One Foot In The Grave S05 E02 - Only a Story
Transcript
00:00The absolute limit that was. You wouldn't believe that anyone could pick their nose all the way through dozens with wolves, would you?
00:09Three and a half hours I had to sit next to that. It was always the right nostril, he never touched the left one.
00:15Always the one on my side. I think he was digging the channel tunnel.
00:21Come on, what's the matter? I'm really freezing out here.
00:24It won't turn. It's jammed again, bloody thing.
00:29Joking, surely. Here, give it to him. I managed it this morning by jiggling it slightly to the...
00:36Bugger. Turn back, for God's sake.
00:40£260 we paid for this. For a complete set of new locks so secure even we can't get in.
00:48Good old yellow pages.
00:51God, wait. If I go through this alive, I'm never going to get anyone in to do anything ever again.
01:03Oh, I've got bloody cramp now, don't I, miss?
01:09Oh...
01:184291. What?
01:22Yes, I know there is. Yes, I know. It's me.
01:28Yes, I'm rather going through my own bedroom window.
01:32Why the hell do you think I'm doing it? Oh, because the lady loves milk tea?
01:37Pull your clothes and go back to bed.
01:41The entirety of some people.
01:44Are you all right? Hold on while I put some pillows down.
01:48Yes, if you would. That would be a big help.
01:54How the hell did you get back in?
01:57Oh, yes. I managed to jiggle it about somehow or other in the end.
02:01It's funny, isn't it? It suddenly turned...
02:03Funny? Yes, sometimes I wonder just how much priceless hilarity I can take in one evening.
02:20Why is it that no matter how long you stand there shaking it,
02:25there's always one last drip that you have to dab off with a sheet of toilet paper?
02:32It's one of those strange facts of life you can never work out.
02:37Did you say you would pick up the makings of that casserole for me this morning?
02:41Oh, I suppose if I have to run the gauntlet again with that woman at the greengrocers who seems to fancy me
02:47when it keeps wrapping up my vegetables in a suggestive manner...
02:52Wrapping up your what?
02:53It's got so I'm afraid to go in there and ask for a parsnip.
02:57I went back last week and found lipstick marks on the end of a spring onion.
03:01What's that all about?
03:03You're talking... You're talking about Millicent at the greengrocers.
03:07Millicent Miles fancies you.
03:10Oh, God, she must be desperate. I'm not imagining it.
03:14I can feel her mentally skinning my beetroot every time she looks at me.
03:19You would think that a woman of her age would...
03:30Don't... Just put all that oil on that. You know it stings to high heavens.
03:35Stings? It's nearly taken my eye out.
03:44You take your life in your hands every time you blow your nose in this house.
03:50Oh, shit.
03:58Morning. Morning. Thank you. Thank you.
04:02Ah, my tickets for Wembley Thursday night.
04:06Now, what's this?
04:11Surely not that new pair of gloves I sent away for.
04:16Oh, in the name of sanity, what's this?
04:21Can't anyone get anything right anymore?
04:45Oh, God.
05:16Oh, God.
05:26I do not believe it.
05:29What happened now?
05:31Someone just stole our fridge.
05:34Just then, when I went upstairs as bold as brass, they must have just come...
05:45Stole?
05:524291.
05:54Speaking.
05:56Yes?
05:59Oh, my God.
06:04Do they know what ward she's in or anything?
06:08Oh, right. Bye.
06:10Just saw the top of it disappearing down the road in a truck.
06:14Can you believe that? Can you actually believe that?
06:19Jean's had an accident.
06:21Well, what a bad one.
06:23Last night, on her way back from her sister's in Blackpool,
06:26the car went off the road into a ditch.
06:28They've taken her up the Charter as general, so...
06:31Oh.
06:32I'll meet you up there in my lunch hour, all right?
06:38Oh, hello. Don't worry, she's not as bad as she looks.
06:41It's just a bit superficial.
06:43The main thing is this nasty crack all the way round her jaw,
06:46so I'm afraid she won't really be able to speak to you at all.
06:49Oh, really? Oh, dear.
06:51Her spirits are very low. I think she could definitely do with some cheering up.
06:58I don't suppose you know if you'll be up for Christmas or not?
07:03Sorry?
07:06Hang on, I've got a pen here.
07:12What's this?
07:14Commode?
07:16You mean you want to...
07:19Oh, well, just hang on a second, then.
07:26Oh, excuse me.
07:29Margaret!
07:37Thanks for coming.
07:40I thought you said you were in a private room.
07:42I was at first. It's like musical chairs in this place.
07:56Wait a moment. Easier, please.
08:01Oh, read that. Read all these.
08:04Oh, I tell you what I did do up there.
08:06Guess what? On my very first day, I won first prize in a competition.
08:12In Louis Tussauds. You know, the big waxwork museum on the front?
08:15In Blackpool?
08:17Guess who bought the winning lottery tickets?
08:19So what did you win?
08:21Well, I had a choice.
08:23A 500 pounds in cash.
08:25500 pounds?
08:27Oh, now, don't laugh.
08:30A chance to have a waxwork made of myself.
08:33All properly modelled, with casts and everything, by one of their experts.
08:38Really?
08:42Which did you choose?
08:44And then... Now, can you believe this?
08:47Some bastard forces open the back door and waltzes away with her fridge.
08:53Well, I suppose I'd better be moving.
08:56I don't know what's happened to Margaret today, I'm sure.
08:59Oh, your favourite TV programme will just be starting, won't it?
09:03Let me just switch that off for you.
09:09Well, I'll see you again, I expect.
09:12And I hope you're feeling better soon.
09:15Bye, Mr. Claude, boys. Bye.
09:18Hey!
09:27Oh, wonderful.
09:29That's all we need, isn't it? A wax dummy of Mrs. Warboy's cluttering up the house.
09:32I mean, what on earth possessed her, for goodness sake?
09:34It's been sent down on Thursday.
09:36She won't be there to take delivery of it.
09:38I mean, what else was I supposed to say?
09:40You know, we could always stick it upstairs in the spare room or something.
09:43Yes, well, let's just keep it away from the radiator.
09:45She might start dribbling through the floorboards.
09:50Oh, yes? Will you, really?
09:52I seem to remember you swore in your grandmother's grave to come round yesterday.
09:57But it is not buried in quicksand.
10:01What?
10:02Because we can't open the front or the back now.
10:05It took us half an hour to get this locked again properly yesterday,
10:08and now the key's broken off and the...
10:10Are you listening to a cricket match there?
10:14Oh, can you hold on a minute, please?
10:18Just a sec!
10:25Oh!
10:26Don't worry. I haven't come for your fridge.
10:29Hello. Good morning. How are you?
10:31I'm afraid we're still trying to get those locks sorted out, actually.
10:34Bad as the one on the back of my van, then.
10:36Someone had that off last week. It's the age we live in.
10:39Anyway, me darling, I've got your Maris Pipers out here. I won't be a tick.
10:42Oh, right, right.
10:44Are you still there? Hello?
10:46Yes. Right. And you've got my address there?
10:49Yes. It's Victor Meldrew, care of Alcatraz.
10:54No, no, no! What are you doing? Hold on!
10:56Oh, wait, Victor! Victor!
10:58I've got your Maris Pipers!
11:01Oh, I'm sorry. If it's not one thing, it's another with you just lately.
11:06Don't worry.
11:08Oh, what with yesterday in the pub.
11:10Young girl went for my purse.
11:12Just stuck her hand under the table and grabbed hold of it.
11:15Poor old purse. Is he OK?
11:21Your husband?
11:23I lost my husband five years ago.
11:26Oh. Ah, sorry.
11:29Right that close towards the end.
11:32I think you get a feeling, don't you, when something's there and when it isn't?
11:37And when it isn't.
11:46Morning, Madison!
11:48Do you know the back door of your van's wide open?
11:51Mrs Elspeth's boys are out there practising drop kicks with an aubergine.
11:55Oh, they're not. Well, I'll love you and leave you then, Victor.
11:58Yes.
11:59You can settle up with me next week.
12:04What happened to this?
12:05The thread in the middle section's broken. I think we had to get a new one.
12:08Oh, right.
12:10Well, perhaps we can have a look the next time we're...
12:12Oh, my God!
12:15When did this arrive?
12:16Oh, yes, just after you went round the corner, half past ten.
12:20Haven't you opened it yet, to have a look?
12:22I'm afraid I have, yes.
12:26And?
12:28Ah!
12:33I'll go and see to the potatoes.
12:38Six hours of just sitting here waiting.
12:41Well, I've had enough of this bloody caper now.
12:44Have you been wiping up the cheese grater with this again?
12:48Five o'clock. It was obvious he wasn't coming. Rang up the shop.
12:51Oh, I'm sorry, he's gone home now and it's his day off tomorrow.
12:54I'll give him a bloody day off running locksmiths.
13:01What kind of train are you shouting for?
13:035.55. We're all meeting at the station.
13:05Kick-off's 7.30.
13:07This'll just be fine.
13:09Give me time this afternoon to run one or two little errands.
13:14What sort of errands?
13:25Yeah?
13:26Good afternoon. Mr Leverick?
13:28Of Leverick Locks and Boats for All Your Household Security Needs.
13:32Yeah?
13:33Sorry to trouble you, my name's Mildrew.
13:35We've spoken several times on the phone about some work you did for me last Friday.
13:40Mr Mildrew! How are you?
13:43I haven't forgotten you.
13:44Only we've had a few problems at the office this week.
13:46I can only apologise most sincerely.
13:48I'm afraid I've got to go.
13:50Only we've had a few problems at the office this week.
13:52I can only apologise most sincerely.
13:54And I promise someone will be around first thing tomorrow morning
13:57on my absolute word of honour.
13:59Yes, well I'm afraid I'm not really interested in your word of honour, Mr Leverick.
14:02I waited an all day for you four times now.
14:05And to be honest, I'm not prepared to be pissed around any longer.
14:09What are you, a midget?
14:10If I were you, I'd keep this door shut before they get everywhere.
14:14And...
14:15What's the matter with you?
14:18There we are.
14:20That's all nice and secure for you, isn't it?
14:24It's all right.
14:26Your wife will probably let you back in when she gets...
14:29Oh, no, I tell a lie.
14:31Didn't someone say that you lived on your own?
14:33Yes, of course they did.
14:36In that case, you'll very probably be wanting this back.
14:40Give me back that bloody key!
14:42I'm sorry?
14:43Oh, what, you mean you'd like it posted through the letterbox?
14:47Yes!
14:48Yes, what?
14:51Yes.
14:54Please.
14:56Righty-ho, then.
14:58There we are.
15:03I put a first-class stamp on it.
15:07So it should be with you first thing in the morning.
15:09Oh, and in the meantime, be very careful of that umbrella plant.
15:12They don't like a lot of watering.
15:24Cheer up, it may never happen.
15:27Oh.
15:28Can't give you lift anywhere. You'll be waiting there till doomsday.
15:31I know. I'm supposed to be catching a train at six.
15:37Let's see if we can squeeze you in the back, then.
15:39Shouldn't take more than ten minutes.
15:43Come on.
15:48Oh, sorry about all this palaver.
15:51I'll get around to fixing it one of these days.
15:55Oh, if you can find a space between the collies...
15:58I'm sorry, I'm all a bit chocker at the moment.
16:00Yes, well, clearly I didn't bother to vote that so long as I get there.
16:04In? There you are.
16:06You get yourself comfy, Victor.
16:07I've got one quick call on the way.
16:09We'll have bags of time.
16:12Come on.
16:42KNOCK ON DOOR
16:52Hello, Fred, it's only me.
16:54Are you well today?
16:58Oh, Victor, there you are.
17:07Anyone home?
17:09Oh, I see you managed to get that lock-off bed from the back door at last.
17:16Margaret?
17:18Margaret?
17:34Margaret?
17:38Margaret?
17:42Jean?
17:44When did you come out?
17:46Oh, they toved me out a couple of hours ago, said they needed the beds.
17:51Naturally, I couldn't wait to get round here and...
17:55Well, where is it?
17:58Ah, um...
18:00We put it in the spare room.
18:09What can I say, Victor?
18:11Didn't I say things keep happening just lately?
18:14I mean, I'm so...
18:17You're a big trip to Wembley and everything, and it's all my fault.
18:22Yes.
18:23Well...
18:35Look, it's not the same.
18:38No way it's the same.
18:40But if you want to stop off at my place and watch it on the box, you're more than welcome.
18:44It's not on the box.
18:46On the satellite it is, on the sports channel.
18:49I mean, it's the very least I can do for you, after everything.
19:02Funny, isn't it?
19:04For the best part of a month, I've been dying for this moment, and now...
19:10I must have been out of my tiny mind
19:14to think that anyone would want this in their house.
19:19Other than to scare away the rats.
19:23It's absolutely hideous.
19:25Very good likeness, dear.
19:33Well, it's nice.
19:35The way they've caught your smile and everything.
19:38Yes.
19:39Well...
19:41What day did the dustman come round here?
19:43Friday.
19:48I'll give you a ring sometime then.
19:52Night, Margaret.
20:12I don't suppose I miss very much in the end.
20:18Mm-hm.
20:21So, you're going to leave me now, are you?
20:24All on my own?
20:26Sorry?
20:29Oh, yes.
20:31I thought I'd walk home and get some fresh air.
20:35Oh, I don't know.
20:37It's great to get into the pair of us.
20:40I suppose we're very much alike, really, when it comes to it.
20:48Anyway, bedtime.
20:52Hmm?
20:53You're going to walk out on me.
20:55There's not much to stay up for.
20:59No.
21:18LAUGHTER
21:31PHONE RINGS
21:434291.
21:44Hello, Margaret.
21:46It's Millicent from the Greengrocers.
21:48Victor's still not home yet.
21:50Oh, no, he's in London with some friends for the football.
21:53I don't imagine he'll be...
21:55How did you know that?
21:57Ah, well, I don't suppose there's any point in trying to keep it from you.
22:01I'm afraid your husband didn't actually go to London tonight.
22:05He's been here, at my place.
22:08I don't think I need to paint a picture, do I?
22:11Suffice to say, it was a lot more fun than football.
22:16LAUGHTER
22:36You're back early.
22:39Oh, yes.
22:42Margaret, I can't believe what I've done.
22:46It was one of those stupid moments of weakness that...
22:53Would you like to tell me about it?
22:56Not really.
22:58Tell me about it!
23:06I locked that locksmith in his porch.
23:11What?
23:12I went round to see him, locked him in his porch,
23:15took the key away and posted it back to him.
23:18I suppose I must be cracking up altogether now.
23:21Locksmith?
23:23I'm talking about Millicent.
23:26I just had her on the phone,
23:28telling me that you've been round at her house tonight.
23:32Oh, yes, I'm afraid she gave me a lift
23:35and the van was towed away, so I missed the train,
23:38so I ended up watching the match in her house on Sky.
23:41What's she been saying to you?
23:45Victor, look me in the eyes and tell me
23:50nothing happened between you and Millicent tonight.
23:59Nothing happened between us.
24:02Absolutely nothing.
24:10Margaret?
24:16DOOR SLAMS
24:18PHONE RINGS
24:25Hello, Millicent.
24:27Oh, so what have you come to tell me?
24:29I suppose he's denied the whole thing.
24:31Well, of course. I mean, naturally he's going to deny it.
24:34Naturally? Because it never happened.
24:36Never ha... You're not telling me you believe him.
24:39That's right, Millicent.
24:41My God, he's got you well trained.
24:43No, it's called trust, Millicent.
24:46You should try looking it up in the dictionary sometime.
24:49It's next to trollop.
24:52So I imagined the whole thing, did I?
24:54That your husband came upstairs and got into bed with me tonight.
24:57Imagined? No. Invented.
25:00Because, unfortunately, the evening didn't quite go the way you'd planned, did it?
25:04The way I planned?
25:06The one thing I never took you for, Margaret, was gullible.
25:10I mean, I really thought you were stronger than that.
25:13Yes?
25:14Well, we'll see, won't we?
25:16Just how strong I am.
25:22In the future, we'll be getting our potatoes from Sainsbury's.
25:31It's unbelievable the way people are sometimes.
25:36I suppose I should have known I was dicing with death there from the word go.
25:40How's your stomach?
25:42Yes, much better than it was when I was being sick in her bathroom.
25:46An hour and a half in the back of that van with all those rotting onions and all those brandies.
25:52It's a wonder I get any stomach left.
25:58Still, I suppose it all says quite a lot about us when you think about it.
26:03I mean, there are many ways you'd forgive me for going round to her house in the first place,
26:06even just to watch football.
26:08Wouldn't they?
26:10I mean, at least we're a bit more mature than that.
26:14Yes.
26:19Ah!