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Short filmTranscript
00:01Hello, Mrs. Llewellyn.
00:03Oh, hello, David.
00:04And what can I do you for today?
00:06I'll have a quarter of bonbons and a copy of Gay Times, please.
00:09That's my only outlet.
00:10Is it not on the rack, love?
00:12I couldn't see it.
00:13Well, it must have gone then.
00:14I'm sorry?
00:15You only get the one in for you, so I imagine somebody must have bought it.
00:18I don't think so. I think you'll find I am the only gay in this village.
00:21Oh, I remember. Somebody definitely came and bought it yesterday.
00:25It's got Aisledean in it and a very informative article on rimming.
00:30Who bought it?
00:32Don't you know? I can't remember.
00:34Finch.
00:35Well, now, um...
00:37Come on, woman!
00:38Well, now, let's think. Who came in yesterday?
00:41Di Davis, the music master. He might have bought it.
00:44He's not gay.
00:45Well, he does share a cottage with the English master.
00:48They're just friends.
00:49No. Come to think of it, he just bought Vogue.
00:52See? He's not gay. Who else? Quickly.
00:54Father Hughes.
00:55A gay priest? What planet are you on, woman?
00:57Oh, remember?
00:58Go on.
00:59Yes, I was quite surprised, actually,
01:01cos I had absolutely no idea he liked Gog.
01:04Who? Who?
01:05Well, I'd just popped next door to the tearoom for a bun,
01:08and when I came back...
01:09For the love of God, woman, tell me!
01:11Noel Jones.
01:12Who?
01:13The blacksmith.
01:15Right!
01:19Hello, Davis!
01:20I'm commandeering this vehicle.
01:29Right, Dave, right!
01:31Right! I'm on my way with you!
01:35What's this I've been hearing?
01:39Oh!
01:40David.
01:41David Thomas.
01:43You must be Noel.
01:44No, I'm his brother, Rhys.
01:45Noel!
01:51No, I...
01:52I left something in the oven.
01:55LAUGHTER
01:57It's late early evening,
01:59and Lou is taking his friend Andy out for dinner.
02:02The table's booked for seven.
02:04We'd better get you dressed, then, hadn't we?
02:06Yeah.
02:07Now, what do you want to wear?
02:08Smurf.
02:10Smurf?
02:11You want to wear your Smurf outfit?
02:13Yeah.
02:15It's quite a smart restaurant.
02:17I'm not really sure a Smurf outfit is appropriate for where we're going.
02:21Yeah, I know.
02:22Now, what do you want to wear?
02:23Smurf.
02:27This Chinese food is delicious.
02:32You're welcome.
02:36Did you do crisps?
02:40Swimming pools in Britain have very strict rules.
02:43No bombing, no petting, no ducking and no fondue parties.
02:53WHISTLE BLOWS
02:54WHISTLE BLOWS
02:56Excuse me, can I have a word?
03:00Just, er, been speaking to a little girl.
03:03Says you pushed her in the pool, did you?
03:05No, that's... Yeah, that's new,
03:07because what happened was, was she knew the Redman sisters.
03:09Well, they found a barooka sock in a girl's box and put it in Carrie's bag,
03:11and she completely had an earpiece,
03:12and turned up to Kamal Sharma's party with a compass and stabbed Kamal Sharma.
03:15But anyway, Shelley Bentley gave Craig Herman a blowy in the shallow end
03:17for a bite of his funny fur.
03:19I asked you if you pushed that girl in the pool.
03:22No, because I couldn't have done,
03:23because I was with Michaela the whole time,
03:25because she was crying, because you know Dominic Malone?
03:27Well, he was supposed to be meeting her down the swing to go to her base,
03:29but anyway, Ian Patworth, who I, like, once got off with as a joke,
03:31nicked a whole bottle of Dubonnet off Stacey Manning's mum
03:33and hid it in the woods, but then he couldn't find it,
03:35but then he did find it, but he didn't like it,
03:36so he threw it at a family of gyppos.
03:38Did you push her in or not?
03:39No, because I would never do that,
03:40because once I heard the song like that, a man pushed a man,
03:43and the man died, and that's true,
03:44and if you don't believe me, you can ask him yourself.
03:45Anyway, John had tripped up Dean Hurst by the water slides,
03:47and he had to have 300 stitches in his face,
03:48and when his mum found out, she went down John's dad's car showroom
03:50and went out to a box of Nostra,
03:51and done her dirty business on that.
03:53Get out and go and get changed.
03:55Well, I'm just going to have a wee first,
03:56and then I'll get changed.
03:57Be quick.
04:08Right, I'll go and get changed.
04:11Don't go giving me e-mails!
04:15Oh, shut up!
04:19At Kelsey Grammar School in Flanders,
04:21the boys are preparing to take a test.
04:23Absolute silence while the test is in progress, please.
04:28I don't want to hear a pin drop.
04:30I don't want to hear a pin drop.
04:38Right.
04:40Now.
04:43You may begin.
05:01Meanwhile, at this institution in Flatley,
05:04Dr Lawrence is showing an inspector round.
05:07Currently, we have 40 residential patients,
05:10and as you can see, we do like to keep things very relaxed here.
05:14I'm not one of those who subscribe to the school of
05:18keeping everyone under lock and key.
05:20I am going to need those glasses back, Anne.
05:23Ultimately, it's all about trust.
05:25Excuse me.
05:26Ultimately, it's all about trust.
05:28Excuse me.
05:33Fortunately, when I came here,
05:35I was able to gain, quite quickly,
05:37the respect of everybody.
05:40It's awful.
05:44Inside 10 Downing Street,
05:45the Prime Minister is in the middle of his morning briefing.
05:48The results of the opinion poll come through, Sebastian?
05:50Yeah, I've got them right here, Prime Minister.
05:53What sort of things are people saying?
05:55Well, they're very happy with your work on Northern Ireland.
05:57Strong approval on your health service reforms.
06:00They'd like to see you in shorts.
06:03Shorts?
06:04Yeah, Prime Minister, just a pair of cycling shorts or something.
06:07Oh.
06:08They like the fact that you're assuming a tough stance on crime,
06:11and they like it when your hair's a bit wet,
06:13because you look kind of soppy, Prime Minister.
06:16They'd like to see you wrestle a man.
06:19I'm sorry?
06:20A Bosnian, a good education, could do better.
06:23These are the mostly men I've covered.
06:25Can I have a look at them?
06:26Yeah, just right here.
06:28Now, rail track...
06:30Oh, you've got an eyelash. Stay still. Stay still.
06:34Make a wish.
06:38Darling, there's your suit for the Treasury dinner.
06:40Now, we're running very late, so you'll have to get changed here.
06:42Oh, thank you, darling, yes.
06:44Have you seen my earrings?
06:45I don't know, darling. Which ones?
06:47Oh, you do know Sebastian, don't you?
06:48Oh, hello, Sebastian.
06:49Hi.
06:50How are you?
06:51Fine.
06:53We're having a meeting here.
06:55Have you tried the bathroom?
06:56Of course. Now, don't be long.
07:00See you later, darling.
07:01I'm not going.
07:03I was talking to my wife.
07:04Bye, Sebastian.
07:06Whatever.
07:08So, anyway, um...
07:10Oh, God, I've completely forgotten what I was going to say!
07:14Thanks for coming in, and I really should get changed now.
07:16Yeah, yes, of course, of course.
07:19And you'll have a word with the Foreign Secretary about Tuesday?
07:21Yeah, I'll get straight on to it, Prime Minister.
07:30Oh, yes, can you approve the budget overspend by first thing on Monday?
07:34Because it's quite big.
07:38Yes, Sebastian, now, if you don't mind, um...
07:40Quick, Prime Minister, get down!
07:43What's going on?
07:44I thought there was a sniper, Prime Minister.
07:46Where?
07:47By the window, but there isn't.
07:52Can we get up now?
07:55Give it a minute.
07:58This is the, er, communal garden, and we all look after it together.
08:06Anne there has, er, decided those flowers might look better, er...
08:10Where are you going to put them, Anne?
08:18Just there.
08:21Businesses often say, do we have a team of professional gardeners here?
08:28Oh, yes, Anne is particularly fond of this tree.
08:33Hello?
08:35I'm just in the middle of something at the moment, can I call you back?
08:38OK. Bye-bye.
08:52Clients do find it very therapeutic, too.
09:03Come on.
09:14In Herbie, Lou is making some changes to his friend Andy's bathroom.
09:17So, I'm going to put these here and here, OK?
09:22Yeah.
09:24Why?
09:25So you can do toilet when I'm not here.
09:27Yeah, I know.
09:28So, we stick one here, yes?
09:32Yeah.
09:33And one here, yes?
09:36Yeah.
09:37Because I'm going to have to drill into the wall, you know.
09:39Yeah, I know.
09:40Could you, er, pass me the drill?
09:43Oh, I can't reach it.
09:48OK.
09:54Right, I've finished.
09:55Do you want to come and have a look?
10:00Right.
10:03Here we go.
10:07Ta-da!
10:08What do you reckon?
10:09Yeah, I like it.
10:11What's it for?
10:12So you can do toilet when I'm not here.
10:14Yeah, I know.
10:16Do you want to try it out?
10:17Yeah.
10:18All right, I will leave you to it.
10:28How are you getting on?
10:30Yeah, fine.
10:36This is the home of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham.
10:40Books were introduced into Britain in the 1950s.
10:43Early books had no words or pictures,
10:46but nowadays the book world is thriving
10:49with over seven books published every year.
10:52And with that, Clarence took Amelia into his arms,
10:56held her and kissed her
10:58like a woman had never been kissed before.
11:01Yeah.
11:03Oh, I think.
11:05How many pages, Miss Grace?
11:08Oh, 76.
11:10Oh.
11:12Then they went to the shops for a bit,
11:15didn't really see anything they liked,
11:17came home and had a bit of a kiss and cuddle.
11:20The end.
11:22You know, I think I'll have a truffle.
11:24Oh, there was a full box here this morning.
11:27You've been scoffing again, haven't you, Miss Grace?
11:29I've touched them.
11:30I've got my eye on you.
11:33Then they watched a very long television programme
11:37which took up lots of pages.
11:39The end.
11:41How many pages?
11:43Well, still not enough, I'm afraid.
11:45Oh, well, let's come back to that one.
11:47What's it called again?
11:49Uh, Lady in White.
11:51Well, let's start another one.
11:53The Lady in Merve.
11:57Chapter One.
11:59The End.
12:01This is the newly built St. God's Hospital in Shireshire,
12:04which was opened just last year by Dame Rona Cameron.
12:07Oh, that's lovely.
12:09Go to the stairs.
12:12Give it another minute and then we'll go.
12:14Does Katie run?
12:16Oh, David.
12:18David Sowell, thank you so much for coming.
12:20Not at all, I got your letter.
12:22Not if I could be of any help.
12:24Oh, just you being here's going to make a huge difference.
12:26How are you, sweetheart?
12:28How's she doing?
12:30Oh, she's all right, but David Sowell, tell us about you.
12:32Any more Starsky and Hutch in the pub, Ron?
12:34Not currently.
12:36What about a new album?
12:38Because it's been a while since 1997's Leave a Light On.
12:40Maybe next year.
12:42I'm focusing on acting right now.
12:44Oh, yeah?
12:46Yeah, because we saw you in Halby City.
12:48Yeah, we couldn't believe it.
12:50We said, look, there's David Sowell in Halby City.
12:52We couldn't believe it.
12:54That's what we said.
12:56Are you still in touch with Huggy Bear?
13:01Christmas cards.
13:04Better get the address right.
13:06Yeah, why's that?
13:08Otherwise it might go to Yogi Bear.
13:10Don't mind him, David.
13:12I'm just having a laugh with you, David.
13:14It's just his wife, David, he's just playing with you.
13:16Bit of a joker, you know.
13:18So, Tommy, what does Katie want to do when she grows up?
13:23Don't know, David, she's quite ill.
13:29Don't give up on us, baby.
13:32Just give us one more try.
13:35Come on, Silver Lady, say the word.
13:41When I need you,
13:44I just close my eyes and I feel you.
13:49Leoceo.
13:51Stupid cow.
13:54Oh, I nearly forgot, that's the LP.
13:57Oh, yeah, yeah.
13:59David Sowell, would you mind signing your LP for us, please?
14:04Thank you.
14:06Is that Katie with a Y?
14:09No, it's Joan with a J.
14:12And Rod, just Rod.
14:15Hi, David Essex is in reception.
14:18We're going to have to hurry you out, David.
14:22It's a real pleasure to meet you both.
14:24Yeah, absolutely.
14:26And I do hope that Katie gets better soon.
14:28Yeah, sure she will.
14:30Thank you, David Sowell.
14:31Thank you, David Sowell.
14:33Through there.
14:35Oh, what's he put?
14:37It's a Rod and Jane.
14:39Screw you, David Sowell.
14:41Must be the militancy.
14:44Community centres in Britain are ideal places for all kinds of groups to meet.
14:50It's half past two now,
14:52and Marjorie Dawes is taking her weekly Fat Fighters class.
14:55Now, a little bird told me that somebody,
14:59and I'm not going to name any names,
15:01has been going around saying that they've been following the diet
15:04and they haven't been losing any weight,
15:06and that Fat Fighters is just a rip-off.
15:08Well, in answer to this shit-stirrer,
15:11we've got a special visit from the Fat Fighters Slimmer of the Year.
15:16His name is Cliff Roberts.
15:19Now, before I bring him out, just have a look at this.
15:22This is what he used to look like.
15:25There we go. Oh, look at that.
15:27And these, would you believe, are his trousers.
15:30So, please welcome the Fat Fighters Slimmer of the Year, Cliff Roberts.
15:43Now, you are Slimmer of the Year
15:46because you lost the most weight out of anybody.
15:49How much did you lose?
15:51Three stones and nine pounds.
15:53Three stones and nine pounds.
15:55See?
15:57And how much do you weigh now?
15:5919 stones and one pound.
16:0119 stones and one pound.
16:04Yeah.
16:06OK, let's just get this into perspective.
16:08Come and stand by your cut-out for a minute.
16:10Here we go.
16:12Yeah, so you'd hardly recognise him, would you?
16:14Sit back down.
16:16Now, what we all want to know
16:18is how you came to lose all this weight.
16:20Well, basically, I just ate sensibly and exercised.
16:23Yeah, and you found the special Fat Fighters range helped?
16:26No, they're a waste.
16:28Good. So, what would you say to someone
16:30who's a bit of a Judas
16:32and who's thinking of leaving Fat Fighters?
16:34Well, I think being around other people who are also...
16:37Yeah, don't say it to me, say it to him.
16:40Having other people around you
16:42who are also trying to lose weight
16:44gives you that extra boost, really.
16:46So, if you want to lose weight, then keep coming.
16:48Yeah, you fat shit.
16:51Well, I wouldn't call him that
16:53because that would lower his self-esteem.
16:55So...
17:02Oh, they're like tits, aren't they?
17:09We do eat together
17:11and I think that's good for everybody.
17:13We're not trying to implement
17:15any sort of hierarchical structure here.
17:18Thank you, Ann.
17:20Yes, I think it's no small tribute
17:22that when people come and see us here
17:24they do say who are the doctors
17:26and who are the patients.
17:28I know that when the Chief Medical Officer
17:30came to see us,
17:32I think it was either August or...
17:34It was August.
17:36He said only the same thing
17:38and that was a real lift to everybody
17:40who works here, you know, because...
17:42Oh, that was good.
17:44It was really good.
17:46So, we find it...
17:48We're not ready for coffee just yet, Ann,
17:50but thank you.
17:52Or tea, you really want tea now,
17:54don't you?
17:56I really would be amazed
17:58at some of the results we had.
18:00Somebody come and see us recently.
18:02It took a troubled time.
18:04They were quite distressed
18:06when they came to see us
18:08and they'd been in and out of hospital
18:10over a number of years
18:12and we can talk about this later.
18:14Meanwhile, Jason is joining
18:16his friend Gary for Sunday luncheon.
18:18It is the law in Britain
18:20that on Sundays everybody must eat a roast.
18:22The most popular meats are
18:24the ones that are not cooked.
18:26So, what's up?
18:28I thought you weren't coming.
18:30Something special, mate?
18:32You know Jimmy.
18:34Alright.
18:36Hi.
18:38And remember me now?
18:40Oh, yeah.
18:44Have a seat.
18:46What's up?
18:48Hi, Jason.
18:50Oh, yeah. Sorry I'm late.
18:52Oh, I forgot the salt.
18:54I can't remember the last time we had someone over for Sunday lunch.
18:57Well, it's just nice to spend time with you.
19:01Wine, anybody?
19:03Er, not for me, thanks.
19:17Nice potato, you know.
19:20Is that the dog?
19:22I've got the dog.
19:23I can feel something under the table.
19:25I put him out earlier.
19:29So you, er, got a girlfriend then, Jason?
19:31No, I haven't. I'm single currently.
19:36Mum.
19:37Gravy all down yourself.
19:39Put it in.
19:40Honestly.
19:41Sorry.
19:53I've got more meat.
19:55I've got more peas.
19:56More carrots.
19:57And I can do more gravy if anyone wants.
19:59I won't have them in here, thanks, Mum.
20:01Yeah, I'm fine.
20:02Well, there's more if anyone wants.
20:05What's the matter, Mum?
20:07I tell you, it must have gone down the wrong way.
20:10Mum, you all right?
20:12Oh, Gary, get your name and last name up.
20:14It's OK, it's OK.
20:22Oh, oh, oh, oh.
20:25Oh, oh, oh, oh.
20:29Oh, oh, oh, oh.
20:32Oh, oh.
20:35Oh.
20:37That's good.
20:39That's good.
20:41Chinese food was invented by Professor Stuart Tennant in 1986 and has been very popular
21:10ever since.
21:12Just out for a nice quiet meal, can you please try not to mention the whole, you know what.
21:18What's that?
21:19You know what I'm talking about, Liz.
21:21What, that I was Molly Sugden's bridesmaid?
21:23Yes.
21:24Well sometimes it just comes up naturally in conversation.
21:27Well let's just see if we can have an I was Molly Sugden's bridesmaid free night tonight.
21:31Alright then Clive, can I take your order?
21:34Are you being served or shall I go first?
21:37Liz?
21:38Yes, I'll have the seaweed please to start.
21:42That's my boy.
21:45And I'll have the sesame prawn toast.
21:48Oh prawns!
21:49That's what I had at Molly's wedding.
21:50Molly Sugden's wedding where I was the bridesmaid.
21:53And for the main course?
21:55We'll have a 27, a 108 and the egg fried rice please.
21:59Yes, she's very nice, very down to earth.
22:01Quite different from her character the snooty Mrs. Slukem.
22:05Before you ask, no, the wedding dress wasn't from Grace Brothers, perish the thought.
22:09From Grace Brothers!
22:12Liz, people want to know.
22:15Well it's boring.
22:16Well that's life.
22:17Now do us all a grace and favour and shut up about it.
22:20And to drink.
22:22I'll just have a beer please.
22:24And I'll have a glass of Molly, oh I mean water.
22:26Sorry, is it Thomas A. Molly Sugden?
22:28Excuse me, are you talking about that woman from Are You Being Served?
22:32I think she's in that one, is that the one she's in Clive?
22:35She's very funny with all those jokes about her cat.
22:38I'll get you a drink.
22:40If he asks me one more question about Molly Sugden I shall scream.
22:46Molly Sugden!
22:53Meanwhile at St. God's Hospital.
22:55Bye bye baby, baby goodbye.
23:01Bye bye baby, don't make me cry.
23:08Nothing.
23:09Do another one.
23:11I'll do, um, I'm a...
23:13Give a little love, take a little love.
23:16Nah, she doesn't really like that one.
23:19Shang-a-lang.
23:21Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, nice, nice that.
23:23Shang-a-lang.
23:26Shang-a-lang.
23:29Shang-a-lang.
23:31Roughly one second later in the northern town of Scoffidge.
23:38Yeah?
23:39Sam?
23:40Yeah?
23:41Sam Bailey?
23:42Yeah?
23:43I'm here to give you your driving lesson.
23:45I thought you'd come to arrest me. Let's get my jacket.
23:47There isn't time for that. I'm afraid you'll have to come now.
23:51You're not a policeman then?
23:52Not any more, son.
23:53Took early retirement, forced into it, terrible business.
23:56Still allowed to wear the uniform?
23:57The other clothes are in the wash.
23:59There she is, the Duchess.
24:01You're not getting soft, lad.
24:03Eh?
24:04Thick as a puddle.
24:05Put your foot down!
24:06What?
24:08Faster!
24:09Isn't it a 30 mile an hour limit?
24:10What speed are you doing?
24:11Uh, 72.
24:12Stop the car!
24:23Is this your vehicle, son?
24:24No, it's yours.
24:26Driver's license?
24:27It's rather open. You can help me out on that one.
24:29Oh dear, we've got a comedian.
24:32Blow into this.
24:42Yes, thank you.
24:45What's this?
24:46A poodle?
24:47No, I'll tell you what it is.
24:48It's boy Racer, just turned 17, gets into a car, thinks he's Nicky Louder.
24:52I've got me eye on you.
24:53All right, all right.
24:54Now on your way, you black bastard.
25:05Ian?
25:06I've just spoken to Mr. McWhirter
25:08and he says they're only measuring from the top of the head down.
25:14What's the deal?
25:15I don't know, Greg.