Frasier Season 3 Episode 22 Frasier Loves Roz
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00:00Go ahead, Tom. I'm listening.
00:02Hi, Dr. Crane.
00:04Uh...
00:05It's about my girlfriend.
00:07My problem is I don't know if I love her for herself
00:10or because things are so great between us physically.
00:13Well, how long you two been together?
00:15Six years.
00:19And the sex is still that good?
00:25Oh, man, Dr. Crane, every morning, night,
00:28three times a day on weekends.
00:30I'm not sure we have much else in common.
00:33Well, common interests are, of course,
00:35the foundation of...
00:36Three times, you say?
00:41Is that abnormal?
00:42Well, no, no, it's not abnormal.
00:47It's not fair if it's not abnormal.
00:52But, you know, perhaps you share more things
00:55than you think you do, actually.
00:57I tell you what, try this.
00:59Why don't you pick up a catalog from the local university,
01:02go through it with her,
01:03and see if there are any courses you'd like to take together?
01:06That's a good idea.
01:08Thanks, Doc. Have a great weekend.
01:10Well, I wish you the same, but it hardly seems necessary.
01:16Well, that's it for today, Seattle.
01:18This is Dr. Frazier Crane wishing you all good mental health.
01:23Niall's called from the airport.
01:25He wants you to call him back.
01:26He sounded frantic.
01:28I'll call him from the car.
01:30Yes, he's flying to a conference in Switzerland.
01:33I promised to talk him through it.
01:35Surely he's flown before.
01:37Well, not coach.
01:39Oh.
01:44Well, is this the dress you're wearing to the wedding?
01:48I have to. I'm a bridesmaid.
01:50Is there a reason it has to be so...
01:53Hideous?
01:55It's supposed to be.
01:56So that way the bride, by comparison, will glow.
02:03Next to this baby, she'll light up like a bug zapper.
02:08You know, of all my friends in Wisconsin,
02:10this girl's the last one I thought would beat me to the altar.
02:14Not the Dairy State's comeliest chunk of cheddar?
02:18Let's just say she works in her father's ice cream parlor
02:21and she eats her mistakes.
02:24The groom's family makes cones.
02:26Oh, well, we don't need Freud for that, do we?
02:31Oh, the whole thing is just so depressing.
02:35Lately, everyone I know is settling down,
02:39getting married, having children.
02:42What am I doing wrong?
02:45Oh, do you want me to answer as a friend or a therapist?
02:48As a friend.
02:50See a therapist.
02:51Raise your hand.
02:53Well, Ross, I think your whole problem
02:55stems from some unresolved issues
02:58that cause you to choose the men you date.
03:01Always flashy and superficial,
03:03offering no prospect of a lasting relationship.
03:07Why would I do that?
03:09Maybe fear of commitment.
03:11Fear of being hurt.
03:13Maybe it's time you started looking at different kinds of men.
03:18You know, men who are more settled.
03:21A little less flash and more substance.
03:25You're probably right, Fraser.
03:27You know, if I were smart, I'd go out with the next guy
03:29and see I'm not the least bit attracted to him.
03:36Bob, Bob, I just bit my tongue.
03:38Can you kiss it and make it better?
03:41The next one after him.
03:45Oh, Doc, Doc, here's my video camera.
03:48Thank you, Bulldog.
03:49What do you need it for?
03:50Well, I'm going to record my father.
03:52I want to have his life on tape
03:54so that Frederick can enjoy it in years to come.
03:56What a good idea.
03:58Whoa!
03:59That's the ugliest thing I ever saw.
04:01I'm going to a wedding.
04:03Oh, I love weddings.
04:04Never been to a wedding where I didn't bag
04:06at least one bridesmaid.
04:08And the uglier the dress,
04:09the quicker they want to get out of them.
04:13This one had hit the floor before the rice.
04:16I got to get going.
04:18Can you believe I actually have to be seen
04:20in public in this thing?
04:22No, Roz, it's only for a few hours.
04:24After that, you can donate it to the Salvation Army
04:27and one day make some Irish drag queen very happy.
04:38What's the point of going to Switzerland
04:40without spending a day on the slopes?
04:42So I ducked out of the conference
04:44and who should I run into but Maris.
04:48She'd just flown in for her yearly goat placenta treatments.
04:54Good Lord, is it placenta treatment time again already?
04:59We had a set to on the slopes.
05:01She ran.
05:02I tried to follow her tracks in the snow,
05:04but alas, she made none.
05:10Oh, dear.
05:12What is it? What's the matter?
05:13I just spotted someone.
05:16My least favorite patient.
05:18The man is a compulsive womanizer.
05:20He goes through so many women,
05:22he calls them all by the same odious nickname,
05:24Sunshine, to avoid slip-ups.
05:27Oh, God.
05:28Frasier, what do you do when you don't like a patient?
05:32Wow, it's a tricky subject, isn't it?
05:35How long have you been seeing him?
05:37Six months. We've made no progress whatsoever.
05:39Sometimes I feel he comes in not so much for help as to brag.
05:44He claims to have been with, at last count,
05:47one hundred and fifty women.
05:49Oh, please, a hundred and fifty.
05:53As if anything over, say, seven weren't absurd.
06:00Well, I would say eleven, but I get your point.
06:10Oh?
06:11Now serving one hundred and fifty-one.
06:16Oh, God.
06:17Is he in cirrhosis?
06:19Yes, well, no doubt they met when Sealy Postropedic
06:21named them Man and Woman of the Year.
06:25Files, you don't understand.
06:27She's been very vulnerable lately.
06:30Well, I hope you'll forgive me if I don't stick around.
06:32I'd like to leave before she makes introductions.
06:34I've got to warn her.
06:36Well, warn her how?
06:39But I just told you it was in strict confidence,
06:41therapist to therapist, you can't go repeating it.
06:43But, no.
06:45Oh, all right, all right, of course, all right, but...
06:48Jeez, that is the last man that Ross should be with.
06:53Don't worry, knowing Ross, he won't be.
06:58Hey, Frazier.
07:00Oh, Ross.
07:01I'd like to introduce you to someone.
07:03This is Ben Collins.
07:05Frazier Crane.
07:07Frazier.
07:08Likewise.
07:09Is it all right if we join you?
07:10Oh, why not?
07:12I'll grab our coffees.
07:13Great.
07:17He is the greatest guy.
07:20You know, when I first met him, I thought,
07:22he's not my type, but then I remembered what you said.
07:25And I'm so glad you gave me that advice, Frazier,
07:28because without it, I would have never given him a second look.
07:31Well, Ross, let's not rule out that all-important third look.
07:36Would you stop worrying about me, Frazier?
07:38This one's different.
07:40I can tell he really cares about me.
07:42Here you go, sunshine.
07:58Why can't you be like other dogs?
08:00Why can't you bring home bones or animals you kill?
08:06Give me those.
08:09Just relax.
08:11I'm just going to put them with the roses you picked yesterday.
08:16Oh, hey, Dad.
08:17Fresh from your walk?
08:19I think now might be as good a time as any to crank up the old camcorder.
08:23Nah, maybe later.
08:25Oh, Dad, you've been saying no for weeks now.
08:28Oh, gee, some people would take that for a hint.
08:32All you have to do is just sit here and talk about your life.
08:35Life's got nothing to do with it.
08:37This is about me dying and you having something to look at after I'm dead.
08:41The whole thing gives me the creeps.
08:44I can't believe you're refusing to record your history,
08:48a story that only you, Martin Crane, can tell,
08:52because it gives you the creeps.
08:54Okay, then, I'll tell you the real truth.
08:57My Indian heritage forbids it.
09:01I'm afraid your magic box will rob me of my spirit.
09:08I don't know why you're being so negative about this.
09:10It's not really for when you're dead.
09:12It's for when you've lost your mind.
09:16Hey, Frazier.
09:17Oh, hello, Ross.
09:19Why, after waiting for 45 minutes,
09:21did I assume you'd forgotten our appointment?
09:23Sorry, but, uh, you know, I was on my way out and Ben called.
09:27Yes, Ben.
09:28Oh, what's with you?
09:30Every time I bring him up, you make that face,
09:33getting the sense that you don't like him that much.
09:36It's just that I know something about Ben.
09:39What?
09:40Well, he's a little old for you.
09:43He's 36.
09:45That's exactly my point.
09:46When you were a freshman, he was a senior.
09:48That never works out.
09:49I'm getting my briefcase.
09:51I'll go get a Coke.
09:53Oh, hey, Daphne.
09:54Hello, Ross.
09:55How are you?
09:56Okay.
09:57Can I ask you something?
09:59Does Frazier seem weird to you?
10:02Oh, God, yes.
10:06I didn't finish my question yet.
10:08Yes, well, when you know the answer,
10:10it's hard not to hit the buzzer.
10:14Well, this is strange.
10:16I mean, for the first time in years,
10:18I'm in a room with Ben.
10:20I mean, for the first time in years,
10:22I'm in a really solid relationship,
10:24and instead of being happy for me,
10:26Frazier seems upset.
10:28Well, that's his odd.
10:32Unless...
10:34Unless what?
10:36Well, Dr. Crane is jealous of Ben
10:40because he wants you for himself.
10:42Huh?
10:44Oh, no.
10:47What?
10:49What's that supposed to mean?
10:51Frazier?
10:52What, you really think so?
10:54Daphne, no.
10:56No way.
10:57No, he doesn't.
10:58Frazier is the one who told me
11:00to find myself a new boyfriend.
11:02Someone who is settled,
11:03someone more nurturing,
11:04someone with substance over flash.
11:07They could put that on Dr. Crane's tombstone.
11:11Oh, come on.
11:12No way.
11:14There's something else.
11:15What?
11:16I probably shouldn't tell you this,
11:18but earlier this morning,
11:20Dr. Crane was on the phone with his brother,
11:22and he said that your relationship with Ben
11:25was driving him crazy,
11:27and that he was dying to tell you,
11:28but he can't.
11:30Oh, my God!
11:31Did you hear him say that?
11:33I certainly didn't.
11:35Oh, this is too weird.
11:36This is too weird.
11:37What am I going to say?
11:39Maybe I don't have to say anything.
11:40Maybe he'll just see how happy I am with Ben.
11:42Oh, Ben, Ben, Ben.
11:44My God.
11:45Just drop it with Ben for a minute
11:47and pay some attention to me.
11:51Okay.
12:02Morning, Cross.
12:04Hi, Fraser.
12:05You look lovely.
12:06That powder is very flattering.
12:08Thanks.
12:09You know, I think this calls for a hug.
12:11Oh, I don't look that good.
12:13No, no, no.
12:15No, Roz.
12:16Look.
12:17My God, the ratings are in,
12:18and we did better on our time slot this week
12:20than ever before.
12:21I mean, congratulations, partner.
12:26Say, you know,
12:27why don't we have dinner tonight?
12:29Celebrate.
12:30That sounds so fun,
12:32but I can't have plans.
12:35Should have known.
12:37Another time, perhaps.
12:39Yeah, sure.
12:40That sounds great.
12:42Yo, Doc,
12:43when are you going to return my video camera?
12:45I got a hot date tonight,
12:46and I want to record certain events for posterity,
12:49if you know what I mean.
12:51Tomorrow, Bulldog.
12:53Well, maybe tonight you could just have
12:55a police sketch artist crouch on your balcony.
13:02So, Mom, let me ask you something.
13:04How long did you know Dad
13:06before you told him you loved him?
13:08Mom?
13:09Mom?
13:10Mom, you've been divorced 15 years.
13:12Let it go.
13:16Listen, Ben is coming over to dinner tonight,
13:19and I think I'm going to tell him I love him.
13:22Oh, I have to get to work.
13:24Bye.
13:25Oh, I'm sorry, Roz.
13:27I should have knocked.
13:28It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
13:30I couldn't help overhearing
13:33the last part of your conversation there.
13:37You think maybe you're not rushing things
13:39a little bit, Ben?
13:40I mean, are you really that serious?
13:43Yes, I am.
13:45Yes, well, you know,
13:47there's a lot of other men in the world.
13:49And lots of women, too.
13:54Well, that's more of a personal preference,
13:56but I, you know...
13:59I meant for you.
14:02Look, Frazier,
14:04what I'm trying to say is
14:06I know you have a problem with me and Ben,
14:08but we're happy together.
14:11Well, it's just you've only been going out for a month.
14:14Well, sometimes that's all it takes.
14:18Fifteen seconds.
14:20Listen, Frazier,
14:23I'd like to think there's some small part of you
14:26that's happy for me.
14:28After all, it was your advice that caught me this far.
14:32Of course I'm happy for you.
14:35Thanks.
14:39Me and my stupid advice.
14:44We'll be with you for the next three hours, Seattle.
14:52I'm not doing it. It's morbid.
14:54It's not morbid.
14:56And besides, if you don't do it,
14:58the only footage we'll have of you in the family archives
15:00is you pretending your stomach was a face
15:02that summer at the lake.
15:05All right, Niles, if it'll shut you up, I'll do it.
15:08Thanks, Dad.
15:10We'll make this quick and easy.
15:13Is that what you're wearing?
15:15Forget it.
15:17Here we go. Here we go.
15:22My name's Martin Crane.
15:24When I made this tape, I was 64 years old.
15:29But now I'm dead.
15:35Trapped in a box underground.
15:40Pretty scary, huh?
15:46Dad, surely you must have some message
15:49you want to leave for the Cranes of the 21st century?
15:51All right, all right, I do.
15:57Remember to always work hard,
15:59and that family comes first.
16:03And I have a million bucks
16:07in unmarked bills
16:09that I took off a drug dealer
16:11that I have stashed in my old army footlocker.
16:16The combination is
16:18left 15,
16:20right 32,
16:22left...
16:24right 32,
16:26left...
16:44Future generations, see what I had to put up with?
16:50Hello.
16:51I suppose this means we're finished?
16:53Well, unless you want future generations
16:55to see me go to the can.
16:58Niles, actually, I'm glad you're here.
17:00I have to talk to you about Roz.
17:02Oh, no, no, no.
17:03I've reached my ethics once already.
17:04I'm not doing it any...
17:05Things have gotten desperate.
17:06No, no, no.
17:07Niles, she plans to tell him that she loves him tonight.
17:11Given what you've told me about Ben's patents,
17:14that will be the end of it,
17:15and Roz will be shattered.
17:17There's got to be some loophole
17:20in this confidentiality rule
17:22that will allow me to warn her
17:23and still preserve your ethics.
17:26Niles!
17:27Help me go through these textbooks.
17:30No, I'll have no part in this.
17:31Please, Niles!
17:32Think of Roz!
17:33I'm thinking of my license.
17:35Well, then, think of what Freud said.
17:37We are never so helplessly unhappy
17:39as when we lose love.
17:46Oh, all right.
17:48But that was dirty pool using a Freud quote.
17:51I'm sorry.
17:54It's the crane boy's kryptonite.
17:56I know, I know.
17:58Thank you.
18:02Say, here's a possibility.
18:04According to this,
18:05it says we can warn her
18:07if he plans to do her bodily harm.
18:10Does he?
18:11No.
18:12Damn!
18:15It'd be so much easier if Roz were mentally incompetent.
18:22Go on.
18:24Well, then there'd be some justification
18:26for protecting her.
18:29Is she irrational?
18:31She did attack a vending machine once.
18:35When a Twinkie came out of the odor chute.
18:38Borderline, borderline.
18:40Does she ever act delusional?
18:42Well, she often claims that she's responsible
18:44for the success of our show.
18:45Building, building.
18:46Well, yeah, that's true.
18:48Well, building.
18:50Does she display below-average intelligence?
18:53She once ordered a bottle of white Zinfandel.
18:57Jackpot!
18:59Go to her, she's a threat to herself.
19:01Maybe even let the woman drive.
19:07Who is it?
19:08It's Frasier.
19:14Oh, my God, what happened?
19:17He dumped me, Frasier.
19:20Oh, honey.
19:24Come here.
19:25Oh, God.
19:28Everything was going great
19:30until I said, I love you, Ben.
19:33Then he got this look on his face
19:35like he'd taken a wrong turn
19:37in a really bad neighborhood.
19:43He didn't even touch the champagne.
19:47Oh, I'm sorry, Roz.
19:51Here.
19:52Oh, thank you.
19:55When you...
20:02When you professed your love for him,
20:07were you dressed like that?
20:10No.
20:13After he left, I went in to change.
20:15I saw all these old bridesmaid dresses
20:18hanging in the closet.
20:21That's when it hit me.
20:23That's what I am.
20:25A bridesmaid.
20:27I might as well wear the uniform.
20:29Oh, Roz.
20:32No, no, no, no.
20:34Come on, come on.
20:37Now, look, look, you know,
20:39I find that whatever I'm low,
20:41it always lifts my spirits
20:43when I just spruce up a bit.
20:46Wouldn't hurt to, uh,
20:48run a brush through your hair.
20:52Or through your teeth.
20:54Oh, God!
20:57I must look awful.
20:59No, uh, no, no, not at all.
21:02You're a big, fat liar.
21:07But you were right about Ben.
21:10And I just didn't see it.
21:14What made you come over here anyway?
21:17Well, actually, I was
21:19coming over to take one last stab
21:22at convincing you that Ben was the wrong man for you.
21:26You deserve someone better, Roz.
21:29Oh, yeah.
21:30I'm a real catch.
21:40No.
21:42No.
21:43No, no.
21:49Things really aren't all as dark as they seem.
21:53You know, you're a beautiful, intelligent, desirable...
22:01Let me just take a stab at that.
22:05I can't imagine any man not thinking himself
22:08the luckiest in the world to be with you.
22:11You really do think that, don't you?
22:14Yes, I'm surprised you even have to ask that.
22:17I guess I didn't.
22:20I've known that you've had these romantic feelings
22:23toward me for a while.
22:31What?
22:32Oh, come on.
22:34Don't deny it.
22:36Those hints about finding someone
22:38with substance over style
22:40and the way you hated Ben.
22:43And then Daphne told me she overheard you telling Niles
22:46that you couldn't stop thinking about me
22:49and wanted to tell me the truth.
22:51Daphne told you that?
22:52No, yeah, I told my manager.
22:53Well, no, no, I'm not.
22:54It's just that when she said that...
22:56No, it's okay, Fraser.
22:57I'm glad she told me.
23:00The only thing keeping me
23:02from completely falling apart right now
23:04is knowing that someone like you
23:07could be interested in me.
23:11Well, then there's...
23:15no point in denying it, is there?
23:28No.
23:30Maybe the idea of you and me isn't so crazy.
23:34You are the kind of man
23:37I should be with.
23:39Smart, gentle...
23:42Ow, I said gentle!
23:44Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
23:46I'm sorry, Roz.
23:48You know, it's just that there are so many...
23:50I know, I know.
23:52Workplace romances always fail.
23:54Exactly my point.
23:56And I'm on the rebound.
23:58I've got to give myself time to heal.
24:00Yes, yes, lots of time.
24:03On the other hand,
24:04you are the one who always says
24:06the best relationships start with friendship.
24:09Well, I do say that.
24:11Yes, it's true, but...
24:13Well, we are friends, aren't we?
24:17We're very good friends.
24:19Right now, we are both free.
24:21Well, in my case, it's painfully free.
24:27You know, it's just that
24:29painfully free.
24:32You know, maybe if we
24:34both went into it with our eyes open...
24:44No, what am I saying?
24:46It's just crazy.
24:48My relationship with you
24:50is probably the healthiest one
24:52I've ever had with a man.
24:54I don't want to screw that up.
24:56Now that you mention it,
24:58my relationship with you is probably
25:00the best one I've ever had with a woman.
25:03Not that it's been much of a horse race, but...
25:12It's friendship.
25:18Here's hoping.
25:21The next time you tell a man you love him,
25:24he says it back.
25:29Well, let's see.
25:32I love you, Frasier.
25:36I love you too, Rose.
25:40You gonna be all right?
25:42Yeah.
25:43Well, I'd better run.
25:45Yeah, my saying I love you
25:47seems to have that effect on people.
25:50No, no, I'll...
25:52I'll stay if you like.
25:54No, no, don't you worry about me.
25:56I will not be alone.
25:58I will be sliding into a hot tub
26:00with my good friends, Ben and Jerry.
26:05See you tomorrow, Rose.
26:07See you, Frasier.
26:27Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
26:29Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:34Mercy
26:36And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:38Well, maybe
26:40But I got you pegged
26:44But I don't know what to do
26:46With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:49Mercy
26:51And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:54With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:59They're calling again
27:02Goodnight, everybody!