Frasier Season 4 Episode 15 Roz's Krantz & Go Uldenstein Are Dead
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Oh, did I mention two members of my Fear of Commitment group have announced they're getting
00:06married.
00:07Oh, congratulations.
00:08There's a downside though.
00:11They're new age types and weddings to be held in the woods.
00:15So?
00:17I need a date.
00:19You know how the women in my crowd tend to droop outdoors.
00:22Yeah, it's well known out there.
00:26All different sorts of women in the world, you know.
00:29Perhaps if you tipped her beyond the fringes of your precious circle, cast a wider net.
00:36Frazier, that woman by the side of the road spearing trash.
00:42Not that wide.
00:43No, no, no, no, no.
00:44It's Roz.
00:45I'll call her this.
00:46If she realizes we've recognized her, she'll be utterly humiliated.
00:59Oh, Roz.
01:01Oh, my God.
01:04You're not seeing me.
01:05Go away.
01:06Roz, what on earth are you doing here?
01:10Just let me in.
01:11Wait.
01:12I'll spread the papers.
01:13Thank you.
01:14Thank you, Roz.
01:15You're welcome.
01:16All right.
01:17Okay, let's go.
01:18What?
01:19What do you mean, let's go?
01:20I can't do that.
01:21I don't even know why you're here.
01:22About a month ago, I got stopped doing 60 in a 30 mile an hour zone.
01:33It was either a huge fine or community service.
01:37So here I am.
01:38And it's a nightmare.
01:41Breathing exhaust fumes.
01:43Using a spatula to scrape up road kill.
01:46Well, at least it was on the bright side.
01:51You're outdoors.
01:52You can enjoy nature.
01:53You're beautifying our highway.
01:54Frazier, I found an ear.
01:55Was there no other service you could have performed?
02:01The only other option was visiting old people in a retirement home.
02:05And you chose this?
02:06Well, think about it.
02:08Walking the streets, picking up trash.
02:10You can see how Roz would go with a familiar.
02:13Lying.
02:14Old people just make me uncomfortable.
02:17Roz, if you were to consider that your discomfort around the elderly may stem from your own fear
02:23of growing old.
02:24Wow.
02:25Do you think?
02:26Oh, my God.
02:27What?
02:28It's my supervisor.
02:29Hit the gas.
02:30I can't.
02:31It might be illegal.
02:32Move or your brother gets it.
02:33Absolutely not.
02:34All right.
02:35The headrest.
02:36Off we go.
02:37Oh, well, there.
02:38Doing your exercise.
02:39Yeah.
02:40Very good.
02:41Just a little further.
02:42There you go.
02:43Congratulations.
02:44Thank you.
02:45Thank you.
02:46Thank you.
02:47Thank you.
02:48Thank you.
02:49Thank you.
02:50Thank you.
02:51Thank you.
02:52Thank you.
02:53Thank you.
02:54Thank you.
02:55Thank you.
02:56Thank you.
02:57Thank you.
02:58Thank you.
02:59Thank you.
03:00Thank you.
03:01Thank you.
03:02Thank you.
03:03Congratulations, Mr. Crane.
03:04You finally got your knee past your rib cage.
03:07Oh, it's no big deal.
03:08Yeah.
03:09Well, it's more than Lilith could accomplish in five years of marriage.
03:17You know, it's so gratifying to see your father make these little improvements.
03:21It stays like this one.
03:22I'm glad I took this position.
03:24We're all glad you took this position.
03:29Well, you know, Daphne, I must say that sometimes I envy you.
03:32Here you go, Niles.
03:40You know, I'll just say that it's always gratifying to see some reward for your efforts.
03:46Lately, that's something I've been lacking in my own work.
03:49How so?
03:50Oh, well, you know, back in private practice, I could spend months, even years with a patient,
03:56see the fruits of my labor.
03:58Now, somebody calls in, I give my advice and never know how things work out.
04:03Simply release my humble words in the airways and then they're gone forever, vanished.
04:08So like my Tiffany cufflinks.
04:12I'd hoped to wear them to my new age wedding.
04:14They've disappeared.
04:15So you know my pain.
04:23Well, I'm not really dissatisfied.
04:24It's just that...
04:25Well, Daphne, you know, you get to see your progress with Dad.
04:28Niles, you have the upcoming marriage of your commitment phobics.
04:32Oh, come on.
04:33You help people all the time.
04:34You helped me just the other day.
04:36How?
04:37Well, I was worried because Eddie had lost his appetite.
04:40And you remember what you said?
04:43If I remember rightly, I said, well, why don't you just give him some of my truffle foie gras?
04:48Right.
04:50I was being funny.
04:52Oh.
04:53Oh.
04:55I knew that.
04:57Just cheered me right up.
04:58Come on, Eddie.
05:13Excuse me, Bulldog.
05:14What's up, Doc?
05:18Have you seen Ross?
05:19She's late.
05:20My show goes on in 30 seconds.
05:21You know what?
05:22I'm going to buy a dumper.
05:23Well, that's a little extreme, don't you think?
05:25Right.
05:26I fire everybody once a year.
05:27Housekeepers, personal trainers.
05:29You know, cut them off before they start copying an attitude.
05:32Oh, oh, oh.
05:33Doctors are the worst of all.
05:35You pick up the same disease three or four times, they start lecturing you like it's your fault.
05:41You want a bite?
05:43All of you skipped it to me across a pool of disinfectants.
05:52Hello, Seattle.
05:53Good afternoon.
05:54This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
05:56You know, today we're going to do things just a little bit different.
06:00For the past four years now, I've been taking your calls and giving advice,
06:04and I was thinking perhaps our listeners are wondering how things have turned out.
06:09I know I do.
06:10So today I invite those of you who've called in in the past to give us a holler,
06:15and we can catch up on how things have worked out for you.
06:19All our lines are open.
06:20Come on.
06:22Come on, you know the number.
06:25Ah, there we are.
06:28Hello.
06:29This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
06:31How did I help you?
06:36Hello, Dr. Crane.
06:37This is Chet from Whidbey Island.
06:39How did I help you?
06:41I'm sorry.
06:42I'm sorry.
06:43I'm sorry.
06:44I'm sorry.
06:45I'm sorry.
06:46I'm sorry.
06:47Hello, Dr. Crane.
06:48This is Chet from Whidbey Island.
06:50I gave you a call last year.
06:52I was having problems with low self-esteem.
06:56Ah.
06:57Ah, I see.
06:58And did my advice help you to become more assertive?
07:01Damn straight.
07:02You're not people who say I'm downright arrogant.
07:06Well, you know what I'd say?
07:08Screw them.
07:09Well, perhaps you took my advice just a bit too far.
07:15Who the hell are you?
07:19Screw you, too.
07:24Well, as I give myself a well-deserved pat on the back,
07:29Chet marches off to invade Poland.
07:33Let's just go to commercial.
07:35Oh.
07:36Let's just go to commercial.
07:40Well, Ross, glad you could join us.
07:42You're lucky I made it at all.
07:45I took your advice and went down to that retirement home
07:47to finish off my community service.
07:49It's a lot better than spearing trash, isn't it?
07:52You tell me.
07:54I started playing checkers with this old man, Mr. Krantz.
07:58Well, things got a little competitive
08:00and he made a really bad move and I said,
08:02You're a dead man.
08:05You're a dead man.
08:09Oh, dear.
08:10I think I see where this story's headed.
08:13A minute later, he's lying sprawled across the board.
08:16Pieces are everywhere.
08:17The whole place is screaming.
08:19When I pulled him up, he still had a checker
08:21stuck to his forehead.
08:24Ross, I am so sorry.
08:27I can see how you could be very traumatized by this.
08:31All right, we're back.
08:32You know, that was kind of a catchy little commercial, wasn't it?
08:34Yeah.
08:37Ross, listen.
08:38You can't be too upset about this.
08:40Now, given the circumstances, his age
08:42and his surroundings,
08:44surely this thing was sort of expected.
08:47Not with this guy.
08:48The whole reason I liked him
08:50was he was so youthful and robust.
08:53You should have seen him, Frasier.
08:55He was raring to go.
08:56He kept bragging about how good he was
08:58and how much fun it was gonna be.
09:01And he dies on me.
09:02Hey, it happens to all guys, okay?
09:05Hold on.
09:06No, no, no.
09:07This is a pet peeve of mine, Doc.
09:09Why is it always the guy's fault?
09:11You know, if you chicks needed a little less booze
09:13to get from maybe to yes,
09:14we'd be a lot more alert
09:16when the moment of truth arrives.
09:20Hold on.
09:21Ross was playing checkers
09:23with an elderly gentleman and he died.
09:26Oh, well.
09:27Well, when I said we,
09:28I didn't mean me
09:29because I don't have that...
09:35Hey, you're a doctor.
09:36That was confidential.
09:39Well,
09:40I guess it's back
09:41to scraping up roadkill.
09:43Ross, Ross,
09:44surely you realize
09:45what happened today
09:46at the retirement home
09:47was an aberration.
09:48Well, maybe so,
09:49but I wasn't comfortable
09:50being around old people
09:51to begin with
09:52and this certainly hasn't helped me.
09:54Being around old people
09:55to begin with
09:56and this certainly
09:57hasn't helped matters.
09:58Now, Ross, listen.
09:59If you're ever going to conquer
10:00your fear of aging,
10:01you've got to get back down there
10:02and spend some time
10:03with these people.
10:04You'll learn
10:05that they're really
10:06vital human beings.
10:08Well, I'm still not convinced.
10:09All right,
10:10then think of it this way.
10:11There's been a lot of fog
10:12on the interstate lately
10:13and the caribou are migrating.
10:22As the train whistle screamed
10:23and we started
10:24out of the station,
10:26I lowered the window
10:27and said,
10:28I'll be back.
10:30But somehow I knew
10:32I would never see
10:33her or Paris again.
10:37The end.
10:39That was a pretty good book,
10:40wasn't it,
10:41Mr. Goldenstein?
10:43Mr. Goldenstein,
10:44you're feeling a little cold.
10:46Can I make you
10:47a nice hot cup of...
10:49Oh my God!
10:51Oh my God!
11:01Come on, boy,
11:02you can do it.
11:03Come on.
11:04Hey!
11:05Hey, Brace,
11:06look at that.
11:07He's dancing.
11:08He's practically
11:09doing a polka.
11:10Oh, good.
11:11That should up his price
11:12when I sell him
11:13to the carnival.
11:16Hello.
11:17Hello, Daphne.
11:18Back from the big wedding
11:19in the woods, huh?
11:20Oh, yes,
11:21and don't you look nice.
11:23Except,
11:24what's this sticky stuff
11:25all over your shoulder here?
11:26Did you finally find a date?
11:28I asked Maris.
11:29Sap.
11:30I think Daphne speaks
11:31for us all.
11:35How the hell
11:36did this happen?
11:37Well,
11:38I was desperate for a date
11:39and I knew Maris
11:40would be lonely
11:41this time of year.
11:42It's cruise season.
11:43She never partakes.
11:44She has an absolute
11:45terror of buffets.
11:46Oh, yes.
11:47Legendary smorgaphobia.
11:50So how'd it go?
11:51Or should I say
11:52how big a scene
11:53did she make?
11:54Actually,
11:55she did quite well.
11:56She willingly joined
11:57in the ceremonial chanting.
12:00When the shaman
12:01invited those
12:02so inclined to embrace
12:03their favorite tree,
12:04Maris said
12:05the only tree
12:06she was willing to embrace
12:07was her family tree.
12:10Everyone laughed.
12:12Well, I laughed.
12:17Then it happened.
12:18They called
12:19for a group hug.
12:20Oh, dear.
12:23Last time I saw her,
12:24she was bracing
12:25toward her Mercedes
12:26minning a high-pitched shriek
12:27that caused
12:28the wedding dogs
12:29to attack one another.
12:34See if I can find
12:35something to remove
12:36this sap.
12:39Another one died.
12:40What?
12:41What happened?
12:42What's she talking about?
12:43Oh,
12:44Dan Ross has been
12:45doing some
12:46community service
12:47down at her
12:48retirement home.
12:50Apparently for the
12:51second time this week
12:52one of her charges
12:53has died.
12:55They're calling me
12:56the Angel of Death now.
13:00Oh, you know
13:01this isn't your fault?
13:02Maybe it is.
13:04I've never been good
13:05with plants or animals.
13:07Everything's always
13:08died on me.
13:09You have a cat.
13:12Oh.
13:15I'm so sorry.
13:16Ross,
13:17death is an
13:18occupational hazard
13:19of working
13:20with older people.
13:21Trust me,
13:22I've lost more
13:23patients than
13:24I'd like to count.
13:25You never said
13:26anything about that
13:27to me.
13:28Didn't I?
13:29Anyway,
13:30you just sit there
13:31and I will make
13:32you a nice cup of tea.
13:33Wait, wait.
13:34How many patients
13:35did you lose?
13:36I don't know.
13:37I used to keep
13:38a tally in my diary,
13:39but it made me
13:40a bit sad.
13:41Was it more than five?
13:43Now listen, Ross.
13:44There's no way
13:45that you can feel
13:46guilty about this.
13:48I mean,
13:49those men were
13:50going to die anyway.
13:51If anything,
13:52you gave them
13:53some much welcome
13:54companionship
13:55in their final moments.
13:56It just seems
13:57so unfair.
13:59One minute
14:00he's lying
14:01in the bed
14:02smiling and happy
14:04and ten seconds
14:05later it's over.
14:10Heaven's sake.
14:11It happens
14:12to every man
14:13a couple of times
14:14Why can't you women
14:15just take it
14:16as a compliment?
14:26Look,
14:27I appreciate you
14:28coming down here with me,
14:29but I don't think
14:30I can make it.
14:31Ross,
14:32we have discussed this.
14:33This is going to be
14:34your breakthrough day.
14:35They hate me here.
14:36You're just overreacting.
14:37There is no way
14:38they think
14:39you're the angel of death.
14:40I'm leaving.
14:41No.
14:42Ross,
14:44this is not like you.
14:45The Ross I know
14:46is not a quitter.
14:47She's a fighter.
14:48Oh,
14:49I just can't help
14:50thinking it's going
14:51to happen again.
14:52They always
14:53die in threes.
14:54Oh God,
14:55that's just celebrities.
14:56Come on.
15:01Come on.
15:02In you go.
15:08Hi.
15:09Hi.
15:11I'm Ross.
15:12I'm Moira.
15:13Come in.
15:15How are you feeling today?
15:16Fine.
15:17Really?
15:18Do you feel okay?
15:19Yes.
15:20Now do me a favor
15:21and hand me
15:22those cigarettes,
15:23would you?
15:26You know,
15:27these things
15:28do come with a warning.
15:29So do you, darling.
15:30I let you in.
15:34Good afternoon.
15:36How are you doing?
15:37Is that
15:38Dr. Crane?
15:41Yes.
15:43Dr. Frazier Crane?
15:45Yes.
15:47Have we met?
15:48No,
15:49but I thought
15:50that was you.
15:51I recognize
15:52your voice
15:53from the radio.
15:54I listen to your
15:55program all the time.
15:56Norman Royster.
15:58Well,
15:59it's my pleasure.
16:01Are you here
16:02visiting somebody?
16:03Oh, no, no, no.
16:04I'm just here
16:05with a friend of mine,
16:06doing some
16:07community service.
16:08Ah,
16:09the angel of death.
16:10Nice gal.
16:14You know,
16:15I remember
16:16one day
16:17I was listening
16:18to your program
16:19and, uh,
16:20it was right after
16:21my wife died
16:22and I was going
16:23through kind of
16:24a rough patch.
16:25You told this guy
16:26who was going
16:27through the same thing
16:28that he should
16:29keep pictures
16:30of his wife around
16:31to help with
16:32the transition.
16:33That was a good idea.
16:34So you started
16:35doing that.
16:36Well,
16:37that wouldn't make
16:38much sense now,
16:39would it?
16:40Well,
16:41no.
16:42Well,
16:43what did you do?
16:44Well,
16:45I remembered
16:46when we were
16:47dating,
16:48Helen made
16:49this life mask
16:50of herself
16:51for art class
16:52and I had
16:53my daughter
16:54dig through
16:55the attic
16:56and,
16:57lo and behold,
16:58she found it.
16:59This is the way
17:00she looked
17:01when we met.
17:02Isn't she
17:03beautiful?
17:04So you were right.
17:05Every night
17:06before I fall asleep,
17:07I run my fingers
17:08over Helen's
17:09beautiful face
17:10and it takes me
17:11right back
17:12to all those
17:13wonderful years
17:14we had together.
17:15It made a world
17:16of difference.
17:18I want to thank you.
17:20You really helped me.
17:22I have no idea
17:23how nice it is
17:24to hear that.
17:26Would you excuse me?
17:28It's time for me
17:29to take one
17:30of my many pills.
17:32Make yourself
17:33at home.
17:34Thank you.
17:35What was that?
18:04Nothing! Nothing, um, I just knocked your ashtray over.
18:09Oh, I hope it wasn't damaged. My grandson made that for me at summer camp.
18:13Oh no, it's intact. Not the tiniest chip.
18:16Oh, good. Set it back on the table. You know how attached you get to family things.
18:23Yes.
18:24Do you have children, Dr. Crane?
18:26Um, well, yes.
18:28Dr. Crane, are you on the floor?
18:32I was just tying my shoelace.
18:35Yes, yes, I have a son. I'd much rather hear about your family.
18:40Well, I got four sons and one daughter.
18:43You wouldn't happen to be single now, by any chance, would you, Dr. Crane?
18:47As a matter of fact, I am.
18:51So is my daughter. I'll tell you about her first.
18:55She's a sweet thing. Beautiful, too.
18:58Just like your mother. Same cheekbones, same nose.
19:07What a lovely nose it is.
19:12So, there are four of us in the raft.
19:17And I see we're heading into a patch of white water.
19:20Suddenly, we slam into a rock.
19:23And the next thing I know, my teeth are flying into the Colorado River.
19:29I damn near dived in after them.
19:32Those teeth cost more than the whole trip.
19:37You've had quite a life, I suppose.
19:40Never got arrested, though.
19:43Oh, good for you.
19:47It wasn't so great.
19:49You know, it was the first time I ever got pulled over and couldn't flirt my way past it.
19:54Oh, that's almost as bad as the first time somebody calls you ma'am.
19:59That happened the other day.
20:02It's been kind of a rough week.
20:05I bet I know just what you're thinking.
20:08This is only the beginning.
20:10It's only gonna get worse from here.
20:13Well, yeah.
20:15Let me tell you something.
20:18I'm 81 now.
20:21And every morning, I open my eyes and I see the sun streaming through the window.
20:28I hear the birds chirping.
20:30I smell the coffee brewing down the hall.
20:34And I walk into the bathroom and I look into the mirror.
20:39And do you know what I say to myself?
20:43What?
20:44Ah!
20:55What the hell is that?
20:57That's the second thing I say.
21:03The point is, it is only gonna get worse from where you are right now.
21:10Well, what did you want me to say?
21:12Life gets better with every passing year.
21:16You wanna hear that?
21:18You go talk to Mrs. Edelman.
21:20You can't miss her.
21:21She's the one in the TV room with the inflatable seahorse around her waist.
21:30Well, you're not making me feel any better, Moira.
21:33It's cause I can't.
21:35Nobody likes to get older.
21:37But it doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself.
21:42I'll tell you a funny story.
21:44Last Thursday, I hacked into the main computer here and changed the schedule.
21:52So now, I get all my sponge baths from Eduardo.
22:03You're kidding me.
22:05Look, you're way too young to be concerned about all this.
22:08Don't waste the best years of your life worrying about something you can't control.
22:13I know. I know you're right.
22:16You know, I wouldn't care about getting older if I thought my mind was gonna be as sharp as yours is.
22:22Sharp?
22:24I'll tell you a funny story.
22:27Last Thursday, I hacked into the main computer here and changed the schedule.
22:33And now, I get all my sponge baths from Eduardo.
22:39The exception of not being able to watch Willie Maine steal second or Michael Jordan on a breakaway dunk.
22:51Not a whole lot I feel like I missed out on.
22:54Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
22:56Listen, have you got any glue around here?
22:59I don't think so. Why?
23:02Well, the onyx has popped out of my cuff link and I was just hoping I might be able to re-affix it.
23:08The closest thing I have is denture adhesive. It's on the dresser.
23:12Oh, well, it's worth a try.
23:16These pills may keep me alive, but they sure don't keep me awake. You find it?
23:22Yes. Yes, you know, I think this just might do the trick.
23:28You know, the worst part about all this is I used to be the kind of person who never got tired.
23:34Well, then, you know, perhaps maybe we should take a brisk walk.
23:38Get that old circulation going.
23:40No, that's okay. It's close to my bedtime anyway.
23:49Seems like you have a visitor, Norman.
23:52Come in.
23:57Come in.
24:00It's probably Mrs. Adelman. She was an Avon lady before she lost her mind.
24:08You know, my goodness, that is a smashing robe.
24:12You know, I'm in the market for one like it myself.
24:14Why don't you stand up? Maybe I can read the label.
24:16Come over here and have a look.
24:20Oh, yeah.
24:21I seem to be sitting on something.
24:23Oh, my cuff link.
24:26All right. You know, here, I'll just, uh, place it back in here carefully.
24:32And, uh...
24:34Huh.
24:36Oh, there we go. Good as new.
24:38Yes, well, uh, Norman, I can't tell you what a nice time it's been spending the day with you.
24:45It was nice of you to drop by.
24:47My pleasure.
24:48How are you over there?
24:50Well, uh, we, uh, I was just having one last look at Helen.
24:54Isn't she beautiful? Such delicate features.
24:58They certainly are.
25:03Well, Norman, uh, it was a real pleasure.
25:08I hope you keep listening to my show.
25:10I sure will.
25:12You're a good man.
25:14Not a lot of people left with your kind of integrity.
25:24Norman.
25:34Norman.
25:36Uh, I have a little compassion to make.
25:39Uh, I didn't...
25:43I didn't drop your ashtray. I dropped the mask.
25:47And the nose broke off.
25:49I feel just terrible.
25:51Oh, that's why you needed my denture adhesive.
25:54Yes.
25:55Well, usually it works pretty well.
25:57I must have dropped that mask ten times.
26:02I am blind, you know.
26:09Certainly is a relief to hear that.
26:11Well, you know, I'd better get out of here before I do any further damage.
26:15Uh, it was great meeting you.
26:19Would you like me to leave the light on or off?
26:21Surprise me.
26:31Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.
26:34Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:38Oh, my.
26:40And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:43Well, maybe.
26:44But I got you pegged.
26:46Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:48But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:55They're calling again.
26:58Are you?