Frasier Season 11 Episode 1 No Sex Please, We Are Skittish
Frasier Season 11 Episode 1 No Sex Please, We Are Skittish
Transcript
00:00You trying to save Frasier from me or are you trying to save him for yourself?
00:07Are you out of your mind?
00:10You in love with him?
00:11It's her or me! Tell me now or I swear to God I will walk out of here and I will not come back!
00:17There's no chance you'll change your mind again, is there?
00:20No. KACL is ancient history.
00:24Niles, I need to talk to you. You're not with Frasier, are you?
00:34Why does everybody treat us like we're joined at the hip? I do have coffee with people other than my brother, you know.
00:40Good. Because I'm avoiding him.
00:42Well, then talk fast. He's meeting me in five minutes.
00:45It's about my new job. It's a nightmare.
00:49Didn't you just start today?
00:51Yes. My boss already hit on me. I'm supposed to work nights and weekends.
00:56And my assistant is an idiot and I can't fire her because she's like three minorities rolled into one.
01:05I can't believe I left KACL over some stupid snit.
01:10Oh, yes, yes. Your ultimatum. Frasier told me about that.
01:14Listen, this isn't an easy subject to broach, but is it possible you're in love with Frasier?
01:21Absolutely not.
01:23You sound sure.
01:24I am sure. I mean, if I were going to fall for him, it would have been two years ago when we slept together.
01:29Well, then another theory I'd like to explore is hold back up.
01:36You and Frasier slept together?
01:39He didn't tell you?
01:40No.
01:44I suppose it's only natural when the wolf and the lamb work together.
01:48It's only a matter of time before the wolf gets his way. I hope you were gentle with him.
01:55Just promise me you won't tell him I told you.
01:58I promise. I promise. So you're not in love, but your behavior last night clearly indicates some sort of crisis.
02:05I just want my job back. I'm not looking for some big therapy trip.
02:10All right. Well, why don't you just sweep your emotions under the rug and waltz back to the station as if nothing ever happened?
02:18That's perfect. Thanks.
02:21No, no. I was being facetious. My real advice would be...
02:24I know. Talk about my feelings. Blah, blah, wolf, wolf. I gotta go, Niles. Thanks again.
02:30Oh, hey, Russell.
02:32Hello, darling.
02:34Hey, you.
02:36Well, we're all set. I got us a home pregnancy test, a basal body thermometer, an ovulation kit.
02:46Perfect. I can upload all your data into this fertility program I bought.
02:51You kids sure know how to keep the romance alive. Two coffees, please.
02:57Since when do you need a chemistry set to make a baby?
03:00I hear an In My Day coming.
03:02In My Day, it was simple.
03:04Girl would put on something slinky, guy comes home, has a couple of pops, throws some Dean Martin on the hi-fi,
03:10and bim-bam-boom, you're lighting a lucky.
03:14Oh, Dad.
03:15Daphne.
03:16Hi.
03:17How you doing?
03:18Listen, Niles, I've got to cancel our date. I have to meet Roger's replacement over at the station before the show.
03:24What's this? Are you pregnant?
03:27Oh, not yet, but we're trying.
03:29Oh, well, congratulations. You've got all the fertility software and so forth.
03:35Of course, we're not animals.
03:39We're very excited.
03:41Yes, we were up half the night imagining life with our first child.
03:44Oh, well, first child you know about.
03:47What does that mean?
03:49Well, it's not what you think, Daphne. I was just referring to the time when Niles sold his sperm to a sperm bank.
03:55Surely you told her about it.
04:00Off I go.
04:04You sold your sperm?
04:06Well, it was when I was home from medical school. I saw an ad for sperm donors, so I sold my sperm to the sperm bank.
04:13Will you stop using that word?
04:17Say S.
04:23I sold my S to earn some money so I could buy Dad a Christmas present.
04:29Which present?
04:31The fishing pole.
04:33You bought that with S money?
04:38Why didn't you tell me?
04:40Oh, it was such a long time ago, it completely slipped my mind. You're not really upset, are you?
04:44Well, of course I am. That was my favourite pole.
04:50I just thought this would be the first child for both of us. You could be a daddy already.
04:56There could be dozens of little Niles cranes running around. He could be your son. Or him.
05:03Oh, please, they look nothing like me. Besides, I only went down there one time. It's possible they never used my sample.
05:11Can I borrow your sugar?
05:13Yeah.
05:17I'd better look into this.
05:31There she is. Now, I gotta warn you, Doc, she's, uh, in a wheelchair way.
05:40Does her handicap preclude her from understanding pig Latin?
05:49Dr. Frasier Crane, King of the Shrinks, meet Dana Willoughby, Queen of the Soundboards.
05:53Hello, Dana.
05:54Oh, it's my pleasure.
05:55Likewise, I'm sure. Listen, if you have any questions, anything you'd like to know, please feel free to call on me. I'm here for you.
06:02You know, actually, there was one thing...
06:04Will you excuse me?
06:06Julia.
06:08Oh, hi, Frasier.
06:09Listen, we're still out for dinner at Chez Henri tonight?
06:11Yes, of course. Do you have a reservation?
06:13Not as long as you're wearing something black and slinky.
06:16Ten seconds, Dr. Crane.
06:19Listen, why don't you, uh, stop by my place tonight for cocktail first?
06:23I'll see you at seven.
06:24Okay.
06:31Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. Our topic today is...
06:38New Beginnings.
06:40I'd like you all to join me in welcoming a new member to the KACL family.
06:45Hey, Kenny. Sorry I'm late.
06:47Hey, Russ.
06:48Whoa! Whoa!
06:50What are you doing here?
06:51I work here.
06:52You quit!
06:53Oh, come on, Kenny. If I quit, would I be here?
06:56Who's that?
06:59I'm sorry. I hired her because I thought... Didn't you quit?
07:03Kenny, what's wrong with you?
07:05Never mind. I'll fix it like always.
07:08Oh, thanks, Ross. I owe you one.
07:12As many of you may know, my producer of ten years, Ross Doyle, has left us for greener pastures.
07:21You know, Ross was not only known for her producing prowess, but also for her warmth,
07:27her kindness, and her gentle spirit.
07:33Farewell, then, to the beginning of a new era.
07:38Let's go to our first caller.
07:40We have Scott on line two.
07:53Niles Crane?
07:55Hi. I'll get you a cup.
07:57Oh, no, no, no. I've already donated my essence to your establishment.
08:03Now I'd like to get it back.
08:05I'm sorry. It's against our policy to return essences.
08:11Oh, I see. Oh, well, could I at least check and see whether my donation was used?
08:17You know, see if my deposit has drawn any interest.
08:23Sir, I've worked here 28 years. Think you can tell me one I haven't heard?
08:28Go ahead. Try me.
08:33No.
08:36According to our records, your sample wasn't used.
08:40So there are no little Niles Cranes running around. What a relief.
08:44Isn't it?
08:49Thank you for your time.
08:54Just a quick question.
08:57Based on my qualifications, I'd assume there'd be some interest.
09:01Any nibbles?
09:03According to our records, your sample was discarded.
09:07It was rated substandard.
09:13Substandard?
09:15Your sperm had very low motility.
09:20So they're...
09:21Slow movers.
09:24Really? But that was more than 20 years ago.
09:28There's a chance that my situation's improved since then, isn't there?
09:32Can you run faster now than you did 20 years ago?
09:40So you're saying it might be difficult for my wife and me to conceive?
09:44Very difficult, yes.
09:50I'm sorry.
10:02Excuse me, sir. Terribly sorry.
10:05Carry on.
10:21Betty, you got stuck in there again and you're on your own.
10:32Hey, Niles.
10:33Hey, Dad.
10:34Is Frasier here?
10:35Printing.
10:36Oh.
10:37He's going out with Julia.
10:38Right, right.
10:39Daphne's out with her mom tonight, so I thought I'd borrow a DVD.
10:44Oh, well, you're in luck. I just picked this one up.
10:48I've seen bloopers before. You have the right to remain zany.
10:55Sounds tempting, but I'm looking for something a little more soothing.
11:00I didn't have the best day.
11:02Oh, what happened?
11:04Got some bad news at the S-Bank.
11:09Apparently I suffer from low motility.
11:12Oh, sorry, son.
11:14How'd Daphne take it?
11:16Well, I haven't had the heart to tell her yet, but I'm hoping I won't have to.
11:21I did some research today and I found out there's some things I can do to help rouse the troops.
11:27Like what?
11:28Well, such as wearing baggy pants and boxers instead of briefs.
11:33Studies show that men who allow their genitals to swing freely...
11:36Okay, got it.
11:43Well, no hot baths, no alcohol, raw seafood, and I've started a regimen of dietary supplements, which reminds me that...
11:56What's that?
11:57French maritime pine bark extract.
12:02It boosts fertility and also acts as a mild euphoric, which accounts for the well-known joviality of French sailors.
12:15Terrible aftertaste, though.
12:21I thought this was supposed to be crunchy.
12:27Oh, Niles.
12:28Dad, Julia's on her way. You told me you'd keep your room while she's here.
12:32And take your Cheeto-stained dog with you.
12:35Daddy, come on, boy.
12:42I'll be... I'll be leaving.
12:44Oh, no, Niles, could you stay for just a moment?
12:46There's something going on in my life that requires a bit of mulling.
12:50Sherry?
12:52No, thanks.
12:53No, but we never mull without Sherry.
12:57Not for me.
12:59Very well. Have a seat.
13:01I'd rather stand.
13:06Suit yourself.
13:08Anyway, it's about Roth.
13:11After quitting her job, twice, she shows up back at work again today, waist-deep in a sea of denial.
13:22Well, I confronted her on the issue.
13:27What the hell are you doing?
13:30Sorry, go on.
13:32Anyway, I confronted her on the issue, and she refused to discuss it with me.
13:36She wouldn't even look me in the eye.
13:40Leads me to just one conclusion, Niles.
13:46She's in love with me.
13:50I wouldn't necessarily jump to that conclusion.
13:52That's because you don't have all the facts.
13:55I've never shared this with you before, Niles.
13:58So brace yourself.
14:01Two years ago, Roth and I slept together.
14:05Get out! You and Roth?
14:10We did have a chance to discuss it thoroughly, talk things out.
14:17At the time, she seemed happy to remain friends.
14:23But I realize now that I must have kindled a spark in her that lit the torch she carries to this day.
14:36So what do you think?
14:40Are your pants humming?
14:46It's my testicular hypothermia device.
14:51It promotes motility by keeping my nether regions at a cool and constant 96 degrees.
14:59Oh, dear.
15:00No, no, that wasn't me.
15:01Yes, I know, I know that!
15:08Oh, Julia, hi.
15:11Good to see you.
15:12What's all this?
15:13It's dinner.
15:14No, we said we'd go out, but I thought it'd be more fun to stay in.
15:17Oh, and what's in here? Is this dessert?
15:20Well, you could call it that.
15:23Oh!
15:24Hello, Niles.
15:25Hello.
15:26Well, I'll just go start dinner.
15:29Fine.
15:34Well, looks like someone's getting lucky tonight.
15:38She was, but I'm beginning to have second thoughts.
15:42Why?
15:44Niles, Julia and I have never been together sexually.
15:47Look what happened with Roz.
15:49We slept together two years ago.
15:50She's still suffering.
15:54In the sense of pining.
15:57Well, Frasier, you don't really suppose that after one night, Julia's...
16:01Oh, open your eyes, Niles!
16:04It's the same scenario.
16:06An infatuated co-worker, a night of passion.
16:09Things don't work out between us.
16:12Every day she'll be forced to stare through the glass at me.
16:20Wondering what might have been until one day, like Roz, she goes mad!
16:29Um, I'm leaving now.
16:34Can I pick you up anything on Earth?
16:36No, Niles, don't you see?
16:38I'm just trying to be responsible.
16:41I don't want to sleep with Julia until I know that there's a future for us.
16:45Well, Frasier, I'm sure you'll make the right choice, but if you'll permit me an observation,
16:49you do tend to take things to extremes.
16:54Oh, I have to plug myself into my cigarette lighter and recharge.
17:02So, alone at last.
17:08Yes.
17:11You know, there's really no need for you to go to all this trouble.
17:15I mean, we can still have dinner at Chez Henri.
17:17No, dinner's coming along great.
17:19In fact, um, I've got a little sauce right here if you want to taste it.
17:29Oh.
17:32Wow.
17:40Mmm.
17:42That's yummy, yes.
17:46I've had such a stressful day.
17:48You know what would feel great?
17:50A back rub.
17:52You know, where I could find a pair of strong, manly hands.
17:57You know, I think Zoltan from the club makes house calls.
18:02Let me get you his number.
18:05Frasier, is everything all right?
18:07Yes, of course.
18:09Because if you're not interested, I...
18:11Oh, no, no, no, I am, I am.
18:13I'm very interested.
18:15It's just that...
18:19Before we take things to the next level,
18:22you should know there are...
18:26certain risks.
18:29Oh, my God, you've got a sexually transmitted disease.
18:32No, no, no, no, no, no.
18:34Of course not, of course not.
18:37Although, in a manner of speaking, well...
18:41Oh, excuse me.
18:47It's Ross.
18:48What's she doing here?
18:49I don't know.
18:51Listen, just give us a moment or two together,
18:54and I'll get rid of her.
18:56Fine.
19:01Hey, Fras.
19:02Hi, Ross.
19:04Can I come in?
19:05Yes.
19:08Is everything okay?
19:11Look, I know how crazy I've been acting lately.
19:16Here last night, and then today at the...
19:20I mean, I don't even understand it myself,
19:22but then I took this long walk,
19:24and I think I finally figured it out.
19:27I just feel so stupid.
19:29No, Ross.
19:31Not stupid.
19:33Human.
19:36And all too vulnerable.
19:40You've realized that you're in love with me.
19:43That's not it.
19:46Come on.
19:47I can see why you would think that based on how I've been acting,
19:50but that's not it.
19:52Okay, okay.
19:53Just to be clear,
19:55you haven't been pining over me since we slept together?
19:59God, no.
20:00Weren't you there?
20:10Hold that thought.
20:11I've got to get in the kitchen
20:13and move something back to the front burner.
20:17Julia.
20:18Oh, let me guess.
20:19Ross is staying for dinner.
20:20No, no, no.
20:22Just us.
20:25Listen, I'd like to apologize for being skittish earlier.
20:30I just chalk it up to nerves.
20:35I mean, after all, this is a big night for us.
20:40We've never done this before.
20:43I have.
20:46Oh, as have I.
20:48What I meant was...
20:49No, no, I know what you meant.
20:51So...
20:52You're forgiven.
20:54Where were we?
20:55Oh, oh, yes.
20:58I believe we were about to sample some sauce.
21:02Oh, oh, that's hot, hot, hot, hot.
21:05Oh, God.
21:06I'll just go get rid of Ross.
21:08You know, Ross, we've got so much to talk about.
21:10What do you say we pick this up again tomorrow over a cup of coffee?
21:13Okay, okay.
21:14Thank God.
21:16You have quite the ego on you.
21:18I mean, we slept together like two years ago.
21:20What do you think?
21:21You're some kind of slow-acting, time-release love bomb?
21:29I don't remember you having any complaints when we were in bed.
21:32I seem to recall hearing the term stallion-like.
21:36I never said that.
21:38Well, one of us did.
21:42Okay, this is just too weird.
21:45Julia.
21:46No, this is obviously a bad night for you.
21:49Look, Ross was just leaving.
21:51Oh.
21:52I'll send the elevator back up for him.
21:54No, Julia.
21:55Oh.
21:57Fraser, I'm so sorry about that.
22:00No, it's my fault.
22:02I never should have let you in.
22:07Well, I guess I've given Julia another reason to hate me.
22:14She doesn't hate you, Ross.
22:16Oh, well, she doesn't like me.
22:18And when the girlfriend doesn't like the friend, guess who gets the boot?
22:22Well, that's not always true.
22:24I just went through this with my dad.
22:27I was always really close to him, even after my parents split up.
22:31And six months ago, he married this woman.
22:35A woman I don't get along with, and it's like I don't exist.
22:41I'm sorry.
22:43That's what I finally realized tonight.
22:46I guess I saw Julia getting her hooks into you, and I freaked.
22:52Ross, the day a woman tells me that I can't be friends with you
22:56is the day I know I picked the wrong woman.
23:00Thanks, Fraser.
23:05Say, Julia has a dangerously hot meal cooking in the kitchen.
23:10Why don't you stay?
23:11Oh, that sounds great.
23:13But wait.
23:14She went to all this trouble to make this dinner for you.
23:17If she finds out I'm the one who ate it, it'll kill her.
23:19You can't tell her, Ross.
23:21Come on, please.
23:32Hello?
23:35Hello.
23:39Daphne.
23:41What are you doing here?
23:42I thought you had plans tonight.
23:45Who says I don't?
23:50Champagne.
23:51Oh, sounds wonderful.
23:53Uh, on second thought, not tonight.
23:58I just thought you might like something to wash down these oysters.
24:01Oh.
24:05Actually, I'm avoiding raw seafood.
24:08Would it be too much trouble to put them in a bisque?
24:12Now?
24:14I'm sorry.
24:15I'm just a little surprised by all this.
24:19I thought I'd follow your father's advice.
24:22A little less science, a little more romance.
24:26Um...
24:34And apparently it's working.
24:40That would be my testicle 2000.
24:45Your what?
24:49I should have told you this earlier.
24:52I had some disappointing news today.
24:55It seems that I suffer from low motility,
24:58and it might not be possible for us to conceive.
25:02Oh.
25:04I'm so sorry.
25:05Oh, don't be sorry.
25:07We'll be all right.
25:09There's so many things they can do these days to help infertile couples.
25:14True.
25:15And until we find out more,
25:17I don't see why we don't give Mother Nature a shot.
25:20No.
25:21I took the test today.
25:25I'm ovulating.
25:30Well, in that case,
25:32I'll ask one upstairs.
25:36Oh, Dad.
25:38This isn't the ovulation kit. It's the pregnancy test.
25:41Oh, silly me. They look so much...
25:48We're pregnant.
25:51Oh, my God. We are, aren't we?
25:54But my slow sperm.
25:59Almost our first eggs.
26:05I love you.
26:06I love you, too.
26:13Something seems to be short-circuiting.
26:25That's your daddy.
26:33Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
26:36Toss salads and scrambled eggs
26:39Quite stylish.
26:41And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:45Well, maybe.
26:46But I got you pegged
26:48Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
26:51But I don't know what to do
26:53With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:58They're calling again
27:01Good night, Seattle! We love you!