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Short filmTranscript
00:00["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"]
00:08["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"]
00:38["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"]
00:51Listen, it's urgent. I've got to see E.T.
00:55It's been out two years, Mr. Malvinas. Haven't you seen it yet?
01:00Not the film. I'm talking about E.T. Fairfax, the new head of Global Oil. Your boss.
01:06Okay, Ms. Malvinas. Mr. Fairfax will see you now.
01:20E.T., what is the meaning of this? I've just received this memo.
01:24You want poopy?
01:27In the one day since you inherited Global Oil, you've managed to dispose of assets worth over six billion dollars!
01:36What is this?
01:38All annual profits to be donated to the Brothers of the Soil Commune in Wales, England.
01:46All petroleum and oil to be sold at a retail price of two P a gallon.
01:52All oil wells to be given tax-free to anyone really nice you can find.
02:00What is this, E.T.? Some kind of sick joke?
02:06Hello. Would you like a cup of herbal tea?
02:10No, I do not!
02:12No tea.
02:14Oh, my God, E.T., what are you doing now?
02:19Listen, this company's been doing some pretty heavy things over the years, right?
02:23And it's got to start getting beautiful, or this planet's headed for oblivion.
02:27My God, you're right, E.T. What am I doing wearing these businessmen's clothes?
02:31I've got to take them off before I turn into a computer.
02:34Yeah, yeah, let's make a teepee upstairs.
02:37Yeah, yeah, and you're beautiful. Let's be Indians.
02:41Ooh!
02:43Far out! Do you hear the bells, E.T.?
02:46They're dancing in the streets and loving each other, and it's all thanks to you, E.T.
02:52Ooh!
02:53Shut up, you bastards!
02:56Ooh?
03:02Shut up, you bastards!
03:07Shut up, you bastards!
03:13Oh, no.
03:15Shut up, you bastards!
03:21Shut up! Shut up, please!
03:25Shut down the bloody bells!
03:29Shut down the bloody bells!
03:53Ooh!
04:00Ooh!
04:22Morning, Vivienne.
04:24Piss off!
04:27Vivienne, do you remember anything about...
04:29Will you stop trying to break my concentration, Rick?
04:32I'm trying to get rid of this hangover!
04:36Yes, it was quite a party last night, wasn't it?
04:49Morning, Michael. You're up early.
04:52Yeah, well, I've got all the Sunday papers to get through.
04:57Quite a party last night, wasn't it?
04:59Did we go to a party?
05:01Must have been good. I don't remember it.
05:06I'll, er, just make some tea, shall I?
05:09Aye.
05:10Thought I'd just make some tea.
05:13Let's see. One cup, two cups, three cups, four cups.
05:18Oh, no, we've only got four cups, Mike, and we need five.
05:24I said we need five cups, Mike.
05:26There's another one in the sink, Rick.
05:30I, er...
05:32I expect you're wondering why we needed extra cup, aren't you, Mike?
05:36No.
05:37Yes, well, you and me, Mike, we're men of the world, aren't we?
05:40I mean, Vivienne and Neil wouldn't understand that grown men like us need...
05:45Now, we need two cups of tea.
05:47Yes.
05:48But no, no, I mean, yes, we need two cups of tea,
05:51but we don't drink both of them, do we?
05:53Oh, no, exactly.
05:55The other one's for Trevor.
05:58Trevor?
05:59Yeah, you know Trevor, my friend who lives in the bin.
06:05What, this bin?
06:07Well, he'd hardly live in a biscuit barrel, would he?
06:10Why not? It's full of biscuits.
06:16Ha-ha.
06:18Right, Rick, Rick.
06:19What, what?
06:20Trevor's tea.
06:21Trevor's tea?
06:22Yeah.
06:29Hello, Trevor.
06:31Er, my name's Rick.
06:33Er, yes, hi.
06:35I'm a close friend of Mike's.
06:37I was wondering if you fancied a cup of tea this morning.
06:40Oh, you don't?
06:41Oh, no, he says he's feeling a little bit queasy
06:43and he doesn't think he'll bother.
06:45Er, how'd you go in there, Rick, didn't I, eh?
06:47Ah, talking to an empty bin.
06:49On a Sunday morning.
06:51There's no-one in there.
06:52He's gone to church.
06:54Well, then, I wonder who the extra cup of tea is for.
07:01What use is it when he's scolding me?
07:03I'm just speaking for life.
07:04I am the elephant man.
07:06No, no, I'm sorry about that.
07:08It's just, there's something very freaky going on.
07:10Lick it up.
07:11What?
07:12Lick it up, every last drop.
07:14Now!
07:15Oh.
07:16Oh, no, just hang on a minute.
07:18Has it got any sugar in it?
07:20Yes, a little bit, yes, yes.
07:22Oh, well, I can't, because, like, you know,
07:25sugar rots your teeth and gives you brain damage.
07:27Well, you should have thought of that
07:28before you came stampeding in here
07:29like a long-haired elephant, shouldn't you?
07:31What, you mean like a mammoth?
07:32Yes, no, look, it doesn't matter.
07:34Just get down there and stop licking.
07:35Well, no, actually, Rick, it does matter quite a lot, actually,
07:37because, like, mammoths aren't just long-haired,
07:39they're more like woolly, you know.
07:41Woolly mammoths?
07:42Yes, yes, and?
07:43They're extinct.
07:44Yeah, which just proves what a bad analogy it was in the first place,
07:46because I'm not extinct either, am I?
07:48Just get down there and stop licking.
07:49It's better.
07:50Pig.
07:51Oh, what, so I'm a pig now, too, are you?
07:53Yes, yes.
07:54Now, get licking, porky.
07:58Well, I don't mind being a pig,
08:00because, for your information,
08:01pigs are really intelligent, actually.
08:03Who?
08:04Yeah, like dolphins.
08:06Oh, they are, aren't they?
08:07Well, tell me, Neil,
08:08who invented the internal combustion engine?
08:10Was it Porky the Pig?
08:13I don't think it was, was it?
08:15And the theory of relativity,
08:17was Pythagoras a pig?
08:19It was a glimpse, wasn't it?
08:21So tell me, Neil, you're the expert.
08:23What's the major piggy contribution to civilisation?
08:29It's bacon, isn't it?
08:31It's bacon and booming around in the mud.
08:33Look out, Michelangelo,
08:35here comes the new piggy renaissance.
08:41Good morning, everybody.
08:48I just don't seem to be able to get rid of this hangover.
08:51Well, that'll teach you to mix your drinks.
08:55Excuse me, is this a cheese shop?
08:57No, sir.
08:59Well, that's sketch knackered, then, isn't it?
09:01I said that'll teach you to mix your drinks.
09:03I already know how to mix my drinks, Rick.
09:06Yeah, paint stripper and bleach.
09:08Lethal.
09:10He didn't mean any money.
09:13Oh, by the way, there's a couple of strange girls in the bathroom.
09:18Yeah, I saw one of them.
09:20That's what I was going to tell you about earlier.
09:22That was the really freaky thing.
09:24Oh, don't worry about it, Neil.
09:25She probably got lost on the way to my room.
09:27I very much doubt it, actually, Mike,
09:29because, as a matter of interest, everybody,
09:31the girl in question is with me.
09:35All right.
09:37Hello, hello.
09:40Easter eggs all round.
09:46Hello, everybody.
09:47I'm the Easter bunny.
09:51But it's June the 12th.
09:54What?
09:55It's the middle of summer, big ears.
10:00Oh, God.
10:02Sorry.
10:04Sorry.
10:09I'm really sorry.
10:13What, you mean you, like, scored with a cheek?
10:18Well, of course, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil,
10:21but, yes.
10:24Now, wait a minute, Rick.
10:25I'm the one who gets the girls round here.
10:26There could be a copyright problem.
10:28No, I don't understand.
10:30How?
10:32What's the unconscious?
10:34What, Vivian?
10:35Do I detect a little spark of jealousy?
10:38No, I'm not jealous.
10:39I find the idea of spending a night with you
10:41completely revolting.
10:44You know perfectly well what I mean.
10:46Just because I was the most raunchy and attractive guy
10:48at the party last night.
10:50What do you mean, Rick?
10:51You passed out after half a glass of cider.
10:54Did I? Blimey, that was a bit anarchic.
10:56It just goes to show you, Neil,
10:57even when I'm unconscious, I can pick up the birds.
10:59I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds.
11:02Er, chicks, tasks.
11:03Women, women.
11:05I must be hallucinating.
11:07What's a good thing for a hangover?
11:09Drinking heavily the night before.
11:12Was it like, you know, was it the first time you've...
11:19Listen to this!
11:20Good heavens, how could you think such a thing?
11:22My first time!
11:25What was it like?
11:29You know, it was sort of...
11:34You know.
11:36No, I don't.
11:40Sort of...
11:43sexy.
11:44Oh, God.
11:45I think I'm going to be violently and copiously sick.
11:49Go into, like, really lengthy and vivid detail
11:51about the whole thing.
11:52I'm going to bend over and open my mouth
11:55and wait until the muscles of my alimentary canal
11:58go into spasm.
11:59Oh, not you, Vinnie.
12:01Nick, I want to hear about it, like, blow by blow.
12:04Eh?
12:05Oh, psst!
12:07Well, what can I say?
12:08Have you got a spare couple of days?
12:12Yeah.
12:15Well...
12:17What can I say? It was...
12:19It was amazing.
12:21Pretty amazing, and we did everything.
12:24Like what?
12:28Like, like...
12:29Everything.
12:32At one stage,
12:34she even took her bra off.
12:38So I sort of took my dungarees off and...
12:45There's those girls!
12:47Hello.
12:48Good morning.
12:49Hi, baby. Want to go in my strip club?
12:52Shut up, Mike.
12:53Hello.
12:54I didn't hear you come in.
12:55Oh, I did.
12:59Come in.
13:00Sit down.
13:02Have some breakfast.
13:03Let me introduce you to everybody.
13:04OK.
13:06Last one to find the jungle animal takes off all their clothes.
13:08I found it.
13:12This is Michael.
13:13This is Neil.
13:14Go away, go away.
13:15That's Vivian.
13:17Being sick.
13:19Guys, this is...
13:26Who are you?
13:29Gosh, it's all so casual, isn't it?
13:31It's Vic, it's Vic.
13:32Come on.
13:41A nice day for it, isn't it?
13:44Oh, no, I didn't mean for it.
13:47I mean, it's...
13:48It's a nice day for weather.
13:52Come on, Neil.
13:53Get on with the breakfast.
13:55Honestly, we haven't got all day.
13:57We have.
13:58What?
13:59He's right, Rick.
14:00It's Sunday.
14:01We have got all day.
14:02That can't be the point.
14:03That's not really what I'm trying to say.
14:04What's the matter, Rick?
14:06Nothing.
14:07I'll just go and make the breakfast, shall I?
14:11I know what you're thinking, baby.
14:13And if I was to tell you, you'd think I was talking in centimetres.
14:16I bet you are.
14:18Still, it's almost tonight.
14:19What did you say your name was?
14:21Promise you won't laugh.
14:23It's Helen.
14:28It's awful, isn't it?
14:30Sounds like the sort of name somebody would give to someone
14:32who looks as if they've been to Hell and back, doesn't it?
14:39Seriously embarrassing.
14:42Still, at least my surname isn't Back.
14:47It'd be awful, wouldn't it?
14:48Helen Back.
14:53My surname is Mucus.
14:58Get down a groove.
14:59We dance all day in this house.
15:06Hey, Viv, you dancing?
15:08You asking?
15:09I'm asking.
15:10Well, piss off.
15:12I hope I'm not putting you all out.
15:14No, no, no, no.
15:15God bless you.
15:16God bless you.
15:17I hope you don't mind me spending the night,
15:19but I was desperate for somewhere to sleep.
15:21I'm sorry.
15:22I'm sorry.
15:23I'm sorry.
15:24I'm sorry.
15:25I'm sorry.
15:26I was desperate for somewhere to stay.
15:28When I saw you'd all gone away for the weekend,
15:30I just climbed in through the kitchen window,
15:32found an empty bed and went to sleep.
15:36I...
15:37I...
15:38No.
15:39No, no, no, darling.
15:40No.
15:42It wasn't an empty bed, was it?
15:43Because I was in there, wasn't I?
15:45Were you?
15:47You weren't there when I woke up.
15:50Rick, you bloody liar.
15:52You said you'd done it to her.
15:54He said he'd done it to you.
15:56There's obviously been some ghastly misunderstanding.
16:01Rick is still a virgin.
16:03I'm not.
16:04I'm not. I'm not a virgin.
16:05Virgin. Virgin.
16:06I am not a...
16:07Virgin.
16:09Oh, God.
16:10Rick.
16:12Oh, God.
16:26That'll teach you to cast suspicions on my sexuality, Vivienne.
16:29Now then,
16:30who wants a boiled egg?
16:36I'll have a boiled egg, Rick.
16:38We interrupt this program to bring you an emergency newsflash.
16:41A dangerous and vicious murderess
16:43has escaped from a maximum security jail
16:45and is on the loose in your area.
16:47So, everybody, keep those doors and windows locked.
16:55This is Captain Blood Radio
16:57broadcasting you from 20 degrees south and 45 degrees west
16:59of Dead Man's Island,
17:01on the Spanish Main in the medium wave area.
17:03And the fishing is good tonight
17:05with the time just coming up to...
17:07Two inches.
17:08My name's Billy Blood
17:09and you are listening to the dull religious music program.
17:14Oh, my God.
17:16It should have come to this.
17:23Fletcher.
17:24Uh, no, sir.
17:25Smythe, the bosun.
17:26You're absolutely right.
17:28Can't see a thing with this damn patch on.
17:30Oh, you're a strapping young lad.
17:32Why don't you come and sit at your uncle Billy's knee?
17:35Aye, aye, sir.
17:36Aye, aye, sir.
17:37What the devil do you mean by that?
17:39Is that some sort of a joke to my ocular capacity?
17:41No, no, Captain.
17:42Aye, as I'll show you what we do
17:44within some ordination on my set.
17:47Where's Ender?
17:48Yes, sir.
17:49Ah, there you are.
17:50Take this maggot and flog him.
17:52Very good, Captain.
17:57Oh, oh.
17:58Right, right.
17:59Exceptional.
18:02Well?
18:03I flogged him, sir.
18:04How much did you get?
18:07The only day he ever came to see.
18:09See?
18:10Came to see what?
18:11Huh?
18:12Was he blind?
18:13Uh, no, no, Captain.
18:14I meant to say, say...
18:15Get your head in the door, you fine old cyclops.
18:17Who was that?
18:18That wasn't me, Captain.
18:19That was your parrot.
18:20Parrot?
18:21I don't have a parrot.
18:22Why, I hate the cretins.
18:23Horrible, small, furry things
18:25hopping around, breeding and eating carrots.
18:28Next thing you'll be telling me,
18:30I'm going to talk him down.
18:33We're scabbards.
18:34We're scabbards.
18:35Oh, it's definitely knackered.
18:38I can hear something rattling around inside.
18:41Dear, I am sorry.
18:42I don't know how I managed to spill tea on it from this distance.
18:45Yeah, it was...
18:46It was weird.
18:47You just seemed to, like,
18:48pick up the cup and violently throw it at the radio.
18:52Yes, I am sorry.
18:53I really must apologise.
18:54Oh, don't worry about it.
18:55Neil does it all the time.
18:56He throws cups.
18:57No, he apologises.
18:59Oh, hang on, hang on.
19:00I think I've fixed it.
19:01Good afternoon.
19:02Yeah.
19:03This is the objective
19:04and strictly impartial BBC World Service
19:07operating on behalf of the Conservative Party.
19:11And now, a newsflash.
19:13Ooh.
19:17Dear, fancy on me.
19:18I seem to have done it again.
19:19What can I say?
19:21Well, how about,
19:22oh, Mike, please put your hand up my skirt.
19:28Newsflash, newsflash.
19:30Excuse me,
19:31but I have got rather an important newsflash,
19:33if anybody's interested.
19:34Hey, that's a good idea, yeah.
19:35Why don't we go upstairs for breakfast in bed?
19:39I am not a virgin!
19:41I am not a virgin!
19:42I am not a virgin!
19:43I am not a virgin!
19:44I am not a virgin!
19:45I am not a virgin!
19:46I am not a virgin!
19:47See, we could stay here for breakfast.
19:49I am not a virgin!
19:50I am not a virgin!
19:51I am not a virgin!
19:52All right, all right, all right.
19:53If I'm a virgin,
19:54how come I know what a girl's bottom looks like?
19:57From looking in the mirror.
19:59Looking in the mirror?
20:03You stupid bastard,
20:04I've been trying to tell you for the last ten minutes,
20:06that girl over there with her hands over Mike's ears
20:09is a dangerous murderer.
20:11That's it, baby, treat me rough.
20:13No, no, a murderer.
20:15That's better.
20:16Now, will you listen, please?
20:18No, no, you idiot, I'm your last hope.
20:21Miss me, virgin!
20:22I'm not a virgin!
20:23I am not a virgin!
20:25Hey, I just heard something amazingly heavy on the radio.
20:28I'm not a virgin!
20:29Virgin!
20:30I'm not a virgin!
20:31I am not a...
20:35Oh, no.
20:36The light bulb's gone.
20:38Well, I'm not surprised, considering you smell so much.
20:42Rick, I don't wish to suggest your jokes are predictable,
20:44but there are as yet undiscovered tribes
20:46in the heart of the Peruvian jungle
20:48who knew you were going to say that.
20:52The strange thing is, Rick was right.
20:54That hippie really does pose.
20:57OK, here's a joke for you, Rick, right?
20:59How many people who live in this house, right,
21:01would it take to change one light bulb?
21:04One, me, cos I'm the only person
21:06who ever does anything round here, ever.
21:08Oh, yes? And what about Amazulo?
21:27It's our song, baby, let's dance.
21:31Oh, no!
21:32Got so much love
21:34So much love
21:36Got so much love
21:38So much love
21:40When we're together, the light starts to dimmer
21:44Others move right out of view
21:48The air's just up and turns around around me
21:52The air's just up and turns around around me
21:56We're staying cool cos we are local
21:59Can you put me down now, Vivienne? I'm getting vertical.
22:02Sure, Neil.
22:03Got so much love
22:05So much love
22:07Got so much love for you
22:09And I know it's gonna last
22:15Neil!
22:16Neil!
22:17Are you going to change this light bulb or not?
22:19Cos quite frankly, Neil, me and Mike are getting pretty sick of your laziness.
22:21Yeah, and me.
22:22Yes, and, er, think.
22:29Order a drink cos the last one's about to finish
22:33Moonlight romance, nice to remember
22:37Take my arm as I call up the taxi
22:41Amazulo?
22:42Oh, is that right? I'm a Glaswegian.
22:46Got so much love
22:48Got so much love
22:50Got so much love
22:52Got so much love
22:54Got so much love
22:56Got so much love
22:58Got so much love
23:00Got so much love for you
23:02And I know it's gonna last
23:07Got so much love for you
23:09And I know it's gonna last
23:14Got so much love for you
23:17And I know it's gonna last
23:23Yes, yes, that was very, very sweet, but could you get out now, please?
23:26We're trying to change the light bulb!
23:28Thank you, thank you. When you're ready.
23:32Right.
23:34Oh, stop snivelling, Neil.
23:35Honestly, it's because of you the light bulb went into the first place.
23:38I still don't see why we can't use the stepladder.
23:41Honestly, Neil, of all the stupid ideas!
23:44Don't worry, Neil. We've worked everything out to the minutest detail.
23:47Your angle of trajection, your specific velocity.
23:50Yep. Where to bury you?
23:52Where to bury you?
23:53No, no, no!
23:54Only joking, Neil, only joking. God bless you.
23:56You saw the dummy run we did with the sack of potatoes?
23:58That wasn't a sack of potatoes, Mike. It was a packet of smash.
24:01Yeah, well, everyone knows they're even better than real potatoes. That's exactly what I mean.
24:05Yeah, and what's the problem, Neil?
24:07Because the dummy run was a complete success!
24:10What do you mean, Vivian? The packet was smashed into 15 million pieces.
24:14And every single one of those pieces was smashed into 15 million pieces.
24:18And although at that point I stopped counting, I wouldn't be surprised...
24:21Exactly, Neil! And you are a totally different size and weight to a packet of smash.
24:26So we should be all right.
24:27Please, please, can we get on? What is all the fuss about? It's only Neil, for Cliff's sake.
24:31Right, now, don't worry, Neil.
24:33Now, just remember, as you pass the light fitting, change the bulb.
24:37All right? Ready, guys?
24:38Five, four, three, two...
24:43Don't worry, Neil. That won't affect your overall weight.
24:46Ready, guys? One...
24:52Oh, wow.
24:54Oh, no, this carpet really needs hoovering.
25:00Very strange, but every time I pull at Neil's ankles,
25:03great flakes of crusty skin come off underneath my fingernails.
25:07That's only his cornflakes, Michael.
25:09He keeps them in his socks to stop me from stealing them.
25:12That's nerdy. I just initial mine individually with sticky labels.
25:15That doesn't worry me. I just eat the labels as well.
25:19Come on!
25:23Well, the ceiling may have fallen in, but at least the lightbulb's all right now.
25:26Yeah. Future's safety zone.
25:37Where were we?
25:39Ah, yes. Virgin.
25:41Yeah.
25:45Here we are, baby. Ready for action, ready for fun, ready for loving,
25:48and it's only just gone one.
25:50Gosh, is that the time?
25:51No, time is an abstract concept. That's a wristwatch.
25:54That's ongoing.
25:55Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.
25:57What's two foot long with a big round end?
26:01Don't know.
26:02Nor do I, but I keep finding it in my cornflakes.
26:07Come here.
26:11Now, I'll never know.
26:14Mike, Mike!
26:15Rick's pretend girlfriend's been crushed by a sort of medieval knight.
26:21Foldy-roady-ray-doo-day.
26:24Yeah, that's all very well and groovy, but why the fancy dress?
26:26And who are you?
26:27I'm a knight of the square table.
26:30Square table?
26:31Well, you see, King Arthur doesn't think I'm cool and hip enough
26:34to be on the round table on account of some of my suits of armour have still got flares.
26:39Yeah, well, it can't get squarer than that.
26:41Now, shut up, Mike.
26:45There's nothing wrong with flares.
26:46And also, I'm not really into war at all.
26:49Look, flowers on the end of my lance.
26:53And you know, if I ever have to fight a dragon,
26:55I'd try and look at it from the dragon's point of view.
26:59Oh, that's beautiful.
27:02Hippie knight.
27:05Hippie knight.
27:10Sorry, man. It's my job.
27:12Stymian, where did you get that howitzer?
27:14Found it.
27:15Well, you can just about put it back this instant, young man.
27:17I will, I will.
27:18Just as soon as I've blown you to pieces.
27:27I bet...
27:29in one second...
27:32both my legs will fall off.
27:36All right.
27:38You're on.
27:41One.
27:45That's a pound of potatoes I've already lost today.
27:56Hey, everyone, there's a 20th century pad back there
27:59and they're giving away tansels.
28:01Here, have one.
28:04Stymian, can you tell me what's happening to the rest of the stream?
28:12Memelian, no! Please!
28:14Look, you were right and I was wrong.
28:16I am a virgin!
28:17Not for long, matey.
28:22Look, sorry about your relative, but, you know...
28:24You know what's happened?
28:26He's a bloody sorcerer!
28:28No, honestly, honestly...
28:29I was just wondering, like, where the bus stuff had gone.
28:32You know, where the huff had come from.
28:41Stymian, there's 59 pence compensation for disagreeing with you.
28:45Thank you.
28:46Yes, I'll get the T-shirt printed first thing in the morning.
28:49Guys, guys, quick! Barricade the door!
28:52Lock all the windows!
28:55Pretend to be invisible!
28:57I've just committed a... a bit of a faux pas.
29:01Neil, have you upset the neighbours?
29:03No, Mike, I've blown them up!
29:06You! And who said Sunday was a day of rest?
29:08God did!
29:09That's right! I knew it was some old Tory!
29:12I knew I shouldn't have touched that magpie!
29:15Oh, Neil, God, you're so superstitious!
29:16Anyone would think we were living in the Middle Ages!
29:18I don't want to worry you, but we are.
29:20What?!
29:22Oh, no!
29:23It seems as though, mysteriously,
29:25the whole house has gone through some sort of time warp!
29:30Isn't it all simply enchanting?
29:32It's like one of those wonderful drawings by Weigel
29:34with lots of working-class people
29:36dashing about the place with pitchforks!
29:38Yeah, they look really angry, don't they?
29:40Oh, just think!
29:41No nuclear power, no pollution,
29:43no electric cables ruining the landscape...
29:46Not today!
29:48Oh, no! I'll die if I miss Scooby-Doo!
29:53You're bloody right, Neil!
29:54Everybody panic!
30:08You said panic.
30:09I didn't think you meant hang me.
30:13But...
30:15...potting up in the battle between the TV stations
30:17for higher ratings...
30:19You're very lucky, Neil.
30:21And, of course, the BBC came back
30:23with strip-sex snooker darts on ice...
30:26...with tour villain Dean...
30:29And, of course, ITV immediately came back
30:31with Roland the Rat's TV-AM public executions.
30:35Yeah, cut his head off, yeah!
30:37But now, we have...
30:40Jester Bulaski's Medieval Torture Hour!
30:46Now, medieval torture
30:49And our first torture victim is Gwendolyn!
30:52And our first victim tonight
30:55is Spassbecker the Dull!
30:59Spassbecker the Dull!
31:00Come on, now!
31:03Spassbecker!
31:04Come here! Come here! Come here!
31:06Spassbecker! Spassbecker the Dull!
31:08First in for medieval torture!
31:11Now, are you nervous, Spassbecker?
31:13A little, Jester, yeah.
31:16And, apparently, you're married with one lovely daughter.
31:20That's right, Jester. Gwyneth.
31:22Gwyneth, that's right.
31:24But, unfortunately, she can't be with us tonight, can she?
31:27No.
31:28Because she's not very lovely at the moment, is she?
31:30No.
31:31Because, actually, she's got the plague at the moment.
31:34And her face is one enormous bag of puffs!
31:38That's right, Jester.
31:39In fact, there's quite a funny story attached to that.
31:43Because she wanted to come along tonight,
31:46but her arms fell off!
31:49Now, now, actually, I want you to pay attention,
31:51because we'll be back after this break.
31:57Now!
31:59Now, how would you like to be tortured, Spassbecker?
32:02Would you like some live scampi in your breeches?
32:06Now, would you like your eyes sucked out by a goat,
32:09and then replaced with some hot toffee apples?
32:14That's completely bloody irrelevant anyway!
32:18Here, tell us, Spassbecker, what actually was your crime?
32:22Um, whistling on a Tuesday, Jester.
32:25You bastard!
32:27We've got for you, later on, pro-celebrity torture,
32:31in which Toby Gruntsplatter,
32:34paingiver to the court of King Edward the Optical Illusion,
32:39will be torturing a team comprising of
32:41Dennis Waterman's Show Business 11,
32:45including Sir Geoffrey Chaucer,
32:49Sir Boring Old Fart,
32:52and Helen the Complitely Mad Murderess.
33:00Oh, no! The hall has been surrounded by angry medieval peasants!
33:03Well, I think they're witches, and they're going to burn us!
33:05They're completely trapped! The outlook is bleak!
33:08What are we going to do? What are we going to do?
33:11I don't care!
33:41THE END