Frasier Season 9 Episode 16 Wheels Of Fortune
Frasier Season 9 Episode 16 Wheels Of Fortune
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00:00Today has been honesty, the courage to face each other with the plain truth.
00:08I've certainly enjoyed myself these last few hours.
00:10I hope you have too.
00:12This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health.
00:20Well, that was a dog of a show.
00:24They all blend.
00:27Oh, you got a message. A Blaine Sternan call.
00:33Blaine Sternan.
00:36Call him back, tell him I'm dead.
00:40Sternan. Is he related to Lilith?
00:43Yes. He's Lilith's half-brother.
00:46The curse of the family.
00:48What does it say? Well, Lilith is the good one.
00:52Sounded charming on the phone.
00:54Well, of course he sounded charming.
00:56Charm is the viscous grease with which he oils his flim-flam machine.
01:03A man will say anything to get what he wants.
01:06Can't believe I haven't dated this guy.
01:09The only reason he'd be contacting me is to separate me from my money.
01:13The man is always coming up with some sucker-sob story
01:16while he's busy living the high life in Laughlin, Nevada.
01:20You know, he once stole from me a very precious antique.
01:23My 18th century English salt sliver.
01:27Well, if you don't mind Elvis, you can have mine.
01:33Oh, dear God. What?
01:37This number he left. It's local.
01:45The beast walks among us.
01:50Don't answer the front door or the phone.
01:54Lock all the windows.
01:57Blaine Sternan is in Seattle.
01:59Who?
02:00Lilith's half-brother.
02:02Is he the scoundrel that walked off with your 18th century salt cellar?
02:06The very same.
02:09Blaine Sternan?
02:10Yes, sir.
02:11He's the son of a bitch.
02:13He's the son of a bitch.
02:15He's the son of a bitch.
02:17He's the son of a bitch.
02:19Blaine Sternan. A package came for you this afternoon.
02:22I believe that was the name on the return address.
02:26What could he possibly be sending me?
02:30Daphne, you've got longer nails than I have.
02:33Open it yourself.
02:36Right.
02:43What do you know?
02:49It's my salt server.
02:59I've heard you speak about it, but I had no idea it was so magnificent.
03:08Just look at this beautiful building and the exquisite but playful scrollwork.
03:17And it has a tiny spoon.
03:23Aren't you going to read the note?
03:27Thank you, Arthur.
03:31Frasier, I apologize for any trouble I've caused and hope you'll forgive me.
03:41You must think I've got turnips growing out of my ears.
03:47He's after something.
03:49Yeah, hide the pepper.
03:59Hello, Crane Residence.
04:05That was the doorman. Mr. Sternan's on his way up.
04:09So much for living in a security building.
04:13Come on now, Dr. Crane. Maybe he wants to make amends.
04:17Daphne, let me acquaint you with the curriculum vitae of Mr. Blaine Sternan,
04:21or Brad Cunningham, as he's known in Maine,
04:24Royce Thibodeau in Louisiana,
04:28and Santana de la Cruz, the bride of Albuquerque, New Mexico.
04:36This is a man who once made a living selling rare autographs
04:39until it was discovered that Madame Curie and Sugar Ray Robinson had the same handwriting.
04:43And would you care to see the deed to my 50,000 acre kelp farm?
04:51It's hard to believe a man of your intellect could be so fool.
04:56It was my intellect that he preyed upon, Daphne.
05:00It was my kind and generous heart.
05:04Well, not this time. This time I will make it a stone.
05:09He may come swaggering in here,
05:12but I assure you he will go slinking out with his tail between his legs.
05:16All right, Blaine.
05:19Fraser, my brother. It's been too long.
05:24Hello, Blaine. A wheelchair. Nice touch.
05:31Well, the truth is I've been in a terrible accident.
05:34Well, the truth is I've been in a terrible accident.
05:37I've lost all feeling from my waist down.
05:39The doctors tell me I'll be like this for the rest of my life.
05:42Oh, hi, everybody. Blaine Sterner.
05:45Come on in. Marty Crane.
05:47Hey, hi, Marty. How are you?
05:49Yes, uh, Niles Crane.
05:51Niles, how are you?
05:52Bravo, Blaine. This is the best one yet.
05:56But you forget with whom you're dealing. I've seen it all.
06:01Dr. Crane, the man is in a wheelchair.
06:04Which means that somewhere, someone is missing a wheelchair.
06:12Fraser, if you don't believe him, why don't you call Lilith?
06:17Good idea.
06:20So, Martin, I see you also park in the blue zone.
06:24Yeah, well, I can, but those spaces are always filled.
06:28Yeah, well, that's probably partly my fault.
06:30Boy, I sold a lot of fake handicap plates in my time.
06:35We're talking about a buttload of poetic justice, huh?
06:39Yes, I believe that is the basic unit of poetic justice.
06:46So, what did Lilith say?
06:49Has Blaine really lost the use of his legs?
06:52She says she doesn't know, but hopes so.
06:55Well, all right, I guess there's only one way I can prove this to you.
06:58Daphne, may I borrow that lovely pin you're wearing?
07:00Oh, um, let's see. Here you go.
07:04All right, here you go, Fraser, my man.
07:06Stick it anywhere you'd like.
07:11You'd have to get up for that.
07:16All right, I guess I'll just do it myself.
07:18Oh, there you go.
07:21There you go.
07:23That's disturbing.
07:27Cool.
07:29Come on, that is nothing but a cheap parlor trick.
07:32You know, I thought you'd take it a little more convincing than that.
07:34Daphne, would you have a butcher knife in the kitchen?
07:36Oh, I'll get it.
07:37No, no, no, that's enough.
07:40All right, Blaine, let's cut to the chase.
07:42What's it going to cost me to get you out of here?
07:44You ought to know something, Fraser, you're almost right.
07:46Almost right, it's true.
07:49I do want something from you, but what I want
07:52is for you to get down on your knees and pray with me.
07:57I know these words sound strange,
07:59but I've had a deeply religious conversion.
08:03Really?
08:04This just gets better and better.
08:07I guess it started with my car accident.
08:09I was driving drunk, which I had done one too many times.
08:13Oh, you know, it was a sign.
08:15From God?
08:17No, from the highway department.
08:18It said, Blaine Enns, and I just plowed right into it.
08:22Next thing I saw was a bright light and a tunnel.
08:27So you had a near-death experience.
08:30No, it was a CAT scan.
08:35You know, when Dr. Kagan told me I was paralyzed, well,
08:38I was devastated.
08:40There was the lowest point a man can be.
08:44And he came to me.
08:46Dr. Kagan?
08:48No, wrong again, hon.
08:50It was God.
08:51Damn it!
08:55Hang in there, sweetheart, you'll get one.
08:59He showed me how I'd squandered my life,
09:01you know, cheating innocent people.
09:03I was just filled with shame.
09:06And that's why I'm here, as a matter of fact.
09:08I've started a ministry to save souls
09:10the way the Lord saved mine.
09:12What genius!
09:13The Lord!
09:15He's a charitable partner who doesn't take a cut.
09:20Dr. Crane, you should be ashamed of yourself.
09:23The fact that Mr. Sternen has turned his accident
09:26into something positive, well,
09:28it's one of the most inspirational stories I've ever heard.
09:30Oh, Daphne, please.
09:32You have no idea what this man is capable of.
09:34Sir, can I get you something to eat or drink?
09:36You know, I could use a beer.
09:38I haven't given up everything.
09:40That is inspiring.
09:41Thank you, too, Daph.
09:44But I insist that I help.
09:46It's like a thing with me all of a sudden.
09:48I just won't allow anyone to wait on me anymore.
09:51Oh, yeah, let me.
09:53Well, you've just witnessed the first step
09:57in the Blaine Sternen Long Con.
10:03It sets you up, sucks you in,
10:07and then, bam!
10:09Kelp futures.
10:11Perhaps you're rushing to judgment, Frazier.
10:13I know you two have a history,
10:15but isn't it possible that he's changed?
10:18Oh, don't be a sucker, Niles.
10:21Dad, you're not buying any of this medicine show, are you?
10:24Well, that guy is laying it on pretty thick,
10:27but I guess he could be on the level.
10:29I mean, that pin thing was freaky.
10:33I want to get that on video.
10:37Daphne, you left him alone in the kitchen?
10:40My Sub-Zero's probably on the way to a chop shop right now.
10:45All right, Blaine, I've had enough.
10:47Get out.
10:48Frazier, look, I don't know how to prove this to you,
10:50but I swear, all I really came for was your forgiveness.
10:54First of all, for stealing that little teapot.
10:56Salt server.
10:58Is that what that was?
11:00Yeah.
11:02Salt server.
11:04Is that what that was?
11:06Man, nobody knew.
11:08And for all the times I lied and I cheated you,
11:11and for the time I posed as you and treated patients for a year.
11:15What?
11:16It was only a couple of people.
11:17I'd tell you who they were,
11:18but you only got that doctor-patient confidentiality thing.
11:22Point is, that part of my life is over, Frazier.
11:25I just, I don't know, I just want to give something back.
11:28Really?
11:29If you wanted to give something back,
11:31like mopping a soup kitchen,
11:33or reading to bedridden vets,
11:35or traveling to the Galapagos Islands
11:38to clean oil off some poor seed fowl,
11:41then maybe you'd have some credibility.
11:43I know I've given you so many reasons to mistrust me,
11:46but don't you believe that people can change?
11:51If I forgive you,
11:54will you leave and never return?
11:56Yes.
11:57I promise you, you'll never see my face in this house again,
12:00if you're not invited.
12:03Very well.
12:05I grant you this boon,
12:07and I forgive you, now get out.
12:10Look, Mr. Sternen, I hope you'll stay for dinner.
12:17Sounds like an invitation to me, Fresh.
12:21And so, here's this kid, no more than 15 years old.
12:25He lives in a cardboard box, under the overpass,
12:29and his mother comes to me and begs me,
12:32will you get my kid off drugs?
12:34Yes, yes, and then you cured him. Let's eat.
12:37No, no, no, no, no.
12:39You don't cure something like addiction overnight.
12:41Well, look, I'm telling.
12:43I mean, you're a psychiatrist, you know.
12:45Well, that's true.
12:47You're a psychiatrist, you know.
12:49Well, that's true, I have found in my research
12:51with addictive personalities that...
12:54Oh, for God's sake, what the hell am I doing?
12:57There probably is no kid, anyway.
12:59Come on, Frasier, let up on the guy.
13:01He's a man of God.
13:04Blaine, can I take a picture of you with a fork in your leg?
13:11All right, everybody, dig in.
13:14That looks beautiful, Daphne.
13:17Thank you, darling.
13:18Well, who wants to say grace?
13:23Oh, we almost forgot.
13:25Whose turn is it this time?
13:30Okay, I will.
13:31Want to join hands?
13:33Yes.
13:34Ready?
13:43Ready.
13:46Dear Lord, bless this food and this company.
13:49Give us your guidance and teach us to be forgiving
13:52as you instructed your apostles.
13:54I'll give you 50 bucks if you can name three of them.
14:00Frasier, here you go.
14:02Two 20s and a 10.
14:03Tell you what, I'll spot you, John.
14:07Dr. Crane, we're in the middle of a prayer.
14:10Please, go on.
14:15Thank you, Lord.
14:17Amen.
14:18Amen.
14:19Amen.
14:21You know, normally, I get paid after I say grace.
14:27No, I'm kidding.
14:29Are you kidding? That was funny.
14:33Yeah, you know, you're a godless bunch.
14:38You know, even worse than the godless are those
14:41who would use God for their own gain.
14:43They are the true hypocrites
14:46who should burn in the fiery hell for all eternity.
14:52Am I picking up a vibe here?
14:56Oh, I'm sorry.
14:57Did you think that was directed at you?
15:00You know, I could quote you chapter and verse all night
15:04to try to prove to you that I'm a changed man.
15:07But you know what?
15:08Instead, why don't you come see me in action on Sunday?
15:13What do you mean?
15:14Come and hear me preach.
15:16Witness what God can do through me
15:19in all his splendor and all his glory
15:21in the regency room down at the airport Ramada.
15:26I'd love to go.
15:27I wouldn't mind checking that out.
15:28Sure, why not?
15:29Bless you, people. That's just great.
15:31Thank you very much.
15:32Only problem is, the advertising was just a skosh more than I thought
15:36and I came up about a thousand dollars short on the hall rental.
15:39Aha!
15:41The other shoe comes cascading from the sky.
15:46One thousand dollars, you say?
15:48Well, you're not getting out of me, you born-again bilko,
15:50didn't I tell you?
15:52Fresh.
15:53You know, what I was going to say, if you'd let me finish,
15:57was somehow the Lord will provide.
16:00And by the way, Matthew, John, Thomas, Bartholomew, Jude, Judas,
16:05two Jameses, Andrew, Peter, Simon, the Zealot, and Philip.
16:099.50 to go.
16:11Pass the potatoes, please.
16:22He says the Lord will provide the money.
16:26But we all know who that means. Me!
16:30You know, I always had a thing for evangelists.
16:34When I first started out, I worked at this station back in Wisconsin
16:39and there was this young preacher who had a show of his own on Sunday mornings.
16:45He spent hours trying to save my soul.
16:51And?
16:52And it worked, and now I'm a nun. What do you think happened?
17:00Hello.
17:01Oh, Daphne.
17:02Well, Dr. Crane, you needn't worry about Blaine asking you for money anymore.
17:08He's received the thousand dollars he needs for Sunday.
17:11What nitwit gave him a thousand dollars?
17:14Now, Frasier, that's not fair.
17:16Perhaps whoever did it simply has a kind heart and a trusting nature
17:20which I, for one, find refreshing.
17:25Oh, Daphne.
17:28I come from a large family of scoundrels and ne'er-do-wells
17:32who repeatedly promised me they'd change their ways and never made any effort.
17:37Now, here's someone who's actually trying and succeeding.
17:41Now, I think that's worthy of a little encouragement.
17:45Coffee, nurse?
17:46Yes, please.
17:48I can't believe Daphne got snowed by that crook.
17:53You know, I've got to expose Blaine for the charlatan that he is.
17:57What was the name of that doctor he said treated him in Laughlin?
18:01Uh, it was Kagan, if memory serves. Dr. Kagan.
18:05Shouldn't be too hard to find.
18:10Laughlin, Nevada.
18:18Dr. Kagan.
18:23I'm being connected.
18:24Frasier, you're sure you're not being a tad obsessive?
18:29Niles, this is about the truth.
18:32Yes, hello? Uh, yes, Dr. Kagan, please.
18:37Busy.
18:39Too busy to talk with Dr. Frasier Crane from the Nobel Prize Committee?
18:48Now, you may ask yourself, why would this man spend the last hour preaching the word of God?
18:55Look what God did to him.
18:57Well, I'll tell you what God did to me.
19:01He took away my legs to show me how tall I could stand.
19:07Because until this happened, I was not a whole man.
19:11I was a gambler. I was a liar.
19:14I was a thief.
19:16Everything you could imagine, that was me.
19:20I did it. Oh, I was a bad man.
19:23Quoted.
19:24Name something.
19:25A thief?
19:26Oh, thief. Not a day passed that I wasn't.
19:30Anybody else? Come on.
19:31A womanizer.
19:32Yeah, between affairs.
19:35Tax evader.
19:36Yeah, but that was on principle.
19:40Come on, little sheep.
19:41I learned.
19:42Come on into this nice little pen.
19:45Shh.
19:46But you are coming.
19:47I just can't stand to see people get fleeced.
19:49I have left half a dozen messages for this so-called doctor of his.
19:53I'll tell you what, the guy comes back with a different excuse every time why he can't come to the phone.
19:58Now, doctor, there is no such man as this Dr. Kagan.
20:02He doesn't exist.
20:03And yet, for the first time in my life, I'm a happy man.
20:08Well, I can't dance the way I used to, but, you know, my heart's turning carp.
20:13I can't run, but there's no need to hide anymore.
20:18I can't make love, but I can feel love.
20:22Now, do you want that kind of happiness?
20:25Because if you do, let me hear you say, yeah, I want it.
20:31Come on, like you really mean it. Yeah.
20:35You're willing to do whatever it takes.
20:37Are you willing to make these earthly sacrifices to make heavenly gains?
20:55Have you people lost your senses?
20:59Do you hear yourselves?
21:02This is no man of God.
21:05He's a hockster.
21:06Frazier, sit down. This is why I hate going anywhere with you.
21:11This charade has got to stop right now.
21:14I will not allow these good people to be bamboozled.
21:20No, people, people, it's all right. He belongs up here.
21:23He's one of God's creatures.
21:24I am no such thing.
21:28I will prove once and for all that this man is a fraud.
21:32See for yourselves.
21:36No, no, no, don't help him.
21:38That's enough of this playing.
21:41Get up. Get up.
21:44Wait, people. He knows not what he does.
21:52What?
21:54What?
21:58Yes, Dr. Kiggin.
22:02Yes, I did.
22:04Uh-huh.
22:08Uh-huh.
22:13For life. I say thank you.
22:17Well, it seems an apology is in order.
22:21Please help me get this man back into his chair.
22:26And I will match all contributions given to this man's ministry here today.
22:32Dollar for dollar.
22:35You want fulfillment?
22:38You want inner peace?
22:41This is your man right here.
22:43Blaine Sternen.
22:45Come on, people. Dig deep.
22:47Brother Niles, you've been richly blessed.
23:01Thanks again for paying in cash there, Frasier.
23:04I'd rather see that money go to poor people than, you know, Uncle Sam.
23:08It's my pleasure to do it.
23:10Blaine, there's something I'd like you to have.
23:15What?
23:18Wow. Thanks.
23:21You know, this is really going to help some needy people now that I know what the heck it is.
23:29Martin.
23:30Been a pleasure, my man.
23:31Same here, Blaine. Good luck to you.
23:33Well, thanks a lot.
23:37Blaine, you are welcome in my home any time.
23:45Thank you, Frasier.
23:47It means a lot to me. God bless you.
23:50Well, I'm off to spread the good word.
23:52You are indeed a holy roller.
23:58Yeah. Yeah, that's good.
24:09Well, there was a lesson learned.
24:13Yeah. Don't throw a guy out of a wheelchair.
24:17Who knew?
24:21No, I guess I just needed a reminder that people really are capable of change.
24:29Well, I got to be honest with you, I wasn't totally convinced myself until I saw him on stage.
24:35Before you came in, he was talking about all these things he did right after his conversion.
24:41Man, that guy was committed.
24:44He mopped up soup kitchens.
24:47He read to bedridden veterans.
24:52He even went to the Galapagos Islands to help clean the oil off some fowls.
25:03He said that, did he?
25:11Blaine!
25:18Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling. Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:24Quite stylish.
25:27And maybe I seem a bit confused. Well, maybe.
25:31But I got you pegged.
25:35But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:42They're calling again.
25:45Good night, Seattle! We love you!