First broadcast 13th September 2013.
Jimmy Carr
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
Lee Mack
Adam Hills
Bob Mortimer
Alex Horne
Joe Auckland
Will Collier
Ben Reynolds
Eddie Edwards
Jimmy Carr
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
Lee Mack
Adam Hills
Bob Mortimer
Alex Horne
Joe Auckland
Will Collier
Ben Reynolds
Eddie Edwards
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:31Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
00:35Jon Richardson,
00:37Lee Mack,
00:39Bob Mortimer,
00:41Adam Hills,
00:43Alex Horne and the Horn Section,
00:46Susie Dent,
00:48and Rachel Riley.
00:50Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:59Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:02a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:05Did you know, for example, since 2013, Countdown has been filmed in HD?
01:09Carol Vorderman really dodged a bullet there.
01:12LAUGHTER
01:15Australia has cancelled their version of Countdown in favour of showing ours,
01:20which means the show no longer features the words
01:23larrigan, hoon, galah, dag, dinkum, bonza, toadfish or lacedas.
01:30LAUGHTER
01:32And a homophone is a word that sounds like another word
01:36but has a different spelling and meaning,
01:38not to be confused with a homophone,
01:40which is just a mobile with Grindr on it.
01:42Right, let's get started.
01:44APPLAUSE
01:53OK, let's meet tonight's teams. First up, it's Jon Richardson.
01:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:00Jon is widely considered to be the life and soul of the party.
02:03When I say party, it's really more of a get-together.
02:06It's actually a wake, but Jon is the life and soul of it.
02:10LAUGHTER
02:12And Jon's team-mate is Adam Hills.
02:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:16Lovely to have you here.
02:19Adam Hills is here because we wanted an Australian entertainer
02:22and for some reason, Rolf Harris isn't returning our calls.
02:25LAUGHTER
02:29And up against them this evening,
02:31it's our special guest team captain, Lee Mack.
02:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:37Marvellous to be back.
02:39Have you got jokes about me?
02:42Fun fact, Lee Mack is French for coat.
02:45LAUGHTER
02:48It says here that you pulled out of the Paris Marathon
02:51when you discovered one of your legs was slightly shorter than the other one.
02:54That is true, yeah.
02:55You're not going to get a lot of sympathy off Adam here.
02:58That's true. He hates the French, doesn't he?
03:00LAUGHTER
03:02Joining Lee tonight, it's Bob Mortimer.
03:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:09With his lovable northern charm and surrealist comedy,
03:12Bob Mortimer is utterly unique, one of a kind, just like Vic Reeves.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:18Bob, do you watch Countdown?
03:20Yes, I'd like to play it one day.
03:22LAUGHTER
03:24Are you good on the numbers, the letters?
03:26Where do you think you're going to be strongest?
03:29I certainly know more numbers.
03:31I actually know an infinite amount of numbers,
03:33so I think that will hold me in good stead.
03:35I reckon I know about 400 to 500 words,
03:38so let's hope some of them come up.
03:40LAUGHTER
03:41Lee, how do you think Bob's going to do?
03:43I think he's going to do terribly.
03:45Somebody brought him on as eye candy.
03:47LAUGHTER
03:49Have you got a mascot this evening, Lee?
03:51I have got a mascot, yes. I've brought along...
03:53This is genuinely true.
03:55I've actually brought along my nan's ashes.
03:57LAUGHTER
03:59Genuinely true. My nan was always a big fan of Countdown
04:02and she always wanted to come on, and so this is like...
04:05LAUGHTER
04:07That's genuinely my nan's ashes.
04:09It's not, though, is it?
04:11Can we have a look?
04:13Don't joke about with it, cos it's genuinely real.
04:15Oh, dear me.
04:18LAUGHTER
04:20She had a lovely smile on her face.
04:23There's actually a funny story connected with this.
04:25She died and we cremated her. That's it.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:29If she died in a fire, you would have got a discount.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:34Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, that's my nan you're talking about?
04:38Jon, have you brought any relatives with you or mascots?
04:41Maybe a mascot would be more appropriate.
04:43No, but that's freaking me out.
04:45You should have seen her when she was alive,
04:47with a flick knife and a bottle of vodka.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:52Well, last time I did, I brought a hat
04:55and a little friend of mine called the Countdown Kid.
04:59I remember the Countdown Kid.
05:01I might have brought some more friends. We'll see.
05:04Might be some options under the desk.
05:06What do you mean, options?
05:08I thought we were told to bring a mascot.
05:10Could you bring a few? Cos I'd have brought my grandad's headstone.
05:14Bob, have you brought a mascot?
05:16Yes, I have. What did you bring?
05:18I brought my lucky wig.
05:20There it is.
05:22The first time I wore that was a nightclub in Leeds called Cardigans
05:25and I met my wife.
05:27Is there really a nightclub called Cardigans?
05:29Yeah, it's full of sweaty birds.
05:31LAUGHTER
05:36Adam, have you brought anything along?
05:38Yeah, I have.
05:40When I was three days old, my dad brought this into the hospital for me
05:43and it's a little rabbit for the football team that he supported in Australia.
05:47And they haven't won a premiership since 1971.
05:51So I thought maybe this could be the time that it brings me a bit of luck.
05:55Yeah, I mean, it sounds cursed.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:59So does his grandmother.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:03God bless you, love.
06:05You know, in Australia, this show Countdown in Australia
06:08was called Countdown because in the 80s we had a music show
06:11much like Top Of The Pops that was called Countdown.
06:13What's it called in Australia?
06:15It's called... This is just going to make us sound so simple.
06:18Come on, surely not Australia.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:22What's Countdown called in Australia?
06:24Letters and Numbers.
06:26LAUGHTER
06:28APPLAUSE
06:30It does make us sound simple.
06:34OK, well, over in Dictionary Corner, we have Alex Horne and the Horne Section.
06:38APPLAUSE
06:44Introduce us to the band.
06:46Well, listen, yeah, we can only fit half the band,
06:48so we've got the worst half and we've got...
06:50I'm kidding, my oldest friend.
06:52We've got Ben on drums and John on...
06:54Joe. Joe on trumpet.
06:56And you'll know Will Collier on bass from the Will Collier Septet,
06:59the jazz ensemble that was once described...
07:04LAUGHTER
07:10OK, and with Alex, of course, is Susie Dent.
07:12APPLAUSE
07:17Susie is incredibly bright, but can you tell me this?
07:20My thermos flask keeps hot drinks hot and cold drinks cold,
07:23but how does it know?
07:25LAUGHTER
07:27There's going to be a funny answer to that one. What is it?
07:29Are you asking me? Yeah.
07:31Bob, there's going to be...
07:33LAUGHTER
07:35Is it the flask question? Yes.
07:37Oh, that's for Lee. LAUGHTER
07:39I'll ask my nan.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:43Susie, have you got a favourite word?
07:45Wangdoodle, I like.
07:47Wangdoodle? Not what you think. It's not a smutty drawing.
07:50It just means poppycock.
07:52Poppycock is what a wangdoodle I thought...
07:54LAUGHTER
07:56I thought that's what it meant.
07:58And in charge of numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
08:00APPLAUSE
08:03Rachel is appearing on this year's Strictly Come Dancing.
08:06CHEERING
08:08But TV bosses have told her to wear longer skirts than normal
08:11so viewers don't see too much of her cha-cha-cha.
08:13LAUGHTER
08:15Rachel, who would be your dream contestant?
08:17Erm, on Countdown, probably Ryan Gosling.
08:20What makes you think he'd be very good at sums?
08:22Who said he'd be good at the sums?
08:24LAUGHTER
08:26What's he got that I haven't got? Don't answer that.
08:28LAUGHTER
08:30OK, well, tonight our teams are going to be competing for this,
08:33the Countdown teapot.
08:35CHEERING
08:39All right, let's Countdown, everyone.
08:41Time for our first game. Lee and Bob, you're the first to pick the letters.
08:44Right, well, I'll start with a consonant.
08:47Right, start with B.
08:49Oh, higher.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:52Higher than a B for the game.
08:54G
08:55Oh, oh, is it Robin Gibb?
08:57LAUGHTER
08:59Vowel?
09:00A
09:01Ooh, I've got one!
09:03LAUGHTER
09:04I'll have a vowel.
09:06Oh, please have, ladies.
09:07E
09:08Ooh, I tell you what, if it's an L, we could have bagel.
09:10LAUGHTER
09:11That's for an L, that's for an F.
09:12L, please, Bob.
09:14LAUGHTER
09:15S
09:16Oh, it's all right, we can have more than one bagel.
09:18LAUGHTER
09:20We'll have a consonant, please.
09:22It's an L, watch this.
09:23Get it!
09:24B
09:25Now I've had it.
09:27I know, I've got one.
09:29Consonant.
09:31Y
09:32Ooh, hello.
09:33Vowel.
09:35E
09:36And I'll let Bob do the rest.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:39I'll have a vowel, please.
09:41Right, the last one, O.
09:43OK, for the first time today, let's Countdown.
09:46COUNTDOWN MUSIC PLAYS
09:53LAUGHTER
09:59LAUGHTER
10:13LAUGHTER
10:17LAUGHTER
10:21What have you got?
10:22Whose book was that?
10:23Um, obviously, Lee Mack biography.
10:25What's that? What have you done?
10:27Nothing. I was reading it.
10:29But once I read it, I was destroying the evidence.
10:32It's not like you to be shredding paperwork in case you get followed on with it.
10:35LAUGHTER
10:37APPLAUSE
10:39LAUGHTER
10:45Just my accountant said it'd be a good idea, yeah.
10:48Adam, how many letters?
10:49Five.
10:50Five. Jon?
10:51Five.
10:52Lee, what have you got?
10:53I don't know what to do here, cos I've got a word,
10:56and I'm not sure if it's a word.
10:58Go for it, come on, go for it.
10:59OK. I'm going to go for six.
11:01Six.
11:02Six.
11:03The same, Jimmy. Thank you.
11:05OK, Adam, what's your word?
11:06CAGES
11:07C-A-G-E-S
11:08Jon, what was your five?
11:09I went for CAGY.
11:10Ooh. CAGY.
11:12OK, Bob, what was your six?
11:13My six is SEABAG.
11:15LAUGHTER
11:18As in... As in what?
11:20As in bag of the sea.
11:22The good news is it's in.
11:24Yes!
11:25The bad news is there's only one A.
11:27How can there be only one A in SEABAG?
11:29LAUGHTER
11:33Lee, what is your six-letter word?
11:35Well, brace yourselves.
11:37Susie, if it's not in, get your pen ready, cos it should be.
11:39OK.
11:42BAGSEY
11:44Bagsey?
11:45OK, but you're spelling it E-Y.
11:47Of course I am. Is there any other way?
11:49There is a way of spelling it without an E, but that's for idiots.
11:51How do you spell this, Susie?
11:52That's definitely a word, though.
11:54It's brilliant, but it hasn't got the E.
11:55No, it has.
11:56No, it hasn't.
11:57Oh.
11:58Could they have done any better?
12:00I got BECAUSE with an O, so it's spelt wrong, and...
12:02LAUGHTER
12:04Susie got BOSKIDGE.
12:06BOSKIDGE?
12:07Yeah, it's a mass of trees or shrubs.
12:09OK. So, at the end of that,
12:11Jon and Adam are in the lead with five points.
12:13APPLAUSE
12:17On to our first numbers round.
12:19Jon, Adam, your turn to pick the numbers.
12:21Go for it.
12:22I didn't feel quite comfortable in that round, as myself.
12:25No, no, I sensed that.
12:26I feel underachieved.
12:27Yeah.
12:28So I think if I could just put this on for a moment.
12:33Bonjour, Jimmy.
12:36Je m'appelle l'enfant canton.
12:41Well, one of those words you can't say.
12:44Many words I cannot say.
12:48Bonjour. On y va.
12:50What are your tips for this one?
12:52You actually have a theory about this, don't you?
12:54Pick a number.
12:56And then do it again five times.
13:00Pick a big number.
13:03A big number, please.
13:21This has gone a bit fucking far, hasn't it?
13:26And a target you can have in English.
13:28528.
13:30OK, for a little treat,
13:31shall we get the horn section to play the countdown music?
13:33Could you do that?
13:34Yeah.
13:35OK, here we go.
13:45LAUGHTER
14:00WHISTLE
14:07APPLAUSE
14:15So the target was 528.
14:17Did you get it, Bob?
14:18No.
14:20535.
14:21535, well, close.
14:22OK, so, Lee, how did you do?
14:23528.
14:24528, ooh.
14:27None of them would be proud.
14:29Jon, what did you do?
14:30527.
14:32Sorry, what was that?
14:35527, mate.
14:37Adam, how did you do?
14:38527 as well.
14:39527.
14:40OK, so, Lee, how did you get 528?
14:42OK, so, five times 25 is 500.
14:52Oh, is it not 500?
14:54Not so much. Not today.
14:56LAUGHTER
15:00OK, Adam, how did you get, what did you get?
15:02I got 527.
15:03527, go on.
15:0425 times 4...
15:0625 times 4, 100.
15:07..is 100.
15:08Oh, OK.
15:09Multiply by 5.
15:10It's 500.
15:11And then you add 9 times 3 to that.
15:139 times 3, 27, and one away.
15:15527, well done.
15:16APPLAUSE
15:19Seven points to Adam and Jon.
15:22OK, Rachel, could it be done?
15:24Yep. I could have added to Lee's method and said
15:279 minus 6 over 3 is 7.
15:30Add it to the 125 for 132 and times it by 4.
15:33That's what I said, but just in a different way.
15:40Right, shall we go down a little in Dictionary Corner?
15:42What have you got for us?
15:43Well, Jimmy, I did some research about Countdown and Dictionary Corner
15:47and the music they've had in it.
15:48And over the years, they've had some good...
15:50You know, they've had Quattro and Wakeman and Digents,
15:53but very few drum and bass artists.
15:56Goldie and Ronnie Size, but apart from that,
15:58hardly anyone in Dictionary Corner, so I thought...
16:00LAUGHTER
16:02I thought we'd do a bit of drum and bass.
16:04OK, take it away.
16:05One, two, three, four.
16:06This is drum and bass
16:08This bit's just the bass
16:11Drum bit will be soon
16:13There won't be much of a tune
16:16This is now the drum bit
16:17And although it sounds quite frantic,
16:18it's going to get much faster in the bit that comes soon after
16:20And there's sometimes proper singing, but there's never funny singing
16:23Cos the drum and bass consumer isn't interested in humour
16:25And now there's some more bass
16:28It should be called drum or bass
16:30But soon we'll get them together
16:33And the drums will go hell for leather
16:35Oh, this is drum and bass on Countdown
16:37A bit like Dr Dre on Fountain
16:38I don't think it's proper music, but lots of people seem to use it
16:40Fabio and Groove Rider, Vorderman and Richard White
16:43Letters, numbers, bass and drum kit
16:44And a little man on top it
16:51Consonant
16:54Countdown
17:05OK, so the scores at the moment are
17:06Lee and Bob have no points
17:08John and Adam have 12
17:14And here is your teaser
17:16The words are GAVE HORN
17:18And the clue is
17:19YOU MIGHT HAVE THIS IN THE MORNING
17:21That's GAVE HORN
17:22YOU MIGHT HAVE THIS IN THE MORNING
17:24See you after the break
17:28Welcome back
17:29The answer to the teaser
17:30The words were GAVE HORN
17:32The clue was
17:33YOU MIGHT HAVE THIS IN THE MORNING
17:34It was, of course, HANGOVER
17:36So John and Adam are in the lead
17:37OK, time to mix things up
17:38They've been playing in teams so far
17:40But this round is just for Bob and Adam
17:43So, Bob, your turn to choose
17:45Hi, Rachel
17:46Hi, Bob
17:47Hi, can I have a vowel, please?
17:49E
17:50And another vowel, please
17:52A
17:53And another vowel, please
17:55I
17:56And another vowel, please
17:58A
17:59All vowels, all vowels
18:00No, and another vowel, please
18:02And can you also put the words
18:04OLD MACDONALD OUT OF FUN
18:07And the rest consonants, obviously
18:09M
18:10V
18:12T
18:13And the last one, D
18:15Let's count them
18:40Right, Adam, what have you got?
18:42I've got six
18:44Six. Bob, what have you got?
18:47One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
18:53Well, Adam, what's your measly six?
18:56MOTIVE
18:57M-O-T-I-V-E
18:58Bob, what's your eight?
19:00Yeah, it's...
19:01The letter isn't actually a letter
19:03It's a vowel
19:04It's a vowel
19:05It's a vowel
19:06It's a vowel
19:07Yeah, it's...
19:08The letter isn't actually up there
19:13It's very similar
19:14It's in a similar area
19:15I had MOTIVATE
19:16But there's only one T, so...
19:18I take it back about your measly six
19:20It was actually a very good six, it turns out
19:22Oh, OK, cos if we're using Bob's rules, I've got MOTIVATED
19:26If we're using Bob's rules, I've got UMBRELLA
19:32So there's six points for Adam
19:37Susie, Alex, did they have done any better?
19:39I got a nine, I got INNOVATED
19:41But you have to split the M into two Ns
19:44But that was all I got
19:45Yeah, no, I only got sixes
19:46OK, so at the end of that, Lee and Bob have no points
19:49But John and Adam have 18
19:57Right, now time for Lee and John to go head-to-head
20:00This numbers round is just for them
20:01OK, John, you're to pick the numbers
20:03Come on, Nana!
20:06You're not going to revive her, Lee
20:09This is the one, she'd better bring me some luck
20:11All right, so John, you're picking the numbers
20:13I have...
20:14another hat
20:25There you go
20:26How you doing, mate?
20:29What? You're an Australian who's been castrated?
20:33Apparently that was the case with all of them
20:39Do you know what's lovely is this time I can actually talk to you
20:41French, I'm not across, but Australian
20:43Yeah, how's it going, mate? You doing all right?
20:44Yeah, and all that stuff
20:48I caught a bloody kangaroo before, didn't I?
20:50Yeah, when did you do it?
20:51Just walked past it, there's loads of them in Australia
20:55It's not boat-worthy, is it?
20:56What was his name?
20:57Pouchy
21:00Yeah, I know, Pouchy, he's a good one
21:02Yeah
21:03Yeah
21:04Hit him with my car!
21:07My ute!
21:09G'day, Rachel
21:10You sound like Dee Medner
21:18Okey-dokey
21:22This time I'd like two biggies
21:24Just because we're on zero, if you do me a favour
21:26Can you stay in character when you do the maths as an Australian, then I might win
21:30It's actually very offensive
21:34I'm actually quite hurt
21:38I'd like two biggins and four littlins
21:40No problem
21:41Stick the four littlins in the pouch of the two biggins
21:46Sorry, Rachel, before, when you put them up, you did the French accent
21:49So I think it's only fair that you do the Australian accent as you put the numbers up
21:52Six
21:53Ten
21:54Two
21:55Three
21:56A hundred
21:57And fifty
22:00And the target, one hundred and twenty-two
22:04Well, let's have the countdown clock music done by the horn section again
22:07This time in the style of Samba
22:09Can you do Samba?
22:10Yeah
22:11Go Samba
22:22Go Samba
22:52Incredible skills, boys
22:53OK, John, what did you get?
22:54Four hundred and twenty-four
22:57OK, Lee?
22:58Four hundred and twenty-two
23:00Lee!
23:01How did you do it?
23:02Right, you take that four hundred and twenty-two at the top
23:06Write that down, don't touch it with any of the other numbers
23:08I haven't got any food again, you useless bastard!
23:15I lied to you, I lied to you, I lied!
23:17Nothing!
23:18Nothing!
23:21Sorry, I've been under a lot of stress
23:24I think she died
23:25Well, that was it, was it?
23:26I got nothing
23:27Sorry
23:31When you were writing stuff, you put minus eight there
23:34Sixty-six, there you go
23:36And seventy-eight, where's that from?
23:38I thought she died
23:41That makes sense now, yeah
23:42John, how did you get forty-four?
23:44With the head off, maybe?
23:46No, no, head on
23:49I took that bloody fifty there
23:51And I put the three with it
23:53That's fifty-three there
23:58And then I've done the same with the six and the two
24:00I put them to make an eight
24:03It's very funny, these voices
24:05For some people, but I get a lot of tweets when the show goes out
24:08People who think I'm a dick
24:12And then I did that
24:13You've already done it
24:15Seven points for John
24:18Thank you
24:23What number could it be done?
24:24Four-two-two?
24:25Yep
24:26If you say one hundred minus three times ten is seventy
24:30Times it by six, four-twenty
24:32Another two, four-two-two
24:39OK, so Lee and Bob have no points
24:41Still, none, nothing
24:43It's like they weren't here
24:44And John and Adam, 25
24:49Thank you
24:52And here's your teaser
24:54The words are, Lee's arse
24:56And the clue is, just let it go
24:58That's Lee's arse, just let it go
25:01See you after the break
25:06Welcome back
25:07The answer to the teaser
25:08The words were, Lee's arse
25:10And the clue was, just let it go
25:12It was, of course, releases
25:14OK, before we move on
25:15Rachel, obviously you do the numbers and the letters every week
25:17You do a great job
25:18But I think that area could do with a bit of glamour
25:20Let's bring you an assistant on
25:22Joe Wilkinson, everyone
25:33I'm in a pantomime horse, Jimmy
25:37I can see that
25:38Let's play cardinal!
25:42OK, hold on, Rachel
25:43Before we go any further
25:44Would you want to take the head off him?
25:48It's Eddie the Eagle Edwards, everyone
25:55Eddie, what's going on?
25:56I really don't want to talk about it, Jimmy
25:58I really don't want to talk about it
26:01Here's your money, mate
26:02Thanks
26:05What's going on, Joe?
26:09To be honest with you
26:10You know I'm Rachel's assistant in the evening and that
26:13But she pays me shithole
26:16I do a few odd jobs
26:17Like Eddie pays me 30 quid to be a back of a horse
26:21It's his thing
26:22But I do loads of it
26:23I have to earn extra cash
26:24Like I do a bit of nude life modelling
26:28I'll be honest with you
26:29I don't get paid for that
26:30I just like doing it
26:31I actually don't
26:32I'll be totally honest with you
26:33They don't really want me in the lesson
26:36But that's fair enough
26:37It's a bookbinding class
26:38It's a bookbinding class
26:44Rachel, do you enjoy having Joe as your personal assistant?
26:47Bloody loves it, mate
26:49Well, it does get lonely over here
26:51Just me
26:52I'm quite a long way away from you guys
26:53So at least I've got someone to talk to
26:54Keep her warm
26:56At least today you're kind of coordinated
26:58Your beard matches your hooves
27:01That's how often you get to pay that compliment
27:05Who else could you say that to other than Satan?
27:09OK, Lee and Bob, your turn to choose the letters
27:11Go ahead
27:13Vowel, please
27:14I'll do this, Rachel
27:15This one?
27:16I've got your packed lunch for you
27:17It's your usual
27:19Loaded meat, scotch egg and 40 Rothmans
27:22And you know I'm a veggie
27:23I don't smoke
27:25You're a veggie
27:26Just eat the Rothmans, like usual
27:30Vowel, please
27:31Vowel
27:32Vowel
27:33A
27:35What are they?
27:36A
27:38What are them?
27:39Thank you
27:40Another vowel, thank you
27:45Another vowel, thank you
27:47You're dreaming
27:49I just want him to get repetitive strain injuries
27:52Another vowel, please
27:53This is bullshit
27:57Another vowel, please
28:03Make a letter out of that
28:04Oh, that's rubbish
28:05And the rest consonants, thanks
28:07Cracking stuff
28:10Oh, hello, there's an ant there
28:15Ants!
28:17OK, let's count down
28:35OK
28:51OK, time's up
28:53Adam, what have you got?
28:54Well, if this was in Australia, I would have just taken the five vowels
28:57because it's an Australian word, meaning things are going really well
29:00Oh, yeah
29:02But aside from that, I'm going to say five
29:06Five, OK
29:07Jon, what have you got?
29:08A seven
29:10Bob?
29:11Five
29:13Lee?
29:15One
29:17Oh, sorry, no, I thought there was an I in there
29:21No, nothing
29:26OK, Bob, what was your five?
29:28Well, it's seats
29:30Seats?
29:31Yeah, that's a four, isn't it?
29:34Very best
29:37OK, Adam
29:39I had eons, A-E-O-N-S
29:42I make words, I make...
29:46Jon?
29:47Treason
29:48Cool, very good
29:50Very, very good
29:51Seven points to Jon
29:52Seven points to Jon
30:00Susie, Alex, what good have they got?
30:02Well, I got restaurant for ten
30:05But Susie...
30:08Susie found a nine, so did all right as well
30:11Aeronauts are there
30:12Oh, lovely
30:15Aeronauts
30:16Aeronauts
30:21So, at the end of that, Jon and Adam have 32
30:23Lee, Bob, you have no points
30:31On to another numbers round
30:32OK, Jon and Adam, you're to pick their numbers
30:39Well, this is either going to be Mexican or Chinese
30:42Either way, it's going to be racist
30:44Oh
30:46Hello, my friend
30:47Hello
30:49That could still be either
30:54There was just a moment in his eyes then
30:56I saw it, which went
30:57I really wish I hadn't done this one
31:00It feels to me this is the only thing on television
31:02that makes the Dolmio ads look OK
31:06You people are ignorant
31:10Adam, pick the numbers
31:11I would say Jon pick the numbers, but we could be here for days
31:15Go on
31:16Two bigs and the rest littles, please
31:18Sure, gringo
31:19Two big
31:20Four
31:22OK, here we go
31:23Here comes the Mexican
31:24Oh, two
31:27Six
31:28Five
31:29Three
31:31Seventy-five
31:33Twenty-five
31:36Three to seven
31:37OK, Hornsection, could you do this maybe in a hillbilly style this time?
31:41Let's count down
31:42Three, four
32:08LAUGHTER
32:20Bob, what have you got?
32:22Three to seven
32:23Fantastic skills
32:24Lee, what have you got?
32:26Three to eight
32:27OK, well, I mean, great for you
32:31Jon, what have you got?
32:32I have 327, Jimmy
32:34OK, Adam, what have you got?
32:35I got 328
32:36OK, Bob, go on, you can get off the mark, you can have your first scores on the door
32:40Oh, it's not going to happen, Jimmy
32:44I've got 322
32:46Well, a second ago you said it was 327
32:49I know, I thought it was
32:50But the second...
32:51Well, I wrote 327, didn't I?
32:53Well, that's fine, that'll do
32:55OK, Jon
32:56Seventy-five
32:57OK, so 75
32:58Plus 25
32:59I don't really like adding up, I tend to black out, but I'll give it a...
33:04Plus five
33:05Equals 100, you're well off, mate
33:08Plus five
33:10Sort of run out of space now
33:15Yeah
33:17Times three
33:20So this is where you start, on this side
33:22Aha, spot on
33:25Times three is 315, and then six twos are 12, and add that up
33:31He's bloody right, you know
33:34Jon and Adam, you get ten points
33:41And so at the moment, Lee and Bob have no points
33:44Jon and Adam are inching ahead with 42
33:51Time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner
33:53Alex Horne, what have you got for us?
33:54We're going to tell you a story, a children's story
33:57Combining music and spelling, if that's all right
34:01We're going to spell out some of the words in the story using musical letters
34:05So A to G are the notes
34:07So it's about a bee
34:09So Joe, can you... or Nick...
34:10It is Joe, isn't it?
34:11Do you want to give us a B?
34:13And then an E
34:14And then an E
34:15So that's B, so that's how it's going to work
34:17And the B in the story is...
34:18There aren't many letters to play with, so the B is called Bag Face
34:23Excellent, take it away, yeah
34:24Gentle children's story
34:32Once upon a time, there was a bee called Bag Face
34:36B-A-G-F-A-C-E
34:40That's how it works
34:42Story about a bee
34:44Bag Face had a lot of emotional baggage
34:48B-A-G-G-A-G-E
34:52That's a bee
34:56So Bag Face had a lot of emotional baggage
35:00So Bag Face, he went to bed
35:04B-E-D
35:10We're halfway
35:12Poor old bedridden Bag Face
35:19A-C-E
35:22Bag Face
35:24He felt caged
35:27A-G-E-D
35:31And then one day, Bag Face was found hanging in an apartment in Tokyo
35:39which he'd rented
35:41by a sort of noose which he'd made out of a noodle
35:45which he'd strung up and was surrounded by just debris, detritus
35:50It's just a bee
35:51And he was dead
35:54D-E-A-D
35:56D-E-A-D
36:06OK, here is your final teaser
36:08The words are COCKTRAP
36:10And the clue is, it's fun to have one of these around
36:13That's COCKTRAP
36:14It's fun to have one of these around
36:16See you after the break
36:21Welcome back
36:22The answer to the teaser
36:23The words were COCKTRAP
36:25And the clue was, it's fun to have one of these around
36:27The answer was, of course, CRACKPOT
36:31OK, time for the final letters game
36:33Lee and Adam, you're to choose
36:34Is this the final round, or are there two more rounds?
36:36There's a letters and a numbers
36:38and then the conundrum
36:39which is often the crucial conundrum, we call it
36:41when it makes the difference
36:43Well, if you made it 100 points, it would be crucial
36:45Just saying
36:47Jimmy, I've got the rule book here
36:50The what?
36:51The special rule book
36:52OK
36:54Oi, piss off
36:58Who's it written by?
36:59Not important
37:01Yes, it can be 100 points
37:02Let's play Countdown!
37:05That's the horse's mouth
37:06Yeah
37:07He was the back end of the horse, but fine
37:10Jon, pick your letters
37:12Consonant
37:14W
37:16I'm going to say vowel now
37:17because I've already got a six-letter word in my head
37:19What do you need?
37:20I need an A, mate
37:21An A, mate
37:23You're shit out of luck
37:25Well, it can still work
37:26It'll just be someone who winks
37:32I'll have a consonant, please
37:35Thanks, Joe
37:36It's getting a bit flirty over there
37:37A bit flirty
37:41It's taken a bloody year, mate
37:44I've just remembered
37:45the bitch didn't do a will
37:47She's reminding me
37:48Sorry, carry on
37:50She's sending you messages
37:52Oh, she is
37:53If she was sending him a message
37:54it would have been wanker
38:05I'll have another consonant, please
38:09N
38:10Then I will have a vowel, please
38:12Oh, she will
38:14Lovely
38:16And another vowel, please
38:18Good lad
38:20I can make that
38:21No, it's all he's got
38:23And a consonant, please
38:26K
38:27Ooh
38:28And another one, please
38:30It's hot in up there
38:31R
38:32And a vowel, please
38:35Oh, it's another I
38:37Let's count down
38:47LAUGHTER
39:10What have you got?
39:14A four
39:17OK, four
39:18Adam, what have you got?
39:19You're not going to accept
39:20the Australian Town Will Newcree, are you?
39:26In that case, four
39:27I'll go four
39:28You've got a four
39:29So, two fours over here
39:30I don't suppose you're going to take
39:31the Yorkshire Darts champion
39:32Will Newcree, are you?
39:37I'll go for a five, then
39:38Bob?
39:39I'll go for a six
39:40Ooh, hello
39:41OK, let's hear the fours first
39:42Adam, what have you got?
39:43Kiln
39:44K-I-L-N
39:45That's what I had
39:46Is that what you had?
39:47Well, I've got a wink as well
39:49Kiln's a nicer word, isn't it?
39:50Unless you hear it in Glasgow
39:55What are you doing at the weekend?
39:57Kiln
40:01Now, there is a chance here
40:03that Bob and Lee could get some points
40:05They claim to have a five and a six
40:06You guys only had four
40:07So, Lee, what's your five-letter word?
40:09You'll know this
40:10That thing you do, right
40:11when you're about to crowl
40:12You know, when you're
40:13the crowl thing you do
40:14Yeah
40:15As you know, it's called the crowl
40:17and it's when the drumming
40:19That's enough of that nonsense
40:20So, what's your word?
40:22Crowl
40:25K-R-O-U-L
40:27Crowl
40:28It's not there yet
40:29What do you mean, yet?
40:30Well, keep reading
40:34The noise a Japanese lion makes
40:41Bob, it's all on you
40:42Come on, Bob
40:43Well
40:44What's your six?
40:45Here it comes
40:46My six is
40:47as in the one delivering the wink
40:58A wink-or
40:59OK
41:00Is that in the dictionary?
41:01We're all a winky, aren't we?
41:02Yeah
41:03There's no wink-or or winky
41:05Could they do any better than four?
41:06Four is tops, I'm afraid
41:08OK
41:09So, at the end of that
41:10John and Adam have 46 points
41:13Lee and Bob have no points
41:18OK
41:20Last chance to pick up points before the conundrum
41:23Lee and Bob, you're to pick the numbers
41:25Right
41:26No, yeah, you're going to have to do it
41:27My curry's arrived
41:32Stupid
41:34Ooh, sac-a-loo
41:35I forgot I ordered that
41:37With the risk of sounding like Madonna at an orphanage
41:39I'll have two big ones and four little ones, please
41:42You know, in the whole time I've been on Countdown
41:44nobody's finished with nought
41:47Where's the fucking nine?
41:51OK
41:52Six, nine, two and nine
41:53and the large two, 75 and 25
41:57and the target, 412
41:59OK, we'll get the Countdown music from the horn section again
42:01this time in a jazz style
42:03OK, right now
42:09OK
42:40Fuck you
42:42OK, what have you got, guys?
42:44I think I'm about 432
42:46All right, John, what have you got?
42:47416
42:49416, OK, could be something
42:51but you're up against very stiff competition this evening
42:54Lee, 412, what did you get?
42:56Keep him talking a minute
43:00Bob, how did you do?
43:01Up an 87
43:0387, you say?
43:04Yeah
43:06Come on, Lee
43:07Lee, what have you got?
43:08I've got four...
43:10Have you nought?
43:11Four...
43:12Zero
43:13Nine!
43:14How did you do it?
43:15How?
43:16Yeah
43:17Hang on, I didn't know it was a two-part question
43:20Right, you get the 75 and you times it by the six
43:23Yeah
43:24And that equals...
43:25450
43:26Oh, I thought it was 412
43:28You get the nine
43:29Add the nine to make 459
43:31Yeah
43:32And then you get the...
43:34There we go
43:36You do something and it ends up with a number, I don't know
43:38I mean, it's just ridiculous, it's too hard
43:41OK, John, how did you get 416?
43:4375 times six is 450
43:45minus the 25 and minus the nine
43:49And the 25 and the nine
43:51Yeah
43:52Seven points to John
43:58Rachel, could it be done 412?
44:00Yeah, if you say 75 minus two is 73
44:04times by six is 438
44:07minus the 25 or 413
44:11and then nine over nine is one
44:13to take away four and two
44:14Not bad, is she?
44:15Not bad
44:19Joe, can I just...
44:21Can I just point out how invaluable you were during that last bit?
44:24You're welcome
44:26Let's have a little recap of the scores
44:27So at the moment, John and Adam are in the lead
44:29They have 53 points
44:30Bob and Lee have no points
44:32Yeah, but we've got active sex lives, so fuck them
44:37OK, for this episode of Countdown's Countdown Only
44:39the conundrum is worth
44:40and Joe has checked the rule book on this
44:42it's worth 100 points
44:44OK, right
44:45So it's a sunset situation
44:47Willing to go along with a joke, but we'll be livid if we lose
44:53I think you're going to get the conundrum
44:54because I can't press my buzzer without fingering your dead nan
45:03I'm taking this seriously
45:04but I'm just going to blow my nan's dead skin dust off the monitor
45:07so I can see the conundrum
45:08Sorry, Nan, I'm just going to move you over there
45:12Fingers on buzzers
45:13It's time for today's crucial, worth 100 points
45:15Countdown conundrum
45:22Sorry, can I just say
45:23this isn't the answer
45:25but I'm surrounded by my dry nan
45:27and you put damp on cold
45:29What's that about?
45:30Are you rubbing it in?
45:34That's not the answer, carry on
45:35Start the clock
45:38What have you got?
45:39Well, I don't know
45:40What have you got?
45:41I've got my damp on cold, he drowns, he can't do it again
45:42John, what have you got?
45:43Is it unclamped?
45:44Let's have a look
45:45Let's have a look
45:58Well, the final scores are
45:59Lee and Bob have no points
46:01the lowest ever score on Countdown
46:03John and Adam have had the highest ever score on Countdown
46:06153 points, congratulations
46:11Thanks to all our panellists
46:12our wonderful studio audience
46:14and all of you for watching at home
46:15That's it from us, goodnight
46:44Thank you