Frasier Season 2 Episode 4 Flour Child
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00:00It's not that I don't like him, Dr. Crane, it's just that he's gotten so attached.
00:07I mean, roses every day for a week after two dates.
00:12Maggie, first thing you have to do is sit Gavin down for a nice, long conversation.
00:21Frank, in honest discussion, tell him that though he wants to go at one speed, you need to go at another.
00:30Tell him you're not rejecting him, that you are fond of him, but if he doesn't give you some breathing room...
00:36You know, suddenly I wonder what Roz, my non-PhD-holding producer, thinks you should do.
00:44Well, I just think that any guy who's that clingy after two dates has a major insecurity problem.
00:51I say dump him now, head for the hills, and don't look back.
00:55It's so good to hear that, Roz.
00:59That's what I wanted to do, but I felt so guilty. Thanks so much. Bye.
01:09And that takes us to commercial.
01:12This, for those of you who may have forgotten, is the Dr. Fraser Crane Show.
01:19Now, here's your new parking pass.
01:22I confirmed your dinner reservations for three. At your father's request, you'll be dining at Shea Shrimp.
01:29Here are two letters that you've got to sign, a card for Clarence and the guard that we're all signing,
01:35and a notice about sign-ups for the KCL bowling team. I'll just file this right in the trash.
01:42Oh, wonderful. Another card.
01:45Of course, I, as resident wit here, will have to think of something clever to say.
01:49Well, at least I've got another gala KACL birthday bash to look forward to.
01:55I can just taste that frozen Sara Lee cake right now.
01:59Wild applause as a full-grown adult snuffs out a handful of tiny candles.
02:06What are you grousing about?
02:08Oh, nothing, nothing.
02:10Nothing.
02:18Yes, the pageantry never stops.
02:27Mr. Fancy Pants. He's got to buy a German car.
02:33It's not my fault we broke down.
02:35If you bought American, they wouldn't have to tow your car halfway across the state to get it fixed.
02:40That's why I always buy American. You break down, you just drive to the nearest garage.
02:46I could break down all alone in the middle of Alaska.
02:50Finally, a thought to raise all our spirits.
02:54This traffic is murder.
02:57I'd suggest we walk home, but I'm afraid what the humidity will do to these loafers.
03:01Does calfskin pucker?
03:04Yes. That's why on humid farms the calf is the most made fun of of all the animals.
03:15There's no point in being snide.
03:17We're all going to be in here for a while.
03:19We might as well try and make pleasant conversation.
03:22We are a family after all. It shouldn't be that hard.
03:25Sure you've been driving long?
03:34Not really.
03:37Thought you got some pretty good stories, though.
03:39You guys ever hear of a woman having a baby in a cab?
03:43Oh, that's a classic. We've all heard that one.
03:46Why, did that happen in this cab?
03:48No. I think it's about to.
03:50You're pregnant?
03:51Yes.
03:52Ow!
03:54Don't panic, miss. It may just be false labor.
03:57My water just broke. I'm sitting here in a puddle of water.
04:02Calfskin! Calfskin!
04:06I think the closest hospital is First Methodist.
04:09We'll never make it in this traffic. Miss, you'd better pull over.
04:12Please try to park facing downhill.
04:14Niles!
04:16I can't have my baby here.
04:18All right. Now listen, miss, there's no need for you to be concerned.
04:21You happen to be in the presence of two trained medical professionals.
04:24Niles, help the woman.
04:28Hurry!
04:29I know, I know, I know.
04:34The other door! The other door!
04:41Hello, is anybody there? Come in!
04:44All right, now, the most important thing you can do right now is breathe deeply.
04:48Just do as I do.
04:54Are you feeling faint or short of breath?
04:56Yes, both of those.
04:59Hello, go ahead.
05:01Yeah, I'm calling from cab number 804.
05:06This is an emergency.
05:08Your driver, Arlene, just went into labor.
05:12We're at the corner of 14th and Sycamore. We need an ambulance here right now. Do you hear me? Over.
05:18Yes, I'll get right on it.
05:20It really hurts.
05:21That's okay, it's natural.
05:22No, you're squeezing my hand.
05:25Don't get a hold of yourself, Niles.
05:27I'm sorry, I only did this once before in medical school,
05:30and all I remember is a bright light and lots of blood,
05:33and then a linoleum floor hurtling toward my forehead.
05:37You fainted?
05:38Oh, switch places with me, honey, and see how you do.
05:41Good God, Niles, that's it. That's not bad.
05:44I'll do this.
05:47Look, honey.
05:48Oh, the baby's really coming?
05:49All right, all right.
05:50I feel it.
05:51That's a good thing. When he does come, I'll be here to catch him.
05:54Now, listen, just continue with your breathing.
06:00Now, I don't want you feeling guilty for having your baby in a cab.
06:05No, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
06:07I'm sure many great Americans have been born this way.
06:10Cab Calloway comes to mind.
06:15You know, my particular area of medicine is dietary.
06:19I like to specialize in the head, you know,
06:21not the lower portion of the body.
06:23It's much less messy that way.
06:25Not that your lower portion is messy at all.
06:27It's quite beautiful, actually.
06:29Not that I'm looking.
06:31Is the pain that bad?
06:33No, you're driving me crazy.
06:36You're driving me crazy.
06:38Move it out, all right?
06:40All right.
06:42What are you, a doctor, too?
06:44No, I'm a retired cop.
06:46Well, what took you so long?
06:48Oh, it's really hurting.
06:50I know. Look, everything's going to be just fine, sweetheart.
06:53Now, I've delivered more than a few babies in my lifetime,
06:57and some of them are even older than you are now.
07:00Now, Frasier's going to hold your hand and help you with your breathing,
07:03and Naz is going to look out for an ambulance,
07:05and I'm going to get ready to bring your beautiful baby into this world, okay?
07:10Okay.
07:11Good. Now, are there any questions?
07:13Yes. Should our meter still be running?
07:15Whatever.
07:20Hello?
07:22Are you back yet?
07:34Oh.
07:39Well, go on. Turn your heads.
07:53Okay.
07:55So, I guess you've had some excitement tonight.
07:59No, I haven't.
08:04Well, your father sure made it sound exciting on the phone.
08:08Delivering a baby in a taxi.
08:11Oh, that.
08:13I don't think of that as excitement as much as my sworn duty
08:16to use those skills I honed in medical school.
08:19Yes, Niles ran down to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water.
08:26What I can't get over is that feeling of being there right when a person's life begins.
08:32One minute, it's just this blob in some lady's stomach.
08:35Next minute, it's a person.
08:37Blob. Person.
08:42Miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.
08:48I'll bet you have some fond memories of when your son was born.
08:52Oh, yes, of course.
08:55I remember the very first time I held him in my arms as a newborn.
08:59It was as if everything else in the universe simply melted away.
09:04There was just a father, a son, and the distant sound of Lilith saying,
09:10If you ever come near me again, Fraser, I'll drop you with a deer rifle.
09:18At least nowadays fathers get to see their sons be born.
09:23In my day, they stuck us all in the waiting room,
09:26smoking cigarettes and reading Life magazine.
09:30I can still remember the exact article I was reading when Niles was born.
09:34It was about Mickey Mantle.
09:38Talk about life setting you up for a fall.
09:45Well, it's been a long night. I'm turning in.
09:48Night, Dad.
09:49I can't wait to see what kind of dreams I have after all this talk about childbearing.
09:55Probably that one where my mother shows up and says,
09:58Well, Daphne, you're 50 now and you've never given me grandchildren.
10:04So I say that was my choice to make.
10:07Mum, I was thinking of my career.
10:10Oh, sure, your career. But did you ever think of me?
10:14Mother, I don't want to start this again. Just drop it.
10:18Oh, will she drop it? Oh, shut up, Mother.
10:27I wonder how many more people she's got in there with her.
10:39Shirley, Niles?
10:40Uh, no, thank you.
10:42You seem awfully reflective. Is there something on your mind?
10:46Actually, yes.
10:48For the past several months, I've noticed my thoughts often drifting to the same subject.
10:54Will I ever be a father?
10:57There are pros and cons, of course.
10:59But watching that child's birth tonight, I realized it's something I really want.
11:05I think.
11:09Well, it's perfectly natural to have parental stirrings at your age.
11:13Oh, no, no. This is more than stirrings.
11:15I wake up nights thinking about it.
11:17Have you talked this over with Maris?
11:19Not yet.
11:21I like to know what I want before Maris tells me.
11:29I'm just not sure I'm really ready for fatherhood.
11:33Well, Niles, no one is ever really sure.
11:36You know, in schools these days, teenagers who are thinking about becoming parents
11:40are given a ten-pound sack of flour to keep with them for a week, as though it were a baby.
11:46You're kidding.
11:48No, no, no. They hold it. They care for it.
11:51Never let it out of their sight.
11:53Gives them a very good idea of the constant responsibility of being a parent.
11:57Hmm. That's very clever.
11:59What could be better than hands-on experience?
12:02Might be worth a try.
12:03Well, I wasn't actually suggesting it.
12:05Well, why not? This is the perfect week.
12:07Maris is away. I'm desperate to resolve the issue.
12:09Frasier, where do you keep the flour?
12:15In the kitchen.
12:16In the kitchen.
12:18The cabinet next to the sink.
12:21Yes, here it is.
12:24Extra-refined.
12:26He's taking after his old man already.
12:30So, Niles, that's the sugar.
12:32If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right.
12:34Now, here is the flour.
12:37Hmm. Bleached, 100% fat-free.
12:41Best when kept in an airtight container.
12:45Seems this one's taking after his mother.
13:02Oh, hello, Niles.
13:03Hello, Frasier. May I join you?
13:05Or should I say, may we?
13:09May we?
13:12So you're still continuing with our little baby experiment?
13:15Yes, and it's turned out to be quite a learning experience.
13:20Not easy, though.
13:22I take him everywhere.
13:24Get up for 2 a.m. feedings, the whole exhausting nine yards.
13:29What a beautiful baby.
13:31How old is he?
13:32Eight weeks.
13:34Oh, great age, isn't it?
13:44Niles?
13:45I can't help noticing that your child has a little boo-boo.
13:51Oh, it's nothing.
13:52I was playing him some Brahms the other day.
13:55Never too early to ingrain them.
13:58I guess I must have begun conducting with one of the gilded chopsticks Maris wears in her bun,
14:04and I accidentally ran him through.
14:08What young parent doesn't tell that story?
14:16The scuffs were just plain carelessness.
14:19It was the fault of my new houseman, Guy.
14:22What did Guy do?
14:23No, no, it's Guy.
14:25Guy.
14:26Guy.
14:27With the back of the throat.
14:28Guy.
14:29Oh, who cares what he do?
14:33Well, he had just given my car the most brilliant shine when I set the baby on the roof,
14:38and down it went, down the windshield and onto the driveway.
14:43Won't you watch him for me while I order?
14:50Hey, Brage, is the seat taken?
14:53Well, actually...
14:55No.
15:01Well, you'll be happy to know that Clarence is doing a lot better.
15:05I just dropped his card off.
15:06Clarence?
15:07Yeah, Clarence, the guard.
15:09Oh, down at the station, Clarence.
15:11Oh, yes, well, that's good.
15:13I didn't know he was sick.
15:14You signed his get-well card.
15:18And that wasn't a birthday card?
15:21No, he's in the hospital having a kidney transplant.
15:26Oh, my God.
15:28I thought it was his birthday.
15:30I wrote, Dear Clarence, you're not getting older, you're just getting a little closer to death.
15:40How could you think it was his birthday?
15:42Well, I don't know, I guess I just didn't recognize the traditional card
15:46for a man in an advanced stage of kidney failure, a giant pink bunny rabbit.
15:52Do you think he's read it yet?
15:54No, I don't think so. He was sleeping when I left.
15:56God, I'm going to look like a callous fool.
15:58We've got to get back down there and get that card back.
16:01How can you believe it?
16:03I asked you to babysit.
16:05Oh, my.
16:06I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity.
16:10I have to go steal a get-well card from a kidney patient.
16:17What does that say?
16:19Geb?
16:21No, no, it's get.
16:23Get well soon. Love, Andrea.
16:25All right, just copy it down.
16:27Move on to the next name.
16:30I have to transfer all the old names from this card on to the new card
16:34as quickly as possible. I want to get it back there tonight.
16:37So you actually snuck into a man's hospital room and stole his card?
16:42I did not sneak in.
16:44Luckily, the man was in extreme pain and heavily sedated.
16:49This never would have happened if you'd taken the time to find out
16:51who this Clarence guy was.
16:53You never pay any attention to the little people in your life.
16:56Yes, well, as soon as we're done with this,
16:58why don't we invite all the commoners over
17:00to drag me down to the town square and give me a good stoning?
17:06Must be Niles. He's going to take me down to the hospital.
17:10Hello, Niles. Hello, Trevor.
17:28What are you doing with that thing?
17:30I'm forging a parent-child bond that will last forever.
17:34Oh, that's a relief. I was afraid it might be something stupid.
17:38If it makes you feel any better, I don't wear this in public.
17:41I just wanted to get the complete picture of parenthood.
17:44And it's driving me batty.
17:54The feedings every two hours.
17:57Constant monitoring where he is.
17:59I can see how parents can be obsessed with what they're doing.
18:03Constant monitoring where he is.
18:05I can see how parents can be obsessed with worry.
18:08Last night, I actually had a dream.
18:10My flower sack was abducted
18:12and the kidnapper started sending me muffins in the mail.
18:25Well, on the plus side, I've learned a lot.
18:29I think if I ever am to go through the real thing,
18:32I'll make quite a wonderful parent.
18:39Niles, what has happened to your child?
18:44I was practicing my Tai Chi exercises this morning
18:47and I accidentally kicked him into the reflecting pool.
18:54That's when I brought him inside and left him by the hearth to dry.
18:58He caught on fire?
19:03It was not as careless as you make it seem.
19:05After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames.
19:19Time for his nap.
19:28Turn him over if he starts fussing, will you, Dad?
19:30No.
19:34I'm role-playing, Dad.
19:36Try playing the role of a sane person.
19:48So, Niles, any closer to making a decision about fatherhood?
19:53To tell you the truth, no.
19:55At one minute, I think there's no chance in hell I'll ever be able to stand the stress.
20:00The next, I find myself daydreaming about taking my son on his first trip to the museum
20:05or listening to him pick out his first feeble fur leaves on the piano
20:09and I swear there are tears in my eyes.
20:21Oh, dear.
20:23Eddie.
20:24That dingo's got your baby.
20:29Oh, God!
20:31Eddie! Dad!
20:33Oh, don't worry, I'll clean up that mess, Dr. Crane.
20:38Oh, my God.
20:39For God's sake, Niles, calm down.
20:42Look, I think it's time you realised something.
20:45That is not a person, it's a bag of flour.
20:49There's an easy trick to tell the difference.
20:52People don't usually come with popover recipes on their backs.
20:57This whole thing's stupid.
20:59We're talking about having a baby here.
21:02You don't make that decision intellectually, you make it in here, in your gut.
21:07You must have a gut feeling, Niles, what is it?
21:11I'm not sure.
21:12Well, you better be, because no amount of thinking can prepare you for what having a kid is really like.
21:18It's hard.
21:19Full of surprises.
21:21Like maybe your kid won't want to take piano lessons or go to the museum.
21:26He might want to go to a baseball game.
21:28Don't even say that.
21:32Just trust yourself, son.
21:35That's all.
21:36You'll know if it's right or not.
21:41Well, Niles, I'm finished with this now, if you're ready to take me to the hospital.
21:46You know, Frasier, I'm beginning to wonder if this whole experiment wasn't just a way of convincing myself I'm ready for something when I know in my heart I'm not.
21:57What do you mean?
22:00I want to have a baby.
22:03But I just don't want it enough.
22:11That's the hardest thing I've ever had to admit.
22:14Why do you say that?
22:16Oh, because it's so selfish.
22:20I'm the right age, I have the money, the energy.
22:24Niles, it's only selfish when people have babies for the wrong reasons.
22:29I think more people should do what you did and find out if they're really ready.
22:34Look, anyway, you know, just because you feel this way now doesn't mean that things can't change a few years down the line.
22:42Perhaps you're right.
22:45Of course, Maris and I will be over 40 then.
22:49Maybe it wouldn't hurt to look into getting some of her eggs frozen.
22:55No, I suspect they're only a few degrees away from that now.
23:05Certainly going to a lot of trouble for this Clarence fellow. Who is he?
23:09Beats me, some guy down at the station.
23:14Dr. Crane.
23:40Dr. Crane, it's Clarence.
23:44You weren't in there looking for me, were you?
23:47As a matter of fact, I was, yes.
23:49But they changed my room.
23:51Oh, this is so sweet of you.
23:54Well, you know, Clarence is such a fixture down at the station. It just hasn't felt the same there without him.
24:00You find the time to come down here while the rest of those bums at the station don't even send me a card.
24:10Actually, Clarence, there's an explanation for that.
24:17Make the music stop!
24:28You see, the others at the station, they just don't know you the way I do.
24:32Yes.
24:34Well, listen, you get yourself well and get right back there, okay?
24:37I miss seeing you every time I walk by the...
24:43...place you tend to be.
24:47Niles! Niles!
24:53Niles, what are you doing?
24:56Looking at these babies. I can't help wondering if I made the right decision.
25:02Well, look at them.
25:04Frazier, they're healthy, beautiful, lovable...
25:08Flammable.
25:13How can I deny myself this experience? Maybe I'm more ready for parenthood than I thought.
25:18Hey, what are you guys doing here?
25:21Oh, how mean. I'm probably running into you, and this must be...
25:25Yes, little Nathan.
25:27Oh, Nathan.
25:28Oh, look.
25:30Oh, I'm so glad I ran into you.
25:32We both want to thank you guys again.
25:36So, would one of you like to hold him?
25:41Yes, I would.
25:52Yes.
25:54Yes, why shouldn't you cry?
25:57Everything's so new to you.
26:00So much night to live.
26:03No, you've got his leg there.
26:06Oh, oh God.
26:11Well, see you guys. Say hi to your dad for me.
26:17Perhaps I made the right decision.
26:19Oh, I'd say so, yes.
26:21You ready to go?
26:27Yes.
26:58Thanks, son.
27:04Good night!