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00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:30Tonight, a 8 Out Of 10 Catch Does Countdown.
00:35Richard Ayoade.
00:37Jonathan Ross.
00:39Kima Ball.
00:41Maisie Adams.
00:43Sarah Keyword.
00:45Susie Dent.
00:47Dr Anne-Maria Mathedom.
00:50And your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:58Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:01a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:03It's the quiz that, if it's anything as fun to watch as it is to host,
01:06my advice is, turn off now.
01:09OK, let's meet tonight's players.
01:10First up, it's guest team captain Richard Ayoade.
01:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:17Richard Ayoade is an actor and is probably best known
01:20for his role playing Richard Ayoade
01:22in literally everything he's ever been cast in.
01:25Richard says his favourite movies are all black and white
01:28French new wave films from the 60s,
01:30and that's because he's never seen Paddington 2.
01:34I was in Paddington 2.
01:36LAUGHTER
01:39But I haven't seen it.
01:41I'm in it.
01:43I'm having to IMDB that, isn't you?
01:45Why would I lie about something so banal?
01:47Who did you play?
01:48I was in the court scene. Has anyone seen this film?
01:50I've seen it. I don't remember you in it.
01:52I was in it!
01:54I'm the person who sends Paddington to prison.
01:57Oh, no!
01:58You brought it out cos it was very traumatic.
02:00OK. No, come on. All right, I'm getting up IMDB.
02:03Are you in both? No, I'm in the second one.
02:05Well, that... Hence the box office lift.
02:07LAUGHTER
02:08Forensic investigator Richard Ayoade.
02:11I am in it.
02:13APPLAUSE
02:15It's unbelievable. I can't believe it.
02:19And Richard's team-mate, Kima Bob.
02:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:25Kima is a gay black woman from Texas.
02:28She moved to the UK in 2018 because, well,
02:31she was a gay black woman living in Texas.
02:33LAUGHTER
02:35I just want to say, er, I'm only half gay.
02:38Half gay. I'll put half gay. I think it's important, yeah.
02:41Representation matters and I don't want anyone full gay to say,
02:44hey, she's appropriating our culture.
02:46LAUGHTER
02:47So, half gay?
02:48It's not like a mermaid, like, the top half is gay
02:51and the bottom half isn't, is it?
02:54Well, you know what?
02:56It kind of, I feel like a bit is,
02:58because my brain loves women and my, er...
03:02Anyway.
03:03LAUGHTER
03:05Up against them this evening is guest team captain Jonathan Ross.
03:08Hello.
03:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:11I was not in Paddington 2 or 1.
03:13I wasn't asked to be in any of the Paddington...
03:16Jonathan Ross, he looks like if a Disney princess kissed a frog
03:19but then changed her mind halfway through.
03:21LAUGHTER
03:23You know what? I've had worse.
03:26And joining Jonathan tonight, it's Maisie Adam.
03:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:35Maisie Adam gets annoyed when people mispronounce her surname
03:38by adding an S.
03:39I'd never do that.
03:40Maisie Sadam, everyone.
03:42LAUGHTER
03:46OK, Jonathan, here's my question to you.
03:48I hope you don't mind me saying this.
03:50You're in your 60s, you're looking great, what's your secret?
03:53You're asking me what my secret is when your hair miraculously grew back.
03:57LAUGHTER
03:59But that didn't grow, did it? It grafted.
04:02You think it grafted?
04:04You mean like in Love Island when they have to graft?
04:06No, I mean like down the pits.
04:08LAUGHTER
04:09What's my secret? Well, thank you, it's a very nice thing for you to say.
04:12Hydration is the key, I believe.
04:14The problem, though, is that goes hand in hand with as you get older,
04:17you do need to wee more.
04:18So it's a trade-off.
04:19You know what I do?
04:20What do you do?
04:21Just get relaxed about pissing when I'm sitting down like this.
04:23Oh, no.
04:24I've been twice since the show started, and you know what?
04:27No-one's the wiser.
04:28No.
04:29How is your prostate?
04:30My prostate is fine, I've had it tickled quite recently.
04:33Really?
04:34A doctor tickles it for you, he puts a camel up there
04:36and has a good look at it.
04:37Do you get to keep the footage afterwards?
04:39Like, you know when your parents buy...?
04:41I think technically it belongs to ITV2.
04:44What?
04:45Part of that footage was used in Paddington 2.
04:49That's the title sequence.
04:52No, I did actually, when I went in, the first time I had it done,
04:55I did ask the guy, cos we used to show weird clips,
04:57and I said, I might put this on the TV show as a jokey story thing.
05:00So I said to the gentleman who had the camera,
05:02I said, could I have the footage afterwards?
05:04And then I was there for quite a while, he was poking around,
05:06and after a while I began to feel a little faint, and I said,
05:08surely you must be done now.
05:09He said, I was just giving you extra footage.
05:11I said, I don't need 20 fucking minutes, I need like 30 seconds.
05:14I'm not sure that guy was a doctor.
05:16No.
05:18He wasn't even a camera, he said it was on the end of his finger,
05:20I didn't see the camera.
05:23Kima, you're from America,
05:24have you learned any interesting words since you've been here?
05:26Definitely.
05:27I feel like you guys use really big words,
05:29and we tend to keep it short and sweet,
05:32and so when I moved here, there were so many big words
05:35that I'd never heard before, and that kind of blew my mind,
05:38like, austerity?
05:41So what would you call that in the States?
05:44Life?
05:46But when I initially heard austerity, I thought to myself,
05:49this word sounds expensive, it sounds bougie.
05:52You know, like it sounds like something people do
05:55on a night out in Bridgerton, you know?
05:58Like, join me at my manor for an evening of austerity.
06:02Good times.
06:03Another big word for me, huge, that I'd never heard before,
06:07was, like, referendum?
06:09Yeah.
06:10Yeah, like, because I'd never heard referendum before,
06:14I had no idea what a referendum could do,
06:17and it really feels like you guys didn't either.
06:22OK.
06:23Richard, if you could be anywhere in the world right now,
06:26where would you choose?
06:27It's tempting to say anywhere else.
06:31And not just because it's true.
06:35No, it's untrue.
06:36I'm very happy here amongst, well, whoever you are.
06:42I'm very looking forward to...
06:45What is...? Why are we here?
06:49I presume some sort of mix-up at your management company.
06:52Yes, look, I'm just here to remind people
06:54of what desserts used to look like.
07:00I've done my job.
07:01Well done, you.
07:02I was in Paddington 2, God damn it.
07:05Richard, have you got a mascot? I do.
07:07How many of this...? Have there been? Yeah.
07:10Over 150?
07:11There's been a lot.
07:12And, you know, what started off as maybe an idea of something
07:15to bring people luck and a nice talking point
07:18has become a burden.
07:19It's become a burden to produce these mascots,
07:23and I know I understand it's to create some comedic business.
07:27So I've created this.
07:29It's an IOU for a mascot for comic purposes.
07:35I don't have a mascot
07:37because I reject the conformism of it.
07:40I don't believe in luck.
07:42I've got this.
07:43Why is it done like a ransom?
07:45So that you won't know I did it.
07:47Maisie, have you got a mascot?
07:49Yeah, I actually... This bit's not done.
07:53And also, by having an IOU,
07:56it opens up the possibility of me being rebooked.
08:01That is actually quite clever. I agree to disagree.
08:04Let me try that again.
08:08Nice.
08:10Maisie, could you be asked to bring a mascot?
08:13I have got a mascot. Would you like to see it?
08:15Yes. OK, great.
08:16So, previously, when I've been on this show, Jimmy,
08:19I think I've struggled to work under pressure.
08:22So I've brought something.
08:24It is this Whack-A-Countdown.
08:33So the good people at Whack-A-Mole have got...
08:35I mean, this is very different.
08:37It's very different, cos with Whack-A-Mole,
08:40which I don't think we're allowed to say,
08:42with the other one, you whack a mole.
08:47You got round that nicely.
08:49This one, you will whack little figures of people on the show.
08:54So this is to make you better at dealing with the clock?
08:56Yeah, I'll have 30 seconds on the clock
08:58so I can get used to dealing with that.
09:00Wait, I have to plug it in first.
09:02Can we plug it in, please?
09:04Can we act like I've paid you in advance?
09:07OK, here we go.
09:08Your time starts...now.
09:11One, two, three.
09:16Yeah, I'm harder, mate. Yeah, I'm harder.
09:20Oh, it's close!
09:30APPLAUSE
09:32Amazing.
09:36That was actually really stressful and I didn't enjoy it
09:39and you went slower in the rehearsals.
09:42I love it.
09:43So why the countdown?
09:51Jonathan, do you have a mascot?
09:52Well, I feel bad as well, do you, because I sort of forgot to bring one in.
09:55And I had planned it and then when I came here I said,
09:58I forgot to bring my mascot.
09:59Can I have a look around here?
10:01In the offices, in the studio, in the dressing room,
10:03can I find something to be a mascot?
10:05They let me have a look around. I found something.
10:07What did you find?
10:08I found Jimmy Carr's contract, ladies and gentlemen.
10:10Ooh!
10:12The employment contract.
10:14Oh, wow.
10:15And you know what? It's not that surprising in some ways.
10:17Some of the things you'd expect are pretty standard
10:19for show business contracts.
10:21When you get to this level, you'll know this.
10:23Point one, rose petals have to be scattered in front of Jimmy
10:26on the way to the studio. That's pretty standard.
10:28Number two here, production staff may only refer to Jimmy
10:31as Your Excellency.
10:33This one surprised me.
10:35One packet of Haribo, each suite,
10:37must be pre-sucked by Susie Dent in his dressing room.
10:42And this is my favourite point, it says,
10:43when Jonathan Ross is on the show,
10:45a one-inch hole must be drilled between Jimmy's dressing room
10:47and Jonathan's bathroom at waist height.
10:51Sorry, that's my contract.
10:54OK, over in the dictionary corner, it's Sarah Keyworth.
10:57Yay!
11:02Sarah is a non-binary comedian,
11:04which means that sometimes she likes to get up on stage and dick about,
11:07another time she prefers to get up on stage and fanny about.
11:09It's all valid.
11:11She goes better when I fanny about.
11:14First time on the show, tell us a little bit about yourself.
11:16Yes, hello. Hello, Jimmy. Hello, everyone.
11:19Yes, my name's Sarah.
11:20Apparently, I don't look like a Sarah.
11:22I think it's the hair.
11:24I get my hair cut by a very nice French man called Ian,
11:26and when he's finished, he goes,
11:28oh, what do you think?
11:29And I think, you've made me look like an Ian.
11:32It's an Ian cut, isn't it?
11:34I mean, you look beautiful, obviously, but the...
11:37Stop it!
11:38If we were going to pick someone...
11:40I see why you've sat me over here.
11:45I think if we were going to pick someone
11:47to play Jonathan Ross in the biopic,
11:49I think the young Jonathan Ross is the...
11:53OK, with Sarah, of course, it's Susie Dent.
11:55Yeah.
12:01I'm not saying Susie Dent's books are dogshit,
12:03but the council recommend picking them up
12:05with a special little plastic bag
12:07and putting them in a special bin in the pub.
12:09Jimmy!
12:11That's so mean. That's so mean.
12:14Don't you take that, Susie.
12:16Yeah, how many have you written, Jimmy?
12:18Um, two.
12:19No, how many have you written, not how many have you sold?
12:26I got your bag, Sus, I got your bag.
12:29That's defence, yeah.
12:30Just pop that on the edit floor.
12:34Susie, which old words would you like to see make a comeback?
12:37Well, there's always the stiff rump from the 16th century.
12:40Stiff rump? Stiff rump.
12:42It is a good phrase, before we even know what it means.
12:44What does it mean?
12:45It's somebody who refuses to budge
12:47from an unfounded, unfair judgment of someone else.
12:50Oh, that felt loaded.
12:53Do you need somebody to get you away from here?
12:56Give us a signal.
12:58We can get you out of here.
13:00Can you?
13:01Yeah, ask for Angela and we'll get you out.
13:04And in charge of the numbers, standing in for Rachel Riley,
13:06it's Dr Anne-Marie Amafadon.
13:13Dr Anne-Marie is a computing and mathematics genius
13:16who speaks five languages
13:18and is the president of the British Science Association.
13:20Getting her to do this show is like using the Large Hadron Collider
13:23to heat up your pot noodle.
13:26You're obviously super smart. Is there anything you're really bad at?
13:29I'm really bad at trains.
13:31Once, I was going from Chester to London
13:34and got on the wrong train twice in the same journey
13:36and ended up in Wales.
13:40Did you only clock it when you got to Wales?
13:42Yeah, the sign was obviously in a different language.
13:47Well, it's very good to have you here. We're lucky.
13:49I also got the wrong train here, but we'll cover that another time.
13:53Did you? Genuinely, yeah.
13:55Then where are you? We missed the train.
13:58What show are you supposed to be on?
14:01I knew I should have taken the wrong train.
14:07OK, and the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this,
14:10the Countdown piano.
14:19He's been practising all week, please.
14:46Let's Countdown, everyone.
14:47Time for the first game. Jonathan, Maisie, you get to pick the letters.
14:50Would you like to go first, Maisie? I think you're good at this.
14:52OK, thank you. Could we have a vowel, please, Anne-Marie?
14:56E
14:57Consonant.
14:58P
14:59Consonant.
15:01S
15:03Another consonant.
15:04B
15:05A vowel.
15:07O
15:08A vowel.
15:09A
15:10Oh, a different vowel.
15:13E
15:14No, not the right vowel. A consonant.
15:18Z
15:19Oh, come on, Anne-Marie. Who wants a Z?
15:22We are trying to make the fun version of the show,
15:24not the dogshit version in the afternoon, so...
15:26Do you want to change...? What?
15:30I'm getting rid of... Look, the 30 seconds is coming up.
15:32I've got to do a bit of scoot-scooting.
15:35Do you remember you're on your way to your first day at boarding school?
15:39Yeah.
15:44It's hard to tell. At first glance, I didn't know if that was a helmet
15:46or you'd had another hair transplant.
15:51Could we have a different consonant?
15:53An O.
15:55Delightful.
15:56One more consonant.
15:57Your final letter is a K.
15:58OK, your time starts now.
16:00Oh, scoot, scoot, scoot.
16:01Scoot, scoot, scoot.
16:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:35Scoot, scoot.
16:37I did scooting.
16:39I did some scooting. It was really good scooting, wasn't it?
16:41I can see you're in your eyes.
16:42So good at scooting.
16:44I'm so good at scooting.
16:45Jonathan, how many?
16:46I've got some sixes.
16:47Some sixes.
16:48Maisie, how many?
16:49Yeah, I've got some sixes as well.
16:50OK, Richard, how many?
16:52Six.
16:53Six.
16:54Kima?
16:55Six as well.
16:57All right, what's your six?
16:59My one?
17:00OK, great.
17:01I'm sorry, I'm very distracted.
17:02You have a nice butt, Jimmy.
17:06That's crazy, people don't talk about it.
17:07I told you, I told you I had mad junk in the trunk,
17:09but you didn't listen.
17:11Your bottom is rounder than expected.
17:13I feel like I might as well be a lap dancer.
17:15People are just staring at my arse.
17:17LAUGHTER
17:22I mean...
17:26That had my word on it, so I've forgotten it now.
17:30All right, so what are your words?
17:32I'll tell you, I'll tell you my six.
17:35Speedo.
17:36Is Speedo allowed because it's a brand name
17:39and sometimes they don't allow brand names?
17:41No, Speedo is also a shortened version of Speedometer.
17:43Do you mean it that way?
17:44Yeah.
17:46Susie, is Speedo in there?
17:48Yeah, so Speedos are trademarks in capital S,
17:51but Speedo, as Jonathan says, short for Speedometer.
17:54It actually is.
17:55Oh, perfect.
17:56APPLAUSE
17:58Richard, your six?
18:00Soaked.
18:01Jonathan, your six?
18:03I had Pokers or, I don't know whether I'll get this one, Spoked.
18:07Yeah.
18:08And, Maisie, your six?
18:09I've got Erode and Pseudo.
18:12Six points to both teams.
18:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:18Sarah's, Susie, could they have done any better?
18:21Susie has Pre-Soaked.
18:23Oh!
18:25Oh, stop it.
18:26It's a nine-letter word, that's... Come on.
18:28APPLAUSE
18:29I've never heard of Pre-Soaked.
18:31Or Hale.
18:32I got Soaked but lacked the energy and intelligence
18:35to rearrange the three remaining letters into Hale.
18:39That's why I had a small part in Paddington,
18:41they didn't trust me with anything bigger.
18:43You would have been a good choice for the Voice Of The Bear.
18:46If you were Paddington, what would you say as Paddington?
18:48More marmalade, please.
18:49I mean, it's just been the same...
18:51I mean, done, that's good.
18:53Done.
18:54So, at the end of that, both teams have six points.
18:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:00OK, on to our first numbers round.
19:02Richard, Kima, you get to choose the numbers.
19:04Oh, this is a big responsibility.
19:06Me?
19:07Please do choose.
19:08My God, but I wasn't in any Paddingtons.
19:11OK.
19:12I think there's a bit of Paddington in all of us.
19:14Yeah.
19:15Ew.
19:16LAUGHTER
19:18May I have three big ones, please?
19:20Yes, three big ones.
19:23Three small ones.
19:25Thank you so much.
19:26We have a 2, 5 and a 1.
19:30Ooh.
19:31And 125 with a 50.
19:34Oh, it's awesome. It's already...
19:36And a target of 881.
19:38Good luck, everyone. Your time starts now.
19:41Oh, I hate this game so much.
19:43Time's up.
19:52Oh, shit.
19:58I'm jealous.
20:00Absolutely nightmare, mate.
20:11So, the target was 881.
20:14Get it?
20:16Whoa.
20:17Whoa, there. Hold on.
20:19Jonathan, did you get it?
20:20No.
20:21But Maisie, did you get it?
20:23No.
20:24Richard, did you get it?
20:25No.
20:27Kima?
20:28Not really.
20:29I got 875.
20:31Go on, tell us.
20:322 plus 5.
20:342 plus 5 is 7.
20:35Ah.
20:36Plus 1.
20:37It's 8.
20:38Clever.
20:39Times by the hundred.
20:40Times by the hundred.
20:41I mean...
20:42Now, this is what I just did, OK?
20:45Hold on, hold on.
20:46I added 50.
20:48Then I added 25.
20:51Five points. Five big points. Richard, I won. OK.
20:57Anne-Marie.
20:58Could it be done?
20:59No.
21:00What?
21:01That's why I couldn't do it, Jimmy.
21:02That one was impossible, was it?
21:04Yeah.
21:05Go on. Go on, then.
21:07Oh.
21:09Sure.
21:10OK, so Jonathan and Maisie have six points.
21:12Richard and Kima have 11 points.
21:17And here is your teaser.
21:18The words are I HOG NUTS.
21:19The clue is KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED.
21:21That's I HOG NUTS.
21:22KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED.
21:23See you after the break.
21:40Welcome back.
21:41The answer to the teaser, the words were I HOG NUTS.
21:43The clue was KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED.
21:45It was, of course, SHOUTING.
21:46So, Richard and Kima are in the lead.
21:48And they've been playing in teams so far,
21:50but this game is just for Richard and Jonathan.
21:52So, Richard, your turn to choose.
21:54Consonant.
21:55X.
21:56Really? That's how we're starting?
21:58We can work with that.
22:00Oh, no.
22:01Another consonant, please.
22:02Another X.
22:04T.
22:05Vowel, please.
22:06O.
22:07Another vowel, please.
22:09I.
22:10Maybe another vowel.
22:11What?
22:12E.
22:13Consonant.
22:14Q.
22:15Holy moly.
22:17Are you serious?
22:19I mean, what?
22:20Another vowel.
22:21A.
22:22Another consonant.
22:24Go on, vowel, vowel, vowel.
22:25L.
22:26Vowel, vowel, vowel.
22:27And then another vowel.
22:29Come on, come on, come on.
22:30A strong desire for a U.
22:32Oh!
22:34APPLAUSE
22:36OK.
22:37I'm going to play the clock music on...
22:40..on some wine bottles.
22:42OK. All right, you ready?
22:44Your time starts now.
22:47BELL RINGS
22:53So hot in here.
23:08It's so horrible, isn't it?
23:12Wow!
23:13APPLAUSE
23:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:21Now, I've got cheese and wine for everyone,
23:23just to sort of lift the spirits.
23:25Kima, in your honour, as you're American,
23:27I've got some American squeezy cheese for you.
23:29Thank you so much.
23:30Maisie Adam, we got you Maisie Edam.
23:32Oh, great.
23:33Nice.
23:34Richard I.
23:35Wensleydale.
23:36LAUGHTER
23:37That's very much a work in progress.
23:39No, it's good.
23:40And Jonathan, we got you our old blue veiny cheese.
23:43That's pearl white wine, that.
23:45That'll be our class, isn't it? Cheese and wine on the show.
23:47I'm so excited.
23:48Nice.
23:49Thank you very much.
23:50Why have I got, like, just a big wedge with a...
23:52Look at this.
23:53Maisie Edam.
23:54Maisie Edam.
23:56Oh, you look like a psychotic clown for a moment there.
23:59I liked it.
24:02Oh, Jesus Christ, what happened there?
24:04I don't like this cheese.
24:06Which cheese?
24:07The blue one.
24:08The Jonathan Ross one.
24:10I can't swallow it, I don't want it in my body.
24:12It's only for the sophisticated palate.
24:15Mmm, fuck off.
24:16Yeah.
24:18Um, what's crazy about this is, like,
24:21I'm severely lactose intolerant, and so...
24:24I just feel so bad for Richard,
24:26cos this is about to get crazy in about five to ten.
24:31That's OK. This just wipes clean.
24:34Richard, how many?
24:35Um, just the one.
24:39Well, I've got a definite five,
24:41and but for a D, I'd have an eight.
24:44Why's your wine got a head on it?
24:47Jonathan, how many have you got?
24:49I have got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
24:51Richard, you're five.
24:52I'm a bit quiet.
24:53Jonathan, you're seven.
24:54Exotica.
24:55E-X-O-T-I-C-A.
24:57Oh, that might be all right.
24:58A popular form of music in the 1950s.
25:01Do you have a U after Q?
25:03You don't... No, no.
25:04No, like that.
25:05Exotica, like that.
25:06Ca.
25:07No, no, C-A.
25:08I don't think we've got a C, mate.
25:09Oh, I haven't got a...
25:10I haven't got a...
25:12Oh!
25:14I apologise.
25:15However, I'm still happy because I've got the cheese.
25:18Wait a second, wait a second.
25:20Can I just check in with Susie Dent?
25:22You had one job, Susie.
25:23You thought there was a C as well, didn't you, Susie?
25:25I did.
25:26So exciting.
25:27Yeah, such a good word.
25:28Try that one.
25:29Well, you try it, it's your word.
25:30Oh, toxic.
25:31Toxic.
25:32I like that.
25:33The Latin version of the Britney Spears song.
25:35Yeah.
25:36Five points to Richard.
25:37Aw!
25:38APPLAUSE
25:40Sarah, Susie, could they have done any better?
25:43I don't know, we're just getting pissed.
25:46Liquate.
25:47Oh, you had that.
25:48That's number seven, that's a sevener.
25:50Liquate?
25:51What is that?
25:52Purifying metal.
25:53That's what Jimmy on the phone, liquate everything.
25:55Liquate it.
25:56The tax man's coming round, liquate all the files.
25:59Liquate it.
26:00Liquate it.
26:01Liquate it.
26:02And then shred it.
26:03Shred it.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:05So, at the end of that, Jonathan and Maisie have six points,
26:07Richard and Kima have 16.
26:09APPLAUSE
26:12Well played, well played.
26:13OK, right, now time for Maisie and Kima to go head-to-head with the maths.
26:17Maisie, you pick the numbers.
26:19OK, two big ones, please.
26:22Two big ones.
26:23On the race.
26:24We've got a nine.
26:25Yeah.
26:26Four.
26:27Yeah.
26:28One.
26:29Great.
26:30Another one.
26:31Oh, Jesus.
26:32175.
26:34We're the target of 197.
26:37OK, and your time starts now.
27:05So, the target was 197.
27:08Maisie, did you get it?
27:10No.
27:11I got 190.
27:13Seven away. OK, Kima, did you get it?
27:15I think we're at 196.
27:17Oh!
27:18196.
27:19OK, that'll be worth something.
27:20How do you do it?
27:21So, one plus one is two,
27:24and then two times 100...
27:26Times 100, 200.
27:28..will get you a 200.
27:30And then two times 100,
27:32200.
27:33And then you want to take four away from it.
27:36Oh, masterful.
27:37Seven points to Kima.
27:39APPLAUSE
27:40Nicely done, nicely done.
27:42Good.
27:43Memory?
27:44It's a beautiful game.
27:45Yes.
27:46Could it be done?
27:47Yes, it can be done.
27:48One plus one, two.
27:49I'm fine so far.
27:50Good start.
27:51I'm all good.
27:52Strong start.
27:53Nine times this two is 18.
27:55Yes.
27:56Add the 75 on...
27:57Shut it.
27:58Whoa.
27:59..for 93, and then 100 for 193.
28:02Yeah.
28:03Whoa.
28:04And then add on four.
28:05That's a beautiful piece of magic.
28:06Damn it.
28:07Whoa.
28:08That feels like very lucky that that worked out, but brilliant.
28:10APPLAUSE
28:11That's the symphony.
28:12Pretty great.
28:13OK, so, Jonathan and Maisie have six,
28:16Richard and Kima have 23.
28:18APPLAUSE
28:19Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
28:22Sarah Keyworth, what have you got for us?
28:24I've made a short presentation just to put everybody at ease,
28:28and it's to explain why I frighten women.
28:32Brackets and men.
28:34I think we can all agree I am very frightening, though I am,
28:37and the reason for that is that I represent
28:39the most frightening thing in the world,
28:41which is ambiguous genitals.
28:47What have you got down there, Keyworth?
28:49I can hear you all crying.
28:51And I'll never tell.
28:52I'm not going to tell.
28:53I won't even write it down, cos I can't spell it.
28:57I think I confuse people for a lot of reasons.
28:59My youthful looks, mentioned it before,
29:01confuses people everywhere I go.
29:03Last summer, I was walking my friend's dog down the road,
29:05there was a man on the other side of the street,
29:07and he shouted,
29:08NO SCHOOL TODAY!
29:10LAUGHTER
29:13I said to him, I said,
29:14Oh, no, I'm 28 years old.
29:16And he went, Oh, that's weird.
29:18I thought you were a young boy.
29:21And I was like, I'm weird?
29:23Why are you starting a conversation with a young boy?
29:27I tweeted about that.
29:29I love tweeting about gender.
29:30I did a tweet recently.
29:32You know the film Notting Hill?
29:34I did a parody of the famous quote from Notting Hill,
29:36the one that's like,
29:37I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy,
29:39asking him to love her.
29:40But instead of that, I tweeted,
29:42I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy,
29:44realising it's a mirror and that gender is a social construct.
29:48But I've got quite a modest Twitter following,
29:51very few followers, mostly queer people,
29:53so I thought my plan was I'd tweet that,
29:55get a few likes,
29:56and then just feel smog for the rest of the day.
29:58But the problem is, I'm also followed by a comedian
30:02and professional quizzer, Paul Sinner, from The Chase.
30:06Yeah.
30:07The Chase, very popular daytime quiz show, isn't it?
30:10Is it probably the most popular, I'd say?
30:12Yeah, it's definitely the best.
30:14It's my favourite, I'd say that.
30:16And he, Paul, retweeted my tweet,
30:18which essentially means that he dipped me in rainbows
30:22and threw me to the bigots.
30:26Cos then a lot of people started responding to that,
30:28I got a lot of angry tweets.
30:30One person tweeted me, very, very cross,
30:32what an utter load of boolocks.
30:36Fantastic.
30:37Then immediately replied to themselves,
30:39bollocks, even.
30:42And this is my favourite one, somebody tweeted me saying,
30:45you're a boy, you were born a boy and you'll always be a boy.
30:50And then immediately, straight away, tweeted themselves back,
30:53sorry, I meant girl.
30:56Sarah Keyworth, everyone.
30:59And here is your teaser.
31:00The words are ASSBLEND, the clue is not a hair in sight.
31:03That's ASSBLEND, not a hair in sight.
31:05See you after the break.
31:06APPLAUSE
31:22Welcome back.
31:23The answer to the tease, the words were ASSBLEND,
31:25the clue was not a hair in sight, it was, of course, baldness.
31:28Oh!
31:29OK, before we go on, time for a quick bonus round.
31:32Tonight we have movie director Richard Ayoade
31:34and movie buff Jonathan Ross,
31:36so let's test their knowledge in the Cats Does Countdown movie quiz,
31:40Pop Fact or Pulp Fiction?
31:46The person with the most correct answers gets ten bonus points.
31:49Here is your first question.
31:50We need this.
31:51Can you tell me the real tagline of the 1973 double Oscar-nominated
31:55thriller The Day Of The Dolphin?
31:57The Day Of The Dolphin?
31:58I literally could tell you that now.
32:00I bet you could.
32:01I'll give you the multiple choice anyway, but I bet you could.
32:03OK, A, Every Dolphin Has Its Day.
32:06Could be that.
32:07B, This Dolphin Might Look Cute, But It's Not.
32:10C, Dolphins Forgive, But They Don't Forget.
32:13Oh, that's it.
32:14Or, Unwittingly, He Trained A Dolphin
32:16To Kill The President Of The United States.
32:18That's it.
32:19I think it's C or D.
32:20It can't be that last one.
32:22I literally wrote a section on this in my book, The Gripper Film.
32:26That's the second time you failed to do your research, mister.
32:30The second time, in my oeuvre.
32:32OK, Jonathan, what have you gone for?
32:33C.
32:34You've gone for C.
32:35Richard, what correct answer have you gone for?
32:37It is D.
32:38The answer is D.
32:39Here's the beautifully designed poster, have a look.
32:41And it's a double Oscar-nominated film.
32:43For an extra point for us, can you do a good dolphin impersonation?
32:50You just gave them a point.
32:51Yeah, that was good.
32:53Question number two in the Pulp Fact or Pulp Fiction quiz.
32:58OK, for this one, you need to complete a tagline
33:00for the Jason Statham classic action film, Crank, High Voltage.
33:04Love that film.
33:05Here's the first part.
33:06He was dead, but he got...what?
33:09Ooh.
33:11That is it.
33:12No.
33:13I think that would be really good.
33:14OK, Jonathan, what have you gone for?
33:16I'm very tempted to go with Maisie's suggestion.
33:18Maisie, tell him your suggestion.
33:20How does it start again?
33:21He was dead, but he got...
33:22Pussy.
33:23I mean...
33:24LAUGHTER
33:25It's Jason Statham, so I mean...
33:27I think he still would get it.
33:28Richard Ayoade?
33:30I'd like to say Over It.
33:32LAUGHTER
33:33But that isn't the answer. The real answer is Better.
33:35I know this.
33:36He was dead, but he got better.
33:37Amazing.
33:38It's basically a retelling of the story of Christ.
33:40APPLAUSE
33:42Now, you know you're terrible cinema.
33:44Ricky.
33:45Let's take a look at the poster.
33:47Here's Jason Statham looking double hard.
33:49Jesus.
33:50I do remember being a young American person
33:54watching this film, thinking to myself,
33:57this Jason Statham, he must be what all men in the UK are like.
34:02And I've come here...
34:03And now, sitting between Richard Ayoade and me,
34:05I imagine dreams come true.
34:07Yeah.
34:08What we've got to do is we've got to take him out, all right?
34:11LAUGHTER
34:13APPLAUSE
34:14He does voices.
34:15Very good.
34:16He can do everyone.
34:18That's what Paddington should sound like.
34:20LAUGHTER
34:21This next question, we're going to show you a very scary clip.
34:23Take a look at this frightening trailer for a horror movie, The Lift.
34:27Modern technology gave birth to The Lift.
34:32But The Lift has made itself smarter...
34:36LAUGHTER
34:39..and deadlier.
34:41SCREAMING
34:43LAUGHTER
34:45Oh, it's a good film.
34:46APPLAUSE
34:47I know about this film.
34:48OK. All right, well, let's see.
34:50Yes, it's a good film.
34:52Jonathan, you say you know about this film, you say it's a good film,
34:54but the question is, what is the tagline for The Lift?
34:57Richard?
34:58I'm ashamed to say I don't know this one.
35:00If I were doing this, I'd say, What Goes Up Must Come Down.
35:02I'd say, This One's Out Of Order.
35:04Yeah!
35:06After this, you'll only be taking the stairs
35:09on account of Liz feeling frightening.
35:11No, I think it actually is.
35:12It says, we've told you before,
35:14take the stairs, take the stairs, take the stairs.
35:17Come on.
35:18I'm going to give you that.
35:19Let's have a look at the truly inspirational tagline, which is...
35:24Take the stairs.
35:26Take the stairs.
35:28For God's sake, take the stairs.
35:31LAUGHTER
35:32It's a good film.
35:33APPLAUSE
35:34It's a good film.
35:35That's so bad.
35:36It's a good film.
35:37Now it's time to test your knowledge of classic movie scenes.
35:40Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our acting expert, Fabio.
35:43Oh, Fabio.
35:45APPLAUSE
35:48Buzz in when you know what film he is acting from.
35:52Fabio, action.
35:54Oh, my word.
35:56Buzz in when you think you know the answer.
35:59Dancing With Wolves.
36:01Incorrect. Keep going, keep going.
36:03Mrs Doubtfire.
36:06Dirty Dancing.
36:07Dirty Dancing is the right answer.
36:09APPLAUSE
36:11Oh, yeah, we were going like that.
36:13Fabio, more acting, please. Action.
36:15No.
36:16No, he's acting. Look at him. Look at his acting.
36:18What is it?
36:19Pulp Fiction.
36:20Pulp Fiction is the correct answer.
36:22APPLAUSE
36:26I love how Richard has suddenly got really fiercely competitive.
36:30I couldn't find the buzzer there.
36:32Fabio, action.
36:35Basic Instinct.
36:38It is not Basic Instinct.
36:40Ghost.
36:41Ghost is the right answer.
36:43She doesn't sit in a chair stroking a big fucking penis in Ghost.
36:47It's in front of that. She's making a bowl there.
36:49She's not...
36:51Dirty Dancing doesn't involve someone dry-humping air for 30 seconds.
36:55Round of applause for Fabio.
36:57Yes.
36:58APPLAUSE
37:00So that's the end of that round.
37:02That's ten points to Jonathan.
37:04APPLAUSE
37:07OK, on with the game.
37:09Jonathan and Maisie, your turn to choose the letters.
37:11A vowel, please.
37:12Yeah, good choice.
37:14And let's have another vowel. Come on, let's be crazy on vowels.
37:17I
37:18Now I would like a consonant, please.
37:20N
37:21And now I'd like another consonant, please.
37:23J
37:24Oh, I don't like that one particularly, but I'll go for a vowel now.
37:26O
37:27Oh.
37:28Yeah, good.
37:29Shall we have another consonant?
37:30Do it.
37:31Let's do it.
37:32M
37:33Let's have another vowel and two more consonants.
37:35E
37:37F
37:38Yes, please.
37:39And B.
37:41Your time starts now.
38:11Jonathan, how many?
38:14Four.
38:15Four, OK. Maisie?
38:16Yeah, I got four.
38:18Richard?
38:19I'm looking at four.
38:21Kima?
38:22Five.
38:23Wow!
38:24Yes, that's right.
38:25Oh, go on, Kima.
38:26OK, five for the win. Maisie, your four?
38:28Moan.
38:29There's no A.
38:30LAUGHTER
38:32Jonathan, your four?
38:33Join.
38:34Join.
38:35Richard, your four?
38:36Now, I wonder, could you bejoin?
38:38Bejoin.
38:39Bejoin.
38:40No.
38:41I've got join.
38:42Maybe in the 16th century, I don't think now.
38:44I wish it was the 16th century.
38:46Kima, for the points, five-letter word.
38:48Jobbing.
38:49LAUGHTER
38:52Kima!
38:53When you're doing a job.
38:55You're jobbing.
38:56You're jobbing.
38:57You're jobbing nine to five.
38:58Yeah.
38:59It's not there.
39:00It's not there, OK.
39:01It's four points to both teams.
39:02Wow.
39:03CHEERING
39:04It's something.
39:05APPLAUSE
39:06Yeah.
39:07Was there anything?
39:08Sarah, Susie, could they have done any better?
39:10Yeah, I got one, Susie didn't.
39:12I got one.
39:13A biome.
39:14Biome.
39:15Of course, biome's up there, yeah.
39:17Yeah, yeah, biome.
39:18So, at the end of that, Richard and Kima are in the lead
39:20with 27 points.
39:22APPLAUSE
39:24No, no, no.
39:27Time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner.
39:29Sarah, what have you got for us?
39:31Well, I just love this show.
39:32Cheers.
39:33I like that it does words, cos I love words.
39:36I get very frustrated when people mispronounce words
39:39to the extent that they're saying a completely different word.
39:42The one that upsets me most, instead of saying specific,
39:46people say pacific.
39:50I find it incredibly frustrating.
39:52People tell me to be more pacific, and I'm like,
39:54what do you want me to do, wet myself?
39:57Another one, instead of part and parcel...
40:00Part and partial.
40:02The phrase is part and parcel.
40:04Part and partial is the same thing.
40:06That's like saying, I'm going to kick your butt and your buttocks.
40:10This is a good one.
40:11My dad had to have a meeting with his boss
40:13to ask him to stop praising him at work,
40:15because his boss was going around telling everyone
40:17that my father had a really good work ethnic.
40:22Oh, no!
40:23He had to be like, please, don't spread that around.
40:27The problem is, as well, the worst part is,
40:29I live with one of these people who can't speak properly,
40:31and I like to call them cucking funts.
40:34My girlfriend has absolutely no grasp on common idioms and phrases,
40:38but she knows that they exist, so she just makes them up.
40:41The other day, she was talking about work,
40:43and she said that she definitely thinks
40:45that she's closed the most deals at work,
40:47but her colleague, John, is coming up her rear.
40:50John, if you're watching, stop it.
40:54Another one, I heard her in a work meeting, she was on Zoom,
40:57and she said, if we want to meet this deadline,
40:59we need to get this boat on the road.
41:02Boat on the road.
41:04And I asked her what she thought that that was in reference to,
41:07and she said that she thought it was when you know
41:10when you see a boat on the back of a truck.
41:13And I said to her, well, how many times have you seen that?
41:16And she said she didn't think she ever had.
41:20A few more of her classic phrases, it's a doggy dog world.
41:26I think that's a Snoop album, isn't it?
41:29Like a bulldozer in a china shop.
41:33And finally, in an argument, she said to me,
41:35she said, if you can't handle me at my worst,
41:38then you can't handle the truth,
41:40which roughly translates to, I'm the worst.
41:45Sarah Keyworth, everyone.
41:51And here is the final teaser.
41:53The words are MOIST PIE.
41:55The clue is, make the most of it.
41:58See you after the break.
42:15Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were MOIST PIE.
42:18The clue was, make the most of it.
42:20It was, of course, OPTIMIZE.
42:22OK, our final letters game.
42:23Richard, Kima, your turn to choose.
42:26OK, may I please have a vowel, madam?
42:30An A.
42:32May I have a consonant, please?
42:34L.
42:36And may I have another consonant, please?
42:38C.
42:40And may I have a vowel, please?
42:42I.
42:44May I have another vowel, please?
42:46A.
42:48And may I have a consonant, please?
42:50R.
42:52And another consonant, please?
42:54E.
42:56And another consonant, please?
42:58S.
43:00May I have another vowel, please?
43:02Your last letter is an O.
43:04And your time starts now.
43:06Oh!
43:24LAUGHTER
43:46Sorry about that, Susie, it's just their shit.
43:49Richard, how many?
43:51Five.
43:53Six. Jonathan?
43:55Six, but I've very nearly got an eight,
43:57because I nearly found clitoris in there,
44:00but not for the first time, it has eluded me.
44:04How many sixes are you going for? OK, Maisie?
44:06Six.
44:08Oh, sorry, seven. Can I change mine to a seven?
44:10It's a seven. It's a seven. I'm sorry, it is a seven.
44:13OK, seven. It hasn't been called.
44:15I have seven as well. Seven, I've got a seven.
44:18You don't. Kima, your six.
44:20It's Astral.
44:22Astral. Jonathan, your six?
44:24Trials. Trials.
44:26I mean, not as good as Astral, but it's something.
44:28Maisie, your six?
44:30Tiaras. Richard, your seven?
44:32Coastal. Oh, nicely done.
44:34Coastal? Coastal.
44:36Richard, I don't want any there.
44:38Wow!
44:40Right.
44:42Well, seven points to Richard. That's good, that's good.
44:45You earned that.
44:46Sarah, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:48Corralitas. What, sorry?
44:50I don't know.
44:52Pink flower climbing vines native to Mexico and the Caribbean.
44:57Corralitas.
44:59Oh, Corralitas.
45:03So, Jonathan and Maisie have 21.
45:05Richard and Kima have 34.
45:07Fingers on buzzers.
45:08Can we still win? How many points are at stake here?
45:10I'll tell you what I'll do to make things interesting.
45:12I've never won.
45:13It's ten points for the conundrum, if you get it right.
45:16If you get it in the first 15 seconds, I'll double that to 20.
45:19Don't take this away from me.
45:21Jonathan, we've got to get this.
45:22Your time starts for the crucial Countdown Conundrum now.
45:30Jonathan. Wallpaper.
45:32After three seconds, let's see if he's right.
45:34Oh, stop it.
45:35Jonathan, I think you've done it.
45:36Who is this man?
45:37Correct!
45:39APPLAUSE
45:42Beautiful.
45:43Oh, congratulations to Jonathan and Maisie.
45:46You'll now have the proud owner of this, the Countdown piano.
45:49Oh.
45:50Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
45:53and we'll avoid you at home.
45:55That's it from us. Good night.
45:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE