8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown. S01 E03.

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First broadcast 9th August 2013.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson

Humphrey Ker
Sarah Millican
Rich Hall

Category

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TV
Transcript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:31Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
00:35Jon Richardson, Sean Locke,
00:39Sarah Millican, Humphrey Carr,
00:43Chris Hall, Susie Dent,
00:46and Rachel Riley.
00:49Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:58Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:01a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:04Did you know, for example, one of the oldest winners of Countdown
01:07was 82-year-old Mary Gordon?
01:10Duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh-duh, doo!
01:13LAUGHTER
01:15Until the 17th century, there was no clear distinction
01:18between the letters I and J.
01:20That's a great fact to drop into conversation on a date
01:23if you don't want the date to end with a girl touching your winkle.
01:27Americans call mathematics math
01:30because they argue mathematics functions as a singular noun,
01:33so math should be singular too.
01:35Fair enough, Americans, but by the same singular rule,
01:38you're a bunch of arsehole.
01:47Right, let's get started.
01:49APPLAUSE
01:57OK, let's meet tonight's players.
01:59First up is Jon Richardson.
02:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:06It's Jon's 10th anniversary as a comedian,
02:08so what better way to celebrate than by getting you a...
02:11Drumroll, please.
02:14We got you a drumroll. Hope you liked it.
02:16LAUGHTER
02:18Jon has a new girlfriend.
02:20She's everything he could have ever imagined.
02:22She's imaginary.
02:24LAUGHTER
02:27How do you know so much about me?
02:29I haven't told anyone it's ten years since I started doing comedy.
02:32I've told everyone I've got a girlfriend, I'm not going to lie to you.
02:35Ten years since we Googled you.
02:37What does it say on there, does it?
02:39It says when you started doing comedy and we worked out,
02:42we got Rachel to help us with the maths.
02:45Ten years. Wow.
02:47Happy anniversary. Thanks, mate.
02:49And on Jon's team tonight, it's Sarah Millican.
02:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:56Sarah Millican is the nation's best-selling female comedian,
02:59which is no mean feat, considering we've got Lily Savage,
03:02Dame Edna and that one-off Mrs Brown's Boys.
03:04LAUGHTER
03:06I've got a better beard than any of them, though.
03:09LAUGHTER
03:11I imagine Sarah's very excited to be on Countdown tonight.
03:13Normally, the only letters Geordie's get are the ones from bailiffs.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:18Be very careful.
03:20I know people. I don't.
03:22You don't know anyone? Nah.
03:25Not at all? Not really, deep down.
03:27LAUGHTER
03:29People put up barriers when I'm around.
03:31Like physical, actual, like, barriers?
03:33Sometimes. Yeah.
03:35I'm a bit uncomfortable being this close to you, to be honest.
03:38This is close, innit? It is. Look.
03:40Ooh! LAUGHTER
03:42OK. Up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.
03:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:50Sean is currently on a lengthy nationwide tour.
03:52He's delighted, as is his wife.
03:54LAUGHTER
03:56And on Sean's team tonight, it's Humphrey Carr.
03:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:04Humphrey Carr went to Eden and paints toy soldiers in his spare time.
04:08The only thing posher and wetter than him
04:10is the Princess Diana memorial fountain.
04:12LAUGHTER
04:14That's fine. That fountain is wet and posh.
04:17It sounded worse than it was.
04:19There's just any mention of Princess Diana.
04:21And you, in the same sphere.
04:23Hey, those are just rumours. Yeah.
04:25It'd be good if we get a nine-letter word tonight,
04:27and it's underpass.
04:29LAUGHTER
04:31It'd really, you know, complete the circle.
04:33LAUGHTER
04:35Yeah, it's hoping.
04:37You spell your surname, it's Carr, but it's K-E-R.
04:40That's... Yeah, that's correct.
04:42No, it isn't.
04:44This is my point, it's C-A-R-R.
04:46What do you do on Countdown if you can't spell your own name?
04:50I mean, C-A-R-R isn't right, is it?
04:52While we're being dickheads about it.
04:54Carr is...
04:56Carr is C-A-R-R.
05:00It's C-A-R-R.
05:04So, Jon, have you got a mascot?
05:06Well, no, I brought something to up my game.
05:08So, this is a reminder to me.
05:10This is my basic certificate in food hygiene.
05:14It's a genuine...
05:16It's a genuine qualification.
05:18Jon J Richardson has successfully completed
05:20a programme of training and assessment,
05:22so I took this down off my wall today,
05:24out of its guilt frame.
05:26You took it off the caravan
05:28with which you sell burgers by the side of the road.
05:33Sarah, do you watch the show, do you watch Countdown?
05:35Yes, I do, and I am much better at it,
05:38now that you can pause the telly.
05:43I'm looking forward to playing with Jon.
05:45I mean, he's a pretty good team leader, I think.
05:47Oh, is he a leader? I thought we were just a team.
05:52Qualifications.
05:56Have you got a mascot? Have you got any...?
05:58Yes, I have. What have you got?
06:00I've got a doll of myself
06:03that someone made me.
06:08And I thought, then, I believe in myself,
06:11so I should have a mascot of myself.
06:13Oh, she's...
06:15She's not very well today, she's having a lie-down.
06:17Let's spare the audience a little bit, shall we?
06:20In case it's very realistic.
06:25There we go.
06:27Sean, you won last week.
06:29You beat Jon. How does it feel?
06:31Not as good as I thought.
06:33I did the thing that I always do when I win Countdown,
06:35which is I have a bath in alphabety spaghetti.
06:38And I thought I'd dried myself off,
06:42but when I bent over and caught a glimpse,
06:44I had a nine-letter word in the crack of me arse.
06:50And it was underpass.
06:56And it wasn't just, like, all differently arranged,
06:59it was underpass, stuck, very carefully,
07:03cos I've got quite a pronounced...
07:05I've got one buttock that's pronounced prouder than the other.
07:08I think it was I used to ride pillion a lot.
07:13Anyway, so they're all arranged.
07:16One buttock, and I caught it, and it said underpass.
07:19It's very rare in a tin of alphabety spaghetti to get two S's.
07:25That's what really freaked me out.
07:28It's not much of a bath in alphabety spaghetti
07:31if you only use one tin, is it?
07:36APPLAUSE
07:39Have you got a mascot this evening?
07:41Yeah, I do. It's this.
07:43It's Fonzie. This is Fonzie.
07:46Fonzie. Yeah.
07:48And I find, when I'm playing the game,
07:50that bloody clock really spoils it.
07:54The countdown clock, you're saying spoils countdown.
07:57Yeah, cos you're trying to think of words, but you put these on...
08:02You've got to come over and tell me when the clock's finished,
08:07which buys me extra time.
08:11They buy me some extra time. Didn't you hear me?
08:15I haven't got them on. Yeah, I heard you.
08:19Pardon?
08:21Humphrey, could you take those off him?
08:23Oh, yeah, sure. Oh.
08:27Lovely.
08:29OK, Humphrey, have you seen the show?
08:31Have I? Yes.
08:35Are you good at this? No.
08:38Are you better on numbers than letters? What do you think?
08:41I use letters more often.
08:45All the time.
08:46Don't most people refer to themselves as one, though?
08:49Yeah, unfortunately, no-one referred to themselves as 150.
08:52It's the biggest of the big numbers.
08:54Why is the biggest of the big numbers?
08:56100. Oh, shit.
08:59Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Rich Hall, everyone.
09:06Rich Hall is American.
09:08They do a version of Countdown in America,
09:10but with its difficult word games and challenging number puzzles,
09:13it had to be dumbed down.
09:14Over there, it's called Sesame Street.
09:19It's two now.
09:20It's been two insults directed at this audience.
09:23Very nice to have you here. Have you seen the show before, Rich?
09:26No.
09:29Is there any equivalent in America?
09:31There's Hawaii Five-0.
09:36With you in Dictionary Corner, we've got a course.
09:38Susie Dent. Give Susie Dent a round of applause.
09:48Susie worked as an English language teacher in the US
09:50after leaving university.
09:52An English language teacher in the US.
09:54Imagine that's like being a health and safety officer in Helmand Province.
09:59And in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
10:06Rachel is also a presenter on Channel 5's The Gadget Show,
10:09which I was disappointed to find was just her testing headphones and stuff.
10:17Rachel, any tips for the contestants this evening?
10:20Well, based on the last few attempts,
10:22it's just very important that the words are real ones.
10:27OK, well, tonight our teams will be competing for this,
10:29the Countdown teapot.
10:33How do you know to do that?
10:36OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
10:41Time for our first game.
10:42Jon and Sarah, you're to pick the letters.
10:44I'll let you pick these, but if we get a Y and an I,
10:47we haven't finished, that's not a word.
10:51Totally is, shut your face.
10:54Can I have a vowel, please?
10:56You can, thank you. Start with A.
10:59Another vowel, please.
11:01O.
11:02A consonant, please.
11:04H.
11:06Another consonant.
11:08R.
11:09And another.
11:10T.
11:12A vowel, please.
11:14U.
11:16I'm done.
11:17I'm done.
11:21Another vowel, please.
11:23And E.
11:25Thank you. And two more consonants, please.
11:28And V.
11:29And the last one, G.
11:31OK, everyone, let's Countdown.
11:47LAUGHTER
12:04So, Sean, what have you got?
12:08Five.
12:13APPLAUSE
12:18Doesn't last as long as you'd like.
12:21Sean, you've got five. Humphrey, what have you got?
12:23Six. OK.
12:24Jon?
12:25I've only got five.
12:26Sarah, what have you got?
12:27I've got 12.
12:32Or three fours.
12:36Three fours.
12:37Yeah, but they're all really good.
12:40All right, let's go with your fours first.
12:42I've got goth, goat...
12:45..and H-O-T-E, hotter.
12:50It's a Geordie thing.
12:51Can you use that in a sentence?
12:53Er, I was cold before, but now I'm hotter.
13:04Now, Jon, you've got a five?
13:06I've got hover.
13:07Sean, what have you got?
13:09I've got a few fives. I've got avert, trove, vague.
13:13OK. Humphrey?
13:14I made a mistake.
13:15I'm sorry, you made a mistake.
13:16I made a mistake.
13:17Gary, what have you got?
13:18Well, if there was a C...
13:21..which there is on my piece of paper,
13:23cos I wrote it down cos I misheard what the letters were,
13:26you could have had grouch.
13:29Yeah!
13:30You could have had loads of words if there'd been other letters there.
13:34Other than my six, I also got cargo.
13:38Oh!
13:39That was a C.
13:41It's hard to know.
13:42I mean, you have to appreciate, Humphrey,
13:44your height advantage you're bringing to the team,
13:46but apart from that...
13:48OK, so it's five points to each of you,
13:50but, Rich, could they have done any better?
13:52Yes, they could have. They could have done author V.
13:55If you had five Roman writers...
14:00..the fifth one would be author V.
14:05That's an excellent point, Rich, yes.
14:07Susie?
14:08Just sevens.
14:10They send tougher and outrage there for seven.
14:12OK, on to our first numbers round.
14:14Sean and Humphrey, your turn to pick the numbers.
14:17We'll have two from the top and then the rest.
14:20I can't remember how many numbers you're supposed to pick.
14:22Six, is it?
14:23Yeah, you can have four little ones.
14:25Two large, four little.
14:26And they are eight, nine, three, eight,
14:31and the large two, 50 and 75.
14:34And the target, 979.
14:37OK, let's count down.
14:48It's worth mentioning, Humphrey, there is no C up there.
15:08Right, what have you got, Sean?
15:11I've got an incredible...
15:13979,658.
15:23OK, Humphrey, what have you got?
15:25I might have 979.
15:28OK.
15:31Oh, don't bother with that.
15:33Let's wait and see, shall we?
15:35OK, Jon, what have you got?
15:37I think I've got 980.
15:39OK. Sarah?
15:41I've got nowhere near...
15:42Cos this is the bit where I'd normally pause it
15:44and have about 20 minutes.
15:46And a calculator.
15:48Yeah, the actual 30 seconds is a pain, isn't it?
15:50It's faster than I thought.
15:52It's really loud.
15:54And when you watch the show, it's like,
15:56here, it's like you're inside the bell of Big Ben.
15:59It's going...
16:01And someone's asking you,
16:03why, why, why?
16:07So, Humphrey, how did you get 979?
16:09Well, 225 x 8.
16:12LAUGHTER
16:15225 x 8, sure.
16:1775. 75 x 8.
16:20OK, 75 x 8, what is that supposed to be?
16:23That is...
16:25600.
16:27Yeah, 600, of course.
16:30Plus 50.
16:32Plus 50, yeah.
16:34Plus 50 is 650, as we all know.
16:36Yeah.
16:38And then you minus...
16:40No, then times by...
16:42No.
16:44LAUGHTER
16:46Add 8 x 9.
16:488 x 9 is 72.
16:51Sure.
16:53LAUGHTER
16:55And then you have to add VAT.
16:58So we've got 866.
17:00OK, we're getting super close.
17:02And that's basically 979.
17:05LAUGHTER
17:07Jon, how did you get 980, which is now looking like our best hope?
17:10I think, well, 75 plus 50 is 125.
17:1375 plus 50 is 125.
17:16Times by 8.
17:18Times by 8 is 1,000.
17:20And then take off the 9, the 3 and the 8.
17:229, 3 and the other 8 for 980. Well done.
17:24APPLAUSE
17:28APPLAUSE
17:32OK, so seven points to you, Jon.
17:34Rachel, could they have done it?
17:36If you say 9 x 8 is 72...
17:38Yeah.
17:40..add the 50... As I said.
17:42..is 122. Yes.
17:44Times that by 8 for 976.
17:46And add on the 3.
17:48APPLAUSE
17:51APPLAUSE
17:57OK, it's time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
17:59Rich, what have you got for us?
18:01What?
18:03LAUGHTER
18:05What have you got for us there, Rich, in Dictionary Corner for us?
18:10I have a dictionary.
18:12LAUGHTER
18:14Am I supposed to have something?
18:16Well, no. Traditionally on the show, at this point,
18:18you would go over to Dictionary Corner and you would have
18:20an amusing anecdote or a story, a song, a poem.
18:23Do you have anything you could do or say?
18:26Well, Jimmy, I'm glad you asked.
18:29LAUGHTER
18:31I wrote this song.
18:33I think all songs should be about heartbreak and emotion.
18:38I'm a big Scrabble fan.
18:43Sometimes if your girlfriend or your wife is cheating on you,
18:46it's hard to tell.
18:49But she might be laying down some subtle clues
18:52when you're playing Scrabble.
18:54LAUGHTER
19:00Could have played HEART.
19:04The word was right there from the start,
19:07but you rearranged the letters...
19:10..and it came out HATER.
19:13Could have played CHASED.
19:17But you let my good love go to waste.
19:20Put your tits in someone else's face.
19:26How long do you play CHEATS?
19:34You could have gave me ROSES.
19:37But you just gave me SORES.
19:40LAUGHTER
19:50You could have put down SHOWER, but you stay gone for hours.
19:55So I think I'll play HORES.
20:01Could have played LOVE.
20:03You could have played LOVE.
20:06But you played E-V-O-L.
20:12Who the fuck taught you to spell?
20:17Evil just as well.
20:20You could have played BEDROOM and PLEASED.
20:26But you played BOREDOM and ASLEEP.
20:30I don't need these acrimonies.
20:33So I'm moving to MICRONESIA.
20:38LAUGHTER
20:52While the scores at the moment, Sean and Humphrey have five points,
20:55Jon and Sarah in the lead with 12.
20:59APPLAUSE
21:03And with your teaser, the words are GONAD, TIP
21:06and the clue is ONE WAY TO BECOME A PARENT.
21:09That's GONAD, TIP, ONE WAY TO BECOME A PARENT.
21:12See you after the break.
21:17Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were GONAD, TIP
21:21and the clue was ONE WAY TO BECOME A PARENT.
21:23It was, of course, ADOPTING.
21:25OK, they've been playing in teams so far,
21:27just for Sean and Sarah.
21:29Yes!
21:32Feeling confident, Sean?
21:34OK, Sean and Sarah, just you two on this one.
21:36I'm not even going to use me eyes.
21:39That's really harsh.
21:45Sean, you're to pick the letters.
21:47Ooh, well, I'll start with the vowel, please.
21:50Thank you, Sean. I.
21:54Oh, yeah, and another one, please.
21:57A.
21:59And another one.
22:01E.
22:03OK, and some consonants, please.
22:05N.
22:07Keep them coming.
22:09S.
22:11And another.
22:13H.
22:15And another.
22:17You can get High Sean out of that, out of interest.
22:19B.
22:21And a vowel.
22:23I.
22:26And a consonant.
22:28And the last one.
22:30N.
22:32OK, let's count down.
22:34Rachel.
22:51Jesus.
22:56Christ.
23:08That's a strong hand.
23:10What have you got, Sarah?
23:12I've got a definite five and a wobbly six.
23:14What are you going to go for, the definite five or the wobbly six?
23:17Wobbly six.
23:19Wobbly six it is, OK. Sean, what have you got?
23:21I've got a six.
23:22Confident six. OK, what's your six?
23:25Oh, no!
23:29Oh, no, it's not, it's a wobbly six, it's a wobbly six.
23:32I've got a confident five.
23:38OK, Sarah, what was yours?
23:40Man-ish.
23:42Man-ish, like John?
23:45Excuse me, could I have Man-ish?
23:47You need two Ns there.
23:49That's why it was wobbly.
23:51So no points there at all for anyone.
23:53Have you done any better, Dictionary Corner?
23:55Yeah, I had seven.
23:57In shape.
23:59How are you feeling? I'm in shape.
24:04Impish, mishap.
24:06Excellent.
24:07Impish and mishap.
24:09That means the scores are still...
24:11Sean and Humphrey have five, John and Sarah have 12.
24:19Right, time now for John and Humphrey to go head-to-head.
24:22This numbers round is just for them.
24:24OK, John, you're to pick the numbers.
24:26Well, since it's Humphrey playing against me,
24:29we'll have one big one and the rest sort of embarrassingly small.
24:35They are ten.
24:36Is ten the big one?
24:38No. Three, five...
24:40Wait for it. Seven.
24:42Seven. And the big one?
24:4475.
24:46And the target, 812.
24:48Time starts now.
24:52BUZZER
25:04LAUGHTER
25:07LAUGHTER
25:20OK, John, what have you got?
25:22I've got 813.
25:24OK, pretty close. Humphrey, what have you got?
25:26I've got 807.
25:31OK, 813. John, how did you do it?
25:3375 plus five.
25:3575 plus five, 80.
25:37Plus seven over seven.
25:39Plus seven over seven for 81.
25:41Oh, piss flaps, I just said.
25:44LAUGHTER
25:46What's seven over seven? What does that mean?
25:48That's one, mate.
25:49Oh! I didn't know you could do that.
25:51Times five, ten.
25:53Times five, ten for 813.
25:55Hey, we're learning maths as well, this is fun.
25:57And add the three, 813, one away.
25:59APPLAUSE
26:02Rachel, could it be done?
26:04Well, I think... Do you have it, John?
26:06Do you want to do it for pride's sake?
26:08Should I stop to 75 plus five?
26:10Erm... No.
26:12No, you carry on with it, mate, I don't want to make you look silly.
26:15LAUGHTER
26:17Yeah, you could have said 75 plus seven is 82,
26:21times by ten is 820,
26:24and then five plus three is eight,
26:26to take away 812.
26:28APPLAUSE
26:30You should have done that, that's what you should have done.
26:33If only I'd been crying.
26:35If you'd been crying, you would have done that, right?
26:37John.
26:39I think I'm dying.
26:41LAUGHTER
26:44OK, John's crying.
26:46Let's do a numbers round quick, I've got a chance.
26:49What happened, did it go down the wrong way?
26:51It's a tickle and it won't go away.
26:54Take a moment.
26:56I wanted to do that.
26:59I thought there was a hole behind that.
27:01Do you want to use that?
27:04I've got tissues.
27:06Do you need to get Heimlich?
27:09I'll Heimlich you, John.
27:11I think I will.
27:13Come on, do you want one?
27:15I think if you try and Heimlich me, you'll strangle me,
27:17cos you're about ten times taller than I am.
27:19Do you want me to do it?
27:21There's nothing to Heimlich.
27:23I haven't done anything, has anybody...?
27:25Look at the size of him.
27:27LAUGHTER
27:30APPLAUSE
27:36I've sort of created a blockage in two places now.
27:39LAUGHTER
27:41Hi.
27:43LAUGHTER
27:46APPLAUSE
27:49LAUGHTER
27:52APPLAUSE
27:56LAUGHTER
28:08You'll notice I was always coughing into the hand,
28:10never onto the food.
28:12LAUGHTER
28:14OK, the scores at the moment, Humphrey and Sean have five points,
28:17John and Sarah have 19.
28:19APPLAUSE
28:22And here's your teaser.
28:24The words are NOSE FART and the clue is...
28:27Where You Get A Fresh Breeze.
28:29It's NOSE FART. Where You Get A Fresh Breeze.
28:32See you after the break.
28:34APPLAUSE
28:37Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were NOSE FART
28:40and the clue was Where You Get A Fresh Breeze.
28:43It was, of course, SEAFRONT.
28:45OK, well, we're halfway through the game,
28:47so good a time as any to bring out Rachel's glamorous assistant.
28:50Please welcome Jo Wilkinson.
28:52APPLAUSE
29:07Jo, why are you dressed as Santa?
29:10I'll be honest with you, Jimmy, I completely muddled up the months.
29:14LAUGHTER
29:16I'll be honest with you, I thought it was March.
29:19LAUGHTER
29:22But I've actually got everyone some presents.
29:26I've got everyone some skirting board, if you want to have that.
29:31LAUGHTER
29:37I think that's your one. There you go.
29:40And I've got Rachel Salick as well.
29:44She's my boss and that.
29:46I've done you a painting.
29:48LAUGHTER
29:51APPLAUSE
30:02That's me on a horse.
30:04Are you a eunuch?
30:06Am I a eunuch? No, no, there's my penis.
30:09LAUGHTER
30:11And I thought that could go in your hallway.
30:13Right, let's do all the other ones.
30:15Yeah, yeah, I'll put it here for now.
30:17So, Merry Christmas!
30:20APPLAUSE
30:25Sorry, your microphone's just fallen down there.
30:27No, no, that was deliberate.
30:29LAUGHTER
30:32I'm going to stand here until someone helps.
30:36Oh, that's it, there.
30:38LAUGHTER
30:40Actually, just clip it onto something rather than wedge it in.
30:43LAUGHTER
30:51LAUGHTER
30:54So, you're Rachel's assistant.
30:56How's the job been going since we last saw you?
30:58Oh, it's been good. Got more responsibilities now.
31:01Still have to empty the bins and bathe her,
31:03but I also now have to look after racing pigeons.
31:08Rachel's got racing pigeons?
31:10Yeah, yeah, about 200. She keeps them in her spare room.
31:12It fucking stinks.
31:14Let's play Countdown!
31:17APPLAUSE
31:19It's only a catchphrase. I shout it randomly.
31:22Back to the game. Jon, your turn to choose the letters.
31:25Hello, Rachel.
31:26Hey, Jon.
31:27Hi, Santa.
31:28LAUGHTER
31:30Can I have a consonant, please?
31:32Oh, yeah, I should point out I've added a few characters.
31:35LAUGHTER
31:40I've got, like, an exclamation mark there.
31:43If you want it loud.
31:45LAUGHTER
31:48Brackets.
31:49I did warn you about using your initiative.
31:51I'm not listening to you.
31:54Comma, if you want it there.
31:57I don't know what that is, it's internet-y.
32:00And that, I think that's just an I.
32:03Jon, letters?
32:05I think I'd still like a consonant.
32:08You're a grumpy bugger.
32:11And another one, please.
32:14W.
32:15Ah, the North West.
32:17CHEERING
32:20Really?
32:22Have you been outside?
32:25And a vowel, please.
32:27That's me. I hope it's an A.
32:29There's no bloody A's.
32:31It has to be a...
32:33There's now.
32:35You're not supposed to tell them.
32:37LAUGHTER
32:40Own.
32:41Own.
32:42One.
32:43This is a piece of piss.
32:45LAUGHTER
32:48I'll have another consonant.
32:50F.
32:51Oh.
32:52Can I tempt you with a vowel?
32:54LAUGHTER
32:57I'll straighten them out.
32:59Quite like this. Who wants it most?
33:01Me.
33:02Right.
33:03You.
33:06Let's have a consonant.
33:07Oh, you twat.
33:09LAUGHTER
33:10R.
33:11Right, and then another one.
33:13T.
33:14And then, why don't you slap us a last vowel up there?
33:17Why don't you share this one?
33:19You're getting too excited.
33:20A.
33:21OK, let's hear that countdown clock.
33:24CLOCK TICKS
33:28LAUGHTER
33:41CLOCK TICKS
33:45Oh, God.
33:48LAUGHTER
33:53Jon, what have you got?
33:55Er, I've got a funny four.
33:58A funny four?
33:59Yeah.
34:00OK, Sarah, what have you got?
34:02I've got a five.
34:03Humphrey, what have you got?
34:04I've got a definite five.
34:05Sean.
34:08LAUGHTER
34:14Sean.
34:16Sean!
34:20LAUGHTER
34:24LAUGHTER
34:29Sean, tap him for me, tap him.
34:31Sean.
34:35I knew exactly what I was doing there.
34:39So I've got a five.
34:40Jon, let's hear your four.
34:41Fart.
34:43Did you see a fart up there?
34:47Now fart.
34:49LAUGHTER
34:54Now you fart.
34:58APPLAUSE
35:03OK, Sarah, what have you got?
35:05Frown.
35:06And Humphrey?
35:07Er, water.
35:08OK, and Sean, what have you got?
35:09Frown.
35:10Five points each.
35:11APPLAUSE
35:16Which, er...
35:18Which, what could they have had?
35:20Fortune.
35:21Fortune was out there, was it?
35:22I'm getting a fortune cookie.
35:23OK, the scores at the moment, Humphrey and Sean have ten,
35:25Jon and Sarah have 24.
35:27APPLAUSE
35:32OK, that's all the numbers round. Sean and Humphrey, your turn to pick.
35:35Er, one from the top and the little ones.
35:38One large.
35:39Five little ones.
35:42Ten.
35:44Six.
35:45Seven.
35:47Three.
35:49Two.
35:54Move the belly, move the belly, move the belly.
35:56And 50.
35:58I'll do the pattern, I'll do the pattern.
36:01Oh, that's my lucky number.
36:04OK, so your target is 996, your time starts now.
36:28It's too easy now, isn't it?
36:39Sean, what have you got?
36:40Er, 996.
36:42Humphrey, what have you got?
36:43Erm, 1030.
36:46LAUGHTER
36:48Do your parents ever ask for a refund from you?
36:50LAUGHTER
36:51Sarah, what have you got?
36:52994.
36:53994, OK, and Jon, what have you got?
36:55Jon, what have you got?
36:56I've got 996.
36:57Terrific skills. OK, Sean, how did you get 996?
36:59You go two times 50 is 100, times ten is 1,000.
37:03Seven minus three is four, take that away, and you've got 996.
37:07APPLAUSE
37:11Jon? Jon?
37:15I do it the same way, and then I listen in there,
37:18and there's just, you can just hear a woman screaming.
37:21LAUGHTER
37:23Is it his wife?
37:27Nothing.
37:28Can you not hear her?
37:29No.
37:30You just drowned it out.
37:31Yeah, I've learnt to do that.
37:33LAUGHTER
37:36OK, so ten points each.
37:38APPLAUSE
37:43So the scores at the moment, Humphrey and Sean have 20 points,
37:46Jon and Sarah out in the lead with 34.
37:48APPLAUSE
37:52And here's your final teaser.
37:54The words are LAST ANUS and the clue is TASTE FRUITY.
37:58That's LAST ANUS, TASTE FRUITY.
38:00See you after the break.
38:02APPLAUSE
38:07Welcome back.
38:08The answer to the teaser, the words were LAST ANUS
38:11and the clue was TASTE FRUITY.
38:13It was, of course, Sultanas.
38:15OK, time for another letters game.
38:17Sean and Humphrey, your turn to choose.
38:19All right, may I have a consonant, please?
38:21I'll start with the consonants.
38:23Can you do it? I've just got to wrap my mum's present up.
38:26LAUGHTER
38:27I've got her a manhole cover.
38:29LAUGHTER
38:30She's very difficult to buy for.
38:32LAUGHTER
38:33Did you steal that?
38:34Lifted it off the pavement there.
38:36LAUGHTER
38:37I'm not sure you're meant to take them.
38:39No-one said I couldn't.
38:41LAUGHTER
38:43What's the step when you leave here? M?
38:45Vowel, please.
38:47E
38:48Consonant, please.
38:51P
38:52Vowel, please.
38:55A
38:58A.
38:59A.
39:00Consonant, please.
39:01R
39:02Joe, no scissors in your mouth, we've discussed this.
39:04Vowel, please.
39:05Do what I want, mate.
39:06LAUGHTER
39:08I
39:09Consonant, please.
39:11S
39:12Another consonant, please.
39:13B
39:14Another consonant, please.
39:15And the last one.
39:17T
39:18OK, the clock starts now.
39:20MUSIC PLAYS
39:44What have you got?
39:45Sarah?
39:46I've got a five.
39:47Five. OK, John?
39:48I've got an eight.
39:49Ooh!
39:52Correct.
39:53Um, Humphrey, what have you got?
39:54I've only got a five.
39:56It's OK. Good for you.
39:58LAUGHTER
39:59Sean, what have you got?
40:00I've got a six.
40:01Six.
40:02OK, Humphrey, what's your five?
40:03A
40:04A
40:05A
40:06A
40:07A
40:08A
40:09A
40:10A
40:11A
40:12Humphrey, what's your five?
40:13Er, it is prism.
40:15Prism. OK.
40:16Er, Sean, what's your six?
40:17Er, impart.
40:19Impart.
40:20Impart, OK.
40:21Sarah?
40:22Prize.
40:24LAUGHTER
40:26As in prize apart.
40:27Something open, yes.
40:28Very good.
40:29Great.
40:30Yeah, like that.
40:31LAUGHTER
40:32OK.
40:33They didn't need a lot of prizing.
40:34Um, John?
40:35Er, barmy-ist.
40:37What, sorry?
40:38Barmy-ist, as in barmy army.
40:40Fantastic.
40:41OK.
40:42They send the dictionary.
40:43Well done.
40:44APPLAUSE
40:52Susie, could they have done any better?
40:55Primates, but that would have done any better.
40:57No.
40:58Um, OK, we're now going to our final numbers round.
41:00OK, John and Sarah, your turn to pick the numbers.
41:02Can I have, er, two big ones and the rest small, please?
41:07LAUGHTER
41:09I'll do one.
41:10I'll do one.
41:11OK, I'll do the other three.
41:12Do you want to put it up?
41:13Yep.
41:14That's how many times I've fallen down a well.
41:16LAUGHTER
41:21I walk about in the dark near a well a lot.
41:23Is that where your nose goes?
41:25Yep.
41:26Nosebleeds.
41:27Get a lot of nosebleeds, as well.
41:29OK, four, two, ten, four.
41:31And the large, two, 75 and 25.
41:34And the target, 762.
41:37Time starts now.
41:49Susie?
41:50It is?
41:59LAUGHTER
42:08OK, Humphrey, straight to you. What have you got?
42:11Why? Why do you always come to me first?
42:13Is it because I'm bad? Well, fine, I've got 769, so fuck off.
42:17LAUGHTER
42:28All the way through, with fucking earphones here,
42:30he's going, of course it's an easy one, this is easy,
42:32I've done it already.
42:33And then you go, I'm all a twat.
42:36Sean's got a lot better at this game over the last couple of weeks,
42:39it would appear.
42:40Oh, no, I haven't.
42:42Let's see how you do. Sarah, how have you done?
42:45Oh, not good, 780, not good.
42:47780, not good. OK, go on, you, Jon.
42:50You?
42:51You, Jon.
42:52Oi, cardigan, what have you got? 762, mate.
42:55OK.
42:56I might not be popular, but I've got it.
42:58Sean, did you get it?
42:59Yeah, I did it by just willpower.
43:01LAUGHTER
43:03I used maths, I used the force of the mind.
43:0710 x 75, which is 750.
43:10Yeah, you're still in the game.
43:12And then, by using sheer willpower, I used the ten again.
43:16LAUGHTER
43:21Force of personality, by imposing my will on maths.
43:27OK, Jon, how did you do it?
43:28You do that, and then 4 x 2 is 8.
43:30Oh, I don't times, mate.
43:32LAUGHTER
43:35I'll take over.
43:36No, I'm not doing it, mate.
43:37It's this one.
43:38But you did it there.
43:40I thought, yeah, I did.
43:42LAUGHTER
43:44Fucking times!
43:45LAUGHTER
43:49And then I had the other four.
43:51The other four.
43:5212, 762.
43:5310 points to Jon.
43:54APPLAUSE
43:57Where's the 25?
43:59You don't have to use all of them.
44:01LAUGHTER
44:05Are you serious?!
44:07I was doing the whole thing again!
44:09LAUGHTER
44:11So I can tell you, the scores going into today's Countdown Conundrum
44:14are Sean and Humphrey have a very creditable 20,
44:17Jon and Sarah have 52, so it's all still to play for.
44:21APPLAUSE
44:23It's not really all still to play for.
44:25They've won by some considerable margin.
44:28But as a formality, why don't we try and give this a go?
44:30OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
44:36LAUGHTER
44:50Humphrey, have you got it?
44:51Yeah.
44:52Go on, what have you got?
44:53Is it ambulance?
44:54Is it ambulance? Let's have a look.
44:56APPLAUSE
45:01At the final moment, at the 11th hour,
45:04Humphrey Carr has redeemed himself on Countdown
45:07by getting an ambulance.
45:09OK, so the final scores are Humphrey and Sean have 30 points,
45:12Jon and Sarah are the winners with 52.
45:14APPLAUSE
45:20There you go, you get a tip-off.
45:25Thank you all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
45:28thank you for watching at home, that's it from us, goodnight.
45:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:37Now, if you ever miss the fun of the last leg, 4OD is your friend.
45:42You can find episodes there to watch at your leisure.
45:45Well, it's just time for a quick brush-up and change of clobber
45:48for Sarah Millican, and then she's all on her own.
45:51Chatterbox Live, next.
45:58APPLAUSE