Frasier Season 4 Episode 4 A Crane's Critiqu E
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00is it me or is the foam a tad dense today like a dreary fog on a Scottish moor rather than
00:09accent it overwhelms rather than flirt it assaults rather than watching the ballgame I have to listen
00:17to this hey you guys oh yes Frazier listen don't forget your staff meeting tomorrow it starts it
00:28well I certainly hope his tailor can fix the two holes he just burned in his jacket they're not in
00:38his jacket it starts tomorrow at 10 thank you hey Marty what are you doing here the dragon man to
00:47buy some new clothes we're taking him to Rodolfo's once a year sales 50% off the alterations are
00:54free big deal butts quality as they do that every day yes not to mention the convenience of getting
00:59your Bigfoot pizza right next door these guys think I have bad taste in clothes I like the
01:06way you dress I believe that's what's called the clincher shall we go we can get it over with yeah
01:16you could show a little more enthusiasm are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes
01:31please I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I put my car
01:35general over there in the final sure be more your time yeah a chance see the way he's slurping
01:48his orange juice sloppy kisser now you can tell right away the guy is no good in bed so cautious
01:56look at the way he's blowing on his coffee I wasn't trying to cool it I was simply blowing a
02:12foam hole you don't even wrinkle the sheets do you man across the street at the newsstand is that
02:23who I think it is he does look familiar it's TH Halton no just think back to the picture on the
02:30dust cover of his time flies tomorrow little older greater time flies tomorrow I read that in high
02:37school what else did he write nothing that's the crux of his entire legend to the man published one
02:42masterpiece and then the 30 years since he's become a virtual recluse oh my god it is to
02:49this we're a stone's throw away from one of the giants of American literature not the way you
02:55throw this is incredible my god the man's entire life is shrouded in mystery there he is I've always
03:04idolized him but I wouldn't give to meet that man well why don't you go up and introduce yourself
03:09I can't just walk up to a god like that well to find a subtler way in your vernacular that would
03:16be quite to slingshot your panties across the street she happens to be right how often do you
03:28get an opportunity like this come on let's go all right yeah come on we're going what's the
03:35rush teenage Houghton is across the street who come on let's go
03:51no I thought you said you saw how can come in here well I'm sorry if my tracking skills
03:57aren't up to your standard perhaps instead of asking for a baby brother you should have
04:01asked for a German short-haired pointer I did
04:07oh I'm sorry you must still be out on the street let's go I'm parking it here they got
04:13the Mariners game on dead dead please we can't waste time let him be he's dead wait right
04:17what's the score four to three Mariners
04:26but he must look cut off man you believe that man makes seven billion a year that's crazy
04:35see him scratching his butt it's about five grand right there let me have a Valentine yeah make it
04:44so that's your favorite character really yeah yeah I really like him you know it's got a guy
04:58just sit and have a beer with well I could see you saying that about horse but little Joe
05:04that's the great thing about bonanza there's something for everyone
05:09oh thank you mr. false alarm oh look there he is over the yogurt store oh look there is the
05:19futon store and now he's leaving I must tell him what an impact his book has made on my life I'm
05:30too afraid it'll sound just a bit unoriginal why cuz I'm gonna say it first I just wanted
05:36to tell you that my book changed your life that's what no no but I changed mine to look I'm sorry I
05:44don't like to discuss my work well that was humiliating never felt so rejected in my life
05:54no no don't take it so hard who would know he was so sensitive hey aren't you dr. Frazier crane
06:00sorry do you realize who you were just talking to that was th houghton yeah I know well what did
06:11you two talk about oh I don't know this and that dead virtually nothing is known about this man
06:18can't you give us something specific I would just guy stuff you know baseball TV shows all war
06:25stories no I did you know about the time I made the stew and the platoon got sick
06:31he liked it oh he's a nice guy I think maybe I'll buy one of his books not books dad book book he
06:44wrote one book and never wrote again well if only we'd arrived ten minutes earlier we could have
06:50been talking to him explored that mammoth intellect can you imagine the torture the
06:56man's endured to a peak that such an early age oh my god Frasier look it's a doodle not just any
07:03doodle that's a Houghton doodle it's mine no it's mine it's mine dad what do you care no I mean I drew
07:10I don't know when I've enjoyed an exhibit more the artist's choice to make that still life a
07:25monochrome was a stroke of genius conveyed such despair yes it was so refreshing to see a sad
07:32peach how about that curator it's kind of a peach yourself was a cubism there
07:41oh Ted Ted I'd like you to meet my sons this is Frazier and Niles the big fans here hi guys mr.
07:55we words can't express I guess not nice meeting you folks we missed them again what's going on
08:14that's odd I'm still where you two going oh Ted's taking me out of this bratwurst place he knows
08:23yummy my god that's our favorite yeah nice meeting you
08:33could be broken well maybe if you came into the apartment we'll call down to the front desk no
08:39I'm sure it'll work this time the hell was he doing here we might know if you
08:55haven't spent an hour pondering the despair of the peach this is the man
09:01who spent 30 minutes looking at woman with a rectangular head Oh was mrs.
09:07in the lobby again no you explained to me just how th Houghton ended up in my apartment well
09:17he's only in town for a couple of days and he doesn't know too many people so he looked you
09:23father up gave him a ring and mr. Crane invited him over to watch the Mariners game he was here
09:31yes it's a shame you couldn't be here because he told the most fascinating stories and of course
09:39he and your father and getting on like old chums but the sweetest thing was how we took to Eddie
09:45he spent time with it but in this afternoon biscuit well the madness never end let's not
09:57give up hope maybe dad will bring him back to the apartment after dinner oh I doubt it
10:03I'll probably run into J.D. Salinger and Salman Rushdie go out for margaritas
10:09sorry enough he's near mrs. just excruciating
10:28mr. McGarrett
10:34don't you dare love your miserable little biscuit whore
10:58thanks Eddie
11:01afternoon Debbie good dog
11:22oh dr. Craig it's a good thing you're home mr. Houghton's dropping by to pick up your father
11:31for the Mariners game you serious he's coming back yes any minute it's a doubleheader they
11:39play two games all right but this is this is incredibly good fortune for me I finally get
11:48to spend some time alone with a man even just a few minutes definitely a deer in stall dad
11:56will you if he gives you any trouble just hide his cane what fortuitous timing um you know the
12:06wine shop just called a moment ago simply they're down at their last two cases of the 82 Chambord
12:11you know very well that in 1982 there was a drought in Burgundy the locals dubbed it the
12:30year of the raisin and that wine was never sold by the case only by the bottle th Houghton is
12:43here isn't he no fine then you won't mind if I just hang around for a while oh all right he's
12:54on his way me and daddy going to a baseball game it's a doubleheader they play two games
13:01oh dad so I hear that mr. Houghton's on his way over maybe we could all have lunch before you
13:13head off well that's a splendid idea nah game starts from 45 minutes well then perhaps you
13:18can come by after the game for a drink no sorry that won't work either he's got to go to his
13:22publisher's drop off his new book it was a new book I've lost the feeling in my legs
13:37well did he say anything about it the characters the setting no I just said it was a book dad you
13:45have to skip the game it's not just for our benefit after all this baseball the man must
13:50be starved for intellectual stimulation oh I know what you're saying that someone like that
13:55would have to prefer to spend time with you instead of some dumb bell like me have you
13:59not dummy mr. point entirely let's just say for example you came home one afternoon I was sitting
14:06here discussing literature with them I don't know give me the name of a baseball player Darryl
14:11strawberry no a real one the problem is you push too hard we just talk sports have a few
14:21laughs that's all you know I never asked him about his work that's probably why he told me about the
14:27book hello hi how you doing hey Ted come on in Marty so you two boys are off to the baseball game
14:42doubleheader that's two games yeah little known fact about baseball the owner of the Boston Red
14:57Sox sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees to finance a Broadway musical no no Nanette
15:03you're ready Marty let's go I really enjoyed chatting with you if you drop back by after
15:17the game we could pick up where we left off it look no no Nanette I'm sorry there were exactly
15:29two things I could possibly add to a baseball conversation that and no just the one Frazier
15:43yes have you noticed how Houghton always carries a satchel with him wherever he goes
15:48well as a matter of fact I have and didn't dad mention that Houghton was on his way to his
15:56publishers after the game with the new manuscript yes and would that be the very same satchel which
16:02is now resting under my head oh my god wait should we we should could we live with ourselves
16:15if we did we live with ourselves if we didn't could we live with ourselves either way
16:32the chameleon song by th hub these are handwritten corrections Frazier this is his
16:53original manuscript shame on you going through someone else's personal property well it's just
17:05plain wrong and I know your father wouldn't approve of course I wouldn't be here to tell
17:11him if I had the day off fine go great having a day off is pretty meaningless when you have no
17:26money to you know maybe go to lunch or do some shopping perhaps taking a show
17:33all right now shall we not yet the atmosphere has to be absolutely perfect for it yes let's
17:46begin with the lighting all right just say when warmer warmer a little cooler touch warmer hair
18:04back no no just no a hair the other way touch warmer perfect excellent excellent what wine would
18:24most enhance the experience no not one might dull our faculties perhaps instead a slow-sipping
18:33cordial would be the proper garnish sherry oh well see that's why you're the older brother
18:42hmm what is it I don't think you're there yet
19:12Oh
19:22well it's a masterpiece Eddie I never thought I'd utter
19:42these words but it actually surpasses time flies tomorrow Eddie please I'm to save in a moment
19:53how was the game
20:12is that my manuscript what the hell's going on you went through my bag that's my personal property
20:20I don't believe you to mr. Houghton we we are terribly terribly sorry the temptation to read
20:30it was just too great Oh what's that supposed to mean you're grown man both the at least I thought
20:35you were you had no right to touch that Ted I'm sorry I'm just so ashamed Marty it's all right no
20:44it's not oh no it's okay really somebody had to read it first so what did you think of the book
20:56no of my typing yes of course the book it's great Wow well at least you'll like this I'm
21:16gonna have to be running are you sure no no no I got an appointment can I use the
21:22right okay boy I've had it with you guys you were awesome little Joe Ben Cartwright and kick
21:34your sorry butts right off the Ponderosa dad that we're sorry very sorry
21:47he's back on the cartwrights again you know Sunday we really should ask him just who the
22:00hell I are you know my house one thing just really bugs me how I'm gonna leave here today
22:10thinking we're just a couple of inarticulate simpletons what were those pithy comments we
22:15made about his masterpiece it's great Wow Wow down in history of the same boom of first red
22:23Hamlet and told Shakespeare my goodness what a parchment Turner it's not too late he hasn't
22:32left yet yes yes we could still say something it would show him that we appreciated the full
22:38complexity of his work mr. Hartman you know there is there is one further thing I'd like to
22:47add about your book yeah well it's the way you you modulated into the second-person narrative
22:53during the flashback scene well frankly big as anything Faulkner attempted really that's
22:59that's very flattering oh I have one too where you so skillfully mirrored the structure of Dante's
23:08divine comedy was inspired really yes yes but the inferno of the bordello which we noticed had
23:14exactly nine room uh-huh uh-huh to the purgatory of the assembly line and finally to the paradise
23:22of the farm you both saw that oh it practically jumped off the page oh that's that's very perceptive
23:32absolutely right this whole book is crap thank you pardon how could I be so blind I lifted the
23:47entire structure from Dante oh you mean you weren't going for that of course not this confirms my worst
23:55fear I have nothing original left to say I'm an empty shell I was a fool to think I had a second
24:03book in me the winters were harsh on the farm well here's something to warm them up what's going on
24:13here you're both right I'm a talentless hack who got lucky one time I didn't say that you're not
24:20listening to these two are you look at this trash won't even burn only it's a fire place
24:25you see it's not well ventilated this book doesn't belong in a fireplace it belongs in the gutter
24:31where the rest of society's garbage I want to thank you
24:50if I had published that book my reputation would have been destroyed at least now I'm left with a
24:57shred of dignity well you've destroyed a man's life not to mention depriving future
25:27generations of a work of art he actually published it the critics really would have noticed that
25:34Dante parallel if he felt bad hearing it from us imagine how he would have felt reading it in the
25:42New York Review of Books Oh God given this fragile ego he would have been completely devastated knows
25:49what he might have done you know now we saved that man's life yes I think you're right on the
26:04other hand don't go there see that's why you're the older brother
26:20hey baby I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs mercy and maybe I seem
26:31a bit confused yeah maybe but I got you pegs but I don't know what to do with those tossed salads
26:42and scrambled eggs they're calling again scrambled eggs all over my face what is the body dude
26:55Frazier has left the building