Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Once in every lifetime, comes a love like this Oh, I need you, you need me, oh my darling,
00:19can't you see?
00:21Young ones, darling we're the young ones We're the young ones
00:28Shouldn't be afraid
00:31To live, love, there's a song to be sung
00:36Cause we may not be the young ones that belong
00:58Oh, I need you, you need me, oh my darling, can't you see?
01:12Pollution, all around
01:17Sometimes up, sometimes down
01:24But always around
01:30Pollution, are you coming to my town?
01:34Or am I coming to yours?
01:38Ha!
01:39We're on different buses, pollution
01:43But we're both using petrol
01:51Bombs
01:55Ha!
02:06Lads, it's two o'clock in the afternoon
02:12Maybe it's time we got up
02:18Lucky I didn't sleep through the alarm or we'd have missed half the day
02:25All right
02:28Thanks for telling me about the new hole, guys
02:33You say you want a revolution, well
02:40Vivian! Have you been using my Volant deodorant?
02:44There's a revolting hair on it and it's not one of mine
02:48How do you know?
02:50Because I know what mine look like, Vivian, I can see them now
02:54Not the ones on your bum, you can't
02:56Get off your bum
02:58Oh, and I suppose you think that being rude first thing in the morning is a terribly trendy thing to do, do you, Vivian?
03:03Well, it's not
03:05Look, it's probably a hamster hair
03:07It was getting a bit whiffy so I gave him a good going over
03:10And was I consulted, pally?
03:13How does he think I feel, stinking like a student's armpit?
03:16Well, stealing, Vivian, it's common stealing
03:19And if you ever touch it again, ever, I'm going to the police
03:23I will, you know, I will go to the police
03:30Why is it always me that makes the tea?
03:42Oh, wow
03:47It's as if the kettle's killed itself rather than be used by me
03:54Hey, Rick, time is money, right?
03:59And though standing on the landing may be a great song title, to me it's just a tax loss
04:04So make space for the face that forced the abortion issue
04:09Good morning, Michael
04:15It's incredible, isn't it, Mike, that all that one goes to bed, apparently completely free of grit
04:21When you get up in the morning, your bed's always full of bits
04:24That's tough for me to comment, Viv
04:26I can never see my matching undersheet for chicks
04:28Yeah, I'm the same problem with fleas
04:31You see, without my spectacles, fleas and bits are almost identical
04:36Not that a flea's going to be wearing my spectacles
04:40Oh, nice one, Viv, the act's really coming along
04:43Thanks, Mike
04:44Listen, Liv, if I wanted to stand around in corridors, I would have taken a train, OK?
04:50Look, Mike, good morning
04:52Morning
04:53I've got a lecture today and I think my appearance at it is going to be rather important
04:57Rick, it's Saturday
04:58Is it?
04:59Yeah
05:00The only lecture today is Mike's biology class, so make way for the doctor, I've got to scrub up
05:04Yes, but Mike, look, I've got the bathroom router here
05:06Never mind about all that, come here
05:10How do you get five elephants into a mini?
05:12I beg your pardon?
05:14You chop them in half, and you chop them in half again, and you slice them up very finely, and you mash them
05:19Then you scoop them up into plastic bags, you put some in a boot, some on a back seat
05:22And what's left over you put on the passenger seat
05:27Oh
05:29If you'd wanted to talk about it, you should have said you wanted to let off steam
05:35Ha ha, kettle, let off steam
05:38Oh, sorry
05:40Good morning, Neil
05:42Tea ready yet, is it?
05:44Shh, the kettle's had a break down
05:46Oh, no, means we'll have to have raw tea again
05:54Do you want to see a great new trick?
05:56Oh, yeah, yeah, all right, Viv, yeah, yeah
05:58All you've got to do is stand over here, right?
06:00Stand over there, yeah
06:01Looking this way
06:02Look that way, right
06:03Oh, no, close your eyes, actually
06:04Close your eyes, right
06:05OK
06:06Have you got them closed?
06:07Yeah
06:08Have you got them closed?
06:09Yeah, ready
06:11Yeah, yeah, nice one, I get it
06:13Yeah, my husband's friend told that to me the other day
06:16Better get the lentils on, then
06:17I laughed and laughed and laughed
06:19Yeah
06:22I don't think I'm going to be able to make the breakfast without breaking all the plates, Viv
06:27Why's that, Neil?
06:28You see, the lentils are trapped behind this huge mound of teetering crockery
06:34What are we going to do?
06:39I hope we get through to the back of the cupboard this time, Viv
06:45Yeah, yeah, great, great, this one's it
06:51Yeah
06:53Right
07:00Get a bowl
07:03Neil, Neil, the lentils are dripping out all over the stairs
07:09Oh, no, it's cold
07:11Viv, can you get rid of that semolina?
07:17No, it was the bowl I wanted
07:19I didn't know
07:21Get a bowl
07:22Get a bowl
07:23Yeah
07:26Viv
07:28Viv
07:29Yeah
07:30Really quickly, OK?
07:39Yeah
07:45Neil, Neil
07:46Oh, great
07:50Oh, this will never go round
07:52We'll have cornflakes
07:54Cornflakes for breakfast? That's disgusting, Neil
08:0127 minutes and 32 seconds in the bathroom and Mike looks fantastic
08:06Unlike the kitchen, Neil
08:08What is this mess?
08:09Oh, er, well, it's mostly lentils, but there's some crockery mixed in
08:13Er, Mike, Mike
08:15There's a cup of tea in the pot
08:17Oh, yeah, oh, good one, Viv, yeah
08:20He's only improvising, but Shakespeare could have written a script
08:25That's not funny
08:26I could do better than that
08:27Oh, so you're an expert on comedy all of a sudden
08:30Not all of a sudden, I just am
08:32It seems very strange that an expert on comedy should be advertising tents on the back of a cornflakes packet
08:38Look, I'm gay
08:40What?
08:41Tent, camp, gay
08:43Now, you've got to admit it, that is funny
08:46I wish I'd had time for a crap before we started
08:48Yeah, that's all you girls ever think of
08:51Will you shut up and keep smiling?
08:53We're supposed to be the ideal nuclear family
08:55Post-nuclear, more like
08:58Gotcha, Vivian, using my ketchup on your cornflakes
09:03I couldn't get any milk out of the fridge
09:06Why, what are you, a spazzy?
09:09No, there just happens to be an atom bomb in front of the door
09:14That's the most pathetic excuse I've ever...
09:18Wooden Walters!
09:22It's an atom bomb
09:24Oh, no
09:27It's the holocaust
09:31World War 3, heavy, what are we going to do?
09:35Mike!
09:36Hey, hey, turn on the telly
09:38Don't think it, Viv, we need information
09:40No, I want it to watch Afternoon Plus
09:45Well, turn it over then
09:50You might as well try the other one
09:51No, I don't mind
09:58Absolutely pathetic
10:00There's nothing on at all
10:02Don't even know why we bother to pay our licence
10:05We don't
10:07But haven't we got a licence?
10:09No
10:10That makes me a criminal
10:12Right on
10:15This will shake them up at the anarchist society
10:19Occupying the refectory, so what?
10:23This is the real stuff
10:25I'm a fugitive, a desperado
10:29I'm going to form a new union society, right, with me as president
10:32People who don't pay their TV licences against the Nazis
10:37This is only the beginning
10:39What are you going to do, Rick, burn your bra?
10:43Well, someone's got to do it, Vivian
10:46It's very easy to sit on your backside, isn't it?
10:49Not if you haven't got a bottom
10:52That'll be the front doorbell ringing
10:54I bet I know who's got to answer it
10:57Neil, you like meeting people
11:03If I had a penny for every time I had to answer the door
11:06I'd have £5.63
11:12It's probably someone unbelievably boring
11:15Oh, no, it's the TV detector man
11:21Why, you bastard!
11:23Why didn't you buy a licence?
11:25I can't go to prison, I'm too pretty, I'll get reaped
11:28Yeah, steady on
11:29I'm not beaten yet
11:31The time has come for diplomacy
11:33Oh, no, he's asked me if we've got a telly
11:35I don't know what to do, I think I'm going to have to lie
11:38What a bummer
11:40Right, the time for diplomacy is over
11:42Viv, shut the telly out the window
11:45Damn you, quickly, quickly
11:51That I did not expect
11:53Why don't we sneak it out past him into the street?
11:55Yes, yes, yes!
11:57Mike, you go that side, right, and point to the sky and say
12:00Look at that interesting thing up there
12:02You disguise the TV as an old woman and sneak it past him
12:05Suicide may be a great hobby, but I wouldn't do it for a living
12:08Lads, lads
12:10Look, I've told him we haven't got a telly
12:12And I think that's thrown him a bit
12:14But it won't hold him forever
12:17That's good thinking, Neil, keep it up
12:19This is a very tricky spot, but Mike, the call person, will squeeze it
12:22Rick, stop crying
12:23I'm not crying, I've just got something in my eye
12:26Viv, eat the telly
12:31That's a completely brilliant idea, Mike
12:33I've been waiting for this for a long time
12:38It was the other three, not me
12:41I had no idea what was going on, it really was the other three
12:47All right, all right, don't rush me
12:49I mean, that is not such an easy question to answer, you know
12:52Have I got a telly?
12:54There could be a number of, like, different replies, couldn't there?
12:58I mean, I need time to think one up
13:00We know you've got one, we detected it
13:04Oh
13:06So you've just been playing with me all along
13:08Well, it's better to play with yourself
13:11Ho, ho, a cheap sexual illusion makes the world go round
13:14Neil, you haven't introduced me to your new pal
13:17Bastard's the name
13:19But you can call me Right Bleeding, all my friends do
13:22Well, I did
13:23How do you mean?
13:24I killed him, where's your licence?
13:26As the eunuch said to Mussolini, I haven't got one
13:28And if I did, I wouldn't show it to you
13:30It was a really cheap joke, Roy
13:32I'm saving up to pay the licence fine
13:34Tell me you haven't got a plan
13:36I can never resist a challenge
13:37Neil, I haven't got a plan
13:39I hope someone's taken this down
13:41Right, where's this telly?
13:44Aha!
13:46So you do have a...
13:49You little runt
13:55The old trick, eh?
13:57Eat the telly before I get a chance to nick you
14:02It's a toaster
14:06It's a telly, you yobbo
14:09Give it back, I want to nick you
14:12Mr Bastard, Mr Bastard, OK
14:14A toaster or telly, the contents of my colleague's stomach are private property
14:19And if they get damaged in any way, we sue
14:21Well, I can wait
14:24I've dealt with your sort before
14:27Where's your toilet?
14:30Upstairs, just follow your nose
14:33That's right, Neil, tell the fascist where our toilet is
14:38I'm going up there now to wait
14:41I know how to wait
14:43And I promise you, son
14:45When that telly comes out the other end
14:49You're nicked
15:07It's all right, lads
15:09I always poo before I get up
15:14Dear, oh dear, what a balding man
15:17Oh, no, that was really heavy, Rick
15:21Oh, what's this?
15:23It was the other three, not me
15:25Give me that!
15:27Oh, that's very nice, isn't it?
15:29Trying to blame us three and save yourself
15:31It's all right, Michael, I'll tear it up
15:34Disgusting
15:37Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
15:51Bastard
15:53I think it's a toaster for you
15:57Burn!
16:02Brilliant
16:07Stop!
16:17Amazing!
16:19The most crazy things happen in this nutty place
16:22You know, sometimes I really wish that I was a fly on the wall
16:26I suppose that I would, too, if I wasn't one already
16:30Who are you?
16:32We're just the fly-on-the-wall documentary film crew, OK, lad?
16:36We're just making a short film about what it's really like to be a fly on the wall
16:41So, probably the best thing is if you can just imagine we're not here, OK?
16:45Just carry on with your normal daily business
16:47I see
16:48And, cue question, Marcus
16:50What's it like being a fly on the wall?
16:53Oh, er, well, it's overrated
16:58I'll tell you something really dirty
17:02Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
17:05Gah! Pesky little things
17:08Why do you always let so many flies in this place, Neil?
17:10Never mind about that, Rick
17:12Seriously, we ought to do something about this bomb
17:15I'm going upstairs to get the incredibly helpful and informative Protect and Survive manual
17:21Nobody better touch this while I'm gone
17:24Why won't it go off, Mike?
17:31Why do you want it to go off?
17:36Who can tell?
17:37I can tell, and I'm telling you to stop!
17:39Just ignore him, Mike. It's time to show off!
17:42I'll tell you something. If we took this baby to the Greengrocers, we'd come away with more than a packet of tea.
17:49Are you suggesting that we make a puppet out of nuclear arms?
17:53Yes.
17:54Oh, I think that would be very fine behaviour for a Cliff Richard fan, wouldn't it?
17:59For someone who actually thinks the lyrics of Devil Woman have got something to say.
18:04If we sold this bomb, you could buy Cliff Richard.
18:08Will you stop it?
18:14What I need is the drill, the hedge trimmers, and some ordinary household bleach.
18:24Well, I'm going to tell Thatcher that we've got a bomb, and that if she doesn't do something to help the kids by this afternoon, we're going to blow up England!
18:34A social conscience is like a garden shed. You try and eat it, it will stick in your throat.
18:40Point one. Abolish poverty. Point two. Abolish capitalism. Point three. Dex's Midnight Runners playing free, daily, in the university library.
18:50Well, I told it to set up in our lavatory.
18:55Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da
19:25Oh, I never knew it could be this way
19:30To the like-a-like, to the like-a-like, to the like-a-like, to the like-a-like, to the like-a-like, to the like-a-like, oh
19:41I'm in heaven
19:45I'm in heaven
19:55When you smile, when you smile, when you smile, when you smile
20:02And when you walk across that street and it makes my heart go boom, boom, boom, boom
20:10Feel, feel
20:14And every time I stop to think about it, well, driving simply makes my day a little more calm down
20:23Oh, let it all calm down, let's go
20:28To the like-a-like, to the like-a-like, to the like-a-like, to the like-a-like, to the like-a-like, to the like-a-like, oh
20:39I'm in heaven
20:43I'm in heaven
20:53When you smile, when you smile, I'm in heaven
20:59I'm in heaven
21:06When you smile, when you smile
21:24Why won't you let me set off the bomb, you bastards?
21:31No, I'll operate the Gaddafi
21:35G-A-D
21:40Yeah, all right, all right, I'll hang on
21:43Thatcher, Thatcher
21:46Thatcher
21:50Simply because he's got about 400 different phone numbers
21:54Useless
21:57You're going to be long, Mike
21:58I want to start blackmailing Thatcher with our bomb
22:00I tell you, this is going to be bigger than the biggest thing you could think of
22:05I notice you haven't written the call-down in the book, Mike
22:09That's very interesting, isn't it, really?
22:12You see, we've got this book here that we write down the calls that we make in
22:17I suppose you forgot, did you?
22:19Well, I wonder how many other times you've conveniently forgot
22:22Rick, what are you talking about? This is a pay phone
22:28Well, yes, but it's the principle of the thing, really, which is...
22:31Forget all about that
22:33What do you mean you haven't got the Libyan phone book?
22:35I pay my rent, don't I?
22:37You're sick, Mike
22:38If people weren't sick, we wouldn't need penicillin
22:43I'm going to the phone book
22:50Neil, could you let me... What are you doing?
22:52Oh, er, painting myself white to deflect the blast
22:58That's great, isn't it?
23:01That's great. Racial discrimination, even in death
23:05What are these?
23:06Oh, sandbags
23:10Come on, give me five pence, Neil
23:11Oh, so you remember my name when it's time to borrow some money
23:15Give me it!
23:19Have you got two twos and a one?
23:23Er, no, I haven't
23:26Well, how do I know I'm going to get it back?
23:28I mean, I don't want to seem like a really heavy breadhead
23:33You know, like, five p is five p
23:36Look, Neil, it's important to me, that's enough
23:39You're putting me in a really difficult situation
23:42I'd like to lend it to you, Neil, but it's like five p
23:45Oh, hey, shut up, Neil, shut up, shut up
23:48Will you lend it to me if I promise to be your slave all day tomorrow?
23:53Yeah, that sounds like a good deal, yeah
23:56Tough luck, buster!
24:00I've had my fingers crossed behind my back all along
24:05I won't say anything, cos no-one ever listens to me anyway
24:09Might as well be a Leonard Cohen record
24:19So you're sending someone round straight away, right
24:25All right, Reggie Balofsky
24:27All right, me old trout and toolbox, how you doing, here you are
24:31Here's me card, Reggie Balofsky, international arms dealer, scrap metal merchant and French cabaret chanteuse
24:38Is that the atom bomb, then, is it, eh?
24:42Ooh, nah
24:44Not in that colour, you know what I mean?
24:48See, that bomb, to me, it's worth, well, a pony, you know
24:51A couple of tortoises at the most, you know what I mean?
24:55If you was doing Port X on a mini Metro, you know what I mean, right?
24:59Well, it'll take about nine million off your hands, but, um, as it is, you know what I mean?
25:03So I can't help you, really, still I've got a few minutes
25:05I might as well indulge in a bit of Cockney patois, you know what I mean?
25:08Go on, blimey, knock it on the head, do what, as it happens
25:12Didn't you kill my brother?
25:14No, it must have been me, then, sorry, anyway
25:17Have you seen them new inflatable bridges? Cool, they're amazing, aren't they?
25:21Skateboards, finger the past, yeah, absolutely
25:23Do leave off, knock it on the head
25:25I don't know who I am
25:27Laugh, laugh, I nearly went to Ethiopia
25:31Second class, of course
25:34You know what I mean?
25:35Not really, no, Richard
25:37You're a right little five-speed gearbox, aren't you, eh?
25:40Here, I'll tell you what, right, I'll tell you what
25:42Come outside, I'll do you Port X on a Reliant, right?
25:47Reliant, eh? Oh, just get me a coat
25:49Reliant, that's a three-wheeler, isn't it?
25:51Usually, yeah, yeah, yeah
25:57No, no, don't do it, don't do it, anyway
26:07You know who they are playing for, don't you?
26:09The kids
26:10Oh, that'll stop the rioting, old ladies
26:18Oh, hi there
26:20Glad you could make it
26:22I'll be with you in just one moment
26:27Oh darn, you should have been here earlier. I hold and won. Mind you, I was playing pinball
26:38in the clubhouse. You see where my ball went? Here comes trouble.
26:45Hey Johnny, Johnny's food. Dicky, I haven't seen this guy since rehearsal. Hey Dino, I didn't know you were taking up golf. My coach says I haven't. Yet. Hey, you got a coach? Pull me up. Oh come on Dicky, are we gonna play golf or who?
27:12Hey Zieg Heil. Hey Marsha, take a hike. I gotta tell you this Dicky, I was with Bob and Frank the other day. I got a birdie on the 14th. Why Dino, that's terrific. Yeah, but I was driving for the 10th. You remember that song you used to sing before you got shot in the neck? You wanna sing that song right here on my show?
27:40Dino, I'd love to, but I never sing in slacks. No problem. For the little Dino magic.
28:10Hey Dino, I understand that you have a dog. That is right. Tell me Dino, what are you doing with this dog these days? I'm tying my dog to the railroad track. Uh-huh. Choo-choo train's gonna break his back. We used to call him Spot. Yeah, but now he's called Splat. That's the kind of person we are. Oh baby, won't you come home with me?
28:41Next please.
28:55Come on, come on. There's other people in this queue besides yourself, you know. I don't know, the service in this place seems to get worse and worse, don't you think? Aye lad, you're right. Things certainly were different before these newfangled changes. Well of course they were, you senile old gator. They wouldn't be changing, would they?
29:18I was only agreeing. Oh yes, I suppose things were pretty marvellous in the good old days, weren't they? Four year old kiddies digging coal. Three year old kiddies digging coal as well as the four year old kiddies. I suppose you think that was permitted, don't you? Well I've got news for you. I think old people are really boring. And the only reason you don't understand our music is that you don't like it.
29:42I mean, it's no wonder the country is in such a state. I don't know why they don't just be honest and hand the whole place over to Oxfam. Nothing but strangers and horrid old people, worksite layabouts, all wandering around clutching their gyros trying to get something for nothing.
30:01Oh yes, the post office seems to be very good at handing out other people's money, doesn't it? No wonder my grant's so small. I suppose the next thing will be rows and rows of little Biafran children all queuing up for a bowl full of millet before they become communists. Excuse me, I think I was first. Hello.
30:18Can I help you? That depends what I want, doesn't it? Ha! Completely over her head, of course. I want to send a telegram. Good. Well, if you'd just like to fill in this form, I can serve the gentleman behind you. Can I help you, dear? Wait a minute, wait a minute. He's behind me? Yes, but you... I had to wait. Why can't he?
30:40I took a hand out of you. Look, just don't... Can't you just wait a minute? I'm running very long.
30:46That's her. We've got a bomb. Do... Do you mind? I'm trying to write. Do what we want, or we'll blow it up. Signed, Anon. Right there, see? Didn't take very long, did it?
31:05You put my name and address on it. Rick, 15 Credibility Street. That's... that's Rick. Wick. Oh, forget it, put Neil. Yes, put Neil. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, ma'am.
31:20OK, Mr Neil, thanks. By the way, you have come to the wrong place. This is the DHSS. If you want to send a telegram, you should go to the post office. Fascist!
31:31OK, Neil. Where's the table?
31:37Oh, hi, Mike. You got the provisions? Great, great. You know, John Lennon once said, a man with an arm full of takeaways is either very hungry or knows someone who's very hungry.
31:52Yeah. Mike says a man with both arms full of takeaways has got warm grease running up both sleeves.
31:58Now, I've been trying to sell our bomb to all the main undercover agents in town. Now, the CIA are interested, the mafia's interested, and the Chinese are falling over themselves.
32:11Oh, no, no, not on the roof, man. Put it in the food zone. Anyway, it's got to be tinned if it's going to last ten years of fallout.
32:19No, Neil, no, you don't understand. I'm expecting that phone to start ringing and the world to start bidding any second now.
32:25Well, they'd better hurry up, because Vivian's escaped.
32:38Missed!
32:43Well, that's that done, anyway. This time tomorrow, everyone in England will be free and there's going to be no more social prejudice or hatred.
32:51Get up, Neil, I hate you!
32:54That's done, anyway. Done, anyway. Done what?
32:57Yeah, done what, Pimpy?
32:59Told Thatcher about our bomb, you bunch of lavishly bulls.
33:04Rick, I'm dealing with the bomb.
33:06You? Ha! You hypocritical Nazi!
33:09Oh, shut up!
33:11Oh, shut up yourself!
33:12Oh, shut up yourself!
33:22Now, this could be very, very heavy for all of us.
33:25What are we going to do, Mike?
33:27Mike, the cool person stays steady as a rock while all around him is chaos. He checks his reflection. That's good.
33:34That's very good. That's the only way to go.
33:38I hope this isn't a dud.
33:40I know, drape Neil over it. He might sort of cuddle up the blast.
33:45There's no time. Quick, under the shelter.
33:52I've got a gun and I'm not afraid to use it.
34:09Up, up, and run away!
34:39Oh, no!
35:09Oh, no!