Frasier Season 2 Episode 14 Fool Me Once, Sha Me On You, Fool Me Twice
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00:00Allow me.
00:11You're welcome.
00:19When did everyone become so boorish?
00:22Honestly, sometimes I think I'm the only person left in the world with any sense of refinement.
00:30Thank you, no.
00:34I'm just so proud I had to stop for gas and I pumped it myself.
00:43It's part of a new kick I'm on.
00:45Which is what?
00:46I'm learning to be handy.
00:49I've decided I depend too much on other people, so I'm doing it myself.
00:55Feel that.
00:56Tell me that's not the start of a first-rate callus.
00:59Frazier, you've got this in your bag.
01:03Oh, dear, thank you, Ross.
01:04What is it?
01:05Oh, it's a tape.
01:06Dad hasn't been around for him.
01:08It's part of our new Wednesday night ritual.
01:10Dad mixes up a pot of his five-alarm chili, we all curl up on the couch and watch an Angie Dickinson movie,
01:16and I wish I were Dad.
01:19You should join us.
01:21No, no.
01:23I got my first work shirt this morning, and tonight I'm tackling the squeaky hasp on my cigar humidor.
01:29Oh, well, be sure to wear your hernia belt.
01:34So, Ross, you gonna join us?
01:37No, I think I'll just go sit over here.
01:41Ross, are you trying to avoid me?
01:43Well, can you blame me?
01:45I mean, it took you nearly a year just to learn my name,
01:48and every time we sit together, you have some kind of snide remark to make.
01:53Well, last week you told me my bedroom was easier to get into than a community college.
02:01I was hoping that would be the one you'd name.
02:04You know, I've got half a mind of my own.
02:06No, no, no, no, no, just hold on now, Ross.
02:09You wouldn't notice I'd opened the wrong foot a long time ago now.
02:12I think if you two sat down and had a real conversation, you'd hit it off famously.
02:16Now, here, here.
02:18You sit, Ross, and I will go and get your coffee.
02:23Thank you.
02:26So, how are you?
02:30Fine. You?
02:32Great.
02:35I'm handy now.
02:44So, that's a nice jacket.
02:47Thank you.
02:49Offbeat.
02:53What is that supposed to mean, offbeat?
02:56Well...
02:57No, wait, I think I know exactly what it means.
03:00Offbeat isn't cheap.
03:02Well, excuse me for not being rich enough to shop at the International House of Tidass,
03:06like you and Maris the heiress.
03:10That is what you meant, right?
03:12Yes, but I had no idea you'd pick up on it.
03:18And you were insulting me.
03:21Yes, but you got in a couple of good shots yourself.
03:24I did, didn't I?
03:28I'm so glad we did this.
03:32You know, sometimes I'm such a good therapist, I scare myself.
03:39Oh, my goodness.
03:41Where's my briefcase?
03:42Didn't you put it under your chair?
03:44Well, yes, I did.
03:45Someone must have taken it.
03:48Frazier, look, there it is.
03:55Excuse me.
03:56Excuse me.
03:58Is that your briefcase?
04:00Yes.
04:01And where did you get it?
04:03Some of the nuns in my parish bought it for me as a gift.
04:08Ah, your parish.
04:10Then that would make you a priest.
04:12Yes.
04:13Well, then, father.
04:18Perhaps you'd like to explain why you've been carrying around
04:21a Bible and some rosary beads.
04:27What exactly are you looking for?
04:29An Angie Dickinson movie.
04:31I loaned it to the Monsignor.
04:32He was supposed to give it to you to give to me.
04:34Apparently, he forgot.
04:35Well, it's a two-day rental anyway.
04:37It doesn't matter.
04:38Off you go.
04:39Thank you.
04:41I'm sorry, Frazier.
04:42It looked exactly like yours.
04:44They both have the same inferior leather.
04:46I gave him that briefcase.
04:47I know.
04:55Yes, I would mind holding again.
04:57Look, I've already held three times.
05:00Look, I'm simply trying to report a few stolen credit cards,
05:04but every five seconds...
05:06Damn it!
05:11Don't stare at me, Eddie.
05:13I'm a humane man,
05:15so I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.
05:22Hey, Frazier.
05:23Hello.
05:24It's an announce call.
05:26Somebody stole your briefcase, huh?
05:28Yes.
05:29All right, Dad, go ahead.
05:30Tell me how stupid I was to get taken advantage of that way.
05:33Certainly better than listening to Jumping Jack Flash
05:36arranged for piano and flute.
05:40I don't think he was stupid.
05:42These guys are pros.
05:44Just need a second, and bam, they're out the door.
05:47Well, that's rather refreshing.
05:50I was expecting you to call me every name
05:52from a naive dupe to a boneheaded rude.
05:56But you're not.
05:58No, I'm not.
05:59The important thing is you learned a lesson.
06:01You gotta keep your guard up.
06:03This world would be a happier place
06:05if everybody had remembered two little words.
06:08People stink.
06:11I'm sorry, but that's just a little cynical for me.
06:14If I want to go through life thinking the worst of people,
06:17I prefer to think of them as basically good and decent.
06:20Yes, I am here, but, you know, I'm sorry,
06:23I'm in the middle of a speech right now,
06:24so you'll have to hold.
06:31Truth is, I enjoy my life that way.
06:35The price I have to pay is to replace a few credit cards
06:38from time to time.
06:40Well, then, so be it.
06:41This whole thing reminds me of when I first moved to London.
06:44I was very mistrusting of people back then.
06:48I was convinced the way to stay out of harm's way
06:51was to walk the streets with me eyes cast down,
06:54never meeting anyone's glance.
06:57But, finally, I decided that was no way to live.
07:02So, one day, I just lifted up me chin and took it all in.
07:08Well, the change was amazing.
07:12There were sights I'd never seen,
07:15sounds I'd never heard.
07:17A tiny old man came up to me with a note in his hand.
07:21They needed help.
07:23I realised this was no city full of thieves and muggers.
07:28There were people here who needed me.
07:31I took his note, read it,
07:35and to this day, I can remember just what I said to that man.
07:39That's not how you spell Felicio.
07:53So, whose point did she prove?
07:57I've no idea.
08:00Well, I can't tell you how much fun it's been chatting with you all today,
08:04nasty old Gertrude aside,
08:07but I'd like to close the show with a personal message.
08:12This goes out to the person who stole my briefcase yesterday.
08:18And, as it turns out, also stole my dry cleaning this morning
08:21with the claim ticket that was inside it.
08:24You need help, and I am here to provide it.
08:28Oh, also, the double-breasted navy blue suit
08:31was meant to be worn with French cuffs and medium heel wingtips.
08:35You may be sick, but there's no reason why you shouldn't be stylish.
08:42Until tomorrow, this is Dr. Frasier Crane.
08:47Man, that was a great show.
08:51Man, that was a great show.
08:53It was better than great. It was brilliant.
08:56I can't remember when you were more...
08:58What do you want?
08:59Okay.
09:01Remember I told you my girlfriend was coming to town and I might need Friday off?
09:05No.
09:06No, you don't remember? Or, no, I can't have Friday off?
09:08Take one of each. I'm feeling generous.
09:14Hello?
09:15Hi. Is this Dr. Crane?
09:17Yes, it is.
09:19Oh, man, what a thrill. I can't believe I got through.
09:22Well, actually, my show is over. You'll have to call in again tomorrow.
09:26That's not why I'm calling. I think I found your briefcase.
09:29Oh, really? Really? Are you sure?
09:31Pretty sure.
09:32Well, there's a way we can be positive.
09:34Simply turn over the briefcase in the upper right-hand corner.
09:37You should find a half-moon-shaped watermark,
09:40such as would be left by the careless resting of a champagne flute.
09:46It's full of your stuff, Dr. Crane.
09:49That works as well, yes.
09:52Say, listen, is everything still there?
09:54Well, there's a nice gold pen, a set of car keys, a date book.
09:58Oh, what about my wallet?
09:59Oh, sorry.
10:01Yes, I suppose I was asking for too much.
10:03Well, how can I get it back?
10:05I could drop it off.
10:06Oh, better yet, why don't you meet me at the Cafe Nervosa on Pike and 3rd?
10:11I'd be glad to give you a reward.
10:13Hey, meeting you is reward enough. Half an hour, okay?
10:18Perfect. Bye.
10:19Bye.
10:21Well, that was pretty great.
10:23Yes, but not surprising.
10:25Haven't I always told you to have faith in people?
10:27Yes, and you were right. People are basically good.
10:30Yes.
10:31And fair.
10:32Indeed.
10:33We do nice things for people in this world because there's a little thing called karma.
10:36There's no way you're getting Friday off.
10:38Why?
10:40Allow me.
10:50Do you believe that woman?
10:52That's the second time that's happened to me this week.
10:54I have half a mind to say something.
10:56Well, then why don't you?
10:57Oh, you know, something happens to me when I talk to a beautiful woman.
11:02The moment they begin staring into my eyes, my knees turn to jelly.
11:07Still, Niles, I suppose the only way to break people of their bad habits is by confronting them.
11:11Well, that's true.
11:13So, who's next here?
11:16I am. I'll open the gate.
11:18Oh, no, you're not. You weren't next here. I am.
11:25I suppose people like you who glide through life wrapped in a cozy little cocoon of narcissism never notice such things.
11:33But you'd do well to learn this lesson, sister.
11:39There's still such a thing as good manners in this world,
11:42and that's why I would like to insist that you let me buy you your coffee
11:46and also please try the poppy seed muffins.
11:51Thank you.
11:52You're welcome.
11:55Thank you.
11:56You're welcome.
12:07Kind of brutal, weren't you?
12:11All I remember was I was next and then the sound of blood thundering through my ears.
12:16There, Niles. Soon you'll be home with Maris
12:19and you'll forget you were anywhere near a beautiful woman today.
12:25Please, why don't we sit here by the window so we can see you, Monica?
12:28Oh, you're a good Samaritan?
12:30Yes.
12:31You know, I have to tell you, Niles, I'm feeling rather good about this whole thing.
12:35Well, granted, I did lose my wallet and my favorite suit,
12:38but still, you know, mostly everything else was intact.
12:41My date book, my spare set of car keys, my fountain pen.
12:45But best of all, what has remained intact is my sense that people are basically trustworthy.
12:53Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here knowing you'd bring your car?
12:59Now, now, now, before you launch into one of your little paranoid riffs,
13:03my car happens to be moving down the street!
13:06Oh, my God!
13:08Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!
13:16Yeah, Charlie, it's my son Frasier's car,
13:20so if you could put a little extra manpower on this, I'd appreciate it.
13:23Yeah, I know, I know.
13:26Fell for that old scam.
13:28I told him you gotta keep your guard up,
13:31but you know Frasier, he always knows better.
13:34Mr. Up With People.
13:38Yeah, remember what we used to call guys like him when I was on the force?
13:46Hey, we're still talking about my son here, Charlie.
13:50Yeah, I'll talk to you.
13:54Hi, Frasier, how's it going?
13:56Terribly.
13:58Guess what happened today?
14:00What?
14:02My car was stolen.
14:05You're kidding.
14:08Yes, once again I fell victim to a master criminal.
14:12How'd they do it? Hotwire it?
14:14Boy, you know, those guys got fingers like concert pianists.
14:19No, he had the key.
14:23Real pro, huh?
14:25Made a wax impression and then had a duplicate key made?
14:31No.
14:34It was the same miscreant that stole my briefcase.
14:39He used the spare scent that was inside.
14:41What? He tailed you for a few days, learned your routine,
14:44so he had no way to find the car?
14:47Not exactly.
14:51He called the station and we agreed to meet.
14:56What for?
14:57Low-fat lattes and biscotti.
15:06What are you, the town crier?
15:10Oh, go ahead, laugh. You know, it's still the same miscreant.
15:15Oh, go ahead, laugh. You know, it still doesn't shake my belief in the basic goodness of people.
15:19Well, sure. He's probably using your car to deliver hot meals to shutouts.
15:30Yes, well, I'm glad that my misfortune has given you two so much glee.
15:34But, dad, I have two requests.
15:38First, wipe that father-in-law's best smirk off of your face.
15:41I am not a child.
15:44And what's the second request?
15:48Can I borrow your car? I want to go to the movies.
16:01At last, stop on our tour.
16:04My booth, where all the magic happens.
16:07Hey, Daphne, what are you doing here?
16:10Dr. Crane needed a lift in, so I decided to come up for a little tour.
16:14But don't mind me, just go on about your business.
16:17It's not like I'm listening.
16:23Have we had one visitor yet who didn't feel the need to do that?
16:27Thank you for the ride down, Daphne, but we do have a show to do, so...
16:30You know, people are always telling me I have a natural talent for this.
16:34Yes, yes, of course, your soothing voice, your calming manner.
16:40I've been listening to you for hours.
16:42Oh, wow, do you really think so?
16:44Oh, yes, absolutely. All right, now get out.
16:49Oh, Ross, could you get this?
16:52Hello? Who's calling, please?
16:56Just a second.
16:59It's Denise. She said she was out with you last night.
17:02I wasn't out with anyone named Denise last night.
17:04Oh, speakerphone, speakerphone.
17:07I'm all right.
17:10Hello, this is Fraser Crane.
17:12Hey, Tiger, I miss you already.
17:17I beg your pardon?
17:19Oh, I'm sorry to call you at work, but you just snuck out of here this morning without giving me your number,
17:25and, well, I woke up to see your BMW pulling down my driveway.
17:31You did?
17:33But I'm not mad. How can I be after the best first night I ever spent with a man?
17:39Denise, could you just hold on for a moment?
17:42Sure.
17:45Do you realize what this means?
17:47The guy who stole your stuff told her he was you.
17:49And it worked!
17:52She slept with him on the first date! Nobody ever sleeps with me on the first date!
17:59Hi, it's me again.
18:02I'm sorry to do this on short notice, but I won't be able to meet you for that drink at Alberto's.
18:07The agency called. They booked me for a swimsuit layout.
18:12Oh, there's my cab. I'll call you tomorrow. Kisses.
18:18Unbelievable.
18:20Yes.
18:22Apparently he wasn't content just to steal my possessions. Now he's after my identity as well.
18:26I'm calling the police.
18:27No, Ross, no. I will handle this myself. I am going down to Alberto's.
18:32Just brought something from the best of Freighter Crane.
18:34This jackal thinks he's meeting Denise down there. He's going to meet me instead.
18:38Are you crazy? He could be dangerous.
18:41I don't care, Ross. My God, this man's gone too far. He's after my very soul now.
18:45What was it Shakespeare wrote?
18:47He who steals my purse steals trash, but he who steals my good name steals...
18:52Oh, I forget the rest, but he makes me good man!
19:02Excuse me. Have you seen a man in here wearing an impeccably tailored Italian suit?
19:08Just you.
19:10Oh, well.
19:13Thank you. Giorgio Armani.
19:16It's nice to meet you, Giorgio.
19:21My name's Heather.
19:22Yes.
19:23And I'm Denise.
19:24Nice to meet you.
19:25Nice to meet you.
19:26Nice to meet you.
19:27Nice to meet you.
19:28Nice to meet you.
19:29Nice to meet you.
19:31My name's Heather.
19:32Yes, I'm Frasier Crane. It's a pleasure. Do you mind?
19:35Oh.
19:37Wait a minute. Dr. Frasier Crane from the radio?
19:42Yes.
19:43Well, I've heard your show. You're great.
19:46Oh, thank you.
19:47This is exciting.
19:51Hey, didn't you say on your show the other day that someone had impersonated you at the dry cleaner's?
20:00Someone did.
20:01But how do I know that you're not the impersonator?
20:04Oh, well, good heavens, if you're looking for identification.
20:08Uh-oh.
20:10I thought so.
20:11Yes, but he stole my wallet the other day.
20:13Who did?
20:14Frasier did. The bad Frasier.
20:17You're pretty sick, you know. Maybe you ought to just get a life.
20:20No, Heather, this is absurd. Can't you recognize my...
20:30Nice suit.
20:57Oh, my God, it's you!
21:00Oh, no, it's not me!
21:02All right, all right, I give up.
21:06Dammit, how did you find me?
21:09Well, a certain Denise called the station today. She had to cancel your little rendezvous.
21:14Great, and I put on my best suit.
21:16No, you put on my best suit.
21:20Well, I guess this is it. Party's over.
21:24I'm so stupid.
21:26You probably want to call the police, huh?
21:29You know, what I would like to do is throttle you
21:32until your eyes shoot across the room like champagne corks.
21:38But I won't.
21:40Because this is still a civilized world, but it won't be for long if you lowlifes have your way
21:44because with every wallet you steal, you put bars on someone else's windows.
21:49With every purse you snatch, you put mace on another keychain.
21:54Every day you make our lives a little less livable
21:57and I hope that burns on your conscience.
22:00Well, what do you have to say for yourself?
22:06You're right.
22:10Oh, oh, oh, I see, I see.
22:13You think by agreeing with me, I'll let you off the hook?
22:15No, I'm saying you're right. I'm not trying to weasel out of this.
22:18I'm guilty and I deserve what I get.
22:21Look, here's your keys.
22:23The car's out front with your briefcase in it.
22:26Here, go ahead and call the police.
22:29That's your new car phone, by the way. I upgraded.
22:37Well, I should have known things were going to turn out like this for me.
22:40Oh, yes, here it comes.
22:42The old sob story.
22:44Daddy didn't love me. Mother ignored me.
22:47The bully next door stole my baseball glove.
22:50No, Dad loved me.
22:52Mom spoiled me.
22:54And I was the bully next door.
22:57Say, why don't you let me do that? It's kind of tricky.
23:01Thank you.
23:02There's only one person to blame for my problems and that's me.
23:06Yeah, hi, the number for the Seattle PD, please.
23:10I take the easy way out of everything. I always have.
23:13You want to know why?
23:15I'm lazy.
23:17Lazy, lazy, lazy.
23:20Oh, sweetheart, I don't have the energy to look for a pencil.
23:23Could you just connect me? Thanks, hon.
23:28You expect me to believe that your entire life of crime can be attributed to your laziness?
23:34Hey, it's the truth. I don't like to work, never have.
23:37And believe me, it's a lot easier to take something than to get a job.
23:40And I'm even a lazy criminal. A briefcase here, a set of car keys there.
23:45Maybe a little light shoplifting, but a bank robbery?
23:49All that planning and split-second timing, forget it.
23:53And that second story stuff, grappling hooks, glass cutters, who does that?
24:01Yeah, thank you. You're on hold.
24:04Story of my week.
24:08I know you seem to be taking this awfully well.
24:10Well, it's like I said, it was bound to happen.
24:13Or perhaps...
24:16Perhaps you wanted to get caught.
24:19Yes, well, think about it.
24:21You've been taking greater and greater risks.
24:24Isn't that the behavior of a man who wants to get caught?
24:27I'm telling you, Doc. Lazy.
24:29Look at your pants, for God's sake.
24:31You think I'd take them in to be hemmed, right?
24:33Staples!
24:34Oh, dear God.
24:35Staples!
24:38Well, I still say that you really wanted to get caught.
24:43Yes, it's a classic cri de coeur.
24:46Cri de what?
24:48No, look, it just means that you don't like the life that you're living.
24:54Well, it's not a great life.
24:56At the time, I don't know where my next month's rent is coming from,
25:00and I haven't been in a solid relationship in I don't know how long.
25:03Then why don't you change?
25:05Haven't we been over this?
25:07Give me an L. Give me an A.
25:09As a psychiatrist, I just don't buy that.
25:13You're not lazy.
25:15What you are is afraid.
25:17There are any number of things you could do in the legitimate world.
25:21You're just afraid to try one of them and fail at it.
25:25You really think I can change?
25:27Yes. I believe everyone can change because I believe in the basic goodness of people.
25:32Oh, yes. Hello, yes.
25:35Just a moment, please.
25:38Start now.
25:40Take responsibility for yourself.
25:43For once, don't take the easy way out.
25:47Hello?
25:49Yeah, I'd like to report a crime.
25:51There he is.
25:53He's the man who's been impersonating Frasier Crane.
25:55All right, let's go.
25:57What are you talking about?
25:59I am Frasier Crane.
26:01Do you have identification?
26:03Well, no, no, but it's the truth.
26:05Well, tell them.
26:07Thank God you got here when you did, officer.
26:09I detained him as long as I could.
26:11What?
26:13That's what he's like.
26:15Yes, but he's lying.
26:17He's the imposter.
26:19Don't you people recognize me?
26:21Oh, for goodness sake, this is madness.
26:23I can't believe this is happening.
26:25People of the world, listen to me.
26:27Trust no one, especially that lazy bastard.
26:36Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.
26:39Toss salads and scrambled eggs.
26:43Oh, my.
26:45And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:48Well, maybe.
26:50But I got you pegged.
26:52Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:54But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
27:01They're calling again.
27:04Good night, Seattle.
27:06We love you.