Frasier Season 2 Episode 11 Seat Of Power
Frasier Season 2 Episode 11 Seat Of Power
Transcript
00:00Well, I think we've got time for one last call. Who's up next for us?
00:04We have Elliot on line three.
00:08Hello, Elliot. I'm listening.
00:11Well, you see, Dr. Crane, I have this problem. I'm a salesman.
00:15A salesman? How old are you?
00:19Forty-three.
00:21Forty-three?
00:23Yeah.
00:25Well, be truthful.
00:28Forty-three.
00:31Now, Elliot, we were not born yesterday. Clearly, you are just an adolescent
00:36trying to prove to your little friends how clever you are by getting on the radio.
00:40But you know what you're really doing? You're taking time away from people with real problems.
00:44Hey, I'm 43, and I was going to say my problem is I have a very young-sounding voice.
00:49The people make fun of all the time.
00:54Oh, I... I'm so sorry, Elliot. That was very insensitive of me.
01:00Ha! Gotcha, Dr. Doofus!
01:12Yes, indeed, you did get us, Elliot, but we are not so stuffy here on this program
01:17that we can't laugh at ourselves from time to time.
01:21Ross, can't you keep these pebbly-faced little maggots off the air?
01:25Well, that's our show for today.
01:28This is Dr. Crane signing off and wishing you good mental health.
01:38Have a good weekend, Ross.
01:40Wait, Frasier. I want to ask you a question. I want you to give me an honest answer.
01:45No, that outfit does not make you look fat.
01:48Well, that wasn't the question. Why would you think it was?
01:51Well, as a rule, when a woman prefaces a question with,
01:53I want an honest answer, that's usually the question.
01:56Well, I'm not that insecure.
01:58All right. I'm sorry. You're right. Your question, please.
02:02Would you say the back of my head is unattractive?
02:09Ross, have you completely lost your mind?
02:11No, I'm serious. You know how I've seasoned my hair?
02:14Ross, have you completely lost your mind?
02:16No, I'm serious. You know how I've seasoned tickets to the Seahawks games?
02:20Well, there's this really cute guy who sits right behind me,
02:23and a few weeks ago we said hi and we smiled at each other,
02:26but so far he hasn't asked me out yet.
02:28So I was thinking maybe there was something, you know, weird about the back of my head.
02:33Ross, there could be hundreds of reasons why he hasn't asked you out.
02:38Thank you. That makes me feel much better.
02:41Maybe he's married, maybe he's in a relationship, maybe he's gay,
02:45or maybe, just maybe, he's there to watch a football game and not cruise chicks.
02:51Okay, you're right. I'm being ridiculous.
02:54Of course you are. See you Monday.
02:57All right. I saw that.
03:12You are not getting the rest of my scone, so just forget it.
03:21Mmm. It's really good, too.
03:26Mmm, num, num, num.
03:30Listen, I don't care. You can sit there until you're blue in the face.
03:34As far as I'm concerned, you don't even exist. You're not even here.
03:42All right. Here. Get that.
03:50I got you again, huh? You're such a soft touch.
03:54I am not.
03:55Well, he never begs when I'm eating.
03:57Maybe he doesn't like what you're eating.
03:59Trust me, he's not picky. I saw him eat a beetle.
04:04Eddie! Let's go for another walk.
04:09I thought you already walked him this morning.
04:11I did. Twice.
04:13You gotta go again?
04:14No, actually, I do.
04:18That didn't sound right.
04:20There's a very nice-looking gentleman who plays frisbee in the park with his labrador.
04:25Eddie and I are hoping to run into them again.
04:28Come on, Eddie. He's just playing how to get.
04:31I'm glad somebody is.
04:34Hey, Frasier, how about fixing that toilet of yours?
04:37It keeps running all the time. The noise is driving me crazy.
04:40All right, Dad. I'll call a plumber.
04:42What do you mean, call a plumber? You got two hands. Fix it yourself.
04:46Dad? I am a doctor.
04:51More important things to do with my life than to fix a toilet.
04:56Hello, Niles.
04:57Good news, Frasier. I pulled some strings at the spa.
05:00And they're squeezing us in for a salt glow with our Swedish massage.
05:03Fabulous!
05:06Forget about the plumber. I'll do it myself.
05:09My manicure is cancelled on me.
05:12Oh. Dad, you will not do it yourself.
05:15I bet you don't even have any tools around here.
05:17Oh, well, that's where you're wrong. Let me show you something, mister.
05:21Here. See this?
05:24Every possible tool for every possible need.
05:27Got this from Hammerker Schlemmer.
05:30Is that turquoise inlay?
05:32Yes, it also comes in ebony and onyx.
05:36Onyx?
05:37Onyx is so showy. I don't think you want onyx on it.
05:40Why not?
05:41Onyx is a stone that resonates within you.
05:44This is why I never took any home movies.
05:48Don't you realize what a couple of delicate doilies you are?
05:52Don't you realize what a couple of delicate doilies you are?
05:58Gee, you don't know the meaning of the word self-reliant.
06:02Thank God there's not a national disaster happening, you'd be helpless.
06:06Oh, oh, a lemon zester. Yes.
06:15You know, Niles...
06:18I'd actually like to fix that toilet just to prove Dad wrong.
06:23Frasier, when a man is born with superior genes,
06:27the last challenge he should face involving a toilet is learning how to use one.
06:31Yes, but we've conquered the intellectual world,
06:35but in the world of nuts and bolts, we're at the mercy of tradesmen.
06:39You're serious?
06:40Yes. We could borrow some tools and fix it ourselves.
06:43It'd be good practical experience and it would shut Dad up.
06:46We'll show him we're made of tougher stuff than he thinks.
06:49Exactly.
06:50And it's early. We can let the eucalyptus rat be our reward.
07:02Maris, I'm afraid I'll be delayed a few hours.
07:06Frasier and I have taken it upon ourselves to tackle a home repair.
07:11Yes, I'm working with my hands.
07:16Yes, I've worked up a bit of a sweat.
07:21I suppose I could take my shirt off.
07:24Niles, what are you doing?
07:26She seems to be getting aroused by my attempt at manual labor.
07:32Maris, I'm holding some sort of wrench.
07:38Give me that.
07:40Hello, Maris.
07:42Maris, Niles is busy now.
07:44Now, never mind what I'm wearing.
07:49Now, may we continue, please?
07:51Fine.
07:52All right.
07:53Take the ball clock assembly, thread it through the tank hole...
07:57It's done.
07:58...and fasten it under the tank with a lock nut.
08:02Yes, very well. Lock nut.
08:05I see Niles, until today, didn't even know what a lock nut was.
08:09That Niles is dead. Call me Dutch.
08:15No, Niles.
08:17Working with our hands like this, I'm reminded of that glorious tradition...
08:23...of the Amish barn raising.
08:26All of the men of the village coming together, the mind, the muscle...
08:32...all toward that one simple yet extraordinary goal.
08:41All right.
08:44We are ready to flush.
08:50Here's to what the Crane brothers can accomplish when they put their minds to it.
08:54Flush away.
09:02It's working!
09:04Oh, my God, it's working!
09:06Look, it's draining out of the tank into the bowl.
09:09And then the tank?
09:10Oh, I've seen it a million times, but never has it met so much.
09:13It's glorious!
09:14Grazer, shouldn't it be stopping now?
09:16One would think so, yes.
09:18It's overflowing.
09:19Oh, look at that. What does it say to do now?
09:25Oh, it says nothing. Where are all your Amish friends now?
09:33The plumber's been called. The wine is properly chilled.
09:37Suddenly my world makes sense again.
09:43We've had a tough day.
09:46We've tangled with a little pipe and porcelain.
09:50Now it's Montrachet time.
09:55Mm.
09:57Oh.
09:58Mm.
10:00When you think about it, our only mistake today was trying to fix that toilet ourselves.
10:04Yes, we tampered with the natural order of things.
10:11But now order has been restored.
10:14By hiring a plumber, that plumber can now afford, say, a Dolly Parton album.
10:20His Parton can then finance a national tour, which will, of course, come to Seattle,
10:24allowing some local promoter to make enough money to send his cross-dressing teenage son to us for $150 an hour therapy.
10:39To the circle of life.
10:43To the circle of life.
10:50Must be the plumber.
10:52Well, are you going to answer that, or are you going to hire somebody to do that for you, too?
10:56Dad, we tried, okay?
11:00Oh, please. I wasn't doing anything. Let me get it.
11:07Somebody call for a plumber?
11:09Not nearly soon enough.
11:11Follow me.
11:13What a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
11:16Well, Daphne, we are not plumbers. We're psychiatrists.
11:19Yeah, well, there are some heads you shouldn't tamper with.
11:32Fraser, you've got to get him out of here.
11:35What?
11:37That man is not fit to touch your toilet.
11:41Niles, have you been self-medicating again?
11:49That was Danny Creasel.
11:51Creasel the weasel?
11:54How can you be sure? It's been 25 years.
11:57I'd recognize him anywhere. He bullied me throughout my entire childhood.
12:04He certainly didn't recognize you just now.
12:06Because he wasn't sticking my head in the toilet and flushing it.
12:11That was his trademark. He called it a swirly.
12:17Niles, you don't have to remind me of the Creasel reign of terror.
12:21I'm quite convinced I can trace my fear of confined spaces back to the time when his older brother, Billy, shoved me into a locker.
12:30Wearing a girl's field hockey uniform.
12:36I'm sorry, I didn't mean to deny you your pain. Thank you.
12:41I can still hear the laughter in Creasel's mocking voice as he'd hoist me over the ball.
12:47Hold your breath, Jocko.
12:52Then the crowd would start its awful chant.
12:55There goes Crane, down the drain.
12:58There goes Crane, down the drain.
13:00There goes Niles. Get a hold of yourself. Stop it.
13:11You're no longer an awkward teenager. You're a renowned psychiatrist.
13:15Danny Creasel may have won a battle or two back in junior high, but that's where he peaked.
13:21You won the war.
13:24You know the expression, living well is the best revenge?
13:29It's a wonderful expression. I just don't know how true it is.
13:33I don't see it turning up in a lot of opera plots.
13:41Ludwig, maddened by the poisoning of his entire family, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act by living well.
13:50All right, Niles.
13:52But upon Wotown, discovering his deception, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act again by living even better than the two.
13:58Oh, all right.
14:05That's a new part, right?
14:08Yeah.
14:09Because I'm sure you're charging me for a new part, so I wouldn't want you using a used part.
14:18What are you, the plumbing police?
14:22I'll be back.
14:36Don't mind me, I just came in for some aspirin.
14:40Tannic acid gives me the tiniest headache, but that's the price I pay for drinking nothing but expensive wine.
14:53Hey.
14:55Yeah.
14:56Listen, you got a real mess here.
14:58I'm gonna have to call the shop, have my partner bring out a whole bunch of new parts.
15:03You're living with two guys on golden time. Is that okay with you?
15:06It's only money.
15:10Say, um, has somebody been trying to fix this thing?
15:14Not me.
15:17I don't even set the clock in my Mercedes E320.
15:24Boy, that's a nice car.
15:27Yes, I should say it is.
15:30I had one for a while, but it was too small for the whole family, so we upgraded to the S-Class.
15:40You have the big Mercedes?
15:43Oh, yeah.
15:45And I gotta tell you, my 13-year-old's already got his eye on it.
15:49That's a great kid right there.
15:52Except he got in a fight at school the other day.
15:55Oh, really?
15:57With some small-boned child with superior language skills?
16:01No!
16:03No!
16:10It was some big jerk on the football team who tried to steal his lunch money.
16:14Oh.
16:15Yeah.
16:16Well, there's nothing like a bully.
16:19Well, I gotta tell you.
16:22I'd rather you be a bully than one of those wussy kids that always gets picked on.
16:27You know the kind I'm talking about?
16:29The kids who are too gutless to fight back?
16:32So, you admire someone who fights back, do you?
16:36Well, sure! I mean...
16:40You know, if you don't fight back, what are you?
16:44You're a wuss. You're a wimp.
16:47You're a...
16:48Stop!
16:51Leave the man alone while he's trying to work!
17:02What's Dr. Crane doing?
17:09He's a little frustrated because I wouldn't let him do something.
17:13He's taking his anger out on my fighters.
17:17I've never seen him so angry. He's like a madman.
17:23Good Lord!
17:28Good Lord!
17:30There's a bee out there the size of a wood finch!
17:36Well, Niles, you've had a chance to cool off. Are you ready to talk about this now?
17:39No, I'm not ready yet.
17:48Niles...
17:50I have to be honest. I'm a little disappointed in you.
17:55Were you actually going to stick another human being's head into a toilet?
18:01You don't seem to understand. I feel this rage.
18:04It's as if this beast has been awakened within me.
18:07Can you get that for me?
18:13Niles...
18:15You see, there is a beast in all of us.
18:18Part of becoming a rational adult is learning to control it.
18:22That's what separates us from the creasels of this world.
18:26That and their tendency to squat on their haunches and groom each other.
18:32Don't you see, you have an opportunity with Danny that I have never had with Billy.
18:37To confront him as a rational adult and achieve some closure.
18:43Easier said than done, Frasier.
18:46Come look at that oafish face, those dead creasel eyes.
18:52You see, there is no chance for communication.
18:54Yes, there is, Niles. There has to be.
18:58I can't go in there and talk to him.
19:00If the coward turns his back on me, I'll attack him again.
19:03No, you won't.
19:05You're not a child anymore. Now come with me. I'm taking you to the bathroom.
19:17Excuse me, sir.
19:19I'd like to have a word with you.
19:22Yeah, go ahead.
19:25I'd like to take you back in time to the 1970s.
19:29There was an intellectually gifted young student at John Adams Junior High.
19:35You took it upon yourself to terrorize that student.
19:39Simply because he was different from you.
19:42I was that student.
19:45No kidding.
19:47I was hoping we could step into the living room and come to some sort of understanding.
19:52It's okay with me. Any room in the house is still 59 bucks an hour.
20:01I'll be right back, Billy.
20:15Billy?
20:18That's my brother for you. Always getting into stuff.
20:22But if you ask me, your friend over there is getting all worked up over nothing.
20:28You think so, Billy?
20:30Kids pick on other kids. It's part of growing up.
20:33If anything, it made those weak kids tougher.
20:36Really?
20:38Come on, you're a big guy.
20:41You must have been involved in some kind of stuff.
20:44Oh, I was involved.
20:53Billy?
20:55I would like to take you back in time.
20:57No.
20:59Let me take you back.
21:01I remember once we jammed this poindexter into a locker
21:07wearing a girls' field hockey uniform.
21:14No, I'm sorry. I just don't remember you.
21:18No?
21:20Perhaps you'll remember third period gym class.
21:23You used to make me wear my jockstrap like a tiara.
21:28Oh, yeah.
21:30Oh, yeah.
21:32Were you the kid who used to carry his gym shorts in an attache case?
21:45It was a valise.
21:51I remember you.
21:53Boy, those were some crazy times.
21:56Do you ever see any of the old gang?
21:59Look, you're missing the point.
22:03I was severely scarred by those experiences.
22:07Hey, wait a minute.
22:09I can't defend everything I did back in junior high. I mean, who can?
22:13But let's face it.
22:15When you show up at school wearing a tweed blazer with elbow patches
22:19and carrying a valise, I mean,
22:22I think the guilt here is 50-50.
22:30He's yelling at us something about repressed tendencies.
22:35So he stuffed a fire extinguisher down his pants.
22:39We called it a jet pack.
22:43Man, you remember them all.
22:47Well, then, my next question to you would be, why did you behave this way?
22:53Well, I don't know. I mean...
22:56I guess because people thought it was funny.
23:00I see, I see.
23:02So then, to get this validation, you would, say,
23:06squeeze my head between your ankles and hop around the lunchroom.
23:11I did that to you?
23:14Yes.
23:16How does that make you feel?
23:20Well, kind of bad.
23:25The healing has begun.
23:30So, in front of the whole bus, we pantsed him.
23:34He's yelling at us, give me back my pants.
23:38But, whoops, they fell out the window.
23:44So then it's possible these acts of aggression were actually misplaced outbursts aimed at your father.
23:50Yes.
23:56He was the real bully, wasn't he?
23:58Oh, yes.
24:01Let it out, Danny, let it out.
24:03Nothing I ever did was good enough for him.
24:07I am so sorry that I picked on you, man.
24:13I just wanted to be good at something, and I was good at that.
24:22You were the best.
24:25And then we made him dance the hula in his underwear in front of all the girls.
24:33You should have been there.
24:35I was there.
24:39Thanks, this has just been terrific for me.
24:43I can't take all the credit.
24:45Half the thanks belongs to my brother.
24:47He convinced me that a civilized person can work anything out, as long as he approaches it in a calm, rational manner.
24:55Run, Niles, run! The beast is loose!
25:04So you really shoved his head right in here?
25:08I don't know, Dad, it's really all sort of a blur.
25:11I guess I just lost control.
25:14Bet it felt good, though, didn't it?
25:16No.
25:18It felt damn good.
25:22Ah, it's too bad you didn't do it 20 years ago.
25:25You could have given him a much better shot.
25:28Ah, it's too bad you didn't do it 20 years ago.
25:31You could have given him a much better swirly.
25:34These low-flow toilets don't have the same velocity as the old ones.
25:41So what did he do to you?
25:43He didn't have the nerve to do a thing.
25:46You paid him off, huh?
25:48I've never written a check so quickly in my life.
25:53Well, there she goes.
25:57Good as new.
25:59Thanks, Dad. Can I buy you a beer?
26:01Oh, yeah, sounds good.
26:07Come on, Eddie.
26:12Oh, for God's sake, Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet.
26:17Some guy just had his head in there.
26:27Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
26:29Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:33Mercy
26:35And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:38Yeah, maybe, but I got your pegs
26:41Ha, ha, ha, ha
26:44But I don't know what to do
26:46With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:52They're calling again
26:55Scrambled eggs all over my face
26:58What is it more to do?
27:03Goodnight, Seattle, we love you!