Frasier Season 6 Episode 15 To Tell The Truth (1)
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00:00Well, Ross, oh, baby pictures?
00:05Actually, these aren't the most flattering.
00:07Oh, nonsense. Baby Alice couldn't possibly take a bad picture.
00:11Oh, well, that's just adorable, this silly little woman with a jam all over her face.
00:17Well, actually, that's not jam, Frasier, it's baby eczema.
00:22Oh, well, there's nothing to worry about that.
00:25This sort of thing is bound to clear up. Or spread.
00:31She's skipping back.
00:33Oh, hello, all. Oh, Niles.
00:36Oh, baby pictures.
00:38Oh, I don't really want anyone to look at those.
00:40I don't know why not, but Tocelli himself couldn't have painted a more perfect angel.
00:46Thank you, Niles. She is precious, isn't she?
00:52Anyway, Niles, how did things go with Maris' lawyers?
00:56Oh, cappuccino, please.
00:58Maris is determined to prolong my suffering.
01:01She's asked to postpone our court date another eight months.
01:05Eight months?
01:07Yes. Last night I was in such a state I almost wished I had a piano to crawl under.
01:11What?
01:12Oh, it's a habit I developed as a child to combat anxiety.
01:18Something about this safe, dark, protected environment seemed comforting to me.
01:23Yes. The week before his first Little League trial, he practically lived under there.
01:28Well, we all did weird stuff when we were kids.
01:36So, Niles, how did your lawyers respond to this postponement request?
01:40Well, I can tell you they weren't very happy about it.
01:43They got on the phone and raised some hell and got that postponement cut down to seven months.
01:50Niles, are you serious?
01:53You think maybe it's time that you considered getting some new lawyers?
01:57Fire Harrison and Reed. They're the top firm in Seattle.
02:00But they're bleeding you dry. Do you realize that they don't mind these postponements at all?
02:04You know, the longer they draw this thing out, the more money they'll get paid.
02:07Oh, you know, I have the perfect person for you to call.
02:10My old boyfriend, Donnie. He's a great lawyer.
02:14No offense, Roz, but I highly doubt that your Donnie is in the same league with Harrison and Reed.
02:20Don't be so sure. I mean, he's smart, he's tough, he doesn't take no for an answer.
02:25Not that I ever tested that theory.
02:28Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Are we talking about Donnie Douglas?
02:31Yes.
02:32Oh, my God, Niles. I've read about this guy. He's the one they call the piranha, right?
02:37Yes, but that's partly because he has this gnawing problem that makes his teeth really sharp and tiny.
02:44Well, anyway, Niles, I mean, this guy just won a huge case.
02:49I mean, he might be just who you need.
02:51I appreciate your concern, but really my situation is not as dire as you're making it out to be.
02:58What's that smell?
02:59What smell?
03:00The one coming out of your briefcase.
03:02Oh, I don't smell anything.
03:05Oh, my God, is this your lunch?
03:09A bologna sandwich?
03:15And a fruit cocktail?
03:20Oh, Niles, do you see what these lawyers have reduced you to?
03:26Do you have any idea what they're having for lunch?
03:28I don't know, they don't itemize, they just bill me for the total.
03:31Bill me for the total.
03:42Donnie should be here any minute. Make yourselves comfortable.
03:49Frazier, you really don't have to stay.
03:51Well, I didn't have to come at all, but if I hadn't, you never would have.
03:56Well, the office seems nice enough.
03:58Might have overdone it on the plants a little, but...
04:01Yes, it's excess like this that's destroying the plastic rainforest.
04:07Niles?
04:09Oh, University of Las Vegas.
04:17No problem finding tassels for those mortarboards.
04:21Will you stop being such a snob?
04:24Give this man a chance, for God's sake, and please, will you have a mint?
04:29I'm halfway across the room, all I can smell is bologna.
04:35Hey!
04:36How are you doing? Donnie Douglas.
04:37Who are you?
04:38Mr. Douglas, I'm Frazier Crane.
04:40This is Niles Crane.
04:41Oh, you're Niles Crane.
04:42Frazier Crane?
04:43Yes.
04:44You're Roz's buddy, aren't you?
04:45Yes, yes.
04:46Frazier Crane, you're Roz's buddy, aren't you?
04:49Yes, yes.
04:50Oh, you've got to do me a favor.
04:51Okay.
04:52Tell Roz, finally, I had my teeth capped.
04:55See?
04:56Oh, yes.
04:57Well, I'll tell her.
04:58You promise you won't forget?
04:59Oh, not much danger of that.
05:01Okay.
05:03Now, I've got to be in court in about 20 minutes, so sit down, let's get started.
05:08Well, as we discussed...
05:09Fred, get my gray suit for court!
05:13Go on, go on, go on.
05:14Look, Maris is determined to exhaust my already strained financial resources.
05:19And the real injustice...
05:21Yeah, and Maria, could you just cancel that four o'clock of mine?
05:25And would you also put Joe Silva on my call sheet?
05:29I'm listening, I'm listening.
05:30Go on, go on.
05:31Well, Maris has no right to be angry with me.
05:34Maria!
05:35You're the best.
05:36Thank you so much.
05:37Cool.
05:38What, what?
05:39Come on, let's go.
05:40What?
05:41I'm sorry, I forgot what I was saying.
05:43Oh, don't worry, Maria has that effect on men all the time.
05:50Now, sir, I think you were about to tell Mr. Douglas about Dr. Shankman.
05:55Right.
05:56Well, uh, last year, Maris and I were actually making progress in couples therapy...
06:01Uh-huh.
06:02...when, to my dismay, I discovered that she and our therapist were...
06:05Oh, my God.
06:07That's right.
06:08They were...
06:09This is the best corned beef I have ever tasted.
06:12You've got to have a bite of this.
06:14Here.
06:15Mine's got spicy mustard.
06:17No, thanks.
06:18How about you?
06:20Sorry.
06:21Mustard allergy.
06:22Oh.
06:25Mr. Douglas, Maiden will come back when you have more time.
06:29No, no, no.
06:30Uh-uh.
06:31I get the gist.
06:32Your wife was doing the shrink, and now she's trying to bleed you in a long free trial.
06:36I get it.
06:37Who's her lawyer?
06:38Lockhart and Whiteland.
06:39Maria!
06:40Give me Lockhart!
06:41Or Whiteland.
06:42Wait, wait, wait, wait.
06:43You're calling them?
06:44Yeah.
06:45Listen, can we just cut through the formalities here?
06:47Uh-uh.
06:49Okay.
06:50Niles, what you need is a guy like me representing you.
06:54What you're in here is a street fight, and you've got to know who's covering your back.
06:59So, what I guarantee you is this.
07:03You will never see me unprepared.
07:08You will never see me intimidated, and you will never, ever see me throw in the towel.
07:17Understand?
07:18I certainly hope not.
07:21Oh.
07:23I've got Jeff Whelan on line one.
07:25Okay, thank you.
07:27May I have a word with you?
07:28Yes.
07:29Whelan!
07:30Donnie Douglas here.
07:31I'm calling about Niles Crane.
07:32Okay.
07:33Yeah.
07:34I can't possibly let this man represent me.
07:35I'll be humiliated.
07:36I'll be humiliated.
07:37Niles, you have got to hear this man out.
07:39I'm sorry.
07:40This is exactly what you want in a lawyer.
07:42Someone who's not afraid to show a little moxie.
07:44Oh, he's an inch away from showing us the full moxie.
07:47You're going to get a countersuit for deliberate infliction of pain and emotional distress.
07:51What, you don't think I can win?
07:53You call York and McFadden.
07:54You see what those bastards have to pay for trying to pull the same crap on a client of mine.
07:59You know, we're talking big numbers here, Whelan.
08:02I haven't seen so many zeroes lined up since Mr. Spock had a book signing.
08:07Yeah.
08:09You've got to hear this.
08:10Come here.
08:11Come here.
08:14Well, yes, of course, it's important to be reasonable.
08:17I'm sure we can move a few things around and be ready for court by next month.
08:23Mr. Douglas.
08:24Yeah.
08:25Does this mean you're now representing Niles Crane?
08:29That's exactly what that means.
08:31And, Whelan, I'll be in touch about a discovery schedule.
08:35Have a nice day.
08:38Mr. Douglas, that was brilliant.
08:40Yes.
08:41My goodness, it almost makes me wish I was still married to Lilith.
08:46Now, we're probably going to get rolling sometime this week with depositions.
08:50So, you know, pick a day.
08:52We'll get together.
08:53I will prepare you, but it's going to be very low-key, very casual.
08:56You know, over dinner or something like that.
08:58You're doing court in ten minutes.
09:00Okay.
09:01And, Donnie.
09:02Yeah.
09:03Mustard.
09:05Oh, okay.
09:06She's been sitting there the whole time?
09:09That's so embarrassing.
09:12And, indeed, I had high hopes for Niles and Maris,
09:17as is witnessed by my wedding toast,
09:21in which I combined my heartfelt sentiments
09:24with apt quotations from Shakespeare,
09:26jazz great Louis Armstrong, and the poet Cotullus.
09:32And, indeed, I had high hopes for Niles and Maris,
09:36as is witnessed by my wedding toast,
09:39in which I combined my heartfelt sentiments
09:42with apt quotations from Shakespeare,
09:44jazz great Louis Armstrong,
09:46and the poet Cotullus.
09:50And so your answer would be,
09:51yes, I attended their wedding.
09:57Once again, Frasier, could you try to keep your answers brief?
10:00Well, I...
10:01Trust me, he did.
10:04All right, all right.
10:05Look, I'll try to do better.
10:07I'll try as best as they can
10:08to try to catch Niles out in the line.
10:10Now, look, they're also going to allege
10:12that during the separation,
10:14Niles was wasteful with money.
10:16Whoa!
10:17She's calling me wasteful?
10:19Mm-hmm.
10:20Do you recall what she used to do
10:21when one of our dogs needed a shampoo?
10:23Yes, she'd fill the bathtub with Avion.
10:26Half the time, she'd just get a new dog.
10:32Anyway, look, Frasier,
10:33they might ask you if you witnessed
10:35any examples of Niles throwing money around,
10:38and your answer would be...
10:44Yes.
10:45No!
10:46No, no, no, no.
10:48The answer is,
10:49not to the best of my recollection.
10:51But I do recall, and I'll be under oath.
10:54Oh, please, not this again.
10:59As you probably figured out,
11:00Frasier is a bit of a stickler when it comes to his ethics,
11:03and frankly, I applaud him for it.
11:04Oh, great.
11:05More coffee, anyone?
11:07No, thank you, Daphne.
11:08I think I'm just about done here.
11:10And, in fact, I've got a conference
11:11called back at the office.
11:13I'm just going to check to see if that's still happening.
11:15Frasier, why don't you see
11:16if there's any more questions in there?
11:18We haven't done yet, all right?
11:19Oh, all right, all right.
11:21We've done those, all right.
11:24Oh, here's one.
11:25Can you recall
11:28a specific incident
11:30where Maris lost her temper
11:31or behaved in a way you'd characterize
11:34as volatile or unstable?
11:43You're kidding.
11:45No, well, based on what?
11:48Oh, please.
11:49Something wrong?
11:50No, it's okay.
11:51No, thank you.
11:52Thank you, Maria, no.
11:53Maris' lawyers are going to kill me.
11:55I mean, all week long,
11:56it's been one desperate ploy after another.
11:58This one, this is the best one yet.
11:59What is it?
12:00Oh, now they're claiming alienation of affection.
12:03You're kidding me.
12:04After what she did?
12:05Believe it or not,
12:06now they're saying that during the marriage,
12:07Niles was in love with another woman.
12:09Oh.
12:10Who?
12:11Oh, you.
12:14Me?
12:16Dear God.
12:18That's absurd.
12:20Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous?
12:25Not to the best of my recollection.
12:30Why on earth would they think
12:32Dr. Crane's in love with me?
12:34Oh, something about a country club ball
12:36the two of you attended a few years back.
12:39This is all based on that?
12:40Yeah.
12:41You caused quite a stir on the dance floor or something?
12:44Yeah, we were just putting on a show
12:46for his snobby friends.
12:47It must have been very convincing
12:49because they're going to subpoena you for deposition.
12:51Oh.
12:52Now, look, you know,
12:53we can just call her bluff right away
12:54and come tomorrow morning with friends.
12:56Yeah.
12:57It's fine by me.
12:58Okay, great.
12:59Now, listen, Daphne,
13:00I'm going to have to prepare you for this
13:01because lawyers, they can twist your words around.
13:03They get a judge to buy it because of the prenup.
13:05Maris can really stick it to Niles.
13:08But I got this conference call back at the office.
13:10Well, I could come with you.
13:11Oh, great.
13:12We'll get it done in about an hour.
13:13Just let me grab my coat.
13:14Don't you worry, Dr. Crane.
13:16Now, Frazier, I hope you realize
13:18they're going to ask you about this business, too.
13:21Me?
13:22Yes.
13:23You're going to have to come with me.
13:26Yes, but don't worry.
13:28This is one time when your compulsive truth-telling
13:31won't get us into any trouble.
13:34Bye.
13:35Bye.
13:38Well, that's it.
13:39It's over.
13:41It's over and I've lost.
13:43Maris has won.
13:44Maris always wins.
13:45Niles.
13:46Niles never wins.
13:49Niles always loses.
13:51That's why Niles lives at the Shangri-La
13:53and drives a hatchback.
13:55Niles, now get a grip.
13:57Maris's people are just fishing.
13:59We're the only ones who know how you feel about Daphne.
14:02Today, tomorrow, everyone will know,
14:04including Daphne.
14:06And this is how she's going to find out.
14:08I wanted to whisper it to her over a candlelight dinner,
14:11not have it read back to her by a court stenographer.
14:14What are you talking about?
14:16Frazier's not going to tell.
14:17He's going to be under oath.
14:18What if they ask him point-blank?
14:20He'll just say no.
14:21Right, Frazier?
14:30Frazier?
14:32Well, it's not that simple.
14:34You heard what he said.
14:35I'll be under oath.
14:37Oh, my God.
14:38I can't breathe.
14:40I can't breathe.
14:42Niles.
14:43Here.
14:44Put your hand between your legs.
14:46I'll get you some water.
14:48Niles, you'll be all right.
14:49Just take a couple of deep breaths.
14:51If I could take deep breaths,
14:53it would mean I could breathe.
14:56You're really not going to go down there tomorrow
14:58and blow this for him, are you?
14:59There's nothing I would like to do more than help my brother.
15:01I would like to find a way to do it without violating my ethics.
15:04But Niles is responsible for this divorce.
15:07Niles' feelings for Daphne has nothing to do with it.
15:09Now, if you cover for Niles,
15:11you won't be doing anything wrong.
15:13Dad, we are talking about perjury.
15:15When is that ever acceptable?
15:17Well, you want an example?
15:19Fine.
15:20Um, let's say, uh,
15:22what if there was a comet hurtling towards the Earth?
15:24For God's sake.
15:25And you were the only person who could save the Earth,
15:28but the only way you could do it is by lying under oath.
15:30Would you do it then?
15:34Who am I lying to, the comet?
15:36Oh, just answer the question.
15:38All right, I suppose that in certain extreme cases...
15:41So, then you'd lie.
15:43To save mankind from a talking comet, yes.
15:47But you won't lie for Niles.
15:48Oh, for God's sake.
15:49You make me sound like some sort of insensitive lout
15:51who isn't aware that my brother is out there in pain.
15:53Isn't that Niles' water?
15:56I'm just checking to see it's not too cold.
16:01Niles?
16:03Niles?
16:04I'm over here.
16:08The piano. Niles.
16:11Please, please, just come out from under there.
16:13Things are not that bad.
16:15Not that bad?
16:16Daphne is going to find out about this.
16:18Not if you crawl out before she gets home.
16:22Niles.
16:23Please.
16:24Come out here. Now, come on.
16:26Why should I?
16:27There's nothing for me out there.
16:29It's all lawyers and ex-wives and broken hearts.
16:34All I have to contend with under here is a couple of dust bunnies.
16:38And a few cobwebs.
16:41Some kind of a nest.
16:44God, doesn't your vacuum come with any attachments?
16:48All right, just sit tight and I'll get your wet cloth.
16:51Well, look what you've done. I hope you're happy now.
16:53Well, do you really want to see me lying under oath?
16:56Well, it's better than seeing your brother lying under a piano.
16:59You know, I can't believe you're being so casual about this.
17:02Do you realize you're asking me to do something completely unethical?
17:05Oh, for God's sake, nobody's even going to know.
17:07That's the point.
17:09Ethics are what we do when no one else is looking.
17:11Ethics are what we do when no one else is looking.
17:13For heaven's sake, I learned that from you.
17:16Are you saying you wouldn't have any trouble with this?
17:18Niles.
17:19Here.
17:21Let me tell you something.
17:23One time when I was on the force, I saw a guy shoot somebody.
17:26When we caught him, I started to read him his rights,
17:29but he slipped out of his cuffs and he swung at me,
17:31so I didn't get a chance to finish.
17:33Two months later, I'm on the stand,
17:35and his lawyer asks me if I read him his rights in full.
17:38Now, if I say no, this guy walks.
17:40And this guy's been in and out of jail all his life.
17:43He could have read me his rights.
17:45So I say, yes, I did.
17:47I read him in full.
17:49I lied under oath.
17:51Now, you might think that I did an unethical thing,
17:54but there's not a doubt in my mind that I did the right thing.
18:04Well, Dad, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do.
18:06Why do you have to make everything so complicated?
18:09I just know that I'm never going to figure out anything with you barking in my ear.
18:13Then where are you going?
18:14To get some air.
18:15Oh, yeah, yeah. Run away, just like you always do.
18:19Boy, I sometimes don't understand your brother.
18:23I guess some of us can deal with a tough situation head on,
18:27and others just need an escape.
18:31Dr. Crane?
18:32They'll be ready for you in just a few minutes.
18:38Fisher.
18:39Hey, have you, uh...
18:40Niles, no, not yet.
18:43Uh, Daphne's still in the conference room.
18:47The place is slithering with Marissa's lawyers.
18:50Oh, yeah.
18:51Never a mongoose around when you need one.
18:54Listen, Frasier, I'm sorry I ever put you in this position.
18:57Niles, it's not your fault.
18:59No, listen, I thought a lot about this last night,
19:01and I realized the way I was carrying on yesterday
19:04was just making it harder for you to do whatever you feel is the right thing.
19:08Well, to be honest, I'm still not really sure what the right thing is.
19:12Well, if it makes any difference,
19:14I've decided to tell Donnie everything about Daphne.
19:17Oh, I see.
19:19Well, if it makes any difference,
19:21I've decided to tell Donnie everything about Daphne.
19:24Really?
19:25Yes, and he can proceed however he sees fit.
19:28But why, Niles?
19:29Well, I started to wonder,
19:32maybe my feelings for Daphne did affect my marriage.
19:36Maybe on some intuitive level, Marissa knew all along.
19:40I can't be certain that that's not what drove her to Shanklin.
19:43Listen to me.
19:45The only reason that marriage lasted as long as it did
19:47was because of the effort that you put into it.
19:49From the moment you slipped that ring under her bony finger,
19:53and it slipped right off again.
19:57There is no way that this divorce is your fault.
20:02I wish I could be sure of that.
20:04Okay, Frasier. Oh, Niles.
20:06Okay, good. Frasier, they're just about ready for you.
20:08Wait for me outside the conference room, will you?
20:10And don't go in without me.
20:12I want a word alone with your brother here.
20:14Right.
20:16Wish there was something I could do, Niles.
20:18Well, there is.
20:20When you go home this afternoon,
20:22leave a bottle of sherry under the piano.
20:29Wait for me.
20:33Niles, I'm really glad you're here.
20:35There's something I want to talk to you about.
20:36Yeah, Donnie, I need to talk to you, too.
20:38No, me first.
20:39Now, the only way that this relationship is going to work, Niles,
20:42is if we're completely honest with each other.
20:44I agree.
20:45Well, I've been doing a little digging.
20:46I've been finding out you've been holding out on me.
20:48And I'm very sorry about that.
20:50Well, why didn't you tell me that's where Maris' money came from?
20:52It's never easy.
20:56Maris' money?
20:57Yeah.
20:58I mean, you told me that Maris' family money came from timber.
21:02It did. It did come from timber.
21:05Oh, that's what you really think.
21:09Well, of course, it's true.
21:11And that's what all of Maris' friends think, too?
21:13All those country club snobs who would kill for a good piece of dirt on someone?
21:17What are you talking about?
21:19If her family money didn't come from timber, where did it come from?
21:40Urinal cakes?
21:44I don't believe this.
21:50All these years, the Doyenne of Seattle's elite, looking down her nose at everyone in sight,
21:57she owes it all to this.
21:59She's managed to have her urinal cake and eat it, too.
22:05And I think we now have what's known in the legal profession as a bargaining chip.
22:10Oh, are you kidding?
22:11She'd give anything to keep this quiet.
22:13All right, let me go talk to Maris' lawyers.
22:15No, no, no, no.
22:16There's some news you want to deliver yourself, may I?
22:19Absolutely.
22:27Hello, Marta.
22:28I'd like to speak to Maris.
22:30Oh, why not?
22:33Ah, she's in the final level of her guru's serenity training,
22:38the week-long vow of silence, day six.
22:41No, no, no, Marta, that's all right.
22:43She doesn't have to come to the phone.
22:45Just give her this message.
22:47I've flushed out her family secret.
22:53Hello, Maris.
23:00I can't remember the last time I felt this way.
23:03The air is sweeter, colors are brighter.
23:07This is my very senses have come alive.
23:10That makes perfect sense, Niles.
23:12You've just won your life back.
23:14Oh, wait, wait, wait, Frank, watch this.
23:15Excuse me, excuse me.
23:16Today's special blend, Jamaican Blue Mountain.
23:20Yes, it is.
23:21Oh, Niles, that was very good.
23:23That's my favorite.
23:24Well done.
23:25The beans were gathered on the shady side of the northern slope.
23:28Don't push it.
23:31I still can't believe this is all over.
23:35I never dreamed I'd get a settlement like that.
23:38I'll be able to get my whole life back.
23:40My apartment, my car.
23:44I owe it all to one amazing man.
23:46Well, thank you, Niles, but I can't take all the credit.
23:50I know, you're thinking of Donnie.
23:52Well, don't think I'm not grateful for all you did.
23:55You know, actually, tell the truth.
23:56If it hadn't been for me badgering you into changing your lawyers,
23:59Donnie Douglas never would have come into your life.
24:05Of course, we mustn't forget Roz's part in all of this.
24:09Waiter.
24:10Who understands why anything happens?
24:12I mean, it's remarkable how completely one's life can change in an instant.
24:22Oh, Niles.
24:26Hi, you two.
24:27Oh, hello.
24:28Oh, hi.
24:29How are you doing?
24:30Oh, congratulations, Dr. Crane.
24:33I'm so happy for you.
24:34Thank you, Daphne.
24:36Oh, what are you two doing here together?
24:38Oh, well, you know, we talked.
24:40We got a little hungry, and then we drank a little bit too much wine,
24:44and then we laughed a little too much.
24:46Oh, listen to us.
24:47We sound like an old married couple.
24:48I know.
24:49You know, Fraser, if you hadn't brought Niles to the office,
24:51then none of this would have happened.
24:54I guess I owe you one.
24:56Well, now, we mustn't forget Roz's part in all of this.
25:03That scent is wonderful.
25:05What is that?
25:08Cherry bark and almonds.
25:11Oh.
25:28Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin',
25:30tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:34Oh, my.
25:36And maybe I seem a bit confused.
25:39Yeah, maybe.
25:40But I got you, pegs.
25:42Ha, ha, ha, ha.
25:44But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:53They're callin' again.
25:56Scrambled eggs all over my face.
25:59What is a boy to do?
26:04Fraser has left the building.
26:09Oh.