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Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh, yeah. I ain't stopped since you went out.
00:14How's the audition going? Don't ask. Just don't ask.
00:18He got me up on the stage singing I'm going to the chapel and I'm going to get married.
00:22I mean, look at me. Well, I reckon it was your choice of song, Raquel, you see.
00:27I think next time we should choose something a bit more modern, like one of the Madonna numbers, you know?
00:32How about Like a Virgin?
00:35That's it, yeah. Something like that.
00:37Hey, come on, listen. You shouldn't be standing up in your condition, should you?
00:40Now, come on. Come and sit down. Sit down over here.
00:42Come and sit in this chair because it's nice and warm.
00:48I was going to make some tea.
00:50No, no, no. Don't you worry about that. I'll make a pot of tea. Rodney, make a pot of tea.
00:55How come I've got to do it?
00:56Because Raquel is pregnant and your uncle's knackered. Now, go on.
00:59Yeah, and I'm supposed to be out of work.
01:01Not compulsory, Rodney. Government do allow you to make a pot of tea.
01:05And what I'm saying, Unc, is what about Brian Epstein here?
01:08Look, I've got all my correspondents to catch up with, haven't I?
01:11Oh, what, one letter? And as for Raquel...
01:14I'll make the tea.
01:16Honestly, it's all right for some little dipstick, innit, eh?
01:19They go and jolly up down the pub every night and then crawl out of bed when he hears the theme tune to Home and Away.
01:25But me, I'm a captain of industry, me, ain't I, eh?
01:27I deal with clients and organisations by household names.
01:31Oh, yeah. Like Parkhurst.
01:34Rodney, none of my mates are in Parkhurst.
01:36Captain of industry? More like a bloody stowaway.
01:40I mean, you really get off on this yuppie trick, don't you?
01:43So, what's the latest brainwave? Fax machines.
01:46They're handy things to have, Rodney.
01:48Oh, yes, for normal people, Uncle, yes.
01:51But he don't know anybody else who's got another fax machine.
01:55And that is why, in the two months he's been wired up to the worldwide digital miracle, he ain't had one message.
02:03You got a message on your fax machine, girl?
02:07So, what does it feel like to be a plonker then, Rodney, eh?
02:10This message, it could have come from anywhere in the world.
02:12This could have come from Rome, New York, Tokyo.
02:17Oh, it's from Mike at the Nags Head.
02:19Yes, he had the foresight, you see, to buy one of my machines, and I bet he's double glad that he did.
02:25Oh, blimey, and half a moaner though, ain't he, eh?
02:27Look at this. This message starts, machine no working prop.
02:31God, no. What does he expect for 45 quid, eh?
02:35Oh, yeah, that's interesting.
02:37Yeah, listen to this. I've only invited to a school reunion tonight.
02:42You're kidding.
02:43No, straight up, it's for the pupils of Class 4C who left the Martin Luther King Comprehensive in 1962.
02:49Yeah, that used to be the old Dockside Secondary Modern.
02:52Yeah, it's a turn-up for the book, isn't it? I'm going to see all my old schoolmates.
02:55Yeah. Did you suffer from seasickness?
02:57No, why's that?
02:58Well, it just gets very choppy on the Isle of Wight ferry, you know.
03:01For the last time, Rodney, my mates are not in Parkhurst.
03:05Anyway, it's not. It's, look, it's in the Nags Head tonight.
03:08Why don't you come along anyway? You might cheer yourself up, you miserable devil.
03:11Hey, Raquel, guess what? Listen, you'll never guess.
03:14I've only been invited to a school reunion tonight at the old Nags Head.
03:17That'd be nice for you.
03:18Yeah, it'd be great, wouldn't it, eh? What's up?
03:20Nothing.
03:21Hey, come on, come on, there's something up, something's bothering you.
03:24I can tell.
03:25Was it that audition? Because if it was, look, that Gita was right out of order.
03:29No, no, it's nothing to do with that. It's this letter.
03:31It's from my solicitors. They've managed to trace my husband's whereabouts and told him that I've started divorce proceedings.
03:36Oh, well, that's good then, isn't it, eh? What's he say?
03:38His solicitors say that he is considering his response.
03:41Oh, that's all right. What's wrong with that?
03:44I mean, you know, you've been apart for eight years, haven't you, and in all that time, have you ever seen him or heard anything from him?
03:50No, nothing. You don't know him like I do, Dale. He can be horrible when he wants to be.
03:54I wish you'd never suggested starting divorce proceedings.
03:57Now, don't go on about that. Come on, Raquel, it's going to be all right, isn't it?
04:01I mean, he can't do you any harm, can he, eh? Because he doesn't even know where you live.
04:06And even if he did know where you live, he'd have to go through me first.
04:10Eh? So you just forget it. You let the solicitors solicit, eh?
04:17Because I want us to be pucker. I want to be married and all the exes.
04:22Right? Because I know that little face-ache in there, he weren't planned, but well, he's here now, isn't he?
04:27All her? Yeah, all her.
04:30You know what? If I was any happier, I'd be dangerous.
04:36Because you see, you and him or her are the best things that's ever happened to me.
04:42Since, well, since me mum died.
04:49You understand what I'm saying? Well, I think so.
04:53Yeah, well, don't worry, eh? I promise.
04:56All right, Dale. You know best.
04:58That's it. Good girl. You know it makes sense, because I'd do anything for you, you know. Anything.
05:03Anything? Yep.
05:05All right. Promise me you won't get drunk with your mates tonight.
05:13On your bike.
05:18Well, this is bloody ridiculous. The reunion's supposed to start at half past seven and look at it, it's almost ten past eight.
05:24Who organised this reunion anyway?
05:26What? Ain't here yet? Who?
05:28Your host. The bloke was paying for all this.
05:31Said he was going to arrive late. Think he wants to make an entrance, surprise you all.
05:35Who is it, Mike? Come on, who is it? Who is it?
05:37I don't know, Dale. He just came in yesterday. He said he wanted a room for a school reunion.
05:41Oh, I want to have a word with you about that fax machine you sold me.
05:44Yes, yes, yes. All right, Michael. You know, I'm busy at the moment. I'll fax you about it during the week.
05:48So what was this bloke's name?
05:51No, I didn't catch it.
05:52Well, didn't you get his name on your receipt and in your accounts?
05:55No, no, I forgot. In other words, he paid cash.
05:58Yeah, yeah, that's right.
06:00Well, what was he like? Was he tall?
06:03Yeah, tall-ish. Ear. He didn't have a scar, did he, running from the bridge of his nose right down to the corner of his mouth?
06:08And his right ear was missing?
06:09No, not that I noticed, no.
06:12It ain't our old headmaster, then.
06:16Could it be our old headmaster? Doctor said he'd never be allowed back into society.
06:27Trigger!
06:28All right?
06:29Yeah.
06:30Is it you? Is it you, Trigger, that organised all this?
06:32Oh, turn it up, Dale. My Trigger couldn't organise a prayer in a mosque.
06:36I got lost on my way here.
06:39I've been coming to this pub since you were 16.
06:42I know, I found a pub, all right? I mean, I couldn't find this room.
06:46I've been standing in your dance hall for the last hour.
06:49All the lights are out, Trigger.
06:51I know.
06:55You've been standing in the dock for an hour?
06:57Yeah.
06:59I thought we was all going to jump out and surprise them.
07:04But there's no-one else in there.
07:06I didn't know that, did I? The lights were out.
07:10How you going, Dave?
07:12All right, Trigger.
07:13Well, I'll send your man up as soon as he arrives.
07:15In the meantime, all enjoy yourselves, lads.
07:21It's a bit of a mystery, all this, isn't it?
07:24It's like something out of one of them Agatha Christie films.
07:26Yeah. I used to fancy her.
07:29I mean, we think it's all right.
07:31Just think, somebody has arranged for you four to be in this room at the same time.
07:37You used to fancy Agatha Christie?
07:39Yeah. I had a picture of her on my bedroom wall.
07:43She was an old lady. All English country gardens and graniats.
07:46Yeah, she looked a bit like Mr Kipling's bit on the side.
07:49Well, I fancied her.
07:51I saw her in that film, Dr Zhivago.
07:54That's Julie Christie, you fool!
07:57Yeah, well, whatever. I liked her.
08:00As I was saying,
08:02on a cold, rainy night in Peckham,
08:05somebody has arranged for you four to be in this room at the same time.
08:10And nobody knows who.
08:13And the most important and frightening aspect of the entire mystery,
08:17nobody knows why.
08:20Now, think hard.
08:22Who would do something like that?
08:32Jeremy Beadle?
08:36Jeremy bloody Beadle?
08:38Don't be stupid.
08:40Here, Rodney, you're trying to frighten us.
08:42Now, pack it in, cos it won't work.
08:44Well, that's it, I'm off.
08:45Sit down, Denzel. You're not going anywhere.
08:47Look, listen, I wasn't even at your school for long.
08:49Me mum and dad didn't even come down to London till I was 13.
08:52I don't really feel I qualify as one of the old boys.
08:55Did you get an invitation?
08:57Yeah.
08:58Then you're staying.
08:59Well, it's just that I've got this thought going round me head.
09:01Well, lend it to Trigger.
09:05Say, just say, our old headmaster has escaped.
09:13Yeah, I'm going to get me coat. I'd better go and check on Aunt Clare.
09:16No, no, no.
09:17No, he's not going anywhere, Rodney.
09:22Come on, turn the lights on.
09:25Oh, now, shut up. Just shut up, will you?
09:30Oh, God, it's our old headmaster.
09:32It's been gone for Benson.
09:35If it is, he's grown another ear from somewhere.
09:39Surprise, surprise.
09:41Slater.
09:43I had you this time, didn't I? Be honest, I had you going.
09:47Tell me, the last person you guessed would be here tonight was Roy Slater, eh?
09:54Slater, what are you doing back here?
09:56Come on, Dale, I don't do a lot of travel here.
09:58You mean you organised this reunion?
10:00Yeah, I was in town, thought it'd be a nice way to catch up with a few mates.
10:04I hear Marlene's had a nipper.
10:06What about her?
10:07Well, nothing. Just congratulations.
10:10I know you and her have been dreaming of having a baby for years.
10:14It's, er, it's nice.
10:17And Rodney.
10:18What?
10:19You've got married.
10:21I know.
10:22Look, you don't have to be on the defensive with me, son. I'm pleased for you.
10:26Yeah, well, the marriage didn't really work.
10:27Rodney, don't you say a word. He'll only hold it against you.
10:30Look, Dale, I didn't come here to upset things. It's just a little get-together, that's all.
10:35Can't we at least be friendly?
10:37Friendly, eh? With a snide like you, I wish it had been our old headmaster now.
10:42I wish it had been Jeremy Beadle.
10:46I thought you were in Parkhurst.
10:48I got parole six months ago.
10:50You're back in the police force now, Roy.
10:53No, Trigg, no.
10:55They wouldn't have me back.
10:57Not after I was convicted of diamond smuggling and given a five-year prison sentence.
11:01Police are funny about things like that.
11:04I've been living in Colchester, working for an undertaker.
11:06Hence the coat.
11:08I look on your faces, I wish I'd brought my tape measure with me.
11:11You fancy a drink?
11:13Not for me, Roy.
11:14I've got a prior engagement with the downstairs toilet.
11:18Save yourself a journey, boys.
11:20Save yourself a journey, boys.
11:21See, the biggest cars is up here, look.
11:23I've got to go, I'm an old chief inspector.
11:25My uncle promised he'd tell me all about the war.
11:28Wait a minute, let's get a few things straight.
11:31I'm not a chief inspector any more, I'm just an ordinary bloke.
11:35I don't mean you any harm and I can't do you any harm.
11:39I know you'll laugh, but I've changed.
11:42You changed. Pull the other one.
11:44A man don't go to this expense without good reason.
11:47I know it might sound ridiculous,
11:49but if it were possible, I'd like to wipe the slate clean.
11:53Wipe the slate clean? After what you've done to us?
11:56In the past, you've fitted every one of us up on Mickey Mouse charges.
11:59I know, Del, I know.
12:01And that's why I kept the guest list to just you lot.
12:04Because you're the ones who deserve my biggest apologies.
12:08I wish I could turn the clock back.
12:10Yeah, so do I, till half six this evening.
12:13I've got to stay in and watch the telly.
12:16You fitted up me, Boise and Denzel on possession of stolen goods.
12:21Yeah, and we bought them off you.
12:24I know. And I'm sorry.
12:27Sorry.
12:29Yeah, well, with all due respect, ex-chief inspector, you can stuff your apologies.
12:33Yeah, and I remember the time you followed me in a van
12:36and you nicked me for doing 70 miles an hour in a built-up area.
12:39It was just my word against his, and guess who the magistrate believed?
12:42I mean, you couldn't get that van to do 70 miles an hour if you pushed it off a cliff.
12:48Rodney, I'm sorry.
12:50Yeah, well, shove it, Slater, right?
12:53Just shove it.
12:55And what about the time you planted 3,000 Green Shield stamps on Trigger
12:59and he got put away for 18 months in a young offender's home?
13:03I'm sorry, Trigg.
13:04Oh, that's all right, Roy.
13:07See, I always wanted to be mates with you lot, but you sort of spurned me.
13:12So I wanted to hurt you for not liking me.
13:15You know, if you can't join them, beat them.
13:18That was my attitude.
13:20So the police force became my god.
13:22But in the end, even my own colleagues got sick of me and my ambitions.
13:27I knew my days were numbered.
13:29I began to panic.
13:31I felt as if the whole thing was coming to a premature conclusion.
13:34No pun intended, Boise.
13:39I was worried about my future.
13:41Financial security.
13:43That sort of thing.
13:45I turned to crime.
13:48I got myself involved in that diamond-smuggling caper.
13:52And, as I, of all people, should know, I got collared.
13:56I spent three and a half years
13:59in a ten-foot-by-six-foot prison.
14:02In a ten-foot-by-six-foot prison cell,
14:05trying to work out where I'd gone wrong in life.
14:12Whilst in prison,
14:14I found Jesus.
14:17What'd they fitted him up with?
14:21To be more precise,
14:23Jesus found me.
14:25It was round about the time that I got a message
14:28to say that me old man had passed away.
14:33Yeah, I know, Royer.
14:35I went to his funeral.
14:37Thanks, Dale.
14:39I wish I could have gone.
14:41Why didn't you?
14:45He was probably giving up a black suit and a bloody big ladder.
14:47He was in nit-trick.
14:49Yeah, but I thought they let you out for acts of God,
14:51like funerals and weddings.
14:53I applied for temporary compassionate release.
14:55My mum wrote to the prison governor.
14:58And he wouldn't let you go?
15:00Not after what that old cow put in a letter.
15:03It's pathetic, isn't it?
15:05Even my own mum's against it.
15:07Well...
15:10Perhaps this reunion wasn't such a good idea after all.
15:14You all look a bit embarrassed.
15:17Go on, you shoot off.
15:19I'll hang around.
15:20I'm going to sort out the money with the governor.
15:25All right, Slate.
15:27I'll have a drink with you, come on.
15:29Oh, thanks, Dale.
15:31What about you other fellas?
15:33Would you break bread with me?
15:35I prefer a Southern comfort.
15:37Have you two gone mad?
15:39Oh, come on, look at him.
15:41He's only an undertaker's tea boy now, isn't he?
15:43Yeah, and he's still putting bodies away.
15:46You don't honestly believe he's changed, do you?
15:49Well, personally, I'm not sure.
15:51But I'm always willing to give that somebody a chance.
15:54Might get a large one, Roy.
15:57All right, I'll have a lager. Trigger?
15:59Yeah, all right, I'll have a beer.
16:01How can you drink with Slater
16:03when that's the man who stitched you up over those knocked-off stamps
16:06and put you away for 18 months?
16:08I know, but when I come out, I've got an electric blanket and a radio with me.
16:18Fancy a cognac?
16:20And quick.
16:23Yes, yes, it's very simple, Marlene.
16:27When you bring Raquel back here, you can pick me up.
16:31No, I am not drunk.
16:34Nobody is drunk.
16:36No, I'm not drunk, Robbie.
16:38You promised your loved one you wouldn't get drunk, though.
16:41Why do women always say, don't get drunk?
16:43Hey, it's their nature, isn't it?
16:45My Corrine was always going on about it until she left me.
16:48Yeah, and my Cassandra.
16:50My Ada was the same.
16:52And they wonder why their marriages break up.
16:55Take my advice.
16:56The only way to avoid a broken marriage is don't turn up for the wedding.
17:01All right, keep the noise down. The women might hear.
17:03We don't want them to know we're enjoying ourselves, do we?
17:08Yes, I have had a couple of drinks.
17:11Well, it's a bloody reunion, isn't it?
17:14Yes, all right, I'll see you in a minute.
17:18You having another drink, boys?
17:20No, Marlene will be here in a moment.
17:22I will get my coat.
17:24You know, it's funny.
17:25I've been through all these photos of the boys
17:27enjoying themselves at various stages of their lives
17:31and I'm not in one of them.
17:33Well, you were busy, weren't you, Roy?
17:35I mean, when that one was taken, you were at a police training college.
17:38Yeah, and when that one was taken, he was nicked.
17:43I suppose it was tough for you on the inside, eh?
17:45Especially when they found out you were an ex-copper.
17:47Oh, you don't know the half of it. It was a nightmare.
17:49Every mealtime, they'd line up against the wall as I passed.
17:52Snide, snide, they'd whisper.
17:54We're going to get you, snide.
17:56Hope your wife can sew, Slater.
17:58Didn't the warders do nothing?
17:59That was the warders.
18:02The convicts really had it in for me.
18:0424 hours a day, watching your back,
18:06especially in the shower room.
18:08I've heard there's a lot of bandidos in there.
18:10Oh, yeah.
18:11No wonder Oscar Wilde wrote a poem about it.
18:13You wouldn't believe what they'd sell for a king-sized fag in a book of matches.
18:17Unfortunately, they didn't give me any problems.
18:19I mean, these days, even the puffs don't fancy me.
18:24Oh, wait a minute. Hang on, Roy.
18:26Here's one. Here's a photograph. Look, are you in it?
18:28Go on, look at that.
18:30It's the old school football team, look.
18:32Oh, look at that, Roy.
18:34How old were we then?
18:36Fourteen?
18:37Hey, look, there's little Del Boy in his Roger Daltrey haircut.
18:42I was a midfield dynamo, me.
18:44I used to play like Paul Gascoigne.
18:46The one next to me is Boise. He used to play like Bamba Gascoigne.
18:50There's that Italian kid.
18:52Good player. What was his name?
18:54Oh, hello. That will be Marlene.
18:56I'd better be off.
18:58Give us a lift home, will you, Boise?
19:00Yeah, me too, Boise.
19:01Oh, yes, of course. I'm running a bleeding minicab service these days.
19:04Hello.
19:05See you, Denzel.
19:06Oh, ta-ra, Roy.
19:07Yeah, see you, Trent.
19:08Ta-ra.
19:09See you, Denzel.
19:10Oh, yes, Roy.
19:11See you around.
19:13Yeah, we'll have a drink in the weekend.
19:15Oh, yes, I'll be in the pub sometime or another.
19:17Oh, good. It's a date, then.
19:21Ah, I'll tell you what, Roy.
19:23I'll get a copy of this photo, if you like.
19:27Must have been the last time that you were with all your old mates, wasn't it?
19:31Oh, look at that.
19:33Those were the days, weren't they, eh?
19:36We had Denzel in goal.
19:38We had Monkey Harris left back.
19:40We had...
19:43We had camaraderie.
19:45Was that the Italian boy?
19:50Yes. Yes, Trigg, that was the Italian boy.
19:53Come along, Trigger, huh?
19:56Camaraderie, the Italian boy.
19:58Hey, you want another drink, then, Rodney?
20:00Yeah, go on, then.
20:02Roy, hey, you want another drink, Roy?
20:04Oh, look at that.
20:05The prodigal plonker's gone to Kiplock.
20:07How are we going to get him home, then?
20:09Where's he staying?
20:10Oh, I don't know. Some bed and breakfast joint he said somewhere.
20:12Anyway, don't bother about it. Leave him there.
20:14Let him kip on a settee, all right?
20:16Yeah, not a bad idea.
20:18I think I'll climb in.
20:20Yeah, all right.
20:21Well, goodnight, hun.
20:23Goodnight, son.
20:24You know, Rodney, somebody had told me a few months ago
20:26that I'd be sitting and having a drink and a laugh, right?
20:30With Roy Slater.
20:31I would have said they were off their bloody heads.
20:33Yeah, he ain't such a bad bloke, I suppose, is he?
20:36Oh, well, this is it.
20:38Take them out of their uniform and get rid of their badges,
20:41and they're just like the rest of us, aren't they?
20:43Just as scared.
20:44Here you go.
20:45Want some ice?
20:47Oh, all right.
20:48Yes, I would have some ice still.
20:49I'll take them out.
20:50I'll get it for you, Rodney.
20:51That's very nice of you to do, Rodney.
20:53Come on, we're out.
20:55Come on, we're in.
20:58I don't believe it.
21:01Rodney?
21:03SNORING
21:15Yep, it's all right.
21:16I'm not drunk, I'm not drunk.
21:17Where's he come from?
21:18Where's he come from?
21:19He who?
21:20Who's he her?
21:21You mean Roy?
21:22Yes, he'd come from the pub.
21:23I said he'd come back for a drink.
21:24You rotten sod.
21:25All the promises you've made me.
21:28Oh, come on.
21:30Raquel, you didn't believe me when I said I was just going to go out
21:32and have two halves of shandy and then go to midnight mass, did you?
21:35Look at all the others.
21:36Your promises mean nothing, bloody nothing.
21:38Hey, hey, hey, now calm down, calm down.
21:40Don't get excited.
21:41It's not good for the baby.
21:42Here, have a drink.
21:43I don't want a drink.
21:44I thought I could trust you, Derek.
21:46I believed your promises, all of them.
21:47Your husband can't get near you, Raquel.
21:49He'll have to get past me first.
21:51Yeah, well, that's right, isn't it?
21:52Really?
21:53Yeah.
21:54Well, what's he doing laying asleep on our sofa?
21:55What are you on about?
21:57Derek's husband is laying asleep on the sofa.
22:00No, no, that's Slater.
22:02I know his name, Del.
22:03I was married to him for four years.
22:11Slater?
22:14You were married to Slater?
22:16Yes.
22:20But...
22:21But that's Slater.
22:23I wish I hadn't burnt my wedding photos.
22:25Then maybe you'd believe me.
22:26No, no, no, not Slater.
22:28Slater was my married name.
22:33But Slater...
22:35You...
22:36Why the hell didn't you tell me what your name was?
22:38I told you my husband was a policeman.
22:40Yes, I know, but his name is Inspector Slater
22:42and your name's Raquel Turner.
22:43I mean, why didn't you tell me what your married name was?
22:45Because every time I talked about my marriage,
22:46you said, let's change the subject.
22:48Oh, Gordon, bloody Bennett.
22:49Have you said anything to him?
22:50No, no, of course I haven't.
22:52God, stop it.
22:53Are you sure you was married to him?
22:55Of course I bloody sure am.
22:57All right then, calm down.
22:59It's all right, come here.
23:00It's all right, it's all right.
23:01Now, just shut up.
23:02Listen, stay here.
23:03You stay here.
23:04I'll go and see what I can get rid of him, all right?
23:06Slater, God.
23:10Rodney, Rodney.
23:11Rodney, wake up, you dipstick.
23:12Wake up, wake up.
23:14Listen.
23:15What is it?
23:16Slater.
23:17Slater was married to Raquel.
23:20There you are.
23:24No, no, it's not a joke.
23:27Slater was Raquel's husband.
23:31No.
23:32Yes, I'm telling you, would I?
23:34I wouldn't lie about something as serious as this, would I?
23:38Well, does Slater know?
23:41Of course he does, he was at the bloody wedding, wasn't he?
23:43No, I mean, does he know about you and Raquel?
23:46Well, no, I don't know, I don't think so.
23:48Not as far as...
23:49I've got to get him out of here.
23:50I've got to get him out, come on.
23:51All right, right, hello, right.
23:52Come on, wake up, wake up.
23:53Here you are, Slater, come on.
23:54Oi, wake up.
23:55What time is it, Del?
23:56Well, it's time.
23:57Look, it's time you were gone, mate.
23:58Come on, that's it.
23:59Up you get, I'll get your coat.
24:00Don't worry about that.
24:01I'll just get a glass of water.
24:02Yeah, OK.
24:03No, no, no.
24:05Sit down, sit down here.
24:06Look, I'll get you some water.
24:07Look, we've got plenty of water.
24:09We've got this trendy water.
24:10There you go.
24:11Have a drop of that.
24:12Cheers, Del.
24:14Oh.
24:18Tell me something, Roy.
24:20You didn't come back here to Peckham
24:22just to organise the school reunion, did you?
24:24No, not just that.
24:25No, I got a letter from me wife's solicitors
24:27saying she wanted a divorce.
24:29So I've come back to sort out a few things with her.
24:31Gonna phone her brief,
24:32see if I can make a meet with her.
24:34So you don't actually know where she's living, then?
24:37No, but her solicitor's local,
24:39so she must be around here somewhere, isn't she?
24:42Well, yeah, yeah.
24:45While I was in the air here,
24:46I thought I'd look up me old mate.
24:49I'm so glad I did, Del.
24:51It's done me the world of good meeting you again.
24:54And finding that you're willing to forgive and forget.
24:59I know it might sound poetical, sentimental,
25:03but the cup of human kindness really does run it over.
25:12That's my wife.
25:15Hey, this picture here, it's my Rachel.
25:24No, no, that says the Raquel look, that says, doesn't it?
25:27Yeah, that's her stage name.
25:28She's done a bit of singing and acting.
25:30What's a picture of my wife doing in your flat?
25:34Well, er...
25:36What's a picture of his wife doing in our flat like this?
25:39I don't know.
25:40He doesn't know.
25:41Can't you keep the noise down?
25:42I'm trying to get some sleep in there.
25:44Is Raquel in yet?
25:47Raquel?
25:48You mean she lives here?
25:50Yes, I live here.
25:52Hello, Roy.
25:54Rachel?
25:56Who's Rachel?
25:59I'm sorry, I just don't understand what's happening.
26:02I come back here and...
26:05Oh.
26:07I see it now.
26:10You're cohabiting, ain't you?
26:12If that's the way you want to put it, yes.
26:15Well...
26:22Which one?
26:27You saucy git, what do you mean, which one?
26:30Dale?
26:31Yes, Dale.
26:33Who's Rachel?
26:34Who's Rachel?
26:38What's the full SP, Derek?
26:41Is this just another sort you've trawled in your net?
26:44Another notch on the bedstead?
26:46Or are you too close?
26:48Where'd you get that from?
26:51You're pregnant!
26:52Oh, that's what it is.
26:54We've been wondering about this, haven't we, Dale?
26:56Yes, look here, Slater.
26:57You and Raquel broke up over eight years ago.
26:59She's a free woman now.
27:00Not according to this letter from Rachel's solicitors, I'm not.
27:03According to this, I'm still her husband and she's still my wife.
27:07He's Raquel's husband?
27:09Yes.
27:10Now stay out of it, hunk.
27:11You know me, son.
27:12I'm saying nothing.
27:13Where do you think she's been for the past eight years?
27:15In a convent?
27:16Stunk for leaving.
27:18I figured she'd have a bloke in tow and I guessed it wouldn't be Cliff Richards.
27:21You always like to live a bit, didn't you, love?
27:23All right, that's enough of that, Slater, that's enough of that.
27:25Otherwise I'm going to take you out there on that balcony
27:27and see if the EEC have changed the laws on gravity.
27:30Where do you expect me to feel?
27:31This woman, who I love...
27:32Oh, shut up, Roy, you're making me feel sick.
27:34This woman, my lawful wedded wife, has been fertilised by a trotter.
27:41You had the whole world to choose from, Rachel.
27:43You could have had Pol Pot or a Siberian pimp with gingivitis and a wart on his nose.
27:48But, oh, no, not you.
27:49You decided to go down market, didn't you?
27:51Down market, that's it, that's it, pal.
27:52You're out of this bloody house.
27:53Go on, get out.
27:55Derek, just calm down.
27:56Well, he's beginning to get on my bloody nerves now, Rodney.
27:59Why did you come back, son?
28:01To see my friends.
28:02To see my family.
28:05And most important of all, to see my wife.
28:10I've got a nice little inheritance coming soon.
28:13It's a nice few grand.
28:15And I know this might sound ridiculous now.
28:19Well, it will sound ridiculous now.
28:22But I was thinking maybe you and me could try again, you know?
28:26A fresh start.
28:27A fresh start?
28:28All right, come on, come on, go on.
28:29Just naff off out of it, Slater.
28:30Go on.
28:31Oh, don't you worry, Del.
28:32I wouldn't take it back now, not in that condition.
28:34Right, come on, calm down.
28:35It's all right, Del.
28:36Now, stop it.
28:37Stop it, Slater.
28:38You're getting her excited.
28:39Yeah, and I always could, couldn't I, Del?
28:40Right, that's it.
28:42You'd better shut up, Roy, all right?
28:43I swear I'll set him on you.
28:45Calm down, Derek.
28:46Please.
28:47All right, all right, Rodney.
28:49All right.
28:50All right.
28:51Come on, you, come on.
28:52Come on, you go in the bed.
28:53Now, come on.
28:55Off you go.
28:57Go on.
28:59That's it.
29:04Who's Rachel?
29:05Oh, shut up!
29:13You awake, Rodney?
29:14Well, even if I weren't, I bloody would be now.
29:17You?
29:18What's that?
29:20You've given Slater my bed.
29:21Yes, I know.
29:22Well, I had no choice, did I, Rodney?
29:24His bed and breakfast place would probably have been locked up.
29:27I had to let him kip here, didn't I?
29:30What do you mean you had to?
29:32Oh, come on, Rodney.
29:33Show a bit of compassion.
29:34Can't you see the predicament that I'm in?
29:36No, I can't.
29:37All I can see is that snidey bark Slater lying in my bed
29:40and I'm stretched out on a chaise longue again.
29:43I'm going to sleep.
29:45No, no, no, Roy, Rodney, don't go to sleep.
29:48Don't go to sleep.
29:49I want to talk.
29:52What about?
29:53What do you mean, what about?
29:54About everything.
29:55About the situation, about Slater and Raquel and about...
29:59my little baby.
30:02Oh, that.
30:04I mean, if people find out that Slater was married to Raquel,
30:07that's going to be the end of me and Trotter's independent traders.
30:11Yes, no-one's ever going to trust me again.
30:14I don't want to trust you.
30:16Why?
30:17What do you mean, why?
30:18How do you think my business associates and clients would feel
30:20knowing that I was going queso with the ex-wife of an ex-copper?
30:23And not any copper.
30:25But Slater, the slag.
30:27The most loathed and hated person in the parish.
30:31I mean, if they found out that Raquel and Slater had lived together and...
30:36you know, and had...
30:38you know, had...
30:39Slept?
30:40Yeah.
30:41Oh, go back to sleep, Rodney.
30:44I can hear voices.
30:46It's probably us.
30:47Can't you sleep either?
30:48I've been laying in there for hours worrying about this situation.
30:51If people find out Raquel's married to Slater, you'd be finished.
30:57I know that, hunk.
30:59People would be saying things behind my back.
31:01Horrible things.
31:02Things like...
31:04Slater's reject.
31:06Things like that.
31:07Have you spoken with Raquel yet?
31:09No, of course I haven't.
31:10It's not the poor mare's fault, is it, eh?
31:12I've got to try and protect her from the gossip.
31:14I've got to try and protect myself as well, haven't I, eh?
31:18Cos, you know, I'm...
31:20Well, I'm a proud man, I am.
31:22I am. I'm proud.
31:24I don't want people to think that I mess with rejects.
31:30You see, Rodney, that...
31:31That's why I had to let Slater have your bed, you see.
31:35I've got to try to keep him sweet.
31:36I don't want him going all round the parish and the pubs and markets, you know,
31:39opening his mouth.
31:40He's got a hold over me.
31:41Yeah, but he doesn't know that.
31:43Rodney's got a point, Dale.
31:44What he's saying is, don't let Slater walk all over you.
31:47If you do, he might become suspicious and start wondering why.
31:52Yeah.
31:54Yeah, I don't know.
31:55Perhaps...
31:56Perhaps you're right.
31:57Sorry to interrupt.
31:58I'm dying of thirst.
32:00Couldn't you sleep, Dale?
32:03As a matter of fact,
32:04I can't sleep.
32:06I can't sleep.
32:07I can't sleep.
32:08I can't sleep.
32:09As a matter of fact,
32:10I got up early to give you an early breakfast, Slater.
32:13Oh, that's nice of you.
32:14Yeah.
32:15Then I was going to take you by the scruff of the neck
32:16and I was going to kick you out the bloody flat.
32:18Is that right?
32:20I couldn't sleep either, worrying about you.
32:23What the local reaction would be if they were ever to find out the truth.
32:26I don't think anyone would ever trust you again
32:28if they knew you were living with the wife of an ex-copper.
32:31Not just any ex-copper,
32:34but Slater,
32:35who is universally hated and despised.
32:38I think that would be the end of you.
32:41No, I wouldn't like that to happen.
32:43Especially not to a good mate like you.
32:46Because,
32:47despite the fact that you have taken my wife,
32:51the one woman who I ever really loved,
32:54and tubbed her,
32:57I don't hold it against you.
32:59So I made a promise to myself,
33:00I'm going to make the same promise to you.
33:02I'm going to keep my mouth shut.
33:05Well,
33:06you know it makes sense, Roy.
33:07Thanks very much.
33:08I just hope and pray
33:10I don't have too many beers down the nag's head
33:12and go and let it slip.
33:15Beer always goes to my head.
33:16Now, champagne?
33:17Champagne's different.
33:18I know exactly what I'm saying with champagne.
33:21But until my inheritance comes through,
33:23I can't afford those sort of luxuries.
33:27It's a poser, isn't it, Del?
33:31Yes.
33:32Yes.
33:33It's a bit of a poser, Roy.
33:36Yeah.
33:41Here you are.
33:43Look, here you are.
33:45That's some money there.
33:46Go and have a couple of bottles on me, will you?
33:48Yeah, sure, Del.
33:49Yeah.
33:50Well, that's very kind of you.
33:52I really am quite moved.
33:54Thanks.
33:57See you all in the morning.
33:58I don't know how long I'll be staying,
34:00but that's not a problem, is it?
34:01No, no.
34:02It's no problem, Roy.
34:03Cheers, Del.
34:07What are you going to do now, son?
34:09He's got your mother, but...
34:10Well, like that.
34:14Yeah, I don't know.
34:16I don't know what I'm going to do.
34:19It feels as if I'm in a state of shock.
34:21A state of shock?
34:22It must be like being hit by a John Burns free kick.
34:26They're short and curly and all, innit?
34:30I don't know.
34:31I don't know how much this is going to cost me
34:33before it's all over.
34:34I've already given him 40 quid,
34:36and this is the first evening.
34:37You might have given him 40 quid, Del,
34:39but it's his Slater's wallet.
34:41What?
34:42Yeah.
34:44Funny, I thought it was Rodney's.
34:47Well, that's cheered me up a bit, anyway.
34:51Oi, look.
34:52It's some sort of contract
34:54from Slater's solicitor to Raquel.
34:57I, Rachel Slater, named Turner,
35:00I, Rachel Slater, named Turner,
35:03hereby waive all my legal rights and entitlements
35:06to my husband's present and future estates.
35:10It's one of them things them film stars get their future wives to sign.
35:13A pre-nuptial agreement,
35:15or in this case, a post-nuptial agreement.
35:18That is what he came back here for.
35:22He wanted Raquel to waive all her rights to his money.
35:25What money's he talking about?
35:26I thought he was skint.
35:27Yeah, but he's got some sort of inheritance coming up,
35:29I suppose it's what his dad left him.
35:31No, his dad wouldn't have left him anything.
35:33He hated him more than the rest of us.
35:37Listen to this.
35:39Here, listen.
35:40Dear Mr Slater,
35:42I would take this opportunity to bring to your notice
35:45the record-breaking hire
35:47which exists on today's international diamond market.
35:51I would strongly advise your consideration
35:54to selling the ten items you deposited with my firm some years ago.
35:59I await your instructions. Yours faithfully.
36:01Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
36:02And this is from a Bond Street diamond merchant.
36:05This is Slater's inheritance.
36:08These ten little sparklers are what he pugged away
36:11when the old smuggling racket went up the pictures.
36:13You've got him, Bill.
36:14That is concrete evidence.
36:16I know, Rodney, I know, I know.
36:17Give me that wallet.
36:18Now then, we're gonna hide this.
36:20We mustn't rush things, Rodney.
36:23Till we can work out how best to handle this, all right?
36:26You've found it, Del.
36:27We were never here for that.
36:29That breakfast in bed you mentioned.
36:30About 9.30, all right?
36:31A couple of boiled eggs would be nice.
36:33Gusty, Roy.
36:36Burp.
36:42Rachel.
36:43Sorry.
36:44Raquel.
36:45Let me get you a drink.
36:46No, thanks. I'll just call in to see if Del's...
36:47No, I insist.
36:48Mike.
36:49Another bottle, if you'd be so kind.
36:51This on Del's account and all, is it?
36:53Yeah, that's all right with you, innit?
36:54Yeah, fine.
36:55Del said anything you want, it's down to him.
36:57They broke the mould when they made that man.
36:59She seems a nice girl.
37:01Yeah, Raquel, yeah, she's lovely.
37:03She's been married before, you know.
37:04Oh, yeah?
37:05Yeah.
37:06Right git, I heard.
37:09Really?
37:10Still, her luck changed when she met Del.
37:12He's had his faults, but his heart's in the right place.
37:15Hey, don't you tell him I told you that, will you?
37:21What are you playing at, Roy?
37:22Why's Del paying for your champagne, bringing you breakfast in bed?
37:25Oh, he's just giving a helping hand to an old school friend
37:28who's fallen on hard times.
37:30When are you going, Roy?
37:31I haven't decided.
37:32I'm just waiting for my inheritance to come through
37:34and I'm thinking of buying a house in this area.
37:36We'll be seeing quite a lot of each other in the future.
37:38Do you ever think back to our times together?
37:41Some things remind me.
37:42Things like repeats of Tenko.
37:46Del Boy, Rodney, let me get you a drink.
37:48Yes, sir.
37:49Make it a large bottle, will you, Roy?
37:51You all right, sweetheart?
37:52Yeah, I called in to see if you were here.
37:54Yeah, well, listen, why don't you go and sit in the van
37:56because I'm going to try and sort this thing out with Slater.
37:58It might not be very nice.
37:59You're not going to hit him over the head with a chair, are you?
38:01No, of course not.
38:02Oh, well, I'll go and sit in the van, then.
38:06You all right? Can you manage all that?
38:07Yeah, go on, off you go.
38:10All right, Roy, enjoying my champagne, are you?
38:11Lovely, Del.
38:12Yeah, good.
38:13Helps me keep a clear head.
38:15And as you know best of all, that's very important.
38:19I was going to take Raquel shopping this morning,
38:21but she's still asleep.
38:23She always was difficult to wake up.
38:24Oh!
38:26Funny how easily these things can slip out, isn't it, Del?
38:30I was thinking of hiring a car for a couple of weeks.
38:32Is that all right with you?
38:33Yeah.
38:34Let's go and sit down over there, Roy, shall we,
38:35and just discuss it, shall we?
38:36Of course, lead on.
38:40You all right, Nick?
38:42Before we go any further, Roy,
38:43there's something I want to ask you.
38:45You knew all along that Raquel was living with me, didn't you?
38:49Well, I suppose there's no harm in it.
38:51Yeah, I knew.
38:52Went down to town hall,
38:53looked up her name on the poll tax register.
38:56Didn't see your name down there, Del.
39:00Anyway, I had to get into your flat
39:01to make sure it's the same woman.
39:04And that's when I came up with the old school reunion idea.
39:07Del, go and fetch that bottle of champagne.
39:08There's a good chap.
39:11You've got a habit of leaving things lying around,
39:12don't you, Slater?
39:13Yeah, like the other night
39:14when you left your wallet lying around.
39:16I couldn't help but have a little peek inside.
39:18Yeah, I saw that contract you wanted Raquel to sign.
39:22Only protecting my interest, Del.
39:24If it's good enough for Rod Stewart,
39:25it's good enough for me.
39:27We also read that welcome home letter
39:28from your friendly diamond merchant.
39:31So what?
39:32Well, what would happen if we took that letter to the old Bill?
39:35Sweet F.A., Derry.
39:36You've overlooked something.
39:37You may have read my personal paperwork,
39:39but that ain't proof.
39:41I've still got Exhibit A tucked up safe and sound
39:43in my pocket.
39:44Now get out of that one, Perry.
39:46Yeah, well,
39:48this morning, before I woke you with your breakfast,
39:51I took your wallet out of your pocket
39:52and had another look at the paperwork.
39:54So what?
39:56Can I have Exhibit A, please, Rodney?
39:59Now,
40:00you see this?
40:02That is what's called a fax machine.
40:03It's exactly the same as the one we got in the flat.
40:06Oh, it's the state-of-the-art technology, that is.
40:08You know what?
40:09You can send a message anywhere in the world
40:10with one of those.
40:12You know what else you can do with it?
40:13What does that say on there?
40:14Look.
40:16Photocopier.
40:17Photocopier.
40:19Right, Roy, my boy.
40:20It photocopies things,
40:22like pictures,
40:23like advertising bump,
40:25like letters from diamond merchants
40:27asking what you want done with ten little sparklers,
40:29things like that.
40:31So you got a copy?
40:32Well, not just one,
40:33several.
40:34I mean, say we mislaid something as important as that,
40:38it'd be a crime, wouldn't it?
40:40You said it, bruv.
40:42You seem to forget, Perry,
40:44I know a lot more about the law than you do.
40:46I've already stood trial for those diamonds.
40:49You've served me sentence.
40:50You can't be tried for the same crime twice.
40:52Yeah, I know.
40:53Well, Rodney thought of that,
40:54so we went down to local newspaper offices
40:56and we read the reports on the trial, right?
40:58You know, they had every little detail there.
40:59They even had a photo of you in the football team.
41:01Do you remember?
41:02At school.
41:03Spot the git competition, it was.
41:06Now, according to the report,
41:07you were tried for illegally importing 78 diamonds into the country.
41:12They didn't say nothing about 10 missing diamonds.
41:15Police don't know nothing about them.
41:17Yet.
41:19I wonder how your mates down at the yard would feel
41:21if they got a copy of that letter.
41:24Probably mean a new trial.
41:26And be honest, Roy.
41:28Be honest.
41:31You wouldn't stand a chance, would you?
41:34Not with your record.
41:36And it'd be an even longer sentence this time.
41:39What, seven years?
41:40No, I reckon ten.
41:41Ten?
41:42Still, that wouldn't worry you, would it, Roy?
41:43Because you like reunions, don't you, eh?
41:47I wonder how all your mates in the nick will feel when they see you back.
41:50They'll probably throw a party for you.
41:52On the roof.
41:56Correct me if I'm wrong,
41:58but I suspect that you're angling for a deal.
42:00Quite right.
42:02All right.
42:04I've sold the stones.
42:05I'll split the money with you.
42:06I'll give you 10%.
42:07No.
42:08No.
42:10Right, 80-20 in my favour.
42:12No.
42:13No, sir.
42:14Come on, 70-30.
42:16No, we don't want the money.
42:17No, we don't want the money.
42:22All I want from you is a promise that you will give Raquel a divorce.
42:25Then you will leave her alone forever.
42:27You'll get out of this area and never come back.
42:29You'll also keep your big mouth shut,
42:31because if one person, just one,
42:33hears that you were married to Raquel,
42:35then there'll be a letter with a first-class stamp on it
42:38winging its way to the Commissioner of Police.
42:41And that's the deal?
42:42That's the deal.
42:44Well, those terms seem acceptable to me, Derek.
42:47Very acceptable.
42:50I'll give you my word I'll keep my mouth shut.
42:52And I'll keep away from pillboxes.
42:55I think that concludes our business.
42:58Michael,
43:00have a bottle of champagne, please, and two glasses.
43:04I've got a train to catch.
43:07Adele,
43:09will you do me a favour?
43:11When the baby's born, if it's a boy,
43:13would you name it after me?
43:15I wouldn't have thought so.
43:18Hardly fair to christen a kid, Dick, is it?
43:24Have a nice life, Del Boy.
43:27I will, Slater, don't worry, I will.
43:33Yes!
43:34Well done, Rudney, we've done it.
43:36We've done it, what a team, what a team!
43:37What a bloody team!
43:39Why didn't we take his money?
43:41Because it's illegal.
43:43Yeah, but...
43:45Yeah, I suppose you're right.
43:46But, you see, when he sells the diamonds
43:49and he gives Raquel her divorce,
43:51she will be entitled legally to 50% of everything.
43:56Oh, Derek, I will drink to that.
44:00You two celebrating something, are we?
44:01Yes, you could say that, Michael.
44:02Haven't we just pulled off the deal of the year?
44:05Oh, yeah, that reminds me, Del,
44:06that fax machine you sold me,
44:08the photocopier on it don't work.
44:11Oh, don't it? That's funny.
44:12Don't work on ours, either.