Little Britain S03 E05 - Episode #3.5
Transcript
00:00Passed Mr. Ernest and Duque, and Blue and Andy are on their way home from the shops.
00:06Yeah, you look very well. You had your hair done?
00:08No, not really.
00:10It looks lovely, yeah. It's really nice like that.
00:12I'll see you later.
00:14Take care, bye.
00:16This patio's going to look lovely.
00:18You're going to be able to sit out here in the summer and sunbathe.
00:21Yeah, I know.
00:23Right. Nearly finished.
00:25I want to go on it now.
00:27Oh, no. You can't go on it now. It's got to dry first.
00:30Yeah, I know.
00:32Ooh! Ow.
00:34Ooh, me back.
00:36Ooh. Ah, I think something went there.
00:39I think something went the other day as well, you know,
00:42when I carried you to the top of Post Office Town.
00:47Ooh. Ow, yes.
00:50It's dry. It's amazing, it's dry.
00:53Ooh, yes. Ah, that's got it.
00:57What have you done there?
00:59I did.
01:04At this travel agent,
01:06Carol Beer is once again working her nuts off.
01:12So, that flight leaves Heathrow on the 8th?
01:14Yes.
01:16Will you be taking your wife on a tan luggage?
01:21No.
01:23So you need two seats.
01:25That's all booked for you.
01:27Oh, I forgot to ask, does that include insurance?
01:31Computer says no.
01:33I think we should take some out.
01:35We do offer a very reasonable insurance package here at Sun Searchers.
01:39And that covers us against accidents, does it?
01:43Computer says no.
01:45Oh. So it just covers us against theft?
01:51Computer says no.
01:54Medical bills?
01:57Computer would like to refer the Honourable Gentleman
01:59to the answer it gave some moments ago.
02:03Doesn't sound like it'd be much use.
02:05No.
02:07We'll leave it, thanks.
02:08We do offer Sun Searchers Platinum Gold Insurance.
02:11Oh, yes.
02:12And what kind of things does that cover?
02:14Well, last week, we had a man in Barbados who lost a flip-flop.
02:19We were able to send a replacement flip-flop out to him first class.
02:23All he had to do was cover the cost of the fly.
02:27And the flip-flop.
02:30I think we'll forget about the insurance, thank you.
02:32OK, I'll just give you a second, then.
02:45It's half-past Queen and Paul Rogers.
02:47And in poop, a couple are getting ready to go out.
02:50Darling? Darling?
02:52Yes?
02:53Have you seen my wallet?
02:55It's by the phone.
02:58Aren't you going to tell me how I look?
03:00Beautiful.
03:01Oh, that'll be the babysitter. I'll get her.
03:07Hello. You must be Victoria.
03:09No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no,
03:12cos I'm totally like the old babysitter on 7-Eleven.
03:14Come in. You're a little late.
03:16Do you think you can give me e-balls?
03:18What happened was, I was going to be here about half-an-hour ago,
03:21but I couldn't because we was all at McDonald's,
03:23because Jade McGuire really fancies this bloke who works there
03:25called Lee Cherry, who used to go to our school,
03:27and he's done, like, the best out of everyone in his year,
03:29cos he's got two stars on his name badge,
03:31one for slicing gherkins and the other for mopping up piss.
03:33Anyway, Shanita told Lee that Jade really fancies him,
03:35and then Jade took Lee round the back of the deep-fat fryer
03:37and showed him her egg McMuffins.
03:39Hello, there. I'm Jennifer.
03:42Got any Perle?
03:43Got any Perle?
03:46Archie's already in bed. He should be fine.
03:48If he wakes up, don't let him watch cartoons.
03:50Yes, he'll settle better if you read him a book.
03:52A what?
03:54I hope you don't mind me asking,
03:56but have you looked after children much before?
03:58Oh, my God, I still can't believe you just said that!
04:01Shut up! I'm, like, well good with kids,
04:03because once me and Carrie Delaney was at the Broadway Centre
04:05and she had one of them babies where you don't even know
04:07you're pregnant until it comes out.
04:08She had one of them in a top shop. It was well graphic.
04:11And I had to hold it while she went and brought a day-glow hair scrunchie.
04:14Oh, yeah, and I'm actually, like, shut out six kids myself,
04:16so does that count, you pervert?
04:20So who's looking after them tonight?
04:22I don't know.
04:24Taxi's here.
04:26You will be OK?
04:27Yeah, God, stop getting involved!
04:34Mummy!
04:35Shut up!
04:38Like most universities in Britain,
04:40this one offers a variety of courses,
04:42including a postgrad on the life and work of Jane Middlemas.
04:47I just wondered if you know what the deadline is for the Sylvia Plath essay.
04:50Oh, aren't her poems wonderful?
04:52She always seems a bit down in the dumps, though.
04:54I love the bell jar.
04:55I read it. I thought cheer-up love might never happen.
04:58Have you tried Jilly Cooper?
05:00No.
05:01Sorry, I just need to know when the deadline is.
05:03Well, I'm not sure. Martin'll know.
05:10Martin, it's Lenda.
05:12I've got Molly Spencer here.
05:14Wants to know when the Plath essay is due in.
05:17Molly, you know Molly.
05:18Lovely brown hair.
05:20Quite petite.
05:22Almost very pretty.
05:24Looks like she's balancing a Malteser on her face.
05:27When you see her, you want to go,
05:28careful, there's a bee on you!
05:30And then you realise...
05:32That's right, Molly the mole.
05:35It's Thursday.
05:37Thanks very much.
05:40I am a mole and I live in a hole.
05:47It's half past Mr Miyagi,
05:49and once again Sir Norman Fry MP has some explaining to do.
05:52I have a statement I would like to read.
05:55Last week, I purchased a new camera,
05:58and whilst in my office in the House of Commons,
06:00I accidentally took a picture of myself naked.
06:04That picture somehow, and I would love to know how,
06:07found its way onto gaydar.
06:10Which I later discovered to be a dating website for sodomites.
06:14Basically you pay a flat fee, post your stats online and...
06:21I was then invited to join a group of gentlemen
06:24at a party in Brighton,
06:26where I was planning to give a talk about education reform.
06:31However, shortly after my arrival,
06:33my clothes accidentally fell off.
06:37At that moment, I slipped on a glace cherry,
06:40and landed inside one of the men.
06:45As far as I'm concerned, that is the end of the matter. Thank you.
06:55Aren't fat people loathsome?
06:57Just look at their stupid fat faces.
06:59I'd like to give them all a punch on the nose,
07:02but I can't, I'm too fat.
07:04Well, I'd like to put a little bit of low-fat cottage cheese
07:07on some ravita, and you can have that as it is,
07:10or you can deep fry it.
07:12Now, today's buzzword is motivisation.
07:15Last week, I asked you all to bring in a picture of yourself
07:18not looking at your best, to act as an incentive
07:21next time you're reaching for that slice of cake.
07:23We like cake, though, don't we?
07:24We like a bit of cake, don't we? Yeah? Cake?
07:26Give me cake! Give me cake now!
07:28We like cake. We like cake.
07:29I like cake, though. I do. I just like cake.
07:31I like it a lot. I like cake.
07:33Give me cake! Give me cake!
07:35I fancy cake.
07:37So, let's have a look at these pictures.
07:39Paul, can you dim the lights, please?
07:43Oh, yeah, and I don't want to wear any rustling.
07:45This is not an excuse to eat.
07:47Let's have a look at the first photo, then.
07:50Oh, at home with the Kumars.
07:53Have you seen that programme?
07:55It's actually very funny, cos they're Asian.
07:57So, where was this photo taken, my love?
07:59Was this in India or...?
08:01New Mordor.
08:02We'll never know.
08:03Come on, yeah.
08:05Oh, that took guts to bring that one in, my love.
08:08And where was this photo taken?
08:10It was at my sister's 60th.
08:12What, you mean you still get invited to family do's?
08:15Yeah.
08:16Oh, just cos you were my sister,
08:18I would deny all knowledge of your existence.
08:20I mean that in a caring way.
08:21Bless your overworked heart.
08:25Paul, where was this?
08:26New York.
08:27Oh!
08:28Did you forget when you were there?
08:30You know what it's like when you're on holiday.
08:32Yeah, well, that's why you're here, Paul.
08:34Because you cannot control your binge eating.
08:36Oh, excuse me for a moment, fat fighter.
08:41HE MUNCHES
08:45HE MUNCHES
08:54HE SCREAMS
08:57HE BURPS
09:01Did that to, er, blow my nose?
09:03Right, let's have a look at the next picture.
09:07Oh, Mama, you're fat!
09:09So, Pat, how does this picture make you feel, my darling?
09:13Well, although it was a very happy day, as it was my wedding,
09:16I do think I look very large in that dress.
09:19Mm, did they have to roll you down the aisle?
09:22No, I walked.
09:23Brave.
09:24And even though she looked like that,
09:26you didn't have second thoughts, you still went through with it?
09:28Of course.
09:29I look up, Pat, and there's a beautiful person inside.
09:33There's a few of them.
09:36And now, because it's only fair,
09:38here's a picture of me not looking at my best.
09:42Lost a bit of weight since then, obviously.
09:44Right, son.
09:53Keep the change.
09:54Hey, no yawning from you.
09:56Mine's not over yet.
10:19Becky!
10:20What are you doing here? You ain't invited.
10:22Where's Archie? Is he all right?
10:24Yeah, we sent him down the office to get some more fans.
10:26What?!
10:27Don't look at me, evil! I gave him fake ID.
10:29Anyway, I am actually quite busy at the moment,
10:31trying to get off with this bloke, actually, if you don't mind, actually.
10:33Get out! Get out of my house!
10:35Don't worry, we're going. This party's, like, well-staffed anyway.
10:38And I found your poor nose, you dirty bastard.
10:43Oh, yeah, and I can do next Tuesday if you want.
10:46Oh!
10:50This is a computer shop.
10:52Computers date back to the reign of King Henry VIII.
10:55Computers then were very basic.
10:57You could only really get Pac-Man and stoopy tennis.
11:00Don't you see that Pirates of the Caribbean?
11:02That was our lamest movie, man. I did not like that.
11:05Yeah, Ricky, how could you like that?
11:07Yes, boss?
11:08Yeah, I bought an XP upgrade for my laptop, but it hasn't installed right.
11:12OK, let's take a look at it, then.
11:17Yeah, this is XP Professional, though, isn't it, not the Home Edition?
11:20Yeah. Yeah, I'm not too good on this,
11:22so what I'm going to do is I'm going to bring in the horse.
11:33I'm just going to tell the horse what the problem is.
11:41Yeah, the horse says,
11:42Yeah, the horse says,
11:46No, I didn't.
11:55Yeah, the horse says,
12:03Oh, great, thank you.
12:04Yeah, he's a good horse, this one. He's one of the best we've had.
12:07Yeah, actually, I've got a problem with my iPod.
12:13Yeah, the horse says he doesn't know anything about iPods.
12:16Come on, boss, it's just a horse.
12:22Hey, Sanjay, did you ask a horse about an iPod, didn't you?
12:30This young man is what we call a homosexual.
12:33Some people in Britain are heterosexual.
12:35I myself am bisexual.
12:37Well, at my time of life, I can't afford to be too picky.
12:41Think I'm going to leave right now
12:43Before I fall any deeper
12:46Think I'm going to leave right now
12:48For I am feeling weaker and weaker
12:51Will you get me on with the shopping, Tabeth?
12:53Oh, I would do, Ma, but I'm a little busy at the moment.
12:56I'm just updating my Williams scrapbook.
12:58All right.
12:59He's been such an inspiration to me as the only gay in the village.
13:03So brave, the way he came out as gay just after he won Pop Idol.
13:08Yes.
13:09Did you remember my Smarties?
13:12There you go.
13:14Now, me and your da been talking,
13:16and we were thinking it was time maybe you got yourself a job.
13:20Oh, I'd love to get myself a job, but I can't.
13:23Why not?
13:24I am a gay.
13:25Rubbish.
13:27There's loads of jobs I'd love to do but can't because of my sexuality.
13:30Like what?
13:31Hairdresser, airline steward, children's TV presenter.
13:35But they simply don't employ the gays.
13:38Of course they do.
13:40And if you got yourself a job, you could rent your own flat.
13:45How can I rent a flat? I'm a gay.
13:47Oh, I can just see it now.
13:49Hello, landlord, I like men's bottoms.
13:51How's that going to go down?
13:53Well, could you at least sign on?
13:55They might have a bit of money coming in.
13:56I can't go down the job centre.
13:58Why? Because you're gay?
13:59That's right.
14:00I'm a homo.
14:01I'm a bengal.
14:02I'm a feral.
14:03I'm a pofter.
14:04Ma, I'm a bum boy.
14:08I know.
14:10Oh, sorry, I didn't think I mentioned it.
14:13Well, make yourself useful and help me put the shopping away.
14:18Mother, I am at a critical moment with my breadstick.
14:20Stop it.
14:23Oh, I can't lift it, I'm gay.
14:27Give it here, you big puff.
14:29I'm a pub.
14:30Don't be so stupid.
14:31I'm reporting you to Childline.
14:32What?
14:34My own mother rejects me,
14:35simply for the crime of wanting men's torches in my bonbon.
14:39Good day.
14:45In Grumble, just north of Little Moan,
14:48lies the home of local Neighbour Watch group leader Sid Pegg.
14:54OK, welcome to tonight's meeting of Neighbour Watch.
14:58Now, did anyone witness the events of Sunday afternoon?
15:03In less than 100 hours,
15:05approx...
15:07...immediately,
15:08an empty can of Lilt was kicked down the close by a gang of yob.
15:15Is that all?
15:16If only it was, Mrs Vicar.
15:19On Monday, less than 24 hours after the Lilt incident,
15:23some mindless thug defaced the Larkwood Close road sign.
15:27They put two dots in the O's to make it look like a pair of titties.
15:33There's nothing funny about a pair of women's titties.
15:36Titties are beautiful.
15:38They are, in fact, my favourite part of a lady.
15:41Apart from the general fanny area.
15:46Shall I put the turkey burgers on?
15:48Yes, wife. Turkey burgers go.
15:51Oh, where was I?
15:52Titties, fanny, turkey burgers...
15:55Oh, yes, self-defence.
15:57Sometimes it is necessary to arm ourselves,
16:00which is why I always sleep with this under my pillow.
16:04Another pillow.
16:05Yes, mother.
16:06Britain fights back.
16:08You two married yet?
16:10No.
16:11Shame for the kid, he'll be a bastard.
16:13Right, now can I have a volunteer, please?
16:17Lloyd, I saw your hand go up.
16:21All right, little fella?
16:22Little Lloyd Snow, number seven.
16:24He rents, he doesn't own.
16:26I don't know if you know, Lloyd was actually a contestant on The Weakest Link.
16:29Oh, yes, are you honest?
16:31Sorry?
16:32If people are going to start shouting things out,
16:34there's just going to be chaos.
16:36Wife?
16:37Yes?
16:38Birds are potato waffles, go.
16:40Right, now what do we do if one of these bastards,
16:43sorry, attacks you in your home?
16:46Now, Lloyd, you're going to get me in a headlock
16:48and I'm going to get out of it.
16:50Now, whatever I say, whatever I do, don't let go, OK?
16:54Right.
16:55Right, OK, go.
16:56Right.
16:57Tiser, Tiser, that's nothing, Tiser.
17:02OK, Lloyd, that's enough.
17:04I beg you, I beg you, don't let go, don't do it, wait.
17:08That's how you get out of a headlock.
17:11You just say that you've had enough and they should let go.
17:15Thank you, thank you, thank you very much, thank you.
17:19What?
17:20Yes?
17:21Alphabetty Spaghetti, go.
17:24Business is brisk at this fancy dress shop.
17:27Fancy dress parties were invented in 1971
17:30by Professor Ian Fancy Dress Party.
17:36Right, well, what can I do for you?
17:39If you wouldn't mind.
17:42Right, I have been invited to a fancy dress party
17:45and want to go as the comedian David Baddiel.
17:49David Baddiel?
17:50David Baddiel?
17:51Yes, unplanned, dearer please, not the Mary Whitehouse experience.
17:56You are being a little specific.
17:58I want to go as the author and humorist David Baddiel.
18:02Oh, dear.
18:04Margaret, Margaret!
18:12Yes?
18:13There's a gentleman here who wants to know
18:15if we've got any David Baddiel costumes.
18:17I don't think so, no.
18:19She says she doesn't think so, no.
18:21Oh.
18:22Oh.
18:23We've got a punt in Dennis, but I think the punt's out.
18:26She says we've got a punt in Dennis, but she thinks the punt's out.
18:29No.
18:30No.
18:31Oh, we've got a statue outfit.
18:33She says, oh, we've got a statue outfit.
18:35No, I only really like David.
18:38Oh, I don't know what to suggest.
18:40I'm in no hurry.
18:44Well, I'll tell you what,
18:46why don't I try and fashion a David Baddiel outfit
18:48out of some of the more nondescript items we have in the shop?
18:51That would be most kind.
18:52Right, if you'd like to wait in our changing room over here.
18:56If I give you Rory McGrath's jumper...
19:02..Martin Clunes' chinos...
19:05There you go.
19:06..and Santeev Bhaskar's espadrilles...
19:10..and Terry Waite's beard.
19:14Well, how are you getting on?
19:24Well?
19:25Nothing like him.
19:32Thank you very much.
19:37Rugby is very popular in Britain
19:41as it allows men to act out sadomasochistic, homoerotic fantasies
19:45in the safety of a sporting context.
19:48Yeah.
19:49Looks like Herbie's hand are going to lose again.
19:52Yeah, I know.
19:53You said it yourself.
19:54The team are strong on power,
19:56but lack the delicate agility and finesse
19:58to ultimately fulfil their potential.
20:00Yeah, they're crap.
20:02I'm going to get myself a tin of pop.
20:04Do you want one?
20:05No, I'll just have yours.
20:11CHEERING
20:27Did I miss anything?
20:29Well done.
20:34Meanwhile, the Prime Minister is returning from Parliament,
20:37which was opened today by Her Majesty the Queen,
20:40though for an extra 40 quid they could have had Kerry McFarlane.
20:48Prime Minister, here's a summary of the Arab-Israeli conflict.
20:51Thank you.
20:56Do you have a copy of the draft treaty there?
20:58That'll be in the Foreign Secretary's office.
21:00I'll just go and get that for you.
21:02Would you?
21:08Sebastian.
21:09Oh, hello, Gregory.
21:11Were you just spying on us through the keyhole?
21:13No, I was just checking out a faulty knob.
21:17Really?
21:18Hi, Prime Minister.
21:20Hello, Sebastian.
21:25I won't be a moment, Prime Minister.
21:30So you're still taking him to the peace talks?
21:33Could you move down a bit?
21:34Yes, of course.
21:38Yes, he's very up on foreign diplomacy.
21:41I can do that.
21:43I'm up on the foreign thing.
21:46This is very complex.
21:48It's the Arab-Israeli conflict.
21:51It's about reaching an agreement over the Gaza Strip.
21:54I've got an idea.
21:56How about the Israelis have it Monday to Friday,
21:58the other lot have it weekends?
22:00I don't think that's going to work.
22:02Oh, a Tricia special?
22:03I don't think that's going to work.
22:06No, it's on Channel 5 now, isn't it?
22:08It's come right off.
22:10Cheers.
22:11Musical chairs!
22:12How ridiculous.
22:14Oh, she's getting nasty.
22:20Maybe I should just leave.
22:22Yeah, you're the one who should go to Israel with him
22:24because you are so up on the Arab-Israeli conflict
22:26and you are so plainly in love with him.
22:28Oh, dear, I've said it!
22:31Sebastian, please.
22:32I hope you two have a great time.
22:33You're embarrassing yourself.
22:34He doesn't love you, he's just using you for sex!
22:46Unbelievable.
22:48I know.
22:49Ah, where were we?
22:51Oh, I'd like to make an amendment to page 4, paragraph 2.
22:56I don't think the Israelis are going to go for that.
22:58Yes, yes, of course, Prime Minister.
23:01I do love you, Gregory.
23:14I know, Prime Minister.
23:26Have you ever tried cross-dressing?
23:28I did once for about 30 years, but it wasn't really for me.
23:33Good afternoon!
23:34Just a lady out for the baby, that's all.
23:40Don't go too far, Jessica.
23:42OK, Mummy!
23:43Good afternoon.
23:45Not easy being a young mother, is it?
23:47No, no, it isn't.
23:49How old are yours?
23:51Jessica's five and Elliot's six months.
23:53And yours?
23:54Oh, um, just gave birth today.
23:57Just a few hours old, really.
23:59OK, little baby, would you like to see her?
24:01OK, yeah.
24:03Hello!
24:08Isn't she beautiful?
24:10She's really quite something.
24:13Hark at us, two young mothers.
24:16Let's talk about being pregnant and babies and...
24:19Shit.
24:21I just need to feed mine.
24:23And me.
24:30Men, they don't know what we go through, do they?
24:33What's with the long bit of time when it's in your tum-tum?
24:35And then, when it comes out of your lully?
24:38I have a lully. I am a lady. A lady's lully.
24:41Get me one more scotch-egg.
24:43OK, Mummy!
24:45Will you please do this properly, baby Flo?
24:47I think it's my turn to push the pram.
24:49Mummy, why is that man wearing a dress?
24:53And why is the fat man with the moustache dressed as a baby?
24:59Right, I've had enough of this.
25:01Please, baby Flo, I get it.
25:04They grow up so quickly these days.
25:09Baby Flo! Baby Flo!