Little Britain S01 E05 - Most Cigarettes in a Mouth
Transcript
00:00Here we are in the charming Welsh village of Llanddewi Breddi,
00:04home of the committed homosexualist Davyth Thomas.
00:08It is a sin.
00:11Morning, Daffydd. Good morning, Miss Davies.
00:14Now, I just had a phone call from Ruth.
00:16She got terrible morning sickness and she's not coming in today.
00:20Oh! So I'm going to put you with the new boy, Ifan.
00:24Ifan! Your ten o'clock's here.
00:27Do you know, I think Ifan might be a gay.
00:30I think that's very unlikely. I am the only gay in the village.
00:34Hiya! I'm Ifan, but all me friends call me Fanny.
00:39Follow me.
00:41Quiet.
00:43Too early to tell.
00:46Come along now. Take the weight off your lollies.
00:49A nice big skirt around you.
00:52Now, what can we do for you?
00:55A nice wash and blow. Would you like that? A blow?
00:59Just a light trim, please.
01:01There you are. So, do you go out much?
01:04Not really. Is there much of a scene?
01:06I beg your pardon? A scene, dear. A gay scene.
01:09You know, cocks and frocks.
01:11No, there is no gay scene in Llanddewi Breddi. Just me.
01:15Really? Yes. I am the only gay in the village.
01:18Not any more, dear. Fanny's in town.
01:21There you are, loves.
01:24No signs.
01:26Fanny, love.
01:28Forgot your keys.
01:30Thanks. I am a dizzy cow.
01:33Right. Ginton Brackett need walk, so I'll see you later.
01:41His brother.
01:44At St. Buddha's Hospital in Foulmouth,
01:46rupee transvestite Emily Howard is waiting to have an X-ray taken.
01:50Right. Sorry to keep you. So, Emily Howard.
01:53Emily Howard? I'm a lady, Emily Howard, yes.
01:57Right. What happened?
01:59Well, I was disembarking a motor coach when I took a tumble.
02:03You fell off the bus? Quite.
02:05Right. Well, I'm going to need to do an X-ray of the whole leg,
02:08so if you'd just like to place this over your testicles.
02:11Doctor, you do amuse.
02:13No, it's not a joke. It's got a sheet of lead in it.
02:16It deflects the radiation.
02:18But I'm a lady. I don't have testicle.
02:22Well, perhaps little lady's testicle.
02:26Might this do for me instead?
02:29No, sir.
02:31Or this?
02:34Surely I...
02:36I'm sorry. You do need to use this.
02:39Well, do you mind if I brighten it up a little with some applique and décollage?
02:43Yes, I could sew some lace around the edges.
02:47I really don't have time for this, Mr Howard.
02:49But I'm a lady.
02:51Well, I can't give you the X-ray without it.
02:53Well, do you know, I think I'm feeling rather better, yes.
02:56I don't think I need an X-ray at all, yes.
02:59Ah! Shit!
03:03This is a pub.
03:05As we all know, the word pub is an acronym for Philip's Uncle's Boat.
03:12Right.
03:14We'd better get you home, wouldn't we?
03:16I know.
03:18Do you need to use the toilet before we go?
03:20No.
03:22Are you sure?
03:23Yeah.
03:24Because once I've got you in the van, you won't be able to do toilet till we're back home.
03:27Yeah, I know.
03:29Because if I have to stop on the way and get you out of the van, that's a rocker, Popple.
03:32I know.
03:34Are you sure you don't need the toilet?
03:36Yeah.
03:45I need to go to the toilet.
03:51Following the success of video libraries, book libraries like this one have sprung up everywhere.
04:01One of the things we encourage our patients to do is take a Saturday job.
04:05It gives them a sense of purpose and also a small income.
04:08Now, I've brought you here today because Anne, who you may have met, is working here.
04:12Eh, eh, eh.
04:14Hello, Anne.
04:19Thank you. And how are you today?
04:22Yeah.
04:28As you can see, she blends in very well.
04:32British justice is the best in the world.
04:35Anyone who disagrees is either a gay, a woman or a men.
04:40Vicky Pollard, you have been charged with shoplifting.
04:44On the 11th of April, it is alleged you went into the Erkskin branch of Superdrug.
04:49Once there, you attempted to steal an eyeliner pencil and a can of Red Bull by concealing them in your leggings.
04:59Now, in the face of the overwhelming evidence we've heard today against you, do you stand by your plea of not guilty?
05:05No, but, yeah, but, no, because what happened was right.
05:07It was this thing that happened that you don't even know nothing about.
05:09Shit, I bet we weren't even supposed to be anywhere even near them.
05:11Then Meredith came over and started stirring it all up.
05:13Started calling me all these things about this thing that I didn't even know about.
05:18Right, but you admit you were in Superdrug at the time.
05:21No, but, yeah, but, no, because there was this whole other thing that I didn't even know about.
05:24And Meredith says it weren't a thing, but it was, so don't listen to her, because she's a complete slag.
05:28Sorry, Meredith. Who is Meredith?
05:30She's the one who done that thing about the thing that she gives you sweets don't eat them because she's dirty.
05:34Thing? What thing?
05:36Yeah, I know. And anyway, there was this whole other thing that I didn't even know about or something or nothing.
05:40There was a little bit you tell Wayne Duggan that Jermaine fingered Carly round the back of the ice rink.
05:44What?
05:45I was supposed to be doing home ec, but I wasn't, right? I was on the phone to Jules.
05:47But anyway, don't listen to her because she had a baby and didn't tell anyone.
05:51Vicky, were you in Superdrug at the time?
05:53No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, because I wasn't even with Amber.
05:58Amber? Who's Amber?
05:59Yeah, exactly. I wasn't even with her in any way. I didn't even know who she is, so you better ask her.
06:03Vicky, I don't think you realise the gravity of the situation.
06:05No, but, no, but, I'm trying to think, right?
06:07If you found Jules the other day...
06:08No, you definitely can't say that, right?
06:09You'll have a criminal record.
06:10No, I'm going to attack her so I don't have to go into lesson.
06:12This is a court of law. Are you going to keep interrupting me?
06:14No, no, no, no, no, I'm not. I'm going to let you speak.
06:19Now, we've heard from the social...
06:20Oh, my God, right, there was this whole other thing I completely forgot to tell you about.
06:23You know Krieg? Well, he fell up Amy on the court score at Alton Towers and her mum totally had an epi,
06:27but then Dean went on to Mary Rose and was sick on Louise Farran's head.
06:31It's Hillary o'clock and Matthew Waterhouse is looking for work at his local Kissagram agency.
06:36I want to be a Kissagram!
06:37Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
06:39We're minicabs, mate. Kissgram's next door.
06:44I want to be a Kissagram!
06:45Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
06:47We're lovely. We're always looking for people.
06:53Here's one for you. George Bernard Shore-agram.
06:57I come in, take me beard off and recite a play. How about that for starters?
07:03Got another one.
07:06John McCarthy-agram.
07:08What happens there?
07:09I come in, handcuff to a radiator and discuss my five years as a hostage in the Lebanon.
07:14I don't think there's any market for...
07:16Got another one.
07:17Nurse-agram.
07:18Ah, well, you see, that's more like it.
07:20Yeah, I come in, sing Happy Birthday and administer a local anaesthetic.
07:25Look, I don't think there's any point in you thinking...
07:26Sue-agram.
07:27What's that?
07:28I come in, bear with me.
07:32Well?
07:33I just told you, I come in, there's a bear with me.
07:34Sorry.
07:36Got another one.
07:37Ian-agram.
07:38I come in and pretend my name is Ian.
07:39Hello, my name is Ian, etc.
07:41Please leave.
07:42Man-agram.
07:43I'm a man.
07:44Get out.
07:45Invisible Man-agram.
07:46I come in and I'm invisible!
07:48Oooooh...
07:49Was I invisible then?
07:53No.
07:54You sure?
07:55Quite sure.
07:56Now please, I'm a very busy woman.
07:57A very busy woman-o-gram.
07:58So, could you leave the room?
08:01Leaving the room-o-gram.
08:02That's right, now open the door.
08:03Opening the door-o-gram.
08:04Walk out.
08:05Walking out the door-o-gram.
08:06And close the door.
08:07Closing the door-o-gram.
08:08Open up the door, Graham.
08:09And close the door.
08:11Closing the door, Graham.
08:15Waiting outside the door, Graham.
08:20Hello, I'd like a minicab, please.
08:22No, that's next door.
08:23Thank you.
08:29Alright!
08:34Over in Flange at the Kelsey Grammar School...
08:37So, Edward II divided by Henry V equals...
08:43Anybody?
08:45No?
08:47Equals hydrogen peroxide.
08:51Question six, determine the square root of Popeye.
08:59Sandra Patterson is so keen for her son to do well in the world of show business
09:03that her hair is coming out in clumps.
09:06And off you go.
09:07They're fruity and delicious.
09:09They're fruit-alicious.
09:11Lovely. OK, thanks very much.
09:13Er, Rafe.
09:14Are we rocking? Have we got the gig?
09:16Er, we'll let you know.
09:18He does a great Otis the Aardvark. Do you know Otis the Aardvark?
09:20Mum?
09:21Yeah, we've just got a few more people to see, so...
09:23Have you ever seen the snowman? You know, the cartoon?
09:25He does that. Go on, go on. It'll break your bleeding heart. Go on, do it.
09:28We're walking in the...
09:30To them, to them.
09:32Unfortunately, we are up against you today.
09:34It's better with his pyjamas on. Come on.
09:36Mum?
09:37We don't really have time, you see.
09:40It's his birthday today.
09:41No, it isn't.
09:42Please.
09:43He's dying.
09:44What?
09:45Look a dying boy in the eye and say no.
09:47Well, if you must know, it's a no.
09:48What?
09:49Well, it's only personal. We're just looking for something a bit different.
09:51We can change him. We can have something done.
09:55Look, he's a real talent. I'm sure he's going to do really well.
09:58I'll tell him.
09:59I'm sure he's going to do really well.
10:01I'll tell him you touched him.
10:02Get out.
10:03Come on, Mummy. We know when we're not wanted.
10:11Don't ever do that again!
10:14Watch this.
10:16Hello, Anne. I'd like to take this book out, please.
10:30Hello?
10:31Sorry, guys.
10:32Yeah, I'm just in the library at the moment. Can I call you back?
10:35OK.
10:36Eh, eh, eh.
10:39Can you tell me when the Oliver Sacks biography is back in?
10:47Eh, eh, eh.
10:48Thank you.
10:59The health service in Britain is thriving, with three doctors to every one patient.
11:04Today, Marjorie Dawes has gone to see her mother.
11:07Now, I've been on to the doctor, and he says you've definitely got to go into a home.
11:11I don't want to go into a home. I just had a fall.
11:15Morning.
11:16Morning.
11:17How are we today?
11:18Fine, Doctor.
11:19Look, it's Dr Harman, Mum.
11:20And how is the good doctor today, Dr Harman?
11:23Quite well. Just a little bit bunged up.
11:25Bunged up?
11:26Yeah.
11:27Well, let me know if you want someone to look after you, Dr Harman.
11:31We've got the results here. It's good news.
11:34There's no internal haemorrhaging, so you can go home tomorrow.
11:37Good.
11:38Don't you think she'd be better off in a home, Doctor?
11:40Home. Yeah, yeah. Home. Yeah, yeah. Put you in a home. Yeah.
11:46No, we've done all the tests, and she's perfectly capable of looking after herself.
11:49No, Doctor. She doesn't know what day it is.
11:51Mum, what day is it?
11:53It's Tuesday.
11:54Well, there you go. It is Tuesday.
11:55Yeah, she thinks it's last Tuesday.
11:57Who's the Prime Minister of Belgium?
12:00Well, I don't know.
12:01See what we have to put up with.
12:03Mum, what's this?
12:06It's your nose.
12:07No, it's my finger.
12:09See, Doctor, she doesn't know if she's coming or going.
12:12Mrs Dawes.
12:13Call me Marjorie.
12:14Marjorie, we only put people in homes when they're incapable of looking after themselves.
12:18Well, what if her flat was attacked by a pack of wolves?
12:21No, I'm sorry, Doctor. She's very vulnerable.
12:23Well, I'm sorry, I'm not going to recommend further care because she simply doesn't need it.
12:26Good day.
12:27Bye, Doctor. Get well soon.
12:30Oh, he's such a flirt.
12:32Now, what are we going to do with you?
12:35You can't come and live with me, you know.
12:37I don't bloody want to. I want to go back to me own flat.
12:40But I'm renting it out now.
12:42Who to?
12:43Some guys.
12:45Now, I've been on to social services, and they found you a very nice place just an hour down the road.
12:50Well, maybe I could go and live with Barbara.
12:52Mum, Barbara hates you.
12:54That's why I think you should cut her out of the will, but we've been through that.
12:57Now, I'm coming back tomorrow. Is there anything you'd like me to bring you?
13:00My dressing gown.
13:01No, I've taken that to Oxfam.
13:03Well, I was half way through that, Maeve, didn't she?
13:06Well, I'm reading that now.
13:08Oh.
13:09Well, how about my jewellery?
13:11Well, I'll see you tomorrow then, Mum.
13:14Cheerio.
13:17Oh, she's a burden.
13:21The fortunes of ex-children's entertainer Des Kay have taken a tumble recently.
13:26To make ends meet, he has been forced to take a job at DIY Universe in the northern town of Little Tokyo.
13:39Er, what's this now?
13:42Nothing.
13:43I won't tell you again. You're not on telly anymore.
13:47Now, take those down and get on with your work.
13:51Excuse me, do you know where the masking tape is?
13:52Oh, this man will help you.
13:54Excuse me, do you know where the masking tape is?
13:56Oh, Wicky Woo, Des Kay, pleased to meet you.
13:58Oh, can I have me hand back, please?
14:00Yeah, do you know where the masking tape is?
14:02No, I don't, but I've got a friend who does.
14:07Say hello to Mr...
14:09Crocodile!
14:11Top of the morning! Where's me breakfast?
14:13Never mind about your breakfast.
14:15This young lad here wants to know where the masking tape is.
14:18But I'm hungry. I want my breakfast.
14:20Oh, I'm so sorry about this.
14:25Des! I'm just helping a customer.
14:36We let Anne make her own way home.
14:38She's earned five pounds today.
14:40That's her money, and she can spend that anywhere she wants.
14:46See you later, Anne.
14:51At TV Centre, the BBC continues to fulfil its charter
14:55to educate, entertain, inform and provide work for Patrick Cutie.
15:02Peter, I've got a tape of last night's news here.
15:04I wasn't happy with it.
15:06Really?
15:07Let's have a look, shall we?
15:10We'll have more on that later.
15:12Now we go over to our royal correspondent, Peter Andre.
15:15Thank you, Raewyn.
15:17I'm standing here outside Highgrove Church,
15:20where earlier today the royals were attending their traditional Easter Sunday service.
15:25Textbook.
15:26Prince Charles there, he has magical powers.
15:29Prince Edward, sadly, without his beautiful wife, Griffith Jones.
15:33Prince Andrew there with the very young Sarah Ferguson.
15:36I've met him loads of times, he's really nice, I really like him.
15:39Hi, Andrew! Andrew!
15:42The Queen there, she's the main one.
15:45And light of my life, Princess Royal Anne.
15:49Oh, Anne, sweet Anne.
15:52I love you, Anne, and I want you, Anne.
15:55Please pull me, Anne, I'll push you, Anne.
15:58Please hurt me, Anne, and bite me, Anne,
16:00cos I want you, Anne, in the morning.
16:04Back to the studio.
16:07Erm, Peter, on...
16:09Problem?
16:12LAUGHTER
16:15It's ten minutes since Andy last ate and his stomach's already rumbling.
16:19Right, just gonna go and pick up Maria.
16:22Is there anything you need me to do before I go?
16:25Yeah, I want a chocolate.
16:28I bought these chocolates when Maria comes round.
16:31Want a chocolate?
16:33All right, you can have one.
16:35There.
16:38Which one do you want?
16:39That one.
16:40That one?
16:41Yeah.
16:43Well, that's dark chocolate.
16:44Yeah, I know.
16:45Well, you don't like dark chocolate.
16:47I know.
16:49You always said dark chocolate has a bitter edge to it
16:51and lacks the oral ecstasy of its milkier cousin.
16:54Yeah, I know.
16:56Well, why don't you have the caramel tub, then?
16:59You like the caramel tub, it's caramel.
17:01I don't like one.
17:03Well, I'll have it back on the shelf.
17:05Yeah.
17:06I don't like it.
17:08I did warn you.
17:10Have another one, just to take the taste away.
17:12No, you can have another one when Maria gets here
17:15and not before.
17:16See you later.
17:37Everyone in Britain loves the opera.
17:40Go to any bus stop or factory floor
17:42and all you hear is Don Giovanni this, Rigoletto that.
17:54Charles?
17:56Charles?
17:57What's the matter?
17:58Charles?
17:59Charles?
18:00Make way, Sir Tom's.
18:01Make way, coming through.
18:02Make way, Sir Tom's.
18:03Make way, Sir Tom's.
18:04Make way, Sir Tom's.
18:05Make way, Sir Tom's.
18:06Make way, coming through.
18:08He's quite stout.
18:09Don't worry, he's in safe hands now.
18:11Now, are you going to old 9999?
18:13I wasn't expecting this from your first day.
18:15Come on now, Neville.
18:16What do we do, what do we do?
18:18Er, check his pulse.
18:19He's not going to do much good, is he?
18:20Er, put him in the recovery position.
18:22He might be having a heart attack.
18:23Er, I don't know.
18:24Give him a polo.
18:26What?
18:28Mint with a heart.
18:29Doesn't read the manual.
18:30There's no time for that, there's a man dying here.
18:32Well, does it seem to be doing anything?
18:34Well, it can't be his heart then.
18:36Maybe it's a blood clot.
18:38Blood clot, blood clot.
18:39Let's see.
18:40Got it.
18:41Tic-tac.
18:42Er, just checking he's not allergic.
18:43He hasn't got a tag or nothing.
18:44I can't see anything.
18:46Oh, this is a good bit, this is a good bit.
18:47I saw this last night.
18:49If he doesn't know that the Duke in there with the hat
18:51is really her husband in disguise,
18:53of course he's a right brouhaha.
18:55Right, where were we?
18:56Oh, here.
18:58Hello?
19:00Maybe the dose is wrong.
19:03I think he's had a stroke.
19:04Then we don't have any choice.
19:06Neville, we're going to have to open the extra straws.
19:17A favourite destination for holidaymakers after Siberia is Scotland.
19:25Hey, you open for afternoon tea?
19:27Ooh, maybe I am and maybe I'm not.
19:33Oh, okay.
19:36Oh, no, no, I am, I am.
19:38Please, sit down, sit down.
19:40What an adorable little place.
19:42It smells funny in here.
19:46I shall be back in a moment with a cake trolley.
19:51Here I am with a cake trolley.
19:53Ooh, those look great, don't they, Kimberly?
19:55I want the chocolate cake.
19:57Okay, honey.
19:58Kimberly has a nut allergy.
20:01Do you know if there are any nuts in it?
20:03Yes.
20:05What do you mean?
20:06Yes, there are nuts, or yes, you know?
20:08Yes.
20:10Well, which?
20:11If I tell you the truth, I'll tell you a lie,
20:13but if you call me false, I'll also tell you a lie.
20:18So does the cake contain nuts?
20:20Carrot cake, carrot cake, have you any nuts?
20:26The carrot cake contains no nuts.
20:31Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have you any nuts?
20:38The lemon drizzle cake contains no nuts.
20:45No nuts.
20:48Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have you any nuts?
20:55He wants to speak to you.
21:01Mike Kapowski?
21:04Here we are at the country home of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham.
21:08I'd love to write a book, but unfortunately I don't have a pen.
21:13His hand passed over the curves of her body, firmly, without desire,
21:18but with soft, intimate knowledge.
21:21End of chapter.
21:23This is wonderful, Dame Sally.
21:25Yes, it is, rather.
21:27Chapter four.
21:28As she went home in the twilight,
21:30the world seemed a dream.
21:32The trees in the park seemed bulging and surging at angle on the tide.
21:38Here in Britain's capital city of Sneddy
21:41are the offices of theatrical agent Jeremy Rent.
21:45Right, if you'd just like to sign on the second page there.
21:51Have you got a pen?
21:52There you are.
21:55Dennis Waterman.
22:01At last we've got you a job.
22:03I'm so glad to see you're finally over this silly
22:06write-the-theme-tune-sing-the-theme-tune business.
22:09Oh, no, that's all in the past.
22:11Well, thank goodness for that.
22:13Well, if that is all, I will be on my way.
22:21Oh, I have just remembered.
22:25Happy birthday!
22:27Oh, Dennis, you are naughty.
22:30No, I'm not, I'm good.
22:32Oh, thank you.
22:34It's got great music on it.
22:37Dennis.
22:38Sorry.
22:39Well, that's very kind of you.
22:42I'm just going to cut the cake now, if you'd like to come in.
22:45Can you pass me the knife, please, Dennis?
22:48Oh, isn't Dennis with you?
22:50I'm right here.
22:52Thank you.
22:54Make a wish.
22:56We haven't sung happy birthday yet.
22:58Oh, go on, then.
23:00One, two, three.
23:02If you want to, I'll change the situation.
23:06Right people, right time, just the wrong location.
23:12I've got a good idea, do-do-do-do.
23:15Just you keep me near, I'll be so good for
23:19Happy birthday, dear Jeremy.
23:22I'll be so good for you, do-do-do-do-do.
23:29Cake, anybody?
23:31Just a small piece.
23:33Here you go.
23:38It's lunchtime at this Chinese restaurant in Ducking Down.
23:41I myself love Chinese food.
23:43My favourite dishes are 14, 29 and 53.
23:49And me and Molly Sugden were friends from the old days.
23:51I mean, this was years before Are You Being Served.
23:53Liz.
23:54In a minute.
23:55Then Molly said to me, she said to me,
23:57would I like to be a bridesmaid? I mean, where?
23:59Liz, your food's getting cold.
24:01In a minute.
24:04And of course I was delighted.
24:06It was a wonderful day, all told.
24:07Liz, I thought you said you were just going to the toilet.
24:10I was.
24:11And then I just happened to get chatting to these nice people
24:13about me and Molly Sugden's bridesmaids.
24:14I'm so sorry about this.
24:16It was a lovely day.
24:17We had a lovely meal and there was dancing
24:18and they played the Beatles and there was dancing.
24:20I went to school with Paul McCartney.
24:22Oh, right.
24:23And then they brought out the cake.
24:24Really?
24:25What was he like?
24:27He was a really nice bloke.
24:28He was dead musical even then.
24:29He was always playing the piano at school time.
24:31And a lovely singing voice.
24:32Yeah, and then Molly, Molly Sugden, whose bridesmaid I was.
24:34Did you ever meet John Lennon?
24:36I did, actually.
24:37Once we went round at lunchtime and John was there
24:39and they were playing the piano and they were doing a bit of jamming.
24:41Yeah, the Beatles aren't really going anymore.
24:43Anyway, I said to Molly, I said to her.
24:45I love the Beatles.
24:46I've got all their tapes.
24:47Yeah, play them in the car.
24:49Why don't you come and join us?
24:50Oh, thank you very much.
24:51No, Clive, come away.
24:54Excuse us.
24:56He was at school with Paul McCartney.
24:58Yeah, and I was Molly Sugden's bridesmaid.
25:00I don't go on about it.
25:04Get over it.
25:07Boring.
25:1045, 46, 47.
25:16Thank you.
25:19Have you got a light?
25:22Won't go.