Frasier Season 7 Episode 12 RDWRER
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Oh, hello, Roz. Happy New Year. Or should I say, Happy New Millennium.
00:08Oh, Barf, I'm so sick of talking about it.
00:11Oh, now, Roz, let's not condemn the new millennium just because you woke up in it with a hangover.
00:18That's what ruined church for you.
00:21Decaf latte, please.
00:23I just hate how this arbitrary point on the calendar has become so significant.
00:28And as far as my hangover went, it was worth it.
00:32I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey.
00:38I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.
00:45And what did you do? Get all freaky and finish your list of the century's greatest thinkers?
00:50No, my New Year's was plenty exciting enough, thank you very much.
00:54Although, not exactly in a way I'd planned.
01:00Cancel the millennium. Chez Henri has burned down.
01:04Burned down?
01:06Yes. Apparently, Henri was caramelizing a huge creme brulee in the shape of Puget Sound.
01:16When a sugar spark ignited a 30-foot papier-mâché space needle.
01:20They're already calling it the worst centerpiece disaster in the history of Seattle.
01:26Henri built his reputation with that caramelizing torch.
01:30My God, the irony of him burning down his own restaurant with it.
01:36It's worthy of O. Henry.
01:38O. Henri.
01:43Please, Nas, it's too soon to joke.
01:46Please, Nas, it's too soon to joke.
01:49What exactly are we going to do tomorrow night?
01:52Every restaurant in town worth going to has been booked for months.
01:55Well, you know, you can join me and the boys at McGinny's.
01:58It's going to be a lot of fun. They're going to dye the beer green.
02:04Why would you do that on New Year's Eve?
02:06Oh, well, McGinny's going in for bypass next month, and he's afraid he might not make it out for St. Paddy's Day.
02:13This is a disaster.
02:15No, they'll just pop in another pig mouth.
02:19You know, the only reason he needs it is because he eats so much bacon,
02:22so the same thing that's killing him is keeping him alive.
02:27There's your O. Henry story.
02:32Well, maybe we can just stay in tomorrow night.
02:34On the most significant New Year's Eve of our lifetime? I think not.
02:40I should have just gone with Mel.
02:42She and her mother are taking a hot air balloon through the wine country.
02:48Well, not in the balloon, no, but I could have followed along in the recovery vehicle.
02:57Wait a minute. Speaking of wine, wasn't the wine club having some sort of a party?
03:03Yes, at Ken Lauerbach's place in Sun Valley. Oh, it's a huge event.
03:07Of course, Old Lang Wine.
03:10Miles, call and see if we're still invited.
03:12All right, I'm on it.
03:15Bloody hell.
03:18Five days after Christmas is over and I'm still getting these cards.
03:22They do it on purpose, you know.
03:24It's always from someone you've forgotten, then it's too late to send one back.
03:28Then they sneer at you for the rest of the year.
03:31Peace and goodwill, my arse.
03:35You've just lost yourself a customer, Dr. Naranescupta, DDS.
03:40Losing a set of English teeth, he'll feel that.
03:47This is for you, from the DMV.
03:49Oh, I know what this is, the custom plates I ordered for my Winnebago.
03:58Well, 50 bucks, but I think it says it all.
04:04Red...
04:08...warrior.
04:11Red...
04:12...warrior.
04:15Red wearer.
04:16Oh, for God's sake, robe warrior.
04:21Of course, for a retired man with a can in a Winnebago.
04:24I don't know why my mind didn't go straight to it.
04:29Huzzah!
04:30Hello, Daphne.
04:31Ken says he'd love to have us come, and the more the merrier.
04:35Oh, Niles, that's brilliant.
04:37Dad, please, please, won't you join us?
04:39You know what, let's call the travel agent.
04:41Not to rain on your parade, but you may have a tough time getting flights this late.
04:45Donny and I had a devil of a time getting our flights to San Francisco.
04:49Oh, Daphne, they always set aside a few choice seats for Seattle's travel elite.
05:01Pick a lane, road warrior!
05:05See, he got it!
05:15Ah, being on the road like this is like with three dusty hobos sharing a boxcar to parts unknown.
05:25Yes, well, if you don't take this next turn, we'll end up in California.
05:32You know, I do seem a little cranky.
05:34Well, perhaps that's because I was roasted out of a warm bed at the crack of dawn and herded onto a Winnebago.
05:43Better safe than sorry, Niles.
05:45You know, it's 650 miles to Sun Valley, and half of that's through the mountains.
05:51Half of that's through the mountains.
05:53By the way, how are you going to explain to the wine club our arriving in a Winnebago?
06:00Just chalk it off to whimsy, Niles. We'll call it our van-ordinaire.
06:08You know, besides, I'm actually enjoying this little trip to the heartland.
06:12I feel a bit out of touch with the common man. It's nice to reconnect.
06:16Hmm.
06:19Well, while you're reconnecting, why don't you let me drive?
06:26I would, Niles. It's just that I need you to navigate.
06:30Yeah, you're the most important member of our crew, good buddy.
06:37The man with the map.
06:40Stop patronizing me. I want to drive.
06:42No, you're not good with big cars, Niles.
06:46Remember when I tried to teach you to drive my LeSabre, you kept panicking and pulling on the emergency brake.
06:53Well, it's a good thing I did. Those mailboxes weren't even slowing me down.
07:00Oh, did you see that sign? Little Red Cabin.
07:03You remember those diners?
07:06Home of the log roller.
07:08A flank steak wrapped around a combination of eggs, cheese, and onions.
07:15You kids used to love eating there.
07:17You'd scream out at me, Dad, pull over, quick, pull over!
07:24Actually, Dad, that was after we ate.
07:35Oh, Niles. I thought you were sleeping.
07:48I was trying to, but Dad wanted to watch the VCR.
07:52Oh, good Lord. Not robbing in the Seven Hoods again.
08:00Worse.
08:01Yeah, baby, now that was a shagadelic flick.
08:08You know, Dad, if you're quite done, I think I'll try to take a nap.
08:12Oh, behave.
08:21You know, Dad, do you realize that the Austin Powers craze is completely over?
08:26Well, I'm sorry, do I bore you? Or do I make you randy?
08:30Oh.
08:39Hello?
08:42Yes, Niles?
08:47I'm driving as smoothly as I can.
08:52Any other little driving tips you'd like to give me?
08:55Why don't you just come up here and tell me to my face?
09:00Hey, look, another little red cabin sign.
09:03You know, we're not going to find anything better to eat on this highway.
09:06Oh, let's not be hasty, Dad.
09:08It's five miles away, we might run over something before then.
09:18You know, I am so tired I can barely read this menu.
09:22It's all right, Niles, you don't have to read.
09:24You can just point to a picture of the food you want.
09:28What's this? A log roller with your choice of cheese?
09:32You can't have a log roller without American cheese.
09:35Apparently you can't get anything in this restaurant without American cheese.
09:39Including the menu.
09:43Niles, you're so tired, why don't you go back to the road warrior, take a nap?
09:48Oh, you know, that's a good idea.
09:51At least it'll be quiet.
09:53At least it'll be quiet.
09:55I wonder if we can still get sticky shingles here.
09:59One look at the salad bar says yes.
10:04Well, it looks good to be fresh.
10:06Actually, Dad, you know, I think I'll have...
10:10a hamburger.
10:16Will you order that for me, Dad?
10:17Yeah, are you going someplace?
10:19Matter of fact, I am.
10:21I'm gonna take a chance and reacquaint myself...
10:24with an old friend of mine.
10:27America.
10:37Hello there.
10:40Could I borrow you a cup of coffee?
10:44See, I'm just a...
10:46wandering city mouse...
10:49trying to get in touch with America.
10:52Now you, you look like you'd be a farmer.
10:55Oh, I get it.
10:57You see a guy in a rural diner wearing shabby clothes, you pin your little label on him.
11:03Well, guess what?
11:05I am a farmer.
11:07But I'm also a beautiful, flawed, complicated human being.
11:12And it's gonna take more than a cup of coffee to get inside here.
11:17I'll just go see how my father's doing.
11:23So, how was he?
11:26Beautiful, flawed, unpleasant.
11:31Well, according to the map, it's about 300 miles to Sun Valley.
11:35Oh, that's delightful, Dad. You know what? We'll get there in plenty of time for the party.
11:39Listen, you know, your brother's gonna be hungry. Maybe we should bring him a sandwich.
11:42I wouldn't worry about Niles, Dad.
11:44So tired he was, let's just let him sleep for the rest of the trip.
11:47You sure?
11:48Oh, sure.
11:49It's the most exciting day of the year, Dad. For God's sakes, you know.
11:53When Niles wakes up, I guarantee you the last thing he'll be thinking about is sandwiches.
12:09Oh, my goodness.
12:12Look what I just found in my pocket.
12:14The lighter I borrowed from that waitress in the restaurant. I feel terrible.
12:19Forget it, Mother. We're not taking it back.
12:27Well, I really think we should just turn around and say we're sorry and return it.
12:33I think we ought to keep it. Our old one's nearly out of fuel anyway.
12:39That doesn't make it right. We're still criminals in the eyes of the law.
12:46A lot worse criminals than you and me.
12:49Remember that last gun show we went to?
12:52We must have seen at least three different people swiping boxes of shells.
12:57There's one thing you can say for us, we pay for our ammo.
13:10So, this party tonight, gonna be a lot of shagnificent birds?
13:19Dad, I'm begging you.
13:29Hello? Niles, would you please stop doing this?
13:34I'm getting a little drowsy.
13:37Well, if you're so tired, just scooch over. I'll take the wheel.
13:41Okay.
13:51Yes, yes, hello. I'm being kidnapped. This is an emergency. I'm being kidnapped.
13:56I'm in a stolen Winnebago heading east on I-84.
14:00Heading east on I-84. I can't talk any louder, I'm being stolen.
14:07Yes. Washington plates. R-D-W-R-E-R. World Warrior.
14:16Yes, it does.
14:18It does. So, sound it out.
14:22Never mind. Oh, for God's sake, just save me.
14:26Oh, I'm getting too sleepy. I'm going back for a little lie down.
14:34Oh, wait, Dad. Look, there's another one of those little red cabins.
14:38Why don't we just stop and have some supper first?
14:40Because I'm tired and I'm not hungry.
14:44Clever.
14:47Well, I guess a sandwich wouldn't kill me.
14:56I feel sort of funny even stopping here. It's a little like returning to the scene of the crime.
15:01Mother, let it go.
15:25Let it go.
15:56All right, Eddie. Let's go sign nature's guest book.
16:10Hello?
16:12Frazier?
16:13Yes?
16:14Niles, put your fears to rest. I've got Dad's Winnebago back.
16:21Niles, what on earth are you talking about? You must have had a nightmare.
16:27Indeed I have, but it's over now and I managed to give the thugs a taste of their own thieving medicine.
16:36Niles! Niles, where are you calling from?
16:41From behind the wheel of the Road Warrior.
16:46And doing a damn fine job driving, I might add.
16:51But I'm in the Road Warrior! You got in the wrong car, you idiot! You've stolen a Winnebago!
16:59Don't be absurd.
17:03Oh, my God!
17:18All right, Niles, just keep your head. There's no need to panic.
17:22This is the police.
17:25Niles, just keep your head. There's no need to panic.
17:28This is the police.
17:31Take to your vehicle immediately with your hands above your head.
17:56How's that turkey float, Dad?
17:59A little dry.
18:16Sorry about the misunderstanding, but these papers all checked out, sir.
18:23These papers all checked out, sir.
18:25Well, if there's nothing else, we're in a hurry to get to Sun Valley.
18:28But not too much of a hurry.
18:32Well, drive safely.
18:36What a clown. I could tell you ten things he did wrong right off the bat.
18:40Well, at least he was apologetic.
18:42Oh, these hick towns will give any bozo a badge.
18:45A goober like that wouldn't waste ten minutes in a real police force.
18:52Without getting a promotion.
18:58Your license.
19:09Hello?
19:10Hello, Frazier. I've managed to solve the problem. I returned to Winnebago.
19:14To where? Where are you?
19:17I'm in Baker City, Oregon.
19:19Baker City?
19:20Shag me rotten, that's 300 miles.
19:26Miles, we will never get there and then back to Sun Valley before midnight.
19:30Well, I'm not going to ring in the New Year in a little red cabin.
19:35All right, all right, listen.
19:37The only way we can ever pull this off is if you can catch a ride in this direction.
19:42Hold on, hold on.
19:46Oh, my gosh, it's engraved.
19:49Dad, I'm not going to enjoy the rest of this trip until we return that woman's lighter.
19:54Mother, do you expect me to turn around and drive 150 miles back to that little red cabin?
20:02We are not going.
20:04End of discussion.
20:08Clifford.
20:14Good news, I'm on my way.
20:19Miles says he can make it back to the restaurant where we first got separated.
20:23All I have to do now is turn this boat around.
20:2630 miles to the next exit.
20:28I can't wait that long.
20:30Well, you can't do a Yui on an interstate.
20:32That's 20th century talk, Dad.
20:35Welcome to the future.
20:50God, that felt great.
20:53Wow, this is really quite an adventure, isn't it, Dad?
21:01It is now.
21:03Oh, dear God.
21:05All right, just relax, patient.
21:07Now, I know cops.
21:09Just let me do the talking. We'll be out of here in two minutes.
21:11All right, Dad, let's switch.
21:20Well, look who's here.
21:24You boys know what you did wrong back there?
21:26Yeah, yeah, I know. You turn.
21:29Nope. Called me a goober.
21:50Oh, Niles.
21:53I'm so sorry we're late.
21:55Oh, well, not to worry.
21:57When you're here at the crossroads of the world,
21:59you have the human drama to amuse you.
22:02Well, happy new year, boys.
22:05Five minutes ago?
22:07Everyone in the world will have a wonderful story to tell
22:10about where they were and what they were doing when the millennium dawned.
22:14What is our story?
22:18Speeding along a lonely highway.
22:21And you here, doing nothing.
22:24Well, not exactly nothing.
22:26Big Sandy let me watch the register while she emptied the rat traps.
22:36Hey, wait a minute. Where are we?
22:39Well, Dad, I've never seen a picture of the official middle of nowhere, but I'd be...
22:43Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the middle of nowhere mountain time, right?
22:46It's still only 1105 pacific time.
22:50Which can't be more than 45 minutes from here.
22:52Right. We can cross the line and toast in the new year's together.
22:55Dad, that's brilliant.
22:57And there was a delightful-looking little restaurant just across the border.
23:00Well, the guidebook said it was pretentious.
23:02Perfect. Let's roll.
23:05We're running out of time.
23:07Well, I'm doing my best to praise you, but we seem to be losing power.
23:11What is that noise?
23:13What's wrong with the engine?
23:15I didn't touch the emergency brake.
23:18When was the last time you put gas in this thing?
23:20Me? I don't even know where the thing is to put the gas into.
23:24Oh, no.
23:26I'm sorry, boys. It's dying. I'm going to be lucky to get this off the road.
23:31I can't stand this.
23:34Are we so afraid of the millennium gods that they will do anything to ruin this evening?
23:39Burn down our restaurant?
23:41Hurl vindictive lawmen and duplicate Winnebago's in our path to confound us.
23:48Is that a sign?
23:50Of course it's a sign. It's a sign that we're cursed.
23:53No, no, no. It's a sign.
23:55We're entering Pacific time zone.
23:58Oh, my God. We're here.
24:00We made it. We made it.
24:03Come on, Eddie.
24:05Oh, 30 seconds to spare.
24:07All right.
24:09We're rolling. We're rolling backwards.
24:12Oh, no!
24:13You don't need to panic, Frasier.
24:20We rolled back into Idaho.
24:23Follow me.
24:28Ten seconds. Let's look alive.
24:32Damn, this foil.
24:34You can do it, Frasier. Relax and focus.
24:37Three, two, one.
24:42We made it.
24:44Happy New Year, boys.
24:46Happy New Year.
24:48Well, if you ask me, this beats a dull party.
24:53Family and good champagne and a blanket of stars.
24:58You're here.
25:01Hey.
25:03You know what?
25:05I think this calls for a song.
25:08Should old acquaintance be forgot
25:14And never brought to mind
25:20Should...
25:22Should...
25:28Should old acquaintance be forgot
25:32For the wild ride
25:41Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
25:44Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:47Oh, my
25:49Hey, baby, I seem a bit confused
25:52Well, maybe, but I got you picked
25:55Ha, ha, ha, ha
25:58But I don't know what to do
26:00With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:05They're callin' again
26:08Good night, Seattle. We love you.