Frasier Season 2 Episode 13 Retirement Is Mur Der
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00:00Ah yes, another beautiful Saturday night. The moon is full, the city lights are twinkling, lovers steal kisses in the park.
00:16And here, Shea Crane.
00:23My father and his assistant sit hunched over 20 year old photographs of a murdered hooker.
00:33Life is a banquet.
00:36I enjoy looking at your father's old case. Just because you have no plans tonight, don't spoil our harmless fun.
00:45You know, there's nothing we Brits like better than a grisly murder and a nice hot cup of tea.
00:51Listen, Daphne, I've got a lot of work to do here, so if you don't mind...
00:55Oh, excuse me. I didn't know I was bothering you.
00:59Oh, well, I'm sorry. It's this damn case. I feel like the answer to who murdered Helen is right here. I just can't see it.
01:07Dad, you're obsessing. You stare at these grisly pictures day after day, night after night. Come on, why don't we go out and see a movie?
01:16No, thanks.
01:17Let's go get a pizza.
01:18Nah.
01:19Let's get tattooed.
01:22Oh.
01:25This is ridiculous. It's a beautiful night and I'm not going to miss it. I'm going to go out and take a nice long walk. I'm not going by myself.
01:38He likes the rhododendrons on the north side of the park.
01:49And I just want to thank you, Dr. Crane, because of your advice I've conquered my fear of heights.
01:57I take it slowly, gradually going higher and higher until here I am right now having lunch at the top of the Space Needle.
02:07Marjorie, congratulations. I'm so proud of you.
02:11I mean, what I think of how you...
02:16God, what's wrong? What happened?
02:18I just looked down.
02:20Marjorie, don't do that. Look at your luncheon companions. Look at your menu, but don't look down.
02:26You're only feeding your fears when you do that.
02:29Maybe I wasn't ready for a window table.
02:33No, no, no. Of course you are. Of course you are. You can beat this thing.
02:38You're right. I can, Dr. Crane. If I just...
02:44Do not look down!
02:46No, I didn't. My check just came.
02:51Oh, well, Marjorie, we're just about out of time now. Call me tomorrow, will you?
02:58Well, that's it for today, folks. Stay tuned for Bob Bulldog Briscoe.
03:03This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780 Talk Radio.
03:09Hey, Doc.
03:10Hi, Bulldog.
03:11I caught the first hour of your show today.
03:14Hi, Bulldog.
03:15I caught the first hour of your show today.
03:18If that chick whining about sexual harassment called my show, I'd say,
03:23Listen, doll, you don't want people snapping your bra, don't wear one.
03:30Brilliant in its simplicity.
03:35Hey, how's this sound, hard body?
03:38You, me, Sonics, Knicks, tonight.
03:42Sorry, Bulldog, but I'm already going. I have season tickets.
03:46Oh, we could still get together afterwards.
03:48Only if I smash into your car in the parking lot.
03:52Why is it the ones that want it the most put up the biggest struggle?
03:59Because when I do finally give in, I want us to enjoy it all the more.
04:07That is if I'm not too distracted by the fact that every man on earth has died.
04:18Almost had her there.
04:21Yes, it could have gone either way.
04:25Ah, well, with my pull, I can get those any time I want.
04:29Hello, Frasier.
04:30Oh, Bulldog, is that my brother Niles?
04:33Is that my brother Niles? Niles, this is Bulldog Briscoe.
04:36Oh, oh, oh, just the man I want to talk to.
04:39As a sports expert, I'm sure you can tell me
04:41why none of the local media carry the Ivy League squash standings.
04:49Whoa, another one just like you.
04:53Some gypsy put a curse on your family?
04:58Well, I gotta run. See you later, Miles.
05:01It's Niles.
05:04Like it matters.
05:10Well, you ready for our boys' night out at Le Cochon Noir?
05:18Yes.
05:20But, Niles, I've been wondering,
05:22would you mind if I ask Dad to join us?
05:26Remember the last time we took Dad to a four-star restaurant?
05:29He had a miserable time.
05:31Restaurant lost a whole star.
05:35You know, it's just I'm trying desperately to find some way to get him out of the house.
05:38He's off on one of his weeping lotus binges again.
05:42We've tried distracting him before.
05:44We've taken him everywhere from the Arboretum to the Zen Garden.
05:48Wait a minute.
05:49The Zen Garden is at the Arboretum.
05:52Good Lord, is it possible we've only taken him one place?
05:57Oh, Niles, Niles, this is it.
05:59This is it, the basketball game.
06:01Basketball?
06:02Yes, yes, I can get another ticket from promotional department.
06:05Oh, this is perfect.
06:07Just imagine how excited Dad will be to go to a game with his two sons.
06:11My God, it's the archetypal male bonding ritual.
06:15Couldn't we just go into the woods, kill something, and have done with it?
06:20All right, come on, Niles, look.
06:23It'll give you a chance to see the Tacoma Dome.
06:25Tacoma Dome?
06:26I've already seen it.
06:27They had a home show there once.
06:30That's where I got that idea to stencil a grape arbor on our Welsh dresser.
06:35I'm a teamster compared to you.
06:43Dinoch?
06:47Dinoch here?
06:49Dinoch?
06:50Dinoch?
06:51Niles, the game's that way.
06:53I know, I'm just calculating our escape route in case of fire or urban unrest.
06:59Maris taught me that.
07:01You love her, don't you?
07:03Yes, I do.
07:04Why?
07:05It just helps to know that.
07:08Here we are.
07:09One beer and two glasses of wine.
07:14It sure is good, Niles.
07:15They opened a fresh box when you poured it.
07:19What are you guys doing drinking wine at a ball game?
07:21You ought to be drinking beer.
07:22Dad, I only drink beer when I eat German food, which is to say, never.
07:30Did you notice where the facilities are when you were up?
07:32Yes, Niles.
07:33It's just as you feared.
07:34Communal urinals in the men's room.
07:36Oh, fine.
07:37What am I supposed to do about my shy kidneys?
07:41So, Dad, aren't these great seats, huh?
07:43Yeah.
07:46What's the matter with you?
07:47Uh, nothing.
07:48Let me borrow your pen a minute, will you?
07:50Before...
07:51No, I was thinking about that ballistics report, and I just want to make a note so I won't forget it.
07:56Dad, the whole idea of coming here tonight was to get your mind off of the case.
08:00Listen.
08:01I've done some reading.
08:03It seems that the key for the Sonics is to stop Starks from penetrating, dumping the ball off for easy baskets.
08:11Stop Starks?
08:12That sounds funny.
08:13Stop Starks.
08:14Stop Starks. Stop Starks. Stop Starks. Stop...
08:16Oh, shut up, Niles!
08:20It makes no sense.
08:21Well, Dad, it's not my theory.
08:23I'm just quoting some sports writing.
08:25No, I mean Helen.
08:26She was tall.
08:27She was five feet seven, yet the bullet entered on a downward trajectory.
08:31Dad, please try to participate.
08:33Oh, look!
08:34They're starting the wave!
08:35Oh, oh, it's coming this way!
08:36It's coming this way!
08:42Oh, father!
08:44Oh, look!
08:45There's a peanut gun!
08:46Peanut!
08:48How dare you!
08:53Stop it!
08:56That hooligan is pelting me with peanuts!
08:59And look at that tray!
09:00Oh, he's come prepared!
09:01Stop him!
09:02Stop it!
09:03That is for me!
09:05I've got to go make a call.
09:07Oh, Dad, this isn't about the case, is it?
09:09Yeah.
09:10Well, Dad, look, you've been working on it for twenty years.
09:13How come you're so obsessed now?
09:15Look, when Helen was murdered, I made a promise to her mother.
09:19I said that no matter how long it took, I'd find the killer.
09:22Well, I had a call from her last week.
09:25She's an old lady now, living in a home somewhere, and it...
09:29I don't know, she just doesn't seem to have a lot longer to go.
09:32And it just kind of lit a fire under me to get this thing solved.
09:36So, I appreciate you bringing me here, but I've got to make this call.
09:40I'll be back in a couple of minutes.
09:42Okay, Dad.
09:43I understand.
09:47Boy, the traffic tonight is murder.
09:50Hey, pal, what's the score?
09:52West side story.
10:01You know, this always bugged me.
10:03This picture of the crime scene.
10:06The way Helen's written help, why would she do that?
10:10Well, I suppose the word howdy would have been a bit too cheery under the circumstances.
10:17But it makes no sense.
10:19Anybody who could read help in the dirt could also see Helen lying there.
10:26Evening, Dad.
10:27Hey, Dad.
10:28Oh, listen, thanks again for the ballgame.
10:30It was great.
10:31Oh, God, it was a pleasure, Dad.
10:33I'm only sorry that you couldn't join us for dinner afterwards.
10:37But Coutron Noir gave us a late seating for a fabulous dinner.
10:41It was an exquisite meal marred only by the lack of even one outstanding cognac on their carte de digestif.
10:49Yes, but think of it this way, now.
10:52What's the one thing better than an exquisite meal?
10:58An exquisite meal with one tiny flaw we can pick at all night.
11:06Quite right.
11:08To impossible standards.
11:15So, Dad, any progress on the case?
11:18Yeah, I'm beat.
11:21Sometimes it's better to just get a good night's sleep and start fresh in the morning.
11:25Good night, fellas.
11:26Good night, Dad.
11:27Don't forget, brush your teeth and say your prayers.
11:31That's what I used to say to you guys when you were kids, didn't I?
11:35No, you didn't.
11:36Oh.
11:40I meant to.
11:41We knew that.
11:45Hello.
11:46Hello, Daphne.
11:48How was your dinner?
11:49It was fine, except for one small flaw.
11:52Oh, just the way you like it.
11:59I see you're a bit intrigued by that yourself.
12:01Yes, well, it's been a while since I've gone over this.
12:05Who are these guys?
12:06Oh, just some of the principal players in our little drama.
12:10That's Detective Shelby, the vice cop who found the body.
12:15Who is this menacing little monobrow?
12:18Oh, that's Roberti, the logger, an ex-boyfriend of Helen's.
12:23He used to come down from the mountains every couple of months and disappear with her.
12:27If you ask me, he's the murderer.
12:29The murderer?
12:30Impossible. He's got an airtight alibi.
12:33What is it?
12:34He was killing somebody else at the time.
12:39But you have to admit, this case has it all.
12:43Sex, greed, jealousy, revenge, a monkey, hatred, deception.
12:49Wait, wait, wait, wait.
12:50What?
12:51A monkey?
12:52Well, yeah.
12:53This is a snapshot of the murder victim with a pet monkey, Coco.
12:58It was given to her by another boyfriend, Clive Brisbane.
13:04Well, why wasn't Brisbane a suspect?
13:07Well, he was, but several witnesses saw him at the racetrack at the time of the murder.
13:12Excuse me, is that Clive Brisbane, the animal trainer?
13:15That's right, Brisbane's amazing ex.
13:18They opened in Las Vegas for Inglebert Humperdinck.
13:23Yes, it's easy to forget there was a time when Las Vegas wasn't the tacky place it is now.
13:31You know, I actually caught Brisbane's act on a trip to Las Vegas during college.
13:36Those apes were amazing.
13:39One minute, they'd be staging a living tableau of George Washington crossing the Delaware.
13:44The next, they'd be shooting suction cup arrows at Brisbane's lovely assistants,
13:49You know, there is a way that Brisbane could be the killer
13:55and still have his horse-track alibi hold up.
13:59Daphne, Niles, I present you with the killer.
14:07A monkey was the trigger, Mum?
14:09Just play along with me here.
14:11They're capable of shooting arrows?
14:14Why not a gun?
14:16Well, why would Brisbane have a kill?
14:19Because he's a killer.
14:21He's a killer.
14:23He's a killer.
14:25He's a killer.
14:27He's a killer.
14:29He's a killer.
14:31He's a killer.
14:33He's a killer.
14:35Why would Brisbane have a kill?
14:37Because, because she jilted him for someone else.
14:42Robert High, the logger.
14:44Exactly. My God, we've done it.
14:46No, you've done it, Dr. Crane.
14:48Well, yes, but you were standing very close by.
14:52Wait a minute.
14:54Are we saying here that a murder was committed by a monkey?
15:00It's not so very far-fetched.
15:05It could be Brisbane's diabolical homage to the Edgar Allan Poe story,
15:10Murders in the Rue Morgue.
15:12It's all about an orangutan who goes about the rooftops of Paris murdering people.
15:16Wait till we tell Dad his case has finally been solved.
15:19Dad! Dad!
15:20No, Niles, Niles, wait, wait.
15:22It's still just a theory.
15:24Even if we are right, just think how Dad will feel
15:27knowing that we've cracked a case that he couldn't solve in 20 years.
15:32Oh, dear, you're right.
15:35Wait, it's merely serendipity that I stumbled into this.
15:39Why can't it happen again?
15:41I'll simply rearrange the photos in a way so that Dad will see the connection.
15:47All right, we've got Coco, the gun, and Helen.
15:54What is it?
15:56Oh, no, hey, Frazier, what are you doing over there?
15:59No, no, no.
16:01I got these all set out the way I want them.
16:04This one goes up...
16:10I'll be damned.
16:14Something wrong?
16:18Look at that.
16:21What?
16:23Well, I never thought it would just leap out and bite me like this.
16:28I think I may have solved this plan in the ass case.
16:30You have?
16:31Dad, it's wonderful of you.
16:33No, no, don't get too excited.
16:35I mean, this is kind of far-fetched.
16:37I mean, it's a long shot, but it's beginning to make sense to me.
16:42Here, lay it out for us.
16:44Oh, no, guys, please, just give me a little privacy, will you?
16:47I've just got to do some thinking.
16:49No problem, Dad.
16:50I was just going to bed myself.
16:53Night, all.
16:54Good night, Daphne.
16:57Look at him.
16:59You see the sparkle in his eye?
17:01Oh, Frasier, he's like a little kid at Christmas.
17:04Oh, jeez, what happened to my entry wound close-ups?
17:21Hello, Daphne.
17:22Hello.
17:23Is Dad home?
17:24No, I haven't seen him since he knocked me up early this morning.
17:30What?
17:42What?
17:45Knocked me up?
17:46Woke me up?
17:47It's an English expression.
17:49What does it mean here?
17:54Oh, something else.
17:57He'll definitely be awake for a time.
18:04He was headed down to the station house to present his theory.
18:08Oh, dear God, I wish he hadn't done that.
18:11You know, I've been turning it over in my mind all day.
18:15The more I think about it, the goofier it sounds.
18:19I mean, a monkey.
18:21Well, just hope they didn't laugh him out of the station.
18:25It'd be one hell of a way to end a 30-year police career.
18:28Oh, now, now, Dr. Crane.
18:30It's not the most outlandish theory in the world.
18:35You're right.
18:38Could have said it was a trained giraffe.
18:42Suppose killed her by splitting a bullet at her.
18:45Thus...
18:47explaining the downward trajectory.
18:52Hey, guys.
18:53Hello.
18:54Oh, dear.
18:55Don't suppose we've heard anything from the station house yet, huh?
18:58Not yet.
18:59I was afraid of that.
19:01I mean, I knew my theory was a bit iffy,
19:04but when I told the guys, they looked at me like I'd lost my mind.
19:09She said they didn't ridicule you, did they, dear?
19:11Oh, no.
19:12They always treat old-timers with respect.
19:16They said, I'll check it out.
19:18Just like I used to when some nutbag had come in there
19:22with aluminum foil in his hat
19:24claiming the Martians were trying to steal his brainwaves.
19:31I'm sorry, Mr. Crane.
19:33Oh, I don't know what I was thinking of.
19:35I've been walking around all afternoon
19:38just trying to figure out how I came up with such a half-assed theory.
19:42Dad.
19:45It wasn't your fault.
19:47I did it.
19:51You killed her?
19:57No.
19:59But I did plant that ridiculous idea in your head.
20:02Remember last night when you came in
20:04so upset that I was rearranging your pictures?
20:07Well, I rearranged them in a specific way
20:09so that you would come to the same conclusion I did.
20:15So you had the idea first?
20:18I can't tell you how terrible I feel.
20:20I don't blame yourself.
20:22You might have put the aluminum foil in my hat
20:25but I walked right into the station wearing it.
20:30I'll get it.
20:37Hiya, Marty.
20:38Hey, Frank.
20:40Uh, Frazier, Daphne, you remember Frank Hollins?
20:43Frank Greeson?
20:44How you doing?
20:45Marty, we gotta talk.
20:46Oh, Frank, about that theory of mine.
20:49Look, I can't for the life of me figure what you were thinking.
20:53I know, I know.
20:54I just feel so stupid wasting your time like that.
20:58It cost us a whole afternoon and five detectives' time.
21:03And all we got to show for it is...
21:07We got the bastard!
21:09I was right!
21:10Hey, you don't believe me?
21:12Ask these derelicts.
21:17Way to go, Marty.
21:19Good to see you. Come on over.
21:21Marty, you still got it?
21:23Yeah.
21:24And it only took you 20 years.
21:27Oh, Mr. Crenn, I'm so proud of you.
21:30Oh, that's amazing.
21:32That's wonderful. Oh, that's sweet.
21:37So, Marty, how did you do it?
21:39Well, you know, for years I thought it was Robitaille, the logger.
21:43And then I thought, well, maybe it was Brisbane, the animal trainer.
21:48But I was wrong.
21:49How did you finally decide that it was Detective Shelby?
21:54Well, you know, I kept looking at that picture and it kept bugging me.
21:58You know, why was she trying to write help in the dirt?
22:01And then it came to me.
22:03She was trying to write the killer's name, Shelby.
22:07Only she must have died before she finished the B,
22:10and somebody must have kicked dirt over the S.
22:13Well, you nailed him all right.
22:15We pulled him for interrogation, he cracked like a nut.
22:21I'm sorry I ever doubted you,
22:23but I knew yourself were beginning to wonder if a monkey could really commit a murder.
22:28Well, I may have momentarily doubted it,
22:30but from time to time I have to be reminded to
22:32trust my gift.
22:36So, uh, did you call the girl's mother yet?
22:39No, we left that for you.
22:41After all, you were the guy that solved this thing.
22:43Oh, well, you know, actually, uh,
22:46I can't take all the credit for it, right, Frasier?
22:49Come on, get over here.
22:50Oh, now, Dad.
22:51No, no, come on.
22:53Don't be shy. I'm proud of you.
22:56Yeah, I was a cop for 30 years,
22:58and it took my son with his Ph.D. mind to crack this baby.
23:02Of course, I was standing next to him at the time.
23:08So, uh, tell us about it, Frasier.
23:10Oh, no.
23:15I hate to toot my own horn,
23:18but, well, it will make Dad happy.
23:21I suppose it was my expertise in human behavior
23:24combined with a lifelong enthusiasm
23:27for the Rwandan lowland gorilla
23:29that first set me thinking about the monkey.
23:35I'm not sure I'm following you.
23:38Perhaps I'm going too fast. I'll go slower.
23:41Um, the key was
23:44when I figured out that if Brisbane could teach a monkey
23:47to impersonate George Washington,
23:50then surely he could teach a monkey
23:52to cock a revolver,
23:54sneak up a fire escape,
23:56lie in wait for Helen, pump her full of lead,
23:58and then make his giveaway,
23:59perhaps even still wearing the Revolutionary War regalia
24:03in order to confuse any chance witnesses.
24:07In fact, oh, and this is way out there,
24:11but, darling, geez,
24:13maybe you should check to see
24:15if there were any local bank robberies at the time
24:18committed by a short, hairy man wearing a pouted wig.
24:26You think the monkey was the killer?
24:30When I said I was standing next to him,
24:33I was really most of the way across the room.
24:40Well, wasn't he?
24:42No, it was Shelby.
24:45Who's Shelby?
24:47Why, Scott, he was in love with Helen.
24:51Oh.
24:55Well, that was my second choice.
25:02Can I, uh, fresh anyone's drink?
25:05Uh, help me out here, Frasier.
25:08What did you think the monkey's motive was?
25:12Jealousy?
25:14Maybe he just did it for the insurance money.
25:19Hey, you think we should put a tail on that monkey?
25:24Especially if that monkey did it, he'll swing for it.
25:31Yes, that's all very funny.
25:33Oh, come on, Frasier, you can take a joke, can't you?
25:36Well, I suppose I can, yes.
25:39Oh, wait, I've got one.
25:41Who do you suppose the monkey will get to defend him?
25:44Clarence Darrow?
25:52The Scopes Monkey Trial.
25:57You know, Darwin's theory of evolution.
26:00It was turned into a Pulitzer Prize winning novel, Inherit the Wind.
26:11Is that good and loaded?
26:41Well, I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:49They're calling again.
26:52Scrambled eggs all over my face.
26:56What is a boy to do?
27:00Good night, everybody!