Frasier Season 2 Episode 6 The Botched Langu Age Of Cranes
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Look at this. My so-called windproof umbrella.
00:05Put it there just as well as one of those little paper ones they put in Polynesian drinks.
00:15Well, I got a big collection of those. They remind me of wonderful evenings that I can't remember.
00:21You know, I've got some requests here for some personal appearances. City College wants you to lecture.
00:27Fine, just tell me the date.
00:29Okay. St. Bartholomew's Hospital wants you to NC their annual benefit.
00:33Pass.
00:34What, you're turning down a hospital?
00:36Yes. Don't look at me that way.
00:41Hey, I'm with you. I hate the way those whiny sick people are always nagging you for things.
00:46I want a magazine. I want a kidney.
00:52Roz, I have as much sympathy for sick people as you do, which is why I said yes when they asked me to appear last year.
00:59I bought an Armani tuxedo, spent a week working on my speech, postponed a trip to go see Frederick.
01:05Then on the morning of the dinner, they called me, told me they didn't need me because their first choice had become available.
01:10The irrepressible Kathy Lee Gifford.
01:16Thank God. Way to hold a grudge.
01:19This is not about spite. This is about dignity.
01:22Dignity is a rare and fragile thing. Any other requests?
01:27Yeah, the Miss Teenage Seattle pageant wants you to be a judge.
01:30Oh, do that.
01:35That's real dignified.
01:36A scholarship is involved.
01:41All right, you're on in ten seconds.
01:42Look, we have new sponsors and the sales department wants you to work this copy in as often as you can.
01:52Good afternoon, Seattle.
01:54This is Dr. Frazier Crane, KACL 780.
01:58Well, it's another gray, depressing day here in the Emerald City.
02:03Here's hoping we can brighten up your afternoon.
02:07We hold it our personal duty to banish your rainy day blues.
02:12But first, a message from a new sponsor.
02:15Death is inevitable.
02:24But it's especially painful when it claims a beloved family pet.
02:31Or are planning to lose.
02:35A cherished dog, cat, or bird.
02:38Let Pet Paradise console you with a tasteful plexiglass memorial bearing the likeness of your departed friend.
02:47Pet Paradise.
02:49Though your pet may be small, your loss is great.
02:55Who's our first caller, Ross?
02:58We have Edna on line two.
02:59She's a receptionist at a pest control company and she's feeling depressed.
03:05Hello, Edna.
03:07I'm listening.
03:08Hello, Dr. Crane.
03:10I've been working in pest control for 15 years.
03:13I go in every day, answer the same calls, ask the same questions.
03:20What kind of bugs are they?
03:22Have you seen any droppings?
03:25Then I go to the next person.
03:27What kind of bugs are they?
03:29Have you seen any droppings?
03:31Edna, I'm a psychiatrist.
03:32I can sense where this is going.
03:34You know, even the most interesting of lives can become routine.
03:38What you need to do is shake up your world.
03:41Find a new boyfriend, a new job, a new city even.
03:45You mean move?
03:47Well, certainly.
03:49There are a lot easier places to cheer up than this dreary, soggy old city of ours.
03:56You know something, Dr. Crane, you're right.
03:59I don't have to stay here.
04:01When you think about it, there's a whole world of vermin out there.
04:06Very eloquently put, Edna.
04:09Thank you for your call.
04:12Speaking of vermin, when that special rat of yours turns its little toes up for the last time,
04:22don't forget your friends at Pet Paradise.
04:26Pet Paradise.
04:28When a shoebox isn't enough.
04:47Another radiant morning.
04:51What do you think, Dad?
04:53Should I drive to work today or just hail a passing gondola?
04:58I like the rain. Chases those squeegee guys off the street.
05:09Now, stay put until I can dry off your feet.
05:14There, that ought to do it.
05:17Aw, Daphne, get that hat off him.
05:20Isn't it bad enough we had him neutered?
05:24Look, the way things are going, I don't think I'm going to have children.
05:29Just let me dress up the dog.
05:32I've never seen a dog look that stupid.
05:36You'll change it's hue when you see it.
05:39I've never seen a dog look that stupid.
05:42You'll change it's hue when you see the outfit I got him for St. Patrick's Day.
05:48Hey, get a load of this.
05:50Derek Mann mentioned you in his column.
05:53I've been listening to Frasier Crane this week because I've been trying to drop a few pounds
05:58and find that his voice makes an effective appetite suppressant.
06:04How witty.
06:05I thought so, too.
06:10Yesterday, I heard him advise an unhappy young woman that she could magically cure her depression
06:17simply by leaving Seattle.
06:19I know what would cure my depression
06:22if the Seattle-hating Dr. Crane would take his own advice
06:26and leave town as soon as possible.
06:28Well, it's just ludicrous.
06:30I never said any such thing.
06:31Oh, yes, you did. I heard you.
06:34He said Seattle was dreary and if she wanted to spruce up her life, she should leave town.
06:39Well, that was just one of several suggestions I made.
06:42He took it completely out of context.
06:44Well, whatever you said, you're going to apologize, right?
06:47What for?
06:48For insulting Seattle.
06:50People around here take a lot of pride in this town.
06:52They don't appreciate some radio know-it-all telling them it's rainy and depressing.
06:57In case you haven't noticed, Dad, it does get a little damp around here.
07:01For God's sake, the state flower is mildew.
07:08Let me tell you something.
07:10A city's like a woman.
07:12You get one mad at you, it doesn't matter if you're completely right and she's completely wrong,
07:16you apologize anyway or you'll be paying for it for the rest of your life.
07:21I'm not sure I care for that analogy.
07:24Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Daphne. I was way out of line.
07:28All right, you're forgiven.
07:36You know, Dad, to you, everything is like a woman.
07:40A fast car is like a woman. A romantic song is like a woman.
07:44Good meatloaf is like a woman.
07:47Well, a city is not like a woman. It's like a city.
07:50And I am not apologizing to this one.
07:53Even if you don't understand that, Seattle does.
07:56And Seattle loves Frasier Crane.
08:17Hello, Father Mike. Hello, Frasier.
08:20Look, Dr. Crane was not bashing Seattle.
08:24He was sincerely trying to help that woman.
08:28Who's our sponsor? Pet Paradise.
08:32Fine, go ahead and boycott them.
08:35See how easy it is to flush your dead German shepherd down the toilet.
08:42No, tell me, was that a complaint about this rain business?
08:46Yes, and thanks to you, I've been on the phone all morning.
08:49Oh, well, forgive me. From now on, I'll stick to subjects like suicide and birth control.
08:53Stay away from the controversial stuff like weather.
08:58Hello. Hey, Doc. I need some advice.
09:02I feel a cold coming on and I'm wondering, should I take vitamin C or should I just leave Seattle?
09:15Now, I hope you're happy. According to Betsy at the switchboard, we've logged over 50 irate calls.
09:2150? Damn, you broke my record.
09:26The most I ever got was 35 when I did that commentary.
09:30Lady umpires, finally a chest worth protecting.
09:36You know, Frasier, you really should think about apologizing.
09:40You know what, I'd be the first to apologize if I said anything wrong, but I didn't.
09:43I've got half a dozen calls stacked up in there and they all say you did.
09:47Yes, well, just take messages from all those people. I don't want to talk to them.
09:50You know, I don't know how to break this to you, but it's a call-in show.
09:59I don't know how you can say Seattle's a depressing place.
10:03I mean, I've spent the last 40 years in this city working the graveyard shift at a salmon cannery.
10:09And let me tell you something, you fat-headed moron.
10:13I'm probably the most cheerful person you'll ever meet.
10:18Certainly the most cheerful person I've met today.
10:24Alas, we're out of time.
10:28I'd like to just say, as I've been saying for the last three hours,
10:32that it was not my intent to cause anyone offense.
10:37But since it seems obvious that I have, I would like to say this.
10:41I apologize.
10:43I do not find Seattle a depressing place to live.
10:46It would take more than clouds to obscure the beauty of her landscape
10:50and more than drizzle to dampen the warmth and good fellowship
10:55that makes Seattle the only place in this bad old world that I care to call home.
11:01Till Monday, then.
11:03This is Dr. Fraser Crane signing off.
11:07Signing off.
11:10Good grief!
11:12Have you ever in your life heard such a bunch of whiny, provincial crybabies?
11:16I swear to God, this entire city has lost its tiny, rain-addled mind!
11:21Uh, Dr. Crane, we're still on the air.
11:31Thank you, Roz.
11:37Now we're off.
11:44This goes here, and that attaches there.
11:49Dr. Crane, are you sure you don't want me to try my hand there?
11:53No, no, Daphne, this is no job for you.
11:55You might crack a nail or snag a cuticle.
12:00There! Are we getting anything?
12:02Does a noid count?
12:07Oh, hush.
12:09If you hadn't bashed it with your cane because your precious sea hawk's lost,
12:13we wouldn't need a new set now, would we?
12:16Isn't there a manual?
12:18Yes, but unfortunately Stephen Hawking's not here to explain it to us.
12:32Man, I thought the winds had eased up out there.
12:35They have.
12:36Then what happened to your umbrella?
12:38One of my listeners recognized me on the street.
12:41He pulled it backwards through a chain-link fence.
12:47You would not believe the hostility I've encountered,
12:50even at the Café Nervoso, my sanctuary.
12:52I thought they were trying out a new cappuccino maker.
12:55I turned and saw three tables hissing at me.
13:01Don't answer that, Daphne.
13:03I can't abide the sound of a ringing phone.
13:05It's just going to be another crank complaining about pressure.
13:08They've been calling here all day.
13:10Oh, no, they've got my home number now.
13:12Yes, but just because the phone rings doesn't mean we have to answer it.
13:17Even though it could be Frederick calling to say he loves you,
13:20or Grammy Moon calling to say her hit's gone out again.
13:23Still, they can't be slaves to a little ringing bell.
13:27Just because it's going ring, ring, ring.
13:32Ring.
13:33Or in the case of a British telephone, ring, ring.
13:37Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
13:40I'm just answering it, for God's sake.
13:42Thank you.
13:44Green residence?
13:46Oh, no, I'm afraid he can't come to the phone.
13:49May I take a message?
13:51Oh, nice language, that.
13:54I hope you don't eat with that mouth.
13:58Daphne? Daphne, excuse me.
14:01Now, see here, how dare you speak to a lady that way.
14:04Yes, well, that's no excuse, ma'am.
14:09Only a coward makes threats over the phone.
14:11I dare you to come here and say that to my face.
14:15Never you mind where I live.
14:23Is anyone expecting visitors?
14:26Well, I suggest we all remain very, very quiet.
14:31I suddenly have this image of angry villagers wielding torches and pitchforks.
14:38Fraser, open up, it's Ross.
14:41Oh, dear, it's worse than I thought.
14:44Ross, what are you doing out on this ungodly night?
14:47I tried calling, but your line is busy.
14:50Hey, Ross.
14:51Hey, Martin. How are you doing?
14:54Good.
14:55Is that a new TV?
14:56Yeah.
14:57That's great. Did you get it hooked up yet?
14:59No, I decided I'd let Miles take a crack at it first.
15:08God, Martin, you're awful.
15:13Listen, Fraser, after you let the station manager stop by,
15:17he's taking a lot of heat from the sponsors,
15:19and he says if you cannot smooth this over, he may have to suspend you.
15:23Suspend me? What's he going to put in my time slot?
15:26He'd have to run the best of Crane.
15:28What'll I do on the second day?
15:35I don't know how I'm ever going to smooth this over.
15:38The entire city is out to lynch me.
15:40Tell me about it.
15:41This guy I met at the gym cancelled on me when he found out I worked for you.
15:45You're even alienating my boyfriends.
15:47Oh, well, we can't afford to lose a demographic as large as that.
15:51Look, what we need here is a little damage control.
15:54Now, it's still not too late for you to call the people at St. Bart's Hospital
15:57and tell them you'll speak at their fundraiser.
16:00The way they treated me last year?
16:02It's a big event. There'll be lots of media there.
16:04This is the perfect chance for you to redeem yourself.
16:07Listen to Rob.
16:08Okay, I'll just stay out of this.
16:09Well, if you take my advice to the first place...
16:11Look, I did take your advice. I apologize.
16:13Oh, so sincerely.
16:15What is the big deal?
16:16You'll make a few jokes, a few self-deprecating remarks.
16:19You'll be helping sick people
16:21and showing everyone you know how to laugh at yourself.
16:23I think it's a brilliant suggestion.
16:26My God, Niles, did you just compliment me?
16:29Indeed, I did.
16:31You're very savvy, Roz.
16:33You remind me of one of those cleverly amoral PR flacks
16:36who sell their services to industries that pollute.
16:40You really think it's a good idea, Niles?
16:42Well, it worked for Nancy Reagan.
16:45After her first year in the White House,
16:47she was widely criticized for her lavish spending.
16:50She responded by appearing at a satirical dinner
16:53wearing thrift store clothes
16:55and performing second-hand rose.
16:57And that made people like her again?
16:59Yes, briefly.
17:01And then she went on to become
17:03one of the most popular women in the world.
17:07Yes, briefly.
17:09Oh, what the hell.
17:11Tell them I'll emcee.
17:13You know, better yet,
17:14tell them I'll take a whole table at the banquet.
17:16I already did.
17:17You owe those nuns 800 bucks.
17:19800?
17:20Don't mess with them.
17:24I put myself in such a precarious position.
17:27I've got to choose my material very carefully.
17:29Oh, I know some good jokes.
17:31No, Niles, you don't.
17:35You know, if it's jokes,
17:37you need to feel free to use some of mine.
17:39Oh, yes.
17:41I'm sure the nuns would just love that.
17:43Well, I'm going to call Bulldog
17:45and ask him for a couple of limericks
17:47from his Nantucket series.
17:49I'll just call Father Mike.
17:51I'm sure he knows a couple of inoffensive jokes.
17:56Hello?
17:57Yes, well, you know what?
17:59I don't care how you feel.
18:01I want to use the phone right now.
18:04Daphne, your grandmother's hippo zombie.
18:10Billy!
18:29I do hope you'll have
18:31some humorous stories for us.
18:34Though, of course,
18:36nothing too racy or risque.
18:39Oh, no, no, of course not.
18:40I wouldn't dream of it.
18:41Good.
18:43Last year,
18:45Kathy Lee Gifford told a most unfortunate story
18:49involving newlyweds
18:51and a ski lift.
19:01Hello, all.
19:03Hey, Father.
19:05Thank you for coming out for such a good cause.
19:07Hey, I'd support this cause any time.
19:09St. Boris is where I had my hip surgery.
19:11They treated me good.
19:13I just saw Frasier.
19:14I must say, he seems a bit nervous.
19:16Well, he ought to be.
19:17There's a lot riding on this performance tonight.
19:20Well, thank goodness
19:21he's got that sweet old nun there to comfort him.
19:26She's not so sweet.
19:28That's Sister Joselia, the Scrubbing Nun.
19:31Better known as the Terror of Ward 3.
19:34You still remember her?
19:36Hey, you know that nightmare
19:37where I wake up screaming,
19:38Not the sponge! Not the sponge!
19:42That's her!
19:44You know, when I was a girl,
19:45I considered being a nun.
19:47Really?
19:48What changed your mind?
19:52I didn't want to work weekends.
19:54Hey, where'd Maris go?
19:56I believe Mrs. Crane is over there.
19:58Where?
19:59Oh, bless her busy little heart.
20:01She's cornered Lydia Beaumont,
20:03head of the museum board.
20:04Maris has been angling to get on that board for years.
20:07Looks like Lydia's getting away.
20:09Oh, yes, the old fresh in the drink ploy.
20:11Poor Lydia has no idea with whom she's dealing.
20:15That's right, Maris.
20:16Chug that sherry on with the chase.
20:19Yes, there she goes.
20:21She's gaining, she's gaining,
20:22she's coming around the ice sculpture.
20:24It's Mrs. Beaumont and Maris,
20:25Mrs. Beaumont and Maris,
20:26and yes, they meet again.
20:31I fully expect they'll be board mates
20:33before they clear away the desserts.
20:35Evening, everyone.
20:36Hey, son.
20:37Oh, Dr. Crane, we were just saying
20:39how handsome and confident you look.
20:41Really?
20:42Absolutely.
20:43Forehead.
20:47Remember I sold jokes I gave you?
20:49Remember I sold jokes I gave you?
20:51Yes, yes.
20:52They're the reason I look so handsome and confident.
20:55Shouldn't they have started this thing by now?
20:58Oh, well, we're waiting for Bishop Kolodji.
21:00He's supposed to introduce me.
21:02I'm sure he'll be here any minute.
21:03Break a leg, Frazier.
21:05Now, listen, I've done a few bowling banquets in my time.
21:08The thing to remember is
21:09keep smiling and look like you're having a good time.
21:12Right.
21:13Yeah, and if a joke bombs,
21:14don't pay any attention to it.
21:16Do what Johnny Carson used to do.
21:18He used to make a joke about how bad it is.
21:20Mmm!
21:22Bravo!
21:25Oh, I miss that guy.
21:28Your dad's right, Frazier.
21:30Just go up there and be confident.
21:32Yes, well, I'll do that
21:33just as soon as I find a men's room.
21:35Oh, you'll be fine.
21:36You've just got a few butterflies in your stomach.
21:38Not for long, I don't.
21:39I'll be right back.
21:44Good evening.
21:47I'm Father Mike Mancuso, and
21:50I've just been asked to
21:52make a very sad announcement.
21:56As you know, every year our guest speaker
21:58has been introduced by Bishop Kalaji,
22:01our chairman
22:02and host of the popular Sunday morning cable TV show
22:06Pancakes and Parables.
22:10However, we've just been informed
22:12that the bishop has suffered a terrible accident.
22:16It seems that he was out fishing this afternoon
22:18when his boat was hit by a storm and capsized.
22:23At the moment, he remains missing.
22:26However, I will keep you abreast of any further developments.
22:29Why does everything happen to Frazier?
22:32Never stated, as we all are.
22:35We know how much this evening means to the bishop
22:39and how he delights in entertaining us each year
22:42with his biblical hand shadows
22:47We also know that he would be the first to insist
22:51that we proceed without him.
22:54So, I'm going to step in and introduce
22:57this year's speaker.
22:59Won't you extend a cordial and gracious
23:02welcome to my friend and colleague,
23:06Dr. Frazier Crane.
23:09Dr. Crane.
23:11Dr. Crane.
23:13Ah!
23:24Thank you, Father Mike.
23:26Thank you very much.
23:28I can't tell you what an honor it is to be here this evening.
23:31I expected the bishop to introduce me, but I'm
23:34I'm sure he'll drift in eventually.
23:44You know, it's a real comfort to see so many
23:48priests out there in the audience.
23:50These days, I don't dare speak in public
23:53without someone standing by who can perform the last rites.
23:59Whoa!
24:01Very religious crowd, I see.
24:03I can tell because of the vow of silence.
24:09Hope you got some holy water standing by there, Father.
24:12I'm dying here.
24:16And speaking of water,
24:20that reminds me of a little story.
24:22A rabbi, a minister, and a priest
24:27are all sitting at the bar on the Titanic.
24:31Dr. Crane, the bishop.
24:34Oh, well, I heard the story with a priest,
24:37but what the heck, the bishop's even funnier, isn't he?
24:40Thank you, sister.
24:42Okay, then.
24:44A rabbi, a minister, and a bishop
24:50are all sitting at the bar when the purser rushes in
24:53to give them the horrible news.
24:55Frazier, the bishop is lost at sea.
24:59Hey, look, are you telling this story or am I?
25:02But, Frazier...
25:04Hey, come on, lady, I work alone, all right?
25:06Hey, thank you.
25:08All right, anyway.
25:10So the purser rushes in to give them the horrible news
25:13about the boat.
25:15So the rabbi gets up and says,
25:17My God, my people will need me.
25:19The minister is about to leave when the priest says,
25:21Oh, oh, sorry.
25:23The bishop
25:27says, Oh, relax, have another drink.
25:29I'm sure that the rabbi can handle it.
25:31And the minister says,
25:33My God, man, how can you abandon your flock
25:35when we've just hit an iceberg?
25:37And the bishop says, An iceberg?
25:39I thought he said we hit a weissberg.
25:47Hello?
25:49Is this thing on?
25:53Mmm, bombo.
25:55Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin',
25:57Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:59Oh, my.
26:01And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:03Yeah, maybe.
26:05But I got you pegged.
26:07Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:09But I don't know what to do
26:11With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:13Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:15Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:17Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:19Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:21Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:23But I don't know what to do
26:25With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:29They're callin' again.
26:33Scrambled eggs all over my face.
26:37What is the boy to do?
26:41Thank you!