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00:00Alright Dave? Yes, I'm fine, thank you, Trigger.
00:15So, erm, what are you doing here, Trigger? Well, Del said he'd give me a lift to the
00:25pub. Oh, alright. But you live closer to the pub than us. I know. In fact, you have to
00:36walk past the pub to get to this pub. Yeah, but Del said he'd give me a lift.
00:44Alright. You put a bit of music on, Dave. Yes. Mozart Symphony No. 38 in D Major. I
01:10find it helps me unwind, you know. Eases my executive stress. Ain't no words to this, Dave.
01:19No, it's no words, Trig, no. Sort of instrumental. Raquel! I'm giving you two minutes, I'm going on
01:30my own. God, Dave. What's this? It's Mozart's Symphony No. 38 in D Major. It's the karaoke
01:43version. Cassandra, answer that phone, will you please, thank you. Yes, sir. I'll organise a
01:54bloody appointment book for you in a minute. Trotters Independent Traders, how may I help
01:58you? That is one moody mare, that is, isn't it? Look, can you blame her? You're treating her like
02:04she's your personal secretary and you've just had a butcher's at her drawers. The only reason that I
02:09like Cassandra to answer the phone is because she's got a nice voice. Anyway, if you two weren't so
02:13proud, you and her could be living in her mum and dad's house. God, we've been through all this
02:18before. We're happy here. Well, we're here, anyway. I'm running the firm now. Cassandra's
02:26applied for her old job back at the bank, so eventually, so eventually, we might have enough
02:31money to get our own place. I don't know who it is. Sounds foreign. Says he wants to speak to the
02:35boss. Oi, oi, excuse me. I'm the boss now. Sorry, I keep forgetting. Bloody hell, I knew it was lonely at
02:43the top. I didn't think it'd be this quick. I'll get you a bit of a treat. Trotters Independent
02:48Traders, how may we help you? Good evening. I am wishing to speak with Managing Director. Yes,
02:54this is he. My name is Rodney Trotter. I'm the Managing Director. I am representative of Sultan
03:01of Brunei. Wow. You never guess who's on the phone. It's only the Sultan of Brunei. Yeah, right.
03:11My name is Asif Hassan. Well, it's very nice to speak with you, sir. There you go,
03:17Trick. Who are you talking to? The Sultan of Brunei. Oh, yeah, right. Hey, come on, you. And
03:22how may I be of assistance, sir? You have advertisement in newspaper, and His Highness,
03:28he would like to talk with you. No, same old effort. Oh, yeah. Sultan of Brunei reads the
03:33Peckham Echo, does he? What a Moby. If you get me another brush, I can do your other hand for you.
03:43Go away. His Highness, he would like you to fly to Brunei and be his consultant.
03:51No problem. And what exactly would you like to consult with me about?
03:56Recently, His Highness bought a crappy old three-wheeled van,
04:00and he wants to know how to start it on cold mornings.
04:08I had you going there, didn't I? I knew it was you all along. I was just winding you up.
04:16Don't shove it, will you? Just shove it. When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
04:23What's happened? Oh, Dave just had a big row with the Sultan of Brunei. Yeah, right.
04:47To the future. Yeah, the future.
04:54Cass, I'd like us to try for a baby. Rodney, some restaurants don't like that sort of thing.
05:01No, I didn't mean in here, on the table. In the future. Soon.
05:07We weren't very successful at it last time, were we? It'll be different next time. Take it from me,
05:12I'm not about these things. And what about, you know, the way things are?
05:19Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up. Recently, I bought this magazine.
05:24I hate it when you buy those magazines. What's that sort of magazine?
05:28You always end up making comparisons and that sort of thing.
05:30No, look, it is a man's magazine, but not that sort. It's serious. Well, there's a fella writing
05:37in there who's an expert on marital problems, and he's developed this psychological healing process.
05:43I'd like us to try, Cass. You never know, do you? So, who is he? Well, he's American, West Coast,
05:51and he reckons that most couples' troubles stem from bygone days. You know, all them things in
05:56the past. Like the childish way you used to behave? Yeah, that sort of thing, yeah.
06:03He calls that memory baggage. And how do we unload this memory baggage?
06:09We become different people. Different people?
06:11Yeah. I mean, we don't have to go to a plastic surgeon or nothing. It's simply remembering to
06:17forget. To forget who you were and become reborn. His clinic's called Fantasy Therapy.
06:24Wait a minute. Does this involve dressing up? Of course not. It's all based on a theory
06:30known as iconoclastic autosuggestion. Sorry?
06:36It's the subconscious rejecting reality and something else. Basically, each person writes
06:43down their fantasy figure, and then the other person, just for a little while, becomes that
06:48figure. And it doesn't involve dressing up? Absolutely not. No, it's all up here. See,
06:53we suspend reality, and then we create our own little make-believe world.
06:58What do you think, Hess? Are you at least willing to give it a try?
07:04All right, then. Yeah?
07:08Well, no, that's good. That's very healthy. It does involve dressing up, doesn't it?
07:14Yes. It's OK. Let's go for it.
07:19Let's go for it.
07:22God, me. All right. You write down yours, OK? And I'll write down mine.
07:34I never watched The Bill. Oh, I've got some on tape. Yeah,
07:50probably. All right. Your turn.
07:59I didn't know you fancied him. Oh, yeah.
08:03Well, a little bit. Bloody hell, Clare, so how am I supposed to be him?
08:09Dunno. I don't care. Rodney, to hell with putting clothes on. Let's go home and take some off.
08:16Yeah. Yeah, right. Bill, please. Hurry it up.
08:34I thought you two would be in bed. Yeah, we're just going. Good night.
08:41Oh, good night. Hey, you never got your phone for you earlier. Richard Branston.
08:47No, of course he wasn't. I'm gonna kill that bloody Mickey Pierce.
08:50Oh, yeah, well, see you then. Yeah, see you. I couldn't sleep.
08:55No? No.
08:56Oh, well, night-night. Night-night.
08:58I was lying in bed there, you know. I was thinking about all the family,
09:03you know, about Mum and Uncle Albert. Yeah, well.
09:09Night, then.
09:17Thought that old bed, you know. If that bed could speak, it could half tell some tales,
09:24couldn't it? Yeah, old granddad had his first fit in that bed.
09:32Of course, then there was Uncle Albert. Uncle Albert slept in that for years, didn't he?
09:36Do you remember him there? Snoring, tossing and turning and, you know, scratching his old beard.
09:46You had a lot of history in that bed. Yeah, anyway, good night.
09:49Well, try and imagine what it's like. We're lying there in bed and all we can hear is you
09:56watching a telly. Oh, mate, it's not just you. It's Raquel and Damien and all these friends
10:02and Trigger and anyone else who comes into the flat any time of the day or night.
10:07Your flat's overcrowded, Del. No, flats always been overcrowded.
10:12I mentioned it to the council once and they said it was designed to be overcrowded.
10:17Cassie and I can't help thinking if we can hear you, you can hear us.
10:24No, I never heard a sound from your room. Exactly.
10:29While we're at it, this ain't gonna solve anything. I know, I know. I just get so wound up sometimes.
10:37It's water. I know that. That's what I'm saying. You should have a proper drink.
10:43I know. Years ago, I may have given in to that sort of temptation, but not now.
10:49I'm a different bloke now, much stronger, got much more...
10:53Go on, then, small one. Good boy, you know, it makes sense.
10:56Oi, darling, let's have a couple of scotches, please.
11:01So, uh, you know, how can I help? Go out, all of you. Just leave me and Cass
11:07on our own for once. Rudney, this must be your lucky day. I wasn't gonna say nothing,
11:13you know, not yet, cos it's, well, it's a bit of a secret, but I'm taking Damien and Raquel out
11:19next Thursday. Really? That means you'll have the whole evening to yourself.
11:27Cheers, Dil, you are a diamond. At least give us a clue.
11:33Well, all I say is, this is a night that you will never forget. Other than that,
11:37I'm not saying anything. Just sit back in comfort and enjoy the evening.
11:42Oh, yeah, what did Monkey Harris say? How do you mean?
11:45What do you mean, how do you mean? I asked you to phone Monkey, didn't I, and say yes.
11:49Oh, I forgot, Dil. Oh, I'm sorry, what we're getting ready... Oh, was it important?
11:54Was it important? Just hang about a minute, drive. Of course it was important.
11:58He's had a consignment of those electronic personal organisers come in,
12:02and they're selling like crazy. He's got another 200, and I want to put my name on them
12:06before tomorrow, cos they'll all be gone. Oh, Raquel, you've really let me down on this one.
12:16You dish a man, woman, you can't do simple thing.
12:20Shut up.
12:32Oh, girls.
12:33Come on, come on.
12:35Come on, come on.
12:49Thank you, it's not going up we're being raided
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14:37I thought you were going out.
14:38Yeah, I went out.
14:39What are you doing here then?
14:40I've come back.
14:41Why are you dressed like that?
14:44Like what?
14:46Like a couple of wallies.
14:51What, like this?
14:54Don't be naive, Derek.
14:57Can you believe him?
14:58Isn't it obvious?
15:00Well, it may be to some people, darling,
15:02but I'm not from the planet Dippy.
15:05Derek, Cassandra and I were simply...
15:08We're going to a fancy dress party.
15:10Yes.
15:11Oh, I see. Right.
15:13Who are you supposed to be?
15:14That one from the bill.
15:16Oh, Reg Ollis.
15:19What's her name?
15:20I don't know.
15:22Well, whoever you are supposed to be, darling,
15:24you look very, very nice.
15:26You know, a little bit scary, but very nice.
15:31And, um...
15:38And you, Rothers, what about you?
15:40What about me?
15:41Who are you supposed to be?
15:44Russell Crowe.
15:49Pardon?
15:52Russell Crowe.
15:54Russell Crowe?
15:57You look more like Spartacus with piles.
16:00Look, it's a simple fancy dress party, that's all.
16:04Oh, a bit early for a fancy dress party, isn't it?
16:06You know, half past five.
16:07Well, yeah, it is a bit early, yeah.
16:10That's because it's an early fancy dress party.
16:13My ex-boss at the bank invited us.
16:15He can't have late parties.
16:17People have to be up for work early in the morning.
16:19Oh, right, yeah.
16:20Well, a bit of a choker, isn't it, bruv?
16:23You were hoping for a bit of fun and games tonight.
16:27Yeah, well, never mind.
16:28No, bad luck, bruv.
16:31Go on, then.
16:35Go on, then what?
16:36Go on, off you go, I'll lock up.
16:38Um, well, no, no, no, it's all right, we're in no hurry.
16:41Oh, come on, Rodney, look.
16:43Cassandra wants her old job back at the bank.
16:46What's it going to look like if she turns up late for her boss's party?
16:50I mean, that won't go down very well, will it?
16:52Come on, you've got to go and make a big impression.
16:54Here, look, you can borrow the old capri.
16:58Right.
16:59Thanks, Dale.
17:00No, no, come on, come on, you're family.
17:02Go on, you two, go off and have some fun.
17:13Oh, just a second, Rodney.
17:16Here you go.
17:18I don't want you to get rusty.
17:26Come on, monkey.
17:28You've got to be way by six, hurry up.
17:31What in God's name are we going to do?
17:34How many people might see us?
17:37Well, there's nothing strange in a policewoman walking on the estate.
17:40And what about me?
17:41I look like Ben Hurlingham Mack.
17:43Well, I'd just say I've arrested you.
17:45For what?
17:46There can't be a law against going around dressed like that.
17:51Oh, no.
17:54Hurry up, Daddy Tramp's got another job to go to.
17:59Pervert.
18:10You two are still here?
18:11Oh, thank God, I thought you'd gone.
18:13Now, listen, I know that you want to go to this fancy dress party, but I just remembered something.
18:17Look, I don't want to spoil your fun, but I was just wondering, would you mind if you didn't go?
18:22No, no trouble at all.
18:23Anything for you, Dad.
18:25Oh, right, good.
18:27Listen, the thing is, Rodney, I'm expecting a very, very important phone call tonight.
18:31I want you to answer it.
18:33You're not going out this evening, are you?
18:35Absolutely not, no, don't worry.
18:37We'll go to the bank's next party, won't we?
18:39Good, good for you, bravo.
18:40Bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo.
18:4142, I'll be back about midnight.
18:43Oh, and Russell Crowe, yeah.
18:49All like Daffy Duck.
19:11Welcome to another edition of the quiz show that is taking the country by storm.
19:15Not this country, but we're big in Bosnia, and we're massive in Macedonia.
19:21This is the show where you can win anything from one pound to 100,000 pounds.
19:25This is the fastest game show on TV.
19:27This is Thursday, this is live, this is Jonathan Ross, and this is Gold Rush.
19:34Oh, Rodney.
19:35Oh, Cass.
19:38Let's start, as always, by meeting our three lucky contestants.
19:41Now, first up, we have Mike Wallace from Merseyside.
19:44Mike is a financial advisor, married with two horses, and his pastimes include golf, real ale, and dressage.
19:51I think I've seen dressage on the Olympics, Mike.
19:53It's like rodeo on Prozac, isn't it?
19:55That's Mike Wallace, ladies and gentlemen.
19:59Next up, we have Janice Scott from Newquay.
20:02Janice is married to Ian and has a three-year-old daughter named Meryl.
20:06Her hobbies are rock climbing and amateur opera.
20:08Wow, and she's only three, Janice. That's really impressive.
20:11Come on, this is class.
20:15And finally, we have Derek Trotter from Peckham.
20:19Derek is a businessman who lives with Raquel, his significant other.
20:26He has an 11-year-old son named Damien, and his pastimes include fine wines, the theatre, and 16th-century Italian Renaissance art.
20:36Here are our contestants, ladies and gentlemen.
20:44As always, we start with the timed round, so let's see who's got the fastest finger.
20:50Rodney.
20:54Whose famous diary recorded the plague and the Great Fire of London?
20:59Mrs Dale's.
21:04Nice try, Del, but I'm afraid that's not right. You're frozen now at the back of the queue.
21:09Janice.
21:10Is it Bridget Jones, Jonathan?
21:14We're getting so close, Janice, but...
21:17You go to the back. Del, you move up one place.
21:19Mike, get this right, and you'll be the first challenger on the Rainbow Road.
21:23And what's at the end of the Rainbow?
21:30I think I know it, Jonathan. It's Adrian Mole.
21:36Oh, bad luck, Mike.
21:38It was Samuel Pepys. You go to the back of the queue now.
21:41Everyone else moves forward one place, which means that Derek is going to be the first challenger on the Rainbow Road.
21:46Del, come and join me in the middle.
21:53First things first, Del. Here's your pound. Whatever else happens, that's yours, and welcome to the BBC.
22:00Just make sure you ain't Irish, eh?
22:03Now, the rules are simple, which I think is probably just as well.
22:06You'll be given a series of questions, each one having a multiple choice of three possible answers.
22:10With each correct answer that you give, you move to another colour of the rainbow,
22:14and the prize money increases right the way up to the gold question, which is worth £100,000.
22:21Lovely jubbly.
22:23But you also have a number of options to help you on your way, OK?
22:27You have a shot in the dark, you have an SOS, or you can drop one.
22:33Come on, this is class.
22:36Where do we get them? But be warned, Janice and Mike can play their aces at any time, Derek, and challenge you.
22:41So, if you're ready, let's play Gold Rush.
22:46Go.
22:52You have 20 seconds left. Which is the highest mounded in Africa, Kilimanjaro or Fuji?
22:59It's Kilimanjaro, any idiot knows that.
23:01Well, I didn't.
23:04Council, anybody coming back from Ibiza with a duty-free brain cell knows it's Kilimanjaro, but this is Derek Trotter.
23:13I'm going to go with Kilimanjaro.
23:16Derek, that's the right answer.
23:23I thought it was, Jonathan, because I know that Fuji make cameras, don't they?
23:30Now, let's move on to the next colour and take a look at the £2,000 question.
23:34Great.
23:35Del, you're doing really well. Now, Janice has just challenged you, she got it wrong, and she has doubled your money to £10,000.
23:44The next question, the green question, is worth £25,000.
23:49You've still got, of course, your shot in the dark and SOS.
23:52Let's look at the question. Here it is.
23:54In which state was President Kennedy when he was assassinated in 1963?
23:59Well, he was in a terrible state, he died.
24:01Right.
24:07Just a little bit too quick there. Please let me give you the three possible answers.
24:10Was it Texas? Was it Florida? Or was it California?
24:17Sorry, Jonathan, no. I'm going to have to use my shot in the dark on this one.
24:21OK.
24:23I'll go for...
24:27Florida.
24:28No!
24:29No...
24:31I'm afraid Florida is wrong. It was Texas, but you played your shot in the dark,
24:36which means that you lose the money and you're frozen out of the game.
24:39OK, here's the penalty question.
24:41How many wheels does a reliant Robin have?
24:51This question is worth £50,000.
24:54Derek is correct. These lights will turn to gold and he'll be answering the £100,000 question.
24:59So, if you're ready, for £50,000, here it is.
25:02Which classical guitarist wrote the opera The Child and the Enchantment?
25:06Was it Ravel, Segovia or Rodrigo?
25:11I think I know this one, Jonathan.
25:14I think it's...
25:17Ravel?
25:19Or, I keep thinking, you know, it could be...
25:23Could it be Segovia?
25:27Then again, it might be Rodrigo.
25:32Well, Derek, you're right. It's definitely one of those four.
25:36Well, in that case, Jonathan, I'm going to have to use me old SOS, aren't I?
25:40Yeah, I think that's probably wise. Who would you like to be your saviour tonight, Derek?
25:43My brother, Rodney.
25:44OK, and where is Rodney right now?
25:46He's at home in a flat, you know, taking care of a bit of business.
25:49OK.
25:50Ooh! Ooh!
25:53No, no, no!
25:55But Dale said he was expecting a very important call.
25:58Oh, bloody hell!
26:05Hello.
26:06Hello, is that Rodney?
26:08Yes.
26:09Hello, Rodney, this is Jonathan Ross at the Gold Rush Studio.
26:12Oh, piss off, Mickey! You're getting my tits now!
26:21Mickey Pearce pretended to be Jonathan Ross.
26:24Rodney, hello, it's Jonathan Ross, we need your help.
26:27Rodney!
26:30Rodney, no, it is Jonathan Ross.
26:33Oh, my God.
26:36Hi, Jonathan, how are you?
26:39I'm... I'm just fine.
26:41I've got Derek here, and he's on £25,000.
26:44You're kidding!
26:45No, I'm deadly serious, but he's got a problem with the £50,000 question.
26:49And he has chosen you as his saviour.
26:51So listen carefully, you'll have 20 seconds to answer.
26:55Now, listen, Rodney...
26:56Hold on, hold on, what's in this for me?
27:00Hey, I'll make sure you get a drink.
27:04Which... which classical guitarist wrote the opera The Child and the Enchantment?
27:10Was it Ravel, Sadovia or Rodrigo?
27:17Ravel.
27:19How sure are you?
27:20100%, Derek.
27:22Good boy, Rodders.
27:25Take it away, Dale.
27:27I know my classics.
27:30Yeah, I'll go with that, it's Ravel, Jonathan.
27:33OK, you know, Derek, you don't have to take his answer, you know that, don't you?
27:36Yeah, no, no, no, no, but he knows what he's talking about, it's Ravel.
27:40So you don't want to change your mind?
27:41No.
27:42Derek, that was the wrong answer.
27:50It was Sadovia.
27:53No, no, no, Rodney said it was Ravel.
27:58Yeah, I know he did, but he was wrong.
28:00Bad luck, Dale, sorry.
28:01He's got two GCEs.
28:05Derek, you've used up all your options, you've lost all your money.
28:09I'm afraid you're frozen out of the game.
28:11Janice, join me on the Rainbow Road.
28:14Hello, welcome, congratulations.
28:16Now, here's your pound.
28:17No-one goes home from this game empty-handed.
28:19We'll get straight on with the first question, which is...
28:25I was certain.
28:27I was so certain it was Ravel.
28:29Roddy, you did your best.
28:31Yeah, yeah, I did, didn't I?
28:33And Dale was OK, weren't he?
28:35Yeah, till he kicked the podium over.
28:38No, no, I think that was just an accident.
28:41No, no, I think that was just an accident.
28:43No, he kicked it, it fell over.
28:45Jonathan Ross had to pick it up.
28:54All right?
28:55Yeah, you?
28:57Where's Dale?
28:58I haven't a clue, Rodney.
29:00At the end of the show, he disappeared.
29:02He just went off into the night and abandoned his child and his wife.
29:06His significant other.
29:08In an area of London we've never been in before.
29:10Oh, thank Christ.
29:12Thankfully, the studio paid for a cab home.
29:16I'm going to make a coffee.
29:18Raquel?
29:19Don't. We're friends.
29:22God, I don't know why my dad didn't use Trigger as his SOS.
29:26Because Trigger wouldn't have had a clue.
29:28Oh, yeah, and he was spot on, weren't he?
29:38What the hell happened to you?
29:40I went out.
29:43Oh, good. Long as I know.
29:52What?
29:54How's your evening been, Rodney?
29:57Not very good, to be honest.
30:00Bloody snap!
30:02Oh, my God.
30:03Dale, I'm sorry. I could have sworn it was reveillance.
30:07Oh, you could, Cassandra, couldn't you?
30:08Yes, I could.
30:09Well, you're both a pair of dipsticks, then, aren't you?
30:11You, you, you, you.
30:13You're never going to borrow my capri ever again, you.
30:15Oh, right. Well, that bone marrow, right? You forget it.
30:21I mean to say, I mean, everyone knows that Ravel makes shoes.
30:29What?
30:30Shoes?
30:31Yeah, shoes.
30:32It was a trick question and you fell for it.
30:36Oh, right. Yes. Sorry.
30:39Still, at least you won a pound.
30:42A pound? Yeah, that wasn't even enough of a bus for her home, was it, eh?
30:45Anyway, I went out to some clubs after the show, the Drama Sorrows,
30:50and I was in this one particular club and I was talking to this lap,
30:54lap, lap, lap, laptop salesman,
30:59and even he said it wasn't Ravel.
31:02Would you like a drink, darling?
31:03No.
31:04OK, fine. There you are. Now that you've done, you're upset.
31:07Don't do it. You stay here and...
31:14You know, for the rest of my life,
31:16getting that question wrong in front of my family, my friends,
31:20well, the entire British nation,
31:23is going to be the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.
31:26Russell Crowe?
31:31Or maybe not.
31:34PHONE RINGS
31:37Hello?
31:39Yes, he...
31:41Can I ask who's calling, please?
31:44Phil. Hmm?
31:45It's the producer of Gold Rush. He wants to talk to you.
31:47Oh, no. What's he want?
31:49I bet it's about that podium. I bet someone's damaged it now, hasn't they?
31:53All right, I'll speak to him.
31:55Hello? Yes, this is Derek Trotter.
32:00What?
32:02No. No.
32:06He said there's been a mistake. It was Ravel.
32:09No. I knew I was right.
32:11Yeah, he said I could take the £50,000 and go back on the show.
32:15Yes!
32:17Oh, have a day off, will you, you lot?
32:23Who do you think this is?
32:25Hey, look, you can hear the jukebox in the pub.
32:28Bloody Nicky Pitt. I'm going to murder him.
32:30No, no, no. Get the back of the jukebox. Don't worry.
32:33Yeah, I'll tell you what we would like you to do.
32:36Give all the money to charity, yeah?
32:39And if you phone here once again, I'm going to come down there
32:42and kick your arse into Shreddy Duck.
32:44Goodbye.
32:46See? That's it.
32:49Jonathan?
32:51He said give the £50,000 to charity.
32:55What a nice guy.
32:58Who do you people think we are, eh?
33:01We're the Trotters, and we're back.
33:04Yes!