8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown. 2013 Special: Two.
First broadcast 19th April 2013.
Jimmy Carr
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
Lee Mack
Stephen Mangan
Richard Osman
Henning Wehn
Jimmy Carr
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
Lee Mack
Stephen Mangan
Richard Osman
Henning Wehn
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:04This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:30Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown
00:33Our reigning champion, it's John Richardson
00:37Ready for the rematch, it's Sean Locke
00:40In Dictionary Corner, he's Bowel Mouth
00:43It's David O'Doherty
00:45My word, it's Susie Dent
00:48She's a Math Magician, it's Rachel Riley
00:52Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:59Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown
01:03A show all about letters, numbers and conundrums
01:06Did you know, according to lexicographers
01:0940 is the only number that when written down
01:12has all its letters in alphabetical order
01:14Interestingly, 40 is also how old most lexicographers are
01:17before they see a naked lady
01:20The word crap comes from the last name of the person
01:23that invented the toilet, Thomas Crapper
01:27Narrowly beating designs by Thomas Shitter
01:29and Thomas, I'd leave that ten minutes if I were you
01:32Palindromes are words or phrases that read the same in both directions
01:36My favourite palindromes that I've ever come across
01:39are tit and boob
01:43Right, let's get started
01:51OK, let's meet tonight's players
01:53First up, it's our Cats Countdown reigning champion, Jon Richardson
02:05You can see Jon regularly in 8 Out Of 10 Cats, Stand Up For The Week
02:09and the Meals For One section of his local supermarket
02:14In 1998, chess player Garry Kasparov was beaten by supercomputer Deep Blue
02:21But later this year, Jon will seek to prove
02:23that there are still some tasks beyond modern technology
02:26when he takes on the computer at match.com
02:34And up against Jon is Sean Lock
02:44Laid-back Sean is best described as happy-go-fuck-yourself
02:51Sean never fails to see the funny side of life
02:54It doesn't matter whether he's shouting at a child or drop-kicking a kitten
02:57you always see him laughing
03:00Remind me, what happened last time you played?
03:03Through some weird sort of anomaly of scoring, Jon went home with a teapot
03:10An anomaly of scoring?
03:12Swatsy, planet head here
03:15Won, that's what happened
03:17We got the same train back and I had my teapot
03:20but I really wanted my nameplate for my desk
03:23and I thought I'd lost it on the train
03:26and I was on the train going, I think I've lost my...
03:29and your face really said, you are a penis
03:33and I also thought, now that's a shame Jon
03:35that would have been a really good memento to have
03:37you just said, it's just your name written on a piece of paper
03:41He's right though, I just hope for Jon's sake he doesn't win tonight
03:44because then he'd have more teapots than friends
03:55The tension, it's a grudge match, be honest
03:57As a form of humiliation, it's alright for you, you won
04:00It's awful, I'd rather do a bush tucker trial
04:03There's a certain dignity in eating a kangaroo's bollock
04:07which you don't get from losing at spelling quizzes
04:11So do you feel extra pressure?
04:13Because we're all expecting you to win by some margin
04:15No, we're not expecting that
04:18But I mean, what are you talking about?
04:20Everyone is expecting Jon to win
04:21It's horrible, I hope I lose, the pressure's...
04:23I can't get on a train, people are shouting letters at me
04:27It's horrible
04:28I see how you cope with the pressure
04:29I don't think it'd be a problem
04:32The jumbies just jumbled up
04:34I look at them, when the letters come up
04:36it just doesn't mean, I just don't see anything
04:38It's like a Dutch number plate
04:43What about that one? I mean, that one's easy
04:45Start with that one
04:47Out, I've got that
04:51I've got another word
04:52Yeah
05:00OK, over in Dictionary Corner today, it's David O'Doherty
05:09All right, yeah
05:11Send out the funny text
05:13Hey, we're all wearing novelty jumpers on Countdown
05:16It's going to be hilarious, David
05:18You all wear your fancy suits and I'm left here
05:22Looking pretty sweet, actually
05:25Very nice
05:26As an Irishman, David is probably more familiar with the Irish version of this show
05:30Count it down
05:39With his quirky, unkept appearance, David O'Doherty resembles a top university professor
05:44who's fallen on hard times, turned to alcohol and gone to live in a hedge
05:50Very nice to have you here, David
05:52It's what I meant to say
05:53It's a pleasure
05:54Yeah, it's fun, right?
05:55It's one of my top two favourite shows on Channel 4
06:00After Grand Designs
06:03Here's how much I love Grand Designs
06:06Dressed up as Kevin MacLeod for Halloween
06:08And he doesn't really have a look, so it's just a T-shirt with a leather jacket
06:11And when people didn't know who I was, to give them a clue
06:14I'd just be mildly critical of their interior decoration
06:17I really like what you tried to do here and it very nearly worked
06:23And with David is, of course, Susie Dent
06:31Susie likes nothing more than taking a dictionary to bed
06:34And having a good flick
06:35Just like your mum with Fifty Shades of Grey
06:48And in charge of numbers, it's Rachel Riley
06:57Rachel Riley is the sexiest mathematician in the world
06:59Which sounds impressive until you find out number two is Stephen Hawking
07:05Rachel Riley is as clever as she is beautiful
07:07But then again, so is Sean Locke
07:15OK, let's get ready to count down
07:16Time for the first game
07:17John, you get the first pick of the letters
07:19I'll have a consonant, please
07:21Thank you, John
07:22Start with a good one
07:24I don't think a consonant's a good idea, John
07:27We'll get rid of the R
07:30Do whatever you want
07:31I'm really easily led
07:33Oh!
07:35It's chaos already
07:39There'll be people, countdown fans, watching that going
07:41You can't do that!
07:44You can't go away with the first letter!
07:49Come on, pick your next
07:50I'm going to have a consonant
07:51Thank you, John
07:53M
07:54Oh, much better
07:55That's better
07:56And another one, please
07:58G
07:59I can't say that and not sound like a dick
08:02And another one, please
08:05M
08:06Let's bang another one out
08:11Do you write them all down?
08:12I would just write the last one, Sean, and see how you get on
08:17How you doing?
08:20I'll have a vowel, please
08:23O
08:24Someone gasped when I said vowel, then
08:29Yeah, let's shit another vowel in there
08:33E
08:34And another one, please
08:36A
08:37And another consonant, please
08:39F
08:40And another vowel, please
08:43And the last one
08:45O
08:46Right, well, for the first time today, here's the countdown clock
09:03APPLAUSE
09:21Right, um, how many letters, John?
09:24Just a five
09:25Sean?
09:26Haven't finished yet
09:28LAUGHTER
09:30Sean?
09:31What?
09:32How many you got?
09:33What, how many have I got?
09:34Yeah
09:35Oh, I've only got to count them up now, Jesus
09:38I'll give you a clue, you won't need the other hand
09:41One, two, three, four, five, six
09:45Six?
09:47OK, John, what have you got?
09:49But it is using my free letter that I've played
09:53Have you played your joker?
09:55Yes, I have a letter I use
09:58It's like an O, it's got a line through it and a smiley face
10:03I call it free letter and it counts as anything
10:07All right, four
10:09Four, Sean, what have you got?
10:11Fug
10:15How are you spelling fug in the traditional manner?
10:17F-double-O-G
10:21Fug
10:23As in to cart her in?
10:24No, no, as in I'm going to fug something
10:29You're using this in the sense of you're fugging this right up
10:32Yeah
10:34Which is very accurate
10:35Well, a fugger would have fugged things, yes, definitely
10:39A fugger would have travelled round the village and announcing
10:42Have you got anything to fug?
10:45And he would bring it out and they'd go,
10:47Oh, the fugger's here, and he would fug it
10:50Jon?
10:51I've got fug, I've just put an extra R in it
10:55I've got gnome
11:04David, did you do any better than gnome?
11:07Yeah, I've got X-mango
11:11There used to be a mango, but now it's just a rotting pile of flies and moles
11:18X-mango
11:21Susie, what could they have had?
11:22I'm afraid I've only got fives too
11:24Mange, not very nice
11:26Fango, which is mud from thermal springs in Italy
11:29So just fives was all that was possible
11:31You did as well as could be expected
11:33Thank you
11:35Not so much
11:36That really is the best we could have hoped for you, Jon, well done
11:40So at the end of that, Jon is in the lead with five points
11:48OK, Sean, your turn to pick the letters
11:53A vowel, please
11:54Thank you, Sean
11:56E
11:59Another vowel, please
12:01I
12:02Another vowel, please
12:06Another vowel, please
12:11Oh, please let it be an O
12:14I'll have to go for another vowel, please
12:18Oh
12:20E-I-E-I-A
12:24I'll have a consonant, please
12:26S
12:27S, and another consonant
12:30N
12:31Bash out a couple more, will you, darling?
12:35E and H
12:37Thank you
12:38And your time starts now
12:48LAUGHTER
13:12Make it out
13:13Made you nose
13:17Sean, how many letters?
13:18Five
13:19Five, Jon?
13:20Seven, I think
13:21Seven
13:23Sean, what's your five?
13:24Sheen
13:26What's your seven, Jon?
13:27Banshee
13:28Brilliant
13:29APPLAUSE
13:36It's a noise I hear a lot in the bedroom
13:38She screamed like a...
13:41As you peered at the window
13:43LAUGHTER
13:51David, could they have done any better than Banshee?
13:54I got a three
13:57Oh, it's just the biggest
14:00Yeah, we got some more sevens
14:02Hines, Hines, which Sean also might see a lot in the bedroom
14:05Those are people's buttocks
14:07And they might be wearing beanies, beanie hats
14:09But seven was the tops, again, well done
14:11APPLAUSE
14:17OK, Sean has no points and Jon has 12 points
14:20APPLAUSE
14:26On to our first numbers round
14:28OK, Jon, go ahead and pick your numbers
14:30Can I have two big ones and four small ones, please?
14:35You can, thank you, Jon
14:36Two from the top and four little numbers
14:39And for the first numbers game, they are 1, 5, 6, 10
14:44And the large two, 25 and 50
14:48And your target... Oh, dear
14:50Sean might get some, 400
14:53OK, I'm just going to see how many cream crackers I can eat
14:56Let's start the clock now
15:02You've got to put the pressure on me now
15:10LAUGHTER
15:29What have we got?
15:31What have we got?
15:32I think I've got it
15:33I've got...
15:356 x 50 is 300
15:376 x 50 is 300
15:395 minus 1 is 4
15:40OK
15:41Times 25 is 100
15:43Yay!
15:44I was there, I didn't get it till, like, the clock went...
15:47Is that why you shouted and went...
15:49LAUGHTER
15:51Well done
15:52APPLAUSE
16:00I did 25 minus 10 minus 6 minus 1
16:04Ah, the old easy way
16:0625 minus 10 minus 6 minus 1 is 8
16:09Times 50
16:10Times 50, 400, well done
16:12APPLAUSE
16:18OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner
16:20David, what have you got for us?
16:22Well, I am a big fan of Countdown
16:25And I just feel the time is right now
16:29No disrespect, to bring it to another level
16:32I'm not talking about improving it
16:34I just mean making it better
16:37LAUGHTER
16:38The certain aspects of the show have been the same for a long time
16:42The music while the thing goes round
16:44Oh yeah, yeah
16:45And I just think we could do something with that
16:48Using my favourite instrument from 1986
16:51And I just think with this, take it up a notch
16:55Maybe with, er...
16:57Maybe just a bit more tension
16:59You know what I mean?
17:00LAUGHTER
17:01Get a bit more mayhem going, the adrenaline rush
17:04Maybe do something with the lights
17:06Yeah?
17:07Put some explosions in
17:09The ice sheets are melting
17:12Kids are overeating
17:14Ah!
17:15The tigers are crying
17:17The oceans are drying
17:19So quick, get numbers and letters
17:21And find out who's better before we all die
17:23LAUGHTER
17:26Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait
17:29PIANO NOTES
17:32APPLAUSE
17:40OK, he scores at the end of the first part
17:42Arjean has 10 points, John has 22
17:45APPLAUSE
17:51And here's your teaser
17:53The words are Arse Muff
17:55And the clue is
17:56They'll keep you warm on a winter's day
17:58LAUGHTER
17:59That's Arse Muff
18:01They'll keep you warm on a winter's day
18:03See you after the break
18:04APPLAUSE
18:10Welcome back to Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown
18:12The answer to the teaser, the words were Arse Muff
18:15And the clue was
18:16They'll keep you warm on a winter's day
18:18It was, of course, Ear Muffs
18:20LAUGHTER
18:21So, John, you're in the lead in your pick of the letters
18:23I will have a consonant, please, Rachel
18:26Thank you, John
18:27P
18:28And another one, please
18:30W
18:32And a vowel, please
18:34E
18:38And another consonant, please
18:41Q
18:42Bollocks
18:44And another vowel, please
18:47O
18:48And another consonant, please
18:51R
18:52And another vowel, please
18:55U
18:56These are terrible letters
18:58And another consonant, please
19:00D
19:02And another conso-vowel
19:05LAUGHTER
19:06Oh, I thought I got round it
19:07Let's have another vowel
19:08The last one, A
19:10Good choice
19:11Thanks, mate
19:12And here is the countdown clock
19:14CLOCK TICKS
19:26LAUGHTER
19:45Um...
19:46John, how many letters?
19:47Six
19:48Six?
19:49Sean?
19:50Erm...
19:52If I said five, that'd be about right
19:55LAUGHTER
19:56That'd be pretty close to how many I've got
19:58OK, what's the word, Sean?
20:00It's five
20:01LAUGHTER
20:02Go on, what's the word?
20:03Oh, what's the word?
20:04Yeah, what have you got?
20:05Oh, I see, right, I see
20:06A prude
20:07Prude?
20:08Yeah
20:09Prude, OK
20:10John?
20:11Er, poured
20:13That's in like a liquid
20:14David?
20:15I, er, put another seven here
20:17That's, er, it's nothing to do with me
20:19Er, and it is opaque-er
20:22Opaquer
20:23Yes
20:24Which means, of course
20:25More opaque
20:26More, yes
20:27LAUGHTER
20:28Yes, I imagine it does
20:30Anything you've made that clearer
20:32Good
20:33LAUGHTER
20:34OK, so the scores now
20:36Er, John has 28
20:37And Sean has 10 still
20:39APPLAUSE
20:42What are you going to do?
20:46Time for the numbers again
20:47Sean, your turn to pick
20:48Now, Sean had a bit of trouble with the numbers last time
20:50So I thought I'd change it up a little bit
20:52And, er, give him a bit of help
20:53For this round only
20:54Sean will be allowed to play with a team-mate
20:56And that team-mate will be
20:57Rachel Riley
20:58Woo!
20:59APPLAUSE
21:01Yeah
21:02Rachel, if you could go over there and join Sean
21:04APPLAUSE
21:05Well, thank you
21:06Thank you, Rachel
21:07Now, obviously, er, taking Rachel's place at the numbers board
21:10Please welcome
21:11Mathematical genius
21:12Joe Wilkinson
21:13APPLAUSE
21:24So, er, Joe
21:25You any good at maths?
21:26Yeah
21:27Yeah, yeah
21:28LAUGHTER
21:29Rachel's not the only stunner who can add up
21:31LAUGHTER
21:33OK, Sean
21:34Pick the numbers
21:35For large, please
21:37Er, Joe
21:38Aye
21:39LAUGHTER
21:40Four large ones and a packet of crisps
21:42LAUGHTER
21:44Right you are, Sean
21:45LAUGHTER
21:47And one from the bottom
21:49Not quite what you look like
21:50LAUGHTER
21:51Am I allowed to do...
21:52How many numbers am I allowed to pick?
21:53We want six
21:54I want six, all right
21:55And one from some...
21:56The other bit
21:57LAUGHTER
21:58You don't look at them
21:59That's cheating
22:00LAUGHTER
22:05I imagine, Joe, you get done for short
22:07Er, Joe, you get done for shoplifting a lot
22:09LAUGHTER
22:14Er, ten
22:15Ten
22:17Three
22:18Three
22:19Hundred
22:20Hundred
22:22Fifty
22:23Fifty
22:24Don't know what that is
22:25LAUGHTER
22:27Er, that one
22:28LAUGHTER
22:29Er, 75
22:30OK, and they're going for...
22:34Fuck that
22:35LAUGHTER
22:37LAUGHTER
22:38APPLAUSE
22:42That's too easy
22:43Yeah, we can't have one, it's just too easy
22:45LAUGHTER
22:46Oh, yes
22:47LAUGHTER
22:48OK, the time starts now
22:50MUSIC
22:51MUSIC
22:52MUSIC
22:53MUSIC
22:54MUSIC
22:55MUSIC
22:56MUSIC
22:57MUSIC
22:58MUSIC
22:59MUSIC
23:00MUSIC
23:01MUSIC
23:02MUSIC
23:03MUSIC
23:04MUSIC
23:05MUSIC
23:06LAUGHTER
23:09Hundred and three, it's 300
23:12So we're halfway there
23:13Times 50
23:14MUSIC
23:15MUSIC
23:16MUSIC
23:17MUSIC
23:18LAUGHTER
23:20Oh
23:21150
23:22Minus 100
23:24That's 650
23:25So, John, what do you get?
23:26Er, 675
23:27Sean, what do you get?
23:28675
23:30Rachel?
23:31I got it, 676
23:33Oh
23:34We got it
23:35We got it
23:36We got it
23:38Let's see if we did it the same way
23:40LAUGHTER
23:41Yeah, maybe, Rachel, you can tell us how you did it in a second
23:43Joe, could you tell me how it should be done?
23:45Oh, ladies first, go on
23:47LAUGHTER
23:49All right, let's, er...
23:50Oh, I feel sick
23:51LAUGHTER
23:58You got, er...
23:59Ah
24:00LAUGHTER
24:03Hundred
24:04LAUGHTER
24:06Plus, er...
24:08Ten
24:10LAUGHTER
24:11Hundred and ten
24:13Er...
24:15Er, to 50
24:17And then it's, er...
24:19Seven
24:20Er, and then to ish
24:22LAUGHTER
24:25Did you do it in the same way?
24:26Slightly different
24:27Go on, how did you do it?
24:28You used a three, didn't you?
24:29Yeah
24:30That's why I went, yeah
24:31LAUGHTER
24:32I said 75 minus 25
24:36Is...
24:3750
24:38Correct
24:39LAUGHTER
24:40A hundred divided by 50
24:42Is two
24:43Yes
24:4450 adds two
24:46Yeah
24:47Just stick it similar
24:48And then ten plus three is 13
24:50And 13 times 52 is 676
24:53Whoa
24:54APPLAUSE
25:00Yeah
25:03APPLAUSE
25:05I'm back
25:06Hey, Sean
25:07I'm back
25:08LAUGHTER
25:09Can I keep the pen?
25:11If you promise not to sniff it
25:12LAUGHTER
25:13Keep it then
25:14LAUGHTER
25:16This is Joe, welcome to the show
25:17Thanks, Rachel
25:18APPLAUSE
25:27Sean is on 20 and Jon is on 28
25:30And here is your teaser
25:31The words are piss, hole
25:33LAUGHTER
25:34And the clue is
25:35You'll need to spray and rub repeatedly
25:37LAUGHTER
25:38That's piss, hole
25:39You'll need to spray and rub repeatedly
25:42See you after the break
25:43APPLAUSE
25:48Welcome back to Right Out Of 10 Cats Judge Countdown
25:50The answer to your teaser
25:51The words were piss, hole
25:53And the clue was
25:54You'll need to spray and rub repeatedly
25:56And the answer is
25:57Polishes
25:58LAUGHTER
26:00Here's another fun Countdown fact
26:01The youngest ever winner of Countdown was just 14
26:04And that's a good example of how you can be a winner and a loser at the same time
26:08LAUGHTER
26:11OK, let's mix things up a little bit now
26:13I'm going to give both contestants some help
26:15In the form of a team-mate who is a Countdown expert
26:18Can you both pick a ball from this bag?
26:21I've fallen for this before
26:23OK, this will determine your team-mate
26:24So just pick a ball
26:27All right, lovely
26:29I've got a red ball
26:30You want to say something about that?
26:31That's Coventry
26:32LAUGHTER
26:33I play Leeds United
26:35I'm a Leeds
26:36Well, Sean, you've got the red ball
26:39And that means you'll be playing with Britain's brainiest footballer
26:42And former Countdown winner, Clark Carlisle
26:45APPLAUSE
26:49Thank you
26:51So, John, you picked the yellow ball
26:53And that means you'll be playing with renowned maths expert, Joe Wilkinson
26:56APPLAUSE
27:00All right, gentlemen
27:01Well, let's find out a little bit about Clark
27:04Clark is widely recognised as Britain's brainiest footballer
27:07Which is, let's face it, a bit like being Britain's most sexually active stamp collector
27:11LAUGHTER
27:12Sorry, John, no offence
27:14LAUGHTER
27:16Joe Wilkinson plays the creepy next-door neighbour in the BBC sitcom Him and Her
27:20And he's been getting into character for the last 32 years
27:23LAUGHTER
27:24Very nice to have you here
27:25So, Clark, you won twice
27:27Yes
27:28And then you lost to... Who did you lose to?
27:30A gentleman
27:31I can't remember his name
27:33LAUGHTER
27:34Oh, you say that
27:35It haunts you
27:36It does
27:37I blew a 21-point lead, which is unheard of, isn't it, really, in Countdown?
27:41Joe, are you feeling confident?
27:43Yep
27:44Yes
27:45Yes
27:46LAUGHTER
27:47Are you better on the numbers or the letters?
27:49I can count to well over 1,000 before I black out
27:52LAUGHTER
27:54I've just noticed your mug
27:56Oh, yeah, it's good luck, you know, which we, you know, we swap stuff, you know
27:59LAUGHTER
28:00I gave Susie a life-size cutout of myself
28:04She gave me this shit
28:06LAUGHTER
28:08So, Sean, your turn to pick the letters
28:10OK
28:11Do it one at a time, I'll go first
28:13Oh, let's
28:14I'll have a vowel, please
28:15Thank you, Sean
28:16Arrr
28:17E
28:18E
28:19No
28:21No, you next
28:22Oh, consonant
28:23LAUGHTER
28:25Britain's cleverest footballer
28:27LAUGHTER
28:29APPLAUSE
28:36Consonant, please, Rachel
28:38Thank you, Mark
28:39P
28:40Your own time, you two
28:41A vowel, please
28:43U
28:44Ooh
28:45Consonant, please
28:47C
28:48And I'll have another consonant, please
28:51Z
28:52Oh!
28:53LAUGHTER
28:54And another one, please
28:57D
28:58D
28:59Dear
29:00And a vowel, please
29:03O
29:04Consonant, please
29:06T
29:08And a vowel
29:09And the last one
29:11E
29:12Ooh
29:13OK, and your time starts now
29:15MUSIC
29:27LAUGHTER
29:35I'm not taking it out on her, so...
29:46Right, what have you got, Jon?
29:48Er, six
29:50OK, Joe?
29:51Erm, well, I've got a multi-coloured pen, I spend most of the time choosing the colour
29:56LAUGHTER
29:58So I'm really... I've... I've got four
30:01Four?
30:02Yeah, but I chose a colour, so...
30:04LAUGHTER
30:05OK, a little victory. Sean, what have you got?
30:07Four
30:08Yeah
30:10And Clark?
30:11And a six here as well
30:12Let's hear your six, Clark
30:14Pouted
30:15That's what I got
30:16That's what you've got
30:17Can we do the thing where you show them the bit of paper so we know that you haven't cheated?
30:20Have a look
30:21No, that doesn't say pouted
30:23LAUGHTER
30:25It says ponted
30:26There's no N in there, Jon
30:28LAUGHTER
30:31Yeah, he had pouted, all right, I'll give it to you
30:33OK, all right, so you both got pouted
30:35Er, just out of interest, what was your four-letter word?
30:37Paid
30:38LAUGHTER
30:40Sean, what did you get?
30:42Zeep
30:43LAUGHTER
30:46Zeep meaning...?
30:47It's just Spanish, it's like a fastening on trousers, it's a Spanish word
30:51LAUGHTER
30:54APPLAUSE
30:58Thank you
31:00David, could they have done any better?
31:02Toupee is there, but that is the same number of letters, but it takes longer to say
31:09Toupee
31:10And it has an accent
31:12At the end of that round, Jon's team have 34 points, Sean's team have got 26
31:16APPLAUSE
31:22On to our next numbers round
31:24Jon and Joe, you're to pick the numbers
31:27OK
31:28LAUGHTER
31:30I didn't think you could look any funnier
31:32LAUGHTER
31:35It's possible, it's an incredible achievement
31:38Jon and Joe, go ahead and pick your numbers
31:41Go on, mate, knock yourself out, please
31:43Er, four little ones and the two big ones
31:48I can do that
31:49Please, please
31:50Two large ones, four small ones coming up for you
31:53And for this round, the four small ones are 3, 6, 8 and another 3
31:58And the large ones, 50 and 75
32:02And the target, 396
32:04Christ, I didn't write them down
32:05OK, I'm going to try and do ten press-ups
32:28APPLAUSE
32:36MUSIC
32:39So the target was 396, Jon and Joe, did you get it?
32:42I've got 398
32:43I think I've got, er, yeah, say yeah
32:46LAUGHTER
32:50Mark?
32:51I got 397
32:52LAUGHTER
32:55Sean, did you get it?
32:56Yeah
32:57Go on, tell us how you got it
32:58So the three
32:59Three, yeah
33:00And then you've got the er, the seven
33:03Which seven?
33:04You add the five to the seven
33:07Where's the five?
33:08What seven, Sean?
33:09The 75
33:10LAUGHTER
33:12That gives you 12
33:14Take three off that, that's nine, so that gives you three and nine
33:17Oh, you should have been watching, Sean
33:19And then you use your six
33:20LAUGHTER
33:22396
33:24APPLAUSE
33:29OK, Clark
33:30Eight by 50 is 400, and take a three off
33:34Eight by 50 is 400, and that's one away, 397
33:39APPLAUSE
33:45Deidre Barlow, I reckon she's got it
33:47Deidre Barlow, what have you got?
33:4875 plus 50
33:5075 plus 50 is 125
33:53Times three
33:55Times three?
33:57Yeah
33:58Yeah
33:59You could have got it like that, but not like this
34:01It's 375
34:02We'll see
34:04Plus eight, plus six, plus three
34:07Yeah, it's near enough, isn't it?
34:09LAUGHTER
34:11It's 17, and that's 392
34:13Yeah
34:14Oh, it's three on six
34:15LAUGHTER
34:17So can it be done?
34:18Er, yeah, a couple of ways
34:20You could have said 50 times eight is 400
34:2475 minus three, 72
34:27Divided by the other three is 24
34:29Divided by the six is four, and take it off
34:32APPLAUSE
34:40OK, time for a bit more from Dictionary Corner
34:42David, what have you got for us?
34:43I feel like Canta needs a sort of Simon Cowell-type figure
34:46who's not afraid to be a bit, you know
34:48Like, you guys are good, but you could be
34:50Like, look what you're dealing with here
34:52It could be a lot more sass
34:54And I have, er, I've got some classic Countdown sass lines
34:59Just some cutting comments over here
35:02So say, er, the next time John gets a four-letter word
35:06Susie, you could say
35:07Oh, you know what? I see another four-letter word, John
35:11Shit!
35:13And then the audience all start to chant
35:15Crayons, crayons
35:17And then Rachel comes over with a dunce hat
35:19And gives him crayons and a colouring book
35:21And then he does that for the next round
35:24That would be an option
35:25Say someone gets an old-fashioned sort of word
35:28Like, er, frock or wireless
35:31You could go
35:32Hey, er, you're not on Countdownton Abbey
35:36Right?
35:37And then it's like, zing!
35:39And then you high-five the front row
35:42And, you know, swing your top around above your head
35:45Something like that
35:47And then I, I watch this show a lot
35:49And very often, contestants are slightly drably dressed
35:52Like the lady in the glasses over there
35:57I feel it'd be good to have some stock sort of put-down lines
36:01Or something like, er, nice words, Jo
36:04But that outfit makes you look like the sort of person
36:07Who flashes mourners in a pet cemetery
36:11Just simple ways of just livening up the old formula
36:18That's me
36:19Okay, er, Countdownton Abbey
36:22That is
36:23That's one of the best jokes I've ever come up with
36:27That
36:28And, er, what's Jackie Chan's favourite dessert?
36:31Creme brulee
36:32There are my two judges here
36:40Okay, the score's at the end of part three
36:42Sean is on 33
36:43John is on 34
36:46Next and next
36:49And here is your teaser
36:51The words are neat knob
36:53And the clue is
36:54Comes in different colours and sizes
36:56That's neat knob
36:57And the clue is
36:58Comes in different colours and sizes
37:00See you after the break
37:05Hello and welcome back to AI10Cats Does Countdown
37:08The answer to the teaser
37:09The words were neat knob
37:11And the clue was
37:12Comes in different colours and sizes
37:14I know, I know
37:15Banknote
37:16He's got it
37:22I saw it earlier, they scrolled it up and then
37:27Okay, time for our final letters game
37:29It's all still to play for
37:31John, your turn to choose
37:33Oh, you're still here, eh? Hello
37:34Hello
37:35Er, can I have a consonant?
37:41This is a problem
37:44Yeah, there we go
37:45Remember what they told you before?
37:46Why didn't you do it in front of the cameras, were you?
37:52Not these cameras
37:55Don't you make a scene
38:00What do you want? Consonant
38:01Vowel
38:02Vowel
38:03Can we have a consonant, please?
38:06Well considered
38:07G
38:08And a vowel, please
38:10A
38:12And a consonant, please
38:14L
38:16And another vowel
38:19E
38:20There's a form, there's a form
38:24We're stick
38:34Okay, they're sticking
38:35Do you want a twist, just see what happens?
38:38Go on, you have to
38:40We need an S
38:44Can we have an S, please?
38:45Shit
38:48W
38:50Er, can we have a vowel, please?
38:53O
38:54And a consonant
38:56T
38:58And another consonant
39:00R
39:02And another vowel, please
39:03And the last one
39:05A
39:06Okay, your time starts now
39:19Oh, shit
39:39Oh, shit
39:42Er, John, what have you got?
39:43Er, an incredibly risky seven
39:46A very risky seven
39:47Er, Joe, what have you got?
39:48I find that quite distracting
39:51So I've got a risky four
39:58Er, Sean, what have you got?
39:59Six
40:00Clark?
40:01Seven
40:02Seven, okay, well let's, er, let's hear these sevens
40:04I've gone for gloater
40:06Me too
40:07So you've both got gloater
40:08Sean, what did you get? What was your...?
40:10Legate
40:12That's good
40:14One, one person
40:16Legate
40:19In fact, there's only one E, so you can probably have legate
40:22Of course there's only one E
40:24But you were almost there, Sean
40:28So what was your risky four out of interest, Joe?
40:30Er, I was frick gail
40:36Okay, Sean now has 40, John has 41
40:39It couldn't be closer as we go into the final numbers game
40:46Okay, Sean, go ahead, pick your numbers
40:48Er, two from the big
40:52And anything else you think's a good idea
40:56Just do this
40:57Concentrate
40:58It's all to play for
40:59Three, one, two, five
41:02And the large to be 25 and 50
41:05And the target, 527
41:08Okay, let's count down
41:16LAUGHTER
41:39Ooh!
41:40Right, what have you got?
41:42I've got...
41:43Well, I think we both... I was at 320... 527
41:46LAUGHTER
41:47527
41:48527, okay, you got that, and John?
41:50528
41:51Ooh!
41:54Er, Sean, take me through your working
41:56Er, two times five is ten
41:58Yep
41:59Times 50 is 500
42:00Yep
42:0125 plus three minus one
42:03Well done
42:04APPLAUSE
42:05APPLAUSE
42:12I have...
42:13I have never been so patronised...
42:15LAUGHTER
42:17..in my entire life
42:19LAUGHTER
42:20Ooh!
42:22Let's show him he can walk, can't he?
42:24LAUGHTER
42:25Show him he has a biscuit, here he comes!
42:28LAUGHTER
42:30No, thank you, thank you very much
42:31LAUGHTER
42:32Joe, what did you get there?
42:33I didn't even get close, but I'm all really here for eye candy
42:36LAUGHTER
42:39Okay, so the scores at the end of that?
42:42Sean has 50, John has 41
42:44APPLAUSE
42:52It's pretty tense in here, it is all to play for
42:54Okay, time now for today's crucial countdown conundrum
42:58This is just for Sean and John
43:00Clark, Joe, no helping
43:01Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
43:02LAUGHTER
43:03So, it's the all-important countdown conundrum
43:06Fingers on buzzers, here we go
43:09BUZZER
43:10LAUGHTER
43:12LAUGHTER
43:31Come on!
43:39BUZZER
43:41LAUGHTER
43:44Sean?
43:45I just couldn't help myself
43:46LAUGHTER
43:48I just didn't want it to end
43:49LAUGHTER
43:50I had such a brilliant day
43:51LAUGHTER
43:53John?
43:55Okay, Joe?
43:56I just prefer it when it's just in the right order to begin with
43:59So, I didn't really join it
44:01No, I don't know what's happening
44:03LAUGHTER
44:05Okay, Clark, did you get it?
44:07Is it husbandry?
44:08Oh!
44:09It is, but it doesn't count
44:10But well done
44:17So, the final scores are
44:18Sean has 50, John has 41
44:21And our winner tonight gets this limited edition countdown teapot
44:25Look at that
44:29There you go
44:31Congratulations
44:32Thank you
44:33Well done
44:34Thank you
44:35Thank you
44:36Thank you for your help
44:37Thank you, Rachel
44:39I just...
44:40I'd just like to say, John...
44:42In your face!
44:45John, anything you'd like to say to Sean?
44:47It's the worst day of my life
44:49LAUGHTER
44:50Some people have got it
44:52LAUGHTER
44:53He's got this brain, it's incredible
44:55It's amazing, sometimes I surprise myself
44:57The closer you leave that to me, the greater chance of me shitting in it before
45:01LAUGHTER
45:02It's the best
45:03More wonderful sportsmanship to see there
45:05Yes
45:07The great thing is about your victory
45:09You can really get home and know you did it all yourself
45:12And...
45:14No one else, mate
45:15I got lumbered with this
45:17LAUGHTER
45:22I think we're splitting up, mate
45:26Well, thanks to all our players
45:27Our wonderful studio audience
45:28Rachel, Susie, David
45:30All the Romans for our alphabet
45:32All the Arabic Hindu mathematicians for all our numbers
45:34And all of you for watching at home
45:35That's it from us, goodnight
45:43The master of hip-hop, Grandmaster Flash
45:45And R&B collective Soul to Soul
45:47Take us right through the night with House Party
45:50Live from midnight here on 4
45:52Up next, charting the entry of dance music into the mainstream
45:55With Idris Elba's How Clubbing Changed the World
46:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE