Frasier Season 4 Episode 10 Liar! Liar!
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00:00I'm glad you came back with us. I hope you had a good time.
00:04Well, I can't tell you how much fun this has been.
00:08Listen, now that you know the way, don't be a stranger, okay?
00:11Good night.
00:14Who the hell was that?
00:17He's not from the station.
00:18I never saw him before.
00:20He was table hopping like crazy during the awards.
00:23That's because he was our waiter.
00:25Well, it's the last time I take everybody back to my place.
00:34Who cares about that guy? This is a great night.
00:38For you, maybe. The rest of us lost.
00:41Hey, it's not important whether you win or lose.
00:44It's an honor just being numb.
00:49I couldn't get through that crap on stage. I can't get through it now.
00:53Frazier, do you mind if I use your phone?
00:55No, not at all.
00:57Who are you calling? It's practically midnight.
00:59Oh, I promised my grandmother I'd leave her a message telling her how we did.
01:03Hey, Gammy, it's Roz. Guess what? I won again. We're all here celebrating.
01:10Yay!
01:13Listen, I gotta go. It's getting crazy here, but I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye-bye.
01:18You lied to Gammy?
01:23Well, she's old and it makes her happy.
01:27She smiled for a week when I won the Miss Seattle pageant.
01:34You know, Roz raises a very interesting philosophical question.
01:38Ah, here we go. Buckle up.
01:43Is it always morally wrong to lie?
01:47We are taught that it is.
01:49But are there certain occasions where a lie would be acceptable?
01:53Yeah, like the lies you tell at chicken bed.
01:57You're the best I've ever been with. Your thighs don't look that fat.
02:03Oh, don't worry. I've had a vasectomy.
02:10Hey, screw you guys. I'm an artist. We live by different rules.
02:15An argument can certainly be made that a lie is good when it spares someone unnecessary pain.
02:21I'm reminded of Merit's brief flirtation with activewear when I assured her,
02:26You look fine, darling. Spandex is supposed to blouse.
02:32Well, you know, Lilith actually told me the other day that Frederick has taken to lying.
02:37Yes, he told all of his friends that Lilith is an alien.
02:44Seems as good an explanation as any.
02:48Yes, he also told them that she wears her hair in a bun to hide the third eye in the back of her head.
02:55Yes, he also told them that she wears her hair in a bun to hide the third eye in the back of her head.
03:02How did Lilith find out?
03:04Well, apparently she was driving him and two of his little friends over to a Junior Manson meeting.
03:10She looked in the rearview mirror and saw that they were making faces at the other cars.
03:15Never have the words, I can see you caused so much screaming and wetting of pants.
03:25I did my share of fibbing too.
03:29I once told me school chums I was born with a tiny embryonic twin attached to me hip.
03:37Of course they were horrified and it didn't help me social life at all.
03:43But for a while there it was nice having a sister.
03:55Oh, remember in prep school when we were so desperate to avoid the president's physical fitness test.
04:03We lit a match underneath the fire alarm and all the sprinklers went off.
04:07Oh, and we blamed that delinquent kid, John Rajeski.
04:12Yes.
04:13You did what?
04:14What's wrong?
04:15You two swore up and down to me that you never set off that alarm.
04:19Of course we weren't going to tell you.
04:22For heaven's sake, dad, you can't be mad. We were kids.
04:26You know, the headmaster said it was you two.
04:28I went down there and raised hell with him. I said, my kids don't lie.
04:32Because of you that Rajeski kid got expelled.
04:36Expelled?
04:39Geez, if we'd known that was going to happen, we would have told the truth.
04:42Not me.
04:46He was a brute and a meanie.
04:52You're right.
04:54He used to make the most merciless fun of me.
04:57Because I always wore my gym shorts in the shower.
05:04He used to call me shorts in the shower boy.
05:10Oh, you don't have to be witty to be crude.
05:15Well, I don't give a damn what that kid did.
05:17Getting me expelled was worse.
05:19I'm going to bed. Good night, everybody.
05:21Good night.
05:23Good night, dad.
05:25Well, I guess that brings an end to our little debate.
05:29There are no good lies.
05:32Hey, hey, it's getting kind of heavy in here.
05:35We got to liven this place up, huh?
05:38Hey, I know, party games, huh?
05:41All right, doc.
05:43I'm going to need a blindfold, some whipped cream, and a glass coffee table.
05:49What? Nobody here went to camp?
05:54Forget it, Bulldog.
05:56These guys are no fun.
06:00You know what?
06:02I know a great after-hours place where we can go get a few drinks.
06:06Now you're talking.
06:09Hey, if things go well, I know an after-after-hours place.
06:13I get the keys.
06:15I get the keys.
06:18You get the elevator. I'll get my coat.
06:20You're right.
06:29No good lies, my ass.
06:39Morning, Frasier.
06:40Oh, good morning, doc.
06:43Oh, dear God, it's finally happened.
06:46This is the thanks I get for introducing you to my personal shopper.
06:51I gave Rinaldo specific instructions to write down every article of clothing that I had purchased
06:56so that we could avoid this sort of calamity.
06:58I didn't use Rinaldo.
07:00This suit just caught my eye while I was shopping for shoes.
07:03Oh.
07:06Oh.
07:09Wait.
07:10Why didn't you also take my strong chin and swimmer's bill?
07:13Oh, please.
07:16Obviously, we have to sit apart.
07:18Sit down.
07:22Something I need to talk to you about.
07:24Most people aren't as attuned to these things as you and I are.
07:28Surely one of you'll notice.
07:30Here you are, double espresso.
07:32I took a chance and brought you the same thing.
07:41Well, anyway.
07:44After our conversation last night, I couldn't stop thinking about our getting John Rajewski expelled.
07:50Didn't sleep a wink.
07:51You can't be serious.
07:54I mean, it didn't bother you?
07:55Where is your conscience?
07:57Perhaps it fell into the quad along with my whole monitor beret
08:01when John hung me from the flagpole.
08:08He was going to be expelled sooner or later.
08:10You cannot guilt me into feeling bad.
08:12Yes, well, no one hated him more than I did.
08:15But I still think we owe him an apology.
08:18May I borrow your phone now?
08:20Certainly.
08:24You're not going to call him?
08:25I am.
08:26Are you insane?
08:28Oh, a number for a John Rajewski, please.
08:31Well, my conscience won't rest until the two of us have said we're sorry.
08:36Or at least connect me, please.
08:38Leave me out of this.
08:40I'm not sorry.
08:41But don't tell him that.
08:45And if he asks, I'm living in Italy.
08:50No, no.
08:51France.
08:53No, Italy.
08:56Yes, hello.
08:58Is John Rajewski there, please?
09:00It's an old friend of his.
09:03Oh.
09:05I'm terribly sorry to hear that.
09:07Thank you.
09:11Now this is worse than we thought.
09:14He's in prison.
09:18Well, who's wearing shorts in the shower now?
09:26Well, joke all you like.
09:28Still can't help thinking this is all our fault.
09:31How?
09:32Well, he was always on the cusp.
09:34Maybe he couldn't get into another prep school.
09:36Maybe he had to go to public.
09:39Got in with the wrong crowd.
09:41Couldn't hold down a job.
09:42Returned to a life of crime.
09:43Frazier, sometimes bad things happen to bad people.
09:46No.
09:47We did not say that.
09:49We did not say that.
09:51Frazier, sometimes bad things happen to bad people.
09:53No.
09:54We did not set him on the path to prison.
09:57Yes, well, until I'm sure of that fact, my conscience will not rest.
10:00I have got to speak with him.
10:02May I have a check, please?
10:03You're not going down to the jail.
10:05Yes, I am.
10:07I invite you to join me.
10:09Oh, yes, that's a good idea, Frazier.
10:11The crane boy's going to a prison in matching outfits.
10:21I'm going to the jail.
10:32Frazier Crane?
10:33So, uh?
10:35Hey, how's it going?
10:36Oh, fine.
10:38And you?
10:39Meh.
10:44What brings you down here?
10:45Well, I, I, I don't know if, if you get the alumni magazine, but, uh...
10:51I became a psychiatrist and I'm currently conducting a study on men behind bars and how they got there.
11:02That's an awfully nasty bruise on your knuckles.
11:06Oh, yes. Caught some guy using my comb. I really hate it when people touch my stuff.
11:14Oh, yes, I remember my brother Niles once sat in your chair in the cafeteria.
11:19You know, as I recall, you put him on a tray and ran him through the dishwasher.
11:25Yeah, glass clown, that was me.
11:30How is Niles anyway?
11:33He's abroad now.
11:36Really?
11:40Oh, that must have hurt.
11:43No, no, I mean, yes, I suppose it did.
11:49Well, anyway, it would be an enormous help in my study if you could perhaps pinpoint the moment or event in your life that led you to here.
12:02Oh, that's easy. I'm doing time for passing a bed check.
12:07Yeah, you see, I wanted to get my wife something nice.
12:11We're going through a rough time recently.
12:14I was scared she was going to leave me, you know.
12:17Well, that was quick and painless. We've identified the point where you fell off the beam.
12:21Actually, though, I was already on probation.
12:24Yes, I did some time about ten years back for driving a car that didn't belong to me.
12:29And that was your first infraction.
12:32Oh, yeah.
12:33Well, case closed, mystery solved.
12:36Young man yields to the lure of a bright and shiny car.
12:40Is there anything more tragic?
12:42I did have a juvenile record.
12:44I think there is.
12:47Got thrown out of high school for fighting.
12:51You did say high school, not prep school?
12:54Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:56This was way after you knew me.
12:59I went bad then.
13:01Always getting into fights.
13:04Of course, I wouldn't have been there in the first place if I hadn't got thrown out of that good school you and me were in.
13:12That had a big effect on me, you know.
13:15Guess what? Perhaps we could continue our backward journey.
13:19No, no, no. That was a bum rap.
13:22Somebody pulled a fire alarm, and they blamed me for it.
13:26They said I did it, but I didn't do it.
13:28Let's discuss your early childhood.
13:30You know, the more I think about it, this all started the day I got thrown out of prep school.
13:36Ever since then, my life's been crap.
13:40I think I have all the information I need now.
13:44Sorry, I didn't mean to blow like that.
13:47Well, that's all right, John.
13:51Thank you for your time.
13:53Got plenty of it, huh?
13:57See you.
13:58Yeah.
14:00No, no, John.
14:02Just one more thing.
14:04One second, please.
14:07I need to tell you about something that I did in school I'm not very proud of.
14:13You, John.
14:15Sorry I touched your comb, man.
14:20Really.
14:27So what'd you do?
14:30Well, I peeked over your shoulder once during an algebra quiz.
14:36And I'm the one who gets expelled.
14:52Evening, Dr. Crane.
14:54Hello, Daphne.
14:55Dad.
14:56Hi.
14:57Something wrong with your back?
14:58I injured it this morning, playing squash.
15:03I need to make a dive to save match point.
15:06Well, I've got just the thing to take care of that.
15:09You take off your jacket, I'll be right back.
15:14You're too kind.
15:15You know, I should never have even attempted a move like that.
15:18It was sort of a cross between a pirouette and a flying scissor kick.
15:25You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you?
15:28Quiet.
15:31All right, pull out your shirt tails and lay face down on the sofa.
15:35I can guarantee you within a minute you'll be feeling much better.
15:44I haven't even touched you yet.
15:47I started without you.
15:55Hey, wait a minute, you're not going to use that stuff on him, are you?
15:58He used it on me one time and burned like hell.
16:01Oh, hush up, old man, it helped you, didn't it?
16:04It nearly killed me.
16:06Oh, listen to the big, tough policeman.
16:08You don't hear your son complaining, do we, Dr. Crane?
16:11Not a bit.
16:15Frost me like a cake.
16:19Well, just wait a minute, it goes on cool, but then it turns into a blowtorch.
16:25Well, I guess now we know who the real man in the family is, don't we?
16:29I should say we do.
16:33Is it starting to warm up?
16:35Oh, yeah.
16:38But it's a refreshing heat like those towels they give you on the airplane.
16:46I'm not hurting you, am I?
16:47No, no, I'm just a little ticklish back there.
16:56Well, I guess you are the tough one.
17:01There you go.
17:03Oh, no, wait a minute, Daphne, you missed a big spot right there.
17:06No, that's okay, because it's all done now, and thank you, Daphne.
17:10Oh, a few minutes ago I was bent over in pain, but now look at me, I'm running.
17:26How is that hip of yours, anyway?
17:28Back off, witch woman.
17:32Evening, Dr. Crane.
17:34Evening, Daphne.
17:35How'd they go in the jail?
17:37Horribly.
17:39The man is convinced he's getting thrown out of prep school, the beginning of his life of crime.
17:46He's been thinking about all these years?
17:49No.
17:52I sort of...
17:55connected the dots for him.
17:59You tell him it was you?
18:01Oh, I intended to, but I became convinced the man would be willing to perform unspeakable atrocities on the responsible party or parties.
18:10Well, you probably made the right call.
18:12Knowing you, you'd beat yourself up worse than he would anyway.
18:15I hope you remember to tell him I was an expatriate.
18:19I told him you were an ex-something.
18:30You know, I just feel so guilty.
18:33I've done this man a terrible injustice.
18:37You know, Dr. Crane, I've always believed life has a way of balancing itself out.
18:42Yes, you may have treated this man unfairly, but think of all the people you've helped on your show.
18:48Just yesterday, you reconciled that couple on the brink of divorce,
18:52and today you helped Molly from Tacoma overcome her addiction to Swedes.
18:59That was sweets, not Swedes.
19:06I thought it was strange when you told her to limit herself to one or two after meals.
19:14You know, perhaps I should have told you.
19:17I'm sorry.
19:20I'm sorry.
19:23I'm sorry.
19:27You know, perhaps I just have an overactive conscience.
19:31It's not enough that I've helped other people. I want to help this man.
19:35Well, and I hope you do, Frasier, because then finally you'll stop torturing the rest of us with all your...
19:40Oh! Oh, Payne's back.
19:43Oh, not to worry. She's got more liniment.
19:45Oh, Payne's gone.
19:48Oh, come on now. Don't be brave.
19:51Let's go into the loo, and I'll give you a second cold.
19:57You know, Dad, it definitely gives me a thought.
20:01I'm a skilled couples therapist,
20:04and John did mention that he was having marital problems.
20:07Oh, James.
20:08No, Dad, this is perfect. It's perfect.
20:10I may have ruined the last 25 years of this man's life,
20:13but with my gift, I could save the next 25.
20:17Yes, a listing for a John Rejewski residence.
20:20I'm telling you, Frasier, don't get mixed up with this guy. He's a felon.
20:24Connect me, please.
20:26Dad, just relax. I know what I'm doing.
20:28This is Rejewski.
20:30Hello. You don't know me, but I...
20:33Oh!
20:39My.
20:41Well, that's remarkable. Yes, I am a friend of your husband's.
20:45This is Rejewski.
20:47Wow. It's really you.
20:50Frasier Crane.
20:52Yes. May I?
20:54Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. Please, please, come in.
21:00You know, you're kind of like a god down at work.
21:04Oh, thank you.
21:06You know, I'm not a god.
21:10You know, you're kind of like a god down at work.
21:14Please, please, sit down.
21:16Thank you, thank you.
21:18Well, let me cut right to the chase.
21:21John told me that you two were going through a bit of a rough patch,
21:26and I was wondering if there's anything I can do to help.
21:30Well, I love John.
21:33I really do, but there is a problem.
21:37It's just a little difficult talking about it, you know?
21:40I mean, it's a little embarrassing, especially face-to-face.
21:44Well, I'll tell you what, just pretend I'm on my radio show,
21:49and there, there now, you're just another caller.
21:52Okay.
21:54Well, Dr. Crane, it's a sexual problem.
22:01You see, I can only get really turned on
22:04when there's something that makes the whole situation sort of dangerous.
22:12Dangerous?
22:13You're looking at me.
22:14Sorry.
22:16Like doing it in a car.
22:19Well, that's not so dangerous.
22:21You must be some driver.
22:25Oh, and you've never had an accident?
22:28No, I'm on the pill.
22:35So, well, how long have you had this particular kink?
22:40Well, I don't know, really.
22:42It kind of started around the time that I first met John.
22:49I was working in a convenience store.
22:51I caught him shoplifting.
22:54Next thing I knew, we were rolling around on the Slurpee machine,
22:58and I'd already pressed the silent alarm so I knew that the cops were on their way.
23:05That's when I realized what really turns me on,
23:10knowing I could get caught at any moment.
23:13Oh, dear God!
23:15He's out of jail, isn't he?
23:17He could walk in at any time.
23:19Good, but he'll kill us!
23:21Oh, touch me here and say that!
23:24Are you crazy?
23:26He doesn't even let people touch his coat!
23:29I know, what's that all about?
23:32He might like to put your dress back on and straighten up before he gets home.
23:37Hey, sirs, can I open up?
23:39Look, we've only got time for one. I suggest the dress.
23:42Where's the bedroom?
23:43You're in it.
23:44Listen, you've got to get him out of here.
23:47And pass him a chance to have sex with him knowing he could find you here at any minute?
23:52Oh, God!
23:55Welcome home, baby!
23:58It's great to be back!
24:04What are you doing?
24:06Well, I'm just getting ready for you.
24:09Oh, I missed you.
24:11So, do you want to?
24:13Sure, I do, but...
24:15Do you mean normally?
24:18The super's not going to barge in?
24:21You didn't dial 911 or anything like that?
24:24I've got everything I need right here in this room.
24:29All right.
24:33I'm just going to pull down the shades.
24:35Wait, wait!
24:39What the hell is this?
24:43How much did you spend on these?
24:46Oh, Johnny, can't we talk about that later?
24:51Hey, why don't you turn off the light?
25:00It's too dark.
25:02I want to see you.
25:04Whatever you want, baby.
25:08This is going to be great.
25:11I am going to make love to you all night.
25:17But first, I have a surprise for you.
25:21I wrote a poem for you while I was in prison.
25:27I am a garden, dry and brown.
25:31You are the rain that tumbles down, Susan.
25:36I am a beggar who needs to eat.
25:40You are a sandwich thick with meat, Susan.
25:46No!
25:49Oh, my God!
25:51I knew you had something planned!
25:53You set the building on fire!
25:55No, I didn't, I swear!
25:57Come on, let's get out of here!
25:59Oh, but the firemen, they're on their way!
26:01Come on!
26:17Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
26:21Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:25Oh, my!
26:27And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:31Yeah, maybe, but I got you pregged
26:34Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
26:37But I don't know what to do
26:39With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:43With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:49They're callin' again
26:53Scrambled eggs all over my face
26:56What is it more to do?
27:01Frasier has left the building.