One Foot In The Grave S04 E05 - The Trial
Transcript
00:00Switchboard operators say they're going to put you through and then leave you here to rot to death.
00:08Speak to you like an insect into the bargain.
00:15Hello, yes, I don't know if you remember me, Victor Merger, the talking cockroach.
00:21I was in jury service this week and I was just ringing up to see if I'd be required again tomorrow.
00:28Right, thank you then, bye.
00:34Five days in the trot and I haven't even set foot inside a courtroom yet.
00:39You can't do anything else when you're on call, can't organise anything, can't plan anything.
00:45Takes you to the willies.
00:52I suppose you're going to keep that up all day now, are you as well?
00:56Swear blindness, someone up there watching.
00:59Yes, I think I can just see Meldrew unwinding the flex in his lawnmower, let's piss it down.
01:07101 things to do out there and I'm stuck in here like the prisoner of Zender.
01:16I wonder if I was to pick that scab off, it would start bleeding.
01:23All dried up now like a Kellogg's brand thing.
01:28Leave it alone for goodness sake, it'll come off on its own, let it take its natural course.
01:43What makes you yawn, apart from anything starring Robert Mitchum?
01:50Reflex I suppose.
01:53There you are, couldn't wait could you, just couldn't leave it alone.
02:22Now you've made it a hundred times worse, I knew that would happen.
02:29Wonder if you can get tetanus from a Barclay card.
02:33Things you can cut yourself on these days never ceases to amaze me.
02:41What does log jaw feel like?
02:45Probably feels like this.
02:49Feels sick now with all that, getting that colicky sensation back again.
02:56Abdominal disorders, abdominal disorders, where are we?
03:03My god, colon tumour.
03:08Often no symptoms in the early stages, exactly what I've got.
03:15Stop it.
03:17Oh, I've seen it again.
03:19Every time I go through this medical book I try not to see it and it always falls over and at the same page.
03:24Zipfasna injuries.
03:29Makes you weep just at the thought.
03:33I shall have to stick a thimble in the end again now.
03:39Put it away and stop fretting about it.
03:48That crack wasn't as long as that yesterday, sure enough.
03:52Look at that, hanging in my fingernail, right in there now.
03:57That wasn't like that before.
04:00Ground subsidence.
04:03Ground subsidence.
04:07Is this floor sloping to one side now?
04:10Or is it the stepping sliding about inside my slippers?
04:15Oh, please.
04:17You'll dry yourself up the bloody wall.
04:20It's just shrinkage.
04:22The house is not going to suddenly collapse on top of your head.
04:30What are you doing up there, strutting around as though you own the lampshade?
04:35Well, I'm sorry, matey, we're not going to have any of that.
04:39Thank you very much.
04:41Where did Daddy Longlegs come from?
04:44Saw one flitting up and down the shower curtain this morning so I managed to slow him down with some hair lacquer.
04:51Just a little quirk of mine, I never share a bath with anything that's got six legs.
05:00Earwigs, bumblebees.
05:03That'll be more trio.
05:07Now, the trick here is to get a hold of him without breaking too many of his...
05:11Oh, bugger it.
05:15Come here, come here.
05:17Gotcha.
05:25Go on, what are you waiting for, a parachute?
05:29Now, he'll be all right now, he's limped straight into that Lucozade can.
05:35And good riddance.
05:38Oof, I'll have to have some jollop for this stomach, it's no good.
05:45Now, where is it?
05:48Pepto Bismol.
05:53Here we go.
05:56Whether to drink this stuff or clean the windows with it.
06:06Caution, this medication can lead to darkening of the stool.
06:22I serely hope not.
06:26Now, that's something I could be doing, cleaning those Venetian blinds.
06:31They're filthy and caked in dust, I've been putting that job off for months now.
06:42Oh, God, I'm bored out of my skull.
06:48I swear this is getting stiffer by the minute.
06:53I'll probably be dead by half past five.
06:57Man contracts horrific muscular disorder in order to avoid watching neighbours.
07:06What in the name of bloody hell?
07:10I do not believe.
07:13In the name of sanity, I do...
07:17That's it, that's just about the absolute limit of all bloody time.
07:26Honey, what was it?
07:28Hello? Yes, I'd like to speak to the manager, please, and be quick about it.
07:33Mildrew? No, he doesn't, but he will shortly.
07:39Hello? Is that Mr. P.T. Sturgeon?
07:43Yes, well, it's about a large yucca plant your garden centre delivered to my house this morning.
07:48Yes, a young chap, I didn't catch his name, it may have been Frank Spencer.
07:54Well, I'm telling you exactly what the problem is, Mr. Sturgeon.
07:57I was out the back working in the garden when he arrived, so I asked him if, for the time being, he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me.
08:03And do you know what he's done? He's only planted it in the...
08:10Yes, yes, actually, in the lavatory pan, with compost and everything.
08:16I mean, how anyone could be so utterly goofy, it just boggles the mind.
08:24A mistake anyone could have made.
08:28And you start to... I mean, what am I supposed to do, cock my leg against the trunk like a Yorkshire Terrier?
08:35No, I would not. I'll do it myself, thank you very much.
08:39And in future, I suggest you try and hire some people with a bit of common sense between their ears.
08:49Put it in the downstairs toilet.
09:04Perhaps I'll have a stab at the cryptic crossword.
09:10No, what did I do?
09:15No.
09:23Oh, what a cross.
09:25Mad poet mugged by banjo player sees red when eating pickles.
09:34Mad poet mugged by banjo player...
09:42...sees red when eating pickles.
09:51Erm, five across.
09:55Bag eggnog, but get a tad bugged.
10:00Four letters.
10:04Bag...
10:10...but get a tad bugged.
10:18Two down.
10:20Erm, elf's ego gets my goat.
10:24Head of MI5 upset the French by reversing into Dad's underpants.
10:31It's a doddle.
10:35Elf's ego gets my goat.
10:45I'm sorry, I don't seem to be able to do the crossword today as I appear to be temporarily out of mind-bending drugs.
10:52I'm in piles of things anyway.
10:57And that next hospital appointment.
11:01An idea, it's next week.
11:10Yes, Tuesday at ten.
11:16Yes, I suppose there'll be another barrel of chuckles...
11:20...in my most intimate areas probed by a consultant that looks like Yes Arafat.
11:27Still not her fault, I suppose.
11:30I hope he looks.
11:36Please, let it not be Mrs. Warboys to tell me about a holiday in Cork.
11:42A bow by blow account of every second of every day. Please, anything but that.
11:494291?
11:52Good morning, Mrs. Warboys. How do you do?
11:57Yes. Lovely. Mm-hm.
12:01Yes, well, I'd love to chat, but I'm afraid I'm actually in the middle of jury service at this precise moment.
12:09Yes, you told us that in the postcard.
12:12Yes, you told us that as well.
12:14Yes, very interesting.
12:17Mm-hm, uh-huh.
12:21Oh.
12:26Bloody hell.
12:29Oh, what does that do?
12:32Bloody pens.
12:47Now, where's my flannel got to?
12:49I leave it in the rail and she has to put it away so we know where things are.
12:53It doesn't work, does it, because I bloody well don't know where it is.
12:57The riddle of the Vermeer Triangle was finally solved today...
13:00...when it was revealed that Mrs. Margaret Meldew of 19 Riverbank...
13:03...had for the past 50 years been putting all the ships and planes away...
13:07...so we'd know where they were.
13:13Madness.
13:20Oh, yes.
13:23Yeah, uh-huh.
13:32On top of this radiator, it's completely cold again.
13:35Oh.
13:42On top of this radiator, it's completely cold again.
13:57What the hell's the matter with this thing?
13:59Bleeding radiators.
14:02Bleeding radiators. What did that come under?
14:06Here we are.
14:08The flow is reduced to a scorching hot dribble.
14:12See under chronic cystitis.
14:20Wrong ruddy book now.
14:33Oh, I see.
14:36Lovely.
14:38Yes, right.
14:40Yes, bye, Mrs. Warboys.
14:53There must be something constructive you can do.
14:57What about that letter to Alfred? That's long overdue.
15:01Now, see if I can get a pen here that doesn't leak.
15:12Dear Alfred.
15:16Thank you...
15:18...very much...
15:21...for your last letter...
15:24...and the nude photographs.
15:28No, I don't think he'd appreciate that.
15:32Six months old I was there...
15:34...and I don't look any different from what I am now.
15:38Might have put some clothes on before they took it.
15:41Not a bad little body, though.
15:44Fancy keeping all of these all this time.
15:58Mmm. Mmm!
16:06Dear Alfred.
16:08Sorry...
16:10...I haven't...
16:12...written sooner...
16:15...but it is all go at this end.
16:33Can't think of anything else to write now.
16:38Perhaps I'll write to him when I've got more time.
16:43I'm sorry, Mr. Woodlouse, you weren't going anywhere special, were you?
16:52Any more of you while I'm at it?
16:55You've all scuttled off for cover, haven't you?
16:58Till I leave the room.
17:00Breed like bloody wildfire, must be sex mad.
17:08Could just eat a plate of chips now...
17:12...with two runny fried eggs...
17:15...and OK fruity sauce.
17:18Mmm.
17:23Nope.
17:25Had that yesterday.
17:27Had it the day before as well.
17:30Soon started to look like a chip.
17:32Have to have something healthier today to balance it out.
17:36Erm...
17:37...have an organic rice cake with cottage cheese on.
17:44Of course, I could always grill the chips.
17:47Not as nice as cooking them in fat, that's the best part of it.
17:51Ate a whole slab of Cadbury's dairy milk yesterday.
17:56All in one go, one of those massive half-pound blocks...
18:00...made me feel totally sick.
18:04Swore I'd never do that again.
18:18Just...
18:21Just two small squares for now.
18:25Won't do any harm.
18:43Oh, there's four and a half there.
18:46Never mind.
18:58The Lord is thy judge.
19:00He is all-seeing and all-knowing.
19:02He knoweth when thou sinneth...
19:04...and when lust and thy sensuousness burn in thy breast.
19:10And he knoweth you called us a pair of persistent bastards last week...
19:14...and told us to sod off and leave you in peace.
19:17May the Lord have mercy on your soul.
19:21They must have written that last bit on themselves.
19:38Suppose I was a bit harsh on them that day.
19:41Suppose if I was religious, I wouldn't have killed that woodlouse.
19:45I wasn't doing anyone any harm.
19:47Just waddling across the floor, minding his own business...
19:49...going for a quiet stroll on the gripper rod.
19:52For no apparent reason, I just callously murdered it in cold blood.
19:58Discrimination.
20:00Didn't do that with the daddy long-legs, did I?
20:03No, he was picked up in a nice fluffy duster and shaken out of the window.
20:08Talk about a classless society.
20:11Just couldn't believe that last election result.
20:14This is like hiring a man-eating shark as your children's swimming instructor.
20:19Yes, I know it bit my baby's head off last time...
20:22...but I still think it deserves another chance.
20:28Oh, come on. You didn't come up here for anything specific in the first place.
20:39I know what I'll have to cheer myself up.
20:42Beans on toast.
20:45Always enjoy that with sunflower margarine.
20:52I'll be damned.
20:54I'll be damned.
20:56I'll be damned.
20:58I'll be damned.
21:00I'll be damned.
21:02I'll be damned.
21:04I'll be damned.
21:07I'll be damned.
21:26Got stuck behind that same old weirdo in the supermarket yesterday...
21:30...the one with a permanent boil in the back of his head.
21:34Yes, an adventure and a half came into that place. Always something happening.
21:44One of the bakery staff lost his toupee the other day.
21:49Came out with a tray of Babs wearing a tea towel on his head.
21:53Can't tell me that's hygienic.
21:57This shirt's getting too small.
22:00Look at that, just a great mind of crisps, chocolate and chips.
22:04Mustn't have to start cutting down the...
22:08Oh, no. Oh, no, please, not that.
22:12Where did that come from?
22:14A new mole.
22:17There's something you never want to see.
22:20That must have come up overnight.
22:22That wasn't there before this.
22:26What's the point? You know it all off by heart, anyway.
22:29Just keep calm.
22:31You're going to see a skin specialist next Tuesday.
22:34You can show it to her.
22:39I might be dead by next Tuesday.
22:45Oh, God.
22:47That's it.
22:50Oh, God.
22:52That's it.
22:54I'm finished.
22:58It's all over.
23:02You know what this is?
23:04This is your punishment for killing that woodlouse.
23:07Probably a capital offence if I did but know it.
23:14And may the Lord have mercy on your soul.
23:18Been tried, convicted and sentenced,
23:20all in the space of ten minutes.
23:26Still, I've had a good life.
23:31I've had a bloody awful life.
23:38Well, I suppose you may as well write a farewell letter to your brother
23:43and get it over with.
23:48Dear Alfred.
23:53This is probably the last time I...
24:02I don't believe...
24:05Am I seeing things?
24:18Oh, no, it's in the same place.
24:21It's the same...
24:23Hold on, there might be a speck in the negative.
24:27Oh, no, it's definitely there.
24:29It's been there all the time for 61 years.
24:33Absolutely incredible.
24:35I've had a mole in my stomach all my life and I've only seen it this day.
24:39Oh, thank you for that.
24:41Oh, God, sentenced to death and I've managed to get off with life.
24:47I'll never be rude to another Jehovah's Witness for as long as I live.
24:53I'll never be rude to anyone again.
24:56I mean, let's face it, if you've got your health,
25:00what else is there possibly to worry about?
25:03I mean, you just don't know how well off you are
25:08You just don't know how well off you are
25:14Not in the name of bloody hell!
25:19I do not believe it!
25:22Gee...
25:24Gee, old Dinkins, here are pieces of distinction.
25:28Well, that just about takes a biscuit.
25:31I mean, dropping your wig in the bloody baking dough.
25:35I mean, he must have realised it had come off, for God's sake!
25:39Well, this is just about it.
25:41This is just about it.
25:43That's all. That's all.
25:45That's all.
25:47That's all.
25:49That's all.
25:51He's just not going to believe it at all.
25:53Not in time!
25:54I mean, what am I going to find next?
25:57A false arm and the french stick,
25:59glass eyes, staring up out of me head at the coconut meringues!
26:10It's absolutely bloody hideous!
26:13It's much more sensible wearing a local breddit over your head!
26:16How anyone could...
26:17Yes, I'd like to speak to the manager, please, and quick about it.
26:21Meryl Drew.
26:22No, he doesn't, but he bloody well will shortly!
26:27I'll tell you exactly what the problem is.
26:29I have just bought a large...