Frasier Season 9 Episode 20 The Love You Fake
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00:00Gosh, what did I just find in my pocket?
00:05Is that tri-tip with peanut butter?
00:09It is!
00:13No luck. He's definitely coming down with something.
00:17Well, I guess I'm going to have to eat these myself.
00:21Good idea. Reverse psychology.
00:24What do you mean?
00:26Well, Joe has found the source of the leak in my ceiling.
00:33It is Cam Winston's brand new washing machine.
00:36By God, for this time he's gone too far.
00:40As if his noise and noxious presence at the condo meetings weren't bad enough.
00:45Have you ever heard of anything more fury-inspiring?
00:49I certainly have not.
00:52Imagine the cheek of the man installing an illegal washer-dryer.
00:57Oh, they're not illegal. A lot of the units have them.
01:00You guys have a hook-up in the hall closet where you keep all those hats?
01:08First of all, I've completely forgotten about the hook-up.
01:11Second of all, I believe the Homburg is poised for a comeback.
01:15And third, we have a more immediate problem.
01:19In the form of the evil waters of Cam Winston.
01:22Yeah, about that. Maybe you could ask Mr. Winston to not use the machine until we get that leak packed.
01:28Right. We've got to teach Cam a lesson and shut his water off right now.
01:32That's not our standard operating procedure.
01:36Well, I could compensate you for your pains.
01:43I've got to go all the way down to the basement.
01:49Perhaps this will help persuade you.
01:55This might get me as far as six.
02:06Hello, all.
02:09It's called a Segway.
02:11My friend Raoul at the university is doing an experiment on the psychological effects of technology and asked me to ride it around.
02:18How do you like it?
02:20Walking is but a distant memory.
02:24Better yet, I can redirect the unused energy to other pursuits, such as playing squash.
02:31Better yet, I can redirect the unused energy to other pursuits, such as playing squash.
02:37Or lovemaking.
02:39Oh, Niles.
02:41I'm sorry, I'd love to stay and gawk, but I'm at war. Come, Joe.
02:50What was that about?
02:51Oh, Cam Winston.
02:53Hey, can I have a ride on that thing?
02:55Nothing would please me more.
02:57But no.
03:02It's one of the conditions of the experiment is that I can't share the Segway with anyone, not even you, Daphne. I'm sorry.
03:09I can't believe you agreed to that.
03:11Well, it was damn difficult, let me tell you.
03:15But I'll make a note of your disappointment in my daily ride-up.
03:20Well, I know we can't ride it, but there's a poor, sick little dog here.
03:24Dad, again, saying no is one of the prices we are all paying for science.
03:30Yeah.
03:31Who wants a fudgsicle?
03:38Good afternoon.
03:40Hello, Mr. Winston.
03:41Hey, Cam, come on in.
03:43Miss Frazier at home?
03:45Someone has shut off my water, and I suspect his hand is at the spigot.
03:50Oh.
03:51Jeez, that doesn't sound like Fraze.
03:55Then you don't know what he's capable of.
03:58What's the matter with your dog? He looks a little blassy-eyed.
04:01Yeah, he's got a bug. I've got to take him to the vet.
04:04Oh, well, my mother's a vet, and she happens to be staying with me.
04:08I'm sure she wouldn't mind taking a look, even if it is Frazier's dog.
04:12Oh, no, he's mine. Frazier can't stand him.
04:14Yeah, when he's healthy, he jumps on Dr. Crane's bed, drools on his pillow, chews on his slippers.
04:21Really?
04:24We've got to get this little rascal back up on his feet.
04:28Yeah.
04:33I've done some calculating, and in the last nine years, I've carried 2.8 tons of laundry
04:41approximately 106.4 miles back and forth to the basement.
04:46That's the same as carrying an SUV on my back to Canada.
04:51Maybe we should ask him to buy a washer-dryer.
04:54I had an idea. I was going to suggest moving the apartment closer to the laundry room.
05:02Oh, hello, Dr. Winston.
05:04Hello, Daphne.
05:05Martin.
05:06I just came by to check on my patient.
05:09Oh, he's much better. I'm off to do the laundry.
05:12You don't have your own here?
05:15No.
05:17We have a hat museum.
05:21How's our boy?
05:22Oh, he's doing great. Those antibiotics work wonders.
05:26How about a cup of coffee?
05:28Thanks, Cream No Sugar.
05:30Okay.
05:31He looks good.
05:33Well, Eddie's tough. Plus, the smartest dog ever.
05:39I always thought border collies were the smartest dogs.
05:46Well, it's obvious you haven't had much exposure to dogs.
05:50Uh, were you a zoo doctor?
05:53No, I just treat pets and their owner's egos.
05:57Oh, you're telling me.
05:59Cat people.
06:03Well, it's really handy having a vet right here in the building.
06:07It's only temporary.
06:09They're doing some remodeling on my house.
06:12It was only supposed to take a few weeks.
06:15Then Cam found out.
06:17Suddenly, I'm getting new bay windows and a kitchen based on something he saw in English Home Magazine.
06:24You have no idea.
06:26Oh, unfortunately, I do.
06:30Hello, Dr. Winston.
06:33Hello, Frazier.
06:35Martin, I've got to be going.
06:37Oh, okay. Well, thanks for stopping by to see Eddie.
06:39Oh, it was no problem.
06:41Oh, Frazier, I almost forgot. This is for you from Cam.
06:46Oh, well, thank you, Dr. Winston.
06:50Hi, seeing you again.
06:52Bye.
06:57What was that about?
07:01Oh, she just came to see Eddie.
07:03Kind of a medical slash social visit.
07:06Social?
07:08Dear God, don't tell me that you and that scoundrel's mother...
07:11Hi, Frazier, take it easy. We've just had a cup of coffee.
07:19Oh, yes, all the pieces suddenly fit.
07:24What is it?
07:26It's a bill from Cam.
07:28Apparently, turning off his water has ruined the clothes that were in his washing machine.
07:32Those clothes were already ruined just by being on Cam Winston.
07:36Well, I don't pay him. Have another fight.
07:39Our battle is joint.
07:41I will not let that matter, Harry, drag you into this.
07:45From this day forward, no more Winstons in this my house.
07:56Hey, Marty.
07:58Oh, hi, Cora.
08:00Oh, be careful.
08:03If Frazier catches your pet and Eddie, it'll be the pound for him.
08:07Cam actually forbade me from coming to your apartment.
08:11And they're so unlike you, you'd think they'd get along.
08:17Hi, Cam.
08:19Good afternoon, Mr. Crane.
08:25Come along, Mother.
08:27I've already checked the mail.
08:29I'll be up in a minute. Don't worry.
08:33Very well.
08:37Carry on.
08:45I can't believe that's my son.
08:48What has gotten into him?
08:50Why would they want to drag us into their feud?
08:54I think it's because if we're friends, then they have to at least try to be nice.
09:00Hey, you know what? We should get married.
09:03Really make him suffer.
09:05Oh, my.
09:07It'd be worse than just to see the looks on their faces.
09:17Done?
09:18No.
09:20Dr. Winston, I see you checked the mail already.
09:23Oh, yeah. Here you go.
09:53Good morning.
09:54Morning. Is he still asleep?
09:55I just heard his alarm, so we have to hurry.
09:58I can't believe we're doing this. It's so mean.
10:02I know. Isn't it great?
10:17Good morning, sweetheart.
10:19Oh, hello, Cam.
10:27Hi.
10:30Oh, looking for the sports page?
10:33Oh, I don't have a quarter. I'll just get my pants.
10:36Oh, thanks, buddy.
10:42Can I fix you some breakfast, baby?
10:44Uh, just toast and coffee.
10:46I was talking to Cam.
10:50Whoops.
10:52You know, actually, I'm not that hungry.
10:56I'll get something on the way to work.
11:07Psst.
11:09That was perfect.
11:11Yeah. You don't think we went too far, do you?
11:14Not yet.
11:27Daphne!
11:32Daphne!
11:36Daphne!
11:48Dr. Winster. Morning.
11:50Morning.
11:52Yes. Good morning.
11:57How did this...
11:59How did you sleep?
12:03Like a couple of logs.
12:05More like two baby kittens curled up in a tight, fuzzy ball.
12:14God, you're cute. Isn't she very cute?
12:17Oh, dear. I should probably go.
12:20Oh, yeah.
12:22Bye, sweetie.
12:24Bye, sweetheart.
12:27Bye, Frasier.
12:33Goodbye.
12:35Nice to see you.
12:39What the hell's going on?
12:43What does she look like?
12:45God, you're crazy.
12:47She's a Winston.
12:49She's probably just leading you on so she can break your heart.
12:52What kind of thing can we do to hurt me?
12:54Boy, you know, I finally find a woman I like and who seems to like me,
12:58and all you can think about is your stupid feud.
13:01Just a little surprise.
13:03I didn't realize things were going so fast.
13:06Well, then it's a good thing you found out,
13:08because things could get more serious.
13:10A lot more serious.
13:12What does that mean?
13:14Well, let's just say I wouldn't mind having a stepson.
13:19Dad, now you're just provoking me, aren't you?
13:23Dad?
13:25Dad?
13:27Are you...?
13:30Good morning, Dr. Crane.
13:33There you are.
13:41What is the meaning of this?
13:49Where is his mate?
13:52I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.
13:55My favorite pair of socks reduced to a single argyle.
13:59Nor is this the only example.
14:01The keen observer yesterday would have noticed
14:03that I left the apartment wearing two shades of black.
14:08Explanation, please!
14:14I'm sorry, Dr. Crane.
14:16I'm forced to do the laundry downstairs,
14:18and I guess your socks are just too tempting to the neighbors.
14:22Course, you're welcome to go down there yourself and stand guard.
14:29I see.
14:31And if we had our own washer-dryer,
14:35there would be no more lost socks.
14:40I will not be strong-armed by threats against my laundry!
14:48Suit yourself.
14:50I'm off to do a load of your pinks.
14:55I don't have any pinks.
14:57You will.
15:05Are you okay?
15:07I'm fine.
15:09You seem like you've been in a lousy mood lately.
15:13It's just that they put soy milk in my latte.
15:17I don't like soy milk.
15:20It doesn't come from a teet or an udder. It isn't milk.
15:24Oh, terrific.
15:26Here comes Niles and his fabulous showing-up Frasier contraption.
15:31All he wants is attention, so don't give him any.
15:37Greetings, foot people.
15:41How are things back in the 20th century?
15:45Wow, that looks like fun.
15:48Fun? I suppose it is. I never really thought about it.
15:51You see, the Segway is more of a productivity tool.
15:54Do you think I could...
15:55No, go away.
15:57Not the only tool.
16:02Oh, I haven't ordered yet.
16:04It's on the house. We love the machine.
16:06That is so nice.
16:09You know, I think I've seen just about enough.
16:12Free food and drink, just because you showed them something new.
16:15I tell you what, let's all paint our bottoms and run to the sandwich shop.
16:20My, my.
16:22Feelings of inadequacy. Typical reaction from the unwheeled.
16:26I'll make a note of your grumpiness.
16:29If I'm grumpy, it's because of Cam Winston.
16:31Do you realize that Dad and Cam's mother are dating?
16:34Yes, I do, and I think it's great.
16:36Honestly, Frasier, you have to loosen up.
16:39Openness to new ideas is the hallmark of our new century.
16:52Don't you hope he gets hit by a car?
16:56Excuse me, can I please get another cup of coffee?
16:59No soy milk this time?
17:01So, that's what's bugging you.
17:04Your dad has a new girlfriend.
17:07No, I'm just afraid he's going to get hurt.
17:10No, you're not. You're afraid you're going to have to be nice to Cam.
17:13I am nice. Cam's in Suffolk.
17:15Okay, fine, whatever. Here's what I'd do.
17:18Be the first one to make peace.
17:20Then you'll be the bigger man to your dad and to his girlfriend,
17:24and you'll drive Cam nuts.
17:27It's good, Ross.
17:29Seize the high ground.
17:31No, I'll offer Cam an apology and he'll be trumped.
17:37Hello?
17:39Cam!
17:43I was just about to call you.
17:47A truce, you say?
17:51I'm sorry.
17:53I can't hear you.
17:55I'm sorry.
17:57I can't hear you. You're breaking up.
18:00I'm afraid my back is low on power.
18:09Son of a bitch is trying to steal my high ground.
18:16Hello, Craig.
18:18Glad you could make it, I guess.
18:21Spare me your honey-glazed pleasantries, Cam.
18:24Roll up my sleeves and end our feud.
18:27As am I. That's why I called you.
18:30Just for the record, it was my idea to apologize first.
18:34Well, that seems appropriate,
18:36since you're the one who shut off the water and ruined my clothes.
18:40That, sir, is a fraction of the story.
18:44Since you moved into this building,
18:46you have encroached upon my parking space,
18:48you have undermined my position with the condo board,
18:51and you killed a magnificent Virginia creeper.
18:55Which you gleefully encouraged to climb the balcony
18:58and choke my dangling ivy.
19:00I thought it was marijuana.
19:04Dangling ivy looks nothing like marijuana.
19:07Well, I'm sure I wouldn't know.
19:13This is getting us nowhere, Crane.
19:17Agreed. Agreed.
19:21I guess we'll never really see eye to eye.
19:24But I am resolved to put aside our differences
19:28for the sake of our parents.
19:30For the sake of our parents.
19:34Where are they, anyway?
19:37Downstairs watching court TV.
19:42It's all about romance with you, Cranes, isn't it?
19:45You see, there you go again.
19:47I lower my guard, you slap me in the face.
19:50All right, I apologize.
19:53And as a token of my sincerity,
19:56I pledge to pay for whatever damage
19:59my washer-dryer may have caused.
20:05Well done.
20:07And in the same spirit of hatchet-burying,
20:12I agree to pay for your ruined clothes.
20:16Cheers.
20:21Yeah.
20:26Since things seem to be off on such a good foot,
20:30perhaps now is the time to discuss the mailbox situation.
20:34You're on a switch, don't you?
20:36As a tall man, I dislike having to stoop for my mail.
20:40Indeed?
20:41Well, I would prefer to set aside that explosive issue
20:44until we're sure the truth will hold.
20:46I see.
20:49Fair enough.
20:53Unless you're willing to agree
20:55on some sort of noise-abatement framework.
20:58You see, you have a unique sliding gate cam.
21:02When you wear your heeled boots,
21:04the resultant shh-clop, shh-clop, shh-clop.
21:08Well, it just sounds like a dancing pony in my apartment.
21:11Perhaps we should get some paper so we can write all this down.
21:19Fine.
21:21I will arrange an introduction to my sweater-weaver.
21:25Good. Thank you.
21:28But then I must insist on the formula to your bath-blend.
21:43I think we were closer on an earlier draft.
21:46I think we were closer on an earlier draft.
21:48Thank her.
21:56Hey, Niles.
21:57Mm-hmm?
21:58That Truffaut film you like's playing down at the La Salle.
22:01Oh, sounds tempting.
22:04Oh.
22:05But the people behind me wouldn't be able to see.
22:10I guess we'll stay in, then.
22:12I'm gonna go take a bath.
22:14It's too bad you have to stay on that.
22:16I could use a third and a fourth hand.
22:27Wait, wait, Daphne, Daphne, Daphne.
22:30There we go.
22:31Coming.
22:32You wait there.
22:33I'll light the candles.
22:36So long, sucker!
22:40Daphne, where are you going?
22:42Hold the door!
22:53Hi, boys.
22:54Have you two been fighting?
22:56On the contrary.
22:58Cam and I are here to announce the cessation of all hostilities between us.
23:04We are officially friends.
23:06As defined by the treaty.
23:09Well, that means a lot to us.
23:13Oh, I think it's safe to say that we've entered a whole new era of co-oper...
23:21Did you get that at Mueller's Antiques?
23:23Oh, yes.
23:24As a matter of fact, I did.
23:25It represents a great triumph for me.
23:27I snatched it from under the nose of another collector who had actually put a...
23:31You were saying it's a new era of co-operation.
23:36How wonderful.
23:38You should celebrate.
23:40The two of you should go to the symphony tonight.
23:43But I thought you and I were going.
23:46I'm going to stay here with Martin.
23:49Well, I suppose.
23:51Well, then you better hurry.
23:53Cam likes to pre-order his intermission cocktail.
23:58Oh.
23:59You mean you don't have a standing order?
24:01Well, we better hurry, then.
24:02You'll take my car.
24:04It's the new drive.
24:05We'll take mine.
24:07What, you're hungry?
24:08I think not.
24:10Not in front of the parents, Crane.
24:19I can't believe they're going to spend the whole evening together.
24:22I know.
24:24If they get through it alive,
24:27we should probably tell them the truth.
24:29Yeah.
24:31Too bad.
24:33It was fun being your boyfriend for a few days.
24:36It was.
24:38Still, all good things must come to an end.
24:54But who knows when?
25:24Scrambled eggs.
25:26Mercy.
25:28And maybe I seem a bit confused.
25:31Well, maybe.
25:32But I got you pegged.
25:37But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:44They're calling again.
25:47Thank you!