Frasier Season 10 Episode 11 Door Jam
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00:00All right, all right, I'll talk! Just make the pain stop!
00:05Oh, shut up! I'm just trying to get the blood flowing.
00:09Oh, more like making a hemorrhage!
00:11Don't tempt me!
00:12Oh, God, you broke something!
00:15Oh, too bad it wasn't your bloody pie hole!
00:18There, we're done, you big baby!
00:22What, already?
00:24Oh, that felt great!
00:28Oh, I feel like a new man!
00:31I love your new table!
00:33Oh, you're sweet. Can I make you a sandwich?
00:35Oh, that'd be great, yeah.
00:37Oh, by the way, Daff, you know, they're showing the first ever episode of Rockford today.
00:42If you're really serious about becoming an American citizen, maybe you ought to watch it.
00:49Well, now you've opened it, that's male femme nonsense!
00:53What's going on?
00:54Nothing. Just another piece of Cam Winston's mail has found its way into our box.
00:58It's been happening a lot since we switched mailboxes, even after I gave the postman a stern lecture.
01:03Especially after.
01:08Anyway, it was an honest mistake. Cam and I are on all the same mailing lists. I'm sure mine is in his box.
01:14Besides, it's nothing personal. Look, it's just an announcement for some place called La Porte d'Argent.
01:20Probably just another frou-frou restaurant or frou-frou clothing store.
01:25No, no, no, this is not frou-frou, Dad, as evidenced by the manly scent of balsam.
01:31They obviously deal with a very upscale clientele.
01:37La Porte d'Argent. Someone at the racket club was talking about this. It's very, very exclusive.
01:44Yes!
01:45That's all I know.
01:48Some ill-mannered person started up his blow-dryer before I could hear anymore.
01:54Hello!
01:55Oh, Daphne, Daphne, did I get one of these in the mail today?
01:58No, I don't think so.
02:00Poor Niles.
02:03What's this about?
02:04Oh, they're all worked up over some smelly invitation Frasier stole to some place they never heard of.
02:10Oh.
02:12Yes, but that's what's so intriguing, Dad, that there exists an exclusive place in Seattle that neither of us knows about.
02:19Could be an art gallery or a new haberdashery.
02:24Or an Italian shoelace boutique.
02:28What's happening?
02:29It's a machine.
02:31It's asking me to enter my six-digit access code. What'll I do?
02:36Why don't you just punch in whatever keys spell out snobby?
02:45You know, it might be worth a try.
02:52No!
02:53Denied!
02:54No!
02:56The allure of the portage hall has increased tenfold.
03:00All right, here's our plan.
03:01We go to the university computer lab, bribe some hungry hacker,
03:06and once we've tapped into their mainframe, la portage hall will offer up her sweet secret like a blushing bride on her wedding night.
03:16Why don't you just go down there and ask them what they do?
03:24All right, Dad, that's a plan B.
03:29All right.
03:48Hello.
03:50Is this la portage hall?
03:52Yes, it is.
03:53Ah, good.
03:54Say, someone was asking me earlier today about la portage hall,
03:59and I had a difficult time characterizing it.
04:05What would you tell him?
04:07We try to discourage word of mouth.
04:10That's exactly what I said.
04:14So, oh, well, I'm here to take advantage of your offer.
04:17Sure. Can I have your name, please?
04:19Yes, Fraser Crane.
04:24I'm not finding you.
04:26Try Dr. Fraser Crane.
04:30Perhaps you've heard my popular radio show.
04:34I'm not really a radio person.
04:40I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, you're not on the list. I can't let you in.
04:45But I have an invitation.
04:46Yes, but you're not on the list.
04:48Yes, but I do have an invitation.
04:49But you aren't on the list.
04:52Yes, well, if I were on the list, then I wouldn't need an invitation, would I?
04:55I would just say that I'm on the list.
04:57Therefore, the invitation supersedes the list.
04:59No, invitations are given out only to those on the list.
05:03Ah-ha.
05:04But you do concede that I have a valid invitation?
05:08Yes.
05:09Then it naturally follows that I would be on the list.
05:11But you're not.
05:14How did I get the invitation?
05:16I really don't know. You could have stolen it.
05:21Are you accusing me of deception?
05:23Cam! Cam Winston!
05:25There you are.
05:29Hello, treasure.
05:33You know, while I was waiting for you, I decided to test the mettle of this young man.
05:37I am pleased to report that he follows the rules of La Porte d'Argent to the letter.
05:46Anyway, I am a guest of Mr. Cam Winston's here.
05:50He told me to meet him here, gave me the invitation, and here I am.
05:54I'm Cam Winston, and he's my guest, and I asked him to meet me here.
06:02Here you are, Mr. Winston.
06:04Welcome to La Porte d'Argent.
06:08I hope you both enjoy your stay.
06:09Take a moment to look over our services, and I'll be back in just a moment.
06:14Oh!
06:19Iles!
06:20It's a day spa!
06:23Good gravy! This is fantastic!
06:29Just stop talking like that.
06:31It's the worst impersonation of Cam Winston I've ever heard.
06:34You've heard another one?
06:35Of course not.
06:37Then it's the best.
06:40Now you stop talking like that all day.
06:44Here are your keys, gentlemen. Your estheticians will be with you shortly.
06:50Oh, good. I've been waiting for that all morning.
06:59Oh, Iles.
07:01The Ayurvedic massage sounds splendid.
07:04Two therapists at once, using hot stones and a blend of essential oils personally created for your dosha.
07:18I think I'll have the aromatherapy Swedish.
07:20Oh, Iles!
07:21Look at this bounty!
07:24Take a risk! Be a man!
07:29The Chardonnay Rosehip Salt Glow?
07:32That's more like it.
07:38Oh, hello.
07:39Lovely.
07:40Right this way.
07:42Frasier!
07:43River rocks and a stalk of wheat.
07:46Mm-hmm.
07:58I knew it was going to be good, but I had no idea it would be this good.
08:03I feel like I've been rubbed by angels.
08:06Niles, I just wish you had tried the Vassa Thompson Aquatherapy Treatment.
08:12I feel as if I've had a rebirthing experience.
08:15I've never felt better in my life.
08:18I'm so polished, my entire body is squeaking.
08:24Ah, hello.
08:25How was everything?
08:27Oh, heaven, Nirvana.
08:29I'm so glad. Now, this is a breakdown of your services.
08:38Nirvana ain't cheap.
08:40I know.
08:43Well, it's worth it, I suppose.
08:45What do you say we make this a standing appointment, Niles?
08:48Well, I think we owe it to ourselves.
08:50I'd be happy to set that up.
08:52Now, I've also put together a personal La Porte d'Argent product system
08:57for each of you based on the recommendations of your estheticians.
09:03Oh, Niles, this smells great. Try that.
09:07The mid-afternoon anti-stress spritz.
09:15I've never even heard of eyelash conditioner.
09:21Hence the brittle lashes.
09:26Hey.
09:29Isn't that Senator Ogden?
09:31It is.
09:33Oh, Niles, this just gets better and better.
09:36Balanced skin and social advancement all in one setting.
09:39I'm going to go say hello.
09:45I'm sorry. That area is restricted to our gold level members.
09:54You have a gold level? How do you get in?
09:56You'd have to be on the list.
09:58We are on the list.
10:00The gold list.
10:02This is absurd.
10:04I'm a member of every exclusive club in this entire town.
10:07You must have a reciprocal membership with one of them.
10:10I'm sorry, but you're more than welcome to enjoy the many amenities of the silver level.
10:19And just how are we supposed to enjoy this?
10:29And this isn't working.
10:40You never told me Rockford was maverick.
10:43Well, technically he's not maverick in this. He's Rockford.
10:47Even though we all know he's secretly maverick.
10:51I can see why you like this show.
10:53Yeah, what's not to like? Solving crimes, pretty girls, car chases.
11:00Leisure suits.
11:02Yeah.
11:07Rockford's dad reminds me of you.
11:11What are you talking about?
11:13Rockford's dad. You're just like him. Cranky but lovable.
11:17The hell I am. I'm like Rockford.
11:21How'd you get that?
11:23Well, come on. He solves crimes, I solve crimes.
11:27We're both in tune with the beat of the street.
11:30He's the kind of guy that men want to be and women want to be with.
11:34When the show first came out, everybody used to say I was like Rockford.
11:42I'm sorry, I don't see it. You still remind me of his dad.
11:47Rocky? But he's old.
11:54Oh, I see.
11:57I didn't mean that. I just meant there's something about him that reminds me of you.
12:03His oldness?
12:05Oh, stop it. If you want to be Rockford, you can be Rockford. I don't care.
12:10Fine, then let's just watch.
12:18I don't want to watch this anymore.
12:22Congratulations, you've ruined Rockford for me.
12:28I had a nagging feeling the whole time they were holding something back on purpose.
12:34Blended for your dosha, indeed.
12:38They wouldn't know my dosha if they fell over it.
12:43So what kind of a hoity-toity place did it end up being?
12:47It was a hellhole.
12:50You'd have to call it a day spa.
12:53And it's nothing more than a mere front for a bonafide luxury spa
12:57which taunts those kept at bay outside its golden door.
13:01If you didn't go in, how do you know it's better?
13:04It had to be. The door was gold. Ours was only silver.
13:08Gold is better than silver.
13:12Stupid silver.
13:17Well, you'll always be in my exclusive club, honey.
13:21Oh, thanks. And that's all I need.
13:25There must be somebody who can get us in.
13:29Let's go comb our rolodexes.
13:31Yes.
13:32It has to be a way out of the slum they call the silver room.
13:37Why do I keep squeaking?
13:43Hey, Frasier. Wait till you see this.
13:47It's so cool.
13:49Really?
13:51Well, I can use something to balm my wounds.
13:54Painful as it is,
13:56I've come to accept that I shall never pass through that spa's gold door.
14:01Anyway, I was filing your new headshot,
14:05and I started looking through your old ones, going back to when you first started.
14:13Ooh.
14:15What am I looking at?
14:17Oh, it's like an animation of your hairline receding.
14:21Isn't that great?
14:25Okay, wait. Now, here's the good part.
14:28It's growing back.
14:31Receding.
14:32Yes, yes.
14:33Growing back.
14:34Yes, yes. All right, Ross. That's enough. All right.
14:36Don't be so sad.
14:38Hi.
14:39Oh, Niles. No good news, I suppose.
14:42I've had no luck getting us into the gold level.
14:45Are you guys really this bent out of shape about that gold spa?
14:49Yes.
14:50Why can't you be happy with the silver one?
14:53Gold is better.
14:54Bull.
14:55The only reason why you want to go there is because you can't.
14:59We saw a senator going in.
15:02A senator.
15:04We saw a senator going in.
15:06A senator.
15:08We elected him. He works for us.
15:11How is it fair that our employee is admitted while we are shunted off to the icy depths of silver level?
15:22It's a spa.
15:25How much better could it be?
15:27What, are they going to carry you around like a sultan?
15:30Are you going to be massaged by supermodels?
15:33And then, what if you do get through the gold door?
15:36What next? The diamond door?
15:38And after that, a titanium door?
15:41And after that, a plutonium door?
15:43That's ridiculous.
15:45Plutonium is radioactive. No one is going to make a door out of it.
15:53Oh, Ross does make a point, Niles.
15:56What kind of crazy fantasy are we chasing?
16:03See? I'm right.
16:06Oh, I'm sorry.
16:08I'm just imagining supermodels with that crook Senator Ogden.
16:12It was Senator Ogden?
16:15I know him.
16:17You do?
16:19Yeah.
16:21He really owes me one, too.
16:23Want me to give him a call?
16:25Would you? Absolutely.
16:27How do you know Senator Ogden?
16:29Well, I knew him a few years ago when his marriage was on the rocks.
16:34We kept it very hush-hush.
16:37Thank God I knew CPR.
16:45Rockford's on.
16:48Not interested.
16:50Oh, come on. It looks like a good one.
16:52Tom Selleck's in it.
16:54Oh, those are good.
16:57Not that I care.
17:00You know, I caught a few episodes at home,
17:03and I see the resemblance between you and a young Jim Rockford.
17:11No, you don't.
17:14Yes, I do.
17:16No one gives him credit when he has a good idea.
17:20He likes to drive a little too fast.
17:22He's got my chin.
17:26And he knows how to work the system, and the babes love him.
17:29Yes, they do.
17:33So what do you say?
17:36Oh, okay. Why not?
17:43Ah, this is good.
17:46Sorry I got so worked up.
17:48Oh, you can't help it.
17:50You've got principals like Rockford.
17:54Okay, let's not weigh it on too thick.
17:59Oh, look at that. Malibu, California.
18:03FYI, those mountains you see in the background
18:06are the same ones you see at the beginning of MASH.
18:09Oh, I love MASH.
18:12Whenever I watch it, I think of you
18:15serving in Korea all those years ago,
18:18just like Colonel Potter.
18:24I said go home.
18:27Why?
18:29Colonel Potter was old when he did Dragnet.
18:34Colonel Potter, that funny young doctor
18:37who used to mix martinis in his tent.
18:41Oh, you're thinking of Hawkeye.
18:43Yes, that's who I meant.
18:50Okay.
18:55Okay.
19:08I've taken you to the Relaxation Grotto.
19:12We'll just let the wrap and your orange honey butter mask soothe you
19:16while you listen to the healing sounds
19:19of the Javanese rainforest, okay?
19:22Okay.
19:42Frasier? Frasier, is that you?
19:44Miles.
19:45Hi.
19:46I just had a color therapy treatment.
19:48My eyes haven't readjusted yet.
19:51They sent me in here to relax.
19:54I'm letting my orange honey butter mask set.
20:02Fras was so wrong.
20:07Completely wrong.
20:12Oh.
20:14Yeah, my eyes are better.
20:17Oh, Miles.
20:20You should see this place.
20:23Be my eyes, Frasier.
20:31Well.
20:34It's just paradise.
20:37From the rare exotic orchids,
20:41the trompe l'oeil sky,
20:44the perfectly bubbled stream,
20:47to the...
20:51To the what?
20:56There's a platinum door.
21:02Platinum?
21:05Are you sure?
21:06Yes.
21:08Is it guarded?
21:09No.
21:10Just brazenly standing there.
21:13I can rip the cucumbers from my eyes and let's go.
21:16Right.
21:19Miles.
21:21What are we doing?
21:24This is exactly what Ros said.
21:26No, no.
21:27Ros said diamond door.
21:29Miles, this is heaven.
21:32Right here and now.
21:34Why do we have to think about someplace else?
21:36This is only heaven for the people who can't get into the real heaven.
21:40Platinum heavens.
21:43Miles, why can't we be happy?
21:46Why must we allow the thought of something
21:49that at this point can only be incrementally better
21:51ruin what is here and now?
21:53I don't know.
21:55Let's figure it out on the other side.
22:02No.
22:03I am through chasing the eternal carrot.
22:06Whatever is behind that door shall remain behind that door unseen.
22:10Stay if you want.
22:12I have to know.
22:19Oh, for God's sake.
22:20You can't even walk, you nanny.
22:22All right, all right.
22:23I will go just to take a peek.
22:26I'm sorry, sir.
22:28You're not allowed through there.
22:30Please remain in the relaxation grotto.
22:37Please remain in the relaxation grotto.
22:49Have crueler words ever been spoken?
22:54That's it.
22:55I am determined to see where they think I don't belong.
22:59Take me with you.
23:06Miles.
23:15Miles.
23:16Oh.
23:18Healing warmth and light.
23:21It must be a magnificent solarium.
23:25Goodbye, sweet and edible facials.
23:28Hello, radiant, life-giving sun.
23:34It's beautiful.
23:35It's beautiful.
23:37Yes.
23:38This is where we belong.
23:51Do you smell garbage?
23:54Oh, dear, Miles.
23:56I don't think this is part of the spa.
24:01Hello?
24:03Hello?
24:05Anyone in the relaxation grotto?
24:11Treasure.
24:12Look at all those bees.
24:14Bees?
24:16Miles.
24:18Our sweet and edible facials.
24:20Run!
24:31Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
24:35Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
24:39Mercy
24:41And maybe I seem a bit confused
24:44Yeah, maybe
24:45But I got you pegged
24:47Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
24:50But I don't know what to do
24:52With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
24:56Those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:02They're callin' again
25:05Scrambled eggs all over my face
25:09What is a boy to do?
25:13Goodnight, everybody!