The Young Ones S01 E06 - Flood
Transcript
00:00Dominus ad nauseum! Dominus ad nauseum! Dominus ad nauseum! Dominus ad nauseum!
00:17Dominus ad nauseum!
00:22Be this the pit, Master Gravedigger?
00:25Ay, it is your holiness.
00:27It is the finest pit we have dug this morrow, for it is in truth the only one.
00:35Then let the punishment commence. Where is the prisoner?
00:40Here, sir.
00:41Then cast him down, Master Soldier.
00:48No, no, in the pit.
00:51Very good, Master.
00:54Who is this fellow?
00:56That's you, Master.
00:58No, no, in the pit.
01:00Very good, Master.
01:03Who is this fellow in the pit?
01:06That's me, Master.
01:11Master Prisoner, dost thou know the crime of which thou hast been found guilty of?
01:18Yes, your holiness.
01:20Of?
01:21Yes, your holiness.
01:24Well, what be that crime?
01:29Being Scottish and Jewish, two racial stereotypes for the price of one, perhaps the best value in the graveyard this morning.
01:39Perhaps not.
01:41Incidentally, let me say how pleased I am to be here at the graveyard,
01:47where so many other comedians have died before me.
01:52Why not?
02:03I've just seen the most amazing thing in the garden.
02:07Neil biffed himself in the face with a flying pan.
02:10Rick, you've been looking out of that window for three hours now.
02:13Yes, well, it's hardly surprising, is it?
02:15Vivian put super glue all over the pain.
02:17Did I? That was a good joke.
02:20I'll probably be disfigured for life, Vivian, and you'll have to pay.
02:23Yeah, and then I'll be laughing.
02:25Not you, matey, that's for sure.
02:27Yeah, well, just don't break the glass when you tear your face off, that's all.
02:30I won't. I won't, because...
02:34It's not true.
02:36It was a joke I made up, and you fell for it like the fascists you are.
02:41God, I'm bored. Might as well be listening to Genesis.
02:48Mallow.
02:52Meringue.
02:56Boomerang.
03:00Long, blue... Oh, shut up!
03:02Boomerang. I'm trying to freeform.
03:04I'm trying to reign. Oh, really?
03:06I learned how to do that years ago.
03:10And what is it you're reading, Vivian?
03:12Bit of Petrarchian versus it?
03:14Little bit of French drama?
03:16It's called...
03:21That's my bloody comic!
03:23Give it back! No, Vivian, it's mine!
03:26Anyway, there's no point reading comics.
03:28They're stupid.
03:30They treat the kids as if they were...
03:32Well, as if they were, you know, kids.
03:34Nothing but war in them.
03:36War! War! Bloody war!
03:38Why can't they have stories about love and peace?
03:41Because it's sissy, you girly!
03:43I'm not being girly, Vivian.
03:45Longing for a peaceful world is not being girly.
03:47It is! It's being soppy and very, very girly!
03:50I am not being gir...
03:52Look, this entire discussion is completely sexist anyway,
03:54and I don't intend to continue it.
03:58But, for your information,
04:00it is not soppy of me to long for a world
04:02where a man will love his brother.
04:05Poof!
04:08You're deliberately trying to provoke me, aren't you?
04:10Yeah!
04:12For one man to love another, Vivian, is not poofy.
04:14It's actually very beautiful.
04:16It's only when they start touching each other's bottoms
04:18that it gets...
04:21I'm going to tell Mike and Neil
04:23that you said you love men.
04:25Hey, Mike! All I said was that this comic
04:27is a reactionary militarist pamphlet.
04:29All they ever do is fight all the time.
04:31And what's so wrong with that?
04:33I suppose you think we should all go around
04:35touching each other's bottoms.
04:37Touch his amicons' bottoms.
04:39It's such a new story.
04:41Batman gooses the Joker's head off.
04:43All right. All right.
04:45All right. What's this?
04:49But it ain't poofy.
04:51No, that's a piece.
04:53What's this?
04:55That's my bottom, isn't it?
04:57They're two completely different things.
04:59Well, can I have the comic, then?
05:01No, it's mine. I paid for it, and I intend to read it.
05:08Five past 11, and it's still raining.
05:12I wonder how hard it is.
05:14I think it's probably not very hard,
05:16seeing as how it's only made of water.
05:20I'm going to find out anyway.
05:29It's only splitting.
05:32Oh, God, this stuff is so reactionary.
05:35Why can't they show us some real heroes?
05:45You gay black bastards.
05:47We're going to victimise you.
05:49Oh, no.
05:51Who can help us now?
05:53Oh, no.
05:55People's Poet.
05:57Gosh, People's Poet.
05:59Gosh, People's Poet.
06:01Is it really you?
06:03Yes, it is.
06:05And you pigs are in for a pretty big shock.
06:07Right on.
06:11What do you think you're doing, pig?
06:13What?
06:15Do you really give a fig, pig?
06:17Bye.
06:19And what's your favourite sort of gig, pig?
06:21Barry Manilow?
06:23Or the Black and White Minstrel Show?
06:25Fuck off!
06:27People's Poet.
06:29Now the pigs won't hassle us now on the streets anymore.
06:51Hey, Neil.
06:53Yes, Mike?
06:55You know I keep hitting myself in the head with the frying pan, don't you, Mike?
06:57No, I don't.
06:59Oh.
07:01Where's my breakfast?
07:03Yeah, where's the bloody vindaloo, hippie?
07:05You said you'd go to the shops two hours ago.
07:07Oh, come on, guys. It's always my turn to go to the shops.
07:09So why haven't you gone?
07:11Well, it's raining. My hair will lose its shape.
07:13Anyway, I haven't got any money.
07:15There's plenty of money in the kitty.
07:17Yeah, but he's constipated, isn't he?
07:19Well, let's open him up, then.
07:21There he is, Vivian. Get him!
07:23What vegetables are there? Peas!
07:25Five peas, ten peas, fifty peas.
07:27My wife, she's a terrible cook, though.
07:29Well, she would be. She's dead.
07:31I was having a meal with her the other night.
07:33What if... Oh!
07:35Did you get him?
07:37No.
07:39But he's left a little present on the mat.
07:43OK, guys.
07:45What do we need?
07:47Neil, you know exactly what I need,
07:49cos all my stuff is marked with sticky labels.
07:51All sorts of stuff with the sticky labels
07:53with Rick written on it.
07:55Yes. Oh, sod it! I'm very sorry, Rick.
07:57I didn't know. I thought it was mine
07:59and I've eaten it every last bit.
08:01Look, guys, I know exactly whose food's who, right,
08:05cos I do all the shopping round here
08:07and I do all the cleaning.
08:09My function round here, I might as well be your mothers.
08:11Excuse me, we don't hate our mothers.
08:13All right, so most metaphors
08:15don't bear close examination.
08:17Anyway, for example,
08:19this glob of green mould on a saucer is Rick's.
08:21Yes, and I've spat on that, Vivian,
08:23so I wouldn't advise you eat it.
08:25The urine sample and the super moose are Viv's.
08:27Yeah, yeah.
08:29My potion as well.
08:31What potion?
08:33It's a potion I've invented,
08:35where when the patient drinks it,
08:37he turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac.
08:39It's basically a cure
08:41for not being an axe-wielding homicidal maniac.
08:43The potential market's enormous.
08:45Well, is this it?
08:47Yeah, yeah, I put it in a Coke can
08:49so nobody'd drink it by mistake.
08:51You know,
08:53I just bet a bit later on
08:55somebody does drink that
08:57and turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac.
08:59Yes, yes, I bet that as well.
09:01That's just a sort of crazy imaginative thing
09:03that happens around here, isn't it?
09:05That's it, isn't it?
09:07Well?
09:09Well what, hippie?
09:11Well, what do we need?
09:13Look, we need everything except urine samples,
09:15and super moves.
09:17Everything.
09:19Lentils, wallpaper...
09:21Look, just get to the shops!
09:45Nothing yet, hippie.
09:47Nope, nope, nothing.
09:51Well, there must be something.
09:53Nope.
09:55Not a sausage.
09:59Why won't you let me take the lens cap off?
10:01Because they're not real binoculars.
10:05What's the point taking them off?
10:07Well, why can't we have a real pair
10:09of binoculars for a change?
10:11Because then the aliens would know
10:13that we're watching them, wouldn't they?
10:15But we're not watching them.
10:17Yes.
10:19But they're not to know that, are they?
10:23This may sound like a stupid question.
10:25Lip, nip, nip, nip, nip.
10:29Yes, it does.
10:33Look, what are we really doing here?
10:35Really.
10:37Look, don't ask me.
10:39Ask the Manpower Services Commission.
10:41Is that a milkman?
10:45No.
10:47Good. Pass me the milk bottle.
10:53It's pissing down now.
10:55OK.
10:57That's just about the bloody limit.
10:59I mean, I only put it in there on Wednesday.
11:01It's not as if they grow on trees or anything like that.
11:03Rick, what have you lost?
11:05I had half an apple in there.
11:07All right, owner, who's taken it?
11:11What were you doing?
11:13Saving it for teacher?
11:15Trying to keep the doctor away?
11:17If he's anything like you, yes!
11:23Did you take it, Mike?
11:25Well, if you're going to sin, you might as well be original.
11:27What's that supposed to mean?
11:29I don't know.
11:33Well, I'm going to look in your bin for the pips.
11:37He shouldn't do that.
11:39Why not?
11:41There's a lion tamer in my bedroom.
11:49On flat, six.
11:53Flasher.
11:55Flasher, four.
11:57Flasher, here. Flasher.
11:59Flasher.
12:01On flat.
12:03Flasher, on flat.
12:05On flat.
12:07Flasher, on flat.
12:09Mark, six.
12:23I've never seen rain like this.
12:25Well, where's breakfast, then?
12:27Oh, no.
12:29I knew I went out for something.
12:31Neil, if your head was on strike,
12:33you couldn't even pick at your nose.
12:35I'm starving, you bastard.
12:37Yes, so you keep saying,
12:39Why don't you put your money where your mouth is and go to the shops yourself?
12:41Yes, do you?
12:43Because I don't want my forehead to rust.
12:45A little rain never hurts anybody.
12:47Anyway, you can take your stupid car.
12:49I could if it was tied down properly.
12:53Hey, look at the water out there.
12:55No, we're never going to get to the shops.
12:57Hey, Neil, can I have a look at your tonsils?
12:59What, do I sound ill?
13:01No, no, no. I just want to put myself off breakfast.
13:03Oh, for heaven's sake!
13:05Why can't we all start to behave like civilised people?
13:07I mean, we are students, after all.
13:09We're old enough to vote.
13:11We're old enough to do things to girls.
13:13We can go to prison. We can drive.
13:15Last week, I even got into an X film, for Christ's sake.
13:17So how about
13:19finding some nice adult pursuit
13:21to keep us going until the rain stops?
13:23Michael?
13:2923, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30.
13:3131, 30.
13:4967, 80...
13:512,500! Coming!
13:53Ready or not!
13:55Thank you, Mike!
13:57What are you having?
13:59What?
14:01Listen, I'm the best at playing games in this house,
14:03so you better go and find the others first.
14:05I'm sorry, Mike.
14:07It's all right, it's all right.
14:09Just come back in five minutes when they've lost a game.
14:15It's a great hiding place, Mike.
14:21Oh, for heaven's sake, Vinnie, I found you!
14:23Why won't anybody play this game properly?
14:25Look, I haven't started hiding yet, have I?
14:27Well, would you mind doing it now, please?
14:29I'll give you five.
14:33Five!
14:37Bastard!
14:53Look, Your Majesty,
14:55that's a young fawn.
14:57That's not a fawn.
14:59That's a man-child, son of Adam.
15:01His presence signals danger.
15:03It's the prophecy.
15:05Silence!
15:07We must question him.
15:09Hello, little boy.
15:11What's your name?
15:13Vivian!
15:15What a lovely name.
15:17Come, sit next to me, child.
15:19Have some Turkish delight.
15:21What?
15:23Spotted!
15:25It's not me!
15:27That's revolting.
15:29That's revolting!
15:31People like you should be put in little boxes
15:33tied up with string and left in
15:35small, dark rooms without any electricity.
15:37Who says?
15:39For a month.
15:41Who says?
15:43She does.
15:45That's a lie, Shirley.
15:47Shirley, is that your name?
15:49No, I never heard of anyone with that name.
15:51Would you like some Turkish delight, my child?
15:53Not particularly.
15:55You got any kebabs?
15:57You eat the Turkish delight
15:59or you'll find yourself in the rockery
16:01holding a fishing rod.
16:03Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry, actually.
16:05You see, I'm trying to hide from someone.
16:07You haven't seen a rugby sociology student
16:09being chased by a lion, have you?
16:11A lion?
16:13Well, if you do, don't tell him I'm hiding
16:15in this tree over here, OK?
16:17I command you to wait.
16:19Stop him, Shirley.
16:21Your Majesty, he said a lion.
16:23It's a prophecy.
16:25Ah!
16:27What is the bloody point?
16:29All right, Lillian, I give up.
16:31Kelly, behind you!
16:35You bloody cheat!
16:37I thought we said no hiding in the cellar.
16:39Then what are you looking in the cellar for?
16:41I'm not looking for you, actually.
16:43I just came down here to tell you
16:45that it's not a bloody childish game any more.
16:47What do you mean?
16:49It was your idea to play hide-and-seek.
16:51It was a joke. I was playing another joke on you.
16:53And ha-ha-ha, because you fell for it.
16:55But how do you fall for it?
16:57Because while you were counting to 100,
16:59I went up to your bedroom
17:01and set fire to your sociology file.
17:11Ha-ha-ha-ha!
17:15Ha-ha-ha-ha!
17:21Ah! Ah!
17:25Lads, lads, come quickly.
17:27Rick's bedroom's on fire.
17:29Quiet! Quiet! Come on!
17:33Ah! Ah, you've hit my button!
17:37Hello? Hello, boys?
17:39It's James Zabolowski, your landlord.
17:41Come for the party with the tremolo record, boys.
17:43Hello, boys?
17:45Anybody home? Hello?
17:47Oh, nobody home.
17:49Oh, Coca-Cola, symbol of free west.
17:51Oh.
17:53Oh, I like Coca-Cola.
17:55Mmm.
17:57Ah!
17:59Oh, tastes good.
18:01Hello, boys?
18:03Hello? Ah!
18:05Hello? Hello?
18:07Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.
18:09Boys, where are you? Boys?
18:11Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
18:13Boys, hello?
18:15Where are you? Hello, boys?
18:17Where are you?
18:21I was just hiding there in the wardrobe, right,
18:23and it was getting really hot,
18:25and then suddenly I thought,
18:27oh, no, I forgot to put out
18:29that sociology essay that was burning on Rick's desk.
18:31Yeah, I started that,
18:33trying to make Rick think I was hiding in his bedroom.
18:35What? You set fire to Rick's bedroom?
18:37I think that's a really selfish thing to do, Vivien.
18:39I was hiding in there.
18:41You could have given me away.
18:43Help! Help!
18:45Call the firemen!
18:47Ah! Help!
18:49Call the firemen!
18:51Ah!
18:59Well, that was quick.
19:01Well, super.
19:03Perfect. Lovely.
19:05Wonderful.
19:07Oh, Vivien, big tick. A-plus.
19:09Ten out of ten. Go and see Maitre and get another bit of tuck.
19:11Bloody great, isn't it, Vivien?
19:13Just think, I won't have to put my...
19:15my bed in the toaster now.
19:17Anyone got a light?
19:19Oh, blooming flip. Sorry, Mark. Silly old me.
19:21I did have one, but I went and put it out.
19:23I'm such a twit. Slap, slap, slap.
19:25Hey, Rick, you've got a fish sticking out of your shirt.
19:27I hate sharks.
19:29Don't be stupid, Neil. That's not a shark.
19:31No, but that is.
19:33That is the most completely brilliant thing I've ever seen.
19:35A flying shark!
19:37Vivien, sharks don't fly.
19:39Oh, wow.
19:41That's what those sirens must have been.
19:43Of course. Shark warnings.
19:45I don't want to be a wet blanket or anything,
19:47but if this house is a bottle, I'm the one with the message.
19:49What do you mean, Mike?
19:51Simple.
19:53London has flooded.
19:55Oh, well, well.
19:57We'll all probably get drowned or eaten by octopuses then.
19:59What?
20:01Phone the police!
20:03But they're fascists.
20:05I never mind about that now!
20:07Just phone Vivien!
20:21House broken.
20:27What's going on, boys?
20:29Hello?
20:31Hello?
20:33Boys? Anybody home?
20:35Hey, don't switch on the media!
20:37This might be a public information bulletin.
20:39And exactly how long have you been in the music biz?
20:41Since lunchtime.
20:43I was working in a well-known lingerie
20:45in the King's Road this morning.
20:47Malcolm McMoney came in and liked the look of me.
20:49Right.
20:51It all sort of took off for me.
20:53And was it his idea that you should amputate your arms?
20:55Originally, yeah.
20:57But I could see the validity of the idea in the beginning.
20:59In what way?
21:01Well, my music's all about urban alienation, apparently.
21:05What?
21:07Hey, what's going on in here?
21:09I can't swim!
21:11I can't even see!
21:13Look, you do it.
21:15Why was I thinking about this?
21:17I'm really new!
21:19That's just typical of you, Vivien.
21:21The house is under 50 feet of water,
21:23and what do you do?
21:25Build a submarine.
21:27There's no room for me in there, is there?
21:29No.
21:31Good.
21:33Of course there isn't any room in it for you.
21:35Why should there be any room in it for you?
21:37I want to see you drown.
21:39And if I want to see you drown,
21:41why should I build a submarine with room enough for you in it?
21:43Stupid!
21:45I'm not even taking SPG along.
21:47Is that right? We'll see about that, Polly.
21:51Bastard!
21:53Vivien, man,
21:55you broke your own submarine.
21:57You bastard!
21:59I've shown you a great deal of consideration over the years,
22:01but this is the end of my life!
22:03You're going out
22:05and play with the sharks!
22:13Hello. Are you lunch?
22:15Is that you?
22:17You're great. I've seen all your films.
22:19Could I have your autograph?
22:21It's a bore, I know,
22:23but, you know,
22:25I'd miss it if they didn't ask.
22:27Anybody?
22:29Hello? Hello?
22:31Hello?
22:33Hello?
22:35Hello?
22:37Hello?
22:57Hey, wouldn't it be terrible
22:59if we ended up having to eat each other?
23:01Like those sailors did
23:03in that film, um...
23:05If we ended up having to eat each other?
23:09Yes, I suppose it would, Neil,
23:11except that we don't happen to have any dead sailors
23:13lying around the place.
23:15Or perhaps we do. Perhaps I just haven't seen them.
23:17Perhaps I should buy myself a white stick!
23:19Just say... Get locked in!
23:21All right, all right, all right.
23:23As usual, Mike, the cool person,
23:25comes up with a solution in times of trouble,
23:27and even trouble with a capital T.
23:29This is, as they say,
23:31the moment of not telling too many lies.
23:33Are you with me?
23:35No, not at all!
23:37The definition of hunger.
23:39Too many guys, not enough food.
23:41All we've got to do is change the ratio.
23:43And Neil's come up with the answer.
23:45There's only one problem.
23:47Who's going in the pot?
23:53Me!
23:55No, Kim, it's a joke.
23:57Give me that.
24:01Just my luck, I'm supposed to get the shortest straw.
24:03Mind you, it's pretty uncool
24:05of the guys not to show me theirs, but there you go.
24:07Oh, hi, guys. Yeah, come in.
24:09Sit down, yeah. Oh, do you want to play some records?
24:11Oh, look, guys, guys,
24:13I've just remembered I've got something
24:15really important to do, you know, so goodbye.
24:17No time for that, Neil. We're hungry.
24:19Oh, look, he's really scared!
24:21Really scared, scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat,
24:23sitting on the doormat.
24:25We'll have a little bit of it.
24:29Hold it, hold it, hold it!
24:31Hold it like that and you get a nice clean cut.
24:33Vivienne? Yeah?
24:35Vivienne, could I have an anaesthetic?
24:37Course you can!
24:39Oh, no, wait, wait, wait.
24:41Look, Mike,
24:43is it time for a last cigarette?
24:45I don't see why not, yeah.
24:51All right.
24:53All right.
24:55I've got Vivienne's leg there, Mike.
24:57Oh, no, no, no!
25:01Here's
25:03Jetsy!
25:05He's Mr. Milovsky!
25:07How did he get in here? Well, you could eat him instead, actually.
25:09Little pigs! Little pigs!
25:11Let me in!
25:13Boys and girls come out to play
25:15on the busy motorway!
25:17Let me in!
25:19Jetsy wants to play hospital!
25:21Oh, my God!
25:23He's turned into a homicidal axe-wielding maniac!
25:25Oh, well, out of the frying pan
25:27into another frying pan.
25:29Shut up, shut up!
25:31Shut up, shut up!
25:33Shut it, shut it, shut it!
25:35There's no one in here, Mr. Milovsky!
25:37We're all holograms!
25:39What are you going to do, Mike?
25:43Well, we're halfway through the show
25:45and, um,
25:47it's time for a half-time report.
25:49I think the show's been
25:51going particularly well.
25:53I particularly like the way the young lad, Rick,
25:55has been running off the joke into the dead laugh area.
25:59They're going into the international sphere.
26:01They're going to have to face some stiff competition,
26:03especially from the Swedes
26:05with their comedy series,
26:07Oh, Where's My Volvo?
26:09Also, of course,
26:11from the French with their comedy series,
26:13Mr. Poo-Poo Goes to the Lavatory.
26:15Anyway, I think...
26:17Oh, sorry, Paul.
26:19Anyway, the half-time's over now
26:21and it's back to the action.
26:25Let me in, boys.
26:27Jerzy wants to finger your entrails.
26:29I know!
26:31Put Neil's speaker in front of the door!
26:33I don't want to go in front of the door.
26:35No, not that speaker.
26:37Jimi Hendrix once pissed on that.
26:39No, no, no!
26:41Yes, yes!
26:43Bloody finger, Neil!
26:45You're not afraid of that!
26:47I'm afraid to hear you!
26:49Keep him occupied while we escape!
26:55You're not...
26:57Ah!
27:11It's a good job Bobby was here
27:13with his man-eating lions.
27:15Yes.
27:17I'd like to shake his hand.
27:19Oh, thanks.
27:21Well, guys,
27:23come and look.
27:25He's grown!
27:27He's wrong, you know.
27:29The waters are subsiding.
27:31Watch that!