Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S07 Е02 - The Sky's the Limit
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00:00Oi, Albert! Come on, a cup of tea out here for you.
00:07Righto, son.
00:08Right.
00:30There we are.
00:44Right, here we go.
00:50Here we are, sweetheart.
00:52Nothing like a nice cup of Darjeeling to start the day, that's my motto.
00:56Thanks.
00:58So, what are you up to today, then?
01:01Oh, nothing much. Just gonna sit around and try and learn this.
01:04Yeah, yeah.
01:05I wish I'd never agreed to this audition in the first place. I'll never get the part anyway.
01:08Hey, come on, you're giving up before you've even started.
01:11You don't know how nervous I get at auditions.
01:13Oh, you'll be terrific.
01:16Remember the old saying, eh?
01:18She who dares...
01:21wins.
01:23You say so, Dad.
01:25Yep.
01:26You know, you're the only one who's ever really given me any encouragement.
01:29My ex-husband used to laugh at me.
01:31To him, ambition, dreams and wonderful things were a waste of time.
01:34Yeah.
01:35Never lose sight of your dreams, sweetheart.
01:37What I've always said, never lose sight of your dreams.
01:40Do you know, when I was 18,
01:42I said by the time I was 21 I was gonna be a millionaire.
01:45Really?
01:46Yeah.
01:47Then when I was 21, I said,
01:48I'll be a millionaire by the time I was 30.
01:50And then when I was 30...
01:52Do you want a jammy dodger?
01:54Lovely.
01:57I've never told anyone this, but...
01:59Do you remember when I was in America for a while?
02:01Mm.
02:02Well, while I was there, they were putting on AIDA at the Met.
02:04Mm.
02:05So I applied for a part in it.
02:07I didn't get it.
02:08There were union problems and I wasn't very good.
02:10Oh.
02:11For a while, my head was filled with big theatres.
02:13You know, New York, Broadway, all that.
02:20Stupid.
02:21No! Not stupid at all, sweetheart.
02:23Not stupid at all.
02:24Cos you had a go, didn't you?
02:26That's the most important thing.
02:27You had a go.
02:28Anyway, I reckon it was all for the best.
02:31How?
02:32Well...
02:33AIDA at the Met.
02:35I can't see you playing a policewoman.
02:41Perhaps you're right.
02:43Although I wouldn't have had to do much research.
02:45My husband was a policeman.
02:47Oh, your husband was a cop?
02:49Cop?
02:50Benny!
02:51Yeah, didn't I ever say?
02:52You did not.
02:53You never told me that.
02:54Oh, dear.
02:57Do you see much of him?
02:58You see him at all?
02:59Oh, I haven't seen him for years and years.
03:00Why?
03:01Me?
03:02Nothing.
03:03No, I'm just curious, that's all.
03:04Just curious.
03:05Curious?
03:06Dear, dear.
03:07You never told me that.
03:08You'd better explain yourself.
03:11Oh.
03:12Am I interrupting anything?
03:13No.
03:15Oh, well.
03:16Better luck next time.
03:17All right.
03:18See you later.
03:19Yeah, all right.
03:20Hey, listen.
03:21Do your front door.
03:22Now, have you seen Cassandra since she got back?
03:24No.
03:25Why don't you ask to meet her?
03:26Talk things over quietly between yourselves.
03:28Well, if she wants to make the first move, fine.
03:30Other than that, no time.
03:32Well, is there a message that I can give her from you?
03:35Yeah, say I still have Vesta.
03:39Vesta?
03:40That's a ball in the bag curry, isn't it?
03:45Ball in the bag curry?
03:47I thought it was.
03:52Ah.
03:57You didn't do any shopping today then, Albert?
03:59No, that cup of tea I had this morning made me feel a bit rough.
04:06I thought you were doing a shopping now.
04:08I've been to lunch with my agent.
04:10Oh, with some egg and bacon in the fridge.
04:12Dale doesn't like fried food.
04:14Oh, yuck.
04:16Well, I'm sorry, it'll have to be egg and bacon.
04:18Oh, well, that's the way it goes.
04:20Four rashers for me, please.
04:22OK.
04:24Oh, by the way, when's that audition of yours?
04:26It's tomorrow.
04:27Tomorrow?
04:28I'm auditioning for Rosalind.
04:29Rosalind who?
04:30The part of Rosalind.
04:32I've got to learn the whole of Act 3 scene 2 by tomorrow morning.
04:34I mean, how the hell am I going to do that?
04:36Don't worry about it now, I'll help you.
04:38How do you mean?
04:39I'll rehearse with you.
04:40I'll read all the other parts so you can get used to it.
04:43You?
04:44Yes, me.
04:45I used to do a bit of acting when I was at school.
04:47Bloody good I was and all.
04:48All right then, thanks.
04:49I'll get the dinner on.
04:50Yeah.
04:51You used to act at school?
04:52Oh, yeah.
04:53I was in the nativity play.
04:55Played the landlord.
04:59Should have seen me.
05:00There was a little girl boy, you know, strutting about.
05:02And then there was a knock at the door like, you know,
05:04someone answered the door and said,
05:06I'm sorry, there's no room at the inn.
05:08And then old Joseph persuaded me to let him kip in the stable.
05:12I tried to charge him one and six for the night.
05:15I got the cane for that.
05:18Those were the days, weren't they?
05:19Those were the days.
05:20Hey, what me?
05:21No, no, no, what me?
05:22Ring the doorbell.
05:23Eh?
05:24Ring the doorbell.
05:25I've got the cane.
05:26No, just ring the doorbell.
05:28All right.
05:40Viva the frocks.
05:43Yeah.
05:44What is that thing?
05:45Brilliant, isn't it?
05:46It's my musical door chimes, that.
05:48Do you know they play 36 different national anthems?
05:5036 different national anthems?
05:52You are kidding, aren't you?
05:53He ain't kidding, Raquel.
05:54I can see it in his eyes.
05:56How do you know they're genuine national anthems?
05:58Because they're written on the box here.
05:59Look, what can't speak can't lie.
06:01Well, I've seen nothing in the Olympic Games.
06:03I ain't heard half the tunes this chime plays.
06:05Yeah, I know, but how many gold medals has Fiji and Borneo won?
06:08But you see, if they had, you know, in the Olympics,
06:11pearl diving and putting the shrunken head,
06:15you would have heard their national anthems, wouldn't you?
06:19Yeah, talking of shrunken heads, Rodney, I want a word with you.
06:24Yeah, what is it?
06:25Uh, listen to me.
06:26I was round your place today, right?
06:28Hitting the new front door,
06:29and I had a little chat with Cassandra,
06:31and I think she's had a change of heart.
06:33Oh, yeah? What makes you think that?
06:34Well, because I had a little chat with her,
06:36and she said to me that she still loves you very, very deeply.
06:43Cassandra said that?
06:44Mm-hmm. Yeah, so much so that she...
06:46Well, she asked me to ask you
06:49if you'd be prepared to meet her tonight.
06:52Where?
06:53Well, I don't know, some...
06:54Where is it? Some little, uh...
06:56Little, uh, restaurant, Wappingway, I think it is.
06:58I don't know.
06:59Well, that's not Cassandra's writing.
07:00That's my writing, that is, isn't it?
07:02I mean, she just told me.
07:03I wrote it down on a bit of paper, that's all.
07:05There you go. What do you reckon? What do you reckon, then, eh?
07:07Yeah.
07:08Well, because, you know, I ain't got nothing better to do.
07:10No, good boy, lovely jubbly.
07:12I hope she don't think she can buy me a bottle of wine
07:14and walk straight back in my life, then.
07:15No.
07:16I don't think she means that, Rodney.
07:17I don't think she does.
07:18Because I think she wants to woo again.
07:20Yeah.
07:21Anyway, I booked...
07:22She booked the table for 7.30, right?
07:24So look at the time now.
07:25Come on, you'd better get your skates on.
07:27Yeah, better have a shower.
07:28Yeah.
07:29Thanks, though.
07:30What are you thanking me for?
07:31I was just a messenger boy, wasn't I?
07:33I feel sort of nervous.
07:35Nervous? What are you gonna be nervous about?
07:37She's your wife.
07:38Yeah.
07:39Yeah, I'll just be myself, eh?
07:40No, try to make an impression, Rodney.
07:43Yeah, yeah, you're right.
07:46Right, well, are you going out tonight, then?
07:48Yeah, I've got to go down to Neg's Head,
07:49cos Mike and Trigger want to buy one of my musical doorbells.
07:52Ah.
07:53Well, do you want me to drop it off at the pub on my way out?
07:55No, no, no, I've got to go, Rodney.
07:56I mean, I've got to go, cos at the moment,
07:58Mike and Trigger don't know they want to buy one of my musical doorbells.
08:01Yeah, no, no, come in back,
08:02and I'm gonna help Raquel rehearse her play.
08:04Oh, yeah.
08:05Mm.
08:06You are rehearsing a play?
08:08Yeah.
08:09Yeah, Raquel's up for some audition.
08:11That's right, one of Shakespeare's famous plays.
08:14And you are rehearsing it with her?
08:16Yeah.
08:17Oh, can't you do it now, before I go out?
08:20No.
08:21Oh, please, I could do with a look.
08:24You know, see how it's all done.
08:26You don't understand, Rodney, you don't understand, do you, eh?
08:28I mean, you can't expect an actress of Raquel's calibre
08:31just to start rehearsing at the drop of an hat.
08:33No.
08:34She's got to search for her character, you see,
08:37and it's all about motivation.
08:40It's all about thought and sensitivity.
08:43And that takes time, Rodney.
08:45See, that takes time.
08:48And apart from that, she's only just put the rashes in the pan.
08:52BUZZER
09:05Brilliant, isn't it, eh? Brilliant.
09:07No more of that Avon calling, Cobblers.
09:10You know, the old stars and stripes.
09:12You expect me to have one of them things on my front door?
09:15You're keen, I can tell.
09:17Still, they are cheap and tacky.
09:19I've got one on my front door.
09:22You most probably have.
09:23You need a brain bypass to have one of them things, Philly.
09:26How much are you selling them for, Dil?
09:30Well, funny you should say that, Trigg,
09:32because they normally retail at £36,
09:35but you can have it for £13.50,
09:38including taxes and fittings.
09:40Go on, then, I'll have one.
09:41Good boy, you know it makes sense.
09:45Oh, my God.
09:46I thought you'd banned laughing in this pub.
09:48Yeah.
09:49With that sort, I am.
09:50See them two blokes over there?
09:52Yeah.
09:53They've been plying her with drinks since six o'clock.
09:55I think they're a bit fed up with it now.
09:57Really?
09:59Would you call her a cab?
10:01Yeah, something like that.
10:04No, no.
10:05Would you phone for a minicab?
10:06The lady wants to go to Battersea.
10:08Oh, yeah, yeah. You leave that to me, mate.
10:10You see, I've got an understanding with British Telecom.
10:12I'll make a phone call and they charge me for it.
10:16I'm sorry, I apologise for him, sir.
10:18It's his religion.
10:19He's an orthodox tight-arse.
10:24How's it going, Trigg?
10:25All right.
10:26I went down to my sister's house the other weekend.
10:28It was her 42nd birthday.
10:30Oh, yeah.
10:32Wait a minute, hang on.
10:33Your sister's five years younger than you.
10:35That'd make her 39.
10:37I know, but she's a typical woman.
10:39She lies about her age.
10:42That's a family.
10:43Oh, mustard, mustard.
10:45Raquel's boning up for an audition for a new play.
10:47It's As You Like It by Shakespeare.
10:49Yeah?
10:50Yeah.
10:51Will it be on telly?
10:52No, no, no, not this particular one.
10:53It won't probably be in this.
10:54But in a West End, something like that.
10:55I hope she don't change.
10:57Raquel, why should she change?
10:59Well, they start mixing with all them posh actors
11:01and the next thing you know, they've changed.
11:03No, not my Raquel.
11:05My sister went out with an actor once.
11:07He played a cat in Puss in Boots.
11:09She suddenly thought she was more intelligent
11:11than the rest of the family.
11:13Yeah, but if you remember, Trigg,
11:15you had the same problem with your goldfish, didn't you?
11:19Work it out, Trigg.
11:20I'll be back in a minute.
11:24Hello, sweetheart.
11:25Hey!
11:26Excuse me.
11:27How are you?
11:28Mwah.
11:29Hey.
11:30How's the little baby?
11:31Oh, he's lovely.
11:32He's up there with Boyce.
11:34Oh, yeah.
11:35Hello, Boycey.
11:36How are you?
11:37Oh, yeah.
11:38Hello, Boycey.
11:39Good evening, Derek.
11:40Yeah, just saying hello to Marlene.
11:42Yes, I noticed you approaching my wife
11:44and shaking her warmly by the aris.
11:47Shut up, you miserable old sod.
11:49He's just having a laugh.
11:50Yeah, he's just having a giggle, that's all.
11:52Here, come on, let me buy you a drink.
11:53What do you want?
11:54I'll have a large cognac.
11:55Marlene will have an orange juice.
11:56She's just about to drive my son back home.
11:58OK.
11:59Michael, can I have a small orange,
12:01small cognac and my special, please?
12:03Hey, Phil, look.
12:04I've got some pictures of the baby here.
12:06Look.
12:07Oh, he's champion, isn't he, sweetheart?
12:09Yes, he's got my eyes, hasn't he?
12:11No, his eyes are all warm and smiley.
12:14So are mine.
12:16My mum always said you had vampire eyes.
12:19Yeah, well, she should know, the old bat.
12:24No, no, no, no, no.
12:25I'll tell you what, though.
12:26He's got my eyes.
12:27Definitely my eyes.
12:28What are you...
12:29Oh, look at that.
12:30I never noticed that.
12:31Mikey's got your mouth, look.
12:32Exactly your mouth.
12:34That is Rodney's nose, if ever I've seen that.
12:39What are you saying?
12:41Nothing, honest.
12:42Nothing.
12:43What are you talking about?
12:44Ain't talking of Rodney.
12:45How is he now?
12:46Oh, he's all right, sweetheart.
12:47He's fine.
12:48Yeah, he's taking Cassandra out tonight, you know,
12:50trying to catch things up.
12:51Oh, good.
12:52I suppose you've missed him, eh, Dil?
12:54Mm, of course.
12:55Rodney.
12:56Oh.
12:57I mean, you must have missed him
12:58when he left your partnership.
12:59Oh, yeah.
13:00You must have missed him
13:01like George Michael misses Andrew Ridgely.
13:11I'll be a minute, Dil.
13:12Don't worry, sweetheart.
13:14Mummy's coming.
13:18That woman is as soppy as the lorry load of monkeys.
13:22You know, I got home this evening
13:23and discovered some salesman's flogged her a doorbell
13:26that plays 36 national anthems.
13:29I've got one of them.
13:31Yes, I'd have put money on that trip.
13:34The difference is,
13:35I live in a mock Georgian mansion on Kings Avenue,
13:38and our neighbours are not going to appreciate
13:40being awoken by the sound of long-lived Swaziland
13:42every time the milkman calls.
13:45Oh, he still calls round, then.
13:48I'm off home now, boys.
13:49Don't be too late.
13:50No, I'll be about an hour.
13:51You'll know it's me.
13:52I'll play Mexico Forever on the front door.
13:54I'll play Mexico Forever on the front door.
13:59Wave goodbye to your daddy.
14:01Hi.
14:22Hi.
14:32So,
14:34how was Spain?
14:35Oh, you know, OK.
14:38Good.
14:40Did you do anything interesting?
14:41No, not really.
14:42It was just Mummy and I at the villa.
14:45To be honest, it was a bit boring.
14:46I can imagine.
14:50No, I didn't mean being in your mother's company was boring,
14:52because she's not a boring person.
14:54I know what you meant.
14:56Good.
14:58Excuse me.
14:59Excuse me.
15:01Do you want a glass of something?
15:02I have the same as you.
15:03Well, it's mineral water.
15:04Oh, that makes a nice change.
15:06I heard you'd been drinking heavily.
15:09Heavily.
15:12Silly.
15:13Can I have a glass of mineral water, please?
15:17No, I think your father was exaggerating slightly, Cassandra.
15:20Daddy didn't tell me. It was Del.
15:23Yeah, well, maybe I did go a bit overboard, you know,
15:26when we...
15:27when we left each other.
15:28You mean when you left me?
15:30Same thing.
15:31No, it isn't.
15:32I didn't go anywhere, Roddy.
15:34I was at the flat waiting for you.
15:36You just didn't come home.
15:38Yeah, well, we came here to discuss these things, didn't we?
15:41Not to argue.
15:42You started it.
15:43I didn't.
15:45I came home when you was on holiday,
15:47and I found you'd changed the locks on the front door.
15:49Yeah, well, I should have told you.
15:51But that was no reason to kick the door in.
15:53I didn't kick the door in.
15:54I just sort of...
15:56You know.
15:57I just sort of...
15:59Why did you go back there?
16:01I wanted to surprise you.
16:03You did surprise me.
16:04I didn't expect to come home to find my husband had kicked the front door in.
16:14Look, I've got just as much right to enter that flat as you, Cassandra.
16:17We have got a joint mortgage, remember, from the bank.
16:21And what about that girl you took out?
16:24I didn't take any girl out.
16:25You asked a girl out.
16:27That was just to make you jealous.
16:29It was a stupid idea, and I never went through with it.
16:32Although, at this moment in time, it strikes me as being one of my better moves.
16:36But this is obviously going to be a total waste of a good evening.
16:39Just think of all the more interesting things I could be doing.
16:41Like washing my hair.
16:43Oh, and what about me?
16:45I passed up the chance to watch Del rehearse a Shakespeare play.
16:48People would pay a fortune for something like that,
16:50and I'd have had it for nothing.
16:52I came here this evening hoping that you and I could find some common ground on which to base our future.
16:57But it's pointless.
16:59I'm glad I found out this early on in our marriage what you're really like.
17:02Your drinking, your bouts of violence.
17:05God, I can just imagine my future with someone like you.
17:08You really are the silliest, pettiest, most childish person I ever had the misfortune to marry.
17:15You fancy me, don't you?
17:19No, I don't.
17:21Yes, you do.
17:23Give me a little slurp, you.
17:25I hate you.
17:27I wanted this to be serious.
17:29I wanted to really tear into you.
17:31Oh, so that's why you asked to meet me?
17:33I asked to meet you.
17:35You must be joking, Roddy.
17:37You're the one that did the asking.
17:39No, Del come home and he said you'd asked to meet me.
17:41And you'd suggested this venue.
17:43Rodney, Derek brought a message round from you.
17:46He said you wanted to meet in this rest...
17:48Del.
17:50Del.
17:54Cute.
17:58So now what do we do?
18:00I don't know.
18:07Fancy showing me your tent?
18:09Yeah.
18:11Can I take you over to the set?
18:13No, I've lost my appetite.
18:15Same here.
18:18That's the new key.
18:20I've got to go round to Mummy and Daddy's.
18:22I've left some of my clothes at their house.
18:24It won't be too long, will you?
18:26About an hour or so.
18:28Do you remember your way home?
18:30I remember.
18:32In case you get confused, we've got a new front door.
18:38Well, I'll see you in bed in about half an hour.
18:42Simply.
18:48Michael.
18:50You're going to have trouble with that one, Michael.
18:52Yeah, don't I know it.
18:54The sooner that minicab arrives, the better.
18:56Disgusting, isn't it?
18:58It's disgusting.
19:00I'd like a lady to be a lady, you know what I mean?
19:02I can't stand a woman being drunk,
19:04staggering around a pub,
19:06dropping her crisps all over the place,
19:08you know what I mean?
19:10I remember your mum.
19:12I remember your mum.
19:14I remember your mum.
19:15I remember your mum.
19:19Who do you mean by that, Shriek?
19:21She was a lady, wasn't she?
19:23Oh, yeah.
19:25My mum was a lady.
19:27Do you know she was the first woman in Peckham
19:30to smoke menthol cigarettes?
19:35Look at the state of that.
19:37I wouldn't be seen dead with that,
19:39let alone admit knowing it.
19:41Oh, dear.
19:46God, blimey.
19:50How are you, darling?
19:54Oh, terrific, terrific, yeah.
19:56How long's it been, then?
20:01How long's what been?
20:03Since we last saw each other.
20:06Have we met?
20:08You don't remember me, do you?
20:10No, I don't.
20:12It's Trudie.
20:13It's Trudie.
20:15Trudie. Trudie.
20:17Were we engaged?
20:18Oh, yes.
20:20Oh, you ain't half changed, sweetheart.
20:22Well, ain't we all love it?
20:24Look, hang on a minute, dear, hang on.
20:26I'll just go and get me drink.
20:29I've gone right off that hot dog, mate.
20:32Neil, Neil.
20:34We made it up.
20:36You and Cassie will be back together.
20:38Well done, brother.
20:40There's a minicab outside for somebody.
20:41It's for your ex-fiancée, Derek.
20:44Get her out, will you?
20:46All right, mate, give us a minute.
20:47Will you give me a minute?
20:48Oi, Dale, it's not another old fiancée, is it?
20:50Yeah, I am sorry, Rodney.
20:51I was very young at the time.
20:53Ian, Cassandra, she's not out there in a van, is she?
20:55No, no, she's gone round to her mum and dad's place to pick something up.
20:57I'll just come round and tell you I won't be home tonight.
20:59What you mean is, Rodney, what you mean is you will be home tonight.
21:02Yeah.
21:04Yeah, my real line, eh?
21:05That's right.
21:06Well, there's your keys, mate.
21:07Oh, you're right.
21:08Thanks for having me.
21:09Oh, Rodney, come on.
21:11It was a pleasure.
21:13Cassandra didn't ask to meet me, did she?
21:16No.
21:17I lied.
21:19You're a conniving git, ain't you?
21:22It worked, though, didn't it, eh?
21:26Oi, Dale.
21:27I've just seen Raquel and Albert getting off the bus.
21:29Raquel? Raquel's coming in here?
21:30Yes.
21:31She can't see me with that true, do you know, jealousy git?
21:33Oh, Dale.
21:34Look out.
21:35Dale.
21:36Yes.
21:37Tell me everything that's been up me, mate.
21:38Well, I...
21:40Well, I'd love to, sweetheart, but your cab has just arrived.
21:43Oh, look, look, Dale.
21:44Why don't you come back to my place and we can talk about old times?
21:50No, I'd love to, sweetheart.
21:51I'd love to, but you see, I've got to stay here and talk some business with these gentlemen, you see.
21:54Rodney, will you escort this lady to her cab?
21:56Yes, sure.
21:57There you go.
21:58I'll see you then, Dale.
21:59Bye, sweetheart.
22:00Here, here, Dale.
22:01Do you come in this pub often, then?
22:03No, no, no.
22:04I've never been in here before in my life, have I, Mike?
22:06That's right.
22:08Come on in, Dale.
22:09Bye, sweetheart.
22:10Bye.
22:11Bye.
22:12Oh, lovely.
22:15Oh, is that my car?
22:16Yes, your car.
22:17Is this a red car?
22:18It's a red car, yes.
22:19It's lovely.
22:20Let me get...
22:21No, not Rodney.
22:22I'll stay with...
22:23You're all right.
22:24You'll be all right.
22:25Mate, you have a daughter.
22:26Oh, yes.
22:27Oh, this is nice.
22:34Case.
22:39Cassie!
22:52Cass, unlock the door.
22:55Cass!
22:56Cass, we've got to talk.
22:59Look, Cass, that bird was nothing to do with me.
23:01She was some old sort Dale was engaged to years ago.
23:05Well, Cass, at least let's talk.
23:08Cassie!
23:12Case.
23:26By no means, sir.
23:27Time travels in divers places with divers persons.
23:30I'll tell you who time ambles withal,
23:32who time trots withal,
23:34who time gallops withal,
23:35and who he stands still withal.
23:37That's it.
23:38Bloody good.
23:39Bloody good, Raquel.
23:40Orlando.
23:41Oh, right.
23:42Oh, yes.
23:46I privy who duff he trot withal.
23:49What are you doing?
23:50I'm acting.
23:51Oh, don't.
23:52Just read it.
23:53All right.
23:56It's all right.
23:58I privy who duff he trot withal.
24:00Is that all right?
24:01Yes.
24:02Mary, he trots hard with a young maid
24:03between the contract of her marriage
24:04and the day it is solemnised.
24:06For if the interim be but a senite,
24:09time's pace is so hard
24:11that it seems the length...
24:13Of?
24:14Of seven year.
24:15When do you got to lure this boy?
24:17Tomorrow morning.
24:20Oh, dear, he's right.
24:21I'm going to make a real mess of this audition.
24:23No, you're not, sweetheart.
24:24No, you're not.
24:25She's going to be terrific, isn't she, Albert?
24:26Oh, she are.
24:27And even if you're not, what have you lost?
24:29What do you mean, what have I lost?
24:30Oh, it's only a bunch of Nancy actors
24:32doing a play which no one can make it in the tale of.
24:36There.
24:37That makes you feel much better, doesn't it, eh?
24:39You dozy old twonk.
24:41This is authentic culture, this stuff is.
24:43You just shut her gob, will you?
24:45Shall we continue, sweetheart?
24:47You sure you don't mind doing this?
24:48No, of course I don't.
24:49I mean, I'm enjoying myself.
24:50This is a blinding play.
24:52Thanks.
24:53Shall we start at the beginning?
24:54No, let's go on a bit, shall we?
24:55Just move on.
24:59Saved by the doorbell.
25:06What are you doing here?
25:07I thought you were staying at your own place tonight.
25:09We've broken up.
25:10You...
25:11You've broken up?
25:13What are you talking about?
25:15You've only been together an hour.
25:17What happened?
25:18She saw me standing outside the nag's head
25:20with my arm around bloody Trudy.
25:23You had your arm around another woman?
25:25Well, no wonder she's thrown you out, sir,
25:26if you're right, doesn't it, Rodney?
25:28Well, Trudy was nothing to do with me.
25:30She was the old sort of...
25:33She was...
25:34She...
25:38She...
25:39Just a friend.
25:41Oh, just a friend, eh?
25:43How many times have I heard that?
25:48I've got no pity for you.
25:49In fact, you disgust me.
25:51Wouldn't do you any harm to take a leaf out of Del's book.
25:56Yeah.
25:57I'm going to study this in the bedroom.
25:59All right, sweetheart.
26:00I'll see you a little later.
26:04Don't you look at me in that tone of voice, Rodney.
26:06How was I to know that Cassandra would see her?
26:08And anyway, what were you doing with your arm around Trudy?
26:10Stopping her from falling flat on her bloody face.
26:13Do you reckon Cassandra would tell her, Dad?
26:15No, no, no.
26:16She'll keep it personal between her and Rodney.
26:18PHONE RINGS
26:22Yeah, away you go.
26:25Er, Trotters International Traders, PLC.
26:29Oh, hello, Alan.
26:30Don't tell me.
26:31Er, no, sorry, he's not in the month.
26:33No, don't say I'm out.
26:34Don't you just say don't say...
26:35Oh, God.
26:36No, sorry, what I mean, he's not in the room.
26:38He's in the bathroom.
26:39Yeah.
26:40All right.
26:41No, I'll take a message, yeah.
26:44Yep.
26:45OK.
26:46All right, Alan.
26:47TTFN, then.
26:48Bye.
26:49He wants to see you in work tomorrow, first thing.
26:51Oh, God.
26:52It's all right, Rodney.
26:53It's all right.
26:54Don't worry.
26:55It's probably something to do with the business, that's all.
26:57Anyway, I'm going to go off and help Raquel rehearse her play.
27:00Now, if you hear any funny noises, right,
27:03don't worry, cos it'll be me rehearsing my speech for Agincourt.
27:09Well, that's it, innit?
27:11Alan is going to sack me.
27:13God's sake, yeah.
27:14Well, of course he can.
27:15He owns a firm, doesn't he?
27:16Yeah, pity shot of his, he's overloaded with work.
27:18He's got orders coming out of his ears.
27:20Everyone's working overtime on weekends.
27:23So what you're saying, he'll wait till the rush is over?
27:25Join the war.
27:26Oh, no, unc, please.
27:27Not the U-boat and the field again.
27:29We docked him the letter on our way to Greece.
27:31We had our chief communications officer on board, Tubby Fox.
27:36It's a funny name for a ship, innit?
27:39That was the officer's name.
27:40Now, Tubby, old Tubby, he liked to live it up once in a while.
27:43And one night he was on duty,
27:45and the captain come in, in the radio room,
27:48and caught him with a Maltese girl in one hand
27:50and a bottle of gin with the other.
27:52Put him under arrest and started court-martial proceedings.
27:54Albert, is there any point to this story, or are you just rambling?
27:58The Navy had a wartime rule.
28:00Only commissioned officers were allowed to control the radio room.
28:04Yeah, you're just rambling.
28:06Now, Tubby Fox was the only communications officer on board,
28:09so you know what he did?
28:11I don't care what he did.
28:12He resigned his commission, which meant...
28:15I don't know.
28:16Which meant the ship couldn't sail.
28:18The captain had no choice but to refuse to accept Tubby's resignation.
28:22Once he'd done that, he couldn't proceed with the court-martial.
28:25It was checkmate.
28:27I see.
28:28So, they needed him more than he needed them.
28:31Exactly.
28:32What I'm trying to say is, realise your own importance.
28:36Tubby Fox did, and he went on to command his own submarine hunter.
28:40Yeah.
28:42You're right.
28:44Cheers, hun.
28:45Yeah.
28:49He died in Palermo Harbour.
28:53Dropped a depth charge in nine foot of water.
28:57LAUGHTER
29:18LAUGHTER
29:27WHISTLE BLOWS
29:30WHISTLE BLOWS
29:41WHISTLE BLOWS
29:43WHISTLE BLOWS
29:45Oi, Rodney!
29:49Alan, there's a letter for you waiting on the desk.
29:52Yeah, yeah, I'll deal with it later.
29:54I wanted to see you.
29:56Yeah, Dale said you wanted to see me.
29:58Look, um, you know that lunch we had with Ron Carey
30:01from the Harveys mail order people?
30:03Oh, yeah, vaguely. That was months ago.
30:05Well, we got the contract.
30:07You're kidding.
30:09A three-year deal.
30:10We do all their junk mail, all their catalogues
30:12and all their office stationery.
30:13Well, that's massive!
30:14Are you telling me?
30:15I think we can safely say we'll be having roast turkey again this Christmas.
30:18Yeah, but how are we going to handle it?
30:20We've barely got the staff or the room to cope with our present workload.
30:23We take on more staff and we move to a bigger workshop.
30:26That's what I wanted to see you about.
30:27I've been looking at some new premises.
30:28I'd like you to see them.
30:31Well, where are they?
30:33You know that new industrial estate out at Nunhead?
30:37Alan, about last night...
30:39Last night?
30:40Yeah, you know, what happened with me and Cassandra.
30:44Oh, that!
30:45Well, needless to say, Pam and I were delighted with the news.
30:47Delighted?
30:48Well, Cassandra came home and told us you were back together.
30:51Oh, yeah.
30:52Well, I wanted to talk to you about what happened after that.
30:56Rodney.
30:58I'm a man of the world, but I'm also Cassandra's father.
31:01I don't want to know what happened after that.
31:03Do you know what I mean?
31:05Yeah.
31:23Yeah.
31:25Group F.
31:27All right, sweetheart?
31:29What are you doing here?
31:30Hmm?
31:31Oh, well, er...
31:32You know, I just happened to be passing and I thought I'd pop in and give you a lift home.
31:36Er, Del, this is Adrian. He's the director.
31:39Adrian, this is Derek. He's, er...
31:42He's a friend.
31:43Oh, pleased to meet you.
31:44Yeah, and you, eh, then you.
31:47So, how'd she do?
31:48At the audition?
31:49Yeah.
31:50Very well.
31:51She can't be there, can she?
31:52I told you it'd be no trouble.
31:53You shouldn't ask questions like that.
31:54Oh, shut up, you're too picky. That's your problem.
31:56So, er, what can I get you?
31:58A small dry sherry, please, Adrian.
31:59Yeah, er, same here.
32:01Right, erm, I'll have a key.
32:05So, er, are you, er, in the business, Derek?
32:07No, no, no.
32:08No, I'm, er, I'm importer, exporter.
32:11I deal in fine antiques, quality objet d'art, mobile telephones, that sort of thing.
32:17Which, whilst we're on the subject, Adrian,
32:19I happen to be doing a very nice line in computerised communication systems,
32:24which I believe would be right up your street.
32:28It's a musical doorbell.
32:30See, what happens, when you press the button...
32:31Derek, er, this is Jules.
32:32Oh.
32:36Jules is our set designer. Jules, this is Derek, er, Raquel's friend.
32:40Hi.
32:43Right.
32:44Oh, give me some vitamin C. I feel absolutely wrecked.
32:48Yeah, well, er, let's go and sit down at the table, shall we?
32:50Fine. I'll just grab some food.
32:52Mm, I feel a bit peckish as well.
32:54Yeah, so do I. I'll fix...
32:55Mm-hm. What?
32:57Well, go and sit at the table. I need to talk to him.
33:00Oh, right. Oh, yeah.
33:15They think I can design magnificent stage sets on peanuts.
33:20I mean, these people don't have a budget. It's more like a whip-wrap.
33:24Yeah, I know what you mean.
33:26It's a bark, innit?
33:28Feel my hands.
33:30Feel my hands. Go on, feel it.
33:34Horrible, innit?
33:35Those are calluses.
33:37I'm the set designer, yet I have to help unload the lorries.
33:40Did I go to art college for three years for that?
33:42Well, no, of course not.
33:48Did you see the match the other night?
33:50Match? What match?
33:52You know, the one between England and Yugoslavia.
33:54No, I'm not really interested in football.
33:56You were lucky. You were dead lucky.
33:57I mean, some of the decisions that ref made were criminal.
34:00They were. I mean, we was robbed. We was robbed.
34:02I mean, they showed the match on Grandstand.
34:04I said to my brother Rodney, I said,
34:05they should have shown it on Crimewatch.
34:07I tell you what I did watch.
34:08Mm?
34:09That Elizabeth Taylor film, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
34:12Isn't she the most gorgeous creature ever?
34:14Oh, yeah.
34:15Pity she got fat, wasn't it?
34:18Derek, her bone struture and her eyes.
34:20Her eyes simply sparkle.
34:22And her hair.
34:23Her hair cascades everywhere.
34:27I'll be out in a second.
34:28I'll tell you what,
34:29you wanna show these new properties,
34:31you wanna show them off.
34:32Let them know I'm not saying a word about them.
34:34Tell them I wasn't doing it.
34:35Get rid of them.
34:36They need to know those
34:37if they're gonna call on me.
34:39You got that?
34:41Yeah.
34:46No.
34:47I'm not gonna go, I'm not gonna go.
34:49I'm not gonna go, I'm not gonna go.
34:52I'm gonna go.
34:53I'm not gonna go.
34:54I gotta go.
34:55Don't go.
34:56Don't go.
34:57You want to see these new premises Alan's going after, they're cosmic, they're modern, they're big.
35:01Yeah, you've told us about 30 times already.
35:04I ain't never seen a place, but I feel like I could give you a guided tour.
35:08Well, I'm excited, ain't I? I tell you, Alan is going places.
35:12Ooh, he's not the only one that's going places.
35:15Yeah, Raquel, I'm going to get all the hounds to come down to your first night.
35:18Hey, Raquel? Raquel?
35:21Sorry, what did you say?
35:22I said I'm going to get all the boys to come down to your first night.
35:24You know, Trigger, Boise, Rodney, me, the lot.
35:26Alan, when you come on stage, we're all going to give you a big cheer, like we're all going to go,
35:29Hooray!
35:30And that, what's-his-name, that Adrian will think that you've got a fan club already, won't he?
35:35OK, thanks.
35:36Oh, cheer up, girl, you got the part, didn't you?
35:39Yeah, I got the part, Albert.
35:40Yeah, there we go then.
35:42Oh, sweetheart, get that down.
35:44No, not for me, darling.
35:45Come on, sweet, I let you come with me just to celebrate your job, yeah?
35:47No, I've got this letter to read, it's all the details of the play.
35:49I'd like to read it with a clear head, I'll see you in a little while.
35:52Yeah, yeah, all right then.
35:55What's up with her?
35:57I don't know.
35:59Ever since she's come back from that audition with that Adrian and all them other actors, she's been different.
36:04I don't know, maybe we embarrass her or something.
36:07Oh, Raquel's not like that.
36:09You don't know, Rodney, a cravat and a codpiece can turn a girl's head.
36:13I'll get it.
36:19Hello?
36:20Alan, yeah, I've just been telling Della and Albert about their new premises.
36:23I was thinking, if we...
36:25What letter?
36:27Oh, yeah, that letter.
36:29Yeah, let me explain.
36:31It was, um, well, it was a token.
36:33A gesture, yeah.
36:35Well, the situation that existed then, between Cassandra and I,
36:38may have been causing you some embarrassment,
36:40and, well, I just wanted you to know that I was aware of it.
36:43Yeah.
36:45Mm-hmm.
36:47Fine.
36:49Just let me get this straight, Alan.
36:51When you say you've accepted my letter of resignation, what exactly do you mean?
36:58I say yes.
37:08You handed in your resignation?
37:11I thought it was best.
37:13You stupid little plonker.
37:17That's the bestest job you've ever had, or ever liked you to have,
37:20and you've chucked it away.
37:22Listen, I am in control of my own destiny.
37:24I am my own man.
37:26I make my own decisions in this world.
37:28Then why did you resign?
37:30Because he told me to.
37:32Me? I never said a word.
37:34Well, you told me about that bloke on the boat
37:36who put in his resignation to get out of the court-martial.
37:38Well, that was different, son.
37:40How?
37:42Well, he got away with it.
37:44I didn't think Alan would accept my resignation.
37:47But he did.
37:49Yeah, I know, he did.
37:51I thought I was too important to the firm.
37:53But you weren't.
37:55Yeah, I know, I bloody know now.
37:57All right, all right, calm down then, calm down.
38:00Give Alan a bell, see if I can get him to change his mind for you.
38:03It's too late.
38:05He's already found somebody to replace me.
38:07That was bloody quick, wasn't it?
38:09It was my assistant.
38:11Your assistant?
38:14That snotty-nosed herbert who's just left school?
38:17Yes.
38:19Elvis?
38:21Yes.
38:23He's doing what you were doing?
38:25Yes. Elvis, he ain't daft.
38:27Still, there's no worry about him winning blockbusters, though, is there?
38:31Oh, dear.
38:33He was the one that thought sugar diabetes was a Welsh flyway.
38:38Look, he's just filling the gap
38:40until Alan finds someone of my expertise to take over.
38:44It's just strange that they should replace you with a silly boy.
38:47Why don't you just stay out of this, Elvis?
38:49Oi, oi, oi, oi! Don't you talk to an old war hero like that.
38:52Well, he's getting on me bloody nerves going on and on.
38:54It's your own fault, Rodney, you've got no-one else to blame.
38:57You've got a lovely wife, a lovely flat,
38:59the bestest job in the whole world, and you blew it.
39:05Who was that bloke you was having lunch with today?
39:11That was just one of Raquel's artistic friends, wasn't it?
39:15What bloke's that, Dendel?
39:16You shut up! Stay out of this, Elvis!
39:18LAUGHTER
39:39OK?
39:40Yeah, fine.
39:42Read your letter about your play, did you?
39:44Yeah, I've read it.
39:48Look, sweetheart, if we've had a row, could you at least tell me about it?
39:52We haven't had a row, everything's fine.
39:54It's not fine, Raquel, it's not fine.
39:56Ever since you came back from that audition with Adrian and Jules and all them others,
39:59you've been different towards me.
40:01I mean, what is it? Aren't I as good as those actor cronies?
40:05Do I embarrass you or what?
40:06Don't be stupid, Dendel.
40:07I am not stupid, Raquel. I'm not being stupid.
40:09Cos I saw your face, you see.
40:11I saw your face when that Adrian asked me what I thought about Hamlet.
40:15And I said I preferred Costellas.
40:19I saw your face.
40:29So, when do you start rehearsals and that, then?
40:32The tour doesn't start for another three months.
40:35Oh, well, that's all right, then, innit, eh?
40:37Gives you plenty of time to meet some more of your intelligent, sensitive actor people, don't it?
40:42Derek, will you get it into your thick skull?
40:44I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people. I'm happy with you.
40:51So, what's the problem, then?
40:54Tour?
40:57Did you say this thing was a tour?
40:58That's right. It's a nine-week tour of the country.
41:01Oh, well, I didn't know that, did I?
41:03I mean, I didn't know that.
41:05I thought it was like, you know, a play that you put on local and...
41:09Oh, I see that now.
41:11Oh, that's it, is it? Right, eh?
41:15It's the lure of the big theatres.
41:17The applause, the applause, the show must go on and all that.
41:21We're not appearing in theatres.
41:24If you're not appearing in theatres, then where are you appearing?
41:27Schools.
41:28Schools?
41:29Yes, schools.
41:30It's a co-project between the Education and the Arts Councils.
41:33We're supposed to take Shakespeare to the inner cities.
41:35Imagine what it might have done for me.
41:37Yeah?
41:38Yeah.
41:39Could have ended up being a dinner lady.
41:44Don't become like all the others, Del.
41:47Putting down every little dream I have.
41:52I'm not trying to put your dreams down, sweetheart.
41:57You know, I never do that.
42:02It's just that...
42:05I don't want you to leave me.
42:09I'm frightened you might not come back.
42:13I'm not going anywhere, Del. I'm turning the offer down.
42:18You can't do that, sweetheart. You can't do that.
42:21No, this is, you know, this is a golden opportunity, this.
42:24Don't worry about me. I'm just, you know...
42:26I'm just being a bit selfish, that's all.
42:28I can't do that tour, Del.
42:32Why not?
42:34Why not?
42:36Because I've read the play again and again
42:38and at no point does Shakespeare mention that Rosalind...
42:41is pregnant.
42:44It's always poetic licence, isn't there?
42:59Did you say you was pregnant?
43:03I've done all the tests and everything. It's certain.
43:09Blimey.
43:12Are you angry?
43:17Angry?
43:18Are you angry?
43:35Hey, Alba, Alba, quick, come on.
43:37Get me the biggest bottle of champagne you can find.
43:39Come on, quick, quick, quick.
43:41Get out of bed, you ladies.
43:44Come here.
43:45Here, here, here.
43:46Hey!
43:47I'm angry.
43:48Angry?
43:49Me angry.
43:52How can I be angry? I'm going to be a daddy.
43:57I tell you what I'll do.
43:58I'll phone everybody up.
43:59I'll phone them all up.
44:00We're going to have a party.
44:01We're going to have a party.
44:02And we're going to have fireworks.
44:03The biggest fireworks.
44:04And we're going to celebrate.
44:05What's all the fuss about?
44:06What's happening?
44:07Calm down, calm down, you two.
44:08Just calm down.
44:09Listen to me.
44:10I'm going to answer one simple question, all right?
44:13How many people do you see standing there?
44:17One.
44:19No.
44:22I see two.
44:30Well, you know what this means, don't you, Albert?
44:33No.
44:35Either Raquel's pregnant...
44:37...or Del's pissed.