Frasier Season 2 Episode 5 Dukes, We Hardly Knew You
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TVTranscript
00:00thank you for your call Lorraine and now before we break for commercial Ross has
00:06an important message Ross
00:14what's that Ross can't come to the mic right now well what she wanted to say
00:20was tomorrow on Amber Edwards book chat sociologist Lamont my man discusses his
00:33book violence in the workplace why co-workers kill something which becomes
00:42more relevant with each passing moment we'll be right back out of these
00:47messages what are you doing out here one might ask the same question of you
00:59isn't it customary to wait until the show comes to a complete stop before
01:02exiting I have a little urge what is the matter with you it's kind of a
01:18celebration at 1107 this morning I finished one of those magazine diets
01:24seven days to a healthier calmer you damn chocolate-covered raisins I'd like
01:45to meet the idiot who came up with these take a grape let it shrivel into a
01:51disgusting little wart and cover it with perfectly good chocolate what the hell
01:58just suck the chocolate off be sure to save what's left maybe you can make some
02:07wine see all those years of finishing school really paid off
02:22we're in luck I've just come back from my broker metal wood property still has one
02:44share left in that mini mall deal I think we should go have season buy it give me five
02:48bro I'm not giving you anything I told you I'm not interested you can't afford not to be
02:53interested it's a 12% return we have a chance to make a real killing here why is this so
02:59important to you you and Maris are already wallowing in money like a couple of yuppie
03:03hogs this has nothing to do with Maris I'm making this investment entirely with my own money and
03:10and yours oh come on Frazier show some understanding Maris uses her money to
03:18emasculate the poor guy and this is his pathetic attempt to stop feeling like a
03:23financial eunuch and regain some shred of his former manhood such as it was
03:30well
03:3812% net and if you're unhappy at the end of the year I'll buy you out and you can go back to that
03:45cozy 2% your bank is giving you okay I mean oh thank you Frazier and thank you Ross that
03:55financial eunuch bit was inspired great stuff great stuff yeah well look what I had to work
04:00with hey check this baby out 25 cents off on a package of butter buds imitation butter
04:17I can taste that scampi now
04:22very nice thank you thank you I'll be more flattered if I didn't know how hard up you
04:44both are I'm going out with Derek again tonight I'm having trouble choosing a
04:56fragrance I've got it pinned down to these two Heather fresh and bouncy as a
05:03spring morning Oh forbidden your passport to erotic groans of pleasure
05:12how many times you've been out with this guy this is a third date forbidden
05:21why is it so important this is a third date well Daphne sexual mores being what
05:28they are in America the third date is usually the place where two healthy
05:33adults decide whether or not to take it to the next level excuse me what kind of a
05:45randy custom is that first date second day whoops let's all pitch a knickers
05:51the third date might mean not to you Americans but it takes more than three
05:58dinners to get bangers a match with Daphne moon hello dr. crane hello Daphne look even
06:14lovelier than usual this evening thank you is that forbidden in every sense of the word
06:26I think I'll just scrub my neck with an unscented soap if you ask me you Americans have an unhealthy
06:37obsession with sex I'm sorry we can't all be as chaste and restrained as the royal family
06:44Frasier I come bearing good news I just spoke to my broker Meadowood properties has already
07:02leased 85% of the space in the proposed mini mall instead of 12% they are projecting a 15%
07:09return on our money this is fantastic let's say we go celebrate with a nice dinner at an
07:13exclusive blot yes but the question remains what what sure ease too noisy I'll say it's too bright
07:24happy oh too crowded we run out of watts city this size and only three watts how do we live
07:36I'm going down to Duke's what are you guys doing we're gonna try and find some place to eat well
07:45when you get through why don't you swing by and have a beer with me
07:48yeah us yeah with you what am I speaking Swahili yeah you two at Duke's with me a beer if you want
08:15God do you believe that no no one in the family has ever been invited to Duke's not even mother
08:27there were times she could be quite the old rummy wonder why now after 30 years he's suddenly
08:40inviting us down there cheerio Daphne Daphne dad said anything to you about us and Duke's
08:48has he been planning this you mean behind your backs precisely no what a couple of Wally's
09:00I mean I have never met a family that works so hard at being uncomfortable with each other
09:06could it be that he just wants to lift a pint with his sons no Duke's is where dad hangs out
09:15with his cop buddies where he goes to escape the stresses strains and petty annoyances of
09:20everyday life in other words us well I suppose you could sit around here analyzing why he invited
09:30you and end up frittering the night away oh here's a thought you could just go down there
09:37and find out for yourself you know for a layperson she has a way of cutting right through the crap
10:00oh my god it's a room full of dabs oh look there he is there he is all of them just holding court
10:19no no wonder he likes it down here so much they're all hanging on his every word
10:23that's the most fun I've ever seen him have without a remote control in his hand
10:31I want you to meet some of the guys I was on the force with hey guys these my boys this is
10:42Frazier nice to meet you hey check this out I'm listening
10:59like hearing a recording of myself
11:05oh he's a psychiatrist too
11:15he married money
11:21come on I want you to meet my boys
11:30how about a couple of poop specials for you guys oh and what would those be boilermakers
11:44shot of whiskey beer back oh darn we've been drinking those all night maybe it's time we
11:50switch to sherry two boilermakers please it's great finally meeting you guys Marty's been
12:02telling us about you since you were kids I'll tell you Frazier we all felt terrible we heard
12:09your wife was screwing around behind your back what was her name again
12:22it was a slow night all right all right everybody settle down here settle down I want to make a
12:29toast the 30 years Dukes has been my home away from home I look around here tonight and I see a
12:41lot of friends and I want to say I'm gonna miss you and I'm gonna miss this joint too and may
12:48there be a special place in hell for those SOB's who are tearing it down to build some damn mini
12:54mall sniveling rat-faced bastards from metal wood properties did you talk to your lawyer yes
13:16he's examined the contract our checks have cleared I even spoke with the general partner he said
13:21there's no way they're willing to even consider moving the site deals going through maybe we could
13:29have Dukes declared a historical landmark it's been there for 40 years I doubt that Niles they
13:34already tore down Seattle's first Pony Express office to build this place one cappuccino one
13:43latte and hey these are on me oh this guilt is driving me crazy it should you make about ten
13:52times more than I do Dukes was his whole life well now there's nothing we can do about it really you
14:04know look at it this way we're actually doing dad a service stopping him from going out and drinking
14:10and the other policemen as well maybe we're even performing a community service men with guns will
14:18have one less place to go and liquor up there's always roses place what do you say about me when
14:30I'm not around I think the only way I'm going to feel better is if I just bite the bullet and tell
14:37dad no way I see it your situation is like a woman who has one crazy night and cheats on her
14:45boyfriend and the only reason for this woman to confess is to make herself feel better so the
14:52best thing she can do is just keep her mouth shut unless of course her boyfriend walks in on her
15:00and the other guy because he decides to come home from Portland on the midnight flight instead of
15:04driving back like he said he would so in that case he's the liar and why should she feel bad
15:09thank you Ross for that purely theoretical example fact is I happen to agree with you
15:21Niles if we tell him now it will only hurt him got to keep this quiet all right I just don't
15:30think it can be done of course it can be done you mean to say you can look dad in the eye day
15:35after day knowing you have destroyed his sanctuary and not tell him you can live with that Niles
15:41you're forgetting I married Lilith I can live with anything
16:11you buy into an investment group Eddie you don't know
16:33hi dad what are you doing up I reached over my sleep and Eddie wasn't there you need a woman
16:48dead tell me about it oh you turn the sign on that was nice of Duke to give it to me you hold
17:01a glass of beer in front of it it turns green dad Niles and I are investors in the company
17:31that's tearing down Duke's we didn't know when we found out we're trying to get out of it we
17:39couldn't oh geez yell at me dad will you please hit me or something hit me with your cage just
17:48don't stand there let me see if I got this right in the last year you give my chair away you lose
18:08my dog and now you demolish my bar what's next I'm gonna find out you're the one who shot me in the
18:16hip had an alibi for that one you have an alibi for everything but dad I thought I did this on
18:26purpose I'm part of a huge investment group I don't get it you guys stood there and you watch
18:32me and my friends get all weepy and you didn't say anything what did you want us to say hey
18:38fellas here's something ironic one held in your leash tell me I don't know I I guess I guess maybe
18:53it was because when you invited me down to Duke's it felt like we were finally getting closer it was
19:02a momentous step it was a beer not to me it was validation finally I was one of the guys who
19:12wanted to hang out with I didn't want to spoil that I would have had you down there before I
19:24just figured it was a kind of place should look down your nose that well you're probably right
19:32anyway I'm sorry oh maybe I spent too much time at Duke's anyway what do you mean oh you know
19:50when your kids were growing up everybody spent less time at Duke's more time with you I wouldn't
19:57be sitting across from a son who put so much stock in one beer you know I was actually having a
20:06pretty good time down there at Duke's till I found out I was the one responsible for obliterating it
20:12from the face of the planet I like having you there too son thanks dad do you mind just it's
20:29driving me crazy that looks like hell hey you know what we got a couple hours before that
20:44wrecking ball comes how about you and I go down there and have one more beer to do yeah now you
20:53and me yeah yeah all right great just you me and Charlie Valentine meet you right back here in a
21:05minute Oh good evening death or should I say good morning how was your date with Derek we had a
21:19wonderful time first we went to dinner then to the symphony then we took a lovely moonlight stroll
21:29through the park he's the perfect gentleman is Derrick
21:34apparently in England it's the fourth day
21:55I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow or Danny boy Oh Danny boy I love you
22:25that reminds me of old Mickey do again I remember on 4th of July we were on mounted patrol leading
22:43a big parade down Broad Street it was a real scorcher that day must been a hundred degrees
22:51and I'm sitting on top of a thousand pounds a hot sweaty horse must be complaining a bit
22:57because as we ride by Dukes making us fed up and says if you want a damn beer so bad shut up and
23:04get one so I ride old agonies right through the front door right up to the bar and order myself
23:11a beer Duke plays it cool as a cucumber and says I'm one of your friend have I said nothing he's
23:18driving I told you that one before I don't know yeah Oh what a place I'm not a beard yeah sure
23:35why not songs up look around this place and the golden early morning light it's still a dump I'm
23:57know what it is to have a neighborhood bar I remember the last time I walked out of my old
24:07watering hole back in Boston strangely emotional day it's the people I guess saying goodbye to a
24:22lot of people you know dad just because you're saying goodbye to this place doesn't mean you
24:28can't see your buddies just as much as you always did yeah you're right
24:39but that's why you move on only a fool tries to fight it
24:55I'm here to stop the demolition what are you doing here we're going to say goodbye you may
25:07not have to I've alerted my lawyers I intend to stand here and face down the bulldozers I'm
25:13prepared to take this thing to the highest court in the land miles you don't have to do that I've
25:17had a discussion with dad he forgives us sure son don't worry about it it's okay is it really okay
25:23I think not because today it's Duke's but tomorrow it's Moe's and the day after that it's Ernie's
25:33taproom see I'm not just here for you dad I'm doing this for every little guy out there who
25:42found some solace at the end of a hard day by bellying up at his neighborhood bar I'm here to
25:50show faceless corporate America they can't just walk in here without so much as a how-to-do and
25:55shove the little guy aside even when I'm that faceless corporate America I'm here to fight the
26:02good fight to show those sniveling rat-faced heathens there's still some fury pounding in the
26:10heart of John Q public on the other hand who am I to stand in the way of progress
26:28hey baby I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs quite stylish and
26:45maybe I seem a bit confused well maybe but I got you pegged but I don't know what to do with those
26:55salads and scrambled eggs they're calling again