First broadcast 21st February 2014.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
John Pohlhammer
James Corden
Jack Dee
Joe Lycett
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
John Pohlhammer
James Corden
Jack Dee
Joe Lycett
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:30Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
00:33John Locke,
00:35Jon Richardson,
00:37Jack Dean,
00:39James Corden,
00:41Joe Lycett,
00:43Susie Dent,
00:45and Rachel Riley.
00:47Now, welcome your host,
00:49Jimmy Carr!
00:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:55Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
00:58a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:00Did you know, for example,
01:02in 1996, Countdown series winner Adam Acton
01:05asked for the CD-ROM of the dictionary as his prize
01:08because he was a vegan and he didn't approve of the leather-bound version?
01:12That's right, ladies, a pedantic vegan Countdown winner
01:15with a CD-ROM of the dictionary form an orderly queue.
01:20Apes use 40 gestures to communicate.
01:23They also know one word,
01:25which means this bath is too hot.
01:29And the word chocolate was first recorded in English in 1604.
01:33But if they didn't have chocolate until then,
01:35what was the War Of The Roses all about?
01:37LAUGHTER
01:41APPLAUSE
01:43Right, let's get started.
01:45APPLAUSE
01:52OK, let's meet tonight's players.
01:54First up, it's Sean Lock.
01:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:00Sean Lock is very much a man of the people,
02:02and those people are angry dads who drink too much.
02:05LAUGHTER
02:09And joining Sean tonight, it's Jack D.
02:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:18Jack D's stage persona is grumpy and miserable,
02:21but in real life, he's the opposite, miserable and grumpy.
02:24LAUGHTER
02:26OK, up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson.
02:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:34This is interesting. At school, Jon was captain of the book team,
02:37which is another way of saying king of the virgins.
02:40LAUGHTER
02:42I was captain of the book team at primary school,
02:44and I think I found everyone was a virgin at one point.
02:47And Jon's team-mate, it's James Gordon.
02:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:56James is a devoted West Ham fan,
02:58so if he loses tonight, he'll be more than equipped to deal with it.
03:01LAUGHTER
03:03Do you and Jon have a game plan this evening?
03:05We're very much playing to win, Jimmy.
03:07That's our game plan.
03:09We appreciate and respect the opposition that we're up against,
03:12but we're going to take them to fucking Chinatown.
03:15LAUGHTER
03:17After the show, we're all going out for dinner.
03:19LAUGHTER
03:24James, letters or numbers, where are you strongest?
03:26I would hate to say that I was strong in either category.
03:29Were you good at school? Oh, no. Awful. Awful. Terrible.
03:33I have two GCSEs, above C. Really? Yeah.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:38Drama and English.
03:40All I needed, bad boy.
03:42LAUGHTER
03:44APPLAUSE
03:48Jon. Hi.
03:50Have you noticed you've been getting more attention from the ladies
03:53since you've been winning on Countdown?
03:55LAUGHTER
03:57Well, technically, yes.
03:59It's gone from zero to one.
04:01LAUGHTER
04:03I have a girlfriend, and she sometimes pays me attention.
04:07But in terms of, like, the wider market, not really so much.
04:12So, hang on, you've got your girlfriend after Countdown?
04:16I've got everything. Every good thing that has ever happened to me
04:19happened after Countdown.
04:21But did she specifically say,
04:23-"Hi, I saw you on Countdown. Do you want to go out?"
04:26What else could it have been?
04:28Didn't suddenly get a six-pack, did I?
04:30I won Countdown, then I got a girlfriend.
04:32You do the math.
04:34OK, so, Sean, what advice would you give your team-mate Jack?
04:37It's his first time on the show.
04:39It doesn't take as long as you think it's going to take.
04:42LAUGHTER
04:46APPLAUSE
04:51It flies by. Honestly, at the start, you think,
04:53-"Oh, Christ, how long is this going to go on?"
04:55But once you get quizzing, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
04:58It's funny, cos I don't get that feeling when I watch it.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:05OK, Jack, you and Sean have...
05:07How can I put this politely?
05:09You've got wisdom and experience on your side.
05:11How are you going to cope against these two young bucks?
05:14What? Well, you mean cos we're older?
05:17You're old. You don't need the er.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:21You two make the two Muppets who sit in the box look...
05:24LAUGHTER
05:26You make Waldorf and Stanley look like Ant and Dec.
05:29LAUGHTER
05:33Listen, I'm here to do my best.
05:35It's not... This isn't my forte, this kind of thing.
05:39I bet she heard your quote.
05:41LAUGHTER
05:44My main thing is overcoming my excitement at being here.
05:47LAUGHTER
05:49Then I'll be able to concentrate.
05:51If you do win, how will you celebrate?
05:53Usual thing, Jimmy. You know, a few pints and let off a flare.
05:57LAUGHTER
06:01Yes, yes, yes, yes.
06:07Have you got a mascot?
06:09I have my lucky Mr T and it got nicked on the train up here,
06:12so I've had to make one.
06:14My Mr T.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:24His head is actually a tea bag.
06:26LAUGHTER
06:28What's lucky about that Mr T?
06:30Well, we don't know yet cos he's new.
06:32LAUGHTER
06:36He's a potentially lucky mascot.
06:38Oh, no!
06:40LAUGHTER
06:42Somewhere, Mr T's fallen to the ground holding his knee down.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:48OK. Jon, have you got a mascot?
06:50Well, what I've brought is something...
06:52I watched one of these shows back, you know.
06:54He says, pretending he doesn't watch them all back for training purposes.
06:58I liked it, enjoyed it.
07:00What I didn't like is the bit where after you get something right,
07:03the camera zooms in on you and I didn't realise how punchable I am.
07:07LAUGHTER
07:09I've got novelty apparel so that if I get something right,
07:12I'll pop something on so that I look less of a smug twat.
07:15LAUGHTER
07:17Do we not see this until you get something right?
07:19It would be cocky to bring it out now.
07:22LAUGHTER
07:24Now, James. Have you got a mascot?
07:26I do have a mascot, yeah. I have this guy.
07:29We don't actually have a name for it already, but in my...
07:32LAUGHTER
07:35It's not... This was my great-great-great,
07:40possibly great-grandfather's,
07:43because he used to be a market trader
07:46and he would take his stall to market every day
07:50and this is a replica of the horse that he used.
07:53LAUGHTER
07:57I'm going to level with you, Jay.
07:59I didn't bring a mascot because...
08:02And the producer said,
08:04we've got to have one and she said,
08:06why don't you take this off?
08:08LAUGHTER
08:10Why don't you think, yeah, let's give him a Shire horse?
08:13APPLAUSE
08:15That's, um...
08:17I don't know, you know...
08:19LAUGHTER
08:23I'm not...
08:26We're going to be fine, buddy, don't worry.
08:29If you don't win this evening, you know why.
08:31He's very unlucky to smash a Shire horse.
08:34Is it unlucky to smash a Shire horse?
08:36Don't say that, I didn't know that.
08:38It's like nine years bad luck.
08:40Oh, piss off. That's not a thing.
08:43It's not, is it?
08:45LAUGHTER
08:47OK, Sean, have you got a mascot?
08:49Yes, I've got my lucky rabbit's foot.
08:54Whereabouts?
08:56Oh.
08:58I keep it in this pie.
09:00LAUGHTER
09:05That is a real pie, isn't it? I can smell that pastry.
09:08No, I think the pastry's real. I wouldn't take a slice of it.
09:12Yeah, but that's Sean's.
09:14Let's just chuck it over...
09:16No, that would be outrageous, don't do that.
09:19LAUGHTER
09:24I think we can see how that was done, yeah.
09:28LAUGHTER
09:34APPLAUSE
09:39Don't worry, I'll clean it up.
09:41LAUGHTER
09:43Sorry about that. Oh, no problem at all.
09:45I got carried away with myself.
09:47Ladies and gentlemen, our teams.
09:49APPLAUSE
09:52Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Joe Lycett.
09:59Joe is bisexual, so although he's in Dictionary Corner today,
10:03he'd be equally at home in Vaginary Corner.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:14OK, Joe, do you watch the normal Countdown?
10:16Yes, Des.
10:18LAUGHTER
10:21I've only got to about midway through series three,
10:24so don't tell me what happens.
10:27I don't... I don't want to spoil the...
10:30Carol's looking amazing.
10:32I mean, they said she had a lot of work done,
10:35but that's incredible, isn't it?
10:37And with Joe, of course, is Susie Dent.
10:40APPLAUSE
10:43Susie likes her books like I like my women, covered in leather.
10:48New words go into the dictionary every year.
10:50Are there any that haven't made it that you wish had?
10:52What about a word for having beautiful buttocks,
10:55which was very common in the 16th century, and that's calipagian.
10:58But I think I should go in. Calipagian.
11:01Calipagian? Yes, if you want to chat someone up,
11:03tell them they're calipagian.
11:05LAUGHTER
11:07OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
11:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
11:13In 2009, Rachel was recruited by the Post Office
11:16to advise holidaymakers how to make the most from their holiday currency
11:20in an initiative called
11:22Someone At The Post Office Wants To Meet Rachel Riley.
11:25Now, maths, why bother, Rachel?
11:28Well, it's the only truly universal language, isn't it?
11:32The only truly universal... What about love?
11:35Or English?
11:37LAUGHTER
11:39Well, you need it for when you're going shopping
11:41or you're doing your finances or your taxes.
11:44LAUGHTER
11:46APPLAUSE
11:53OK, for tonight, the prize the teams will be competing for are these.
11:56His and hers Countdown tracksuits.
11:58APPLAUSE
12:02We were not allowed to model the tracksuit
12:04cos there can't be jimmies inside.
12:06We were not allowed to model the tracksuit
12:08cos there can't be jimmies in tracksuits on telly anymore.
12:11LAUGHTER
12:13APPLAUSE
12:16OK, that's Countdown, everyone. Time for the first game.
12:19Jon and James, you're first to pick the letters.
12:21We'll have a consonant, please, Rachel.
12:23Lovely, good start. S
12:25And let's have a vowel.
12:27O
12:29That's an excellent start.
12:31LAUGHTER
12:33Yeah, I'm already well into this.
12:36Let's have a consonant and I hope it's a B.
12:38Go for B.
12:40Fingers crossed for the B.
12:42Ah, T.
12:44Can we have another consonant, please?
12:46C
12:48And another vowel, please.
12:50I
12:52And another consonant, please.
12:54D
12:56And another consonant, please.
12:58B
13:00And a vowel, please.
13:02U
13:04And a consonant, please.
13:06And the last one, H.
13:08OK, so for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
13:34CLOCK CHIMES
13:41OK, Jon, what have you got?
13:43Eight. James?
13:45I've got five. Sean?
13:47Five. Jack?
13:49I haven't got a word at all.
13:51OK, Sean, what did you get?
13:53Thuds. James, what did you get?
13:55I've got... I've got bitch.
13:57LAUGHTER
13:59OK. It's not allowed, actually.
14:01I haven't got that in this dictionary here.
14:03LAUGHTER
14:05APPLAUSE
14:09Jon, what did you get?
14:11This is like a young people's word,
14:13so I don't know if it's in the dictionary yet,
14:15but it's what I get called a lot by.
14:17You know, the ute.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:21The term for a man like me, with my build, is a butch sod.
14:25LAUGHTER
14:27APPLAUSE
14:33It's an old Yorkshire term.
14:35It's been sort of reclaimed by the youth,
14:38so when I walk past a guy,
14:40it's one of those butch sods, isn't it?
14:42LAUGHTER
14:44What else could they have had, Dictionary Corner?
14:46We found a seven, which was outbids.
14:50Oh, nice.
14:52OK, so five points to each team.
14:54APPLAUSE
14:58OK, on to our first numbers round.
15:00Sean and Jack, your turn to pick the numbers.
15:02Um, I've never understood, looking at it now,
15:05why the numbers are all face down.
15:08LAUGHTER
15:10That doesn't help us in any way.
15:12If we saw all the numbers, it would make no difference to us.
15:15It builds a tension.
15:16Because it all depends on that one up there.
15:18You've got the big reveal each time.
15:20OK, we'll have two from the top, Rachel,
15:22and all the rest from however many we need.
15:25Thanks, Sean.
15:27Four small... All right, first one, four.
15:29Ooh! Ooh!
15:31Ooh!
15:3525. 75.
15:37So that was good, wasn't it?
15:39Target 840.
15:41OK, and your time starts now.
15:43MUSIC
16:02MUSIC
16:13So the target was 840. Sean, did you get it?
16:16I think so.
16:17Oh, OK. Jack?
16:18No.
16:20You seem very confident, Jack.
16:22No, I'm very confident. I didn't get it.
16:24You definitely didn't get it.
16:25James, did you get it?
16:26I got 824.
16:28Ah, OK.
16:30Basically, no, you didn't get it.
16:33All right. I did my best.
16:36Jon, did you?
16:37Yes, I think so.
16:39OK, Sean, how did you do it?
16:4110 x 75.
16:4210.
16:43750.
16:44750, yeah.
16:454 x 25 is 100.
16:47Yeah.
16:48Add them together.
16:49And then minus the 8 and the 2.
16:51Well done, lovely.
16:52Perfect, 840.
16:54APPLAUSE
16:58And, Jon, is that how you did it?
17:00No.
17:01I did 25 minus 8 x 2.
17:0425 minus 8 x 2 is 9.
17:07And then added that on to the 75.
17:10For 84.
17:11And times by 10.
17:12Lovely, 840.
17:14APPLAUSE
17:1510 points for both teams. Well done.
17:19OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
17:21Joe, what have you got for us?
17:22Well, Des...
17:23LAUGHTER
17:25I like writing letters, particularly letters of complaint.
17:29And I recently got a parking fine on Christmas Eve
17:33in Birmingham City Centre, so I wrote this letter of complaint.
17:37Now, my friends say that they think I went in too heavy.
17:40I don't think I did. I wrote,
17:42Dear Bastards...
17:43LAUGHTER
17:45I think that's fair, isn't it?
17:46I got a parking ticket in Birmingham City Centre
17:49on the 24th of December.
17:51You may be more familiar with this date's more popular name,
17:54Christmas Eve.
17:56I was in town buying food and toys
17:58for some sick and starving children...
18:01LAUGHTER
18:02..that I look after in a local orphanage,
18:04plus a small gift for my ageing mother, brackets,
18:07some novelty chocolates in the shape of male genitalia...
18:10LAUGHTER
18:11..perhapsly named cocklets.
18:13When I returned to my car,
18:15you can imagine my surprise and disappointment.
18:18To find a parking ticket was affixed to the windscreen.
18:21I died as Jesus did on Christmas Day.
18:24LAUGHTER
18:26Forgive these sinners, they know not what they do.
18:28That's actually Easter, but I got confused.
18:30LAUGHTER
18:31I may have also chased your parking enforcement officer
18:34shouting, Die, Judas.
18:35LAUGHTER
18:38I am willing to offer as payment
18:40a bottle of sherry, Christmas cheer and all that.
18:43If you fail to pay within 14 days,
18:45it will be reduced to half a bottle.
18:47LAUGHTER
18:48If you refuse this offer,
18:49I will pay the fine using money from the orphanage,
18:51which will force me to starve one of the weaker children.
18:54LAUGHTER
18:55His name is Graham. I attached a picture...
18:58LAUGHTER
18:59..to...
19:00LAUGHTER
19:01..me as a child.
19:03He's a six-year-old boy with fair hair and the voice of an angel.
19:06LAUGHTER
19:07I also put P.S.
19:08Just to be absolutely clear,
19:10if you do not cancel the fine, I will kill a child.
19:12LAUGHTER
19:14APPLAUSE
19:19Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Lycett.
19:21APPLAUSE
19:23So, the scores at the moment, both teams have 15 points
19:26and here is your first teaser.
19:28The words are D's ring and the clue is he really should change it.
19:31That's D's ring, he really should change it.
19:33See you after the break.
19:34APPLAUSE
19:36Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were D's ring
19:39and the clue was he really should change it.
19:41It was, of course, redesign.
19:43So, both teams have 15 points. Time to mix things up.
19:46They've been playing in teams so far, but this next game is just for Jack and John.
19:50So, Jack, your turn to choose.
19:52Can we have a consonant, please?
19:54Thank you. Start with M.
19:56And another consonant.
19:58D.
19:59And a vowel.
20:01A.
20:03And a consonant.
20:05C.
20:06C.
20:07And a vowel, please.
20:09E.
20:10And a vowel.
20:12I.
20:13Consonant.
20:15R.
20:16Consonant.
20:18L.
20:19Consonant.
20:21The last one, S.
20:23OK, your time starts now.
20:37LAUGHTER
20:45LAUGHTER
20:57Jack, what have you got?
20:59Ah, erm...
21:02I've got six.
21:04John, what did you get?
21:05It's like the bee that wouldn't be welcomed in the hive.
21:08LAUGHTER
21:12Hepatitis B.
21:15Er, John, what did you get?
21:17I've got a nine.
21:19A nine? OK. Jack?
21:21I've got scalar.
21:22You know, if you live in a soft-water area,
21:24you have to scale your kettle sometimes.
21:26You have to put that stuff in the kettle, as opposed to descaling it.
21:30LAUGHTER
21:31Scalar is great. Yeah.
21:33What is a scalar?
21:34Somebody who scales something.
21:36As in, climbs it, rather than put scales on.
21:39Yeah.
21:40Why would you put scales on?
21:42If you were God, and you were making fish...
21:45LAUGHTER
21:49I just can't have a normal conversation with you, can you, Sean?
21:53I've been flying off the handle a lot recently.
21:56Very angry. Very angry about everything.
21:59If only you could see what it does to me.
22:02Well, I'm not the person you want me to be, Jack.
22:06OK, let's hear this nine. Come on.
22:08It's a... It's a West Country term.
22:12Here we go.
22:13It's actually an STD that you can catch in the Bristol area.
22:17They say, I've got to go to the doctors cos I've got chlamydus.
22:29Have you got chlamydus, Susie?
22:35For the first time, I'm really hoping I have.
22:39LAUGHTER
22:44No, clam diggers is as close as we get.
22:47It was Kanye West's less successful song.
22:50Yeah. I'm saying, is she a clam digger?
22:56Right, six points to Sean and Jack.
23:01Could they have done any better? Was there anything else in there, Joe?
23:04There's also two eights.
23:06Miracles and declaims.
23:09OK, so at the end of that,
23:11Jon and James have 15, Sean and Jack now have 21.
23:19Right, now time for Sean and James to go head-to-head.
23:22Oh, shit.
23:24James, you're picking the numbers.
23:26OK, I would like two from the top,
23:29one from the bottom.
23:31Jon's nodding.
23:32Another one from the bottom.
23:35One from the middle.
23:39One more.
23:40And the one in the bottom corner on that side.
23:43It's all yours.
23:44Right, we've got four.
23:46OK.
23:47Five.
23:48OK.
23:49Nine.
23:50OK.
23:51Seven.
23:52Yeah.
23:5375.
23:54I've got this. I've already got it. I know exactly what this is.
23:56Target 434.
23:57OK, your time starts now.
23:59OK.
24:04Oh, shit.
24:21I don't know what I'm doing.
24:28OK, so the target was 434.
24:30James, did you get it?
24:33That went quicker than I thought it was going to, Jimmy, I'll be honest.
24:37Yeah, I was hoping that Jon was going to do it as well, secretly,
24:41and I would just copy what was on his paper.
24:43The problem with the strategy is I didn't tell Jon that,
24:47and he thought I was doing it, so...
24:51So... What did you get?
24:53It's... I've got it, actually.
24:58OK.
24:59I've actually worked it out.
25:01How did you...?
25:03How did you do it?
25:05What I did was I went 75...
25:10Just trying to look at my writing, I can't work out...
25:14I can't work out whether I've done a plus here or a...
25:17I think you are, mate. I think you are.
25:19Yeah, sorry. I think it's so fast that I don't...
25:22So I did 75 plus 25.
25:2675 plus 25.
25:28Yeah.
25:29100.
25:30Yeah, that's what I was going to say.
25:33Plus nine.
25:34Yeah, plus nine. I like it.
25:36Which makes it, I think, 109. Is that right?
25:38Yeah, that's right.
25:40And then I times it by four.
25:42Well, good play, good play.
25:44Yeah, which takes it to... I've got down four, three, six.
25:47Yeah, well done.
25:49And then I just did minus...
25:54And then I did plus five.
25:57Oh, well done.
26:01Thanks. Thanks.
26:07How did you get on, Big Dick?
26:11I got four, two, seven.
26:12Ah, I see why you did that, yeah.
26:16How did you do that? There's potentially five points for that, Sean.
26:19Four times 25 is 100.
26:21Yeah.
26:22Times five is 500.
26:25Seven, nine to 63.
26:27Seven, nine.
26:28Take it away.
26:2963 for 537.
26:32No, take it away.
26:33Sorry, 437.
26:34Take it away from 500.
26:35437.
26:36Oh, yeah, I got 437.
26:41It's a rush.
26:42OK, so no-one gets any points.
26:45No-one gets any points.
26:46What the fuck?!
26:50There is a suspicion.
26:52I'm not saying this, but the producers are...
26:54Just be careful, Jimmy.
26:55Cos if you besmirch James, you besmirch me as well.
26:59And I will not be accused of cheating.
27:01Who are these producers?
27:03Do they want only one team on the rest of the show,
27:05cos they're going to get it?
27:08They think, and they're probably way off here,
27:11but they think that they could see a piece of paper coming down.
27:15I mean, they use the phrase blatant.
27:20Why does Sean not get any points?
27:22Sean declared the wrong number, so no-one gets any points there.
27:25Bullshit!
27:28Sean and James have 15 points, Sean and Jack have 21.
27:34Time for Daryl to go into Dictionary Corner.
27:36Daryl, what have you got for us?
27:38So, it's another sort of letter for you, Des.
27:43I have been trying to sell fake stories to newspapers.
27:47And this is one I tried to sell to the Sun newspaper.
27:50I'll just read it to you.
27:51I wrote,
27:52I was recently walking through London's Soho
27:54and I saw Matt Baker from the BBC One show on his phone in the street.
27:58He seemed angry about something,
28:00and at one point he was so angry that, to my amazement,
28:03he tried to kick a pigeon.
28:06He had about three attempts, and on one of them he did clip its wing.
28:09He was shouting what sounded like,
28:11die pigeon prick.
28:13This didn't work in any way, I've never met Matt Baker.
28:16I managed to get some pictures.
28:17I was wondering how much you might be interested in buying them for.
28:20I got a reply from the Sun newspaper within two minutes.
28:24It said,
28:25Joe, kicking a pigeon?
28:27That is pretty shitty for a One show bloke.
28:30It's quite colloquial for a first email back, I think.
28:34Can you send me the pictures? Cheers.
28:36I can't give his real name for legal reasons, so I call him Rodney.
28:40I said,
28:41Rodney,
28:42my lawyer says I shouldn't send you the full pictures
28:44until I have an offer from you as to how much you'll pay for them.
28:47I've attached a cropped version of one of the shots for the time being.
28:51Thank you so much for asking.
28:55Any response?
28:56He replied,
28:57that's a photo of a pigeon.
29:00Very astute.
29:01Here's my photo of a pigeon.
29:03He attached that one on the top there.
29:07He also attached a picture of Matt Baker
29:09and said, can you send me a picture of this man kicking a pigeon?
29:13So I sent him a curveball and I just said,
29:15is that a picture of Matt Baker?
29:17I thought he was Chinese.
29:20LAUGHTER
29:31He replied, you thought he was Chinese?
29:34You mean you have a picture of a Chinese man kicking a pigeon?
29:40I said, yes, how much will you pay for it?
29:44He said, I fear we might be wasting each other's time, good day.
29:47He said, you'll be sorry when you see tomorrow's Guardian front page, good day.
29:51APPLAUSE
29:57And here's your teaser.
29:59The words are NEAT BUSH and the clue is,
30:01BE CAREFUL, IT COULD BURN.
30:03It's NEAT BUSH, BE CAREFUL, IT COULD BURN.
30:06See you after the break.
30:09Welcome back. The answer to the teaser,
30:11the words were NEAT BUSH and the clue was,
30:13BE CAREFUL, IT COULD BURN.
30:15Here is your sunbathe.
30:17OK, before we move on, it's time to welcome Joe Wilkinson.
30:27Hi, Jimmy.
30:29Hi, Jeff. I hear you've been promoted again?
30:32Yeah, I now run the Countdown mobile gift shop.
30:38LAUGHTER
30:40LAUGHTER
30:43Oh, sorry, I keep meaning to replace the picture, sorry.
30:47Why do you have a cardboard cutout of Alan Shearer?
30:50It's one of the things we sell in the shop.
30:53He's never been on the show.
30:56Oh, that makes sense.
30:59Hasn't been selling well. Don't matter, don't matter.
31:03Sell lots of other things, though, so there's not a panic.
31:06I've got ironing board covers.
31:09LAUGHTER
31:12Same problem. Shit.
31:15Er, same problem with the net curtains.
31:18LAUGHTER
31:21I think I put all my eggs in one basket there.
31:25Oh, actually, we also sell these.
31:28LAUGHTER
31:32It's a pop-up Martin Keown top hat.
31:36Has he been on the show? No.
31:39Shit!
31:41Forget it. Going to have to close the shop.
31:43Fabio, take it away, mate. This is half-brother Fabio.
31:46LAUGHTER
31:49It's not take me out, grow up.
31:52He won't put clothes on.
31:54He went to a parents' evening dressed like that.
31:57Let's play Countdown!
32:00APPLAUSE
32:06OK, on with the game.
32:08Jon and James, your turn to choose the letters.
32:11We'd like a vowel, please.
32:13Does your promotion involve...?
32:15Oh, I can't help, love. I've got to close the shop.
32:18LAUGHTER
32:21I might have a cup of tea and a biscuit and a...
32:24Wow!
32:27LAUGHTER
32:29Anyone else think digestives are getting bigger?
32:32LAUGHTER
32:35And a consonant.
32:37LAUGHTER
32:39M
32:41And a consonant.
32:43LAUGHTER
32:45P
32:47LAUGHTER
32:49And a vowel.
32:50Are you drinking on work time again?
32:53Can't hear you, love. I'm on my break.
32:55LAUGHTER
32:59U
33:00And a consonant, please.
33:03And another consonant.
33:06N
33:08And a vowel.
33:10E
33:11That's fucking gorgeous.
33:13LAUGHTER
33:14And a consonant.
33:16G
33:17And a vowel, please.
33:18And the last one.
33:20A
33:21OK, and your time starts now.
33:24MUSIC
33:27LAUGHTER
33:34LAUGHTER
33:53LAUGHTER
33:56Jon, how many letters?
33:58I think I've got an eight, but it's a word I've only ever heard
34:01and I've never seen it written down.
34:03OK. James, what have you got?
34:05I've got, say, seven.
34:07OK. Sean?
34:09Four.
34:11Four? OK, no, fine. Jack?
34:13I've got four.
34:15OK, let's hear your four, Jack.
34:17Well, there's only one of them.
34:19LAUGHTER
34:22My four-letter word.
34:24Yeah, your four-letter word.
34:25Um, tune.
34:27Don't snigger.
34:30Sean, your four was...?
34:32It was gapped.
34:34LAUGHTER
34:36G-A-P-T.
34:38And then on something, it's a bit gapped.
34:40LAUGHTER
34:41Is gap in there?
34:42Er, no.
34:43OK, James, what have you got?
34:45I've got an American word, Jimmy, so it might not be...
34:48It's very much used in America a lot.
34:51The word is negatum.
34:53LAUGHTER
34:55Negatum? Yeah.
34:56It's N-E-G-A-T-U-M.
34:59It's the opposite of affirmative, basically.
35:01Negatum.
35:02LAUGHTER
35:04They'll say, you know, have you got that?
35:06And they'll go, negatum, negatum, I do not have it, negatum.
35:09LAUGHTER
35:11We've got a lot of American words in here,
35:13but that isn't one of them, but it's so close to others,
35:15like negator or, you know.
35:17I can believe that. I can believe negatum.
35:19That's not the game, though, you have to get a word.
35:22LAUGHTER
35:24Sean?
35:25Well, I've gone with a tactic
35:27that hopefully Susie will be too shy to look this word up.
35:30Never. Cos we're the young team.
35:32Yeah, yeah.
35:33Poomtang.
35:34LAUGHTER
35:36APPLAUSE
35:43After saying that, I've gone P-O-U-M-T-A-N-G.
35:47That's sweet poomtang.
35:49LAUGHTER
35:51Poomtang. Poonamoo, but not poomtang.
35:53It's not in there.
35:55What kind of dictionary are you using?
35:58I'm sorry, we've come up with two absolute legitimate words
36:01that no-one could question, and they wouldn't.
36:04Do you know in American now, someone's going,
36:06sure, you got any of that poomtang?
36:08And he's going negatum.
36:10Negatum. Poomtang.
36:12APPLAUSE
36:18In that round, it's come to this on AI10Cats Does Countdown,
36:21in that round, the points go to Jack for the word tube.
36:24LAUGHTER
36:26APPLAUSE
36:30Susie, I think I know the answer to this.
36:32Could they have done any better than four?
36:34Er, yeah.
36:36There's a seven, which is montage.
36:38Oh. Montage.
36:40Montage.
36:41APPLAUSE
36:44OK. So, at the end of that round,
36:46Jon and James have 15 points, Sean and Jack have 25.
36:49APPLAUSE
36:52On to another numbers round.
36:54OK, Sean and Jack, your turn to pick the numbers.
36:56Two for the top.
36:58Four for everywhere else, please.
37:00Two big ones, four little ones.
37:02Calming up, and for this round, the small numbers...
37:05Oh, there's...
37:06LAUGHTER
37:07There's a three and a Shearer.
37:09LAUGHTER
37:11We sell... I've got to say, we sell Alan Shearer countdown numbers.
37:15Don't sell Alan Shearer letters.
37:17I think that'd be a bit weird.
37:20Shearer nine, six, and a Shearer.
37:24And the large Shearers are...
37:2650.
37:27Sell a shitload of them.
37:29LAUGHTER
37:3025. Flicks, please, on that one.
37:33And the target with no Shearers, 841.
37:36OK, and your Shearer time starts now.
37:38LAUGHTER
37:50MUSIC
38:09So the target there was 841.
38:11James, I presume you got that.
38:13Well, no, cos there's no point, because I would have helped John,
38:17if you'd made it clear that you can't.
38:19Or is this all of us together?
38:21Yeah, this was everyone, yeah.
38:23Cos I was wondering why you were just eating a pen and staring into space.
38:27LAUGHTER
38:29It was just one round where you played.
38:31Hang on, you said...
38:32They picked the numbers.
38:34Oh!
38:35Right.
38:36Well, I thought, I'm not allowed to do it,
38:38because you guys are so up on this stuff.
38:41What made you think you won and I could play the game?
38:43Hang on, sorry, if you'll give me three more seconds, I'll get it.
38:47John, did you get it?
38:48Yeah.
38:49Yeah, I've got it as well, so we're fine.
38:51Sean?
38:52I've got 831.
38:54Oh, tough break.
38:55LAUGHTER
38:57Um...
38:58Jack?
38:59I've got 831 as well.
39:00Um, yeah.
39:01You haven't, have you?
39:02No, I know I have.
39:03How did you get 831?
39:05Don't say it accusingly like that.
39:07LAUGHTER
39:08Um, Rachel, I started with 9 x 50.
39:119 x 50 for 450.
39:14Yeah, x 2.
39:15x 2 for 900.
39:17And then I did 3 x 25.
39:193 x 25 for 750.
39:20And took it away from that.
39:22825.
39:23And then added 6.
39:25831.
39:26So a potential five points there.
39:28John, how did you get it?
39:29Er, 6 x 3s are 18.
39:31Yeah.
39:32x 50 is 900.
39:34900.
39:362 x 25, so 50 take half and take 9.
39:39Yeah, well done.
39:41841.
39:43APPLAUSE
39:53Hopefully that made me look less punchable.
39:56LAUGHTER
39:58Not less punch...
40:00Come on, I would say...
40:01Surely.
40:02Hi-ya!
40:03Hi-ya.
40:05Well, I guess you get a sympathy.
40:07No, maybe I'd better not.
40:09So ten points to John.
40:11APPLAUSE
40:15So the scores at the moment, Sean and Jack have 25 points,
40:18John and James have got 25 points.
40:20Yeah.
40:21APPLAUSE
40:24Here is your final teaser.
40:26The words are TITSPOON and the clue is BETTER OUT THAN IN.
40:29That's TITSPOON, BETTER OUT THAN IN.
40:31See you after the break.
40:33APPLAUSE
40:34Welcome back. The answer to the teaser,
40:36the words were TITSPOON and the clue was BETTER OUT THAN IN.
40:39It was, of course, BETTOON.
40:41OK, time for our final letters game.
40:43Sean and Jack, your turn to choose.
40:46Jack, why don't you choose the letters?
40:48All right, a vowel, please.
40:50E
40:52And a vowel.
40:54O
40:56And a consonant.
40:58V
40:59Consonant, please.
41:01D
41:02Consonant.
41:04W
41:05And a vowel.
41:07A
41:08Oh, and a consonant, please.
41:10F
41:11And a consonant.
41:13P
41:14And a vowel.
41:15And the last one.
41:16I
41:17OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
41:38MUSIC
41:50OK. Sean, how many did you get?
41:52Five.
41:54Five. Jack?
41:55Seven.
41:56Seven. Jon?
41:57Six.
41:58James, did you know you were playing?
42:00LAUGHTER
42:01I did. Do I get more points if I've got a lot of different four-letter words?
42:05LAUGHTER
42:06No. Great.
42:07OK, in which case I've got four.
42:09Let's hear the four.
42:10Well, I've got so many to choose from, Jimmy.
42:13Why don't you run us through a couple of them?
42:15Wave.
42:17Dave.
42:18LAUGHTER
42:19Dove.
42:20Which one are you going to go for?
42:22Well, it's irrelevant, cos it's...we've lost.
42:24But...well, we haven't, cos the big dog's got a back...
42:27GROWL
42:28I'm saying...
42:29LAUGHTER
42:31Worst dog impulsion ever.
42:33LAUGHTER
42:35Yeah, so I'm... Well, I'll go with Dave.
42:37OK, well, you can't have that, cos that is a...
42:40That's a noun, so it's a proper noun.
42:42You can't have that.
42:43All right, I'll go with dove.
42:44OK, Jack?
42:45Cow dove.
42:47LAUGHTER
42:48I should have got that.
42:50Cow doves. Female dove.
42:52Yeah.
42:53Where's the C?
42:54Where's the...
42:55LAUGHTER
42:58Are you using half the O?
43:00LAUGHTER
43:02And there is only one O.
43:05So, er...
43:07Yeah, dove, really, is what I was after.
43:09LAUGHTER
43:11Sean?
43:12Waved.
43:13How are you spelling that, Sean?
43:15W-A-V-E-D.
43:16OK.
43:17I didn't spot the I.
43:18Jon, your six?
43:20Avowed.
43:21Yes.
43:22Excellent.
43:23LAUGHTER
43:24Points to Jon.
43:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:31I'm going to say Jon.
43:34I'm going to say more punchable with those glasses on.
43:36Really?
43:37Susie, could they have done any better? Joe?
43:39We've got waved with an I, and there's also pedo for a five.
43:42LAUGHTER
43:45Jon, move that away a little.
43:47LAUGHTER
43:49APPLAUSE
43:54Could have looked any better.
43:56LAUGHTER
44:01OK.
44:02So, Sean and Jack have 25 points.
44:04Jon and James have 31.
44:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:10Teams, you ready?
44:11It's all to play for.
44:12Fingers on buzzers.
44:13It's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
44:16RINGTONE
44:20I'm going to have to guess what that is.
44:23LAUGHTER
44:32RINGTONE
44:45RINGTONE
44:46Sean.
44:47Breakfast.
44:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:57So the final scores are Jon and James have 31,
44:59but tonight's winners, with 35, are Sean and Jack.
45:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:10Congratulations.
45:12You are now the proud owners of his and hers Countdown tracksuits.
45:16LAUGHTER
45:18Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
45:20and to all of you for watching at home. That's it from us. Goodnight.
45:23APPLAUSE
45:29So the cats are back next Friday, same time.
45:32Now, if you missed Brooklyn Nine-Nine on E4 last night,
45:35catch up now on 4OD.
45:37Coming up, Claudia Winkleman,
45:39she's got the last leg, lads, ready and waiting.
45:42APPLAUSE