Frasier Season 10 Episode 5 Tales From The Crypt
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00:00Hey, hey, hey!
00:02Raj, you just missed the classic prank of all time.
00:06I'll admit it, this was my masterpiece.
00:08Oh, who, who, who'd you get?
00:10Okay.
00:11Way to go, Bulldog.
00:13There he is!
00:18I got this friend down at the impound lot who came across a smashed-up BMW.
00:24Same make and model as Frazier's.
00:26You didn't! You got Frazier!
00:28I had his car towed from the garage, the wreck put in its place.
00:35The doc totally freaked when he saw it.
00:37At first he started swearing and then he implored to heavens.
00:41And just when his lips started trembling, Bulldog comes out, tells him it's all a prank.
00:45Hey, Bulldog observes the mercy rule.
00:50Besides, I got the whole thing on tape.
00:58Admit it, doc. I got you good.
01:02Come on, say it.
01:05Bulldog's the best.
01:08Okay, okay, how about the bitch dance I taught you?
01:14Well, at least give me one up high.
01:16Come on, up, come on, don't leave me hanging, doc.
01:20Where's your Halloween spirit?
01:24Don't worry, it'll be here waiting for you.
01:29For the record, I knew immediately it was not my car.
01:35Mine has a bumper sticker on it that says, I am pro-opera and I vote.
01:41Frazier, you gotta admit, it was clever.
01:45I admit nothing. That is the last we shall discuss of it. We have a show to do.
01:50Good afternoon, Seattle.
01:52And welcome to the Halloween edition of the Dr. Frazier Crane Show.
01:56Today we will be discussing the topic of fears.
02:02Are they irrational hindrances or evolutionary tools?
02:09The surprising answer, after these words.
02:15My car! Oh, not my car!
02:20What did they do to you, baby?
02:27Whenever you're ready.
02:44Did you find something?
02:45Do you think they'll take soy sauce packets?
02:49Who keeps ringing the doorbell?
02:52Shh! It's trick-or-treaters.
02:55It's okay, they're gone.
02:57Well, why didn't you let them in?
02:59Because someone forgot to get Halloween candy.
03:03Although someone else could have picked it up since she was already in the store.
03:07But that would override the duty list that someone insisted on implementing.
03:14If this is what you two call a fight, you're not fit to be married.
03:19I once held your father's head underwater and...
03:23Shh! Oh, for heaven's sake!
03:26We haven't got any candy! Shove off!
03:32Great, now they know we're here.
03:35That is precisely what's wrong with this country.
03:38Everyone's afraid to stand up to the children.
03:43Trick-or-treat!
03:45Trick-or-treat!
03:46Didn't you hear? We've got no candy.
03:49We can offer you hotel soaps.
03:53But it's Halloween. I just saw a puke in the candy.
03:58That costume's supposed to be scary.
04:01No, it's yours.
04:05Oh, a nice bite into an onion is what that mouth of yours deserves.
04:10You don't have treats, you're going to get a trick.
04:13Do your worst. I'm not afraid of you.
04:18Honestly.
04:22Okay, well, maybe I'll go get some candy after all.
04:44Okay, I'm going to need my slicker and my squash goggles.
04:56Good morning, Ros. May I join you?
04:59Sure, pleasure.
05:01I'm glad to see you're not sulking today.
05:03Yes, well, I had a little time to think about it and I've decided to put Bulldog's prank behind me.
05:10That's very mature.
05:11I'm not finished!
05:14By visiting upon him a prank that is ten times more dastardly. Look at this.
05:25It's like a car with a balloon tied to it.
05:27Precisely! I will tie a red balloon to the antenna of Bulldog's car every time his precious seahawks lose a game.
05:36Over time, the conditioned response will become ingrained in his psyche.
05:40Eventually, the mere sight of a red balloon will bring about in him an inexplicable sense of loss.
05:53Check and mate.
05:58Isn't that kind of out there?
06:01That's the point.
06:02Of course, I could resort to any of your basic pranks.
06:05Hand in warm water and what not. Believe me, I have an intimate knowledge of all of them.
06:10But what I'm looking for is something unmistakably me.
06:15A signature prank, if you will.
06:19Why don't you just forget about revenge and give him his two minutes and his sign.
06:23At my expense?
06:24Look at his life. You guys used to be equals.
06:28You guys used to be equals. Now he's stuck downstairs in that dark, musty archives room.
06:34You must have some sympathy for him, don't you?
06:37Dark, musty archives. I think I could use that.
06:43Hello, all.
06:44Hi.
06:45Oh, Niles.
06:46Why do we have to stop here? I could make coffee at home.
06:50Now, now. It's good to get out of the house, get some fresh air, exercise those lungs.
06:57My lungs are as strong as ever.
07:00Just yesterday I finished a whole cigarette and two drags.
07:08One off me record.
07:12What's this?
07:13I'm devising the ultimate prank to get my revenge on Bulldog.
07:17Ah, well, just beware the dangers of juvenile one-upsmanship.
07:21Only last night Mrs. Moon challenged a trick-or-treater and he responded by pelting our door with eggs.
07:29Yeah, but I've gotten the little monster back by putting a big, greasy glob of Vaseline on his doorknob.
07:38You said you'd put an end to it.
07:40Hence the Vaseline.
07:42Mum, he's a child.
07:45Well, it's time he learned you don't mess with Gertrude Moon without incurring my wrath.
07:53Now, excuse me. I require cocoa.
07:59You know, I think she has the right attitude.
08:02If I expect Bulldog to leave me alone, I've got to show him that he's dealing with a superior intellect.
08:07Show them the balloon car.
08:16I'm sure Da Vinci's early notes were full of laughs, too.
08:21Excuse me, I have devising to do.
08:26That'll be $32.03.
08:30For one drink?
08:32Your grandson ordered a bunch of cakes and he said it was all on you.
08:36Thanks for the treats, Grandma!
08:46Oh, let's see the little sod get to school without these.
08:51Oh, this should settle it.
09:09Is anybody there?
09:11Is anybody there?
09:14Oh, zombies!
09:17The living dead!
09:19Help! Help!
09:23Everyone hold, please.
09:29Zombie number two, what are you doing?
09:32I'm scaring Bulldog.
09:35I see.
09:37Is that what zombies do? They scare people?
09:41Wrong!
09:44They eat brains. And that's what scares people!
09:50I know this is a dress rehearsal. Let's please try to get this right.
09:53Bulldog comes in. He hears noises. Zombies go after his brain.
10:01And his terror is caught on videotape for us all to enjoy at a later date.
10:06Now, let's try this again. First marks, please.
10:09Oh, jeez, Fred, this is the fourth time through. Can somebody else play Bulldog now?
10:14Dad, you said you would help me with this.
10:15Well, that's because you said we were going to do a practical joke. I thought it would be fun.
10:19Whatever gave you that idea?
10:23Todd, I am getting dead from you.
10:29But I'm not getting undead.
10:32Still.
10:36Let's try this, then.
10:38After rehearsal, I want each of you to write a paragraph
10:44detailing who your character was when he or she was alive,
10:51how they died, and why they are now after Bulldog's brain.
10:56Honestly, Roz, you know, you haven't given me much to work with here.
10:58These are the worst actors I've ever seen.
11:01Well, I'm sorry, but the Royal Zombie Company just left town
11:04with its all-zombie production of Hamlet.
11:11How many more times are we going to do this?
11:13Why is it that whenever Bulldog pulls a practical joke,
11:17you all applaud him as if he's won some sort of bowl or cup or other sport?
11:22But when I ask you to give up a single Sunday, all I get is complaints.
11:25Well, because you keep turning it into work.
11:27This is supposed to be fun, like a day at the beach.
11:31Oh, you do this kind of thing all the time.
11:33Like when?
11:34Like the last time I went to the beach.
11:38A lot of people bring rakes.
11:44Look, Frasier, it's not too late to back out of this.
11:48Look, Frasier, it's not too late to back out of this.
11:51Face it, jokes just aren't your specialty.
11:54What is that supposed to mean?
11:55Well, what she means, son, is that we all have our different blessings.
11:59Bulldog's good at jokes and fun.
12:02You're good at reading and telling people about the things you read.
12:11Are you saying that you think I can't pull this off?
12:13Oh, I wouldn't put it that way.
12:15Oh, I wouldn't put it that way.
12:17I would.
12:19But I worked this out to the last detail.
12:21Nothing can go wrong.
12:23Everything's going to go wrong.
12:25For one thing, Bulldog's going to know something's up
12:27because Kenny hardly ever makes him work at night.
12:30And then look at all these cameras and all these wires.
12:32What if he spots these?
12:34And the zombies.
12:35As soon as he sees them, he's going to know it's a prank
12:37because he just pranked you.
12:39And there are no such things as zombies!
12:46You, sir, are released!
12:53And you as well!
12:57I'll pull this thing off by myself,
12:58proving that you don't know what you're talking about!
13:01I don't need any of you!
13:03Wait, zombies, I do need you!
13:06But no one else!
13:08I don't need any of you!
13:10Wait, zombies, I do need you!
13:13But no one else!
13:16Also, all of you, you mark my words.
13:19Tomorrow night I get my revenge!
13:26Oh, good.
13:27The effects machine's working again.
13:29All right, everyone.
13:31Back to your first marks.
13:39Where have you been?
13:41I'm sorry, I had a hard time finding this place.
13:44I checked the directory for Crane,
13:46but it had Old Bat next to this apartment.
13:52A little obvious, but not bad.
13:56I want you to deliver this baby-I-have-to-tinkle doll
14:03to Jason White, Floyd Middle School.
14:08This is the address.
14:10I mean, he should be in gym class about now.
14:15I don't think I'm allowed to just walk into his school, ma'am.
14:18No, it's okay. I'm his grandmother.
14:22And you have to say this.
14:24Your mommy said bring this to you at school to lift your spirits.
14:29See, your dolly has accidents, too.
14:34You really want me to say that?
14:36Yes, and very loudly.
14:38The poor thing's hard of hearing.
14:44Yes!
14:45Yes!
14:53Todd, take off that baseball cap.
14:59You're undead, not uncouth.
15:04All right, everyone. Step lively.
15:07Look sharp.
15:09It's almost showtime.
15:11Give me a final room tone check, please, and take your marks.
15:15Hey, Fridge.
15:19Oh, hello.
15:21Come to watch me fail, I suppose.
15:24No, we just wanted to come join you.
15:26Yeah, we're sorry about that stuff we said yesterday.
15:29Yeah, we came to see you have your day.
15:31It's long overdue.
15:33Maybe I don't want you here.
15:37What do you mean?
15:38You abandoned me my hour of need.
15:40Now you're here to revel in my success, just like in Boswell's Life of Johnson.
15:46What?
15:47It was something I read.
15:54I guess we deserve that, whatever the hell it means.
16:00Come on, Frasier, we're sorry.
16:02Just let us watch.
16:04All right. Apology accepted.
16:08You may observe in silence.
16:11Make yourselves comfortable and prepare to witness a man brought to the very edge of madness.
16:24I think he's already there.
16:32Ma'am, we're off to the symphony.
16:34Haven't the Germans punished us enough?
16:39What the hell?
16:42Where did this come from?
16:45Oh, you must have crossed someone.
16:51Mother.
16:53Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
16:55We were just coming down the hall and we saw you open your door.
16:58This is our trash can.
17:00What was he doing there?
17:01Jason, get back here!
17:03It seems our children have been feuding.
17:06We're very embarrassed.
17:08You're embarrassed? Meet our daughter.
17:16Hello.
17:19I have a lot of homework. Stay.
17:22Jason, have you been fighting with this woman?
17:25Well, she broke my bike and made me have to see a counselor at school.
17:31I think I left something in the kitchen.
17:34Stay.
17:35I am an idol. I can do anything I want.
17:39No. While you're living under our roof, you'll follow our rules.
17:46You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
17:49What if someone got hurt?
17:51Good.
17:52Jason, you are one second away from losing your broadband connection.
17:58Now, apologize and shake hands.
18:04Pish.
18:06What if I told you you couldn't smoke your pipes in your room anymore?
18:12I'm sorry. I'm...
18:15Now, you two are going to clean up this mess,
18:18and Jason comes straight home when you're finished.
18:21And this place better be spotless by the time we get back.
18:28I wish I was all grown up and I wouldn't have to follow their stupid rules.
18:34Oh, nothing changes. Trust me.
18:41You know, my mom hates bugs. She screams like a girl.
18:48So does my son-in-law.
18:52I know where we can find some crickets.
18:55No.
18:57Now, we should do as we're told and start cleaning up.
19:01Okay.
19:04That way they won't be expecting it.
19:15This is so great. I can't wait.
19:18I'm getting goosebumps. Feel me. Feel me.
19:22Kenny, what was the condition of my letting you watch?
19:31There he is.
19:33Cue creaking noise one.
19:44Hello?
19:46Who's there?
19:48Cue creaking noise two.
19:51Cue creaking noise two.
20:01Now, let the horror begin.
20:10Yes! How do you like that, you big baby?
20:19Get back!
20:22Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
20:24Call 911! Call 911!
20:33Don't worry about it, Kenny. It's just a joke.
20:36What are you talking about?
20:37It's a fake gun.
20:39What?
20:40It's a fake gun.
20:42What about the bullets?
20:46It's a joke.
20:48It's a joke.
20:49Bulldog found out about Frazier's pranks and we set him up.
20:54That is awesome.
20:56I can't believe he fell for it.
20:59Come on, we gotta go tell Frazier what's going on.
21:01You guys go ahead. I think I'm gonna stay here and puke.
21:08Oh, no! Stop! Stop! It was all a joke!
21:12Oh, my God! What have I done?
21:16What's the big deal? He was already a zombie.
21:20Are you insane? Call an ambulance!
21:33What's going on here?
21:35Wave to the camera, Frazier.
21:38What?
21:39Got you again. All on tape.
21:42Who's the king?
21:45That isn't funny. I could have had a heart attack.
21:48Oh, sorry, Frank. I just couldn't resist.
21:51Well, at least nobody was hurt.
21:54You bastard me, Bulldog, again.
21:57Dr. Crane, I think I hurt my back.
22:00What?
22:02Oh, my God!
22:04Someone call an ambulance!
22:06Oh, my God!
22:07Run! Run!
22:09That's the first aid kit out of the closet!
22:12No! No! Not the...
22:18What the hell's going on down here?
22:20Quiet! Quiet, everybody!
22:22Hello?
22:23Yes, I'd like to report
22:25the greatest practical joke ever!
22:29You better send a firetruck because you guys just got burned!
22:33Ah!
22:41Wait, what?
22:43Hi, Rob.
22:44Ah!
22:48Did you see the look on your faces?
22:52This is truly a classic.
22:54This was all just a joke?
22:56Yeah.
22:57Awesome!
23:03Nice work, Doc.
23:05Likewise, Bulldog.
23:08Can I get a copy of this for my demo reel?
23:10Sure thing, Todd.
23:12You've come a long way in a short time, young man.
23:17Well, Frazier, I'm speechless.
23:19You totally had us going.
23:21I can't believe it!
23:23Admit it, Roz, can I pull off a practical joke or what?
23:26I just don't understand. Did you guys work together?
23:29Nope. Frazier set the whole thing up.
23:31The other day, after you two left, I got to thinking
23:33maybe my joke was aimed at the wrong target.
23:38That's when Bulldog and I joined forces!
23:40But we joined forces with him to get you!
23:43That's exactly what you were supposed to think!
23:47Oh, Frazier, I gotta give it to you.
23:49This was brilliant!
23:51Thank you, Dad.
23:52What do you say we all go upstairs and watch the tape?
23:54Yeah!
23:56Oh, you guys go ahead.
23:58Bulldog?
23:59Yeah, technically.
24:01I still owe you one.
24:03Face it, Doc, you will never win.
24:06Good work, Noel.
24:14That's why you had to join forces with me.
24:21You're right.
24:23All right.
24:29THE END
24:59With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:05They're calling again
25:09Scrambled eggs all over my face
25:12What is a boy to do?
25:17Good night, Seattle! We love you!