Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S03 Е06 - Wanted
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00:01What do you reckon?
00:03They're all right, aren't they?
00:05Don't half look alike.
00:07They're identical twins.
00:08Yeah?
00:09Which one do you fancy?
00:11I'm easy.
00:14Are you sure that's not one bird sitting next to a mirror?
00:18Nah, they're sisters or something.
00:20They've been here before.
00:22Go on then.
00:24What?
00:25Say something.
00:27What?
00:28What?
00:30I don't know, anything.
00:33Like what?
00:35Just say the first thing that comes into your head.
00:37It's easy.
00:41All right, if it's so easy, you say something.
00:44What?
00:46Anything, it's easy.
00:48All right, then I will.
00:51Go on then.
00:52I will.
00:56Oi!
00:58Yeah?
01:01Was that it?
01:04Oi?
01:07You're a right little John Travolta when you get going, aren't you?
01:10No, look, didn't I?
01:11Of course I looked, someone just shouted, Oi, at him.
01:14Hold up.
01:15You're looking over here.
01:17Hello.
01:18Think we've cracked it, Mickey, my son?
01:23What's your orders?
01:24All right, Michael, my son?
01:26Who are you two after?
01:28Not the gruesome twosome, mate.
01:30What do you mean, all right?
01:32They're so ugly, they even look alike.
01:34No, they happen to be two sisters.
01:37Oh, sisters, yeah.
01:39Oi, girls, seen much of Cinderella since the wedding?
01:44Cinderella, ugly sisters, isn't it good?
01:48Anyway, look, I won't hang about because I don't want to spoil your chances.
01:52Hello, darling, you all right?
01:53Are you still working at Sainsbury's?
01:54Yeah, I'm still working at Sainsbury's, see you.
01:55Just a minute.
01:59I'll see you Tuesday, then.
02:00See you Tuesday.
02:14Why me?
02:16I love you.
02:19I didn't want to do it.
02:21You OK, love?
02:23Who is it?
02:24Shall I phone you a cab?
02:26No, there'll be a bus along in a minute, my lovely.
02:29No, no, they ain't got no buses going along here.
02:32No, they cut the route in about 1973.
02:35Get you a nice taxi, eh?
02:37No, no, I should be all right.
02:40Oi, careful.
02:42What are you doing?
02:43Just steadying you, that's all.
02:45You touched me.
02:47Eh?
02:48I've read about your sort.
02:49Oi, hold on, I was just trying to stop you from falling flat on your face.
02:53I'll have the police on you, you touched me.
02:55No, I didn't, honest.
02:57Help!
02:58What are you doing?
02:59Don't shout.
03:00You touched me.
03:02No, no, it's all right, cos, um, I'm a doctor.
03:08You're not a doctor.
03:10I am.
03:11I am, really.
03:13All right, say ah.
03:14Ah!
03:16Help!
03:18Bloody hell.
03:20Look, I tell you what, I'm just going back to the van, right, to get a thermometer.
03:25All right?
03:27Help!
03:28Right!
03:29Right!
03:30Help!
03:31Help!
03:36Dale boy, your breakfast's ready.
03:39Yeah, hang on a minute.
03:40Come on, lovely.
03:43It's on the table.
03:44Nothing like a traditional British breakfast, is there?
03:47That's right.
03:49God!
03:52Why don't you try cooking one every now and then?
03:55Blimey, looks like a bad day at the Blue Cross.
03:59Was you two all right last night?
04:02Yeah, of course, why?
04:03Well, when Rodney come in, he was behaving very strangely.
04:08He was all trembling and sweating.
04:11Nah, he's probably all right, don't worry.
04:12It's just the start of mating season.
04:15No, Dale, something's up.
04:18Aren't you eating that?
04:19No, Grandad, see, I'm on diet.
04:23Whoops.
04:24Rodney, your breakfast's ready.
04:32Ah, all right, Rudders?
04:34What do you mean, all right?
04:36Nothing, nothing, just all right, Rudders?
04:38Yeah, fine, why shouldn't I be all right?
04:40No reason, I just said, like, all right, Rudders.
04:43Like I say, you know, all right every morning, don't I?
04:46Yeah, sorry.
04:48That's all right.
04:50What did you do when you left the pub last night?
04:52What makes you think I did something?
04:53Gordon!
04:54Bennett!
04:55No, I mean, I just asked you, like, if you went on anywhere, if you met anyone or anything.
04:59No, no, I didn't, I came straight home.
05:01Didn't meet anyone, didn't talk to anyone.
05:04Very uneventful journey.
05:05That's all right, as long as you enjoyed yourself.
05:07Oh, come on, get that down, come on, we've got to get away early.
05:09Got to pick up the van from an exit.
05:11Why?
05:12Eh? Well, when we fell out of the pub last night,
05:15the whole area was teeming with the old Bill.
05:17I mean, they were all there.
05:18There was the Flying Squad, like, Alsatian,
05:21and, you know, SGB.
05:23Anyway, I thought to myself, I thought,
05:24well, there's no way I'm driving home through that lot, not with me, like, being soppy as a sack.
05:27So, er, you know, I got a cab.
05:30Did they have a clear description of him?
05:32Who?
05:33The man they were after?
05:34He said it was after a man.
05:35All right.
05:36Just assumed they were looking for someone, that's all.
05:38See what I mean?
05:41Yeah.
05:43All right, Rodney.
05:44You know, it's, you know, something bothering you, isn't there?
05:47No.
05:48Has somebody threatened you?
05:50If they have, you tell me their name,
05:51and I'll go and sort them out before we go to the market.
05:54It's nothing like that.
05:56You might as well tell us sooner as later, Rodney.
05:59It'll save a lot of time.
06:02Oh, it's probably nothing.
06:05It's just...
06:06My journey home last night wasn't as uneventful as I made out.
06:10There was this woman.
06:14Well, she wasn't feeling very well, see?
06:16I don't know what was wrong with her, but she stunk of booze.
06:19So, I stopped, right, to ask if she wanted any assistance,
06:23and she started acting all sort of... odd.
06:27Odd?
06:28Yeah.
06:29Erm...
06:30Screaming.
06:31Screaming.
06:33Shouting things.
06:35What kind of things?
06:37Oh, things like, erm...
06:39Rape.
06:41You know, that sort of thing.
06:45So, er, to try and reassure her and calm her down,
06:48I... I told her I was a doctor.
06:51You told her you were a...
06:52You didn't give her a prescription or nothing, did you?
06:55No, no, nothing like that.
06:57Why was she accusing you of these things?
07:00Well, erm...
07:01I think cos at one point, right, she stumbled forward,
07:04so I put me hands out to stop, you know...
07:07I didn't touch her.
07:09Well, no, obviously I did touch her, but I didn't...
07:13You know, honest.
07:15All right, all right, Rodney.
07:17OK, take it nice and easy, all right?
07:20This is going to take a bit of working out.
07:24What did this woman look like?
07:26Er, well, she was, er, blonde, er, 45.
07:29Oh, and her hair had black roots and, er, purple fingernails,
07:33and she was really heavily made up.
07:37Did she call you my lovely?
07:39Yeah. Do you know her?
07:41No, no, no, no, you didn't catch her...
07:44You didn't catch her name or nothing, did you?
07:46No.
07:47Oh, she was wearing an identity necklace,
07:49and it said something like...
07:51Blossom.
07:53Blossom.
07:59You know, honestly, I did not touch her, I swear to God.
08:04You expect me to believe that?
08:08Yes!
08:09All right, let's go through the facts, shall we?
08:12After a night's drinking, on your way home, you meet a sick woman.
08:17And instead of phoning for an ambulance like any right-minded citizen,
08:21you touch her.
08:23What do you think, you've got healing hands?
08:26I don't believe you're saying this to me.
08:28No, no, no, this is not me, Rodney.
08:30This is what the counsel for the prosecution will say during his cross-examination.
08:34You don't think it'll go to court?
08:36Oh, it's a pound to a penny, Rodney.
08:38I mean, please don't let matters like this drop lightly.
08:41Well, Old Bailey would be my bet.
08:45The case of the peckin' pouncer.
08:48Who called me the peckin' pouncer?
08:50The police did last night.
08:52You see, at the time, well, I didn't think nothing of it.
08:55Why don't you give yourself up, Rodney?
08:58What? I ain't giving myself up.
09:00You ever seen some of them detectives give someone a third degree on the telly?
09:04Well, one of them pretends he really wants to beat you up bad, right,
09:07and the other one pretends to be Mr Nice.
09:09So it's, you know...
09:10Yeah, perhaps you're right. After all, you've got form, ain't you?
09:13I mean, you still ain't finished that two years suspended.
09:16Two years suspended, yeah.
09:19Oh, I'd forgotten about that.
09:23It's the others what worry me.
09:25What others?
09:26Well, last night, there were mobs of vigilantes roaming the streets,
09:30and they were chatting things like,
09:32lynch him, lynch him.
09:37At the time, I didn't think nothing much of it.
09:40Well, maybe it'd be better if I did give myself up then.
09:43Cos all I've got is circumstantial evidence.
09:45Surconstantial?
09:46A sick woman is attacked at night by a known criminal posing as a doctor?
09:54Do you know what they'd call me if I went in the nick?
09:57I'd be a beast.
10:00Beast?
10:02Well, that's what the other prisoners call people like me.
10:05Everywhere I went, the waltz would be whispering,
10:08Beast.
10:10Beast.
10:11There'd be posses of them waiting for me in the shower room.
10:14There'd be razors in me soap.
10:16There'd be broken glass in me porridge.
10:19Oh, you'll soon learn to adapt, Rob.
10:24What's now? It's not fair, Bill.
10:26I swear to God, I didn't touch her. I was only trying to help.
10:29All right, Wendy, all right. Now, come on.
10:30Take it easy, eh? Relax, all right?
10:33Now, listen, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
10:34I'm gonna go out and put me ear to the ground, see what I can find out.
10:36In the meantime, I want you to go and get some kit.
10:38And above all, stop worrying.
10:43Yeah.
10:45I am innocent, Bill. Honest.
10:48I believe you.
10:51So do I, Rob.
11:04Do you reckon he done it, Bill?
11:08No.
11:22Leave it. OK, then.
11:23All he's done is just bumped into Blossom, that's all.
11:26I don't understand you.
11:27Well, she's well known for this sort of thing.
11:30She's as nutty as a fruitcake.
11:32She spends most of her time in the happy home.
11:35I only let her out at weekends to get a bit of practice.
11:39You think she's always accusing blokes of doing this sort of thing?
11:42Yes. It's her hobby.
11:45She's well known to the police.
11:47But why didn't you tell young Rodney?
11:49What, and spoil all the fun?
11:52No way. I'm gonna wind him right up with this one.
11:55By this time tomorrow evening,
11:56I'll have him believing that all the flats are under siege.
12:00You want to be a bit careful, girl boy.
12:02A joke's a joke, but you never know when to stop.
12:04What about that April Fool's Day?
12:06You told me the pools were drunk to say I'd won half a million.
12:11Yeah, it was a belter, wasn't it?
12:14Oh, wonderful.
12:15Well, you could at least have stopped me going up west with me pension money.
12:21Oh, it wasn't funny, Del.
12:23I mean, there was I in a so-oh nightclub,
12:25drinking champagne with a bird called Camilla,
12:28and I suddenly realised I didn't even do the bloody pool.
12:33Stop it!
12:44You should have seen his little face.
12:46There was a picture. I wish that had a camera.
12:48How could he swallow that, eh?
12:50Well, you know Rodney, don't you?
12:51He said he was thinking of forming an appeal committee.
12:53I said, you don't worry about that.
12:54He wanted to form an escape committee, I said.
12:57I thought everyone round here knew what old Blossom was like.
13:01She accused my cousin once.
13:03Who's that, young Sidney?
13:04No, Marilyn.
13:06There again, Marilyn's always been a bit of a tomboy.
13:09Oh, yeah, it was a crew cut, braces and a pipe last time I saw her.
13:13Still up at Greenham Common?
13:14Yeah.
13:15Are you playing trick or what?
13:16No.
13:18Course, this Blossom person is completely loopy, you know.
13:21Oh, yes.
13:22I don't think they should be allowed out.
13:24Oh, yeah, why's that?
13:25Well, it might be a danger to the public.
13:27Still selling them second-hand cars, Boise?
13:30Oh, yeah.
13:31I knocked out a couple today.
13:37Course, I have heard.
13:39She receives electroid treatment, you know.
13:42Oh, yes.
13:43Every three months or so they take her away and plug her head into the National Grid.
13:47The lights have been known to dim as far away as Watford.
13:51Yeah, but they reckon she's as sane as anyone.
13:53As sane as anyone when they've finished.
13:55Yeah, till she gets her electric bill.
14:00Oh, excuse me, chaps, won't be a moment.
14:03Oh, Karen, can we have three large scotches?
14:05Boise's paying.
14:06Cheers, Boise.
14:07All right?
14:09Oh, hello, Grandad.
14:11Do up.
14:12What about Rodney?
14:14He's gone on the run.
14:18Why?
14:20Oh, leave it off, Grandad.
14:21It was just a joke.
14:24Yeah, all right, all right.
14:25Now, don't panic.
14:27He'll be home when he's hungry and he wants something to eat.
14:33Oh, has he?
14:35All right.
14:37All right, Grandad, don't worry.
14:38I'll tell you what I'll do.
14:39I'll go and have a look round for him and I'll be home in about an hour.
14:42Yeah, all right.
14:43Bye.
14:46What's up, Dil?
14:48It's that dipstick, Rodney.
14:51He's only gone on the run, hasn't he?
14:53I reckon he's found a secret hiding place.
14:55Where?
14:57Well, I don't know.
14:58I don't know where he was.
14:59It wouldn't be secret, would it, eh?
15:02Oh, mate, there must be a clue.
15:04Yeah, well, he left a note saying it's no good trying to find him because he'll be in the last place.
15:07Then he won't think of looking for him.
15:08Have you tried under his bed?
15:11He'll be home as soon as he gets hungry.
15:13No, he won't.
15:14Grandad reckons he's taken all the tin food from the cupboard.
15:17So what are you going to do then, Dil?
15:19I don't know, Trick.
15:20I just don't know.
15:21I ain't got nothing in the freezer, then.
15:24LAUGHTER
15:36Any luck, Dil?
15:37No.
15:39No sign of him, Grandad.
15:41Where did you look?
15:43I've been everywhere.
15:45I've been traipsing around Charing Cross, Olester Square.
15:49Oh, you want to see what it's like up there in the early hours, Grandad.
15:52It's like the end of the world.
15:54It's full of drug addicts, glue sniffers, winos.
15:58Do you know what?
15:59If a nightingale sang down Barclay Square, someone would eat it.
16:04Bad night, eh, Dil?
16:06Yeah, very bad.
16:08Do you know, I've been offered everything from 50 quid for me passport to a plate of magic mushrooms.
16:13You cooking something?
16:15No.
16:16What's that horrible smell, then?
16:17Sweet and sickly.
16:19Oh, perhaps it's this aftershave I've got on.
16:22Gordon Bennett!
16:24Where did you get that from?
16:25Out of your room.
16:28Well, that can't be it, then, can it?
16:30Oh, I know the smell you're talking about.
16:32It were here last night.
16:34Everyone in the flats was moaning about it.
16:38Yeah, why don't you get some sleep, Dil boy?
16:41No, I'll be all right, Grandad.
16:42I'll have a cup of tea and have another punt round for him.
16:45Where can he be?
16:47Well, I had a note from him here somewhere.
16:49He said he's in the last place you'll ever think of looking.
16:52Oh, and I remember.
16:54You have looked under his bed, haven't you?
16:56First place I checked.
16:59Well, he's hardly likely to be in that bloody drawer, is he?
17:02I told him with a note.
17:03Now, don't you get funny with me, Dil.
17:05This is your fault, you and your silly jokes.
17:07I know. I was going to tell him this morning.
17:09Well, you could have told him yesterday.
17:11Instead of that, you sat there playing your Johnny Cash live at San Quentin LP.
17:15Oh, don't go on with me. Don't go on.
17:17I feel bad enough as it is.
17:19But what is that smell?
17:21I smelt it before somewhere.
17:23Oh, no. So did I.
17:24When?
17:25I told you last night.
17:27No, no, no. Before that.
17:30It seems to be coming from the ventilating system.
17:37Grandad, go and get them chicken legs out of the fridge.
17:40I think I know where Rodney is.
17:41Chicken legs out of the fridge.
17:43I think I know where Rodney's hiding.
17:56Rodney.
17:59Rodney, still boy.
18:03Rodney, I know you're in here.
18:06Rodney, don't be a plonker all your life.
18:11Listen, I can explain everything, there's nothing to be frightened of.
18:17I've got some scotch here, something to eat.
18:25Yeah.
18:32Or if you prefer, I could get you a saucer of milk.
18:37Come on, at least we can talk about it, can't we?
18:41Oi! That is you, isn't it, Rodney?
18:45Nice, that cat again.
19:02You had me going there for a minute, don't you know what I mean?
19:06How did you know I was here?
19:09I know a lot of things, Rodney.
19:12Like I know you've been smoking your funny fags again.
19:15No, I ain't, to be honest, I ain't.
19:20Well, a couple.
19:22That's it, well that was the giveaway, you see.
19:25The smell from your exotic tobacco has been wafting down the air ducts.
19:30There's not a man, woman or child that isn't high as a kite.
19:33You're kidding.
19:35No, I'm not.
19:37If you stand outside this tower block, all you can hear is giggling.
19:42Grandad's calling everybody man.
19:47He's thinking of growing his hair in dreadlocks.
19:51Is Grandad okay?
19:53Yeah, he's alright.
19:55He's worried about you, though.
19:58What are you doing up here?
20:00Nothing much.
20:01Nothing much?
20:03Not a lot to do in a tank room, Del.
20:06I mean, you can look at a view, but that gets a bit boring after eight hours or so.
20:10I wasn't asking about your activities, I was speaking...
20:14...meteorically.
20:22What are you playing at?
20:24Playing at?
20:26Well, Del, this is a little game called not going to prison.
20:29But rules are ever so easy, you know.
20:31All you've got to do is find yourself a place to hide and stay there till you die.
20:36I reckon it'll catch on, Rodney.
20:39I could be right, Del.
20:41But I tell you something, if necessary I will shoot my way out of this room.
20:45Oh, so while you've been up here you've been making a gun, have you?
20:50Well, I throw tins at them, then.
20:52Yeah, well, you could get an empty can, couldn't you?
20:55And you could, like, splash them to death.
20:56Splash them to death?
21:00I ain't had nothing to eat since I've been up here.
21:04What's that, you've been too frightened?
21:06No, I forgot the tin opener.
21:11Well, why didn't you pop down for it?
21:14Del, desperate men on the run don't pop home to borrow a tin opener.
21:19Anyway, going without food ain't so bad.
21:22People like us get used to it.
21:23Oh, come on, don't give me all that James Cagney stuff.
21:27Look at me, ma, I'm on the top of the world, ma.
21:30Look, I'm in the tank room, ma.
21:32Why don't you shut up?
21:35You hungry?
21:37Yeah.
21:39Here you are.
21:41Get that down in there.
21:43Cheers, Del.
21:45Great.
21:49Oi, have the police been round to question your grandad yet?
21:51Uh, no.
21:53Good, good.
21:55That means I ain't on my trail yet.
21:57Gives me a bit of time.
21:59Yeah.
22:01Rodney, I've got to explain something.
22:03Like, well, this is sort of like confession time.
22:06You know that woman you met, Blossom?
22:08Yeah.
22:11Well, she's mad, Rodney.
22:15Not with you?
22:17She's mad.
22:19You know, she's wild.
22:21She's well known to the old bill.
22:23They don't take no notice of her.
22:26No, you're lying to me.
22:28No, no, I'm not.
22:30Look, cross me heart, swear to die.
22:32Do you remember old man Corby?
22:34Well, a couple of weeks ago, she accused him of assaulting her.
22:36Well, I mean, he was so surprised, he nearly fell off his wheelchair.
22:40All right, then.
22:42All right, then, you explain this to me.
22:44What were all them police doing outside the pub that night?
22:46Oh, well, that was the...
22:48That was the mods and the skinheads.
22:49The kebab house.
22:51Terrible scene, that's all I could hear.
22:53I mean, there was, you know, chairs going through the windows.
22:55There was chilli sauce up the walls.
22:57There was someone who knocked over a frying pan
22:59and the staff restroom went up in flames.
23:02No, I don't believe you, Dale.
23:04You're just trying to get me to come quietly.
23:06No, I'm not.
23:08Look, go on, then, go on.
23:10Look out there, look, go on.
23:12Now, you see the kebab house?
23:14No.
23:16Exactly, it ain't there no more.
23:17What further proof do you need?
23:19No, Dale, I don't understand this.
23:21You mean, there's been no photofit pictures?
23:24No house-to-house searches?
23:26No public outcry?
23:28No, none at all.
23:30Here, look.
23:32Do you want some water with your scotch?
23:34No.
23:39Then why did you tell me I'd go away for ten years
23:42as a special category prisoner?
23:44That they'd nickname me the Peck and Pouncer?
23:47That there were gangs of men roaming the streets
23:50looking to hang me from the nearest lamppost?
23:53For a laugh.
23:58A laugh?
24:01Just a bit of a wind-up, that's all.
24:05Dale, I haven't slept,
24:07I'm starving hungry
24:09and I've been freezing my boots off in this taperoom
24:12because of your bloody wind-up!
24:14You take things too seriously, that's what's got you like that.
24:18I'm going to kill you.
24:20No, no, don't be silly.
24:22No, really, I mean it, I'm going to kill you right now.
24:24Now, just a minute, now, just a minute.
24:26Alright, now,
24:28I realise that I took the joke too far
24:30and I should have told you earlier.
24:32I'm...
24:34I'm sorry, Rodney.
24:36I really am.
24:39I'm still going to kill you.
24:40I'm going to kill you.
24:42Look, I've been all over London looking for you.
24:45I've been in more doss houses than a tramp's vest.
24:49I swear you were gone so late that night, eh?
24:52I saw you drive off.
24:54You saw me? Why didn't you say something?
24:56Dale, I'm a desperate man on the run.
24:58I can hardly lean out and go,
25:00Dale!
25:05I suppose you can't.
25:08Listen, Rodney, I feel
25:10I feel really sorry for all the aggro that I've caused you.
25:14I'd like to try and make it up to you.
25:16I'll tell you what, I'll take you out
25:18and I'll buy you a big slap up meal, eh?
25:21Yeah?
25:23Yeah, with a wine and all the works.
25:27Look at these clothes.
25:30What?
25:32Come on, I'll buy you a new suit.
25:34Yeah? Yeah.
25:36Yeah, but then I'd look silly, you know,
25:38a brand new suit and these dirty old plimsolls.
25:41Don't you bloody come here, Rodney!
25:46Come on, come here.
25:49Come on, I'll buy you a new pair of rhythm and blues as well.
25:52Hey, how's that?
25:55Yeah, all right.
25:57That's a good boy.
25:59Good boy.
26:01You know it makes sense, don't you?
26:03All in the past, eh?
26:05Yeah, come on, all in the past.
26:07Cheers.
26:11Look at the state of me.
26:14Don't worry.
26:16You'll have a nice hot shower when you get down the flat.
26:18Oh, I don't fancy standing under that water, Dil.
26:20Not after what I've been doing, innit?