Benidorm S02 E06 - Episode #2.6

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Transcript
00:00This is a test.
00:31Pick up five. Sorry, Troy.
00:33Unless you've got another king.
00:35I certainly have. Pick up ten, Donald.
00:37I think not. Pick up fifteen, Gavin.
00:40This is ridiculous. There aren't fifteen cards to pick up.
00:43Calm down, Gladys. It's only a game.
00:45No, Gavin's right. It's too hot for cards.
00:47What say we all have a post-breakfast dip in the jacuzzi?
00:51Ooh, yes!
00:52That'll do for me. Come on.
00:54No, I'm fine here, thank you.
00:55Nonsense. Put our thing in. Come on.
00:57I'm sorry. I said no.
01:00Are you OK?
01:02Come on!
01:04Last one in takes you on the boat!
01:06Ooh, that'll be all of us!
01:13Right, I'm off to get my mam. You're going to talk to Mel.
01:16Aye, all right.
01:19You look nice, mam.
01:21Thank you, darling.
01:23I'll be off then.
01:25Yeah.
01:28Oh, look. My watch is wrong.
01:30It's the 12th, not the 11th.
01:35I say, my watch is wrong.
01:37I'm sure it's the 12th today.
01:39Yeah, well, that's what you get for buying a cheap watch.
01:43Mam, why don't you want me nanna and Mel to get married?
01:47Look, me dad said it's because Mel's a nutter.
01:53Tell, are you going to be all right with baby Coolio?
01:56Yeah, course I am. He's my baby.
01:58Right.
02:00See you back here later.
02:04I thought we could maybe go into the old town for our tea tonight.
02:10Just me and you.
02:12You kids will be all right, won't you?
02:14Yeah.
02:16You're joking, aren't you?
02:18What's the point of spending money out there when it's all paid for in here?
02:21No, you're right.
02:23No point at all.
02:31Dad, I think Mam's upset.
02:34I know. There's something wrong with her watch.
02:42Look, I don't want to make a big thing of this.
02:44I just... I just don't take my clothes off in public.
02:47This isn't about body image, is it?
02:49Yes, it is, actually.
02:51You've got to be joking.
02:53You're a fine figure of a man.
02:55Oh, please.
02:56Look, it's all about how you see yourself.
02:58I mean, at home, when I look in the mirror,
03:01I don't see a fat person.
03:03Really?
03:05No, not at all.
03:07Right, I see.
03:09Where do you buy these mirrors?
03:12MUSIC PLAYS
03:21A large vodka and orange and a gin and tonic.
03:24Thanks, love.
03:27Bit early for this, isn't it?
03:29Do you want it or not?
03:31There's no need to take that tone with me, lady.
03:34It's not my fault your ignorant pig of a husband
03:36forgot your ten-year wedding anniversary.
03:39We're not here to talk about Mick.
03:41We're here to talk about Mel.
03:43Oh, no.
03:45If you brought me here to try and talk me out of getting married
03:48to the man I love, you can stick your vodka and orange up your arse.
03:52The man you love? You've only known him 20 minutes.
03:55We'll have known each other four weeks on Saturday.
03:58And on Saturday, I'll be having a white wedding on the beach
04:01here in Benidorm.
04:03A white wedding?
04:04Who the frig's going to be wearing white, you or him?
04:07Oh, very funny.
04:09And you can stay away if you'll be coming out
04:11with vicious comments like that.
04:13Don't talk rubbish.
04:15As if I'm going to stay away from your mother's wedding.
04:17Oh, it wouldn't make much difference to me.
04:19None of my other six daughters will be there.
04:21And why do you think that is?
04:23Because they're not on holiday with us.
04:25No, because you've systematically alienated every one of them.
04:29Ooh, look who's swallowed a bloody dictionary.
04:32They may as well be aliens. I'd see them more often.
04:35I just don't want someone you've known for three weeks
04:38to drive a wedge between us.
04:40No, but you're happy for him to pay for your holiday.
04:43You didn't tell me he'd paid until we got here.
04:46I thought you'd paid.
04:47Don't you raise your voice to me, lady.
04:50And it's four weeks, not three weeks.
04:52Three weeks, four weeks, does it matter?
04:54Just think about what you're doing, Mother.
04:56Don't you worry. I know exactly what I'm doing.
04:59And I also know that on our ten-year wedding anniversary,
05:03I won't be spending it on me own in an empty Spanish bar
05:06crying into me gin and tonic, like you.
05:24Here we go, coffee, black, like your women.
05:30Just a joke to break the ice.
05:32We've not really had a chance to talk, have we?
05:35So, you and Madge getting married?
05:37You sorted out the OK magazine deal yet?
05:41You think yourself a bit of a comedian, don't you?
05:43Depends how tough the crowd is.
05:45Well, do you know what I think?
05:46No, I'm a comedian, not a mind reader.
05:49I think as a man in your late 40s,
05:51you should spend less time poking your nose into other people's business
05:54and more time looking after your own affairs.
05:56Look, can we...
05:57Madge and I are in love, we're getting married.
06:00Deal with it.
06:04I'm 41.
06:15Give us a...
06:16You've been fiddling with that for 20 minutes.
06:19Not that I've been watching you.
06:21My name's Jack.
06:22You're very confident for a 12-year-old.
06:26I'm 24.
06:28It's just the date you're trying to change, is it?
06:30Yeah, and if you can't do it, just give it us back.
06:33I need to go and find my mother before her battery runs out.
06:41You are absolutely gorgeous.
06:44Is that supposed to be a compliment?
06:46Er, yeah.
06:48Does your mother know you talk to women like this?
06:51My mum died last year.
06:53I'm sorry.
06:55My dad as well.
06:57Me and my sister booked this place with the money they left us.
07:01Well, I'm very sorry to hear about your parents, Jack,
07:04and it's lovely to hear your life story, but I'd better get going.
07:07Hang on, I'm nearly there.
07:11You remembered my name.
07:13Yeah, I did, didn't I?
07:15That means we should run off together into the Mediterranean sunset
07:18and get married.
07:19All right, I'm up for it.
07:21Seriously, I'd marry you tomorrow.
07:24You're gorgeous.
07:25I've got enough weddings to go to this week, thank you.
07:28All right.
07:30I'll settle for a kiss.
07:33OK, Jack.
07:34We've established you're genuinely hilarious.
07:37What we haven't established is that I'm married.
07:41What happens in Benidorm stays in Benidorm.
07:45It's just a kiss.
07:47Goodbye, Jack.
07:49You haven't paid for your drinks.
07:51Oh.
07:52Oh.
07:53My bag's on my mother's wheelchair.
07:55I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.
07:58Yeah.
07:59Yeah.
08:04There's your change.
08:19Wow.
08:23Bye.
08:35Kerry!
08:36How are you?
08:37Hello, Mr Stuart, Mrs Stuart.
08:39Oh, what a lovely surprise.
08:42Come and sit down.
08:43Thanks.
08:45Now, how's your mum after that terrible business in the pool?
08:50Oh, she's OK, thanks.
08:52She said she's going to sue the hotel
08:54and pay to have the woman's kneecaps broken.
08:56You know, the one who threw her in.
08:58Still a bit upset, then?
09:00You could say that.
09:02Oh, dear.
09:03And how are you?
09:04Well, that's why I'm here, to be honest.
09:06I need some advice.
09:08Go on.
09:09I went to work last night and, well, this was waiting for me.
09:12Oh, I haven't got my glasses.
09:14Oh.
09:16Dear Kelly, I love you.
09:18Kelly, I need you.
09:19You are not like the other English pig girls.
09:22You are kind, beautiful and you do not smell.
09:25You've got to admit, he's got away with words.
09:28If we cannot be together, I ask for one last night of passion.
09:32I know you want this.
09:34With one night of passion,
09:35I will show you that you need me as much as I need me.
09:40Sadly enough, I don't think that's a mistake.
09:42Oh, this is a good bit.
09:44The throbbing of my heart for you
09:46is as big as the throbbing in my trousers, Matteo.
09:50Oh, I think I like him again now.
09:53PS, please do not show this letter to your mother.
09:56She is crazy like stabbed bull.
10:00No, actually, he has got a point with that last bit.
10:02Isn't it a shame when the nice-looking ones
10:05always turn out to be the nutters?
10:08I mean, look at Harry Seacombe.
10:11Pass your pen to Kelly Jacqueline.
10:14Do you think we know how to sort this out?
10:18Dear Matteo...
10:29We should travel more, you know.
10:32I mean, I know this holiday hasn't exactly gone to plan,
10:35but just feel that sun.
10:39Next holiday, I know it sounds crazy,
10:42but no planning, no booking, just get up and go.
10:46Can you imagine how liberating that would be?
10:50Yes.
10:53I know it's ridiculous,
10:55but can you imagine going to the airport,
10:58running up to the desk and saying,
11:01here's my passport, here's my money, you decide where I'm going?
11:05To hell with the consequences, I just need to goddamn get away.
11:10Yes.
11:17I'm writing these postcards
11:19and I don't know half the people's addresses.
11:23What are you writing them for, then?
11:25I don't know.
11:27I can always give them to people when we get home,
11:30save on stamps that way as well.
11:32Hiya, you all right?
11:34Oh, yeah. Yeah.
11:36Fine, thanks.
11:38Hello, it's Chantal, isn't it?
11:40Yeah.
11:41Yes, I was speaking to your mum the other day
11:44and this is your son.
11:46Can we have a look at him?
11:49Oh, he's taken the sun well, hasn't he?
11:53Mum!
11:54He's mixed race.
11:57Oh, right.
11:59Oh, right.
12:01Like your father.
12:03My late husband was half Irish,
12:06although you'd never know from just looking at him, mind you,
12:10and never moved his arms when he was dancing.
12:14So the clues were there.
12:18Geoff, we're going to ask if you can look after my son
12:20if we went out for a drink together.
12:22Oh, lovely.
12:24Yeah, I was going to ask you, but I forgot.
12:27Forgot?
12:28No, that smashing when he going out tonight.
12:31Yeah.
12:32No, I was thinking about maybe tomorrow night.
12:35Oh, right.
12:37No, actually, tomorrow night's better for me.
12:40I'm a bit tied up tonight.
12:42I thought we was just doing karaoke tonight.
12:45No.
12:46No, I'm...
12:48..quite busy tonight.
12:50Busy doing what?
12:52You know, people to see, places to go.
12:56What people have you got to see?
12:58You don't know anybody here.
13:00Just people.
13:01And what places have you got to go to?
13:04You've not been outside the building since we got here.
13:07Yeah, exactly.
13:08Which is why I've got to do all my stuff tonight, innit?
13:12Well, if you say so.
13:14Yeah, I do.
13:15Right.
13:16Well, anyway, is tomorrow OK for you?
13:19Lovely.
13:20You bring him any time you want.
13:24All right, well, maybe see you later.
13:27Yeah.
13:28Cool.
13:29Whatever.
13:32I go into the chapel and we're going to get married.
13:40Will you shut up?
13:49Right, I'll have to get back.
13:51I've left someone halfway through wigwam-bam.
13:53Excuse me, I need to find my wife.
13:55Well, I'm not stopping you.
13:57No, sorry, I mean, have you seen her?
13:59What's she look like?
14:01You've seen her with me.
14:02Blonde, about average height, very pretty,
14:06late 30s, looks younger.
14:09Slight intolerance to wheat.
14:11No, I can't think who you mean.
14:13Looks quite miserable most of the time.
14:17Away?
14:18No, I'm not seeing her today.
14:20I just assumed she'd gone for a walk,
14:22but she's taken her clothes, suitcase.
14:24She hasn't left a message here for me.
14:26No.
14:30Janie, I need you to read this.
14:32I'm busy.
14:33Janie, please.
14:35For Christ's sake, give us a ear.
14:37Dear Matteo, I am sorry I have been avoiding you.
14:40You are right.
14:41Even if we cannot be together,
14:43you deserve one last night of passion.
14:45Room 204, love, Kay.
14:49You're a dirty cat.
14:51Kate.
14:52Room 204.
15:08Come on, you breeders.
15:10Wham, bam, bam, shamelam.
15:13Wham, bam, bam, shamelam.
15:16Come on.
15:17Wham, bam, bam, shamelam.
15:21Wham, bam, bam, shamelam.
15:26Look, don't let them get you down.
15:28I'm all right.
15:29Well, you don't look all right.
15:31You've been upset since you came back this afternoon.
15:33I said I'm fine.
15:35I don't give a shit if they never talk to us ever again.
15:38Well, I do. That's my mother.
15:43If they want to get married, I say let them get on with it.
15:46What is marriage, anyway? It doesn't mean anything.
15:49It's only a bit of paper.
15:54Mam, are you all right?
15:59Janice, what's wrong?
16:02What's the matter, love?
16:04Hey!
16:16Hey!
16:28Kelly.
16:43Oh, Kelly.
16:45I have missed you so much.
16:47Tonight, I will be your matador.
16:52You will ride me like a crazy bull.
16:58Bring your beautiful flower in every beautiful field of my...
17:16SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
17:21WHAM, BAM, BAM, SHAMELAM
17:23I'm all right, honest. I'm fine.
17:25You're not fine.
17:27Come on, what have I done?
17:29Just tell me what I've done.
17:31What have you done?
17:33Ten years married and you didn't even buy your wife a card.
17:37What are you withering on about, you daft dung?
17:41Oh, my God.
17:42It's all right.
17:43It's all right.
17:44You have the brass neck cheek to criticise my fella.
17:47You're no better than animals.
17:49How old are you?
17:52Unbelievable.
17:55Janice, I'm so sorry.
17:57It's all right.
17:58But ten years.
17:59It's fine.
18:00I'm not bothered about that, honestly, mate.
18:03I love you. I love you so much.
18:08I love you too.
18:10Come here.
18:13WHAM, BAM
18:15WIG, WHAM, BAM
18:16Gonna make you my man
18:19WHAM, BAM, BAM
18:20Gonna get you if I can
18:22WIG, WHAM, BAM
18:24Gonna make you understand
18:26Try a little touch
18:28Try a little too much
18:30Just try a little WIG, WHAM, BAM
18:38Can we have some noise with WIG, WHAM, BAM?
18:44Next up, we have Janice Harvey
18:46singing Real Dad Ringing For Love.
18:49Yay!
18:51Shit, sorry, Mum. I put you down.
18:54It's all right, darling.
18:56I want to sing it.
18:59I'm gonna sing it for your dad.
19:09Come on, Jan!
19:14Have you and me, Mum, really been married ten years, Dad?
19:18Yes, son.
19:20Ten wonderful years.
19:22Ooh.
19:24Every night I grab some money and I go down to the bar
19:30I got my buddies and a beer, I got a dream, I need a car
19:35You got me begging on my knees, come on and throw the dagger for
19:39A man who doesn't live by rock and rule, I'm blue alone
19:42Baby, baby
19:43Rock and roll and brew, rock and roll and brew
19:46They don't mean a thing when I compare them next to you
19:49Rock and roll and brew, rock and roll and brew
19:52I know that you and I, oh, we got better things to do
19:55I don't know who you are, what you do, where you go when you're not around
20:00I don't know anything about you, baby
20:03But you're everything I'm dreaming of
20:06I don't know who you are, but you're a real dad ringer for love
20:11A real dad ringer for love
20:23Kate! Kate, hold on, I'm coming!
20:29Martin, how the devil are you?
20:31Oh, my God, I'm sorry, I thought...
20:33No worries. Are you off to the karaoke? We're nearly done here.
20:38Yes, I'll...
20:43..see you downstairs.
20:49Rock and roll and brew, rock and roll and brew
20:52I know that you and I, oh, we got better things to do
20:55Rock and roll and brew, rock and roll and brew
20:58They don't mean a thing when I compare them next to you
21:01I don't know who you are, what you do, where you go when you're not around
21:05I don't know anything about you, baby
21:08But you're everything I'm dreaming of
21:11I don't know who you are, but you're a real dad ringer for love
21:16A real dad ringer for love
21:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:05MUSIC FADES