Frasier Season 6 Episode 11 Good Samaritan
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TVTranscript
00:00coming in oh actually he's arriving in a few hours i'll pick him up at the airport
00:04gosh you know i'm so excited to see him like it was lilith's turn this year that happened
00:08for his birthday but apparently there was an accident at the lab one of her monkeys bit her
00:13on the tongue what exactly was she doing with the monkey she was teaching them sign language
00:22i guess one of them made a disparaging remark about her new haircut she stuck her tongue out
00:30wow how bad does the haircut have to be for a monkey to hate it
00:37well i guess i'm just gonna have to get myself a cup of coffee oh somebody dropped a wallet
00:46is he cute hard to tell from a driver's license photo but he is
00:51five foot six weighs 200 pounds has corrective lenses leave it on the floor
00:56well thank god i don't share your good deeds for hunks only policy
01:04excuse me i just uh found this hey hey is that my wallet you got there oh is it
01:10well i i just found it on the floor over there i was about to drop it off at the counter
01:14please no reward what happened to my cash well i don't know it was empty when i found it
01:21yeah right i had seven bucks in here well i'm sure some lucky thief is off enjoying a matinee
01:28and a small soda at least you left my credit card jerk would you please bring me my usual
01:40i believe that guy i do him a favor he accuses me of stealing oh please the world is full of
01:47creeps like that haven't you figured that out yet oh i'm sorry ross but i still believe that
01:52people are basically good hey guys i'm glad you're here i need to talk to you about something
02:02my mom's having bypass surgery tomorrow morning and i'd like to sit up with her tonight at the
02:08hospital but i gotta work the 11 at one spot i don't suppose you don't think right like we don't
02:16know there's a big fight in vegas tonight look i know i church you guys around before but this
02:22is serious bulldog i'm sorry frederick's coming in tonight it's his birthday okay doc never mind
02:31i understand hello uh bernice briscoe's room please i hope my mom's around to celebrate
02:38her next birthday hi mom it's bobby um look i'm gonna have to work tonight after all bulldog wait
02:49a minute you know what frederick will probably be asleep by 11 o'clock i guess we could take
02:54your slot i'm not insane how can you be so gullible he is not talking to his mother
03:01does somebody have a boo-boo on her heart
03:07is someone gonna have to open you up with those big old rib spreaders
03:15oh mrs briscoe i'm so sorry
03:21listen i just wanted you to know that we'll fill in for bobby tonight
03:25thanks a million you guys i better uh get back to the hospital god bless bulldog
03:33oh i can't believe i said that that poor woman hey we're out of here but our flight doesn't
03:39leave for another two hours no i gotta stop by my mom's first i owe her 50 bucks and a case of
03:44schlitz
03:50so
04:11should i even ask these balloons come in an unsealed package covered with some mysterious
04:18dust straight from some southeast asian sweatshop doesn't that worry you oh you bet it
04:24does i remember back in korea we'd crouch in our foxholes scared to death those bastards were
04:30gonna drop balloons on us the doorman just called they're on their way off oh how much of a surprise
04:39it's going to be anyway you did the same thing last year that's the whole point he's never gonna
04:43suspect i'd do it two years in a row i must say i feel a bit bad for freddie none of his mates are
04:48here just the three of us old fogies yelling surprise well any party that is out with you
04:53is going to be a treat for him you know he's got that little crush on you you really want
04:58frederick to enjoy himself he especially likes when that little blue cocktail dress
05:06i'm not sure that dress is appropriate for a child's birthday party well it's hardly a party
05:11it's just us fogies you know frederick your granddad really wanted to be here but uh he had
05:18an important rotary club meeting oh what not another surprise party
05:28what are you talking about just like last year oh lord all right all right i'll tell you what
05:34just don't let on okay you know how he loves this stuff just uh act surprised all right
05:40the hardest thing is pretending to be fooled by a trick candles
05:45you think it's hard now once you're my age
05:51surprise oh wow i'm so surprised yeah i told you how you doing
05:59there you are
06:04happy birthday sweetheart just let me get the phone
06:11hello yes calling please wolf anyone here know a wolf oh lily
06:21oh
06:25yes hello lilith what's that oh right yes of course he's here uh it's your mom freddie why
06:32don't you take it into your granddad's room okay hi mom hey let's get the cake ready oh yes yes yes
06:38oh frazier i think you're going to be pleasantly surprised
06:41oh hey voila what the hell is that it's louis pasteur freddie's favorite scientist
06:53what child wouldn't be thrilled with a coconut death mask on his birthday
07:00frederick what happened to your jacket oh at the airport i i helped this woman get her dog
07:05into her car oh i hope at least it was in a crate yes very heavy crate i had to hold it
07:10arm's length so that what i chose to believe was drool wouldn't run out onto my shoes
07:19eight blocks later i finally load little fido into her back seat the woman drives off without
07:24so much as a thank you or an offer to give me a ride back to the airport well i responded
07:29with the time on a gesture of disapproval but on the upswing i caught my finger on the jacket
07:34oh thank you i must say my belief in people's basic decency has taken a beating today you know
07:42earlier i returned a man's wallet he accused me of stealing well it just proves what i always say
07:47a good samaritan is nothing but a good target well i'm sorry dad i'm not ready to be quite
07:52that cynical yet he's off the phone oh good all right well you can believe what you want
07:57but i think people are born rotten and every year they get worse happy birthday to
08:09welcome back to the night owl edition of the dr frazier crane show we have steven online too
08:21go ahead call you're on the air i think i'm losing my mind dr crane
08:26people are talking to me through my radio why do you think that here it is again
08:39turn your radio down now it's giving me orders
08:46steven turn your radio down
08:49no
08:52steven listen to me this is your radio talking i'm a very smart radio and i care about you now
08:59i want you to turn me off go to bed and seek counseling in the morning okay sorry doc can't
09:07talk anymore well i'd like to end tonight on a philosophical note you see earlier today i
09:21helped some people i i returned a man's wallet and i aided a woman at the airport
09:30and in return i was accused of being a thief and my favorite jacket was ruined
09:47i was so disappointed by the events of the day that on my way to work here tonight i
09:53almost passed an elderly man with a flat tire without stopping to help him
10:00shit what the hell are you doing i asked myself
10:15how would i feel if i were in this man's position and no one stopped to help me well
10:23i did pull over i helped the man and frankly it felt great so without sounding preachy i would
10:30like to advise you all to do a good deed once in a while if not for the sake of others but then
10:40well for your own sake thank you now let's go to station id
10:45rose do you mind
10:50what is your problem i'm getting ready for bed alice gets me up at the crack of dawn if i get
10:56all this taken care of i get extra half hour sleep but at least you spared me the spectacle
11:01of flossing thanks for reminding me i had corn
11:06and we're back it seems that we've got time for one more call uh don't bother ross i'll get it
11:26go ahead caller this is dr fraser crane i'm listening hi dr crane this is ralph
11:33this is ralph the guy who's tire you changed tonight ralph well what a wonderful surprise
11:40let me first say to our listeners that this call was not solicited in any way you go ahead ralph
11:45dr crane i was just wondering you work cuff links well yes as a matter of fact i do but there's no
11:51need to buy me a gift a gift you scratch the hell out of my paid job for those things you owe me
11:58money you can't be serious how much damage could couplings do to a car whose side window consists
12:06of duct tape and a hefty bag you'll find out when my lawyer sends you the bill let me remind
12:14you again listeners that call was not solicited
12:25so
12:37oh great somebody else in need of a good samaritan
12:45maybe if i ignore her she'll start waving
12:47at me but what am i gonna do just leave her standing in the rain
12:56then again every one of my good deeds today has ended up biting me in the butt
13:08so
13:14such nasty weather may i offer you a ride oh thank you
13:28i didn't think anyone was going to stop tonight well
13:32civil ray may be on life support but it's not dead
13:36oh seat warmers yes they're standard there's a little control on the side if you want more
13:41leg room now where can i take you it's up to you we can get a room or we can do it here in the car
13:52okay god you're a prostitute how far do these go back
13:59look i'm sorry there's been a mistake oh don't be nervous babe i'm not nervous and would you
14:04please put your seat up i'll put it any way you like it honey stop talking to me that way
14:11god's sake boy now please i am sorry about misunderstanding but get out of my car
14:16well why the hell did you pick me up i was trying to be a gentleman now get out
14:22i'm not walking all the way back to my corner give me some money for a cab
14:29oh lord i guess i must have left my wallet at the station
14:33well how in the hell were you going to pay for me i wasn't going to pay for you
14:38oh here's a 20 dollar bill now get out
14:43god get out get out hurry get out now it's too late they've seen us
14:49don't believe this is happening to me
14:50hello officer just how fast was i going hey don't i know you no no i don't believe so
15:03no i'm not talking you didn't i bust you last week give me a break buddy i'm trying to earn a
15:09living here was it really necessary to take my belt and tie standard procedures for your own
15:24protection for god's sake you had me in the drunk tank if i wanted to kill myself would
15:29have taken a deep breath fraser niles you certainly took your sweet time i've been waiting
15:42here two hours well i'm sorry niles i guess what with the pillow fight and the holding tank and
15:49the pre-mugshot makeover time just got away from me would you stop it just bailed me out of here
15:58i can't stand another minute in this place all right uh excuse me if you could get our
16:04bill together we're ready to settle up here it's 500 bucks 500 fraser i don't have that
16:14kind of cash on me put it on your credit card and have bail appear on my statement
16:20you're the kind of junk mail i would get just do it okay
16:24okay there you are
16:30so what happened a prostitute
16:37please i told you on the phone i didn't know she was a prostitute i saw a woman stranded in the
16:44rain naturally i offered her a ride before i knew it i was handcuffed to this bed surrounded by this
16:50motley assortment of other wrongfully accused gentlemen
17:01sir your card didn't go through what
17:07that's right maris's lawyers had my credit limit reduced oh no it's been so bad this
17:12week when i went to the cheese shop for their around the world platter they cut me off at
17:16luxembourg would you please call dad and get him down here
17:27yeah dad hi my credit card was declined well we need yours yeah well right yeah i'll see you soon
17:36oh god this is intolerable now to take him 20 minutes to get here no no he's waiting in the
17:41car what why didn't he come in frazier this was his old precinct when we pulled up outside i saw
17:49a look on his face i haven't seen since he drove us home from our first and only little league game
17:58dad hold it down dad i'm so sorry what happened was no i don't need to know i didn't come down
18:07here to judge you're my son and i love you yes for god's sakes dad why don't we just pay up and
18:12get out of here okay hey marty hey fred listen i wouldn't take this too hard marty you remember
18:20captain picheski's son turned out to be the coleman park pervert yeah thanks and sergeant
18:26o'brien's daughter does all them cable movies yeah i heard you can pick her out she's got his
18:32chin yeah i couldn't just start getting get on with it here dad will you let me explain first
18:39look i understand i was in the army we all have our urges okay but you don't understand all that
18:46happened was fly dr crane sorry i got you arrested oh that's all right crystal these things happen
19:02he had a wig on
19:07you're my son and i love you stop saying that
19:16i still don't know what you were thinking middle of the night
19:19deserted street picking up a strange woman a very strange woman
19:23oh obviously i wasn't thinking thank god now it's all over
19:32i'm just gonna quietly in here with frederick oh dear god doc's pal is a mock gal
19:44oh well this nightmare never end now listen dad we're barely getting a lot of calls about this
19:52thing and please do not answer the phone don't let anybody with the machine get it you don't
19:57want to give them anything that they can turn into something tawdry yeah i live with dr crane
20:02yeah there's quite a bit of massage involved definitely mostly around the hips thighs and
20:08buttocks give me that no comment oh oh jeffrey please don't answer the phone let the machine
20:17pick up yeah well the machine's filled up everyone's been calling oh god where's frederick
20:23he's still asleep look dr crane i just want to say you're the victim here thank you american
20:29society is so close-minded when it comes to sexual experimentation in europe stephanie i
20:35didn't do anything wrong exactly that's what i'm trying to say oh god i guess i deserve all this
20:44i certainly had enough warning to stop being such a boy scalp but did i listen no
20:51well from now on dr crane or seattle now knows him dr strange love
21:02is out of the samaritan business thank you niles
21:07frazier have you given much thought to what you're going to tell frederick
21:13oh god how can i possibly explain it to him well i i guess the key is not to be
21:21evasive he's gonna hear about it sooner or later i guess it should be from me
21:27after all i am a trained professional i'll be able to do it in a way that won't
21:30traumatize the child frederick don't touch that
21:42you know uh i could use a glass of orange juice yeah i think i'm gonna go in the
21:46kitchen and get a glass orange juice yum i'm going to come with you for that
21:50am i having another surprise party no no frederick here sit down for a second son i
22:03i've got something i've got to talk to you about um for the next couple of days you're gonna hear
22:09some rather nasty stories and some snide jokes about your old man mom's coming
22:21so
22:29no no she's not it's it's very hard for me to tell you this but i just spent the night in jail
22:36wow like brad johnson's dad well that was different insider trading is wrong
22:42what did you do well i saw a woman standing in the rain and i gave her a ride you can go to jail
22:54for that well it depends on the sort of woman you see this particular woman this uh
23:04person was a prostitute but i didn't know that until it was too late
23:12a prostitute oh god how can i explain this
23:19a prostitute is someone who engages in sexual relations with other people for money
23:25dad i'm 11 i know what a prostitute is
23:32but why did you pick one up
23:34well you see i didn't know that
23:40it was a prostitute at the time i was only trying to do a good deed
23:47and i guess in hindsight it was all a big mistake i just should have minded my own business
23:53so what are you saying dad you shouldn't try to help people
24:00well
24:04so
24:18may i offer you a ride oh thank you
24:28i waved at you a couple times but i didn't think you saw me yes well i noticed you
24:33i was just having sort of a bad day dream so where can i take you same place you're going
24:43oh dear god you're hillton i live in your building
24:52i'm so glad you stopped and you did oh i'm certainly glad i stopped too
25:03hey baby i hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs mercy
25:18and maybe i seem a bit confused yeah maybe but i got you pegs
25:27but i don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:34they're calling again
25:38scrambled eggs all over my face what is the boy to do
25:46good night everybody