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Short filmTranscript
00:00I love this one. Marble Arch at Dawn, by Rodney Trotter, age 14 and a half.
00:13What's this bit? Did you paint something out?
00:16Yeah, the Eiffel Tower.
00:18The Eiffel Tower behind Marble Arch? Is that meant to signify something?
00:22Yeah, it signifies that originally it was the Arc de Triomphe.
00:26But no-one could spell the Arc de Triomphe, so I thought, I know.
00:29I'll stick a double-decker bus going past and say it's Marble Arch.
00:32And it worked. In fact, my art teacher said in my school report he thought it was a masterpiece.
00:37So, how does it feel to be in the company of a genius?
00:41If I ever find out, I'll drop you a line.
00:44Are you going to pour that or paint it?
00:46Rodney, I know I'm going to make myself look very stupid, but does this fake bean label mean anything?
00:56Yes, it does. It means Del's been putting all his competition stuff in my portfolio again.
01:03What competition?
01:04Oh, it's his latest line, innit? He's going in for any competition he can get his hands on.
01:09We've had spot the ball, spot the mistake, spot the dog, everything.
01:14Oh, look at this lot. Spaghetti Oupe labels, crisp packets, Malteser wrappers.
01:20I didn't think Del was the type to go in for competitions.
01:22Oh, yeah. At the moment, he's on the verge of winning a brand-new Fortiera,
01:27a free manicure for a year and a night out with Maria Whittaker.
01:31Where is Del?
01:32Ah, both he and Albert have got dates this evening.
01:35Del's seen some bird called Pachula. He chatted her up at a boot sale.
01:39Who's Albert going out with?
01:41Some old dear called Elsie Partridge. He met her at bingo. She's a widow, I think.
01:45She's got 11 children.
01:4711 kids?
01:48Yeah. Then her husband got fed up and died, so...
01:57You like smoked salmon?
01:58Love it.
02:01Good, because they're smoked salmon sandwiches.
02:11Do you want vinegar?
02:21Did you put a plug on the microwave, I think?
02:27Do you want something, then?
02:30Is our microwave 650 watts or 550 watts?
02:34I thought you had a date with Elsie Partridge.
02:36Oh, yeah. She'll be here in a minute.
02:38Well done. I thought you was taking her out.
02:40I thought you were taking a girl wash day, Matt. How are you, love? All right?
02:43Yes, very happy.
02:44I'm not spoiling my evening for you, Rodney.
02:46It's all arranged. I've got a beef risotto for the microwave and a nice bottle of wine in the fridge.
02:58Sorry about this.
02:59It's OK. It's the way it goes.
03:02Oi, I know. I could drop Albert a few quid.
03:05Then maybe after dinner he'll take Elsie Partridge down to bingo, eh?
03:09Then we could be alone.
03:22Oh, look at the state he's left this place in.
03:25Wait till I get my hands on that little plonker.
03:30What are you two doing?
03:31It looks like you're sitting there waiting for your case to come up.
03:34We've been sitting here discussing arts, that's all.
03:37Isn't it funny that every time he discusses art with someone, their buttons come undone?
03:45Right, Rodney. Here's the keys to the van. You can take Cassandra out now.
03:49We're not going out.
03:51We could go out for a while.
03:52No, that's all right, Cassandra. We're staying put.
03:55Rodney, can I have a board meeting?
04:01Look, Petulia is coming round.
04:04Well, Cassandra is already here. We're having a cultural evening.
04:07Yes, I know, but Petulia is bringing all her gear.
04:13Derek, I don't care if she is bringing her gear. We are staying put.
04:18But look, I'm giving her a yuppie salad, am I?
04:20I went out first thing this morning and I bought her smoked salmon and everything.
04:23I don't care what you've bought.
04:28Good boy. You know it makes sense.
04:31Where's my bottle of wine?
04:33God blimey, Captain Birdseye is here. I thought you were supposed to be going out with the old woman who lived in the shoe.
04:40I am. She'll be at the dinner in a minute.
04:42Dinner? She's not coming round to eat the dinner, is she?
04:44Oh, well, that's handsome, that is, isn't it?
04:46We might as well stay here, Rodney. We'll have a party.
04:48True.
04:53Sorry, I didn't realise.
04:55I've been showing you his etchings, has he?
04:57Yeah, I think he's good.
04:59Yeah, he's alright, I suppose.
05:01See, I like a bit more realism in my art.
05:03That's always let you down, Rodney, you see.
05:05What are you talking about? That's realistic, isn't it?
05:09Yeah, and it's full.
05:10Look, I said I'm sorry.
05:12Yeah, but I mean, look at all the other stuff here.
05:16I mean, take a look at this one, for example.
05:18Marble Arch at Dawn. What a cock-up that turned out to be.
05:21Rodney's art teacher liked it. He said he thought it was a masterpiece.
05:24No, he didn't. He said he thought it was a mantelpiece.
05:27Yeah.
05:32It's alright for you to laugh. He nicked my bottle of wine.
05:35Oh, stop moaning about your bottle of wine, you old git.
05:37Anyway, Rodney didn't mean laughing, see.
05:40Look, he's in love.
05:42You know, we've got to learn...
05:44We've got to learn to be a bit more understanding of it, you see.
05:47Yeah, I suppose you're right.
05:49It was only a cheap bottle of wine, anyway.
05:51Well, I see. Exactly, isn't it, eh?
05:54Mount it.
05:55Yeah, that dipstick's only had my smoked salmon away and all, hasn't he?
05:59Get my hands on him.
06:00Don't have a go at him in front of Cassandra. You'd just embarrass a boy.
06:04Alright. Perhaps you're right. I'll wait till she's gone.
06:06Then I'll kick him up the jack seat.
06:08What do you want with me this morning?
06:09Ah, just a couple of bills.
06:10Nothing from them dopey competitions of yours.
06:13You won't call them dopey when I win, will you, eh?
06:16How can you win?
06:17You don't post your entry to a couple of days before the closing date.
06:20No, because that ensures that my entry will get to the top of the pile.
06:23You know, you've got to think about these things, haven't you?
06:27There's a competition on the back of them cornflakes.
06:30Oh, yeah? You can't win a raffle, you know, if you don't buy a ticket.
06:33Now, listen. I'm expecting Monk Harris to come round in the morning.
06:36He's expecting a load of them Italian shirts from Malay at the end of next month.
06:40Tell him I'm not interested.
06:41Bitch, you are.
06:42I know that.
06:43But don't let him know that, otherwise he'd expect a fair price, wouldn't he, eh?
06:47I'll get it.
06:48I'll get it.
06:52What's that? Another competition?
06:54Yeah, don't worry, I'll win this one.
06:55What have you got to do?
06:56I don't know yet.
06:58Oi.
06:59It's Albert's old bird.
07:01Yeah.
07:02Uncle, your date is here.
07:04Hello.
07:05It's an old dragon.
07:06Is he?
07:07Here you go.
07:12You saucy git, that's Petulia.
07:18Cheers.
07:39Right, there you go, love.
07:40Thanks.
07:41Cheers.
07:47Oh, I'm sorry, Kes, I've lost my appetite a bit.
07:50Why, what's wrong?
07:51Nothing, I'm just sitting here thinking about us.
07:54And it's put you off your food.
07:56Thanks, Tiffany.
07:57No, no, I didn't mean it like that.
08:01Kes.
08:03We're pretty close, wouldn't you say?
08:05Sorry.
08:08I didn't mean it like that.
08:09I mean, you know, we get on really well.
08:12We have our moments.
08:13Yeah.
08:14Well, it's been moments, it's worrying me.
08:18See, I've got a bit of a dilemma.
08:20I think maybe I ought to discuss it.
08:23Fire away.
08:24Well, look, we're both responsible, mature adults, right?
08:29Yeah.
08:33Oh, well, that's it, forget it.
08:36Isn't it fair, eh?
08:38A young fella like Rodney stops off to have dinner with a bird
08:41and leaves a carrot to an old chap like me.
08:44They've got no respect these days.
08:46Got no respect these days.
08:48You fought in the war, didn't you?
08:50I fought in the war, didn't I?
08:52I fought so that kids like Rodney could have freedom.
08:54Well, what do they do with their freedom?
08:56Anything they bloody like.
08:58Anything they bloody like.
09:00Oh, unpack that box and put some of them shirts in the suitcase, will you?
09:03Some of them shirts in the suitcase, will you?
09:04Oh, is that for me?
09:05No, it's addressed to Rodney.
09:06Oh, well, same thing.
09:08Let's see what he's been getting through the post.
09:12Oh, then.
09:13Dear Rodney Trotter, thank you for your contributions, blah, blah, blah.
09:15We are pleased to tell you that you...
09:17Well, stone me.
09:19What's wrong?
09:20Well, you remember that competition I sent off for?
09:22You sent off hundreds of them?
09:23No, the Mega Corn Flakes competition.
09:25Yeah, what about it?
09:26Well, what they want you to do,
09:27you had to draw or paint a world-famous landmark, right?
09:29Well, world-famous landmarks are not my specialty.
09:32I'm more a portrait man myself.
09:34So, just for a laugh,
09:35I sent off the old marble arch at dawn in Rodney's name,
09:38and guess what?
09:39He's only won...
09:41You're pulling my leg.
09:43No, no, look.
09:44Straight up.
09:45Have a butchers at that, look.
09:46They're giving away ten top prizes
09:48of a week's holiday in the Mediterranean,
09:49and Rodney's got for one.
09:51I always said that was a good painting, didn't I?
09:53I mean, it's the realism.
09:54Always been Rodney's strength, that.
09:56Oh, well, please for the boy.
09:58He's never won anything in his life.
10:00Only a couple of them ugly bird contests when he was younger.
10:03But that...
10:04What are they sending him there?
10:05Look, that's it, Malorca.
10:06A luxury suite in a five-star hotel,
10:09a la carte menu,
10:11and a week's spending money for the winners and their guests.
10:14Their guests?
10:15Their guests, of course.
10:17It's always a holiday for two, isn't it, eh?
10:19Yes, I could do with a break.
10:20Oh, yes.
10:21That sunshine set me up a treat.
10:23That's strange.
10:24What is?
10:26Have you read page two?
10:28Well, no, not yet.
10:29Well, I think you'd better.
10:32Oh, no.
10:34I don't believe these wallies.
10:37You know me, son.
10:38I never interfere.
10:40But I think it's only right to tell the boy.
10:42Yes, what we have here, uncle, is a case of a je ne sais quoi au quoi.
10:47What's that mean?
10:49Well, roughly translated, it means
10:51he who sticks his nose into a beehive
10:53will get more than a nostril full of honey.
10:55Do I make myself clear?
10:57I'm saying nothing, son.
10:59Cush, D.
11:01Well, I suppose I'd better be getting off.
11:03What are you and Del up to today, then?
11:05He's picking up a gross of Italian shirts off Monkey Harris
11:08and I'm down the market selling kiddies dolls.
11:11I won't always be doing this.
11:13Doing what?
11:14Well, selling crap down markets.
11:17I'll get my diploma in computer science soon,
11:19then things will change.
11:20You don't have to prove anything to me, you know, Rodney.
11:23Well, you've got a good job in a bank,
11:25your dad's a successful businessman
11:27and me, well, I'm an apprentice fly pitcher.
11:30I mean, let's be fair, Cass,
11:32a girl like you, she could marry some really rich, good-looking bloke.
11:36If I was to meet a handsome, wealthy young man
11:38and he asked me to marry him, do you know what I'd say?
11:41What?
11:42I'd say, Ciao, Rodney,
11:43and you wouldn't see me for the tinted windows on his Porsche.
11:46But until that time, I'm happy to drag along with you.
11:55So you're not just saying that?
11:57No, honestly.
11:58Oh, and here's me fretting, eh?
12:03I've been going out with you longer
12:05than I went out with any of my other boyfriends.
12:07And do you know why?
12:08Because they all packed you in?
12:10Right.
12:13And because I love you.
12:16Oh.
12:18Well, I love you too, Cass.
12:20What a load of old cobblers.
12:23Makes you want to throw up.
12:27Why do you always come to this pub?
12:29It's the atmosphere, I suppose.
12:32Rodders!
12:33Yeah, I'm on my way now, Dale.
12:35Michael, a bottle of your best champagne, please.
12:38Rodney, Rodney, have I got news for you, bruv.
12:43You, Rodney Trotter, have only won a competition.
12:48All right, what is it, a wind-up?
12:49No, no, this is God's honest word.
12:51There it is in black and white.
12:52What can't speak can't lie.
12:53Look at that.
12:57I don't believe this is happening to me.
13:00Bloody hell!
13:03Sorry.
13:04It's OK.
13:05Where's the other page?
13:06Huh?
13:07Well, it says, please turn to page two.
13:09Oh, yes, that's right.
13:10No, I left that in the flat.
13:11It's not a mistake.
13:12No, no, it's all pucker and above board.
13:13I just phoned them up.
13:14They're expecting to see you in Mallorca.
13:16They want to take publicity photographs and everything.
13:18You're going to be on the back of millions of cornflake packets.
13:21Am I?
13:22Yeah, you and the nine other winners, yeah.
13:24Yeah.
13:25A Mediterranean holiday, eh?
13:27I've never won anything before in my life, have I?
13:29No, apart from them ugly bird competition.
13:31No, he's never won anything.
13:33You clever old thing.
13:35I didn't even know you'd been in for a competition.
13:37Well, no, it was...
13:42Hell, I never went in for this competition.
13:44No, no, I did it for you.
13:46That was a painting competition, you see,
13:48so I sent off the old marble arch at dawn,
13:50and it's come up trumps, look at it.
13:52And what did the other page say?
13:53Oh, it's nothing.
13:54It's all about sightseeing and excursions and all that sort of thing.
13:56Here, listen, I'll get the champers, all right?
13:58Yeah.
13:59Hey, come on, Michael, where is he?
14:00God, a holiday in Mallorca, eh?
14:02Mm.
14:04Will you miss me?
14:05Very soon.
14:07But I expect I'll find something to replace the excitement of your presence.
14:11You know, knitting, something like that.
14:13Now, listen, can you get a week off work?
14:15I'm owed some holidays.
14:16Right, what about your parents?
14:17I thought it was only a holiday for two.
14:19You know what I mean.
14:21How are they going to feel about you coming on holiday with me?
14:23Rodney, my parents like you.
14:25They trust you.
14:27Do they?
14:30I'm not sure I like that.
14:32Here we go.
14:33Ah, there we go.
14:34I tell you what, Rodders, we'll be having champagne for breakfast every morning
14:36when we get to Mallorca.
14:38It'll all be for larking.
14:40There you go, darling.
14:41I tell you what, I just can't wait to get there.
14:44Um, well, the thing is...
14:46Yeah, come on, drink up, drink up.
14:47Here, come on, cheers, celebrate.
14:49Cheers.
14:50It's just that, you know, this holiday is for two, and I was thinking...
14:53No, no, no.
14:54It's not for two, brother, it's for free.
14:56For nothing, no.
14:58For free, for free.
14:59For free?
15:00Yeah.
15:01Are you sure?
15:02Course I'm sure.
15:03I read it, it was in that second page that I threw...
15:05I left in the flat.
15:07Free's a funny number, isn't it?
15:09Oh, yeah, free's very funny.
15:10It always has me in stitches, it's free, free.
15:12What I mean is, these things are usually done in twos, aren't they?
15:16I mean, you see it on the telly, don't you?
15:18Bob Paul House and Price is Right and all that game.
15:20A holiday for two.
15:22So why's this one for free?
15:23Well, I don't know.
15:24You get on a blower to the Corn Flakes people and I'll see them.
15:26Maybe it's because it's Mega Flakes.
15:28You know, they do everything bigger.
15:29There you are, see?
15:30She's cracked it.
15:31I'll tell you what this means, Rodney.
15:33What?
15:34It means that Cassandra can come with us, eh?
15:37Yeah, I thought of that.
15:39Thank you, love to.
15:40Yeah.
15:41Look, is that, eh?
15:42Just, what, three weeks to the off.
15:43Just enough time for us to get some new clothes.
15:45You get your bikini line sorted out.
15:49And then we're off, eh?
15:51Lovely jubbly.
15:52Yeah, great.
15:55Three people?
15:57It's free, Rodney, just free, free.
15:58Just don't keep going on about it, all right?
16:01Excuse me.
16:02Oh, right, look.
16:03See you later, OK?
16:04Take care.
16:07I'm just going to the ladies.
16:12Sorry, I thought you was going.
16:19You wally!
16:22Shut up!
16:25Look, I'm glad she's gone.
16:27I wanted to have a little chat with you, you know.
16:29I've got a bit of a problem.
16:30Worse.
16:31It's more of a worry.
16:33Oh, is it about the holiday?
16:34Well, yeah, sort of.
16:36The holiday's heightened my concern, you know.
16:38Made the problem a little more urgent sort of thing.
16:40Oh.
16:41What is it then, Rutherford?
16:42Well, it's...
16:54What, four escorts?
16:56What, four escorts?
17:09Oh, I see, bruv.
17:12You don't have to worry.
17:13They're not really that size in real life.
17:19I know that.
17:21Good, but I know they're not that...
17:24Bloody hell!
17:27What I mean is, me and Cassie are getting closer all the time, you know.
17:31Well, I mean, we haven't done nothing yet.
17:33Oh?
17:34I thought you was on the firm with it.
17:36No, no, no, it's nothing like that.
17:38But, well, you know, let's face it.
17:40With the best of intentions, these things can get beyond our control.
17:43Yeah.
17:44It's way beyond mine, bruv.
17:48So I feel that in this day and age,
17:50with what's happening in the world,
17:52it is every responsible adult's duty to, well...
17:56Go equipped?
17:58Well, yeah, if you like.
17:59Yeah, well, no.
18:00That's very wise and mature of you, Rodders.
18:02It really is.
18:03So what's the problem?
18:04Well...
18:06I keep going to buy them.
18:09Yeah, go on.
18:11There's a sort of stigma attached to them.
18:14No, that's just a piece of silver foil you tuck out the way.
18:24I don't know why I ever involved you in this.
18:27I mean, in this day of AIDS and all the warnings in the telly
18:31and then the press and all that,
18:33people are still embarrassed to go and buy them.
18:35You know what I mean?
18:36Me, I seem to think it's only seedy little blokes doing it.
18:39Me, I seem to think it's only seedy little blokes doing it.
18:43Will you get them for me?
18:49Get on your bike. You get them yourself.
18:52Oh, come on.
18:53Because I keep going to get them, right?
18:55And every time I go into the shop,
18:56it's either a lady serving me or me bottle goes.
18:59I mean, look at this.
19:01This morning, I bought four combs, a tub of it
19:03and a film for a Kodak Instamatic.
19:06Yeah, but they sell them everywhere these days, don't you?
19:08You can get them in the butchers, a bike shop.
19:11In Patel's multi-mart, they got them by the phone card counter.
19:15Hey, a thieving man had a machine in here
19:17that you could get them in once.
19:18You know, except they got jammed with a drachma.
19:21Does Cassandra know about this?
19:23Have you discussed it with her?
19:24Well, of course I have.
19:25Do you think I...
19:26Oh, God, she's coming for me.
19:30All right?
19:31Want some more champagne?
19:32No, I've got to get back to work in a minute.
19:34I'll stick with the fruit juice.
19:35Oh, all right. I'll get you some. I'll get you one.
19:39Cass, what I was saying earlier about our blossoming relationship...
19:44What about it?
19:45Well, when one is in a situation like ours, one...
19:51Or in our case, two.
19:53Or in our case, two, should be careful.
19:57Careful of what?
19:59That we don't become free.
20:02Oh, I see what you mean.
20:04I do hope you don't think I'm being presuming or anything.
20:07I just thought, well, we are going on holiday together
20:11and, you know, in that atmosphere of sunshine and freedom
20:14and, well, sharing the same hotel suite,
20:17our relationship could, well, who knows,
20:20ascend to a more physical plane.
20:24Yes, I suppose so.
20:27Yeah?
20:28Yeah?
20:31Well, who knows what might happen.
20:35You haven't been discussing this with Del, have you?
20:37No, of course I haven't. No, what do you think I am?
20:41Good.
20:42Oi, rudders, you're in luck.
20:44Mike's had a new machine fitted in the gen.
20:48I'll get you some change, Rudney.
20:59I'll get you some change, Rudney.
21:12Right, well, where are they then?
21:14Well, the courier said meet at the desk.
21:16Oh, there it is.
21:18Right, for the sangria, Jose, we have arrived.
21:21Excuse me, hang on, hang on.
21:23Listen, just before you go and check in,
21:27this prize ain't quite as straightforward as it seems.
21:31Well, he did win, didn't he?
21:33Oh, yes, yes, yes, oh, yeah.
21:34Well, it's all pucker and above board and all that.
21:36I mean, you know, he got all the tickets and everything, yeah.
21:39So what's the problem?
21:40That's strange, you know.
21:42What?
21:43Well, I noticed it on the plane, but it didn't sort of register.
21:47They're all mums and dads.
21:48They've all brought their kids with them.
21:50What's strange about that?
21:52Well, except for me, right, all the winners are parents.
21:56No, it's not the parents that are the winners, Rodney.
21:59It's the kids.
22:01What do you mean?
22:03Well, Rodney's painting won first prize
22:06in an under-15-year-old category.
22:12Say again.
22:14So they think Rodney's 15.
22:17Is that right?
22:18No.
22:19They think you're 14.
22:2214?
22:23They think I'm 14?
22:27Why didn't you tell me this back in England?
22:29Well, I thought it might cast a little cloud over the holidays.
22:33Look, Rodney, I sent your painting off in good faith.
22:36I mean, I didn't know there were lots of categories,
22:38but it was you, not me.
22:39You were the one that wrote on it,
22:40Rodney Trotter, age 14 and a half.
22:42So the organisers must have put you in the kids category.
22:45So it was your fault that you wrote on it.
22:48How was I to know that in 12 years' time
22:50you were going to enter it for a Corn Flakes competition?
22:53How was I supposed to know that you'd win?
22:55Really?
22:56Anyway, it doesn't matter.
22:57Now, come on, come on.
22:58You're going to waltz through it.
22:59Waltz through it?
23:00How the hell am I going to pass for full time?
23:04Will you stop doing that for a second?
23:07That's your age.
23:10This is your fault.
23:11I'm going to break your bloody neck.
23:14Just look. Just look over there.
23:15Look.
23:16Some of those lads, look, they're over six foot tall.
23:1915- and 16-year-olds.
23:21Much older these days than they used to.
23:23And you got the added advantage of your boyish good looks.
23:26That's why there was free tickets, isn't it?
23:28One each for Mummy and Daddy and one for the school.
23:31You can't expect 13- and 14-year-olds
23:33to go broader than their own, can you?
23:36And what exactly is your role in all this?
23:38Well, um, when the Corn Flakes people phoned up,
23:42they said that you had to be accompanied by your parents.
23:45So I said, and I...
23:47I don't know why I did it.
23:49I must have been flustered at the time.
23:51I said that I was your dad.
23:54My dad?
23:56Did you hear that, Cassandra?
23:57Yeah.
24:00And who the hell am I supposed to be, his mum?
24:02Rob, please tell me this is a bad dream.
24:05You must pretend, Cassandra.
24:06You're only pretending, aren't you?
24:07I mean, you haven't got to check behind his ears
24:09or pick him up from school or nothing like that, have you?
24:11I think we should go and tell them the truth.
24:13Just a minute, Dobie. Just a minute.
24:15We're here now, aren't we?
24:16If we all keep still, we can have a lovely free holiday.
24:19But if they find out we're lying, they'll chuck us out of the hotel.
24:22And if they find out we're telling the truth,
24:24they'll chuck us out of the hotel.
24:26Now, return flight's not for another week,
24:27so what are we going to do?
24:28They'll probably stick us in one of those Spanish halfway homes.
24:31At some point, they're going to realise I'm not Fultain.
24:35But we'll be back in the hotel by then, won't we?
24:37There'll be nobody there to ask questions.
24:40Come on, we're on holiday, eh?
24:42Well, whatever else it turns out to be, it's an experience.
24:45Good girl. Good girl, that's right.
24:47You know it makes sense, don't you?
24:49That's it. Now, come on. Come on, then.
24:51Come on. Let's get over there and check in. Come on.
24:53Don't forget, you. You act a bit mumsy, all right?
24:56What do you mean, mumsy?
24:57I don't know. You know, just a bit mumsy.
25:03We're leaving in about five minutes, OK?
25:04It's only a half-hour journey to the hotel,
25:06so we should be there in plenty of time for lunch, all right?
25:08It's the Trotter family.
25:10Oh, Mr Trotter, good. We've been waiting for you.
25:12Alan Perkins. Pleased to meet you both.
25:14Right, here are your rosettes.
25:15How about Mrs Trotter, Mr Trotter.
25:19And this one's for young Rodney.
25:25He's a big lad, isn't he?
25:26Yes, his late mother was a very tall woman.
25:29For free. Really?
25:30Oh, yeah.
25:31That's Rodney.
25:32Ah, well, here's your badge, Rodney.
25:34You are now a life member of the Groovy Gang.
25:40The what?
25:41The Groovy Gang.
25:42It's just an idea we came up with to help the kids feel really part of it.
25:45Every time one of the organisers says,
25:47are you having fun?
25:48Well, you can shout, Groovy!
25:53Well, don't worry, don't worry.
25:54You'll soon get the hang of it.
25:56Groovy.
25:57Yeah, it's fine.
25:58Well, we'll be off in a moment.
26:00Yeah.
26:02I don't believe this is happening to me.
26:05It's all right, Rodney, it's all right.
26:07We'll be on the coach in a minute,
26:08we'll be at the hotel in half an hour,
26:09and then you're free to do what you want.
26:11Nice and easy, bro.
26:12Nice and easy, eh?
26:13OK.
26:14All the members of the Groovy Gang over here.
26:18All the members of the Groovy Gang.
26:20We're all going to the hotel on the fun bus.
26:23Not with all the old fogies.
26:25Oh, fogies, of course.
26:28You're enjoying this, aren't you?
26:30No, no, no, I'm just playing along.
26:31I'm just playing along with this.
26:32Mums and dads, if you'd like to follow me,
26:34the coach is just outside.
26:35We've laid on a little welcoming reception back at the hotel.
26:38I'm sure that none of you would object
26:39to a glass or three of sangria.
26:41That's lovely, Alan.
26:44Come on in, Rodney, go on, off you go.
26:47There you go, you're going with the Groovy Gang.
26:49We're not going with the sopping Groovy Gang.
26:51Come on, Rodney, don't let us down now.
26:53Come on.
26:54They're looking over here.
26:55Yeah.
26:56I'm still waiting for a Rodney trotter.
27:00It's over here, sweetheart.
27:01Come on, Rodney, don't be...
27:05Hurry up, Rodney.
27:06I'm not going.
27:07I'm not going.
27:08Er, is he not a good mixer?
27:10What, good mixer?
27:11Him? He's like a Cambridge chef when he gets going.
27:14Come on, Rodney, don't be shy.
27:16You'll soon make friends.
27:18We're all going for a jumbo hamburger
27:20and double french fries.
27:22Oh, good, that's his favourite.
27:24Don't get any ketchup down your shirt.
27:27That's two for Santa.
27:30But we'll see you back at the hotel then, Rodders, all right?
27:33Right, now, come on, then.
27:34Come on, darling.
27:35Don't push your luck, Derek.
27:37Thank you, Adam.
27:48Do you like frost?
27:51No.
27:52Then all together, are you having fun?
27:54Good!
27:56That's better, let's go.
27:58Here we go, here we go, here we go
28:01Here we go, here we go, here we go
28:05Here we go, here we go, here we go
28:25All right?
28:28It's really nice here.
28:29I've just been down to reception.
28:30I bought us some Spanish state lottery tickets.
28:33I filled them in for you and everything.
28:35I bought some for you, look.
28:36There's some for Rodney.
28:37There, look.
28:38And there's some for me.
28:39All right, I'll put yours down here.
28:40There you go.
28:41You never know, you never know our luck
28:42because we're on a winning roll, aren't we?
28:44Tell that to poor Rodney.
28:46Oh, look, don't keep going on about it.
28:47You're going to spoil the holiday, you are.
28:49Listen, have a look around.
28:50What's here?
28:51Ah, that's very nice.
28:53That must be Rodney's room.
28:55It's got a picture of Prince on the wall.
28:58If that's Rodney's room, where am I supposed to sleep?
29:00Well, I thought that you and Rodney...
29:03No, maybe not.
29:06I'll sleep in there.
29:07You and Rodney can have the honeymoon bed.
29:09All right, all right.
29:10Anything you say, sweetheart.
29:11Anything you say.
29:12I just thought it might be a bit strange
29:13when the old maid come in, you know,
29:14see me and old Rodney tucked up on the king's side.
29:18It would look even stranger
29:19if she found Rodney sleeping with his stepmother.
29:22I never thought of that.
29:24I'd better go and cancel breakfast in bed.
29:26Listen, do you want me to take that picture of Prince
29:28down off the wall there?
29:29Just leave it, Derek.
29:30You've done enough for Rodney and I as it is.
29:32Look, I thought the Cornflakes people
29:35would leave us alone to enjoy our holiday.
29:37I didn't know they were going to conscript Rodney
29:39into the Groovy Gang.
29:40I mean, why do they want to do that?
29:42Mr Perkins explained it to us.
29:43It's so the youngsters won't get bored
29:45and the parents can have a rest.
29:47I won't see him all week, will I?
29:48Yes, of course you will.
29:50He's bound to get a spot of leave.
29:53Oh, look, there he is.
29:54There they all go now.
29:56Hey, Rodney, don't go mad.
30:00They just went down over that hill there.
30:02That was quick, wasn't it?
30:03Yeah, yeah.
30:04They were on skateboards.
30:06Rodney was the leader.
30:07He was right out in front.
30:09Leader of the pack.
30:10Oh, my God.
30:13Hello?
30:14May I come in?
30:15Yes, come in.
30:16Hello, Mrs Trotter.
30:17It's you.
30:19Good afternoon, Carmen.
30:20Is Rodney here?
30:21No, he's not here at the moment.
30:23Oh, he's still out enjoying himself.
30:26Yes.
30:27Well, it's just to let him know
30:28about the junior disco on Wednesday night.
30:30But I'll come back later and see him then.
30:32Bye for now.
30:33I'll see you. Bye-bye.
30:34Bye.
30:35Did you hear that?
30:36Yeah, it's all right.
30:37Rodney likes a little dance.
30:38It's a junior disco.
30:40Well, all right.
30:41We'll say he's ill.
30:42Oh, what, more lies?
30:43No, that'll be the truth.
30:44When we tell him, he's bound to be at Totten Dick.
30:47Listen, I'm going to have a wash.
30:50Then we go downstairs,
30:51see if we can get something to eat.
30:52All right?
30:53What about Rodney?
30:54Oh, that's all right.
30:55We'll pick him up down there somewhere.
30:57Yeah, just look for the nearest sandpit.
31:00Very funny, yeah.
31:15What have you been doing?
31:20I've been skateboarding for something.
31:23Oh, I see.
31:24What's that?
31:26He's having a wash.
31:34Derek?
31:35Hey, Rudders.
31:36Yes, I'm back.
31:39Could you come out, please?
31:40I'd like a word with you.
31:42Let me know, bruv.
31:43No, could you come out now?
31:45No, I've got me pants off, Rodney.
31:48Well, it's quite urgent, Del.
31:50Give me five minutes, I'll be with you.
31:53Sorry about the bad language, Cassandra.
31:56What bad language?
31:57Get it in there, you dipstick!
31:58I'm going to kill you!
32:01Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
32:02What's up with you?
32:03I'll tell you what's up with me.
32:05Thanks to you, I am now a 26-year-old man
32:07who's just come second in a skateboard derby.
32:11Second?
32:12You were in the lead when I saw you.
32:15I fell off.
32:18I told you not to go mad.
32:22I also have a 13-year-old Bross fan called Trudy
32:25who's got the hots for me.
32:27And tomorrow, I start the first of three
32:29cycling proficiency lessons and I'm going to kill you!
32:33I'm damned, Rodney, you're making like a big kid.
32:35Again!
32:37I'm not coming out until you've simmered down a bit,
32:39I'll tell you that.
32:40Well, I'll wait.
32:41Well, I'll wait.
32:43I don't care if it tastes all bloody weak,
32:44I'm going to get you, Derek Trotter!
32:46I'm going to get you!
32:53Have you seen the view?
32:57No.
32:59Would you like a drink?
33:01Strychnine, please.
33:03Ice and lemon?
33:08That's where I come off.
33:12Toxie Lizard.
33:15Shall I clean it up for you?
33:16No.
33:17No.
33:18No.
33:19No.
33:20No.
33:21No.
33:22No.
33:23No.
33:24No.
33:25No.
33:26No.
33:27No.
33:28Well, it could turn septic.
33:30Good.
33:36Is that Trudy waving at you?
33:39Yeah.
33:50Psst.
33:53You calm down, yeah?
33:54Get!
33:58Fainites.
33:59Right?
34:00Fainites.
34:03Oh, Rodney.
34:05Look, do you think if I knew this was going to happen,
34:07that I'd allow us to come over here?
34:10Of course you would.
34:11Because you don't give a toss about anybody else
34:13as long as you're having a good time.
34:16Oh, that hurts, Rodney.
34:18Oh, that hurts.
34:19It's like a...
34:20It's like a knife going right through my heart, that.
34:22I may be many things, but I'm not selfish.
34:25Cheers, darling.
34:27Anyway, they probably fixed up all the entertainment
34:30to the daylight to make you feel at home.
34:32You know, most probably the rest of the week is your own.
34:35Oh, my.
34:36I was given the full itinerary.
34:39Tomorrow, after my cycling lesson,
34:41we're all off to the Splash and Slide.
34:44Then Wednesday, in the morning, we're going go-karting.
34:47Then in the afternoon, we have a ping-pong championship.
34:51Then on Thursday, me and the rest of the Groovy Gang
34:53are out all day painting Palmer Cathedral.
34:56What in, matte or vinyl?
35:00You're enjoying every bloody minute of this and...
35:02No, I'm not. I'm not.
35:04I'm just trying to lighten the atmosphere.
35:06Honestly, if you keep up this mood, you're going to ruin this holiday for us.
35:09Listen to me, you geeks.
35:10No, our gang is not going to help.
35:12At all.
35:13Julie, I bet you told him about the Junior Disco, didn't you?
35:16Junior Disco?
35:18I didn't say a word.
35:19I ain't going to a Junior Disco.
35:21I ain't going to a Junior Disco.
35:22It's all right, Roddy. It's all right. You don't have to.
35:24Me and your step-mum have sorted it all out.
35:27Are you going to say you've got the gutsache?
35:28Oh, no, don't say I'm ill.
35:29Why not?
35:30I've got a great fat nurse to look after us.
35:33Oh, cool.
35:34You like a bit of uniform, though, don't you?
35:36Yeah, but you want to see her.
35:38She'd have to go on a diet to get into the roly-polies.
35:43God, what a choice, eh?
35:45I can either have all day with Trudy in me ear,
35:47all going on about Matt and Luke,
35:49or I have to have me belly rubbed by Sister George.
35:52Tricky one, bruv.
35:54You are enjoying this, aren't you?
35:56No, I am not.
35:58You're deliberately saying things to annoy Rodney, aren't you?
36:00All right, I won't say another word.
36:02Right, that's it.
36:04I'm just going to go out and have a walk round the town, all right?
36:12I didn't know you liked uniforms.
36:15It's not that nice.
36:16It's just him mucking about.
36:19Here.
36:20Oh, yes?
36:21Is Rodney back yet?
36:22Oh, yeah, come in, come in, just a minute.
36:24I'll give him a shout.
36:26Rodney, Rodney, the archaelor is here.
36:39We just thought we'd take the opportunity to check your passports.
36:43Oh, yeah?
36:44What do you want to check our passports for?
36:46It's simply Spanish regulations.
36:47Immigration laws, I'm sure you understand.
36:48Yes, of course.
36:49Do you know where our passports are, dear?
36:51Oh, yes, I'll just get them.
36:57My date of birth's on my passport.
36:59It's all right, don't worry, I've doctored it.
37:00Oh, thank you.
37:01You've done what?
37:03It was only written in biro, so I altered the last two numbers to make it look as though you were born in 1974.
37:08Right on, good evening.
37:09Here they are.
37:31Well, um, everything seems to be in order.
37:33Sorry to have bothered you.
37:34Yes, well...
37:35Oh, Rodney, don't forget about the junior disco Wednesday night.
37:38We start at 7.30.
37:40It's great fun.
37:41We have breakdancing and we have spot prizes.
37:43Smash him.
37:45Cheerio.
37:46Thank you very much.
37:47Thank you, now, bye-bye.
37:52God, stone me.
37:57Listen, I reckon we ought to keep our heads down for a while, all right?
38:00I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll order some room service for us, OK?
38:02What? No, no, no.
38:05I mean, we're all right now, aren't we?
38:07Why don't you, you know, go out for a little while?
38:11Hmm?
38:12Well, you know, you look like you could do with a bit of fresh air.
38:17Oh, yeah.
38:20Yeah, yeah, no, you're right.
38:21No, actually, I do feel, you know, a bit claustrophobic.
38:24Yeah.
38:25Well, I'll, um, I'll leave you two alone then, shall I?
38:28Yeah.
38:37Oh, Rodney?
38:38Yeah?
38:39They're in my flight bag.
38:51He said he felt down with me.
38:54Listen, come on, listen, you two better go to your laptop.
38:57All right?
38:58Come on, mate.
38:59Off you go.
39:06All right?
39:07No.
39:08I thought Rodney and I would be spending a romantic week together.
39:14What?
39:15What?
39:18That's charming, that is, isn't it, mate?
39:21He's gonna lose brownie points for that one.
39:24Still, seems to be enjoying himself, doesn't he?
39:26Rodney's not enjoying himself.
39:28Last night he cried.
39:30Why do you think he's carrying on with this pretense?
39:33He certainly ain't doing it for me.
39:34Cos if me and Rodders had been here on our own,
39:36we'd have been out on that street ten minutes after landing.
39:38Yeah.
39:39He's only doing this for you, sweetheart.
39:41Really?
39:42Would I lie to you?
39:44He only wants to see you having a good time.
39:46He wants to see you enjoying the sunshine.
39:48He's only trying to make you happy.
39:50So the least you can do is to put on a smile
39:52and show that your sacrifices have not been in vain.
39:54I didn't realise.
39:55No.
39:56Well, there you are.
39:57I didn't want to tell you, but, you know, you forced me out.
40:01Oh, here he is.
40:03All right, Rodders?
40:04I'll be back in a minute.
40:08Having fun?
40:09Groovy.
40:11Oh, you didn't get me a drink, then?
40:13Well, not to worry, I'll get my own.
40:15Oi, don't get stroppy about it, don't get stroppy.
40:17I'll have a large Bacardi and Coke, please.
40:19And an orange cordial with ice and a strawberry.
40:22Yeah, I'm going to tell the truth.
40:23Hmm?
40:24I don't care if they do chuck us out on the street, mate.
40:26I just don't care.
40:27That's all right, go on, go on.
40:28You just think of number one, eh?
40:30What about that poor mare?
40:32She's having the time of her life on this holiday.
40:35Are we both talking about Cassandra?
40:37Yes, we are.
40:38She just told me.
40:39But last night she told me she hated it.
40:41Said she'd rather be self-catering in Beirut.
40:45No, she's only doing that for you.
40:47Because she thinks you've got the hump because you've had to go in for these ping-pong championships and hamburger eating contests.
40:53She's only backing you up.
40:54But secretly, really, she's really enjoying herself.
40:58I mean, go on, you go and ask her.
40:59I didn't like it.
41:00No, well, I didn't want to tell you, but, you know, you forced it out of me.
41:06OK, there you go.
41:07Come on.
41:08You come and ask her, then.
41:09Come on.
41:13Hey.
41:14So?
41:15You enjoying yourself?
41:16Yeah, I'm having a great time.
41:18You?
41:20Yeah, of course, mate.
41:22Because we were staying here for a fortnight.
41:26You enjoying yourself, Del?
41:27Oh, you know, not bad, I suppose.
41:29I really...
41:31Oh, yeah, I'll be with you in a minute, sweetheart.
41:34I promised to take them two girls to a nightclub.
41:36All right.
41:38I may be back late.
41:43Rodney.
41:44Rodney, it's the finals of the breakdancing championship.
41:48Good.
41:49What's he watching?
41:50Watching?
41:51A minute.
41:58Oh.
41:59Oh, my God.
42:02John.
42:03Juan.
42:04Can I have a pina colada with ice and Alka-Seltzer?
42:07Hey!
42:08Yeah.
42:09Where have you been?
42:10Sorry, dear, I've been out all night.
42:11You know, you said we was on a winning roll.
42:13Yeah.
42:14It weren't a roll, my son.
42:15It was a bloody avalanche.
42:16I'm not with you, Rodney.
42:17Sorry.
42:18It's OK.
42:19Who?
42:20We've won.
42:21What are you going on about, Rodders?
42:22We've won!
42:23What, the breakdancing contest?
42:24No!
42:25No, you know those Spanish State lottery tickets you bought?
42:26No, look.
42:27Come and give us this paper to swat the flies with.