First broadcast 24th January 2014.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
Sharon Horgan
Dara O Briain
Adam Buxton
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
Sharon Horgan
Dara O Briain
Adam Buxton
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:31Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
00:35Jon Richardson, Sean Locke,
00:39Dara O Briain, Sharon Horgan,
00:43Adam Boxman, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:49Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:58Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:01a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:03Did you know, for example, technicolour vomit was added
01:06to the Oxford English Dictionary in 2011,
01:09when Susie Dent had too much to drink at the office party?
01:12LAUGHTER
01:14The fastest talker in the world can speak 637 words per minute.
01:19I'm guessing some of those words are terms and conditions applying.
01:22LAUGHTER
01:24And if you add up the numbers one to 100 consecutively,
01:27for example, 1 plus 2 plus 3, all the way up to 100,
01:30you can delay ejaculation for up to a minute.
01:32LAUGHTER
01:34Right, let's get started.
01:36APPLAUSE
01:42OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, it's Jon Richardson.
01:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:51Here's a fun fact for you, Jon Richardson backwards
01:54was a medical diagnosis made when he was eight.
01:56LAUGHTER
02:01And joining Jon tonight is Sharon Horgan.
02:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:08Sharon Horgan is a well-loved and extremely funny comedian
02:11best known for pulling. She's literally the opposite of Jon Richardson.
02:14LAUGHTER
02:16I mean, you've moved on. You've moved on to Sharon,
02:19and still I'm the butt of the jokes.
02:21OK, up against them this evening is Sean Lock.
02:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:31Sean is one of the most cheerful people I know.
02:33He could be watching an old lady falling over,
02:35looking on as a dog is put down, or witnessing a tragic accident.
02:38He's always got a smile on his face.
02:40LAUGHTER
02:42And Sean's team-mate, it's Dara Breen.
02:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:50It says here that Dara presents Mock The Week,
02:52which is a panel show that takes a comedic look at the week's news.
02:55Terrible idea, it's never going to catch on.
02:57LAUGHTER
02:58You were at Dictionary Corner last week. Was that good preparation?
03:01It was, because, I mean, it is quite freaky when the clock goes off,
03:04when the semi-functioning clock starts ticking.
03:07Why do they even put in the lines on the other side?
03:09The sad, lonely, cold, low face of the clock,
03:13which has never seen the action. The, er...
03:15Like yourself.
03:17LAUGHTER
03:19That just works, am I right?
03:21You need Dara, have fun on me. Are you sure?
03:23LAUGHTER
03:25So, Dara, you're better on the maths than the...?
03:27I'm terrible at the, yeah, words, yeah, no.
03:29Because I see, like, a four-letter one,
03:31and then I'll be really excited that I got gate.
03:34LAUGHTER
03:35Just me thinking about gates, and favourite gates I know,
03:38and how nice it would be, you know.
03:40And that'll be tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, gone, so...
03:43I've never gotten more than a three-letter word
03:46when watching this on TV, so...
03:48LAUGHTER
03:50Look at Jon's little face!
03:52LAUGHTER
03:53Yeah, when I look at letters in a row,
03:55I just, I kind of defocus, and my eyes cross.
03:58LAUGHTER
03:59You're a maths genius, presumably.
04:01I can't do maths.
04:02LAUGHTER
04:04I can count. I can count pretty high up, but...
04:08LAUGHTER
04:10OK, well, not holding out too much hope for you.
04:12LAUGHTER
04:14Jon, now, you're up against Dara this evening.
04:16Yeah.
04:17He's shown himself to be pretty good at the maths.
04:19Are you nervous about that?
04:20Erm, well, I was all right until Sharon dropped her three bomb.
04:24LAUGHTER
04:26But isn't Dara overqualified for this game?
04:29Isn't it unfair?
04:30Isn't it like Denise Van Auken on Strictly Come Dancing?
04:33I'm not doing maths in the West End professionally.
04:36LAUGHTER
04:40Don't you do, you do a TV show about maths?
04:42Yeah, but it's not, you know, numbers-based stuff.
04:44Sorry, that sounds ridiculous.
04:46LAUGHTER
04:47No, but it's more concepts and stuff like that,
04:49so it's not working things out quickly.
04:51Dara doesn't use numbers, you use letters.
04:53You do use letters and things like that, yeah.
04:55I never understood algebra.
04:56As soon as they started saying, it's letters, not numbers,
04:59I went, sorry, I'm out of here.
05:01Don't understand it.
05:02I think a lot of people must experience that.
05:04I'd say they do, yeah.
05:05And people come to me and tell me how much they hated it.
05:07And you kind of look at them going,
05:09what am I supposed to do, give you a hug?
05:11LAUGHTER
05:13So, John normally wins.
05:15We had a freak accident last week where Sean managed to do it,
05:18but if you win this evening, any plans for your celebration?
05:20Oh, God, I hadn't even thought of that.
05:22LAUGHTER
05:23No, I just take it coolly and calmly.
05:26It's just part of a new era of dominance.
05:28LAUGHTER
05:30Have you got a mascot this week?
05:32No, I haven't, because this isn't my only job, you know.
05:34I've got another job in life.
05:36And I'm on call.
05:38LAUGHTER
05:40I will have to take calls during the course of the evening
05:43to deal with various problems people have.
05:46I'm like Ask Jeeves.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:49Ask Sean.
05:50Yeah.
05:51So you might get a call during the show from someone asking you a question?
05:54Yeah.
05:55Like, what are you wearing?
05:56Yeah, they could ask you whatever they want.
05:58And the numbers aren't written on toilet doors.
06:00They're not written on these.
06:01People are paying a premium service.
06:02They pay into a monthly account,
06:04and then they can phone me and ask me stuff.
06:07LAUGHTER
06:09Dara, have you got a mascot?
06:10No, because somebody rang me up and said,
06:12do you want to bring a mascot?
06:14You know, a little cuddly toy.
06:16And I went, what the fuck are you talking about?
06:18I'm 41 years old.
06:19LAUGHTER
06:20Why would I have a cuddly toy to bring onto a television show?
06:23I'll tell you, there's one three-letter word Dara's not going to get tonight.
06:26Fun.
06:27LAUGHTER
06:29What's the point of fun?
06:31I should have brought something. What about a pen?
06:33This? You think I don't know how to fashion this into a mascot?
06:37LAUGHTER
06:38Well, going back generations, we've loved Stickman.
06:43LAUGHTER
06:45Little Sticky has always been there for me.
06:47I remember him there during my college exams.
06:51OK, Sharon, have you got a mascot?
06:53Yeah, I have.
06:55I told my daughter I was coming on this,
06:57and she's got this little kitty,
06:59and she said, why don't you bring Kitty? Kitty's really lucky.
07:02So, it's this here.
07:05LAUGHTER
07:08And I just wonder, can your daughter spell Kitty?
07:11Cos that's a five-letter word, and maybe we could do a swap.
07:14LAUGHTER
07:16Dara, are you happy about the calculator?
07:18It's not a calculator.
07:20Well, it is.
07:22It's a toy that's been in the family for generations.
07:25John, you got a mascot?
07:27I've got a mascot, mate.
07:28This is to coincide with the launch of my new range of cleaning products for men.
07:32You know that Just For Men has dispelled the myth that men go grey?
07:36Well, the myth that men are messy
07:39is about to be dispelled by my Just For Men range of products.
07:44So, I shall be writing my letters this week on a wipeable pad,
07:48and then I'm going to give that the best clean this thing's ever had.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:53OK.
07:55LAUGHTER
07:59Go on, get it!
08:02PHONE RINGS
08:07Hello?
08:09Yes, yes, it is me.
08:13No, that's... You've only got the bronze service.
08:18No, I can't help you with that.
08:20No, you have to upgrade.
08:22Go to the website,
08:24click on gold five,
08:27and then I'll say those things.
08:30OK.
08:39OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Adam Buxton!
08:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:47Adam says there's nothing he likes more than going to his shed
08:50in his dressing gown and listening to his own podcast,
08:52which, if nothing else, proves he has a very gullible wife.
08:57Adam, are you good with words?
08:59Sure, I like... Yes, I like words.
09:01I like to play word games.
09:04I'm married, after all.
09:10But I think my son invented a word.
09:12My young son, he's around ten,
09:14and he very earnestly said to me this year,
09:18Daddy, do all women have a vagina?
09:24The answer is, yes, they certainly do.
09:29At the bottom, of course, we have Susie Dent.
09:36Are there any words on Countdown you dread coming up, Susie?
09:39Yes, there is. I'm going to have to show you on the pen cam.
09:41I've never shared this with anyone before.
09:43It's too long for Countdown, but I always dread having to use the pen cam
09:46in this kind of area of the page, and it just always makes me laugh.
09:49It's a mineral called Comingtonite.
09:53Comingtonite!
09:56I feel like Comingtonite.
10:02And in charge of the numbers, we've got Rachel Riley.
10:11In 2012, Rachel took part in Celebrity Mastermind.
10:14There were three passes, two from John Humphries
10:17and one from one of the camera guys.
10:19Rachel, are you intimidated by Dara?
10:21He's something of a maths genius.
10:23It's not intimidating.
10:25I mean, not many people at parties don't talk about maths, but Dara, oh, yeah.
10:30Oh, yeah. Yeah, two maths geeks at a party.
10:32Oh, it's going off.
10:34Well, tonight, the teams will be competing
10:36for this set of his-and-hers Countdown underwear.
10:39There you go, look at that.
10:48What do you think, John?
10:50That's Mum's birthday soyed?
10:53Is this a genuine thing that we might win? Like, if we win it...
10:56No, no, you can't win it.
11:00It's a bit like a catalogue that's come to life, isn't it?
11:06I think they look more real than me.
11:09OK, right, let's get on with the game.
11:11Let's Countdown, everyone.
11:21Sorry, sorry about this, sorry.
11:27Yeah, no, I did once take out some payment protection insurance.
11:33I'd love to find out more about how you can help me.
11:36Just hang on a sec, I'm just going to go and find the paperwork.
11:39Carry on.
11:42OK, time for the first game.
11:44Sean and Dara, you get the first pick of the letters.
11:47Can I have a conscience?
11:50LAUGHTER
11:53What's that?
11:54It's just my pen.
11:58Cos it's fun to write, and it's right to be clean.
12:03V
12:04Vowel, please.
12:06I
12:07Oh, mathematical.
12:09Oh, not you!
12:11Just get a room, you two.
12:15Another consonant, please.
12:17T
12:18T
12:19Hey, brilliant.
12:24Someone's got a personal best.
12:28Another consonant, please.
12:30R
12:31Vowel, please.
12:33O
12:35Consonant, please.
12:37S
12:38A consonant, please.
12:40D
12:41Pit roast, is there?
12:44LAUGHTER
12:48A consonant, please.
12:50N
12:51And a vowel.
12:52And the last one.
12:54A
12:55And your time starts now.
12:59LAUGHTER
13:13LAUGHTER
13:27APPLAUSE
13:30What have you got, Sean?
13:31Six.
13:32Dara?
13:33Six.
13:34Jon?
13:35Seven.
13:36Sharon?
13:37Five.
13:38OK, what's your five?
13:39It's prods.
13:41Dara?
13:42Sprint.
13:43Sprint. Sean?
13:44Strand.
13:45And Jon, your seven?
13:46Spit rod.
13:50It's actually a very old cleaning device.
13:52You know when a nana would lick her finger?
13:55She used to call her finger a spit rod.
13:57And she'd lick the finger to wet it with spit.
14:00And, of course, now we don't need such things,
14:02cos we've got dust for men.
14:06You need spit when you've got this shit.
14:09OK, let's have a look at how this works.
14:14I don't have any wipes.
14:19OK, is spit rod in the dictionary?
14:21It's not. It should be.
14:25So that's six points to Sean and Dara.
14:31Could they have done any better, Dictionary Corner?
14:33They could.
14:34Susie has come up with a seven,
14:36which is sand pit.
14:38Sand pit?
14:39Yeah.
14:40Sorry about that. Sorry, I'll be in one more minute.
14:42I'm just looking for it now. Can you hold on? Thank you.
14:47So, at the end of that, Sean and Dara are in the lead with six.
14:54On to our first numbers round. OK, Jon and Sharon,
14:56go ahead and pick the numbers.
14:58Well, what's the easiest?
14:59You can have four big ones.
15:00The easiest is probably one big one and five small ones.
15:03Shall we go one big one, five small ones?
15:05Yes.
15:09One big one, five little ones.
15:11And they are five, one, another five,
15:15six, two and a large one, 50.
15:20And the target, 959.
15:22And your time starts now.
15:24BELL RINGS
15:35BELL CONTINUES
15:55So, the target was 959.
15:57Sharon, how did you do?
15:59Do you know, I didn't guess that one.
16:03You didn't get 959. How close did you get?
16:05It's going to sound crazy, but I got 3055.
16:09But then I was working backwards and then I ran out of time.
16:14No, no, another five seconds, I'm sure you would have won that.
16:18Jon, how did you do?
16:19I got 956.
16:21956, pretty close. Sean?
16:23I got 990.
16:25990, OK. And Dara?
16:27Nothing close.
16:28Yes.
16:29What?
16:33The pens got excited.
16:37Jon, how did you get 956?
16:39Well, now I'm really insecure that I haven't because Dara didn't
16:42and now I think I'm about to look quite the tit.
16:46If such a thing is more possible, wearing a pink T-shirt with a dusting pen.
16:50So, five plus five is ten.
16:53Five plus five is ten.
16:55Times by two is 20. Yep.
16:57Minus one is 19. 19.
16:59Times by 50 is 950. 950.
17:01And add the six.
17:02Well done, three away.
17:03Seven points to Jon, well done.
17:10Rosie, what have you done?
17:12You can get to 960, but 959 is impossible.
17:16Almost better that I didn't get the impossible one,
17:19which means I'm right.
17:21LAUGHTER
17:29OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
17:31Adam, what have you got for us?
17:33Well, Jimmy, I'm always impressed when I do watch Countdown
17:37with the focus of the people playing these games,
17:40how they manage to concentrate and come up with amazing answers.
17:43I always think if I was in that position as a contestant,
17:46I would find it very difficult, mainly because the inside of my head
17:50is like a kind of South London pirate radio station.
17:53I'll give you an example of what I mean.
17:56MUSIC PLAYS
17:58Countdown woman, give me some letter
18:00No, not that one, give me one better
18:02X and Q, them so foul
18:04Stop with the consonant, give me some vowel
18:06Come on, rain, two nice words
18:08Don't make me look like a big, thick turd
18:10Something wrong, four, six, threes
18:12If they get nine, it's in my face
18:14Numbers wrong, nasty shock
18:16I can't do the math with a musical clock
18:18Countdown, I'm having a countdown breakdown
18:24Numbers
18:27Lettuce
18:30Riddance
18:31My brain hurts
18:34Countdown breakdown
18:44Adam Buston, everyone.
18:46Let's check in on the scores.
18:48The scores at the moment are Sean and Dara are on six,
18:50Jon and Sharon are in the lead with seven.
18:55And here's your teaser.
18:56The words are SUCKTIME and the clue is VERY FILTHY.
18:59That's SUCKTIME, VERY FILTHY.
19:01See you after the break.
19:05Welcome back. The answer to the teaser,
19:07the words were SUCKTIME, the clue was VERY FILTHY.
19:10It was, of course, MUCKIEST.
19:12So, Jon and Sharon are in the lead.
19:14Yes, sorry about that, I was just watching Countdown.
19:19I can't find it at the moment.
19:21Would you call back?
19:23Bye.
19:24That's not dealt with.
19:26OK, time for the head-to-head rounds.
19:28They've been playing in teams so far,
19:30but this letters round is just for Sean and Sharon.
19:32So, Sharon, your turn to choose.
19:35Consonant.
19:37S
19:38Always a good one, though.
19:39Vowel.
19:41E
19:42Ooh, could be Sean.
19:46Can I ask a question? You can't have names, can you?
19:48Yeah. No, no, you can't have names.
19:50Even names that mean other things?
19:52Well, names, yeah, if it means the other thing,
19:54you can have the other thing.
20:01But weirdly, you don't call them names,
20:03you call them, what do you call them, nouns?
20:05Proper nouns. It's weird, isn't it?
20:07So we call them names.
20:10OK, Sharon.
20:12Consonant.
20:13L
20:15Consonant.
20:17T
20:18Vowel.
20:20O
20:21Consonant.
20:23N
20:24It's Alton!
20:27Consonant.
20:29Z
20:30Vowel.
20:31Don't look at me for reassurance.
20:35Consonant, I suppose,
20:36although this is all really disappointing, Rachel.
20:38No, vowel. Vowel.
20:39Oh, vowel.
20:42A
20:43And your time starts now.
20:58Consonant.
21:08T
21:09Vowel.
21:13T
21:14Vowel.
21:17I'll be with you in just a minute.
21:19How many have you got?
21:20Sean, how many have you got?
21:21I've only got five.
21:23OK.
21:24Sharon?
21:29You can have some extra time while I get my hog down.
21:31I'm going to try six.
21:33Four!
21:35Oh, come on!
21:36Don't be a dick!
21:38I've got chicken, you love chicken!
21:41Can I be the first to say I'm going to shit myself,
21:43if that doesn't matter?
21:46It's more likely to shit than you are, Jon.
21:50Oh, there you are.
21:52Oh, my good boy.
22:00Have a little bit of chicken, lovely.
22:01Sorry, how many have you got, Sharon?
22:03Six.
22:04Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
22:06I'm talking to him.
22:10Sean, what was your five?
22:11Ooh!
22:15And I got tones or tunes.
22:17Tunes.
22:18Tunes.
22:19Sharon?
22:20Er, sultan.
22:25A sultan? Is sultan in the dictionary?
22:27A sultan or a sultan?
22:29Sultan.
22:30Sultan.
22:31Sultan.
22:32Yeah.
22:36APPLAUSE
22:39Is my accent...?
22:40Is it written down? Is it written down?
22:42I chose not to write it down.
22:44That's fine.
22:45OK, I'm cheating.
22:46Yes.
22:47Sorry, this means quite a lot to me.
22:51OK, so five points to Sean.
22:53APPLAUSE
22:59Could there have been any relevant tunes?
23:01Yeah, if you've got tiny zones,
23:04then you've got zonules.
23:06Where are my zonules?
23:07I don't know where they are, but they're little zones on your body.
23:10Look at your magnificent zonules.
23:13LAUGHTER
23:15So, at the end of that, Jon and Sharon have seven,
23:17Sean and Dara have 11.
23:18APPLAUSE
23:22OK, time for a numbers round now.
23:24Jon, you're going head-to-head with Dara.
23:26Dara, it's your turn to pick the numbers.
23:28Two from the top and the rest from the bottom.
23:30Two from the top and four little ones.
23:32It's coming up.
23:34And the numbers are seven, three, six, ten,
23:39and the large ones, 50 and 25.
23:42And the target, 984.
23:45Your time starts now.
23:55LAUGHTER
24:02So juvenile.
24:16OK, the target was 984. Dara?
24:20982.
24:21982. Jon?
24:22Oh, 981.
24:24So, Dara, how did you do 982?
24:26Divide the six by the three.
24:29Six divided by three is two.
24:3150 multiplied by ten multiplied by two.
24:3350 by ten is 500, by two is 1,000.
24:36Yeah, plus seven minus 25.
24:38For the 18 to take away.
24:40Yeah, for the 18, yes.
24:42982, two away.
24:44APPLAUSE
24:50Rachel, could it be done?
24:52Erm...
24:53LAUGHTER
24:55If you need help with your time, ask me if there's anything.
24:58LAUGHTER
25:00I'm not sure on this one. I've got one away, so I'll have another look.
25:03You've got one away, but you think it might be possible?
25:05Yeah, it might be possible.
25:06I like the rules of this game.
25:07So you bring people on, you show them the numbers,
25:09then you give them something they can't get to,
25:11and you watch them go slowly insane.
25:13LAUGHTER
25:14OK, so seven points to Dara.
25:16APPLAUSE
25:21OK, so Jon and Sharon have seven points, Sean and Dara have 18.
25:25APPLAUSE
25:29I've actually got it now.
25:31Well, what time do you call this?
25:33I mean, show us how you did it.
25:35You could have said 25 minus three is 22.
25:39Correct.
25:40Multiplied by seven is 164.
25:42Yes, as I said.
25:44Add ten is 164.
25:49You want to finish it off?
25:50I know you don't, do you?
25:51LAUGHTER
25:53Times it by six.
25:55Is 984.
25:56APPLAUSE
26:00PHONE RINGS
26:01Oh!
26:05Hello?
26:06Yes, yes.
26:08Right.
26:11Oh, God, really?
26:13Oh, that's such a relief.
26:15Really?
26:17Oh, thank Christ for that.
26:19Oh, great, great news, thank you.
26:22It's Operation Yewtree.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:26APPLAUSE
26:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:35That's your... You pay for this service now to check you,
26:38so they just check everyone in the world,
26:41and then they say, no, you're fine.
26:43It costs a lot, but it means you can sleep at night.
26:46LAUGHTER
26:48Time to go across to Dictionary Corner. Adam, what have you got for us?
26:51Thanks, Jimmy. I was on the internet the other day.
26:54I don't know if you've been there. It's a game-changer.
26:58I came across some old clips of Countdown.
27:02It was embarrassing, but I lost control.
27:06I was enjoying particularly the ones of the numbers rounds,
27:10and I enjoy reading some of the comments,
27:12the reactions of the YouTubers underneath those clips.
27:15I thought I would share some of those with you... Terrific.
27:18..in what I like to call Commentary Corner.
27:22I did a logo there. I was a bit upset about the Y.
27:27It's not fitting properly, but there it is.
27:32So this is a cross-section of genuine comments
27:35from the internet users,
27:38beginning with one from RetroLenzel64,
27:41the 64th of the very noble RetroLenzel family.
27:47He says he's absolutely amazed at the skills
27:49of one of the contestants, the mathematical skills,
27:53and he says, I just went through how he managed to calculate it,
27:56and I'm stunned at how he managed to calculate it.
28:00Beggars belief.
28:04His level of amazement is as large as the belief of a beggar.
28:10That's an incredibly strong belief that beggars have
28:13because of the special brew which increases produlity.
28:19Well, here is a comment from VicMel30.
28:22He's been watching a Countdown numbers clip
28:25wherein the contestant chooses four big numbers, right?
28:29Ooh.
28:30VicMel is not impressed and says...
28:33Only wankers do four big numbers.
28:41Paul Ballbag...
28:44..has a comment...
28:47That's a fun name.
28:49He is one of many people who...
28:51I was surprised to find that people leave comments
28:54not just about the gameplay, but sometimes about
28:57the beautiful Countdown letter ladies, the statisticians,
29:00about Rachel and Carol Vorderman as well.
29:03Paul Ballbag...
29:06..has a comment directed at Carol Vorderman.
29:09This is a clip that he was watching where Carol is chuckling
29:12with amazement at the skills of one of the contestants
29:15chuckling away there, and Paul...
29:17It's too much for Paul Ballbag.
29:19He says to Carol, do your job and stop laughing until...
29:24LAUGHTER
29:29And here is one of the many, many comments directed at you, Rachel.
29:33This is a nice comment from TurtleJizz.
29:36LAUGHTER
29:42I'm assuming that is the answer to the question,
29:45what is the slowest kind of jizz?
29:48LAUGHTER
29:50LAUGHTER
29:55TurtleJizz says...
29:58..says about you, Rachel,
30:00I would drag my balls through ten miles of broken glass
30:05just to hear her fart through a walkie-talkie.
30:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
30:21Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Buxton.
30:27The scores at the moment, John and Sean have seven points,
30:30Sean and Dara have 18, and here is your teaser.
30:33The words are A PALE JOHN, and the clue is SO HOT.
30:37That's A PALE JOHN, SO HOT.
30:40See you after the break.
30:44Welcome back, the answer to the teaser,
30:46the words were A PALE JOHN, and the clue was SO HOT.
30:49And, of course, JALAPENO.
30:51Before we move on, it's time to welcome once again Joe Wilkinson.
30:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:05Mike Camden!
31:09Mike Camden!
31:11WHISTLES
31:13LAUGHTER
31:15Oh, yeah.
31:17LAUGHTER
31:21Joe, what's going on, mate?
31:23Oh, er, oh, Fabio, Fabio, grab this.
31:28Thanks, mate.
31:30That's, er, that's my half-brother, Fabio.
31:35Great body, but thick as pig shit.
31:39What's going on?
31:40Oh, er, yeah, I've, er, I've been promoted again.
31:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:45I've had a youth development, er, cos I'm pretty funky,
31:48so basically, er, they want to get young people watching the show,
31:52cos apparently only old people watch this shit, and, er...
31:55So I had a couple of choices, a couple of ideas.
31:58I could either get, er, the boy band One Direction on the show,
32:01let them do a couple of songs,
32:03or I could dress up as a lion.
32:08Yeah, I feel I may have made the wrong...
32:12But it's not too hard, I've got lots of ideas to get them watching.
32:15I've got, like, er, got, like, a nest of tables.
32:20Look at that.
32:22It sort of makes the set look like a sort of cool rapper's bungalow.
32:28It's quite nice. This is a bit of a clincher.
32:30I bought my map of the UK canal system.
32:35And I thought we could all sort of choose...
32:38Can you hold that for a sec?
32:40..choose our favourite canal.
32:44So I thought we'd just do a little talk on that
32:47and actually get the party started.
32:49Until then...
32:51Let's play Countdown!
33:02OK, on with the game. Sean and Dara, your turn to choose the letters.
33:05I can help with this, I'll do the vowels.
33:08I'll have a vowel, then, please.
33:10I'm going to do it like a bingo caller.
33:13Two fat ladies!
33:15I
33:17Yes, the young people famously love their bingo.
33:21Can I have a consonant, please?
33:24R
33:25Can I have another consonant, please?
33:28C
33:29And a vowel?
33:30Clickety-click!
33:33O
33:35LAUGHTER
33:37Consonant, please.
33:39V
33:40V?
33:41Fuck off.
33:43Another consonant, please.
33:45R
33:47A vowel?
33:48Urinate down a funnel?
33:52An E
33:54Consonant, please.
33:56P
33:57And another vowel, please.
33:59Oblong testicles!
34:02O
34:03And your time starts now.
34:34LAUGHTER
34:37Sean, what have you got?
34:39Oh, um... I think I've got a six, but I... Yes, six.
34:49Um, Jon, what have you got?
34:51Nine!
34:52Oh!
34:54That's amazing.
34:56It's all settled down.
34:58OK, Sean, what have you got?
35:00OK, Sean, what have you got?
35:02Er...
35:04OK, six.
35:05Dara.
35:06I've got a five.
35:07What's your five?
35:08Oh, just a voice, but I'm going to be a voicer as well, so...
35:11Anyway, er, voice.
35:12Voice.
35:13Yeah.
35:14OK, Sharon?
35:15I said, er, voicer. Is that a thing?
35:17Yes.
35:18You can be a voicer.
35:19Yeah, very good.
35:20OK.
35:21LAUGHTER
35:23Very nicely styled out there by Sharon Horgan.
35:26Aw!
35:27Who definitely had voicer, yeah, no question.
35:29You cocks!
35:30You just read it down, so you can't argue with that.
35:32She wouldn't cheat twice in a show, I'm sure.
35:34I took that cheat back for you.
35:36You did? That was very kind of you.
35:38Jon, what did you get?
35:40Well, I...
35:41I only realised that I've just written down a French word.
35:44Oh.
35:45Poivre.
35:46As in the word for pepper.
35:47P-O-I-V-R-E.
35:49Yeah, what's the deal with, like, foreign words
35:52that crop up in regular English speech?
35:54Er, the ones that really do regularly crop up are in,
35:57but I don't think people ask for poivre very often.
36:00LAUGHTER
36:01That's a real shame, isn't it?
36:03It's a shame, yeah.
36:04LAUGHTER
36:05A bit of hush.
36:06This is, Jon, this is your first chance to get a nine.
36:09Well, as the letters were coming out,
36:11I thought, this is spelling corrosive, this is.
36:13And it got right to the end, and then that P came out,
36:16and I was so angry that I'm just going with coropive.
36:19LAUGHTER
36:21I'm just going to refuse to believe it's not a word.
36:24Coropive.
36:25Coropive.
36:26Coropive.
36:27Something that's not quite corrosive.
36:29LAUGHTER
36:30Was coropive in there, Susie?
36:32No, it's a very sweet word, but it's not in.
36:34So, six points to Sharon.
36:36APPLAUSE
36:42Adam, Susie, could they have done any better?
36:44Apparently so, yeah.
36:45Overcrop, if you overcrop something.
36:47There is a crop over as well, but that's hyphenated.
36:50There you go.
36:52LAUGHTER
36:56APPLAUSE
37:02So, at the end of that, John and Sharon have 13,
37:04Sean and Dara are in the lead with 18.
37:06APPLAUSE
37:12On to another numbers round now.
37:14OK, John and Sharon, you'll pick the numbers.
37:16Slam a couple of big ones out there and see what else we've got.
37:19Two lion-sized ones and four little cobs.
37:22Yeah, go for it.
37:23Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:25You should do it in, like, some kind of wrap thing
37:27if you're trying to get the kids into it.
37:32Cook some shit, don't you?
37:35Four little ones as well.
37:37Oh, right, OK.
37:39From all round.
37:40Don't just get them all from the same one.
37:42A bit late now.
37:46Er, two, eight, four, six, 50.
37:53Oh, it's my lottery numbers.
37:56Oh, it is. Never win.
37:59Good luck, everyone.
38:01I did drama.
38:05OK, your time starts now.
38:09I think even Dara should be able to do this one.
38:14I can't see the numbers.
38:23LAUGHTER
38:39Dara, do you get it?
38:41Yes.
38:42OK.
38:43Sean?
38:44Yes.
38:45Jon?
38:46Yes.
38:47Sharon?
38:48Yes, I think.
38:49How do you do, Sharon?
38:50Can you use a number twice?
38:51Oh!
38:52I'll ask the others and then I'll just finish working at my one.
38:55OK, Dara, how did you do?
38:57Er, it's 50 by four, plus eight by two.
39:00Stop smelling the pen, Joe.
39:04Er, four times 50.
39:08Pen's run out, mate, I can't give you the points.
39:13And eight times two.
39:18I'm not left-handed.
39:23APPLAUSE
39:28Jon, how did you do?
39:29Er, 100 plus eight times two.
39:32Plus eight...
39:35..times two.
39:36Oh, yeah.
39:37Oh, that's cocky, mate, you don't get any of that.
39:40Ten points to both teams.
39:41APPLAUSE
39:46The scores at the moment, Jon and Sharon have 23,
39:49Sean and Dara have 28.
39:51APPLAUSE
39:53Here's your final teaser.
39:55The words are LADSHAPE and the clue is DARA O'BRIEN.
39:59That's LADSHAPE, DARA O'BRIEN.
40:01See you after the break.
40:02APPLAUSE
40:06Welcome back.
40:07The answer to the teaser, the words were LADSHAPE
40:09and the clue was DARA O'BRIEN.
40:11Did you get it, Dara?
40:12Yes.
40:13Slaphead.
40:14LAUGHTER
40:15I didn't come up with it.
40:17Oh, yeah, you just delivered the cruelty.
40:19LAUGHTER
40:20OK, time for our final letters game.
40:22Sharon, your turn to choose.
40:23OK.
40:25Right, vowel, please.
40:28A
40:29Consonant, please.
40:31S
40:32OK, that's a word. Brilliant.
40:35Vowel.
40:36E
40:38Oh, congratulations, Sharon!
40:41You've won this week's mystery prize!
40:45APPLAUSE
40:47Dotty, bring out her prize!
40:50Dotty!
40:51APPLAUSE
40:54You've won £600 of comic vouchers!
40:58LAUGHTER
40:59APPLAUSE
41:04Right, Joan...
41:05Comic's gone bust, hasn't it?
41:07Not my problem.
41:08LAUGHTER
41:10APPLAUSE
41:12APPLAUSE
41:18If we weren't lovers, I would not work with her.
41:20LAUGHTER
41:22OK, Sharon.
41:23Consonant.
41:25T
41:28Vowel.
41:30O
41:31Consonant.
41:33W
41:34Vowel.
41:36E
41:37Consonant.
41:39F
41:40Erm...
41:41Consonant.
41:42B
41:43And your time starts now.
42:10MUSIC
42:16Joan, what have you got?
42:17Six.
42:18Sharon?
42:20Er, five.
42:22Dara?
42:23Five.
42:24Sean?
42:26Hey?
42:27LAUGHTER
42:29Sean, love, how many letters did you get?
42:31Oh, I just had them up.
42:33LAUGHTER
42:34Or write down a new one if you want.
42:36No, I just had them up.
42:37One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
42:41Ooh, Sharon, what was your five?
42:43T's.
42:44Dara?
42:45Waste.
42:46Waste.
42:47Joan, your six?
42:48Er, fewest.
42:50Nice.
42:51Sean, your eight?
42:52Buffoest.
42:54Buffoest.
42:56What does it mean?
42:57What does it mean? I don't make these stupid words up.
43:00LAUGHTER
43:01Buffoest, is that in there?
43:03Er, no.
43:04Could they have done any better over there in Dictionary Corner?
43:07Well, we had fatso
43:09and...
43:10That's not better, though. It's five.
43:12Bisto, six still.
43:14Er, I'm disappointed that sweetfob is not a word.
43:18LAUGHTER
43:19It's just struck me, Adam, that you look a bit like me in disguise.
43:23LAUGHTER
43:25If I was, like...
43:26If I was going undercover, I would grow a beard and wear glasses
43:29and then we're the same, right?
43:30It's like Saul in Homeland.
43:32I'm Saul from Homeland, yeah.
43:34Carrie, God damn it, you've let us down again.
43:36LAUGHTER
43:38OK, so that's six points to Jon.
43:40APPLAUSE
43:44OK, well, if you'd not be tighter, Sean and Dara have 28,
43:47Jon and Sharon have 29, and there's just one point in it.
43:50OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
43:54MUSIC
44:07LAUGHTER
44:25LAUGHTER
44:27That's a thrilling end, isn't it?
44:29LAUGHTER
44:30Rachel, did you get it?
44:31I was trying to, like, Sharon cheat, but she wasn't looking.
44:34LAUGHTER
44:36Ponytails.
44:37Well, let's have a look.
44:38APPLAUSE
44:47That's the maths and the conundrum.
44:49LAUGHTER
44:51So, the final scores are, Sean and Dara have 28 points,
44:54but tonight's winners, with just one more, 29, Jon and Sharon.
44:57APPLAUSE
45:01OK.
45:02Congratulations.
45:04You are now the cloud owners of his and hers Countdown underwear.
45:12Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
45:14and to all of you for watching at home, that's it from us.
45:16Goodnight.
45:17APPLAUSE
45:21One out, one in.
45:22As Catsters' Countdown finishes, the last leg returns.
45:25Adam, Josh and Alex are back on four and back on Fridays at ten.
45:30Remember, scrubs, remove the docks, add some cops,
45:32and you've got E4's award-winning new comedy Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
45:36which is on at Thursdays at nine.
45:38And it's on 4OD if you've missed any of it so far.
45:40Next tonight, we're off on a gypsy holiday.
45:43APPLAUSE