First broadcast 24th August 2012.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
John Pohlhammer
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
John Pohlhammer
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:04This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:30Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown
00:33Our reigning champion, it's John Richardson
00:37Ready for the rematch, it's Sean Locke
00:40In Dictionary Corner, he's Bowel Mouth
00:43It's David O'Doherty
00:45My word, it's Susie Dent
00:48She's a Math Magician, it's Rachel Riley
00:52Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:59Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown
01:03A show all about letters, numbers and conundrums
01:06Did you know, according to lexicographers
01:0940 is the only number that when written down
01:12has all its letters in alphabetical order
01:14Interestingly, 40 is also how old most lexicographers are
01:17before they see a naked lady
01:20The word crap comes from the last name of the person
01:23that invented the toilet, Thomas Crapper
01:27Narrowly beating designs by Thomas Shitter
01:29and Thomas, I'd leave that ten minutes if I were you
01:32Palindromes are words or phrases that read the same in both directions
01:36My favourite palindromes that I've ever come across
01:39are tit and boob
01:43Right, let's get started
01:51OK, let's meet tonight's players
01:53First up, it's our Cats Countdown reigning champion, Jon Richardson
02:05You can see Jon regularly in 8 Out Of 10 Cats, Stand Up For The Week
02:09and the Meals For One section of his local supermarket
02:14In 1998, chess player Garry Kasparov was beaten by supercomputer Deep Blue
02:21But later this year, Jon will seek to prove
02:23that there are still some tasks beyond modern technology
02:26when he takes on the computer at match.com
02:34And up against Jon is Sean Lock
02:44Laid-back Sean is best described as happy-go-fuck-yourself
02:51Sean never fails to see the funny side of life
02:54It doesn't matter whether he's shouting at a child or drop-kicking a kitten
02:57you always see him laughing
03:00Remind me, what happened last time you played?
03:03Through some weird sort of anomaly of scoring, Jon went home with a teapot
03:10An anomaly of scoring?
03:12Swatsy, planet head here
03:15Won, that's what happened
03:17We got the same train back and I had my teapot
03:20but I really wanted my nameplate for my desk
03:23and I thought I'd lost it on the train
03:26and I was on the train going, I think I've lost my...
03:29and your face really said, you are a penis
03:33and I also thought, now that's a shame Jon
03:35that would have been a really good memento to have
03:37you just said, it's just your name written on a piece of paper
03:41He's right though, I just hope for Jon's sake he doesn't win tonight
03:44because then he'd have more teapots than friends
03:55The tension, it's a grudge match, be honest
03:57As a form of humiliation, it's alright for you, you won
04:00It's awful, I'd rather do a bush tucker trial
04:03There's a certain dignity in eating a kangaroo's bollock
04:07which you don't get from losing at spelling quizzes
04:11So do you feel extra pressure?
04:13Because we're all expecting you to win by some margin
04:15No, we're not expecting that
04:18But I mean, what are you talking about?
04:20Everyone is expecting Jon to win
04:21It's horrible, I hope I lose, the pressure's...
04:23I can't get on a train, people are shouting letters at me
04:27It's horrible
04:28I see how you cope with the pressure
04:29I don't think it'd be a problem
04:32The jumbies just jumbled up
04:34I look at them, when the letters come up
04:36it just doesn't mean, I just don't see anything
04:38It's like a Dutch number plate
04:43What about that one? I mean, that one's easy
04:45Start with that one
04:47Out, I've got that
04:51I've got another word
04:52Yeah
05:00OK, over in Dictionary Corner today, it's David O'Doherty
05:09All right, yeah
05:11Send out the funny text
05:13Hey, we're all wearing novelty jumpers on Countdown
05:16It's going to be hilarious, David
05:18You all wear your fancy suits and I'm left here
05:22Looking pretty sweet, actually
05:25Very nice
05:26As an Irishman, David is probably more familiar with the Irish version of this show
05:30Count it down
05:39With his quirky, unkept appearance, David O'Doherty resembles a top university professor
05:44who's fallen on hard times, turned to alcohol and gone to live in a hedge
05:50Very nice to have you here, David
05:52It's what I meant to say
05:53It's a pleasure
05:54Yeah, it's fun, right?
05:55It's one of my top two favourite shows on Channel 4
06:00After Grand Designs
06:03Here's how much I love Grand Designs
06:06Dressed up as Kevin MacLeod for Halloween
06:08And he doesn't really have a look, so it's just a T-shirt with a leather jacket
06:11And when people didn't know who I was, to give them a clue
06:14I'd just be mildly critical of their interior decoration
06:17I really like what you tried to do here and it very nearly worked
06:23And with David is, of course, Susie Dent
06:31Susie likes nothing more than taking a dictionary to bed
06:34And having a good flick
06:35Just like your mum with Fifty Shades of Grey
06:48And in charge of numbers, it's Rachel Riley
06:57Rachel Riley is the sexiest mathematician in the world
06:59Which sounds impressive until you find out number two is Stephen Hawking
07:05Rachel Riley is as clever as she is beautiful
07:07But then again, so is Sean Locke
07:15OK, let's get ready to count down
07:16Time for the first game
07:17John, you get the first pick of the letters
07:19I'll have a consonant, please
07:21Thank you, John
07:22Start with a good one
07:24I don't think a consonant's a good idea, John
07:27We'll get rid of the R
07:30Do whatever you want
07:31I'm really easily led
07:33Oh!
07:35It's chaos already
07:39There'll be people, countdown fans, watching that going
07:41You can't do that!
07:44You can't go away with the first letter!
07:49Come on, pick your next
07:50I'm going to have a consonant
07:51Thank you, John
07:53M
07:54Oh, much better
07:55That's better
07:56And another one, please
07:58G
07:59I can't say that and not sound like a dick
08:02And another one, please
08:05M
08:06Let's bang another one out
08:11Do you write them all down?
08:12I would just write the last one, Sean, and see how you get on
08:17How you doing?
08:20I'll have a vowel, please
08:23O
08:24Someone gasped when I said vowel, then
08:29Yeah, let's shit another vowel in there
08:33E
08:34And another one, please
08:36A
08:37And another consonant, please
08:39F
08:40And another vowel, please
08:43And the last one
08:45O
08:46Right, well, for the first time today, here's the countdown clock
09:03APPLAUSE
09:21Right, um, how many letters, John?
09:24Just a five
09:25Sean?
09:26Haven't finished yet
09:28LAUGHTER
09:30Sean?
09:31What?
09:32How many you got?
09:33What, how many have I got?
09:34Yeah
09:35Oh, I've only got to count them up now, Jesus
09:38I'll give you a clue, you won't need the other hand
09:41One, two, three, four, five, six
09:45Six?
09:47OK, John, what have you got?
09:49But it is using my free letter that I've played
09:53Have you played your joker?
09:55Yes, I have a letter I use
09:58It's like an O, it's got a line through it and a smiley face
10:03I call it free letter and it counts as anything
10:07All right, four
10:09Four, Sean, what have you got?
10:11Fug
10:15How are you spelling fug in the traditional manner?
10:17F-double-O-G
10:21Fug
10:23As in to cart her in?
10:24No, no, as in I'm going to fug something
10:29You're using this in the sense of you're fugging this right up
10:32Yeah
10:34Which is very accurate
10:35Well, a fugger would have fugged things, yes, definitely
10:39A fugger would have travelled round the village and announcing
10:42Have you got anything to fug?
10:45And he would bring it out and they'd go,
10:47Oh, the fugger's here, and he would fug it
10:50Jon?
10:51I've got fug, I've just put an extra R in it
10:55I've got gnome
11:04David, did you do any better than gnome?
11:07Yeah, I've got X-mango
11:11There used to be a mango, but now it's just a rotting pile of flies and moles
11:18X-mango
11:21Susie, what could they have had?
11:22I'm afraid I've only got fives too
11:24Mange, not very nice
11:26Fango, which is mud from thermal springs in Italy
11:29So just fives was all that was possible
11:31You did as well as could be expected
11:33Thank you
11:35Not so much
11:36That really is the best we could have hoped for you, Jon, well done
11:40So at the end of that, Jon is in the lead with five points
11:48OK, Sean, your turn to pick the letters
11:53A vowel, please
11:54Thank you, Sean
11:56E
11:59Another vowel, please
12:01I
12:02Another vowel, please
12:06Another vowel, please
12:11Oh, please let it be an O
12:14I'll have to go for another vowel, please
12:18Oh
12:20E-I-E-I-A
12:24I'll have a consonant, please
12:26S
12:27S, and another consonant
12:30N
12:31Bash out a couple more, will you, darling?
12:35E and H
12:37Thank you
12:38And your time starts now
12:48E
12:50I
12:52I
12:54I
12:56I
12:58I
13:00I
13:01I
13:03I
13:12Make it out
13:13I made you those.
13:17Sean, how many letters?
13:18Five.
13:19Five. Jon?
13:20Seven, I think.
13:21Seven.
13:23Sean, what's your five?
13:24Sheen.
13:26What's your seven, Jon?
13:27Banshee.
13:28Brilliant.
13:36It's a noise I hear a lot in the bedroom.
13:38She screamed like a...
13:41As you peered at the window.
13:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
13:51David, could they have done any better than Banshee?
13:54I got a three.
13:57Oh, it's just the biggest.
14:00Yeah, we've got some more sevens.
14:02High knees, which Sean also might see a lot in the bedroom.
14:05Those are people's buttocks.
14:07And they might be wearing beanies, beanie hats.
14:09But seven was the tops, again, well done.
14:11APPLAUSE
14:17OK, Sean has no points and Jon has 12 points.
14:20APPLAUSE
14:26On to our first numbers round.
14:28OK, Jon, go ahead and pick your numbers.
14:30Can I have two big ones and four small ones, please?
14:35You can, thank you, Jon.
14:36Two from the top and four little numbers.
14:39And for the first numbers game, they are 1, 5, 6, 10
14:44and the large two, 25 and 50.
14:47And your target... Oh, dear.
14:50Sean might get us on 400.
14:53OK, I'm just going to see how many cream crackers I can eat.
14:56Let's start the clock now.
15:02You've got to put the pressure on me now.
15:10LAUGHTER
15:29What have you got?
15:31What have you got? I think I've got it.
15:33I've got, erm...
15:356 x 50 is 300.
15:376 x 50 is 300.
15:395 x 1 is 4.
15:40OK.
15:41Times 25 is 100.
15:43Yay!
15:44I was there, I didn't get it till, like, the clock went...
15:47Is that why you shouted and went...
15:49LAUGHTER
15:51Well done.
15:52APPLAUSE
16:00I did 25 minus 10 minus 6 minus 1.
16:04Ah, the old easy way.
16:0625 minus 10 minus 6 minus 1 is 8.
16:10Times 50.
16:11Times 50, 400. Well done.
16:13APPLAUSE
16:18OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
16:20David, what have you got for us?
16:22Well, I am a big fan of Countdown
16:25and I just feel the time is right now,
16:29no disrespect, to bring it to another level.
16:32I'm not talking about improving it,
16:34I just mean making it better.
16:37LAUGHTER
16:38Certain aspects of the show have been the same for a long time,
16:42the music while the thing goes round.
16:44Oh, yeah.
16:45And I just think we could do something with that
16:48using my favourite instrument from 1986.
16:51And I just think with this,
16:54take it up a notch, maybe with, er...
16:57maybe just a bit more tension, you know what I mean?
17:00LAUGHTER
17:01Get a bit more mayhem going, the adrenaline rush.
17:04Maybe do something with the lights, yeah?
17:07Put some explosions in.
17:09The ice sheets are melting.
17:12Kids are overeating.
17:14Ah!
17:16The tigers are crying, the oceans are drying.
17:19So quick, get numbers and letters
17:21and find out who's better before we all die.
17:24LAUGHTER
17:26Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
17:30LAUGHTER
17:40OK, he scores at the end of the first part.
17:42Arjean has ten points, John has 22.
17:45APPLAUSE
17:51And here's your teaser.
17:53The words are ARSEMUFF and the clue is
17:56THEY'LL KEEP YOU WARM ON A WINTER'S DAY.
17:59That's ARSEMUFF.
18:01THEY'LL KEEP YOU WARM ON A WINTER'S DAY.
18:03See you after the break.
18:05APPLAUSE
18:10Welcome back to Edit Of Ten Cats Does Countdown.
18:12The answer to the teaser, the words were ARSEMUFF
18:15and the clue was THEY'LL KEEP YOU WARM ON A WINTER'S DAY.
18:18It was, of course, EARMUFFS.
18:20So, John, you're in the lead in your pick of the letters.
18:23I will have a consonant, please, Rachel.
18:26Thank you, John. P.
18:28And another one, please.
18:30W.
18:32And a vowel, please.
18:34E.
18:38And another consonant, please.
18:40Q.
18:42BOLLOCKS.
18:44And another vowel, please.
18:46O.
18:48And another consonant, please.
18:50R.
18:53And another vowel, please.
18:55U.
18:57These are terrible letters.
18:59And another consonant, please.
19:01D.
19:03And another consovowl.
19:05LAUGHTER
19:07Oh, I thought I got round it. Let's have another vowel.
19:09The last one, A.
19:11Good choice. Thanks, mate.
19:13And here is the countdown clock.
19:15BELL RINGS
19:22LAUGHTER
19:45Um, John, how many letters?
19:47Six.
19:49Six. Sean?
19:51Um...
19:53If I said five, that'd be about right.
19:55LAUGHTER
19:57That'd be pretty close to how many I've got.
19:59OK, what's the word, Sean?
20:01It's five.
20:03Go on, what's the word?
20:04Oh, what's the word?
20:05Yeah, what have you got?
20:06Oh, I see. Right, I see.
20:07Prude.
20:08Prude?
20:09Yeah.
20:10Prude, OK. John?
20:11Uh, poured.
20:13As in, like, a liquid.
20:15David?
20:16I, uh, put another seven here.
20:18But, uh, it's nothing to do with me.
20:20Uh, and it is opaquer.
20:22Opaquer.
20:23Yes.
20:24Which means, of course...
20:25More opaque.
20:26More... Yes.
20:27LAUGHTER
20:29Yes, I imagine it does.
20:31If anything, you've made that clearer.
20:32Good.
20:33LAUGHTER
20:34OK, so the scores now.
20:36Uh, John has 28, and Sean has ten still.
20:40APPLAUSE
20:42What are you going to do?
20:47Time for the numbers again.
20:48Sean, your turn to pick.
20:49Well, Sean had a bit of trouble with the numbers last time,
20:51so I thought I'd change it up a little bit and, uh, give him a bit of help.
20:54For this round only, Sean will be allowed to play with a team-mate,
20:56and that team-mate will be Rachel Riley.
20:58Woo!
20:59APPLAUSE
21:01Yeah.
21:02Rachel, if you could go over there and join Sean.
21:04APPLAUSE
21:06Well, thank you.
21:07Thank you, Rachel.
21:08Now, obviously, uh, taking Rachel's place at the numbers board,
21:11please welcome mathematical genius Joe Wilkinson.
21:14APPLAUSE
21:20CHEERING
21:24So, uh, Joe, you any good at maths?
21:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:28LAUGHTER
21:30Rachel's not the only stunner who can add up.
21:32LAUGHTER
21:34OK, Sean, pick the numbers.
21:36Four large, please, uh, Joe.
21:39Right.
21:41Four large ones and a packet of crisps.
21:43LAUGHTER
21:45Right you are, Sean.
21:46LAUGHTER
21:48And one from the bottom.
21:50Not quite what you look like.
21:52Am I allowed to do... How many numbers am I allowed to pick?
21:54We want six.
21:55All right, six. All right.
21:56And one from some other... the other bit.
21:58LAUGHTER
21:59You don't look at them. That's cheating.
22:01LAUGHTER
22:07I imagine, Joe, you get done for shoplifting a lot.
22:10LAUGHTER
22:14Uh, ten.
22:16Ten.
22:17Three.
22:18Three.
22:19Hundred.
22:20Hundred.
22:22Fifty.
22:23Fifty.
22:24Don't know what that is.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:27Uh, that one.
22:28LAUGHTER
22:29Uh, 75.
22:30OK, and they're going for?
22:34Fuck that.
22:35LAUGHTER
22:41That's too easy.
22:42Yeah, we can't have one, it's just too easy.
22:45LAUGHTER
22:46Oh, yeah, yes.
22:48OK, the time starts now.
22:57LAUGHTER
23:00Whoa!
23:02Rachel's doing mine.
23:04Da-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da!
23:09Hundred and three. It's 300.
23:12So we're halfway there.
23:13Times 50.
23:16LAUGHTER
23:20Oh!
23:21150.
23:22Minus 100.
23:24That's 650.
23:25So, John, what did you get?
23:26Uh, 675.
23:28Sean, what did you get?
23:29675.
23:31Rachel?
23:32I got it. 676.
23:34We got it.
23:35We got it.
23:36We got it.
23:37LAUGHTER
23:38Let's see if we did it the same way.
23:40LAUGHTER
23:41Yeah, maybe, Rachel, you can tell us how you did it in a second.
23:44Tell me how it should be done.
23:45Oh, ladies first, go on.
23:47LAUGHTER
23:49All right, let's...
23:50Urgh, I feel sick.
23:52LAUGHTER
23:58You got, er...
24:00Argh!
24:01LAUGHTER
24:03Hundred.
24:04LAUGHTER
24:06Plus, er...
24:09Ten.
24:10LAUGHTER
24:11110.
24:15Er, to 50.
24:17And then it's, er...
24:19Seven.
24:20And then to ish.
24:22LAUGHTER
24:25Did you do it in the same way?
24:26Slightly different.
24:27Go on, how did you do it?
24:28You used a three, didn't you?
24:29Yeah.
24:30That's why I went, yeah.
24:31LAUGHTER
24:32I said 75 minus 25.
24:36Is...
24:3750.
24:38Correct.
24:39LAUGHTER
24:40100 divided by 50.
24:42Is two.
24:43Yes.
24:4450 adds two.
24:46Yeah.
24:47It's similar.
24:48And then ten plus three is 13.
24:50And 13 times 52 is 676.
24:53Whoa!
24:54APPLAUSE
25:04I'm back.
25:05Hey, Sean, I'm back.
25:07LAUGHTER
25:08Can I keep the pen?
25:10If you promise not to sniff it.
25:13Keep it, then.
25:14LAUGHTER
25:15Joe, welcome to the show.
25:17Thanks, Rachel.
25:18APPLAUSE
25:27Sean is on 20 and Jon is on 28.
25:29And here is your teaser.
25:31The words are PISS HOLE
25:33and the clue is,
25:34you'll need to spray and rub repeatedly.
25:38That's PISS HOLE.
25:39PISS HOLE.
25:40You'll need to spray and rub repeatedly.
25:42See you after the break.
25:43APPLAUSE
25:48Welcome back to Out of Ten Cats Judge Countdown.
25:50The answer to your teaser.
25:52The words were PISS HOLE
25:53and the clue was,
25:54you'll need to spray and rub repeatedly.
25:56And the answer is...
25:57POLISHES.
26:00Here's another fun Countdown fact.
26:02The youngest ever winner of Countdown was just 14.
26:05And that's a good example
26:06of how you can be a winner and a loser
26:08at the same time.
26:12OK, let's mix things up a little bit now.
26:14I'm going to give both contestants some help
26:16in the form of a team-mate
26:17who is a Countdown expert.
26:19Can you both pick a ball from this bag?
26:22I've fallen for this before.
26:23OK, this will determine your team-mate.
26:25So just pick a ball.
26:29I've got a red ball.
26:30You want to say something about that?
26:31That's Coventry.
26:34Play Leeds United.
26:35I'm a Leeds.
26:36Well, Sean, you've got the red ball.
26:39And that means you'll be playing
26:40with Britain's brainiest footballer
26:42and former Countdown winner,
26:44Clark Carlisle.
26:49Thank you.
26:52So, John, you picked the yellow ball.
26:53That means you'll be playing
26:54with renowned maths expert,
26:55Joe Wilkinson.
27:00Right, gentlemen.
27:01Well, let's find out a little bit about Clark.
27:03Clark is widely recognised
27:05as Britain's brainiest footballer,
27:06which is, let's face it,
27:08a bit like being Britain's
27:09most sexually active stamp collector.
27:12Sorry, John, no offence.
27:15Joe Wilkinson plays the creepy next-door neighbour
27:17in the BBC sitcom Him and Her,
27:19and he's been getting into character
27:21for the last 32 years.
27:24Very nice to have you here.
27:25So, Clark, you won twice.
27:27Yes.
27:28And then you lost to...
27:29Who did you lose to?
27:30A gentleman.
27:31I can't remember his name.
27:33Oh, you say that.
27:34It haunts you.
27:35It does.
27:36I blew a 21-point lead,
27:37which is unheard of, isn't it, really,
27:39in Countdown.
27:40Joe, are you feeling confident?
27:42Yep.
27:43Yes.
27:44Yes.
27:46Are you better on the numbers
27:47or the letters?
27:48I can count to well over 1,000
27:50before I black out.
27:53I've just noticed your mug.
27:55Oh, yeah, it's good luck,
27:56you know, which we, you know,
27:57we swap stuff, you know.
27:59I gave Susie a life.
28:01I gave Susie a life-size cutout myself.
28:04She gave me this shit.
28:08So, Sean, your turn
28:09to pick the letters.
28:10OK.
28:11Do you do it one at a time?
28:12I'll go first.
28:13Oh, let's.
28:14I'll have a vowel, please.
28:15Thank you, Sean.
28:17E.
28:18E.
28:21Now you next.
28:22Oh, consonant.
28:25Britain's cleverest footballer.
28:32Oh.
28:36A consonant, please.
28:37Thank you, Mark.
28:39P.
28:40Your own time, you two.
28:41A vowel, please.
28:43U.
28:44Ooh.
28:45Consonant, please.
28:47C.
28:48And I'll have another consonant, please.
28:51Z.
28:53Oh, my God.
28:54And another one, please.
28:57D.
28:58D.
28:59Dear.
29:00And a vowel, please.
29:03O.
29:04A consonant, please.
29:06T.
29:08And a vowel.
29:09And the last one.
29:11E.
29:12Ooh.
29:13OK, and your time starts now.
29:30LAUGHTER
29:46Right, what have you got, John?
29:49Er, six.
29:51OK, Joe?
29:53Um, well, I've got a multi-coloured pen,
29:55I spend most of the time choosing a colour.
29:58So I'm really...
29:59I've got four.
30:01Four.
30:02Yeah, but I chose a colour, so...
30:04OK, a little victory.
30:05Sean, what have you got?
30:07Four.
30:08Yeah.
30:09And Clark?
30:10And a six here as well.
30:12Let's hear your six, Clark.
30:13Pouted.
30:15That's what I got.
30:16That's what you've got.
30:17Can we do the thing where you show them the bit of paper
30:19so we know that you haven't cheated?
30:21No, that doesn't say pouted.
30:25It says ponted.
30:26There's no N in there, John.
30:29LAUGHTER
30:31Yeah, he had pouted, all right, give it to him.
30:33OK, all right, so you both got pouted.
30:35Just out of interest, what was your four-letter word?
30:37Paid.
30:38LAUGHTER
30:40Sean, what did you get?
30:42Zeep.
30:43LAUGHTER
30:46Zeep meaning...?
30:48It's a Spanish...
30:49It's like a fastening on trousers, it's a Spanish word.
30:51LAUGHTER
30:54APPLAUSE
30:55APPLAUSE
30:58Thank you.
31:00David, could they have done any better?
31:02Toupee is there, but that is the same number of letters,
31:07but it takes longer to say.
31:09Toupee.
31:12At the end of that round, John's team have 34 points,
31:15Sean's team have got 26.
31:17APPLAUSE
31:22On to our next numbers round.
31:24John and Jo, you're to pick the numbers.
31:27OK.
31:28LAUGHTER
31:30I didn't think you could look any funnier.
31:32LAUGHTER
31:35It's possible, it's an incredible achievement.
31:38John and Jo, go ahead and pick your numbers.
31:41Go on, mate, knock yourself out, please.
31:43Er...
31:44Four littlums and a two biggums.
31:46Oh.
31:48I can do that.
31:49Please, please.
31:50Two large ones, four small ones coming up for you.
31:53And for this round, the four small ones are three, six, eight,
31:57and another three.
31:58And the large one's 50 and 75.
32:02And the target, 396.
32:04I didn't write them down.
32:05OK, I'm going to try and do ten press-ups.
32:15LAUGHTER
32:23APPLAUSE
32:39So, the target was 396.
32:41Er, John and Jo, did you get it?
32:43I've got 398.
32:44I think I've got...
32:45Er...
32:46Yeah, say yeah.
32:47LAUGHTER
32:50Mark?
32:51I've got 397.
32:52LAUGHTER
32:55Sean, did you get it?
32:56Yeah.
32:57Go on, tell us how you got it.
32:58There's a set of three.
32:59Three, yeah.
33:00And then you've got the, er, the seven.
33:03Which seven?
33:04You add the five to the seven.
33:06Where's the five?
33:07What seven, Sean?
33:08Where's the seven?
33:09The 75.
33:10LAUGHTER
33:11That gives you 12.
33:13Take three off that, that's nine.
33:15So that gives you three and nine.
33:17Oh, you should have been watching, Sean.
33:19And then you use your six.
33:20LAUGHTER
33:22396.
33:24APPLAUSE
33:29OK, Clarke.
33:30Eight by 50 is 400.
33:32And take a three off.
33:34Eight by 50.
33:35400.
33:36And that's one away.
33:37397.
33:38APPLAUSE
33:45Deidre Barlow, I reckon she's got it.
33:47Deidre Barlow, what have you got?
33:4975 plus 50.
33:5175 plus 50 is 125.
33:54Times three.
33:56Times...
33:58..three?
33:59Yeah.
34:00You could have got it like that, but not like this.
34:02It's 375.
34:03We'll see.
34:05Plus eight, plus six, plus three, so...
34:08Yeah, it's near enough, isn't it?
34:10LAUGHTER
34:12It's 17, and that's 392.
34:14Yeah.
34:15Oh, it's three on six.
34:16LAUGHTER
34:17So can it be done?
34:18Yeah, a couple of ways.
34:19You could have said 50 times eight is 400.
34:2375 minus three, 72.
34:26Divided by the other three is 24.
34:28Divided by the six is four.
34:30And take it off.
34:32APPLAUSE
34:39OK, time for a bit more from Dictionary Corner.
34:41David, what have you got for us?
34:43I feel like Kantar needs a sort of Simon Cowell-type figure
34:46who's not afraid to be a bit, you know...
34:48Like, you guys are good, but you could be...
34:50Like, look what you're dealing with here.
34:52There could be a lot more sass.
34:54And I have...
34:55I've got some classic Countdown sass lines.
34:59Just some cutting comments over here.
35:02So say the next time John gets a four-letter word,
35:06Susie, you could say,
35:07Oh, you know what? I see another four-letter word, John.
35:11Shit!
35:12LAUGHTER
35:13And then the audience all start to chant,
35:15Crayons, crayons.
35:17And then Rachel comes over with a dunce hat
35:19and gives him crayons and a colouring book,
35:21and then he does that for the next round.
35:24That would be an option.
35:25Say someone gets an old-fashioned sort of word,
35:28like a frock or wireless.
35:31You could go,
35:32Hey, you're not on Countdownton Abbey.
35:36Right?
35:37And then it's like, zing!
35:39And then you high-five the front row.
35:41LAUGHTER
35:42And, you know,
35:43swing your top around above your head,
35:45something like that.
35:47And then I watch this show a lot,
35:49and very often,
35:50contestants are slightly drably dressed,
35:52like the lady in the glasses over there.
35:55LAUGHTER
35:57I'm feeling it'd be good to have
35:59some stock sort of put-down lines,
36:01or something like,
36:02Nice word, Jo,
36:04but that outfit makes you look like
36:06the sort of person who flashes mourners
36:08in a pet cemetery.
36:10LAUGHTER
36:11Simple ways of just livening up the old formula.
36:15APPLAUSE
36:17That's me.
36:18OK.
36:19You're not on Countdownton Abbey.
36:21LAUGHTER
36:22That is...
36:23That's one of the best jokes I've ever come up with.
36:26LAUGHTER
36:27That.
36:28And what's Jackie Chan's favourite dessert,
36:31creme brulee?
36:32They're my two jokes of the year.
36:34LAUGHTER
36:35APPLAUSE
36:40OK, the score's at the end of part three.
36:42Sean is on 33,
36:43Jon is on 34.
36:45APPLAUSE
36:47Next and next.
36:49And here is your teaser.
36:51The words are NEAT KNOB,
36:53and the clue is,
36:54comes in different colours and sizes.
36:56That's NEAT KNOB,
36:57and the clue is,
36:58comes in different colours and sizes.
37:00See you after the break.
37:02APPLAUSE
37:05Hello and welcome back to
37:07AI10Cats Does Countdown.
37:09Here's your answer to the teaser.
37:11The words were NEAT KNOB,
37:12and the clue was,
37:13comes in different colours and sizes.
37:15I know, I know.
37:16BANKNOTE.
37:17He's got it.
37:18APPLAUSE
37:22I saw it earlier.
37:23They scrolled it up and then...
37:25LAUGHTER
37:28OK, time for our final letters game.
37:30It's all still to play for.
37:31Jon, your turn to choose.
37:33Oh, you're still here, eh? Hello.
37:35Hello.
37:36Er, can I have a consonant?
37:38Er...
37:39LAUGHTER
37:41This is a problem.
37:42LAUGHTER
37:44There we go.
37:45Remember what they told you?
37:46Well, you didn't do it in front of the cameras, did you?
37:48LAUGHTER
37:52Not these cameras.
37:53APPLAUSE
37:55Don't you make a scene?
37:56LAUGHTER
38:00What do you want?
38:01Consonant.
38:02Vowel.
38:03Can we have a consonant, please?
38:04LAUGHTER
38:07G.
38:08And a vowel, please.
38:10A.
38:12And a consonant, please.
38:14L.
38:15Yes.
38:16And another vowel.
38:19E.
38:20There's a four, there's a four.
38:22LAUGHTER
38:24Twist it.
38:25LAUGHTER
38:27APPLAUSE
38:34OK, they're sticking.
38:35Do you want to twist, just see what happens?
38:37LAUGHTER
38:38Go on, your turn.
38:39Oh, God.
38:40We need an S.
38:41LAUGHTER
38:43Can we have an S, please?
38:45Shit!
38:46LAUGHTER
38:48Well, that's not good, is it?
38:49W.
38:50Er, can we have a vowel, please?
38:53O.
38:54And a consonant.
38:56T.
38:57And another consonant.
39:00R.
39:01And another vowel, please.
39:03And the last one.
39:05A.
39:06OK, your time starts now.
39:08MUSIC
39:33LAUGHTER
39:38Oh, shit.
39:39LAUGHTER
39:41Er, John, what have you got?
39:42Er, an incredibly risky seven.
39:45A very risky seven.
39:46Er, Joe, what have you got?
39:47Well, I find that quite distracting.
39:49LAUGHTER
39:51So I've got a risky four.
39:53LAUGHTER
39:58Er, Sean, what have you got?
39:59Six.
40:00Clark?
40:01Seven.
40:02Seven. OK, well, let's, er, let's hear these sevens.
40:04Oh, I've gone for gloater.
40:06Me too.
40:07So you've both got gloater.
40:08Sean, what did you get? What was your...?
40:10Legate.
40:11LAUGHTER
40:12That's good.
40:13APPLAUSE
40:16Legate.
40:18In fact, there's only one E, so you can probably have legate.
40:22Oh, of course, there's only one E.
40:23But you were almost there, Sean.
40:25LAUGHTER
40:28So what was your risky four, out of interest, Joe?
40:31Er, I was for gale.
40:33LAUGHTER
40:36OK, Sean now has 40, John has 41.
40:39It couldn't be closer as we go into the final numbers game.
40:42APPLAUSE
40:46OK, Sean, go ahead, pick your numbers.
40:48Er, two from the big.
40:50LAUGHTER
40:52And anything else you think's a good idea.
40:55Let's do this.
40:56OK, concentrate.
40:57Three.
40:58It's all to play for.
40:59One.
41:00Two.
41:01Five.
41:02And the large to be 25 and 50.
41:05And the target, 527.
41:08OK, let's count down.
41:21LAUGHTER
41:30LAUGHTER
41:39Ooh!
41:40Right, what have you got?
41:42I got...
41:43Well, I think we both... I was at 320... 527.
41:46LAUGHTER
41:47527.
41:48527, OK, you got that. And John?
41:50528.
41:51GASPS
41:54Er, Sean, take me through your working.
41:56Er, two times five is ten.
41:58Yep.
41:59Times 50 is 500.
42:00Yep.
42:0125 plus three minus one.
42:03Well done.
42:04APPLAUSE
42:12I have... I have never been so patronised...
42:15LAUGHTER
42:17..in my entire life.
42:19LAUGHTER
42:22Let's show him he can walk, can't he?
42:25Shouldn't he have some whisky?
42:29No, thank you. Thank you very much.
42:31Joe, what did you get there?
42:33I didn't even get close, but I'm all really here for eye candy.
42:36LAUGHTER
42:39OK, so the scores at the end of that.
42:42Sean has 50, John has 41.
42:44APPLAUSE
42:52It's pretty tense in here. It is all to play for.
42:54OK, time now for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
42:58This is just for Sean and John.
43:00Clark, Joe, no helping.
43:01Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
43:03So, it's the all-important Countdown Conundrum.
43:06Fingers on buzzers. Here we go.
43:09MUSIC
43:25BUZZER
43:31Come on!
43:39BUZZER
43:44Sean?
43:45I just couldn't help myself.
43:48I just didn't want it to end.
43:50I had such a brilliant day.
43:53John?
43:55OK, Joe?
43:56I just prefer it when it's just in the right order to begin with,
43:59so I didn't really join it.
44:01No, I don't know what's happening.
44:03LAUGHTER
44:05OK, Clark, did you get it?
44:07Is it husbandry?
44:08Oh!
44:09It is, but it doesn't count, but well done.
44:11APPLAUSE
44:17So, the final scores are Sean has 50, John has 41,
44:21and our winner tonight gets this limited-edition Countdown teapot.
44:25Look at that.
44:27APPLAUSE
44:30There you go. Congratulations.
44:32Thank you. Well done.
44:34Thank you. Thank you.
44:36Thank you for your help. Thank you, Rachel.
44:39I'd just like to say, John...
44:42In your face!
44:45John, anything you'd like to say to Sean?
44:48It's the worst day of my life.
44:51Some people have got it.
44:54He's got this brain, it's incredible.
44:56It's amazing. Sometimes I surprise myself.
44:58The closer you leave that to me, the greater chance of me shitting in it before you do.
45:02It's the best.
45:04What wonderful sportsmanship to see there.
45:07The great thing is about your victory,
45:09you can really get home and know you did it all yourself.
45:12And...
45:14No-one helped me. I got lumbered with this.
45:17LAUGHTER
45:21I think we're splitting up, mate.
45:25Thanks to all our players, our wonderful studio audience,
45:28Rachel, Susie, David, all the Romans for our alphabet,
45:31all the Arabic-Hindu mathematicians for all our numbers
45:34and all of you for watching at home. That's it from us. Good night.
45:37APPLAUSE
45:42The master of hip-hop, Grandmaster Flash,
45:45and R&B collective Soul2Soul
45:47take us right through the night with House Party,
45:50live from midnight here on Four.
45:52Up next, charting the entry of dance music into the mainstream
45:56with Idris Elba's How Clubbing Changed the World.