant at this shit.
27:44I'm brilliant at the numbers and the...
27:47What's the other...?
27:49The letters.
27:50The letters, the letters.
27:52Susie and Rachel have put in a complaint, apparently.
27:55Said I was distracted.
27:56It's not my fault I've got a cracking body!
28:00And this Aruba go-round will be stealing from the set,
28:03which is bullshit, which is total...
28:05LAUGHTER
28:15All right, I've stolen a couple of things,
28:17but it's not worth firing me.
28:19I still don't understand why you're wearing cricket pads.
28:23It's what I wear when I'm not working.
28:27It's very fashionable.
28:28Could you not re-smash it?
28:32This is my last day.
28:33I've done the traditional thing and I've found a cop in my arse.
28:45If you look closely,
28:46you can see I've actually got a couple of tattoos on me cheeks.
28:50On the left one I've got a tattoo of Rachel ordering a lasagne.
28:57On the right one I've got Susie shouting her two favourite Nineta words,
29:02which are gumshield and bollocks.
29:06She spells bollocks with two S's.
29:08What a weird woman.
29:10So, yeah, let's just do it, then, shall we?
29:12Let's get on with it.
29:13Last day, fuck it.
29:15Let's play...
29:18...candy!
29:22OK, on with the game.
29:24Sean and James, your turn to choose the letters.
29:26OK.
29:28A vowel, please.
29:29You'll have to do it yourself, I've got an empty desk.
29:34I can take them here.
29:39A
29:40Another vowel, please.
29:42O
29:43Another vowel.
29:47I
29:48Another vowel.
29:52E
29:54Consonant, please.
29:58N
29:59Consonant, please.
30:01G
30:03Consonant, please.
30:06It's weird what you accumulate.
30:09Consonant, please.
30:11F
30:12Another consonant, please.
30:14And the last one.
30:18X
30:19OK, your time starts now.
30:25LAUGHTER
30:51I'm a strong and powerful woman.
30:55I'm a strong and powerful woman.
30:59Sean, how many letters?
31:00Eight.
31:01James?
31:02Six.
31:03Ooh, for James.
31:06Eight.
31:07Kevin?
31:08Seven.
31:09OK, James, what was your six?
31:11Er, signet.
31:13Good, cool, yeah, good for six.
31:18Kevin, what was your seven?
31:20Fasting.
31:21As in to, like, run fast, you're fasting.
31:27Not as good when you expand on it, but...
31:30Jon, you all right?
31:31Er, feasting.
31:33Feasting, ooh.
31:34That's what I got as well.
31:36Excellent.
31:37I've got O feasting, that's Irish for feasting.
31:42I tell you what, Jimmy, I'm just going to pop these in my van.
31:46OK, eight points to both teams.
31:48APPLAUSE
31:51Peter, Susie, could they have done any better?
31:54I've got a nine.
31:58I think it's a word, but I'm not sure how to pronounce it.
32:01Abdicates.
32:03Abdicates.
32:05Yeah.
32:06Yeah?
32:07Yeah.
32:08Nine letters.
32:09Yeah.
32:10APPLAUSE
32:15Anything else, Susie?
32:17Er, if you're not abdicating, you've got tangoing,
32:20so tangos is there for seven.
32:22OK, so at the end of...
32:26What are you drinking there?
32:28Water.
32:32A lovely can of water.
32:33Have you not seen the new water brand?
32:35It's just water. Lovely.
32:42I mean, it's from a canal, so...
32:47You're just rehydrating, are you?
32:49I wouldn't normally with water, but it's so water, I'd say, cheers.
32:58OK, so at the end of that, Sean and James have 19,
33:01Jon and Kevin have 28.
33:09On to another numbers round. OK, Jon and Kevin, you're to pick the numbers.
33:13Anything but 75, really.
33:16I can't be arsed to help.
33:18It's my last day, so I've brought in a board game like you do at school.
33:24Basically, I've brought in the new Countdown board game.
33:30It looks a little bit like Mousetrap.
33:32Yeah, it does look a bit like Mousetrap, but it is different
33:35because our mouse is holding a little calculator.
33:38LAUGHTER
33:41You know, calculators aren't actually allowed on Countdown.
33:48So now it's just Mousetrap.
33:50It's just trap now.
33:54OK, Jon.
33:55One big. One big. One big and five small. OK.
33:59Right, and these numbers are...
34:01Five, ten, two, seven, another two and 50.
34:07And the target, 491.
34:09OK, your time starts now.
34:18LAUGHTER
34:32LAUGHTER
34:42OK, so your target was 491. What did you get?
34:45Sean?
34:46Er, 491.
34:47James?
34:48I think 491.
34:50OK, Jon?
34:51I also think 491.
34:53Kevin?
34:54Erm, I think 491.
34:57A lot of confusion. OK, James, how did you do it?
34:59Five times ten.
35:00Five times ten. OK.
35:02LAUGHTER
35:07Five... Really?
35:09Five times ten.
35:11It's 50.
35:15I'm not saying...
35:17OK.
35:18He did a lovely painting of...
35:22..a boat and there were seagulls.
35:26OK, I've fucked up.
35:27LAUGHTER
35:30Yeah, no.
35:31Well, was it 50 times ten? What did you do?
35:33That's what I meant. No, that's what you meant.
35:35Yeah, 50 times ten is 500.
35:37Minus seven, minus two.
35:38Yeah, lovely, well done.
35:40APPLAUSE
35:44Do you do it the same way, yeah?
35:46I was trying to go for, like, a trick shot.
35:48LAUGHTER
35:50Five plus two is seven, times seven's 49.
35:53Times ten's 490.
35:55And I just don't know how to get that one.
35:57Can 50 divide by itself, maybe?
35:59If you cut the zero in half,
36:01stretch it out, bend it, you've got a one.
36:03LAUGHTER
36:06How's with a trick shot, Rachel?
36:08Got another way of doing it.
36:10Somebody looked really, whoa, how did she get that?
36:13You could have done 50 times five.
36:15Whoa, how did she get that?
36:16That's how I feel when I sit with Joe Wilkinson over there.
36:19He's landed on her feet, mate.
36:21LAUGHTER
36:24You could have done that one.
36:26If you want to use all the numbers.
36:28Well, that's the one I had, that's how I got it.
36:31OK. John, Sean?
36:33Same, really.
36:34Ten times 50 is 500.
36:37Two times five is ten, minus two.
36:39Is eight.
36:40Yeah, got it wrong.
36:42LAUGHTER
36:44APPLAUSE
36:50And, John, did you get it?
36:52We did it the same way, Jimmy.
36:54Did you? I want to hear it from him.
36:56I can't remember what voice he has.
36:58LAUGHTER
37:00We did it the same way.
37:03He does sound different.
37:05Does he? Do I?
37:07LAUGHTER
37:09It's harder than it looks, this ventriloquism.
37:12OK, ten points to both teams there.
37:14APPLAUSE
37:16Congratulations.
37:20The scores at the moment, Sean and James have 29,
37:23John and Kevin have 38.
37:27Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
37:29Peter, what have you got for us?
37:31Well, when I agreed to be on the show,
37:33they said I could read something, read something from a book,
37:37you know, as long as it had some kind of literary merit.
37:40You know, it's a show about words and everything.
37:43So I thought I'd read an extract from the Morrissey Autobiography,
37:49just because I'm a fan and, you know, it's just really...
37:54It's really interesting and it's extremely well written.
37:58So here's my take on the Morrissey Autobiography.
38:05LAUGHTER
38:14I think the genius of the show is that it did exactly what it said on the tin.
38:21Men behaving badly.
38:24It was about two men whose behaviour was,
38:27well, let's just say it left a lot to be desired.
38:33I remember those days very fondly.
38:36It was really good fun. In fact, it was brilliant.
38:40Sitting on the sofa, watching porn on the telly,
38:44having a couple of beers, talking about wanking,
38:47trying to cop off with Leslie Ash.
38:49And then the car would pick us up to take us to the studio
38:52and we'd have to film the show.
38:55I don't really keep in touch with Clumsy anymore,
38:58but he's off being all successful and everything.
39:01He was brilliant in Gravity.
39:04He looks very handsome these days.
39:08I think he might have had his ears dug.
39:11Good on you, Clumsy.
39:15A pretty sound one, Edwin.
39:21And here is your final teaser.
39:23The words are KEVDROOP
39:25and the clue is, poke a stick at it and see what happens.
39:28It's KEVDROOP.
39:30Poke a stick at it, see what happens.
39:32See you after the break.
39:35Welcome back. The answer to the teaser.
39:37The words were KEVDROOP
39:39and the clue was, poke a stick at it and see what happens.
39:42It was, of course, PROVOKED.
39:44OK, time for our final letters game.
39:46Jon and Kevin, your turn to choose.
39:49His countdown's all right.
39:51He's very tired now.
39:53It's very late for him.
39:55Shall we count down to bedtime?
39:58Five, four, three, two, one.
40:00Okey-dokey.
40:03It makes your hands sweaty.
40:05You do this, mate. I trust you implicitly.
40:08A consonant, then.
40:10R
40:12Vowel.
40:15U
40:16And now a consonant.
40:18D
40:20Oh!
40:22Oh, that noise means, Kevin,
40:25you've won this week's mystery prize!
40:33This week's mystery prize is...
40:36..a crystal ball reading!
40:41Right.
41:03Can't smoke in here, mate.
41:07Oh, it's coming through, Kevin.
41:09Yep, it's getting clearer.
41:13It says...
41:17..you've left your hallway light on.
41:20I'm sure I could be any more help.
41:22Let's play Countdown!
41:24LAUGHTER
41:26APPLAUSE
41:32We'll have another vowel, please.
41:36V
41:38And a consonant, please.
41:40N
41:42And another vowel, please.
41:44O
41:45And a consonant, please.
41:47F
41:48And another consonant, please.
41:50V
41:51And a vowel, please.
41:53And a consonant.
41:55A
41:56OK, your time starts now.
41:58LAUGHTER
42:23LAUGHTER
42:28How many have you got, Sean?
42:30Six.
42:31James?
42:32Five.
42:33Jon?
42:34Maybe a seven.
42:35Ooh, Kevin?
42:36Erm, it's complicated to say at this point.
42:39I'm in a rush here, I don't want to...
42:41Could you put a number on it, do you think?
42:43No, well, I got Venus,
42:45and then I spent the rest of the time trying to find Serena.
42:48LAUGHTER
42:50So I thought it'd be quite good to get Venus and Serena.
42:52So I just went for Suave.
42:54LAUGHTER
42:55James, your five?
42:56Drove.
42:57Drove. OK, Sean, your six?
42:59Droves.
43:00Oh!
43:01LAUGHTER
43:08Useless!
43:09LAUGHTER
43:12OK, Jon, your seven?
43:14I don't know if I spelt this right.
43:16Asunder.
43:17Yeah? How did you spell it?
43:19However you thought I spelt it.
43:21LAUGHTER
43:23A-S-U-N-D-E-R.
43:25Brilliant, very good.
43:27APPLAUSE
43:33Seven points there to Jon.
43:35Peter, Susie, could they have done any better?
43:37Well, we got a couple of sevens,
43:39Resound, Devourers, Sounder,
43:42and an eight, Abdicate.
43:44LAUGHTER
43:46Hang on, no, no, no. Abdicates.
43:48Abdicates, nine.
43:51Abdicates.
43:52OK, so Sean and James have 29,
43:54Jon and Kevin have 45.
43:56Fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
44:01LAUGHTER
44:15BELL
44:17James?
44:18Subjugate.
44:19Well, no-one was expecting that.
44:21APPLAUSE
44:25Oh!
44:34Look at his little face, he's thrilled.
44:37No-one was expecting...
44:38We're good with the numbers, Jimmy,
44:40but when it comes to subjugate...
44:42LAUGHTER
44:44Yeah, I think that calls for it.
44:46Oh!
44:49APPLAUSE
44:55OK!
44:57LAUGHTER
44:59Oh!
45:16LAUGHTER
45:21So the final scores are Sean and James have a very creditable 39,
45:24but tonight's winners, with 45, are Jon and Kevin!
45:27APPLAUSE
45:31Congratulations, you're now the proud owners of this Countdown Alarm Clock.
45:35Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
45:38and to all of you watching at home, that's it from us, goodnight!
45:41APPLAUSE
45:449 o'clock next Friday, our Goggleboxers are back.
45:48Watch them watching what the nation's been watching,
45:51and talking about it, Simply Brilliant TV.
45:54Something else that's frankly rather fabulous, The Last Leg.
45:57That's next, with James Corden joining the regulars.
46:00He's a busy boy tonight.
46:02APPLAUSE