Frasier Season 6 Episode 7 How To Bury A Millionaire
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00:00You know where we should go tonight?
00:03Franny's Fish and Chips.
00:05Dad, we're taking Niles out to boost his spirits, not his cholesterol.
00:10Oh, please. That French food you guys eat is full of butter and cheese.
00:15Yes, but at least it's not prepared by a woman working a deep fryer in a battered, dipped brassiere.
00:22Hey, isn't that Niles?
00:23Huh? Where?
00:24Loving that old hatchback.
00:27No. Niles would never be seen on anything called a hatchback.
00:31Well, it does look a lot like him.
00:37Oh, my God! He's running away!
00:40Well, catch him, Mr. Twelve-Cylinder German Engineering!
00:51Hello?
00:52Niles! What the hell are you doing?
00:54Well, I'm just pulling into my parking garage. You on your way?
00:58What are you talking about? You're driving up Second Avenue!
01:01You're in that little red thing!
01:03No, I'm not. You must be mistaking me for someone else. See you when you get here.
01:09Hey, he's getting away! He just turned right at the corner!
01:16Hello?
01:17Niles? What are you running away from us for? I can see that it's you!
01:20No, you're mistaking me for someone else.
01:24That is ridiculous! I can hear my own horn through the phone!
01:31Frasier, I may lose the connection. I'm just stepping onto my elevator. I'll see you when you...
01:38What's the matter with him?
01:40Matter is, we possessed his car. That must have been all he was able to afford.
01:43It's just a shame to admit it.
01:47Hello?
01:48Niles, do not hang up on me!
01:50We know what's going on!
01:52We're right behind you!
01:54All right, I was afraid this would happen.
01:56I was petrified someone I knew would see me driving this humiliating car.
02:00It looks like some buggy derailed from a carnival ride, except that this has no safety features.
02:07Oh, Niles, you're worrying over nothing!
02:10What kind of person judges you by the sort of car you drive?
02:14Mitzi Gill.
02:15Hell, yes. She might. She drives a Bentley.
02:18She's parking on the corner. She'll see me.
02:22Ow!
02:27Everybody all right?
02:28Dad, come quickly. I need your help.
02:31Oh, my God, what is it?
02:33I need you to get up here and pretend this is your car.
02:45Oh, my shoulder is killing me.
02:48What, Niles, did you bang into the steering wheel?
02:50No, I've been parallel parking all week without power steering.
02:56Let me get you some aspirin.
02:57Oh, thank you, Dad.
02:58Check upstairs in the bathroom off the study.
03:02Pardon the disarray, Frasier.
03:04I've had to cut my cleaning lady down to two times a week.
03:08Yeah, looks like a bomb went off.
03:12I gather your financial situation's gotten a bit shaky.
03:15Oh, yes.
03:16Ever since I rejected Maris' attempt to woo me back,
03:19she's been quite vindictive.
03:21She's frozen all the accounts.
03:23Sherry?
03:26My salary isn't even covering my legal bills.
03:29Well, what do your lawyers tell you?
03:31Well, mostly that my salary isn't even covering my legal bills.
03:41You know, Niles,
03:42this siege is going to continue.
03:44You may have to tighten your belt a bit.
03:46Perhaps we should make up a list of your expenses.
03:50All right.
03:51Here we are.
03:54Oh, not with that pen.
03:55No?
03:56That once belonged to Noel Coward.
03:58Just purchased it.
04:00Well, it is stunning, Niles,
04:01but, you know, if you're going to be economizing,
04:03perhaps you'll have to forego the decorative antique pens.
04:07Could we at least review my list before we make any drastic decisions?
04:12That's my rent.
04:16That's insurance.
04:18You paid that much in rent?
04:21Well, that includes the building newsletter.
04:23It's outrageous!
04:26Niles, are you there?
04:28Yes, Dad.
04:29You can't blame me for the housing market.
04:31This is a simple apartment.
04:33I'm in some room with a lot of books,
04:35but it doesn't have a bathroom.
04:38Oh, that's the library, not the study.
04:41Go down the hall and make a left.
04:43Yes, well, this simple apartment of yours is going to bankrupt you.
04:47You must admit it's a bit large for one person.
04:49Well, don't forget I have a pet.
04:51Are you telling me that your bird requires both a study and a library?
04:58All right, I will return the Noel Coward pen,
05:00but this is my home.
05:03This is a basic necessity.
05:06Okay, I found the aspirin, but I'm lost again.
05:10I'm in a blue room with big rolls of paper.
05:13That's the gift-wrapping room.
05:19Look for the stairs.
05:21The only stairs I could find go up.
05:23You have a third floor?
05:27Practically a crawlspace.
05:30Go out the door to the left.
05:36Don't look at me like that. I have to have a roof over my head.
05:39Why don't you have three roofs over your head?
05:42For God's sake, you're going to have to come to your senses.
05:45Look at the numbers. They don't lie.
05:47I'm afraid you don't have any choice.
05:49All right, now I'm stumped. How do I get down?
05:52There's a bookcase blocking my way.
05:54Well, the bookcase is a secret door, Dad.
05:56How do I open it?
05:58Just poke Mrs. Dalloway on the bottom.
06:00What?
06:01The yellow book on the lower shelf.
06:03Oh. All right.
06:06Frazier, ever since I was a little boy,
06:09I have walked by this building and wondered
06:11what sort of people could live in such a magnificent place.
06:14I know, Niles.
06:16Getting in here after Maris dumped me
06:21proved that I was not a complete failure.
06:23I understand that.
06:26And I have no choice, do I?
06:29I'm sorry.
06:32You know, Niles, perhaps you should move
06:34before you're obligated for another month's rent here.
06:37You can stay at my place until you find something.
06:43Here you go.
06:45You can get your own glass of water.
06:50This aspirin's expired.
06:52Well, it wasn't when I found it.
07:01Oh, Dr. Crane, I'll clean up.
07:03Oh, not necessary.
07:05You've been cooking dinner every night.
07:07I hardly feel like it's my kitchen anymore.
07:09Oh, of course it's your kitchen.
07:11No, no, that doesn't go there.
07:15I know it's probably a bit presumptuous of me
07:19to rearrange your kitchen for you,
07:21but I promise you'll find it a lot more...
07:25...user-friendly.
07:29Where's my jar of Bovril?
07:31No, it wasn't.
07:38Oh, the meat paste.
07:40Well, I threw it out. It smelled rancid.
07:43That's how it's supposed to smell. It's English.
07:49Well, I'm off to bed.
07:53Claus and I have a very important breakfast meeting
07:55with a potential employer tomorrow,
07:57and I can't be burning the midnight oil like you, Dad.
08:02Dad.
08:03What? Oh, all right, I'll get a coaster.
08:06Oh, no.
08:08Dad, what is it with you?
08:10You could barely stay awake during dinner.
08:12Oh, you'd be the same way if you shared a room with Niles
08:15all night long, up and down, shifting,
08:18Niles all night long, up and down,
08:21shifting and tucking.
08:23Well, if it's really annoying you that much,
08:25I'll just move his cart into my room.
08:27At least one of us in this family could show him some compassion.
08:30Well, good luck.
08:31Last night I got up and went to the bathroom.
08:33When I came back, he'd made my bed.
08:49Tch, tch, tch, tch, tch, tch.
08:54Will you be much longer?
08:56Almost done.
08:58I only ask because Roz and I have this very important job interview
09:01tomorrow morning. I'd like to be well-rested.
09:04You've been in there for 20 minutes.
09:06No, I haven't.
09:09Now I have.
09:12You should try this marvelous new facial peel.
09:15It's like getting 10 years back.
09:17Not over the last half hour.
09:20This is gonna be so much fun,
09:22bonking together like when we were kids.
09:29Oh, yes.
09:31It's all coming back to me now.
09:35I just want to tell you again
09:37how much I appreciate her taking me in like this.
09:40Not every brother in your position would be so generous.
09:44Nothing of it, Niles.
09:45You're no trouble at all.
10:16Oh, dear.
10:18The sound of that rain's gonna keep me up all night.
10:22I'm amazed you can hear it over there in Mission Control.
10:28Do you mind if I close the window?
10:30Not at all.
10:33Ah, much better.
10:42Niles, what are you talking about?
10:44That's just more rain noise.
10:46No, it's much more than rain.
10:48This is all the sounds of the Brazilian rainstorm.
10:51Oh, dear.
10:53Niles, what are you talking about?
10:55That's just more rain noise.
10:57No, it's much more than rain.
10:59This is all the sounds of the Brazilian rainforest.
11:04Does it bother you?
11:06No.
11:08Go to bed.
11:14Oh, for God's sake, Niles!
11:17All right, all right, I'll switch over to babbling brook.
11:24You know, if you're feeling tense about that interview,
11:28I could show you one of my breathing exercises.
11:30No, no, just some sleep will do.
11:34Good night.
11:35Good night.
11:59Oh, for God's sake, Niles!
12:04What the hell happened?
12:06Isn't it obvious? You blew a fuse.
12:09You haven't seen anything yet.
12:11Oh!
12:17Listen, I know he's on his way.
12:19He must have gotten the address wrong.
12:21I knew I could trust him.
12:23I know he's on his way.
12:25I know he's on his way. He must have gotten the address wrong.
12:28I knew I should have picked a place he'd been to before.
12:32I'm sorry. I'm afraid I have to leave.
12:34No, please don't leave. Let me just try his cell phone.
12:37Very well.
12:40Hello, Frazier? It's Roz.
12:44You sound terrible. Where are you?
12:47The emergency room?
12:49Oh, my God! His appendix burst.
12:52No, no, no, no, don't apologize.
12:54It's not your fault. We'll just reschedule it.
12:57I am so sorry I'm late.
13:00My usual, please.
13:04My phone, please.
13:06Mr. Draper, you're not leaving, are you?
13:09I have another meeting, and I don't like to keep people waiting.
13:14I'm gonna kill you.
13:15Roz, please, I'm so sorry.
13:17Where the hell have you been?
13:18Oh, blame Niles. He kept me up so late last night, I slept right through my alarm.
13:22What's he still doing there? Hasn't he found a place yet?
13:25Oh, no. He stopped by his apartment at the Montana.
13:28He has to find something furnished. There just aren't that many out there.
13:31Still, he's looking every day.
13:33Not yesterday.
13:35What do you mean?
13:36Saw him out in front of the Varsity, waiting in line for Lawrence of Arabia.
13:41Well, that's impossible. He told me he had appointments all day.
13:44Frazier, I know Niles when I see him.
13:46How many people go to the movies with their own seat cushion?
13:50You mean he hasn't even been looking?
13:52I don't know. Ask him yourself.
13:56Niles.
13:59Oh, Frazier.
14:00Yes.
14:01Off for another day of apartment hunting?
14:04Yes.
14:06Yes.
14:07Only hope I see as many as I saw yesterday.
14:10Covered the whole waterfront.
14:11Oh, well, then you must have seen the one on Crawford and Pike.
14:16Yes, I think so.
14:18White with blue trim.
14:20Right next to the market. Couple of flags out front.
14:23Yes, yes, yes. It looks nice from the outside. It's completely unsuitable for living.
14:27Oh, yes. I'd imagine so, seeing as it's a Chevron station.
14:33What?
14:34You saw nothing.
14:37Nothing yesterday. Probably nothing in the last two weeks.
14:40You've been going to the movies.
14:42That is an outrageous lie.
14:44Outrageous lie.
14:46Ross saw you and your seat cushion.
14:51Here I was feeling sorry for you. You were lying to me the whole time.
14:57I'm sorry.
14:59After the first day, I just couldn't look anymore.
15:03I'll never find anything tolerable in my price range.
15:06Barely tolerable having a price range.
15:09All right, Oswald, listen. Today I am going with you.
15:13It may be the only way you ever find a place.
15:15Oh, make it sound as if I plan to stay with you forever.
15:18Well, I did notice you put a bottle of 93p Chamberon on the grocery list last night.
15:24So?
15:25That wine's not even drinkable for two years.
15:32And we've got a rec room, too.
15:34And did you see the hot dog?
15:36You're referring to that six-man Petri dish? Yes.
15:40I think we are about finished here.
15:42Niles, we can't leave without seeing the apartment.
15:44Frank was kind enough to put on pants and bring us up here.
15:49Welcome to the Shangri-La.
16:00Oh, Niles, it's magnificent.
16:12I think you'll see why the Shangri-La is so popular with bachelors like yourself.
16:16Mm-hmm. I'd assumed it was that charming no-credit-no-problem banner out front.
16:24Here's your kitchen. All modern.
16:27Ah, looks like the previous tenant left a four-slot toaster behind.
16:31Isn't that something, Niles?
16:32You can make yourself a club sandwich and still have a slice left over for guests.
16:38I think I've got the lay of the land.
16:40Oh, no, wait. We haven't seen the bedroom yet.
16:42Oh, right this way.
16:55Looks like you left the sheets behind, too.
16:57Well, how's that for convenience?
16:59No dust bunnies under that bed, no siree.
17:03That is a vacuumer's dream, that is.
17:06Well, let's have a look at this closet space, shall we?
17:09Oh, sorry. I thought Gary's sister was supposed to pick this stuff up.
17:13Well, help yourself.
17:18This, uh, this Gary certainly seems to have left in a hurry.
17:23Did he leave no forwarding address?
17:25Uh, he left a note, but, uh, no.
17:33No address.
17:36Well, uh, take your time.
17:43Now can we go?
17:45No, no, Niles, not before we've had a look at this very charming little ironing board here.
17:52There you are, see?
17:53You sure that's not the guest room?
17:55Oh.
18:00Niles, listen, I know this isn't what you had in mind, but we have scoured the city.
18:06I'm afraid this is the only thing we're going to find.
18:09Well, I want to keep looking. There's no rush.
18:15Well, actually...
18:16What?
18:18Well, Niles...
18:20Oh?
18:21You want me to move out.
18:23I've overstayed my welcome.
18:25I see.
18:26No, it's just that it's time for you to understand that your circumstances have changed,
18:31and you're going to have to adapt.
18:33I don't want to adapt. I want to go home.
18:37Niles, you are home.
18:49Well, where are my manners?
18:52Can I get you some toast?
19:13Yes!
19:18Well, I'm off.
19:20Oh, your brother called. He said he won't be joining you for the wine club tonight.
19:25Really? That's a first.
19:28You know, it's funny how much Eddie misses that bird of Dr Crane's.
19:32This morning, a pigeon landed on the terrace.
19:35Eddie jumped up, excited, ran over and started barking at it.
19:39Oh, yes, he does that all the time.
19:41No, no, this was a different sort of bark, like,
19:44You're not my bird. Don't fly over here and get my hopes up like that. You're not my bird.
19:52It was silly and sad at the same time, you know?
19:56First-hand.
20:01Did I say why he cancelled at all?
20:03No.
20:05You know, I just hope he's not depressed.
20:08I keep picturing him sitting in that dreadful apartment all alone.
20:13Maybe I should have let him stay here longer till he found something nicer.
20:17I'm sure once he gets his books on the shelf and his opera playing, he'll be fine.
20:22You have nothing to feel guilty about.
20:25Oh, Frash, your antique scrap brought over that Noel Coward pen you bought.
20:31Noel Coward pen? Like the one your brother's got?
20:34Oh, it is his. He returned it and I pounced on it.
20:39Dr Crane's feeling bad about moving his brother out.
20:42Oh, come on, Frash. He's a big boy. You just gave him the push he needed.
20:46Well, he did need a push.
20:48Besides, I'm sure the place you found him isn't as bad as all that.
20:52You're right, Daphne. It isn't all that bad.
20:55You know, once he's decorated, it'll be much nicer. You're right. You're right.
21:00I'm being much too hard on myself. I'm sure he'll be perfectly happy at the Shangri-La.
21:05You got him in the Shangri-La? That's where Duke stayed during his divorce.
21:09Oh, let me tell you, that's my kind of place.
21:15But if I die...
21:29Hey, Niles.
21:30Dad, Frasher.
21:31Niles.
21:32Did you not get my message about the wine club?
21:34Yeah, but we thought it'd be fun to just go out and have a nice meal.
21:37Oh, well, actually, I'm on my way out.
21:39Where to? Belly high?
21:44No, no, no. They're having a ping-pong tournament in the Rumpus Room,
21:47and my neighbor Jimbo has invited me to be his partner,
21:51so let me just go and tell him that I'll be a couple minutes late.
21:54If you're thirsty, they set up some wine coolers in my welcome basket.
21:58Hey, and you were worried. He's making friends, taking part in activities.
22:03Dad, he's obviously covering. That shirt alone is a shriek for help.
22:09Is it so hard for you to believe that he could actually be happy?
22:12In this place, yes.
22:15Oh, oh. You should stay.
22:17The guys in D-Building are bringing over a six-foot sub,
22:20and they've rigged the pinball machine, so it's free play all night.
22:26Niles, you know, I'm finding it a bit difficult to accept this newfound enthusiasm of yours.
22:31Well, weren't you the one who told me I should adjust to my new circumstances?
22:34Yes, I'm just concerned that you're immersing yourself in this lifestyle
22:38to avoid feeling the pain you're going through.
22:40Oh, will you leave the guy alone?
22:41No, thank you.
22:42No, he's obviously having a good time.
22:44A good time, a very good time.
22:46Why should we have a good time?
22:49I'd be happy here myself. This is my kind of place.
22:53Get me out of this hellhole!
22:56What did I say?
22:59I can't live this charade. I have tried. It's taking too much out of me.
23:03Now, Niles, this place is fine, and you know what they say.
23:06What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
23:09But, Dad, not everyone makes it into that second group.
23:13I've got the luau shirt to prove it.
23:15Okay, that's it. That's it. Enough?
23:17It's enough.
23:20Niles, who are you calling?
23:22I'm calling Maris. I'm going to beg her to take me back.
23:25You don't want to do that.
23:26Oh, yes, I do.
23:27Niles, life with Maris wasn't so bad. It was my fault, after all.
23:30I was too rigid. I was always making demand.
23:33No, Niles. Eat something. Unlock this door.
23:36Don't throw that.
23:38Niles, give me that phone.
23:39No.
23:40You don't know what you're doing.
23:41Yes, I do.
23:42Just drop it and take it over here.
23:43I won't. I'm dialing. I'm pressing send.
23:47It's ringing.
23:49Maris.
23:51I'm calling.
23:53I'm calling.
23:58I'm calling to tell you that there is a new address for forwarding my mail.
24:04It's 62 Elm Street.
24:07Shangri-La Apartments.
24:15Well, good for you, Niles.
24:17Oh, second I heard her voice, I knew I couldn't go back.
24:23But how am I ever going to live here?
24:26Well, it's just temporary, Niles.
24:28She can't drag this divorce out forever.
24:32You know, Niles, perhaps this place is the price you'll have to pay for your freedom.
24:41Well, it's worth that.
24:44Well, that's the way to look at it, so let's have a toast to that.
24:48All right. Thank you, Dad.
24:51You know, I never did sign my lease.
24:54I suppose now is as good a time as any.
25:00Niles, perhaps this will make it easier.
25:05A little housewarming gift.
25:15Here we go.
25:21Thanks, Dad.
25:26Here's looking at you kids.
25:35You know, Niles, you may have to sleep here, but you certainly don't have to eat here.
25:40How does Cigar Boulan sound?
25:42Music to my ears. I can't go in that place without a jacket.
25:46Well, you know what? Maybe we should poke through that closet.
25:48I'll bet Gary's got a jacket that'll match those pants.
25:52Oh, here we are.
25:53Boy, get down.
26:01Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.
26:03Toss salads and scrambled eggs.
26:07Quite stylish.
26:09And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:12Well, maybe.
26:13But I got you pegged.
26:15Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:18But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:25They're calling again.
26:28Goodnight!