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Short filmTranscript
00:00Transvestism in Britain is as popular today as it has always been.
00:05I myself am currently wearing a lovely dress that used to belong to my father.
00:12Well, mate, you're in a skirt.
00:15Yes.
00:16Don't give me a push, could you?
00:18But I'm a lady.
00:19Please.
00:20Ladies don't push.
00:22Ah, go on, pal.
00:23All right, then. A little lady's push.
00:31Couldn't push a bit harder, could you?
00:33It sounds like you've flooded the engine.
00:35Oh, no, have I?
00:37Being a lady, I wouldn't really know,
00:39but it sounds like you've had the choke out too long.
00:41Really?
00:42Oui, oui.
00:47Oh, yeah.
00:48You've got a forward connection with your starter motor.
00:53Try it now.
00:57Thanks.
00:58This was all mine.
01:00You certainly know your stuff.
01:02I grew up with three brothers, so I suppose I am a bit of a tomboy.
01:07Yeah, I get you.
01:14It's 20 to Toby, and we're in Wales,
01:17which is apparently part of Britain.
01:20Absolutely fascinating.
01:22It says in here, Boy George is a gay.
01:26Can I have another Bacardi and Coke, please, ma'am?
01:28Is it all right if Miss Fitzwilliam serves you?
01:30Only I'm leaving now.
01:31Oh, yes, well, who wouldn't?
01:33Well, I got a date, see?
01:36Ooh!
01:38Ooh, a date.
01:39I'd love to go on a date, but I can't,
01:41as I'm the only gay in the village.
01:43Yes, of course you are.
01:45Right, I'll see you tomorrow.
01:47So, who's the lucky fella?
01:48I don't want to miss my bus.
01:49No, come on, who is he?
01:51Well, I wasn't planning on telling you tonight,
01:54but I suppose you may as well know.
01:56I'm actually going on a date with another woman.
01:59Oh, you see girls' night out, is it?
02:02Look, David, I'll make no bones about it.
02:05I've actually been seeing this girl for a while now.
02:08What?
02:10I suppose I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that
02:13I am a lesbian.
02:15Ta-da.
02:16Hang on just a minute.
02:18What?
02:19You are not a gay.
02:20I am?
02:21No, I ain't a gay in this village.
02:23Well, I'm gay too. Bye.
02:25Well, let's just talk about this.
02:27Can we do it later? Only Rhiannon's waiting for me.
02:30Rhiannon? Rhiannon?
02:32And how far have you gone with this Rhiannon?
02:35Just a bit of fanny fun.
02:39Can I have a large brandy, please, Miss Fitzwilliams?
02:42Look, David, I've got to go.
02:44Only Rhiannon's minge is going to get cold.
02:49There you go, David.
02:51Oh, thank you.
02:52So, did you have any idea Mifunwe is a gay?
02:55Not until she joined my lesbian pottery class, no.
03:01When it comes to getting ready to go out,
03:03women in Britain take on average six months longer than men.
03:07At this house in Quimby, woman Helen is finally ready.
03:11She's just going off.
03:12Come on, Helen, we're going to be late.
03:14It's all right, the babysitter's not even here yet.
03:16Is it Saskia again?
03:17No, no, she wasn't available. The agency's sending somebody else.
03:20Are these shoes all right with this dress?
03:21Yes, I told you they're fine.
03:23Oh, at last.
03:29Are you the babysitter?
03:30Babysitter, yes.
03:33Have you done this before?
03:34Yes, I see the baby real good.
03:38Bring her in.
03:43Hello.
03:44Hello, I'm Peter.
03:45Ah, Pietka, that was my mother's name.
03:51And you've met my wife, Helen?
03:54Ah, Helen! That was not my mother's name.
03:58Actually, darling, I'm not really feeling very well.
04:00Oh, come on, this is important.
04:01Everyone from the office is going to be...
04:03Important office, eh?
04:05All right.
04:07Harvey's over here, he's fine at the moment,
04:09but any problems, now mobile numbers are on the table, so...
04:13I will make sure nothing happens to your baby.
04:15I swear on your life.
04:18If anybody tries to hurt him...
04:22Well, we shouldn't be too long.
04:26It's nothing. You go, you go, enjoy!
04:35Hello?
04:38Hello?
04:39Your baby is fine.
04:40Thank you.
04:41If anything happens to your baby, I will phone you immediately.
04:44Thank you.
04:46Hello?
04:49Hello?
04:50Your baby is fine.
04:57Back at one of her old schools,
04:59reformed character Vicky Pollard
05:01has been asked to give a speech to her old classmates.
05:04OK, gang, now for today's general studies,
05:07I've invited someone along who used to be a pupil at this school.
05:11Her name is Vicky Pollard, some of you may remember her.
05:16I said sorry.
05:19I'm sure Vicky won't mind me saying that she used to be a bit of a tearaway.
05:23She got caught shoplifting, was sent to a young offenders' institution,
05:27became pregnant at 14 and had the baby taken into care,
05:31but she's turned her life around.
05:34She's now got a job at Boots, a small flat,
05:37and is taking a part-time course in...
05:40Reading.
05:41Reading.
05:42And she's here today to tell us all a little bit about her experiences.
05:46So, um, all right.
05:48Over to you, Vicky.
05:50Shut up.
05:51I ain't done nothing.
05:54And if anyone says I did, they get beatens.
06:04Right, thanks.
06:05Um...
06:06Anybody have any questions they want to ask?
06:08Yeah, Jordan.
06:09Yeah.
06:10What do you nick?
06:11Shut up!
06:12I never nick nothing apart from one thing, like, one ever thing,
06:14and, like, a few ever things.
06:15But apart from that, I never nick nothing.
06:16Have you been speaking to Wayne Duggan?
06:17Because let me tell you about Wayne Duggan, right?
06:18Wayne Duggan bunked off P.E. and went into the locker room
06:20and took a slash all over Elliot Nathan's brand-new Adidas bag.
06:23And now Elliot Nathan is going to tell the whole year now
06:25that Wayne Duggan sniffs high-lighter brands.
06:28OK, uh...
06:29Let's have another one.
06:30Um...
06:31Harmony.
06:32Have you got a criminal record?
06:34Yeah, but he's just lying about that.
06:35Because new me's sure.
06:36Well, she reckons her dad killed this man,
06:37but he just lied and said he never,
06:38and now he's got this really good job
06:39putting the jam in Jammie Dodgers.
06:41OK, um...
06:42One more.
06:43Yeah, Dean?
06:44What's Borstow like?
06:45Oh, my God, it's H2, brilliant!
06:47It's so much better than school
06:48because there's no lessons or homework or nothing,
06:50and, like, there's people getting beaten up,
06:51and once this really funny thing happened
06:52because this girl got locked in the fridge and nearly died.
06:55OK, thanks a lot, Vicky.
06:56There's a lot for us to think about there
06:58and how we can apply it all to our own lives.
07:01Um...
07:02Oh, sorry, Kelly, did you have a question?
07:03Did you get that Tommy I asked you for?
07:09Anyone else wants anything, they can just let me know.
07:12OK, thanks a lot, Vicky.
07:14Right.
07:15Go.
07:16Go.
07:18Your baby.
07:19Huh?
07:20Oh, sorry, you can keep it.
07:21I've got loads more at home anyway.
07:26Bonfires in Britain are a great way
07:28of getting rid of those old things lying around
07:30that you don't need anymore.
07:31Only last week, I found an old bonfire I never use
07:34and put that on the bonfire.
07:37Right.
07:38This is the last of the boxes.
07:39Now, are you sure you want all this stuff burned?
07:42Yeah.
07:43Got all your old books and your games in here.
07:46You sure you don't want them?
07:47Yeah.
07:48You want it all put on the fire?
07:49Yeah, burn it off.
07:50Yeah.
07:51Because once I burn it, you can't have it back.
07:53You do know that.
07:54Yeah, I know.
07:56You want it all burned.
07:57Yeah.
08:06I want my stuff back.
08:16So, my little friend, what shall we do?
08:19Oh!
08:39Hush!
08:41Baby's sleeping.
08:42Oh, how has he been?
08:44He's very hungry.
08:46Right, what did you give him?
08:47Meat.
08:48What kind of meat?
08:49Good meat.
08:50Did you give him any milk?
08:52Yes, he's a very thirsty baby.
08:54Oh.
08:55There was some milk in the fridge.
08:56Did you find that all right?
08:57No, I used my own.
09:02Right.
09:03Did you have to change him?
09:06No, he's the same baby.
09:10Right, well, we were gone, what, about three hours?
09:13So, it's 15 pounds a kid.
09:16Thank you, thank you, 15 pounds!
09:19Where I come from, you have to babysit three hours to earn 15 pounds.
09:23I will send it home to my mother.
09:25Oh, that's good.
09:26It is not good.
09:28She's dead.
09:29Oh.
09:31Well, it's getting rather late.
09:33I imagine you'll want to be getting back.
09:35Yes.
09:36If ever you need a babysitter and Boris is not available,
09:39please remember, I have brother, Yosef.
09:42Oh, yes.
09:44He is a very bad man.
09:47But he wants to be good in his heart.
09:50Well, we'll bear that in mind.
09:52Remember him.
09:53We will, we will.
10:03Hello, Harvey.
10:05Oh, I think he's going to say something.
10:08Comrade Stalin salutes you.
10:12At Kelsey Grammar School in Flange, it is break time.
10:23Sit.
10:26Yesterday's test did not make for happy reading.
10:29Mitra, the answer to question two was Golden Wonder, not K.P.
10:34Phillips, how many times do you need to be told?
10:37Red for ready salted, blue for salt and vinegar.
10:41Patel, the two variables on the graph were pickled onion and prawn cocktail.
10:47Wilson, you could have had Cheese and Owen or Smokey Beckham.
10:51There is no such flavour as prawn collimore.
10:58Pepper Thesson, oh, please note Monster Munch's maize base.
11:01This was all covered in the first term.
11:04I put maize.
11:06Brazzles, Denton, not quavers.
11:08They look like rashers for Pete's sake.
11:10The clue is in the bag.
11:12Ness, you got 95%. Well done.
11:14I particularly enjoyed your diagram of a watsit.
11:19Irving, number five, was Oxbow Lakes, otherwise good.
11:23Where is Irving?
11:24He's having his tonsils out, sir.
11:31And finally, Palfrey, best of four.
11:34Seabed salt pack.
11:41Weather-wise, the best time to visit Scotland is Tuesday the 12th of June, around 2.30.
11:49Mr. McCooney, you have tax payments overdue of nearly £24,000.
11:53Can you give us a cheque today?
11:55Maybe I can and maybe I can't.
12:03Please, we've had all of this last year, Mr. McCooney.
12:06You've got to take this seriously.
12:07Yes.
12:10Can you give us the cheque today?
12:19That's not the answer I'm looking for.
12:30You'd help yourself a lot more, Mr. McCooney, if you started giving us some straight answers.
12:33Your form here is incomplete.
12:35Gross income, yes. Net income, yes.
12:38No, it's not yes, it's yes.
12:42You can't just put down yes. You do know that, don't you?
12:45Yes.
12:46So, can you give us some payment today?
12:49What if I were to offer you six magic beans?
12:55Probably wouldn't be interested.
12:58Seven magic beans.
13:00Nope.
13:01How about a talking noisy box?
13:05Inside, there are tiny sprites that are talking to you.
13:08But they cannae hear you, mind, unless they're doing a phone-in.
13:11No.
13:14You want the piccolillo, don't you?
13:18You'll never take it, never.
13:20Go, have it, have it and be gone.
13:23I'll tell you what, Mr. McCooney.
13:25Why don't you pick up your quill?
13:27Yes.
13:28And your magic money paper.
13:30Oh, yes.
13:31Put your mark upon it.
13:33Yes.
13:34And we'll do the rest.
13:36Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
13:37Good day.
13:38Fare thee well, keepers of the purse.
13:45Shit.
13:47Country house, blah, blah, blah.
13:49Novelist, blah, blah, blah.
13:51Cue the Rude Turp you're in.
13:55Make sure you get down every word of this misgrace.
13:58Er, there's a towel back stretching another hole,
14:01so avoid like a plague.
14:03The door of the tunnel, jam, jam, jam.
14:05Said James.
14:09That's gonna be hard.
14:10In the meantime, remember this.
14:24Said Lady Asquith.
14:27It's all change at the community centre.
14:30One group has finished their weekly meeting,
14:32whilst another is just beginning.
14:34Fat Fighters meets once a week.
14:36Those in attendance have managed to steal themselves away from eating
14:39for just an hour to talk about food.
14:42The gritty fuckers.
14:44Or just some low-fat cottage cheese if you're a veggie lesbian.
14:47Now, before we go any further,
14:49I want to introduce you to a new face.
14:53She's a new face.
14:54She is, in fact, from Fat Fighters' head office.
14:57Now, her name is Mrs Harrison.
14:59Mrs Harrison has come here today
15:01to check that I'm running the meetings OK,
15:03so you can all tell her how brilliant I am.
15:06What happened? Did someone make a complaint?
15:08It could be one complaint. It could be a series of complaints.
15:11Right.
15:12Who was it? Was it him?
15:14You can't say. You can't say.
15:16Was it, er, was it written in Indian?
15:18You can't say.
15:21Bastards.
15:23OK, let's start with the weighing.
15:26Er, Paul, would you like to...?
15:28Excuse me, Marjorie?
15:30Yes, Mrs Harrison?
15:31Haven't you forgotten something?
15:32The course leader weighs themselves first.
15:34Oh, no, that's OK, Mrs Harrison.
15:35I'll weigh myself at home to save time.
15:37Age don't matter.
15:45Er, what?
15:47Right. Oh, this. Oh, sorry.
15:49Right. I'm sorry, I wasn't sure.
15:51What do I get out of doing it?
15:55You were 14 stone and 4 pounds.
15:58Oh, I was big, wasn't I?
16:00You are...
16:05..15 stone and 11 pounds.
16:10Oh.
16:12You don't allow us to take shoes off.
16:14Yes, thank you, Mary.
16:16I don't know how you do things in India, but over here...
16:22..15 stone 10.
16:25See? It's dropping.
16:27Dropping.
16:29This jacket's very, very heavy.
16:31I don't need these.
16:4415 stone 8 and a half.
16:46Oh, this has got a lot of underwiring.
16:48Marjorie, I think we've seen enough.
16:50Yeah.
16:53Marjorie, this isn't easy for me to say,
16:55but because you've put on so much weight,
16:57I'm afraid I have no option but to suspend you for a while.
17:00You what?
17:01Just until you've lost some of the weight.
17:03It really doesn't set a good example.
17:05Look who's talking. You're no spring onion yourself.
17:07Marjorie, we'll discuss this later.
17:09No, let's have it out now.
17:11Marjorie, you're making an exhibition of yourself.
17:13Oh, am I, really?
17:15Well, you can take your fat virus and you can shove it up your fat arse.
17:18Marjorie, screw you!
17:48BELL RINGS
18:01When I'm old, I hope I have the good manners
18:03to throw myself out of the window.
18:05But some people are selfish and go on living.
18:07Like this old bitch.
18:18LAUGHTER
18:22Oh, hello, Jason.
18:24Gary not with you?
18:26No, I don't see so much of Gary these days.
18:29Oh, that's a shame.
18:31Oh, come in.
18:35I, er, brought you some things.
18:38Oh, thank you.
18:40Hmm.
18:42Hmm.
18:46Ooh.
18:48Ooh, I like this.
18:50Nice.
18:52I like this.
18:54What's this?
18:56Nine and a half weeks.
18:58Hmm.
19:00Oh, yeah.
19:04Oh.
19:06I, I can't have jelly.
19:08I'm diabetic.
19:10This bag will come in useful.
19:13Why don't you, er, open the ice cream now?
19:16It's, er, fun to share.
19:18Not for me, thanks, love.
19:20I've just had a nectarine.
19:22But you have some.
19:24BELL RINGS
19:26Oh, that'll be Winnie.
19:28I won't be a mole.
19:30Oh, great.
19:32I've got somebody with me.
19:34He's a lovely boy.
19:36He's a friend of Gary's.
19:38Winnie, this is Jason.
19:41Hello, love.
19:44Hello, love.
19:46Can you see the family resemblance?
19:48Yeah.
19:50You never told me you had an...
19:52older sister.
19:54Lovely to see you, dear.
20:02What's your sandwich, Jason?
20:07Chinese food has been so popular in Britain,
20:11it has been exported as far afield as China.
20:16They repeated it last night. It was very funny.
20:19Molly came in, she shook her brolly and said her pussy had got all wet in the rain.
20:23Really?
20:25It's funny, cos it rained at her wedding and my bridesmaid outfit got soaked.
20:28Everybody.
20:32This duck's very fatty.
20:34Do you think I should send it back?
20:36Yes.
20:38Oh, my word. You'll never guess who's just walked in.
20:41Who?
20:43Molly Sugden.
20:45Don't be silly, Clive.
20:47Yeah, that's definitely her.
20:49Say hello.
20:51No, Clive, she doesn't want to be bothered.
20:53I'm not talking about you and Bridesmaid at her wedding.
20:55Of course she'll want to be bothered.
20:57No, Clive, no.
20:59Let's go somewhere else. I don't like it here.
21:01Have you seen who's just come in? Your friend, Molly Sugden.
21:06Oh, come on. You haven't seen her for years. I'll bring her over.
21:08Clive!
21:10Excuse me. Mrs Sugden?
21:12Yes?
21:14I'm so sorry to bother you.
21:16I just thought you might like to know that I'm here today with my wife Liz,
21:18who used to be Liz Bendall.
21:20Sorry?
21:22Liz Bendall. She was the bridesmaid at your wedding.
21:24I don't know anyone called Liz.
21:27My friend Helen was the only bridesmaid at my wedding.
21:31Oh.
21:38Inside 10 Downing Street,
21:40the Prime Minister is having an urgent meeting
21:42with his Italian counterpart.
21:44I actually lived in Italy for a few years
21:46while I was Pope.
21:49And, Prime Minister,
21:51I believe that
21:53there's a very special bond between our two nations.
21:56It can only grow stronger in this difficult time.
22:01As you know, this evening I will be having talks
22:03with the President of France,
22:05whom I believe...
22:07Hiya!
22:09Sebastian,
22:11I'm in a very important meeting.
22:13Can I wait?
22:15No, Prime Minister, you can't!
22:17What's all this about you flying off to China tomorrow?
22:19We're supposed to be having a meeting!
22:21It's a matter of grave international importance,
22:23and I'm afraid the meeting about your agricultural report
22:26will have to wait.
22:28I had my hair done and everything!
22:33Sebastian,
22:35Sebastian, please.
22:37You just use me when you want, Michael,
22:39then you just throw me away!
22:43Can you please
22:45stop translating this?
22:49Thank you.
22:54Come here.
22:56Don't touch me!
22:58Do it without the hysterics.
23:00Oh, I make you hysterical, am I?
23:02Shush!
23:04No, I'm not going to shush.
23:06I think Prime Minister Coluccio should know what you're really like.
23:08The meeting tomorrow is off.
23:10Oh, well, I've got other plans now anyway.
23:12Oh, have you?
23:14Yeah, the leader of the opposition has invited me round for tea,
23:16so just think about that when you're on your little plane tomorrow.
23:18Bye, Sebastian.
23:20Whatever.
23:22Ciao!
23:24Get out!
23:29Sorry about that.
23:37What did he say?
23:39Oh, the Prime Minister say,
23:41if you love him, go after him.
23:47At this really supermarket in Herbie,
23:49Phil is taking Andy on his weekly shop.
23:51Now,
23:53which soup do you want for your tea?
23:55That one.
23:57That one?
23:59But that's whole sweet red peppers.
24:01Yeah, I know.
24:03Well, I'll get you some creamy tomato.
24:05You like creamy tomato, don't you?
24:09Here.
24:11What are you doing?
24:13Nothing.
24:15It's very wrong to steal. You do know that, don't you?
24:17Well, put that back then.
24:21I am very disappointed in you, Andy Pipkin.
24:23I don't ever want to see you do anything like that ever again.
24:25Do you hear?
24:27Sorry.
24:29Right.
24:31Now, we're all out of beans.
24:33Now, I could get you the normal ones,
24:35or the ones with a little chip of lard in them.
24:37Ooh.
24:39They're doing a special offer on Alphabetti Spaghetti.
24:47Andy?
24:51Andy?
24:53Andy?
24:57What's the record?
24:59Uh, 16.
25:01You haven't got any more seats.
25:03There's probably room for one more small one.
25:05Oh, yeah.
25:11I need it.
25:13No, it's no use.
25:15I've got to get out.
25:17Come on.