Little Britain S01 E02 - Bath of Beans
Transcript
00:00It's half past greeny at this comprehensive school in Darkly Noon.
00:10Project's in by first thing next week. Vicky Pollard, stay behind.
00:14Good luck, Vicky.
00:16Yes, thank you, Kelly.
00:18Will you come here, please, Vicky?
00:31Vicky, it's been two weeks now, and I still haven't received your essay on Lord Kitchener.
00:37No, because what happened was, was I was going round cars, but then this whole thing happened,
00:40because Shelley Todd is a bitch anyway, and has been completely going around saying that
00:43Destiny stole money out of Rochelle's purse, but I ain't not nearly even spoken to Rochelle
00:45because she's like Dash McKeeley's hair.
00:47Vicky, I'm not interested in that, I'm more interested in your coursework.
00:50No, because what happened was, was this whole thing happened, what I don't even know nothing about,
00:53because Ashley Cramer's been going around saying that Samantha's brother stole her mum,
00:55but anyway, shut up, never even stole no car, so shut up!
00:58Vicky, have you even started this essay?
01:00No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no,
01:03because I'm not even going on the pill, because Nadine reckons it'll stop me from getting pregnant.
01:06You know if I don't get this essay by the end of the week, I'm going to have to fail you.
01:09Yeah, but Louise Barron emptied a whole bottle of Fanta into Shannon's bag,
01:11but anyway, Luke reckons he figured out my bacon round the back of the language lab.
01:14Vicky, do you want to pass your GCSE?
01:16GCSE what?
01:18Don't give me EVOs!
01:22Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is having a meeting with one of his aides.
01:29Of course, if I was Prime Minister, I'd knock through to number 11,
01:33and have a sort of larger living area, really open up the space.
01:37So, Prime Minister, the meeting with the Trade and Industry Secretary has now been rescheduled for 6.15.
01:43Right, so the Chancellor's been moved to 7?
01:46Hiya!
01:48Oh, hello.
01:49Yes?
01:50Sebastian, this is Gregory Merton, he's just come to us from the Treasury.
01:54Hello, Sebastian.
01:55Gregory Merton, he's just come to us from the Treasury.
01:57Hello, Sebastian. Nice to meet you.
01:59Whatever. Sorry, Prime Minister, can I have a word?
02:02Well, can't it wait?
02:03It's kind of important, Prime Minister.
02:05Gregory, would you...
02:06Of course.
02:09Who was that?
02:13Gregory, he's a new boy at the Treasury. He's rather good.
02:15Oh, is he?
02:17Yeah, he's got a double first at Cambridge. Really knows his stuff.
02:20I don't like him.
02:21Why's that?
02:22I see the way he looks at you.
02:25What about it?
02:26He was looking at you like he loves you.
02:30I don't think so.
02:31It's sad. He's obviously got some kind of mad crush on you, Prime Minister.
02:38I think it's very unlikely.
02:39It's true. He gets all kinds of nervous when he's around you.
02:52Is that everything?
02:53Yes.
02:56Do you want to get up?
02:58No.
03:01Could you call Gregory back in?
03:03Gregory! I think he's gone. So, anyway...
03:06Gregory, come in, please.
03:09Sebastian's just leaving. Could you show him out?
03:15Bitch.
03:16Bitch.
03:23Sorry about that. Where were we?
03:25Oh, you're meeting with the Chancellor.
03:27Oh, yes.
03:30Ooh, you smell nice.
03:37People in Britain do all manner of things for kicks.
03:40Some lick stamps, others sit on chairs.
03:43This fellow, who calls himself Emily Howard, likes to dress up as a lady.
03:47Takes all sorts, I suppose.
03:52Absolutely tipping it down out there.
03:54That's the only reason I came in here alone, without a chaperone.
03:57I'm a lady, you see. Please, pay me no heed.
04:02I've never been in a pub before.
04:04Tell me, what does one do?
04:07Well, you can order a drink if you like, mate.
04:10Yes, I'll have a lady's drink, s'il vous plait.
04:13What can I get you?
04:14I'd like to buy the lady a drink.
04:16What?
04:18I said I'd like to buy you a drink, if that's OK.
04:23But I'm a lady.
04:24Yeah, I know. And I'd like to buy you a drink.
04:29Well, a drinky poo-poo.
04:31Yes, I'll have a slim lime tonic water, please.
04:33Ah, sure.
04:35And two packets of crisps. Do you have the barbecue beef variety?
04:41Merci beaucoup.
04:43Cheers.
04:44Choo-choo.
04:46Oh, it goes straight to my head.
04:48So, tell me a little bit about yourself.
04:50Well, my name is Emily, Emily Howard, and I'm a lady.
04:54And because I'm a lady, I like to do ladies' things,
04:56like attend the operettas and les ballets imaginaires.
05:00Do you like the theatre?
05:01No, but I like you.
05:02Well, you must know that I'm a lady.
05:04I press flowers and stroke kittens and swim in rivers wearing dresses and hats and shit.
05:11You're a very lovely-looking lady.
05:13Oh!
05:17You embarrass me!
05:18I must go and powder my nails.
05:22Here.
05:23You want to be careful with that one.
05:25She's gorgeous.
05:27Here, watch me, pint. I'm off for a slash.
05:35Hello again!
05:46Meanwhile, southeast of North Westshire, lies the little town of Herby.
05:54Andy's birthday is just over a year away, and his friend Lou has decided to do something special.
06:00Right, there's your milk.
06:02Now, you know it's your birthday coming up, and I said I'd take you up to London to see a show?
06:06Yeah, I know.
06:07Well, all the shows are advertised here.
06:09Now, which one do you want to see, because I'm going to have to book?
06:11That one.
06:13That's the Royal Opera House, I don't think you'll enjoy that.
06:15That one.
06:17What about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
06:19You like the film, and this one's got Michael Boulds in it.
06:22You like Michael Boulds.
06:23Yeah, I know.
06:24Which one do you want to see?
06:25That one.
06:26It's a triviata, it's an opera.
06:28Yeah, I know.
06:30Well, it's very expensive, it's about £100 a ticket.
06:33That one.
06:35Alright, we'll go to the opera.
06:45I don't like her.
06:50This is Kelsey Grammar School in Flange.
06:52Schools are where tomorrow adults or children are harvested.
07:00For these boys, the first lesson of the day is on Charles Dickens' Great Expectations.
07:05But now I was frightened again, and ran home without stopping.
07:09Palfrey, you'll take over.
07:12Top of page 116.
07:15My sister, Mrs Jo Gardew, had brought me up by hand,
07:18knowing her to have a hard and heavy hand in the house.
07:20Johnson, you'll take over.
07:22In the habit of laying it upon her husband,
07:25Johnson, you'll take over.
07:27In the habit of laying it upon her husband, as well as upon me...
07:30Plunk!
07:31I suppose...
07:32Back to Johnson.
07:34Suppose that...
07:35Kellam, you'll take over.
07:36That's...
07:37Jo Gardew and I were both brought up by hand.
07:40Drums.
07:41Not a good-looking...
07:42Meecha.
07:43Woman.
07:45Well done, boy.
07:49My sis...
07:50Roland.
07:51And I had...
07:52Honky-tonk.
07:53I had a general impression that she must have been making Jo Gard...
07:57Phillips, Nash, Peppeth-Arsenal.
08:01Go on, read.
08:02Yes, all of you.
08:04Jo was a fair man with...
08:07Melling, Ashworth, join them.
08:09...of his smooth face and with eyes...
08:12Scotch accents.
08:15...such that in any undecided move that they...
08:19In the style of the elephant, ma'am.
08:22Shhh!
08:27Right, stop!
08:28We're not getting anywhere.
08:29I will read.
08:30Page 117.
08:33Jo was a mild...
08:36Mild...
08:37Mild...
08:38Mild...
08:39Mild...
08:40Good...
08:41Nature...
08:45Shall we just watch the video?
08:47Yeah.
08:48Yeah, better.
08:51Unlike other countries, Britain has people of two genders.
08:55Women and men.
08:57Gary and his friend Jason are two men.
09:01Write it down.
09:02Men.
09:07Are you Gary?
09:08Yeah, Mum.
09:09This is my mate Jason.
09:11Oh, bring him in.
09:13Right, this is Jason, this is my sister Julie.
09:16Hi.
09:17This is my mum.
09:18Hello.
09:19How do you do?
09:20Come in then.
09:22Hello.
09:28Gary never told me he had such a beautiful grandmother.
09:32Come on, just go, put the kettle on.
09:38Why, er...
09:42I haven't seen you around.
09:43Where do you normally hang out?
09:44Day centre.
09:46Let's check it out.
09:47What's that?
09:49You smell nice.
09:50What is it?
09:51Murray Minch.
09:53Oi, tell him about the party.
09:55Hmm?
09:56Oh yeah, Julie's mate's having a party tonight, Jay.
09:58Do you want to go?
09:59Er...
10:00What do you reckon then?
10:01Are you up for it?
10:02Hey, what, me?
10:03I don't think she'd want me there.
10:05It's for the younger generation.
10:07Yeah, I'll give it a miss.
10:12So, er...
10:13I bet you're a woman of experience.
10:16Well, I've lived through two world wars.
10:21Maureen!
10:22Yes, Mum?
10:23Can you take me to the toilet?
10:26I'm just making the tea, Mum.
10:28Julie, be a good girl and take your nan to the toilet.
10:31It's OK, I'll do it.
10:40Mum.
10:41Oh, sorry, I thought that was your elbow.
10:47Meanwhile, at the Uncle Albert Hall, a recital is taking place.
10:59Oh no, I had a bag.
11:00Where's me bag?
11:03Oh, here it is.
11:17Meanwhile, in Trovey, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig is on a date.
11:22I usually just have a starter and find that's enough.
11:27It's nice here.
11:29It's funny, I don't remember saying I'd go on a date with you.
11:36I don't know what to have, it all looks so nice.
11:38The set menu is very reasonable.
11:42Oh, they do baked lobster.
11:44I've never had lobster before.
11:46I had that.
11:47Look into my eyes.
11:48Look into my eyes.
11:49The eyes, not around the eyes.
11:50Don't look around the eyes.
11:51Look into my eyes.
11:52You're under.
11:53In a moment, the waiter will appear and when he does, you will order from the set menu.
11:55Three courses, 8.95.
11:56You will not order the lobster.
11:57Three, two, one.
11:58You're back in the room.
12:04Oh, there's lots of things I like on the set menu.
12:08You don't mind ordering from the set menu, do you?
12:10Hey, hey, whatever you want, you know.
12:11It's fine.
12:12Do you know what you want to drink yet?
12:15It seems it's a special occasion.
12:17It would be lovely to have a bottle of bubbly.
12:21Look into my eyes.
12:22Look into my eyes.
12:23The eyes, not around the eyes.
12:24Don't look around the eyes.
12:25Look into my eyes.
12:26You're under.
12:27You would choose a soft drink.
12:28You will not repeat.
12:29You will not order champagne.
12:30I know it's our first date.
12:31They don't even fancy you that much and I really resent you bleeding me dry here.
12:32Three, two, one.
12:33You're back in the room.
12:36Are you ready to order, madam?
12:37Yes, I'll order from the set menu, please.
12:39I'll have the spring roll and chicken chow mein.
12:42And to drink?
12:44Just a glass of water.
12:45Thank you.
12:49And for sir?
12:50I'm not really hungry.
12:51I'll just have the lobster and a bottle of champagne.
12:56Above this theatre here in Sneddy is the office of theatrical agent Jeremy Rent.
13:04Yes?
13:05Dennis Waterman to see you.
13:06Oh, lovely.
13:08Do send him in.
13:10Hello.
13:11Hello.
13:13Oh, that's a big donk.
13:15Have you ever met Wolfie?
13:17Shake his hand.
13:22That's a good boy.
13:27Oh, tired.
13:29Now, I'm glad you popped in because I've just had a call from the Trude Theatre Company.
13:33Oh, not telly.
13:35No.
13:36I'm afraid as long as you insist on writing and singing your own theme tunes, telly won't touch you.
13:40What about that part in EastEnders?
13:42They've already got a theme tune.
13:44Mine's much better.
13:45Lots of things are happening in Albert Square.
13:49Yes, thank you.
13:51Now, the Trude Theatre Company are doing a production of Macbeth and they want you for the lead.
13:58Heavy.
14:00Just one thing.
14:01They do start rehearsals on Monday.
14:03Well, it's not much time, is it, to write a new theme tune?
14:06No, Dennis, it's a straight play.
14:08No music.
14:09So, yes or no?
14:13Mr Macbeth is a naughty man.
14:16Do, do, do, do, do.
14:18He gone and killed another man.
14:21Do, do, do, do.
14:23I hath a good idea.
14:25Just thou keep me near, I'll be so good for the Scottish play.
14:30I tell him you're busy.
14:34Could you give me a hand down, please?
14:41Oh, don't drop me, don't drop me!
14:42I got you.
14:44Off you pop.
14:46Don't patronise me.
14:49Community centres in Britain are used as meeting places for all kinds of groups.
14:55Until a law is passed to imprison fat people,
14:58the gluttons of Britain are free to walk the streets and attend special diet classes like this one.
15:03Yeah, I would say 12 stone 6.
15:05Oh, you've gone up half a pound.
15:07Bad luck.
15:08Sorry I'm late, Marjorie.
15:10Oh, that's all right, Pat.
15:11Now, the scales are broken today, so I'm just having to estimate people's weight.
15:15So, why don't you...
15:16I tell you what, just lift up your arm.
15:20Yeah, you look about 17 stone to me.
15:24I weighed myself this morning, I was 16 stone 5.
15:27Oh, well, turn around.
15:29No, it's definitely 17, I'm afraid.
15:33It's not easy, is it?
15:35And last but not least, Paul.
15:38So, what are you going to make me, then, eh?
15:4020 stone?
15:41Don't be silly, Paul.
15:4219 stone 11.
15:46OK, our buzzword for today is...
15:50Cravings.
15:51Cravings.
15:52Cravings.
15:53Not John Cravings.
15:55We're not talking John Cravings news roundup, no.
15:57We're talking cravings.
16:00What foods do we get cravings of?
16:03Tanya, start us off.
16:05Chocolate.
16:06Chocolate, yes.
16:08Well done, chocolate.
16:10Lovely.
16:11OK.
16:13Your hands.
16:15No, it's Dave.
16:16Oh, sorry, Dave.
16:17I always get those two names mixed up.
16:19Chocolate.
16:20Yeah, we sort of had chocolate.
16:22Chocolate biscuits.
16:24Yeah, they're sort of covered in chocolate.
16:26Yeah, that's why he likes them.
16:29Yeah, you see, that's why you're so fat, because you don't take it seriously.
16:34Pat.
16:35Cake.
16:36Cake, yes.
16:37Cake.
16:38We all like a bit of cake, don't we?
16:40I know I do.
16:41I love it.
16:42I do.
16:43I love a bit of cake.
16:44I do.
16:45I just like cake.
16:46I'm just one of those people.
16:47I come home and all I want is a slice of cake.
16:48I just love cake.
16:49I just love a bit of cake.
16:50Cake.
16:51I love a bit of cake.
16:52Cake.
16:53Lovely.
16:54Mary.
16:55Fish and chips.
16:57Sorry, do it again.
16:58Fish and chips.
17:00Do it again.
17:01Fish and chips.
17:03Do it again.
17:04Oh, forget it.
17:06Must be some sort of dish that we don't get over here.
17:10OK, so how can we eat the food we crave and still lose weight?
17:15Introducing the all new Fat Fighters Half the Calories Diet.
17:20Yeah?
17:21Yeah?
17:22Take the food you like, whether it's your chocolate or your biscuits or your cake.
17:27Oh, man, I love the cake.
17:29Or your thing.
17:31Cut it in half and it's just half the calories.
17:35Yeah?
17:36Of course it's only half the calories.
17:37You can have twice as much.
17:39You're so stupid.
17:40Excuse me?
17:41You're never going to lose weight by doing that.
17:43Oh, dear.
17:4419 stone 12.
17:48If you're thinking of going on holiday and the Arctic is fully booked, why not try Scotland?
17:56Yes, it's very good.
17:57I assume it was all freshly made on the premises.
18:00Enjoying your stay?
18:02Yes, very much.
18:04We were just saying how much we like the soup.
18:07Did you make it?
18:08Maybe I did and maybe I didn't.
18:14Well, uh...
18:18Did you?
18:19Yes.
18:21Well, it's delicious.
18:22We'd love to be able to make it ourselves.
18:24You'd like to know my secrets, would you?
18:32Well, yes.
18:33Have you ever heard of a thing called butter?
18:39Yes.
18:40Yes.
18:41Golden color and slippery to the touch.
18:45Yes, butter.
18:46Anything else?
18:47Yes.
18:49Did you ever hear the legend of the seeded fruit that is often mistaken for a vegetable?
18:56The tomato?
18:57Red in color and fleshy within, but beware of the pips.
19:04They call it the tomato.
19:09Right, the tomato.
19:10Anything else?
19:11Yes.
19:12Have you ever heard of such a thing as a cow?
19:14A cow, mate!
19:17Let me think.
19:18Yes, I have.
19:19Ah, but did you know the cow secretes her liquor from its udder?
19:22Yes.
19:23Milk?
19:24Ye know too much.
19:27Ye know...
19:31...too much.
19:39So anyway, we start off by the castle.
19:42I leave ye with a riddle.
19:44I'm hard yet soft, I'm colored yet clear.
19:47I am fruity and sweet, I am jelly.
19:49What am I?
19:54Jelly.
19:55Muse upon it further, I shall return.
19:58It's jelly though, isn't it?
20:00Yes.
20:02If you have a verruca and would like to share it with others,
20:05then why not pop down to your local swimming pool?
20:10I want to get in.
20:11Yeah, I'll get you in in a minute.
20:13I've just got to find a lifeguard to help you get in.
20:15You wait there, okay?
20:17I want to get in.
20:19Um, excuse me, I wonder if you could give me a hand.
20:22I'm here with a friend who you may have seen is in a wheelchair
20:26and I need a little bit of help getting him in and out of the pool.
20:30Now, I mean, getting him in the pool is not really a kerfuffle.
20:33Getting him out of the pool isn't really a kerfuffle.
20:35I mean, he's relatively kerfuffle-free,
20:37but he does have a slight fear of water.
20:41You know, he likes the water, but he's not a strong swimmer.
20:45He's really doggy paddle, if anything.
20:47And really, we just need to help him get in and out
20:50because I like him to go swimming because it's good exercise,
20:53you know what I mean?
20:54And so really, I think it's just a case of me maybe taking the upper body
20:58and you maybe taking, yeah, the legs, the lower body,
21:01and just lowering him in very gently.
21:03So shall we go help him in here?
21:07Right, how are we going to do this?
21:09Did you shower?
21:11Yeah.
21:12It's Julia o'clock here in the Welsh mining village of Llanduibhredi
21:16and out gay man Dafydd Thomas is enjoying a drink.
21:21Can I have another Bacardi and Coke, please, my van, will you?
21:24Coming right up.
21:25Oh, bloody hell, my van, I'm so down.
21:27Oh, why is that, Dafydd?
21:29It's so hard being the only gay in the village.
21:31Oh, I just dream of the day I can meet other gays
21:34who understand what it's like to be a gay.
21:36Oh, I was going to tell you.
21:38I was talking to old Mara Evans and she's got a new launcher from Cardiff
21:42and guess what? He is a gay.
21:45What? In the village?
21:47Apparently, yes.
21:48I told her to send him over here tonight so you could meet him.
21:52This must be him now.
21:56Hello, can I have a Bacardi and Coke, please?
21:59Oh, you must be Dafydd.
22:01There you go.
22:03I'll leave you boys to it.
22:05No, don't go away.
22:09Just passing through, are you?
22:11Oh, no, I've got a job here at the florist
22:13and I'm looking for somewhere to live.
22:15I saw a very nice cottage, but that's another story.
22:21Is it?
22:22Yes.
22:25And you claim to be a gay, you do?
22:27Oh, yes, I am.
22:29And Mrs Evans said I should come and talk to you
22:31because you're the only gay in the village.
22:33Well, now you're not. Now there's two of us.
22:35No, you are not a gay. I am gay.
22:37I am gay.
22:38All right, then.
22:39If you're gay, who played Dorothy in the film The Wizard of Oz?
22:42Judy Garland.
22:44How do you know that?
22:45It's easy. Everyone knows that.
22:47All right, then. This will get you.
22:49Who is the gay character, and are you being served?
22:51Mr Humphreys.
22:53Was it?
22:54Yes.
22:56Well, that's very subtle, then.
22:58I always thought it was Captain Peacock.
23:00He's the one with the moustache.
23:02Well, I seem to have passed your gay test,
23:04so I must be gay.
23:05No, you are not a gay. I am the gay.
23:07You're probably just a little bit puffy.
23:09I am gay. I've had sex with men and everything.
23:11That's more than you've had, David.
23:13Shut up, McConway!
23:14I am the only gay in this village, and that's that.
23:16Oh, maybe I should go.
23:18Yes, back to Cardiff.
23:19We've already got one gay in Klamdui Brevi.
23:21We don't need another one.
23:22Well, goodbye, then.
23:24Provincial Queens.
23:28David Thomas, you bloody fool.
23:30You could have had a bit of cock, then.
23:34Oh, I'm the only gay in the village.
23:36You're full of shit, you are.
23:38That's exactly the kind of homophobic attitude
23:40I come to expect in this village.
23:42Good day.
23:44Now, about this essay...
23:49Yeah, I have one or two problems with it.
23:52What was Lord Kitchener's role in World War I?
23:55No, but yeah.
23:57In World War I, or something,
23:59there was this bloke, right, called Kitchen,
24:01or something, or nothing,
24:03who'd done this thing,
24:04but he ain't even not done it,
24:06so shut up.
24:08Anyway, Cathy reckons she saw Candice
24:10Anyway, Cathy reckons she saw Candice
24:12getting off with Tony Tozer?
24:14Tozer, yeah.
24:15In Footlocker, but anyway, don't listen to her
24:17because she's got one tit bigger than the other.
24:20Vicky, they simply won't do.
24:22Wait, is there a problem with spelling?
24:27So, Home Secretary,
24:28what are your priorities for the next 12 months?
24:30I would say the biggest challenge we face now
24:33is the increasing influx of minstrels.
24:36There are too many minstrels in this country,
24:38and I would say there was a case for saying
24:40that a good deal of them should be sent back to minstrel land.
24:43That was in my constituency,
24:45over the weekend.
24:47Swanny,
24:49I want to get a little bit of you.
24:51Swanny,
24:53I'd give the world to be
24:55among the top ten
24:57D-I-X-I-E,
24:58even though I'm Miami.
25:00Wait for me, pray for me,
25:02don't cry for me.
25:08I think we're going to need another tin.