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00:00Oh, come on, Cassandra.
00:03Yeah, I know you've got your studying to do,
00:05but can't we just go out for a quick drink or a pizza or something?
00:08Then you can do your studying when you get home.
00:11Well, you know...
00:14Well, it's because I like being with you.
00:17I sort of miss you when we're not together.
00:21All right, I'll tell you the truth, I'm bored stiff in this flat.
00:25What? Oh, no, that's Albert. He's got himself a new spin dryer.
00:28Well, it was new once. He bought it cheap because of the bum damage.
00:34Yeah, so at the moment, he's jumping around the kitchen like a Dalek with some Vitas Dance.
00:39Del? No, he's asleep in a chair with his dodgy stomach.
00:44Yeah, he's still getting them pains.
00:46Well, he's going out later for a vindaloo.
00:50Well, no, to him, you see, it's a sort of alternative medicine.
00:54Well, because I don't want to go out with him for a curry.
00:59No, it's all right, I'll just stay in here.
01:02Albert's got that old bird of his coming round, you know, Elsie Partridge. Remember I told you about her?
01:06Yeah, so we'll probably just, you know, put on a few Max Bygraves platters and sit here talking about our ailments.
01:12That's a pity Del's going out, really. He'd have enjoyed that.
01:16What? Oh, that's very nice of them.
01:20Well, tell your parents thank you very much. I'd love to come to tea tomorrow.
01:25Seven o'clock? Yeah, all right, great.
01:28What?
01:31I can't.
01:34Because Del's in the room.
01:43Del.
01:45Del boy.
01:49You know I love you.
01:52Cool, don't I tell you often enough?
01:55Do you love me?
01:58Oh yeah, very funny Cassandra, I'm laughing this end as well.
02:03All right. All right, I'll see you tomorrow then.
02:06Okay, bye.
02:07Bye.
02:23Here you are, son. I got a Chinese takeaway earlier.
02:26I got fried pork, fried rice and fried something.
02:33How can you stand it in that kitchen with all that heat and steam?
02:35I'm an old naval stag, aren't I? That's nothing to me.
02:38I remember coming round Cape Horn once. I was on this merchantman.
02:42Oh, things you and your mates used to get up to, eh?
02:47A merchantman's a ship.
02:49Oh.
02:51It was so hot and steamy in our boiler room, when I'd come out I was shrivelled like a prune.
02:56So that's what caused it.
02:59I hate you when you're in that sarky mood.
03:01Here, do you think Del Boy will like all this fried food?
03:04He's been getting a bit of a chip in his tummy lately.
03:07Nah, he'll be all right.
03:09Maybe he'll be all right. I'll get the knives and forks.
03:17Sorry, excuse me.
03:23You all right, bruv?
03:25Yeah. How are you feeling?
03:27Oh, terrific, Rodders. Yeah, brill.
03:29Yeah, what's all that funny whirring sound?
03:31Albert's spin dryer.
03:33His what?
03:35Oh.
03:37Oh, stone me! Oi!
03:39What is your game? What are you doing buying all this old junk?
03:42Yeah, look at that! Look, it's knocking the paint off all the units there!
03:45I've got an investment deal!
03:48It cost us 50 pence to get our clothes dry at the laundromat.
03:52I bought that off the bloke upstairs for a score.
03:55You dozy old twonk.
03:56That's the one I sold him last week for a tenner.
04:00Why didn't you come and ask me about these things first?
04:03Well, I didn't know I'd bother you with you being ill.
04:05Ill? I'm not ill. There's nothing wrong with me.
04:08But you've got that tummy trouble again.
04:10I haven't got any tummy trouble. There's nothing wrong with me.
04:12I've just got normal pains.
04:14When you come in the night, you flop straight down that chair in agony.
04:17You don't understand, hunk. That is PMA.
04:23I thought only women got that.
04:25I thought only women got that.
04:28No, Rodney, that is PMP.
04:31PMA is Positive Mental Attitude. See, it's the new buzzword.
04:35It's what all us yuppies get.
04:37See, when I came in, I laid down on this chair, right,
04:40and what I was doing, I was psyching myself up for the challenge of tomorrow.
04:43Well, what was all that sweating and holding your belly about?
04:46Oh, that was nothing. There's nothing wrong...
04:48Oh.
04:50Rodney, go to the bathroom and get me the Andrews liver salts, will you?
04:53I'll get you a plate of Chinese, Del.
04:58God knows what those local takeaways are going to do when they know we're going to move.
05:02Move?
05:04Didn't you see that letter? It arrived this morning.
05:06It says on the envelope it's from the Council Housing Department.
05:09Yes, I know. I've seen it. I've read it. Thank you.
05:12Is it about them letting us buy this flat?
05:14No, it is not about them letting us buy this flat.
05:16It's about them evicting us from this flat.
05:18Evicting us?
05:20Keep your voice down, will you?
05:22God damn it.
05:25I don't want Rodney to hear any of this.
05:27It's just that I haven't paid the rent on the flat here for the last three months.
05:32God blimey. I knew things were a bit tight, but I didn't know they were that bad.
05:35Yeah, well, things haven't been going very well for me.
05:37All my investments have gone sideways.
05:40I mean, Rodney's been down the market all this week,
05:42trying to flog these exclusive women's fashions,
05:45but what with all the frost and the sleet, nobody seems interested in summer dresses.
05:49I've been tucked up on some of my other investments,
05:52and at the end of the day, I just couldn't afford to pay the rent.
05:55No, but you're still drinking them pina coladas down the wine bars.
05:58You're still eating in the curry houses and the bistros.
06:01Yes, I know, but that is all on slate.
06:03Anyway, I've got to keep up my image, haven't I?
06:05Once your competitors find out or they get a little inkling that you're going down the pan,
06:08they can't wait to pull the chain on you.
06:10That little plonker Rodney hasn't been any help either.
06:14Yeah, I suppose you're right.
06:16Don't worry about it, Del.
06:18Just worry about it, worry about it.
06:20I haven't had a decent night's kip for the last two weeks worrying about it.
06:23It's with me everywhere, all the time.
06:25Summer could turn up right out of the blue.
06:27You'll see, he who dares wins, eh?
06:29Yeah, he who...
06:31Oh, you cow, son.
06:34You've got to see a quack with that belly of yours.
06:37I don't want to see no doctor because there's nothing wrong with me.
06:40Don't you go and get no doctor, Albert.
06:43I don't like doctors.
06:45You've got to go and see that Scottish quack, what's his name?
06:46Doctor Meadows.
06:48He's not like the normal doctor, he's sort of human.
06:51You know, you can talk to him, he's like a mate.
06:54Look, I do not want to go and speak to no Doctor Meadows
06:57because there's nothing wrong with me, alright?
06:59It's your life, son.
07:01Yes, it is my life. I don't want to hear no more about it.
07:03Yeah, don't you think Del Moore ought to go to doctors with his belly?
07:08He won't go to the doctors though, will he?
07:11Because he is terrified of doctors.
07:13Look, I am not terrified of doctors.
07:14The reason I'm not going to see Doctor Meadows
07:16is because there's nothing wrong with me.
07:21You're winding me up, Rodney.
07:25You seeing Cassandra tonight?
07:27No, not tonight, Al.
07:29No, he's seeing her tomorrow night for tea.
07:31That's right. Her mum and dad said I could...
07:35You cunning git!
07:37You was ear-wigging my conversation.
07:39Of course I love you, Cassandra.
07:42I tell you often enough, don't I?
07:50That is out of order, Derek.
07:52God damn me!
07:55It's a cordless phone, Rodney.
07:57You could have talked in one of the other rooms.
07:59Oh yeah, like where?
08:01I can't use my bedroom because the walls are so thin
08:03the people next door can hear.
08:05And I can't use the kitchen because you've got
08:07R2-D2 breakdance here.
08:09You could use the bathroom.
08:11The bathroom?
08:13Albert, I cannot hold a romantic conversation
08:15surrounded by damp towels,
08:17dull soggy espadrilles and a bog with no lids.
08:20Anyway, it's freezing in that bathroom.
08:22You notice that as well, have you?
08:24You can't hardly fail to notice it, can you?
08:26Our bathroom window gets condensation on the outside.
08:30Why do you think that room is so cold?
08:32I don't know, do I?
08:34Now listen, son.
08:36Listen, you may call me a soppy old sod...
08:38You're a soppy old sod.
08:39I'm being serious, Rodney.
08:41Us sailors are superstitious.
08:43It's a sort of an affinity with the supernatural.
08:46And I think there's a presence in that room.
08:50A presence?
08:52Yeah.
08:54When you're in the shower,
08:56don't you feel there's someone else there with you?
08:58Yeah.
09:00But it usually is.
09:02It's either Del having a shave
09:04or you doing your toenails.
09:06The reason that room is so cold is it's possessed.
09:07Oh, leave off that.
09:09Well, she parches as a medium.
09:11She knows all there is to know about the supernatural.
09:14And she said she can sense a presence in that bathroom.
09:17Blimey.
09:19Oh, blimey, Albert!
09:21It's like a sauna out here!
09:23When are you coming to switch this thing off?
09:25It's nearly finished, Del.
09:27Do you want to put anything else in it?
09:29Yes, your head.
09:32Have you ever noticed how cold our bathroom is?
09:34Yeah, it does get a bit taters in there.
09:35After a while, doesn't it, eh?
09:37When you're in there, right,
09:39do you ever get a feeling that you're not alone?
09:43You mean like as if there's somebody in there with you?
09:46Yeah.
09:48What sort of strange feeling?
09:50Yeah.
09:52Like as if you're being watched?
09:54Yeah.
09:56No, why, do you?
09:58No, no.
10:00Well, no.
10:02Albert reckons it's possessed.
10:03Possessed?
10:05Do me a favour.
10:07Give us a couple of months.
10:09It might be repossessed, if you like.
10:11Oh, dear.
10:24Elsie Partridge thinks our bathroom's haunted.
10:27Haunted?
10:29Stop it, will you?
10:31You hurt me.
10:33Is she?
10:35Well, you better whip that round to her, then.
10:39That'll fit her a treat, that, I'll tell you.
10:41I'm not talking about her dress size.
10:43She's a spiritualist.
10:45She can contact the departed.
10:47That's probably where she pulled you.
10:49She has powers, Dale.
10:51She's one of the true communicators.
10:53Back in the early 60s,
10:55she used to hold regular meetings
10:57in that hall above John Collier's.
10:59People come from miles around to listen to Elsie.
11:00She's paid thousands of pounds
11:02to use her powers of communication.
11:04I think it's more to this occult
11:06than meets the eye, Dale.
11:08Do me a favour, Rodders.
11:10No self-respecting ghost
11:12is going to haunt our bathroom, is he?
11:14Especially after he's been in there.
11:16And why is it always so cold?
11:18Well, it could be one of two reasons.
11:20One, it could be, as you two say,
11:22the phantom of the car's here struck again.
11:24Or two, it could be something to do with the fact
11:26that the council has put our extractor fan
11:28in the wrong way round.
11:30Yeah.
11:32God, I was supposed to come back and mend that,
11:34weren't I?
11:36Yes. Honestly, ghosts and ghouls.
11:38You two slaughter me!
11:40I suppose that extractor fan
11:42could have something to do with it.
11:44Thousands of pounds?
11:46Eh?
11:48You said they paid that Elsie Partridge
11:50thousands of pounds?
11:52Yeah. She never took a penny of it, Dale.
11:54She used to send it to the Battersea Dog Zone.
11:56I bet she wished she'd kept some of it now.
11:58She's only got her pension to live on.
12:00Ah, yeah.
12:02They'd pay a fortune to talk to their...
12:04No, no, Dale, Dale.
12:06She's retired.
12:08No, maybe she'd like a little part-time job, eh?
12:10No, just drop it, eh, Dale?
12:12Don't you see what this means?
12:14This means that you were right.
12:16Was I?
12:18Yes. You said to me, you said,
12:20don't worry, something will come out of the blue
12:22to save our bacon.
12:24And this is it.
12:26Me and Elsie Partridge.
12:28What a combination.
12:30Oh, God.
12:32Send him me a sign.
12:34Oh, God!
12:36Come and sit down, Dale.
12:38What can I get you?
12:40Yeah, a pina colada with lots of ice.
12:43Here, Boise,
12:45can we have a word?
12:47Yes, what is it?
12:49Do you remember
12:51that old Cortina you said
12:53me and Jevon would never sell?
12:55What Cortina's that then?
12:57That two-tone one, blue and rust.
12:58Well, me and Mickey sold it the other day.
13:00Well, that Cortina was a death trap.
13:02You should be ashamed of yourselves.
13:04You sold it to us.
13:06Did I?
13:08Oh, yes, yes, yes, so I did.
13:10That's right, yes.
13:12Well, not a bad little runabout, was it, I suppose?
13:14So, you and Jevon
13:16partners now or something, are you?
13:18Yeah, we're doing a bit of trading.
13:20We specialise in anything.
13:22Well, why don't you pop round my showrooms during the week?
13:24I've got a few old bangers out the back
13:26you might have a go at.
13:28Here, would your Marlene be interested
13:30in a crimp-lean dress
13:32with great big flowers all over it?
13:34Well, of course she wouldn't.
13:36Oh, that's a shame,
13:38because Rodney Trotter's got loads of them.
13:42Yeah, if there's anything else you want, Mrs Parr,
13:44you should just give us a shout, right?
13:46She's here.
13:48Who's here?
13:50Well, that spiritualist woman.
13:52Here, to tell you the truth, Trigg,
13:54I'm having second thoughts
13:56about letting Del use that room upstairs
13:58because I don't actually believe it.
14:00I just don't like taking the chance.
14:02Michael, if Elsie Partridge really could raise the dead,
14:05half the moneylenders in Peckham would be employing her.
14:08No, no, it's all a load of old tosh.
14:10Only a simpleton would believe in it.
14:12Well, I'd believe in it.
14:17Say no more.
14:19He still leaves a glass of milk and biscuits
14:21out on Christmas Eve.
14:23My mum went to a seance once.
14:25She got a message from the other side.
14:26Said she'd meet a tall, bald stranger
14:28who would alter her fortunes.
14:30A week later, she got mugged by a skinhead.
14:33There you go, Boise.
14:35You can't argue with that, can you?
14:37I mean, there's got to be something
14:39in all this supernatural stuff.
14:41My old gran was a bit of a medium.
14:43A few years after my grandfather died,
14:45she made contact with him.
14:47Oh, yes? What did he say?
14:49Nothing.
14:51Nothing?
14:53Well, he was dead, weren't he?
14:54Yeah, but she'd just made contact
14:56across the veil.
14:58Yeah, but for the last 15 years of his life,
15:00they didn't talk to each other.
15:02No, he kept the row going.
15:04Yeah, well, he was a stubborn man.
15:06Well, they must have been interesting seances.
15:09A mad medium and a spook with the ump.
15:14Hold up, here come the Ghostbusters.
15:17Yeah, let's get after him.
15:19Pina Colada for me, the usual for everyone else.
15:21Well, I would.
15:22It's all right, Michael.
15:24Yes, come in, come in.
15:26Are you paying for these drinks or what?
15:28It's all right, don't worry about it, Michael.
15:30Don't worry, it'll be all right.
15:32No, no, no, this slate of yours, Delt,
15:34is getting out of hand.
15:36That Mrs. Partridge has just arrived, right?
15:38And she's had food and drink all on your slate.
15:40All right, now don't go on about it, Mike, will you?
15:42Over the last few months,
15:44you've had more cocktails than James Bond.
15:46And a fried lunch every day and all on the slate.
15:48All right, Mike, let me tell you what.
15:50Give me a couple of weeks, I'll sort it all out with you.
15:52I'll sort it all out on the slate.
15:54Michael, unless your attitude changes,
15:56I shall be forced to take my business elsewhere.
15:58Good.
16:00No, wait a minute, Michael, no, no, sit down.
16:02Sit down, listen.
16:04I've been sailing the good ship Trotter
16:06through a little patch of fiscal turbulence.
16:08All right?
16:10But as soon as I get old Elsie Partridge
16:12firing on all four cylinders, I'll be laughing.
16:14I mean, within a month,
16:16she'll be bringing them back to order, won't she?
16:18Listen, look, I've worked out a little price list and all.
16:20What do you reckon on this, then?
16:22Relatives a fiver,
16:24spouses and pets a tenner each
16:26and a score for Elvis Presley.
16:28This time next year, I'll be a millionaire.
16:30Just think what this is going to do to you, Michael.
16:32She'll be drawing them in
16:34from the four corners of the kingdom, right?
16:36So not only will you be getting the rent
16:38from the room upstairs,
16:40but once the show is finished,
16:42all the pilgrims will be pouring down here
16:44for a good old jolly-up, won't they?
16:46I mean, your takings will treble overnight, Michael.
16:48Come on, you know it makes sense, don't you?
16:50What do you reckon, Mike?
16:52Well done, boys.
16:54No, but listen, son, I'm still a bit worried.
16:56Oh, leave it out, Michael.
16:58No, no, we're dealing with the powers of darkness here.
17:00I mean, are we going to end up with tables and chairs
17:02flying all round the bar?
17:04No more than a normal Friday night.
17:07Well, I agree with Mike.
17:09Oh, come on, Rodney, don't you?
17:11No, no, cos we're messing about with the supernatural here.
17:13There's no telling what evil forces we might evoke.
17:15Yeah, you could have Satan himself
17:17come crashing through the wall.
17:19It's a pity Rodney put on his best suit, then, isn't it?
17:21Oh, listen, fellas, this pub was built on the site
17:23of a public grave where the victims
17:25of the Great Plague were buried.
17:27Oh, well, that's all we need, isn't it?
17:29Then popping up to celebrate Agincourt.
17:31It'll be covered in boils and scabs and things.
17:33It'll be like a singing detective look-alike contest,
17:35won't it?
17:42Sounds like her sign to get started.
17:44Well, it might not mean that.
17:47Well, either that or she's got cramp in her wooden leg.
17:50Come on, Rodders, come on, lads, let's get up there.
17:52Come on.
17:55Right, now then, Elsie, don't forget,
17:57this is only a dummy run,
17:59so don't go knocking your pipe out.
18:01The real seance, when the punters come in
18:03with the serious do-re-mi,
18:05is not till next Tuesday night.
18:07Derek, God gave me the gift
18:09to communicate with the next world.
18:11No, I've never profited by it.
18:13I only want to share it with people.
18:15And God gave me the gift to make bunks,
18:17and I only want to share it with you.
18:18So you're not going to say no
18:20to a bit of cash in the penny, are you?
18:22I suppose not.
18:24No, of course you're not.
18:26Lovely jubbly, so everyone's a winner, right.
18:28Ready when you are, Elsie.
18:30Eyes down for a full house,
18:32and we're off and running.
18:34Now, before we start,
18:36I would like to know,
18:38have any of you been to a seance before?
18:40I've been to quite a few.
18:42I think he's starred in most of them.
18:44Well, you show some respect.
18:46Right, Rod,
18:48it is not a bit of a laugh.
18:50It's a very serious matter.
18:52All right.
18:54Anything you say, sweetheart.
18:56Now, before we start,
18:58have any of you any questions?
19:00Yeah.
19:02They don't, you know,
19:04they don't actually appear in the room, do they,
19:06you know, the spirits?
19:08Oh, don't worry, Mike,
19:10just do what you normally do,
19:12water them down.
19:14There's no materialisation.
19:16No, they appear to me
19:18as a gift of paranormal perception.
19:20She's got all her patterns,
19:22you Rodney, eh?
19:24I can feel a whip round coming on.
19:26Will you shut up for five minutes?
19:28So, we don't actually
19:30sort of hear them chatting,
19:32or what have you?
19:34No, they speak through me.
19:36I am the receiver, the antennae,
19:38the aerial.
19:40Now, those spirits
19:42who wish to communicate
19:44will congregate behind you.
19:48So, can they actually
19:50foresee the future?
19:52No.
19:54This is not astrology
19:56or fortune telling.
19:58Though the spirits may give advice
20:00or warning,
20:02which, if acted upon,
20:04could alter your future lives.
20:06I was hoping you might get
20:08a tip for the Derby.
20:10Go along, cut it out,
20:12Del Boy,
20:14let's show a bit of respect.
20:16No, I think it's time we began.
20:19May I ask you,
20:21once contact has been made,
20:23refrain from interrupting.
20:26Now,
20:28hands on the table.
20:32Fingers touching.
20:38Concentrate.
20:48Ah!
21:00What's she doing?
21:02She's going
21:11I can see that.
21:13Why is she doing it?
21:15She's got into a trance.
21:16Thank God for that. She had one of my pies earlier.
21:23The spirits are with us.
21:31A man has stepped forward, a tall elderly man wearing a black coat and a black hat.
21:36He wishes to speak to someone called Audrey.
21:40No, no, Aubrey.
21:43Aubrey?
21:45I am here.
21:53I am here.
22:01You never said your name was Aubrey.
22:05Nor would you if your name was Aubrey.
22:09This man seems agitated. He's brandishing a piece of paper.
22:14Have you any idea who it could be?
22:17No. This piece of paper, it's not a log book for a Cortina, is it?
22:23No, it's a photograph, a black and white photograph.
22:26It shows this man, but years younger.
22:30There's an odd-looking boy standing beside him, five or six years old.
22:35Evil face.
22:38Who is he? Is he your dad?
22:41Yeah, that's right. He was the only one who ever called me Aubrey.
22:47There is a sadness about the photograph as though something was missing.
22:52Oh, yes, of course, your mother, she isn't with you.
22:55No.
22:56Had she passed over to the other side?
22:59No, she was taking a photo.
23:05This man is worried.
23:08He says you must be a good father, you must look after your child.
23:13Is he having a pop at me or something?
23:16Elsie, Boycie and his wife Marlene can't have kids.
23:21They've been trying for years, but nitto.
23:24They've had tests, things frozen and everything.
23:27They've just about given up with him.
23:30He's low on something.
23:32Do you mind not discussing my personal life in front of strangers?
23:39You could tell my old man to keep his nose out of my business.
23:43He was always having a go at me for not giving him a grandchild.
23:46All right, calm down, Aubrey.
23:50Wrap up for a start.
23:53I'm going to get a drink.
23:56It's all a load of old rubbish anyway. I never believed a word of it.
24:00Excuse me.
24:03Are the spirits still with us, Elsie?
24:05Yes, yes, yes, they're still here.
24:08Close the circle.
24:12Someone else has stepped out.
24:14It's a woman.
24:17Tall, slender, long blonde hair.
24:21Fingers covered in rings of ruby and gold.
24:25Bracelets adorn the wrists.
24:29You know who that is, don't you?
24:32Sounds like Jimmy Savile.
24:36Jimmy Savile.
24:39That is our mother.
24:41Sorry, Baba.
24:43Jimmy Savile.
24:45Jimmy Savile.
24:47Chicken.
24:48She says she is proud of her children.
24:52She says you have both worked hard to succeed, but never mind.
25:00She wants you to know that she is with you always.
25:04Wherever you are or whatever you're doing, she is looking over you.
25:09She says you mustn't mourn her any longer.
25:12She is happy. She is at peace.
25:15Um, Mrs Partridge?
25:17Don't interrupt, Rodney.
25:18No, I just wanted to clear something up.
25:21When she says she's looking over us all the time, right,
25:25she doesn't mean all the time, does she?
25:28I think the spirit world would have its own ideas on discretion.
25:32Yeah.
25:35Don't you?
25:37Yeah.
25:40She is concerned for you, Derek.
25:44Me? What about me?
25:47She is concerned for your health.
25:50I'm all right, Mum.
25:52There's nothing wrong. I've never felt better.
25:54She says you are not well.
25:56She feels your pain.
25:59Oh, no, that's just a bit of jit, that's all.
26:02There's probably an onion bargy lodged somewhere.
26:06She wants you to go and see a doctor.
26:10No, there's nothing the matter with me.
26:12She insists.
26:15No, I don't want to go and see a doctor.
26:18You know I don't like doctors.
26:20Oh, they're becoming distant.
26:23They're drifting away.
26:25Can't you get them back else?
26:27Is there anybody there?
26:30If there's anybody there, talk to us.
26:36Say something.
26:38Loggers off.
26:46You made me jump.
26:48What do you think you made us do?
26:50Your customer's waiting down there.
26:52All right, all right, I'm coming.
26:54Go on, go on.
26:56I'll get your coat out.
27:00So what are you going to do, Del?
27:02Hey, what about it?
27:03What about the message from Mum?
27:05I'll do you a favour, Ronnie.
27:06You didn't believe all that, did you?
27:08Well, you seem pretty convinced.
27:10At one point, I thought you was going to suck your thumb and fry a paddy.
27:14I was only doing it for Elsie, weren't I?
27:16I mean, she's a genuine old lady who most probably believes that she's getting these messages.
27:20But at the end of the day, it's a load of old rubbish.
27:23Del Boy's right, Dave.
27:24I mean, she got a message saying that Boise's got to look after his kid.
27:27Yeah, that's right.
27:29And everyone knows that Nelson's column has got more chance of knocking out a nipper than Boise.
27:33Wait, Dave.
27:34What?
27:35So you ain't going to the doctor's?
27:36No, I'm not going to the doctor's.
27:38Because there is nothing wrong with me.
27:39Derek!
27:40I'll see you in the bar, Albert.
27:42Come on down, Rodney.
27:44It'll only take you ten minutes.
27:49Thanks for doing that, Els.
27:51That's the first time I've ever lied to anyone at a sitting.
27:54And I only gave Derek that message because you asked me to.
27:58I'm grateful.
27:59He wouldn't take any notice of me and Rodney.
28:02The only one he'd ever listen to was his mum.
28:05Oh.
28:11Right then, come on, Rodney.
28:12Here, Nerys, wear them posters.
28:14Rodney, stick these up in the window.
28:16The sooner the devotees get to know about them, the better.
28:19Phil!
28:20Marlene!
28:21Hello, darling.
28:22What are you doing here, eh?
28:23Well, Boise's just told me what that Elsie Partridge said.
28:26Oh, now, don't you start.
28:28I've been having enough trouble with Rodney and Albert.
28:30There's nothing the matter with me.
28:32I'm not talking about your illness.
28:33I mean what she said to Boise.
28:35Oh, listen, darling.
28:37You don't want to take any notice of what Elsie Partridge says
28:39because it's all a con, you see.
28:43No, you don't understand.
28:46I'm having a baby.
28:50Your what?
28:52I've just had it confirmed at the hospital.
28:56So what do you think about that then, eh?
29:01Ow!
29:04What was that with him then?
29:06Sympathy pains.
29:07A lot of men go through phantom pregnancies.
29:09I thought that only happened to the father.
29:18Come in.
29:20Oh, sorry.
29:21Is Dr Meadows about, the Scottish doctor?
29:23No, Dr Meadows left general practice two years ago.
29:26He's working at the local hospital.
29:28I've taken over from him. I'm Dr Shahid.
29:32You're a woman.
29:35Well, well.
29:36So I am.
29:38Nobody ever tells me anything these days.
29:41You're Mr Trotter.
29:42I know.
29:43Well, come in.
29:45Take a seat.
29:51What's the problem?
29:52Me?
29:53No, nothing at all.
29:55You're not ill?
29:56Nah, nah.
29:57Never felt better in me life.
29:59Mr Trotter, I have a waiting room full of sick people.
30:02Now, what is it you want, a certificate?
30:03No, no, I don't want a certificate.
30:05I mean, I'm self-unemployed.
30:07No, it's just...
30:09It's hardly worth bothering you about, really.
30:12Why don't you let me be the judge of that?
30:14Now, what's the problem?
30:16All right, well, I've been getting a bit of Cynthia.
30:19Cynthia?
30:20Pain.
30:24Where do you get this pain?
30:26Well, all over, really.
30:27I mean, this morning I got it in the lift.
30:29No, no.
30:31Where? On your body.
30:32Oh, right.
30:33Get it in the old New Delhi, don't I?
30:36New Delhi?
30:37Yeah, the belly.
30:38You're not from round these parts, are you?
30:41No, I'm from New Delhi.
30:45Really?
30:46Not much point calling you in an emergency, then, is it?
30:51I mean, I was born in New Delhi and now I live in Peckham.
30:55Yeah, I know, it's just a joke, you see.
30:57Oh, yes.
30:59Very good.
31:01What sort of pain is it?
31:02Well, it hurts.
31:06Yes, but is it a sharp pain or a dull pain?
31:09Well, it's a bit of both, really.
31:12Would you strip to the waist, please, Mr Trotter?
31:15No, no, it's all right, Doc.
31:16No, you don't need for that.
31:17I mean, just give me a couple of pills, that's all.
31:19I'd like to examine you.
31:20Please strip to the waist and lie on the couch.
31:29Do you smoke, Mr Trotter?
31:30Not just now, thank you, Doctor.
31:34I wasn't offering, I was enquiring.
31:37Oh, I see.
31:38No, I don't smoke.
31:39Well, I have one cigar a year on Christmas night.
31:42I'm trying to cut down.
31:43Oh.
31:44One cigar a year wouldn't do you much harm.
31:47Do you have any trouble passing water?
31:50I had a dizzy spell going over Tower Bridge once.
31:57Do you have bouts of dizziness?
31:59No, no, it was just a joke, Doctor.
32:03I think it would be best if we stopped all the joking.
32:06I'm finding this rather confusing.
32:10Do you ever suffer from constipation?
32:11No, regular squat work.
32:12Do you have plenty of roughage in your diet?
32:14Nothing but roughage.
32:15Muesli, brown bread, all that.
32:17I'm a very organic person.
32:19That's very good.
32:20Even in this day and age, you'd be surprised
32:21at the number of people that still exist
32:22on fried foods and takeaways.
32:24You? Not me, Doc.
32:25I'm like a walking grow bag.
32:29When they bury me, there'll be rhubarb everywhere
32:30within six months.
32:38Mr Trotter,
32:39when I said stripped to the waist,
32:41I meant the top half.
32:48You can put your shirt back on now, Mr Trotter.
32:52I hope my stethoscope wasn't too cold for you.
32:54No, no, not at all.
32:55Round here, you know, we call them deathoscopes.
32:57Really? Why?
32:59Well, because if you can't hear anything,
33:00either we're dead or you're deaf.
33:04Are you a heavy drinker, Mr Trotter?
33:05Me? No, no, I'm teetotal.
33:07Well, you know, I have the odd mineral water,
33:09goat-skinned milk and all that.
33:11You have a very high pulse rate.
33:13Oh, thank you, Doctor.
33:16No, I'm concerned about it.
33:17I mean, it's almost as if you're frightened of something.
33:19Frightened? Me?
33:21No, I don't know the meaning of the word.
33:24No, I know what it was.
33:25It was I jogged down here for the surgery
33:27from the gym this evening.
33:28That's what it was.
33:29Ah, that would explain it.
33:31I wish all my patients were as health-conscious
33:32as you, Mr Trotter.
33:34May we, may we.
33:37So, what do you reckon the pains are then, Doc?
33:39Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure.
33:43I'd like you to go down to the local hospital
33:44and have a few tests done.
33:46Oh, yeah.
33:47OK, well, I'll make an appointment
33:48tomorrow morning, then, shall I?
33:50No, I'd like you to go now.
33:53Now?
33:54You mean this minute?
33:55Yes.
33:57You may have a grumbling appendix.
34:00Now, I emphasise the word may.
34:02If that should prove to be the case,
34:04we have to remove it as quickly as possible.
34:06You mean...
34:07You mean cut it out?
34:09Yes.
34:10I mean cut it out.
34:11But it might not be an appendix.
34:13Maybe.
34:14So, if it's not an appendix, what could it be?
34:17Well, let's not speculate, hmm?
34:18Well, let's hope it's an appendix then, shall we?
34:20Um, don't have to go by ambulance, do I?
34:23No, but I don't want you jogging there.
34:26You can call a minicab.
34:27No, it's all right.
34:28I'll give me brother a bell.
34:29He can come down and take me down there.
34:31I'll call the hospital and tell them you're on your way.
34:33Yeah, OK.
34:37I'll, er, use the phone in reception.
34:39Yeah, all right.
34:47Rodney?
34:48Hello, Rodders.
34:49It's me, Doughboy.
34:50Yes.
34:51Yes, I'm here at the doctor's.
34:53Yes, listen, um...
34:54Look, there's nothing to worry about,
34:56but I want you to come down here
34:58and, er, give me a lift down to the hospital.
35:01Yeah, I've got to go there right away.
35:03Now, listen.
35:04Listen, I said there's nothing to worry about,
35:05so I don't want you driving here 100 miles an hour
35:07and having an accident.
35:08Nothing like that.
35:10What?
35:11No, of course I can't get a cab.
35:13I don't care if Neighbours has just started.
35:17Look, I'm at a quack's
35:18and I want you to take me to the hospital.
35:21I need you here, Rodney.
35:22I want...
35:23I want to...
35:27I don't want to go on my own.
35:30You're all right.
35:31I'll see you in a minute.
35:35There you go, Trigg.
35:36Cheers, mate.
35:37What can I get you then, Rodney?
35:38Oh, er, lemonade with ice,
35:40non-alcoholic lager top and a small rum, please.
35:42Right.
35:43Any news from the hospital, Rodney?
35:45No, not really.
35:46He ain't got a grumbling appendix.
35:48I don't seem to know what it is.
35:49Still, they're keeping him in.
35:50You know, they're running tests,
35:51keeping him under observation and that.
35:53Yeah, it must be horrible, that.
35:54What?
35:55Well, laying in bed all day
35:56with someone standing there looking at you.
36:00No, Trigg, they don't just keep...
36:03Yeah, it must be horrible.
36:06Yeah, years ago, I had a mate like that.
36:08Doctors couldn't find out what was wrong with him.
36:10And he died, did he?
36:12Yeah.
36:15Oh, I'm not saying that Del's got that.
36:17No.
36:18Yeah, well, let's hope not, eh?
36:19Oi, listen, mate,
36:20we're going to visit him this evening, right,
36:21and he asked whether you could do him a bacon sandwich
36:23with lots of brown sauce
36:24cos he can't stand that hospital food.
36:26But he'll be all cold and greasy by this evening.
36:28Yeah, so he likes it.
36:31Oh, and he also said,
36:32would you send up a bottle of Coke
36:33and put some Bacardi in it
36:34so the old matron won't sass?
36:35Yeah, all right.
36:36Leave it to me, Rodney.
36:37That'll do.
36:43There you go.
36:48Cheer up a little bit, Rodney.
36:50I mean, Del's in the best place, isn't he?
36:52Oh, yeah, he's in the best place.
36:54I just wish I knew what was wrong with him.
36:56Or maybe on second thoughts, I don't want to know.
37:00When I was stationed out in New Guinea...
37:02Oh, God.
37:06A crew mate of mine went down with a mysterious tummy bug,
37:10just like Del's.
37:12Finest medical brains in Jaipur
37:14couldn't make out what it was.
37:16Huh?
37:17Your dad still thinking about buying that new Jag?
37:19Yeah, he's looking at one tomorrow.
37:21Yeah?
37:22Until this American surgeon arrived on the scene.
37:26He twigged it straight away.
37:27And what was it?
37:29Green parrot disease.
37:33Well, that's certainly worth knowing, Albert.
37:35Thank you very much.
37:36Are you going to tell the doctor in charge of Del's case?
37:38You know, he might not have thought of it.
37:40Nah, that would have been one of the first things he'd have thought.
37:42How the hell's Del going to get green parrot disease in Ketham?
37:45Well, I admit it's a long shot.
37:47Just grabbing at straws, I suppose.
37:50Yeah.
37:51Yeah, well, we're all doing that, Albert.
37:53I'm sorry.
37:54I'm going to put a drop of blackcurrant in this.
37:57Can I visit Del with you this evening?
37:59Yeah.
38:00It's worth a journey just to see his pyjamas.
38:05He's never been ill before.
38:06Well, you know, he's been ill, but he's never been in hospital.
38:09He's terrified of them.
38:12He got stabbed once outside a dance hall.
38:14There was blood all over his shirt,
38:16four-inch gash in his shoulder, but he never went to hospital.
38:19He didn't have it treated?
38:20No, did it himself.
38:22TCP and a flannel.
38:24Did he know the person who did it?
38:26Yeah.
38:27And I bet he didn't report it to the police.
38:29Nah.
38:30Well, he couldn't, really. He was engaged to her at the time.
38:37I prayed last night.
38:40Prayed Del wouldn't die.
38:42Rodney, that's not going to happen.
38:44No, no.
38:46As soon as I'd done it, I thought,
38:48well, that's stupid. Del ain't going to die.
38:52He's not the type.
38:57So, anyway, they took some more samples this afternoon.
39:00Samples of my blood, samples of my...
39:04Samples of everything.
39:06Now they want me to fast for 24 hours.
39:08Well, why is that? Are they running more tests tomorrow?
39:11Yeah, I'll tell you what, I'll be 12 pound 3 gallons lighter
39:14than when I came in, I know that.
39:16What are you doing? You're not supposed to be eating that.
39:20I know, Rodney, but this fasting makes you hungry.
39:24It doesn't affect the results of your tests.
39:26Give over, girl. It's only a bacon sandwich and a bit of brown sauce.
39:30Exactly. I read it in one of the local papers somewhere.
39:33It's in one of the few hospitals in the country
39:35that doesn't have a bacon sandwich detector.
39:38I don't believe you, Derek.
39:40When a doctor says you're supposed to fast for 24 hours,
39:43then you should fast for 24 hours.
39:45What did you bring the sandwich in for, then?
39:47Because I didn't know you were supposed to be fasting.
39:50And you're not supposed to be drinking that, either.
39:52That's got Bacardi in it.
39:54Shh, keep your noise down, will ya?
39:57Listen, with the sort of measures Mike gives,
39:59there's less spirit in that than there was at our seance.
40:02Yeah, look at that. Wasn't last night the pucker seance night?
40:07Yeah.
40:08Oh, did it go well?
40:10Um, not quite as well as we'd expected.
40:14It was a total cock-up from where I was standing.
40:17Well, come on, tell me.
40:19Well, you know those posters you put up in the pub windows
40:22with the seance and the ghostly face?
40:24Yeah, yeah.
40:25Well, a lot of people got the wrong impression.
40:27They thought the seance was a group.
40:30It was packed with punk rockers.
40:32Special brew everywhere.
40:34People shouting Acid, all that.
40:38They're expecting to see an Iron Maiden-type band.
40:42Then Elsie Partridge walked out in her act.
40:45They weren't best pleased, though.
40:47Unfortunately, she remained in a trance throughout the riot.
40:52She was still in it this morning when I went round her flat.
40:56It's amazing, innit, eh? It's amazing.
40:58I only organised that seance out of the goodness of my heart
41:00to help people over their loss.
41:02Now do they thank me, eh? They chuck it back in me face.
41:05Still, you tried.
41:09Visiting time's over. Can't say I'm disappointed.
41:12I hate these places.
41:14Death and sickness everywhere.
41:17They're all that they're cracked up to be, aren't they?
41:19Take care.
41:20Bye-bye, sweetheart. Thanks for coming.
41:22Bye-bye.
41:23You look after him now, will you?
41:24Yeah, I'll see he's all right.
41:25I hope you feel better soon, Dale.
41:27There's nothing wrong with me. I don't know what I'm doing in here.
41:31I'll see you tomorrow, mate.
41:32Hang on a minute, Rodney. Hang on, will you?
41:34I'll see you outside.
41:35All right.
41:41What's that?
41:43I'm scared, Rodney.
41:46Oh, come on, Dale.
41:48You're in hospitals.
41:49I know. That's why I'm scared.
41:51I mean, can you think of a better place to be?
41:54Yes.
41:55In a pub, down a market, anywhere but here.
42:01I think I know what's wrong with me.
42:06What?
42:10I think I've got...
42:12You know.
42:15You mean...
42:18No.
42:20Probably not.
42:23Yes.
42:26Don't be stupid.
42:28Why do you think that?
42:30Because the doctors found out that I was a bachelor
42:32and they started asking questions about my social activities.
42:36Bloody hell.
42:37Yeah, it's all right. I didn't tell them nothing.
42:39I made out I was like an amateur monk, you know.
42:42Well, I've been laying here, you know, thinking about my past.
42:47Well, what's the point in depressing yourself?
42:50I think about some of the birds I knocked about with
42:53and, blimey, Rodney,
42:55some of them have been round the track more times than a lurcher.
43:00Dale, you're just being irrational.
43:02Am I?
43:04And what about that unisex hairdresser I sent down the high street?
43:08Well, what about it?
43:09Well, I went in there last month for a trim, didn't I?
43:11And I thought I was gonna get one of the dolly birds with the miniskirts, you know, and all that.
43:14Who did I get?
43:15They gave me some mush called Jason.
43:18So?
43:20So?
43:21Saying he's a bandit.
43:25I don't believe it.
43:27Dale, you cannot go around making accusations against innocent people.
43:32Anyway, you can't catch it off a comb.
43:34But saying he's nicked the back of me neck or something with a razor or something?
43:37So, as long as he doesn't kiss it better, you're laughing.
43:40And then there's Uncle Albert, isn't there?
43:42Blimey, he's been round the world more times than Phileas Fogg.
43:46You weren't picked up, and then there's you and that computer.
43:48My computer?
43:49Yes, I was reading about it. All them computer viruses.
43:54Dale,
43:56look, calm down, right?
43:58Look, I understand your fears and concerns, right,
44:01but you're just letting your imagination run away with you.
44:04If you had that, or anything as serious as that,
44:08they would have known by now.
44:10These doctors are experts, you know.
44:15Yeah.
44:17Yeah.
44:18Yeah, of course you're right, Rodney.
44:20I hadn't thought of that.
44:23OK.
44:24Can't be that serious, can it?
44:26Well, of course not.
44:28So you just remember that next time you're lying here at night
44:32thinking about all these women and male hairdressers you've known?
44:37They've got a spare bed downstairs, if you're interested.
44:43Go on, I'll see you tomorrow.
44:44Yeah, all right.
44:49Dale, hold on.
44:50I'll get a nurse.
44:52Nurse!
44:53Hold on, Dale.
44:54Don't you die.
44:55Don't you bloody die!
44:57I'm not going to die, you plonker.
44:58I've just sat on my bacon sandwich.
45:02Oh.
45:07Aren't you eating that?
45:09No, I'm not in the mood, sweetheart.
45:10It's fresh fish.
45:12I know it's fresh.
45:13Just winked at me.
45:15I'll have to tell Matron.
45:16No, it's all right.
45:17It didn't really wink at me.
45:18No, I mean, if a patient doesn't eat his food, I have to report it.
45:21Oh, go on, then.
45:22You go and grass me up.
45:23I'm not frightened of the old cow.
45:25Hey, nurse.
45:28Any news on my application for a bed bath?
45:30Sorry.
45:37You've got to make a decision, Mr Trotter.
45:39We can either save you or the baby.
45:43Robbie Meadows, you old git.
45:46Please, Dale.
45:47Not in front of the staff.
45:48Oh, yeah.
45:49Sorry.
45:50Dr Meadows, you old git.
45:53What brings you here?
45:54I've got good news and bad news, Dale.
45:55The good news is they put me in charge of your case.
45:57Ah.
45:59What's the bad news?
46:00I specialise in amputation.
46:04It's a good one.
46:07Hey, do you still get down the old 111 club?
46:09No, not anymore, Dale.
46:10I pack gambling in.
46:11It's a mug scheme.
46:13You still go down there?
46:14Oh, yeah.
46:17Anyway, how come you're in charge?
46:19It was an accident, really.
46:20I just happened to be talking to some colleagues when the name Derek Trotter cropped up.
46:24So I asked if I could read your GP's report and have a look at your tests.
46:27I was amazed.
46:29I found myself reading about this non-smoking, teetotal, celibate, vegetarian health freak.
46:34I thought, can this be the same Derek Trotter that I know and begrudgingly admire?
46:39That uptight, wheeling-dealing, pina colada lout.
46:42The Castella King.
46:44The curry connoisseur.
46:46The same man who's lived his life on nervous tension, fried bread and doubtful women.
46:52And was it?
46:53Yeah.
46:55Why did you lie to your GP, Dale?
46:57Well...
46:59She's a doctor, isn't she?
47:01I don't understand.
47:02Well, you never tell the doctors the truth, otherwise they'd put you in hospital.
47:05But you've been put in hospital.
47:07Yeah, I know, but I didn't mean that to happen, did I?
47:09I thought you'd just give me a bottle of Jollip.
47:11Dale, if you'd have told the truth in the first place,
47:13my colleagues could have diagnosed your problem in a quarter of the time.
47:16As it was, they thought they were dealing with a perfect man,
47:18but all the time it was you.
47:20It confused them.
47:21Threw them onto the wrong tracks.
47:24Well...
47:25Told her I did have a cigar at Christmas time.
47:29And what about the other 10,000 throughout the rest of the year?
47:32Ah, that reminds me.
47:33We found your cigar holder in the body scanner.
47:36Oh!
47:37Oh, yeah, cheers.
47:38Must have fallen out of me robe.
47:41We now know what's wrong with you, Dale.
47:47All right.
47:50Let's hear the worst.
47:52I can take it. I'm not frightened.
47:54Don't pull any punches. I want it straight from the shoulder.
47:57Yeah, I think it's best in the long run.
48:00Well, basically, Derek...
48:03There's nothing wrong with you.
48:06Hm?
48:08Oh!
48:09Oh!
48:10Oh, thank God!
48:11Thank God!
48:12Thank Allah!
48:13Thank Buddha!
48:14Thank you, thank you, God!
48:15Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
48:17Relieved, eh?
48:19Well, you know...
48:22What about these pains? What are these pains, then, Dale?
48:25You have an irritable bowel.
48:27I'm not surprised with you lot pulling me about.
48:30No, no, that's what your condition is called.
48:32You have an irritable bowel syndrome.
48:34It's nothing serious.
48:35I'll put you on a course of drugs.
48:38Your condition has been caused by your lifestyle.
48:40The late nights, the booze, the nicotine, the fried fast foods.
48:44Do you ever think about all that saturated fat floating around your arteries?
48:48I try not to.
48:49Puts me off me grub.
48:52One of the major contributory factors of this syndrome is stress.
48:55A lot of yuppies suffer from it.
48:59Well?
49:00Dale, I took the liberty of phoning the director of housing about your rent arrears.
49:05Ah, how did you find out?
49:06I phoned your flat.
49:07I'm sorry, mate, I had to find out what the hell was going on.
49:10I spoke to your uncle.
49:11I spoke to your uncle.
49:12The council have agreed to give you some breathing space.
49:15A bit of time to get yourself together.
49:18Right.
49:19Cheers, Robbie.
49:20You've been given a warning, Dale.
49:22Nature's way of telling you to eat muesli for breakfast.
49:25Cut right down on the drink and the cigars.
49:28Eat wholesome, real food.
49:30And above all else, learn to relax.
49:32Doctor's orders.
49:35Right, will do.
49:36Here, pop this into the pharmacy on your way home.
49:40You mean I can go?
49:41Yeah, and don't come back.
49:44I want you convalescing for the next three weeks.
49:46I don't want you working or getting excited.
49:48Sit in a chair, eat boring foods and live a boring life.
49:52That'll be easy.
49:53I'll sit in a flat and talk to my Uncle Albert.
49:56See you around, Dale.
49:57Yes.
49:59Thanks very much, Robbie.
50:05I knew there was nothing wrong with me.
50:09This is it.
50:18This is it, the old sod.
50:24Here you are, Dale.
50:25Breakfast.
50:26Ah, good.
50:27What is it?
50:29It's muesli.
50:31Blimey, it looks like something that's been swept out of a pigeon loft.
50:35Well, you can at least try it.
50:41It tastes like something that's been swept out of a pigeon loft.
50:44I can't eat this for the rest of me life.
50:46I'd rather croak it than eat this rubbish.
50:48Well, don't get excited.
50:49You'll bring your pains back on.
50:50All the quack said was you've got to get a sensible diet.
50:53Muesli's just part of it.
50:55All right, all right, Uncle, all right.
50:57I'll do you a cup of tea, son.
50:58Yeah, all right.
50:59Here.
51:00How many cigars did that doctor say that I could have a day?
51:03She said three.
51:04How many have I had?
51:05Four.
51:13All right?
51:14Yeah, terrific, Rodders.
51:16What's up with you now?
51:18Look, there's nothing the matter with me.
51:20All that happened was I picked up some sort of syndrome
51:22and I've had to go to the doctor.
51:24I've got to go to the doctor.
51:25I've got to go to the doctor.
51:26I've got to go to the doctor.
51:27All that happened was I picked up some sort of syndrome
51:29and you two are treating me like an invalid.
51:31Oi.
51:32We are not treating you like an invalid.
51:34We are trying to do our best by you.
51:36Yeah, it's all right.
51:37I'm sorry, Rodders.
51:38It's all right.
51:40Albert, I've got to complain.
51:44So, you feeling relaxed?
51:47Yes, I'm relaxed all over, thank you.
51:49Good.
51:50Cos I've got some really great news.
51:53Yeah.
51:54What is it?
51:55I'm getting married.