First broadcast 17th January 2014.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
John Pohlhammer
Kathy Burke
Josh Widdicombe
Dara O'Briain
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
John Pohlhammer
Kathy Burke
Josh Widdicombe
Dara O'Briain
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:31Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
00:35Sean Locke, John Richardson,
00:39Kathy Burke, Josh Widdicombe,
00:42Donna O'Brien, Susie Dent,
00:46and Rachel Riley.
00:48Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:58Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:01a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:03Did you know, for example,
01:05the word infinity means something that goes on forever,
01:08like the vastness of space or my girlfriend telling me about her day?
01:11LAUGHTER
01:14The technical term for snapping your fingers is Philip,
01:17so that is a Philip.
01:19And if you snap your fingers while shouting,
01:21Come here, Gunga Din, it's known as a Prince Philip.
01:23LAUGHTER
01:26And the word escalate didn't exist
01:28until the invention of the escalator in 1944,
01:31a bit like the word blubbernaut,
01:33which didn't exist until 1994, when your mum let herself go.
01:36LAUGHTER
01:38Right, let's get started.
01:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:45OK, let's meet tonight's players.
01:47First up is Sean Locke.
01:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:53After a string of defeats in Countdown,
01:55it's time Sean's luck changed, so, fingers crossed,
01:57he somehow magically gets cleverer this evening.
02:00Sean's been performing comedy...
02:02LAUGHTER
02:04Sean's been performing comedy since the early 90s,
02:06back when Jon was just a whiny little kid in embarrassing clothes
02:09who cried at any little thing.
02:11God, can you imagine?
02:13How did I get sucked into that? These are his ones.
02:16There's just so many for you.
02:18Joining Sean tonight, it's Kathy Burke.
02:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:25Kathy famously played Perry,
02:27an immature, childish, prepubescent teenager,
02:30a role since taken on by Josh Widdicombe.
02:32LAUGHTER
02:34These are their ones!
02:36Up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson.
02:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:43Jon once described himself as a perfectionist
02:46who finds failure difficult to handle.
02:48I just wish we'd known that before we partnered him with Josh.
02:51LAUGHTER
02:53These are his ones!
02:56And Jon's team-mate is Josh Widdicombe.
02:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:02Josh is, of course, one of the regulars on The Last Leg
03:05with Adam Hills and Alex Brooker.
03:07In case you're wondering, Josh's disability is he's from Devon.
03:10LAUGHTER
03:12Are you a Countdown fan, Josh?
03:14I... I'm a fan of Countdowns.
03:17LAUGHTER
03:19Space Shuttles, New Year's Eve, the end of a football match,
03:22that kind of situation, so I enjoy the clock element.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:27Although the clock does count up, doesn't it?
03:30It does count up, yeah.
03:32That's a really good point.
03:34LAUGHTER
03:36The whole show is completely flawed,
03:38cos it should be called Count Up.
03:40LAUGHTER
03:42So do you prefer letters or numbers, if you had to pick?
03:45Numbers, but I can read, so I'm, you know...
03:48I can count higher than I can read.
03:51LAUGHTER
03:54APPLAUSE
03:57OK.
03:59Katty, are you a fan of Countdown?
04:02Er, yeah.
04:04LAUGHTER
04:06Come on, you're a better actress than that.
04:08No, I am. I used to watch it in the olden days with Mr Wightley.
04:13And, er, yeah, no, I watch it now and again, yeah.
04:16So are you good on numbers or letters, or...?
04:18No.
04:21No, I'm sort of good at words.
04:23I'm sort of the opposite to Josh.
04:25I'm good at words, but I can't count.
04:28LAUGHTER
04:30Sean, you feeling confident this evening?
04:32Well, there's no point in that, is there?
04:35I've realised that the only thing this show tests is my patience.
04:39LAUGHTER
04:43You know what I'd be much better at
04:45if we did a mixture of eight out of ten cats does 24 hours in A&E?
04:50I'd be quite good at that.
04:54Do you feel like you're getting any better at it?
04:56Is it having any effect on you?
04:58Well, I've finally realised how long 30 seconds is.
05:01But you can't get better at it.
05:03I mean, maybe you could practice it,
05:05but, gosh, what sort of person would do that?
05:08Come on, Josh.
05:10So, Josh, you're friends in real life,
05:12do you think you'd be a good team tonight?
05:14You always say we're friends in real life,
05:16but you just judged us because we're both slightly nerdy.
05:20No, I don't think of you as being slightly nerdy.
05:24I think full-on nerd.
05:26I was listening to the radio the other day,
05:28and, Susie, you were about to do a piece
05:30on how the meaning of the word geek has changed,
05:33which I unfortunately missed,
05:35because I was about to hit a multiple of 10,000 on my myelometer
05:39and I was staring so rigidly at it.
05:43Ironically, I missed what you were about to say about the word geek.
05:46Yeah, it's very cool.
05:48A geek used to be a freak show performer
05:51who used to bite the heads off live chickens.
05:54And then, in the techie days,
05:56it got transferred to, you know, people who were obsessive.
05:59But now it's cool. Geek Chic's in, and I think you're a geek, not a nerd.
06:02Geek, not a nerd? What's a nerd?
06:04I think a nerd is a bit dweeby.
06:06It's more Josh.
06:08Josh, have you got a mascot this evening?
06:10I have. I watched this,
06:12and John once brought out a certificate that he got at school
06:15for being extra special.
06:17And at my school, I didn't get that, but there was a prize down...
06:20Don't just give them out, mate.
06:23At my school, they do, cos everyone had to have a prize
06:26so they'd be best at football or best at science.
06:29And I got the Good Egg Award.
06:34So I've got that to remind me, like, when I'm rubbish,
06:37at least I'm a good egg.
06:40It says college. Isn't college, like, higher education?
06:45No, my secondary school was called South Dartmoor Community College
06:48cos it had a sixth form.
06:50Even so, I mean, mine was primary school, mate.
06:55I would have been 12.
06:58Oh, dear.
07:00I think if John is pitying you, you're in trouble.
07:04Team spirit has gone right down there.
07:07And also, for the record, they've misspelt my surname.
07:11Yeah, but they knew you'd be a good egg about it, didn't they?
07:14Cathy, have you got a mascot?
07:16I did get a certificate at the same age as 12,
07:19but it was a Good Head Award.
07:21A Good Head Award?
07:28I can't talk about that nowadays.
07:31In the 80s, it was fine.
07:35That's mine.
07:38That's a really well-known brand.
07:41Where's that from?
07:43I don't know that one, Saratov.
07:45No. No, it's from the pan shop.
07:52John, have you got a mascot this week?
07:54Well, not so much a mascot,
07:56but I thought you would label Josh and I as nerds.
07:59I thought, if I was organising Josh's stag do,
08:02this is probably what I'd do.
08:04So I thought we'd go full stag on it.
08:06You made a quiche?
08:11People think I'm not fun,
08:13so I've brought in some booze.
08:16This is my...
08:18What is that?
08:19That's conundrum.
08:25Lads, lads, lads, lads, lads.
08:27Lads, lads, lads.
08:32I'm in.
08:33A couple of shot glasses,
08:35and any time we get a nine-letter word,
08:37look out, ladies.
08:41So if you get a nine-letter word, you're going to do a shot of rum?
08:44Oh, yes, mate.
08:46OK, Sean, have you got a mascot?
08:48No, I don't have a mascot.
08:50I've got an amazing trick I'm going to perform.
08:53A feat of prediction.
08:55I'm going to put a word down in this envelope,
08:57and at some point in the show, someone's going to come up with that word.
09:00It's going to come up on that board.
09:02I'm going to give this to Rachel,
09:04and if Rachel will be so kind, she can open the envelope,
09:06and the word that will be up on the board there
09:09will be in this envelope.
09:11Incredible mind trick.
09:12Well, it's that word, yeah. It's predictive power.
09:14And it won't be... It won't necessarily...
09:16Whoop!
09:18APPLAUSE
09:23We don't need to retake that, do we?
09:25I don't think anyone noticed anything.
09:27I think you've styled it out there, Sean. Nice one.
09:30You can see why magicians have a sort of patter
09:33and a way of doing these.
09:35You'd be so... Oh, shit!
09:39Thank you, Rachel.
09:40So when I say, I'll give you the nod,
09:42you open that, and it'll be a...
09:44I'd better look where I'm going.
09:48Right, OK. Over in Dictionary Corner, we've got Dara O'Briain.
09:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:57Dara is a comic mastermind, a maths genius,
10:00Ireland's greatest lover, and can do 200 press-ups in a minute.
10:03He also writes his own introductions.
10:07Do you watch Countdown? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:09I'm terrible at the word games.
10:11Refer the numbers to the words.
10:13I am also a nerd. I am of the nerds. I'm also a geek.
10:16And now, actually, those terms have become so common
10:19that I'm now working on dork.
10:23People who just go...
10:24Who, like, bands are saying they're nerds at this stage.
10:27You know, oh, yeah, I like that band that maybe you haven't heard of.
10:30I'm quite the nerd. No, you're not.
10:32No, I went and I did maths in college.
10:34Can you imagine my love life?
10:36You don't get to hang out at gigs
10:38and then wear a T-shirt with geek across the front of it.
10:41So reclaiming that back again.
10:43I'm looking forward to when pervert becomes cool.
10:50I think it's like, I don't have any order, that pervert.
10:55With Dara this evening, I've got Susie Dent.
11:01Susie's first appearance on Countdown was in 1992
11:03and she's been in 3,000 episodes since.
11:06It's now her lifetime ambition to do something else,
11:08literally anything else.
11:10Seriously, anything, please help her.
11:12Any good Irish words? You've got Dara with you today.
11:15What are we looking at? We're looking at begurra.
11:17Yeah, you looked at begurra and bejesus.
11:22The one thing about bejesus, if you can find bejesus,
11:24no-one in Ireland says either begurra or bejesus.
11:26But there was a...
11:27Bejesus at least has the common use
11:30to beat the bejesus out of somebody.
11:34There's feck in there.
11:36Feck is not like fuck.
11:38Feck has no sexual content.
11:40You can. You can.
11:41I've had a few of those.
11:45What does it say?
11:46It says used.
11:47As a euphemism for fuck, in which it is incorrect.
11:50Can you say it on Irish television?
11:52Yeah, you can, of course.
11:54You wouldn't open the news and... Feck!
12:00You don't feck somebody.
12:01You wouldn't at the end of an Irish evening have a lovely feck.
12:05LAUGHTER
12:09To feck something is to throw it or to propel it.
12:12You'd feck somebody over the wall, you know, if you're...
12:15I've never fecked anything over a wall.
12:20OK.
12:21In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
12:27What's the biggest difference between regular Countdown
12:29and Cats Does Countdown?
12:31Well, people aren't really ashamed to be on here
12:33because before Josh came out, he was really excited backstage
12:36about coming on Countdown.
12:37I'm still excited now. Don't...
12:39Don't act like I'm acting all cool.
12:41Wouldn't you say I'm really excited to Rachel
12:43if you could not point at your dick?
12:45That would just be terrific.
12:49OK, tonight the prize the teams will be competing for is this,
12:52a complete set of Countdown towels.
12:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:00Fancy those, John?
13:02After they've been washed, yeah.
13:06OK, everyone, let's Countdown.
13:08Time for the first game.
13:09John and Josh, you're the first to pick the letters.
13:12I'll have a consonant, please.
13:14Thank you, Josh. Start with R.
13:16Exactly what I ordered on.
13:18And another consonant, please.
13:20S.
13:21Excellent.
13:23A vowel.
13:25O.
13:26Oh.
13:27Yeah.
13:29You all going to write for yourself, Roger?
13:31Spot on, mate, spot on.
13:33Consonant.
13:34P.
13:35Oh.
13:36You can already taste the rum.
13:40A vowel.
13:42E.
13:43Oh.
13:44A vowel.
13:45I.
13:46A consonant.
13:48D.
13:50How many more?
13:51Two.
13:52One each.
13:53Consonant first.
13:54T and the last one. This does look good.
13:56U.
13:57It does look good.
13:58OK, and your time starts now.
14:14LAUGHTER
14:23LAUGHTER
14:36John, what have you got?
14:38Look at me if you're going to talk to me.
14:41All right, how many letters?
14:44I'm going to go for a nine.
14:46A nine, OK. Josh?
14:48I was really pleased with my seven, but now...
14:51Kathy?
14:52Six.
14:53Sean?
14:54Six.
14:55OK, well, let's hit them.
14:57Josh?
14:58Um...
14:59Well, Jimmy...
15:00Um...
15:03Jimmy?
15:06Sorry, Josh.
15:09Get out.
15:18Sorry, Josh, what was that?
15:20Oh, striped.
15:21Striped.
15:22Yeah.
15:23Sean, what have you got?
15:24I just said priest.
15:25Kathy got a seven, but she didn't realise it was a seven.
15:28Cos I can't count.
15:30That's OK, that's the numbers round.
15:32It doesn't matter if it's a one.
15:34But I've got a seven letter.
15:35What did you get, Kathy?
15:36Tripods.
15:37Wow.
15:38APPLAUSE
15:43I'm afraid, Kathy, I've just been told on my end,
15:45you said six, so we can't give you anything for that seven.
15:48Oh, fuck off.
15:51Come on.
15:53All right, Kathy, as you knew, we'll let you have it this time.
16:00OK, Jon, your nine?
16:01You know, when you put a spirit into a glass,
16:05in the olden days, they would say you were a porist instead of a barman,
16:10so you poured the beer.
16:12After you...
16:13Jon, Jon, I'll say that, you haven't got a nine.
16:16After you...
16:17Do you want a shot or not?
16:20You want a mustang, do you, mate?
16:22If you poristed the beer, they'd say,
16:24you really poristed that well.
16:29Susie, can you have poristed?
16:31Oh, so sadly, not.
16:33No.
16:34You can't even be a porist.
16:36OK, seven points to both teams.
16:43Dara, Susie, what could they have had?
16:45Well, I only got as far as Dustier, which is a seven as well,
16:48which was trumped immediately by her word,
16:50outsider, which is an eight,
16:52and then a small frisson of excitement,
16:54there is a nine-letter word.
16:56Oh!
16:57Let's get a drum ready.
16:58Yeah, can we have a shot?
16:59Can we get a shot?
17:00Surely whoever gets the nine-letter word gets a shot.
17:03And the word is that commonly used phrase, dipterus.
17:06Oh, dipterus.
17:07Dipterus.
17:08Ah!
17:09It means, relating to flies of the order diptera,
17:12and those are things like mosquitoes and tsetse flies,
17:15not very nice things.
17:16It's a nine, everyone. Come on, it's a nine.
17:18It's a nine, yeah.
17:20Dipterus.
17:23On to our first numbers round.
17:25OK, Sean and Kathy, your turn to pick the numbers.
17:27Two big ones, if that's all right with you.
17:29Yeah.
17:31And four little ones, please.
17:33Two big ones, four little ones.
17:35Coming up, and for the first time,
17:37the numbers are ten, seven, four,
17:41and another ten, and a large two, 25 and 50.
17:45And your target, 868.
17:48OK, your time starts now.
18:15MUSIC
18:21Kathy, what have you got?
18:22105.
18:26105, can you take us through how you did that?
18:28Yeah, I added the ten, and I did the seven to the ten,
18:33then I added the four, then I added the ten...
18:38..then I added the 25, and then I added the 50.
18:42105.
18:46Well, that's... Yeah.
18:49Is it wrong? Is it 106?
18:54You were very close there to the right answer, Kathy,
18:56but I'm afraid even getting that wrong, you got that wrong.
19:00Sean, how did you do?
19:02I think 825.
19:03825. Jon?
19:05869.
19:06869. Close. Josh?
19:092,000.
19:112,000?
19:12And I haven't written down my workings,
19:14so I don't know how I managed that.
19:17Jon? How did you do it?
19:18Ten plus seven is 17.
19:20Yeah, 17.
19:21Times 50.
19:22850.
19:23And then 25 minus ten is 15.
19:26Yeah.
19:27And add the four.
19:28And add the four.
19:30Yeah, lovely.
19:31OK, seven points to Jon.
19:35Rachel, could it be done?
19:36Yeah.
19:37Oh, so pleased with yourself.
19:39If you say 50 plus ten is 60,
19:43divided by the other ten is six,
19:45add to the 25 is 31,
19:48times it by four for 124,
19:50and times that by seven, 868.
19:52Wow.
19:59OK, so the end of that.
20:00Sean and Kathy have seven points,
20:01Jon and Josh have 14,
20:02and here is your teaser.
20:04The words are BUTTSCAR,
20:06and the clue is, please take it away.
20:08That's BUTTSCAR, please take it away.
20:10See you after the break.
20:13Welcome back.
20:14The answer to the teaser,
20:15the words were BUTTSCAR,
20:16and the clue was, please take it away.
20:18It's, of course, subtract.
20:19So Jon and Josh are in the lead.
20:21They've been playing in teams so far,
20:22but this letters round is just for Kathy and Jon.
20:24So, Kathy, your turn to choose.
20:26Oh, God.
20:27All right.
20:28A vowel, please.
20:29Thank you, Kathy.
20:30Good choice.
20:31I.
20:32And another vowel, please.
20:34E.
20:35And a consonant, please.
20:37H.
20:38And another consonant.
20:41How do you say it?
20:42G.
20:44And a vowel.
20:46A.
20:47And a consonant.
20:49R.
20:51And a consonant.
20:54P.
20:55And a consonant.
20:58T.
20:59Oh, I've got one more, and a vowel.
21:00And the last one.
21:02Another E.
21:03OK, and your time starts now.
21:07ELECTRONIC MUSIC
21:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:37What have you got, Jon?
21:42Er, nine.
21:45Excellent.
21:46OK, Kathy.
21:47Five.
21:48Five. Well, let's hear your five.
21:50Grape.
21:52Jon, your nine?
21:53Well, when...
21:54Jimmy.
21:57When you write with a pencil, you are a graphiter,
22:00but if you write on someone, that person is the graphiteep.
22:05Nine, please.
22:06Nine, please.
22:07Thirsty work.
22:08Graphiteep.
22:09There's graphitise, graphitic, graphitisation, graphology,
22:13but no graphiteep.
22:17OK, so no shot for Jon, and five points to Kathy.
22:24Dara, Susie, could they have done any better?
22:27No, for the looks of it.
22:28I had gripe, at which point that piece of paper was handed to me
22:32with heritage and graphite written on it.
22:36OK, at the end of that, Sean and Kathy have 12 points,
22:38Jon and Josh have 14.
22:43Now time for Sean and Josh to go head-to-head.
22:45Josh, your turn to pick the numbers.
22:47One big one and five small ones.
22:48One big, five small.
22:49Correct.
22:51OK, the numbers for this round, we've got eight, four, six,
22:56one, another six, and 100.
22:59And the target to reach, 111.
23:02OK, your time starts now.
23:05Yes!
23:09Does anyone need the full time on this?
23:13Oh, I've done it.
23:17Just Sean and Josh on this.
23:20Sean, come on, Sean, you can do this.
23:24Oh...
23:36Josh?
23:38Well, 111, actually.
23:40111, well, excellent news. Sean?
23:42Er, yeah, none of them.
23:45Josh, can you take me through how you did it?
23:47100.
23:48100.
23:49Plus six.
23:51106.
23:52Minus six.
23:56Plus eight.
23:58108.
24:01Plus four.
24:03112.
24:05Minus one.
24:06Well done.
24:08Very nice.
24:09I like that.
24:10I mean...
24:13I can't give bonus points for style there, but very nice.
24:17Sean, how did you do it?
24:18Yeah, just the easy way I did it.
24:21100 plus six plus four plus one.
24:24Yeah, lovely, 111.
24:27Ten points for both teams.
24:29OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
24:31Dara, what have you got for us?
24:33The conversation we had about Irish words,
24:35because there are many Irish words that haven't travelled across
24:38and aren't in there, for example.
24:40There is one word, though, that I really wish you had here
24:43that is very common, particularly in Dublin,
24:45and it's the word gee.
24:48Because gee is kind of our word for...
24:51It's a really sweet word for fanny...
24:54LAUGHTER
24:55..in Ireland, you know, or lady garden, or, you know, bits.
24:59LAUGHTER
25:00But it is a word which is really common in Dublin,
25:02one that we really wish you had.
25:04For no other reason, one of your major telecommunications companies
25:08in the last year, I think it was Orange, changed their name to EE.
25:12OK, so now they're EE, and there are EE shops
25:14on every high street in the UK, right?
25:17But this is the same time they introduced 4G into the country as well.
25:23So all over the country, there are massive posters
25:26with the hashtag 4G.
25:29LAUGHTER
25:33And if you're Irish, this is hilariously funny.
25:36We support the general...
25:38Yeah, 4G. We are all 4G.
25:41LAUGHTER
25:42I mean, this is like a company come over here and going,
25:45Tiffani, with a big hashtag.
25:47But 4G is...
25:48Particularly that one, if you look at that one again,
25:51it is things like, 4G is super fast.
25:53Strap in.
25:55LAUGHTER
25:57I've often strapped in 4G.
25:59LAUGHTER
26:01Ladies and gentlemen, Dara O'Briain.
26:03APPLAUSE
26:07So the scores at the moment, Sean and Kathy are on 22,
26:09Jon and Josh have 24.
26:11APPLAUSE
26:15And here is your teaser.
26:17The words are LOOB DONG, and the clue is, give it a whack.
26:20That's LOOB DONG, give it a whack.
26:22See you after the break.
26:24APPLAUSE
26:26Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were LOOB DONG,
26:29and the clue was, give it a whack.
26:31It was, of course, BLUDGEON.
26:33OK, moving on, this time, 2-0-2, Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
26:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:53No.
26:54LAUGHTER
26:57Joe, why have you got a load of people with you?
27:00Oh, yeah, I've been promoted. Again.
27:02LAUGHTER
27:04And now, well, I'm like their tour guide for Countdown.
27:07I'm in the middle of a tour, let's take this lot round.
27:10I've shown them the labs.
27:12I've shown them where Rachel gets drunk before the show.
27:15And I've shown them the studio, so just have a wander, if you like.
27:19LAUGHTER
27:23APPLAUSE
27:27So, ladies, two points of interest.
27:31That's Sean, there, girls.
27:34That's John, he's now sexually active.
27:37LAUGHTER
27:39Believe it or not.
27:41And that's Jimmy.
27:43I don't know why I bother, they don't listen.
27:46That's Jimmy, he's not actually real, he's remote-controlled.
27:50That here, he controls him with his controller.
27:53Do you want to...
27:55Do you want to make Jimmy wave with both hands and say,
27:58I've been a good little boy?
28:01I've been a good little boy. I've been a good little boy.
28:04I've been a good little boy.
28:06APPLAUSE
28:10Sorry, Joe, they've got to go, we've got to crack on with the show, mate.
28:13Fuck you.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:17Can I keep one?
28:19Go on, then.
28:22Go on, then.
28:24It's tense, we're going to go for Dottie, she's the best kisser.
28:27LAUGHTER
28:29APPLAUSE
28:37I'll see you back in the coach, girls.
28:42Right, let's play Countdown!
28:44LAUGHTER
28:46APPLAUSE
28:49OK, on with the game.
28:51Jon and Josh, your turn to pick the letters.
28:53Actually, hold on, I just need to make it official.
28:56We can't do the first round, we're in the middle of some knitting.
28:59LAUGHTER
29:01We're knitting new jousting stick holders.
29:04Bit ambitious, but you try stopping her.
29:07LAUGHTER
29:11Jon?
29:13I'll have a vowel, please.
29:15Joyce?
29:17You?
29:19And a consonant, please.
29:22You're on fire.
29:25R?
29:27And a vowel, please.
29:29E?
29:30A consonant, please.
29:32L?
29:33And another consonant.
29:35S?
29:37And another vowel, please.
29:40A?
29:42And a consonant, please.
29:44B?
29:46And another consonant.
29:48M?
29:50And a vowel, please.
29:52And the last one, E.
29:55And your time starts now.
29:57MUSIC PLAYS
30:02LAUGHTER
30:17LAUGHTER
30:28He was looking for Nick Hure.
30:30LAUGHTER
30:33Oh, Hugh was worried for a minute there, wasn't he?
30:38Kathy, what have you got?
30:40Er, one, two, three, four, five, six...
30:42Seven!
30:45Sean, what have you got?
30:47Six.
30:48Er, Josh, what have you got?
30:49Five.
30:50Five. OK, and then Jon?
30:52Nine!
30:54Got a nine, everyone, a nine.
30:56Well, Josh, let's see your five.
30:58Rules.
30:59Rules.
31:00Sean, your six?
31:01Blames.
31:02Kathy, your seven?
31:03Slumber.
31:05Oh!
31:07APPLAUSE
31:13Your nine, Jon?
31:14Well, Jimmy, I do a lot of building work on the weekends.
31:17I'll knock through something like that.
31:20And when you're putting a beam in a house,
31:22you can't just put it in, you've got to obey the beam rules.
31:25And that's it, beam rules.
31:27LAUGHTER
31:31Susie, beam rules is in there, right?
31:33Yeah, it's in.
31:35APPLAUSE
31:43You can't lie to me.
31:46I thought you could have the drink and then I could tell you.
31:49I genuinely believed you.
31:50I did.
31:51Yeah.
31:52The amazing thing is, I'd like you now to open that card, Rachel.
31:56You'll find the word in there is beam rules.
32:01LAUGHTER
32:03OK, well, this is extraordinary.
32:05It is extraordinary.
32:06OK, no-one has seen that card move, we've all been keeping an eye on it.
32:09It's got Santa on it.
32:11Oh.
32:12LAUGHTER
32:16What does it say, Rachel?
32:17To you, Brian and Margaret. Merry Christmas.
32:20LAUGHTER
32:22APPLAUSE
32:24LAUGHTER
32:30Merry Christmas, you pair of tossers.
32:32LAUGHTER
32:34I'm Sian from Ecuador.
32:36LAUGHTER
32:38APPLAUSE
32:43I don't know what happened now,
32:45but Brian and Margaret have got a card with beam rules in it.
32:48LAUGHTER
32:55I suppose in the long run, it's better.
32:57LAUGHTER
32:59Nobody will understand the amazing feats that I performed here today.
33:03LAUGHTER
33:05And Brian and Margaret, they won't give you the card back,
33:08cos we don't get on.
33:09LAUGHTER
33:11It's a long-running conifer dispute.
33:13It's got pretty ugly, cos it's shade and roots.
33:16LAUGHTER
33:19OK.
33:21Joan, you can't have beam rules, I'm afraid, for a nine.
33:24So, Kathy, that means you get seven points.
33:26APPLAUSE
33:30Clara, Susie, could they have done any better?
33:33Marbles and reusable, which is an eight.
33:36Reusable.
33:38APPLAUSE
33:44So, Kathy, you've got seven points there.
33:46You're now in the lead. How do you think it's going?
33:48I think it's going great.
33:50Yes. He went to university.
33:52Did you go to university?
33:54For a bit. Yeah.
33:55Did you go to university?
33:56No, we didn't go to university.
33:58And we're winning.
33:59LAUGHTER
34:01APPLAUSE
34:06So, at the end of that, Joan and Josh have 24 points.
34:09Sean and Kathy are in the lead with 29.
34:11APPLAUSE
34:15On to another numbers round.
34:17OK, Sean and Kathy, your pick of the numbers.
34:19Two from the top and four from the bottom.
34:22Thank you, Sean. Two big ones, four little ones.
34:25And this time, the little ones are seven, ten, another seven...
34:28You fancy going clubbing later?
34:30..and six.
34:32And the big ones, 75, 25.
34:35And the target, 923.
34:37And your time starts now.
34:39MUSIC PLAYS
34:49MUSIC CONTINUES
35:10Josh, what have you got?
35:12930.
35:13Jon, what have you got?
35:15926.
35:17926. OK, Sean, what have you got?
35:23Kathy?
35:24Nah.
35:27OK, Jon, how did you get 926?
35:2925 plus 75.
35:3125 plus 75, 100.
35:33Minus six.
35:35Minus six, 94.
35:37It's funny now, isn't it? Now I've got it right.
35:39I'm having a good time at this game.
35:43Times by ten.
35:45Times by ten, 940.
35:46And then take away the two sevens.
35:48And take away the two sevens, yeah.
35:50926.
35:51So, seven points to Jon there.
35:58Jon, you were something of a maths genius, come on.
36:00No, well, OK, 25 minus seven.
36:0325 minus seven is 18.
36:05Is 18, add that to the 75.
36:07For 93.
36:08Multiply by ten.
36:09930.
36:10Take away seven.
36:11Take away the other seven, 923, well done.
36:13APPLAUSE
36:17The scores at the moment, Sean and Kathy have 29,
36:20Jon and Josh have 31.
36:27And here's your final teaser.
36:29The words are EAT SHITE, and the clue is
36:32THINK TWICE ABOUT IT.
36:33That's EAT SHITE, THINK TWICE ABOUT IT.
36:35See you after the break.
36:37Welcome back.
36:38The answer to the teaser, the words were EAT SHITE,
36:41and the clue was THINK TWICE ABOUT IT.
36:43It was, of course, HESITATE.
36:45OK, Kathy, your turn to pick the letters.
36:48Vowel, please.
36:50O.
36:51Vowel.
36:53I.
36:55Vowel.
36:57O.
36:58Consonant, please.
37:00S.
37:01Consonant, please.
37:04R.
37:05Consonant.
37:07N.
37:09Consonant.
37:11D.
37:12Vowel.
37:14E.
37:16And a consonant.
37:17And the last one.
37:19Another D.
37:20And your time starts now.
37:22MUSIC PLAYS
37:42MUSIC CONTINUES
37:54Sean, what have you got?
37:55Well, I think I've got a seven.
37:58Kathy?
37:59Six.
38:00Jon?
38:01Nine.
38:03Josh, what have you got?
38:05I'm so confident in Jon that I'm going to go with a two.
38:11What's your two, Josh?
38:13Oy.
38:15I don't know why I stopped listening after the second letter.
38:19OK, so you've got a two there, that's safe.
38:21Kathy, your six.
38:22Well, I don't know, it's a bit dodgy.
38:24Nudier.
38:28She was nudier than in.
38:33No, nudie is in.
38:35And it would be nuder.
38:37Nuder.
38:38Sorry, Kathy.
38:39Sean?
38:40Indoors.
38:41Brilliant.
38:42Very, very good.
38:43Yeah.
38:51Well, let's not get carried away, let's hear the nine.
38:53Jon?
38:54You're actually going to kick yourself, Sean.
38:56You were so nearly there.
38:58It's how do you get out in the event of a fire,
39:00you go through the fire doors.
39:01How do you get into a restaurant?
39:03Through the dine doors.
39:05LAUGHTER
39:09The dine doors, of course, the dine doors.
39:12This is the dine doors.
39:14It's not there.
39:16OK, so that's seven points to Sean.
39:22OK, so Jon and Josh have 31,
39:24Sean and Kathy have 36.
39:26Very close.
39:32Clara, Susie, could they have done any better?
39:34I only got as far as six because the six I got was rodeos
39:37and I was so happy I started thinking about rodeos.
39:42But we're not topping seven with Sean Gosling.
39:44No.
39:45OK, time for our final letters game.
39:47Jon and Josh, your turn to choose.
39:49Vowel, why not?
39:50I'll do it, so I'll do it.
39:52There you go.
39:55A consonant?
39:56Yeah, a five.
39:59There you go, put me in the middle.
40:02I'll have a vowel, please, Joe.
40:04Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
40:06On!
40:09I'll have a consonant, please, Joe.
40:11All right, hold on.
40:12I'll just have to sit down.
40:14That could be gonad.
40:25Well, I'm definitely going to go with a consonant.
40:29Yes, that's right!
40:41Come on, we need a plural. Let's go plural.
40:45You want a consonant, Joe? Come on.
40:50That's right!
40:55Let's go on! Let's go on!
40:59Go on, Joe.
41:04Start the clock.
41:06Consonant.
41:08That's not as good.
41:11Gonads.
41:13Is that what happens when you're castrated?
41:17Let's go vowel. Let's go vowel.
41:20This is an E.
41:22I'm taking my top off.
41:28Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
41:38Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
41:53I love you, Joe.
41:55And your final letter is...
41:59And your time starts now.
42:24Go!
42:35Sean, what have you got?
42:37Gonads.
42:40How many letters?
42:41Six.
42:42OK, Kathy?
42:43Gonads.
42:45How many letters, Kathy?
42:46Six.
42:47Six, OK.
42:48Josh?
42:49Six.
42:51I think I know what you've got.
42:52Two of them, mate.
42:55APPLAUSE
43:02Jon?
43:06Nine.
43:10OK, let me just check in with Josh.
43:12Gonads.
43:13Jon, you're nine.
43:15When you break up with someone who's into kinky sex,
43:18you are sado-exing.
43:24Sado-exing, Susie, that's a word in the dictionary, isn't it?
43:27I love this job.
43:30It's just got sadomasochism quite boringly.
43:33Well, not boringly, but, you know.
43:36No, it's not that, Jon.
43:39And so, six points to both teams for Gonads.
43:48Jon and Susie, could they have done any better?
43:50Agonised for ace letters.
43:53Agonised.
43:54Oh, it was there.
43:55OK, so Jon and Josh have 37, Sean and Kathy have 42.
44:06This doesn't often happen on Capstar's Countdown,
44:09but we have a crucial Countdown conundrum, OK?
44:12Fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial Countdown conundrum.
44:15Time starts now.
44:17LAUGHTER
44:23LAUGHTER
44:49Worst stag do ever.
44:53LAUGHTER
44:55Let's have a look at the answer.
44:58LAUGHTER
44:59Fright us.
45:00So easy.
45:01I got it, I was trying to buzz.
45:03LAUGHTER
45:10So, incredibly, the final scores are Jon and Josh have 37,
45:13but tonight's winners, with 42, are Sean and Kathy.
45:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:23Congratulations to you both.
45:25You are now the proud owners of a complete set of Countdown towels.
45:29Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
45:32and to all of you for watching at home. That's it from us, goodnight.
45:35CHEERING
45:39A carefree cop got a new boss last night, and things are changing fast.
45:44You can catch up on new comedy, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, through 4OD.
45:48Now, what do you do to relax when you get home, besides watching the telly?
45:52Just one of the many things that Sarah Millican wants to talk about next tonight.
45:56She'll take to the stage in just a couple of minutes.
46:00APPLAUSE