Frasier Season 3 Episode 2 Shrink Rap
Frasier Season 3 Episode 2 Shrink Rap
Transcript
00:00You try and try, but at some point you finally have to admit, as much as you care about each other, your relationship isn't working and hasn't been for some time.
00:14But you two wouldn't be sitting here with me if you didn't want to save this relationship. Isn't that true?
00:23Well, I'm willing to try. I can't speak for...
00:27You don't have to speak for me, Niles. I'm perfectly capable of speaking for myself.
00:36Yes, I know. Caruso wasn't so in love with the sound of his own voice.
00:41What does that mean?
00:43Well, you tell me, Enrico. What do you think it means?
00:46Yes, I can tell you what it means.
00:48I'm sick of your arrogance.
00:49Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
00:52Now, are we agreed that we want to do something to fix this problem?
01:02I've been fixing it for quite some time now.
01:05Why doesn't one of you tell me how this started?
01:09Well, it began with me.
01:12It was last week. I was at work doing my radio show.
01:17I was on the air with a troubled young woman.
01:21She just started telling me about a recurring dream she'd had since childhood.
01:27Okay, I'm in my bedroom. I've just gotten out of the bathtub to get dressed.
01:33When I open the closet, all my clothes are gone.
01:37Suddenly, I hear the sound of footsteps on the dry leaves outside.
01:42I turn, and there's a little girl with her nose pressed up against the window.
01:47Fascinating!
01:49But her breath is fogging up the glass so that I can't make out her face.
01:53Only, I'm sure she's come to tell me something important.
01:59So, a girl...
02:03on the other side of the glass with an urgent message.
02:09But for some reason, you're unable or unwilling to receive it.
02:13I'm sorry, Dr. Crane. I hate to interrupt, but you're all out of time for today.
02:17Oh, dear.
02:19Listen, Jill, I'm terribly sorry,
02:22but I'd like to continue talking with you when we're off the air, so please don't hang up.
02:27Meantime, listeners, I've enjoyed our time today.
02:30Tune in again tomorrow when we'll be talking with...
02:33Blah, blah, Frazer Crane Show. Happy health. Goodbye.
02:42Yo, Jill, you a football fan?
02:45Not really.
02:46Then beat it.
02:50All right, let's talk women's golf.
02:54Sometimes I hate this job.
02:56Not only do I have to put up with that annoying little sweat sock,
03:01but when a caller comes in and has a truly fascinating problem,
03:04I'm barely able to scratch the surface.
03:06It makes me want to run screaming back to private practice.
03:09I can imagine how frustrated you must be.
03:12This show's got to be constraining for a man of your staggering intellect.
03:16Hold it. Stop. Wait a minute.
03:18You expect us to believe that Roz actually used a phrase like staggering intellect?
03:26It was something like that.
03:28So she might have said your boundless brilliance, say,
03:31or the Olympian reaches of your wisdom.
03:34Oh, Niles, do shut up.
03:36Oh, you shut up.
03:37No, I think you should shut up.
03:39It's time you shut up.
03:40I think it's time you shut up.
03:42Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
03:48Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
03:50Gentlemen, it's not important exactly what was said.
03:55No, what is important is that, as usual, he assumes it all revolves around him,
04:01when the truth is it started several days before that with me.
04:05I'd been having some trouble with a psychiatrist in the office next door.
04:09His unconventional therapy had started to intrude upon my sessions.
04:14Mrs. Kelly, the key here is that you trust me.
04:18As long as you're in this office, you have no reason to feel anything but safe.
04:23Ah!
04:30You must think of this as your refuge, your sanctuary.
04:35Ah!
04:43Now, I'm not saying that being the sole survivor of a plane crash wasn't a traumatizing experience.
04:50But I can get you to a point where the memories no longer haunt you.
05:03His primal scream madness was ruining my practice.
05:07I had to do something.
05:09The opportunity presented itself that Friday.
05:12I'd come to Fraser's for dinner.
05:14I remember Daphne, my father's health care worker, was telling the most delightful story.
05:20Oh, I know what you're going through, dealing with a noisy neighbor.
05:24Have I ever mentioned that couple that lived next door to me in London?
05:28A married couple who made the most ungodly racket in bed.
05:33The walls must have been like tissue paper because I'd hear the whole performance every night.
05:40Finally, I decided the only way to get them to stop was to let them hear what I'd been hearing.
05:45So one night, I moved near the wall and I started...
05:50Oh!
05:53Oh, yes!
05:55Oh!
05:57Oh, don't stop!
05:59Oh, that's the spot!
06:01Oh! Do it again!
06:04Oh, you are the beast master!
06:07Oh, for hell's sake, just take me, you devil spawn sex monkey!
06:11Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
06:16Problem solved.
06:21I'm sorry, Daphne, I drifted. Would you tell that story again?
06:28Hold it! Stop!
06:30I was in a full well, but Daphne merely told us that story.
06:33She did not act it out.
06:35Didn't she?
06:37No! Just tell the story!
06:39Fine.
06:41It was a few hours later.
06:43We were having espresso, and perhaps to counteract the stimulant effect,
06:48Frasier was telling us about his day.
06:50You know, I can't stop thinking about my last caller today.
06:54Fascinating young woman and a recurring dream.
06:59You know who's a hell of a dreamer?
07:01Daddy.
07:04One night I wake up, he's lying on my forehead, dead asleep,
07:09the big clump of my hair in his mouth growling.
07:15Bet you'd love to analyze that little brain of his.
07:21Yes, that would be the jewel in the crown of my career.
07:26Still, thinking about this woman has started me longing for private practice.
07:32I guess I just missed the chance to dig deep with my patients.
07:36Have you considered seeing patients on the side?
07:39Oh, yes, of course.
07:41I've got a list of people that have expressed interest.
07:44Frasier, I have a proposition.
07:47I mentioned that doctor in the office next door.
07:50I mentioned that doctor in the office next door.
07:53Well, his lease is up.
07:56If you were interested in his office as his landlord,
07:59I could tell him and his screaming meanies to hit the road.
08:07You and I.
08:11Working side by side.
08:20I don't mind telling you the prospect sounds quite exciting.
08:26We could consult on each other's patients.
08:28We could give seminars together.
08:30Even therapy groups.
08:31Oh, my God. Crane and crane.
08:33I can see our logo already.
08:35A giant crane hovering above a human head.
08:43Dad, why are you laughing? Why is Dad laughing?
08:46You, too. You'll never learn.
08:48Oh, oh, you think this is a bad idea.
08:51The restaurant you bought together, that was a bad idea.
08:56The book you tried to write together, that was a bad idea.
09:00This.
09:05No, that restaurant was still the stupidest.
09:11Two little misadventures and you doom us to failure.
09:14Oh, Bologna, you've been like this since you were kids.
09:17You two can't work together.
09:19Maybe Dad's right.
09:21We're not ready for this.
09:22It could lead to conflict and tension.
09:25Hold it!
09:26I'll tell the truth.
09:28Oh, all right.
09:29Stop raining on our parade, Dad.
09:33To crane and crane.
09:41Well, our first day together began innocently enough.
09:45Good morning, Dr. Crane.
09:48And to you, Dr. Crane.
09:52Oh, Niles, you're so former, there's nobody around.
10:00It's a high five, Niles.
10:02Oh, oh, oh, sorry.
10:04Oh.
10:07Uh, coffee?
10:08Oh, yes, please.
10:11Thank you.
10:12Oh, Niles, I can't tell you how much I've missed that.
10:17The smell of the office place.
10:21Freshly oiled leather couches.
10:23The pungent coffee.
10:26The aroma of an exotic luncheon.
10:28Special wafting up from the cafeteria below.
10:31Actually, that's the lab next door.
10:33They lost power last night and some of their tissue samples turned...
10:43By the way, I've put together some recent articles you may want to peruse just to get up to speed.
10:51Up to speed?
10:54Well, it has been a while since you practiced and we could all use a little brushing up.
11:01Well, that's very considerate of you.
11:05I'll just put my homework assignment in my box there, as you wish.
11:13Here.
11:27All right.
11:28Where shall we put this, then?
11:30Well, the only place it should go, actually, is right here by the couch, I think.
11:34No, no.
11:35Daphne, here, on the desk, we'll pick up the earth tones and the carpet.
11:39You know, there is this dead space here by the coffee station.
11:42Oh.
11:43Underneath the heating vent.
11:45Why not just give it a blindfold and a cigarette?
11:49It is your office. I mean, put it where you like.
11:51No, no, no. It is your plant.
11:53And it's my bleeding back, so I'm putting it right here.
11:57Honestly, I don't know how you put up with him.
12:02Liar! Liar!
12:04Daphne never said that.
12:06Well, she said it with body language.
12:09I happen to be fluent in that language, and she said nothing of the kind.
12:15Someone tell me what's so important about this plant.
12:18You'll know soon enough.
12:19I'm telling the rest of the story.
12:21I'm putting it right here.
12:26You know, the best thing about getting old,
12:29your hair may turn grey,
12:31your joints may stiffen,
12:33you may even have to walk with a cane,
12:37but people still ask you to help them move.
12:46Forgive me for overburdening you, Dad.
12:48Could you just put those in my office, please?
12:55Oh, look at your two names together on the door.
13:00Dr. Crane, is your brother's name smaller than yours?
13:06I guess that's the only way it would fit.
13:08I assumed you wouldn't mind.
13:09After all, we're concerned here with healing people, aren't we?
13:15Of course, Niles.
13:18If I were interested in self-promotion,
13:21I guess I'd be content with my radio show,
13:25heard every day by over half a million listeners
13:30in the Pacific Northwest and parts of Canada.
13:37What are you doing?
13:39I'm moving the chapelera.
13:41I liked it where it was.
13:42Yes, but it didn't like it there.
13:43It wants light.
13:45You can send me a plant.
13:47I'll go fetch the vile Calvinese.
13:50I have had this plant for two years.
13:52It's never been in direct sunlight.
13:53Well, obviously, look at it.
13:55The leaves are puckering.
13:56They are not.
13:57They've wilted a little from the ride over in the trunk of the car.
14:00Oh, nonsense.
14:01Mafia snitches emerge from car trunks looking more robust.
14:05This plant is going right over.
14:07And so it begins.
14:13Of course, the incident with the plant was only the beginning.
14:16That was followed by a run-in at the receptionist's desk,
14:19a row at the coffee machine,
14:21and a contretemps when Frasier lost the men's room key.
14:25That was an accident.
14:26Yes, it very nearly was.
14:30I am so tired of your exaggeration.
14:33You always make things 50,000 times worse than they are.
14:39But I'm going to tell the story from now on.
14:43The point is,
14:44my nerves were, well, pretty much shot
14:47by the time we conducted our first therapy group together.
14:51First off,
14:53I have a colleague to introduce.
14:55He's not only an esteemed psychiatrist,
14:58he happens to be my brother, Dr. Frasier Crane.
15:01Afternoon, everyone.
15:03Wow!
15:05Here's Dr. Crane from the radio.
15:08Guilty as charged.
15:10Yes, but we all have to remind Dr. Crane
15:12that this is real psychiatry now, not the radio.
15:15No hanging up on the hard ones here.
15:24But rest assured, I am trained to deal with a full range of issues.
15:28Everything from envy to jealousy.
15:34But I'll just be observing today.
15:38I don't know you well enough to render any opinions yet,
15:40so just pretend I'm not here.
15:43And good luck with that.
15:50Mrs. Kalish, perhaps you could bring us up to date
15:54on how you're dealing with your divorce.
15:56This is week two, isn't it?
15:58Yes.
16:00Well...
16:03I actually had my first date last night.
16:07Oh, that's wonderful.
16:09Hmm.
16:13Did you say something?
16:16I don't think so.
16:18It sounded like, hmm,
16:20like you disapproved.
16:24Well, since you asked...
16:28I think in divorce we have painful feelings,
16:33which are nevertheless healthy feelings.
16:36If we start to date too quickly,
16:38I want to be sure that that's not a panacea for the pain.
16:41Ooh.
16:43I guess you will find my brother is quite deft
16:45with those peppy little bromides.
16:47Panacea for the pain.
16:49You can almost hear the phrase.
16:51I came up with these words from Pringles.
16:57You don't want to wait too long before you date, though, either.
17:01I waited five years.
17:03By then I was so desperate,
17:05I stayed with the first woman who came along.
17:07She ended up being the same controlling ice princess
17:10as my first wife.
17:12Hmm.
17:14Well, Mr. Kong, there are many...
17:16It sounded like your brother said something again.
17:22Well, since you've asked...
17:26It occurred to me that by waiting for five years
17:30and becoming, as you said, desperate,
17:34that perhaps you were really giving yourself license
17:37to pursue a woman who reminded you of your first wife.
17:41You had to repeat the pattern.
17:44Are you saying it wasn't an accident?
17:47We have an expression in psychiatry.
17:49There are no accidents.
17:51Now let's check in with news and traffic.
17:58Dr. Crane, are you denying that most accidents happen for a reason?
18:03No, Dr. Crane. I believe they do.
18:06I'm reminded of a recent accident
18:08involving a four-inch wooden block
18:10attached to a men's room key
18:12which walked off in somebody's bucket.
18:15Obviously an act of hostility, wouldn't you say?
18:19Certainly it well deserved
18:21when considering what an insufferable prig
18:24someone has been today.
18:26You dare call me a prig
18:29after I rescued you from that sideshow
18:31you call a radio program?
18:33One more crack about my show
18:35and I'll put that little wooden block
18:37in a place you'll always be able to find it.
18:40Brooke, take five minutes of quiet introspection.
18:52Frazier, I have made a fist
18:54and I'm thinking of using it.
18:58You are not scaring me, Ed.
19:00The thumb goes on the outside, Niles, on the outside.
19:04How dare you try to steal my group?
19:06I don't need your group. I've got a group of my own.
19:08Half a million strong.
19:10Oh, yes, your legions.
19:12Why don't you rent a farm,
19:14pass out the body paint and call it Frazier stock?
19:19You know, I'm just a little tired of your condescending attitude.
19:21You have not missed one single opportunity
19:23to run down my show or grab a book off the shelf
19:26to help me get up to speed.
19:28By God, you're such a brilliant healer
19:30you've even saved my life.
19:32By God, you're such a brilliant healer
19:34you've even taken over the care of my chiflera.
19:36Well, you were starving enough sunlight.
19:38All right, fine, let's just give the little deer
19:41all the sunlight it needs.
19:50Are you insane?
19:52If I were, doctor, you'd never know it.
19:58You.
19:59And you know it's true
20:01that's a single whiff of rope
20:03when I say to you I'm not insane whatsoever.
20:05You have no feeling in your body.
20:07You don't care about any person.
20:09Is that my group? Group?
20:11Oh, wait. Group, come back, group.
20:14I'm very proud of this show of independence.
20:18I hope you're happy.
20:20If I were doctor, you'd never know it.
20:24Stop saying that.
20:26I will not stop saying it.
20:27You have just stopped being a crane.
20:29Start to crane.
20:30Hello, Dr. Schachter.
20:31What's going on?
20:33I'm having a discussion with my brother.
20:35I can hear your discussion across the hall of my office.
20:38Well, you see, he waltzed in here like the belle of the ball.
20:41Oh, belle of the ball.
20:42I've seen you dance all over the floor.
20:45Now, look, you two are obviously in some distress.
20:49As you know, I am a specialist in couples therapy.
20:56Never treated brothers before, but still.
20:58You step into my office.
21:00I'm sure I can help you.
21:02Hold it. Hold it.
21:04I never said I'm sure I can help you.
21:07I said I may be able to help you.
21:12See how he twists your words?
21:14It's right here, buddy boy.
21:18Enough. You are doctors.
21:20I've never seen anything like this in my life.
21:23You think he's trying to steal your patience,
21:26and you think he's trying to undermine you as a psychiatrist.
21:30But you must know what is at the root of this problem.
21:34He is.
21:37No.
21:39You have a fundamental lack of trust.
21:43It may be so deeply rooted by now that it's impossible to change,
21:48but there are certain exercises that we could try,
21:53provided you two are willing.
21:56Well, let's start with what I've been trying.
21:59Let's start with the most basic trust exercise there is.
22:06Now, one of you simply stands on this footstool
22:12and falls backwards into your brother's waiting arms,
22:18thus demonstrating that we can trust each other.
22:23Dr. Crane, why don't you go first?
22:26All right.
22:27Just get up there and let yourself go.
22:31All right.
22:39Is he standing directly behind me?
22:43Yes. Now trust your brother.
22:47I'd feel better if he were wearing rubber soles.
22:50Oh, for God's sake, now just get down.
22:52I'll go first, all right?
23:02Is he in position?
23:05Yes.
23:07Trust him.
23:09Trust him.
23:15You should know he catches like a girl.
23:22I don't believe this, Dickham, will you?
23:25This couldn't be easier.
23:28I get up here, I count to three, and you catch me.
23:33One, two, three.
23:39Why didn't you catch him?
23:41You were closer.
23:42It was your turn.
23:43It was my turn.
23:45That is it. That is it.
23:48In 30 years as a couples therapist,
23:52I've never said what I'm about to say.
23:56Give up.
24:01It's hopeless.
24:03You are pathologically mistrustful of each other.
24:08Competitive to the point of madness.
24:14So trust me.
24:16Just meet each other at weddings and funerals,
24:22and the rest of the time,
24:24stay the hell away from each other.
24:29Now, I am going to limp to the nearest pub
24:34and drink until the rest of me is as numb as my ass.
24:50Bill,
24:52it's quite a diagnosis.
24:57Yes.
25:00But there's no denying it.
25:04We are vindictive and competitive.
25:09Petty, mistrustful.
25:12And as so often in these cases,
25:15took someone outside our situations who pointed out to us.
25:19Well, Dad always said it, but he has no credentials.
25:24Well, there's no arguing with Dr. Schachter's credentials.
25:28By God, the man is an expert in his field.
25:32Graduated from the University of...
25:39Grenada.
25:44Well, surely that was just his undergraduate schooling.
25:48Oh, yes, of course. His graduate work was done in...
25:53Aruba.
25:58An all-Caribbean schooling.
26:01Well, tolly me banana.
26:06I knew the man was a fraud the minute he opened his mouth.
26:09Oh, I'll have him out of his lease at the end of the week.
26:12Oh, Niles, we've still got time to catch a late lunch.
26:15Oh, Grace is just around the corner.
26:17Away we go.
26:19Oh, Shay, Shay is just as close.
26:21Yes, but the food at Paris is much better.
26:23Oh, Niles, compared to Shay, Shay, it's not for pigs.
26:26Oh, have you lost your mind?
26:28Oh, shut up.
26:32Hey, baby, I hear the flues are calling
26:34Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:39Mercy
26:40And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:43Well, maybe, but I got you pegged
26:48But I don't know what to do
26:51With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:56They're calling again
26:59Goodnight, Seattle, we love you